swilkinson

Staff - Stroke Support
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Blog Entries posted by swilkinson

  1. swilkinson
    Last year as I left the Womens Weekend I was very tearful, it was to be my last! But after a deputation approached me in October and said that I MUST go so I went again. Wow, I had such a wonderful time, I just love those women, survivors and caregivers alike. It is like there should be some award I could give them simply for being who they are. I am sure if I met the people I am acqainted with, who have been good friends and supporters to me on this site, I would feel exactly the same.
     
    Why are we wonderful? Because we have stared adversity in the face and overcome it. We have done the hard yards, we have out-manouvered all those people who said we could not do it. We showed 'em, we did it!
     
    I was not the only widow on the weekend, another woman whose husband died last year had also been invited to come. It was her first weekend and she just loved it. It helped that it was fine and sunny when heavy rain had been predicted and we were able to gather round the pool and use the marquee we have put up each year. It did help that the DJ who replaced dear old Dave did play a lot of Abba, for we are all dancing queens and I have the aches and pains to prove it.
     
    The massages were wonderful and I had my first hot stone massage. Not sure I liked it but it is a personal thing I guess and it was a new experience and I know I need to embrace that.The masseuses give us a tremendous discount and the Stroke group is able to pay for it so it is free!!! And so Saturday was swim, chat, have a massage, relax, have lunch, relax, have a swim, shower and change and then the dinner and dancing, dancing, dancing the night away. And how good is that?
     
    This was our tenth Anniversary of the Womens Weekends so there was a gooey, creamy Celebration cake. That is the only downside for me, being lactose intolerant I do find I have some difficulty with desserts, all cream, icrecream, milk and butter is banned and so sometimes I just wish they would serve a nice fruit cake instead. We did have a fruit platter on Saturday before the dinner, with our "happy hour" finger food and drinks so I did have fruit, again it is a personal choice.
     
    I wish you all had access to this type of weekend. If only there was a benevolent society in America that specialised in womens weekends and could offer you that type of getaway. As usual many women who belong to our Stroke Recovery group didn't come for the whole weekend but only for dinner on the Friday or Saturday night as they just didn't have anyone to mind the one they cared for. In some cases of course some also went home and checked on their loved one during the weekend or kept in contact by email or SMS. After stroke where there's a will there is a way.
     
    Again I share the room with my good friend *G* who I used to work with and she and I finished up with a big task. She had volunteered to do the nibblies for Friday afternoon and Saturday and the fruit platter so I along with some of the other women helped with that. It was like market day in our room all weekend with the comings and goings. I was so pleased *G* did volunteer as she is disabled by her stroke, has limited mobility (but just loves her scooter which gets her around) and some difficulty with life but she has the heart of a lion! She is one of my heroes, I am so blessed just to know all of these women, survivors and caregivers alike.
     
    And another sweet survivor did take me aside and tell me to never drop out of the group, she would miss me and all I did for her and the group as a whole, and that really is not a lot. It takes so little energy to sit and listen and gently advise if appropriate and add someone to your Facebook or an email list, to send them on an occassional email with those "Thoughts of Wisdom" you often receive. It is part of our humanity that we need community, and it is important that in that group there are people to whom caring is second nature, who are there through our thick and thin times. We can be a part of that by putting our own troubles aside for a while and recognising the need in others as we do here when we comment on posts and blogs. It is not rocket science but it is a loving vocation.
     
    And that is my good news and I will cling onto those happy memories for as long as I can. It has been a blessed weekend and a real gift to me.
  2. swilkinson

    some anxious moments

    By swilkinson,

    I went to the Stroke Recovery meeting this morning, I decided that I would pay another year of dues. I don't go every month but I still like the folk who go there, the caregivers and the survivors, so it is good to keep up with them. I am not the caregiver any more but no-one seems concerned about that. I am just Sue. And that seems to be good enough. So next weekend I am going to the Womens Weekend. I wondered if I should as I am not a current caregiver but everyone seemed to think I should so I am going. I am sure there will be a lot of time to laugh, sing and be happy, and enough time to share confidences and be sad too.
     
    I looked at the caregivers at the meeting and they all looked so tired. I used to look like that. For the last five years of his life especially Ray's illness just absorbed all of my life. In a way when he died I ceased to exist in a lot of people's eyes as I was simply "Sue, Ray's caregiver". I miss the people who were in my life back then, I wish they had kept in touch. But they have moved on to help others. I think I'll just keep up with some of the people who were prepared to be friends with me during his illness and not worry about those who have not kept in touch. I am sure G-d will bring people into my life to replace them.
     
    I am still lonely and often still cry at night, really it is the small things, having dinner alone, sitting alone, watching television alone, packing up the house and going to bed alone. I am 13 months out now and yes, it still hurts. When I wake up at 3am crying, and can't go back to sleep I can come out to the computer and play some sad songs on Youtube. I wonder what is floating around my subconscious so I feel sad but don't know why? I know being out of my comfort zone is one reason for all of this. In the daytime I can work hard, tire myself out and ignore it but four hours of sleep later, here I am again, waking up with some worry or other on my mind.
     
    As you know I do like to keep busy but gradually increasing the workload is one thing and taking on too much is another. This week and next I am adding half a day selling tickets for Lions to contribute to their Bush Fire appeal. It is a worthy cause and one I wanted to support but somehow that pushed the whole week out of kilter and today I had to do the home communion I couldn't do on Thursday so had to move it to Saturday. That meant leaving the Stroke Recovery meeting early and not having lunch with the caregivers and their spouses so I felt as if I had missed out on something. But it is hard to get a life balance whatever you do.
     
    I think my trip to England distracted me from my grief for a while,as did the trip down to Shirley's but I have found it really hard in the past few weeks. As you can imagine it is hard not to have someone to share all those memories with. It is one of the things we had to get to used to as a caregiver and now that continues for me as a widow. The pressure of suddenly having to make a lot of decisions because of the cabin roof having to be rebuilt is another thing on my plate. I have had several quotes now but so far no-one has said they want to do the job. It needs a carpenter and a roofer or a couple of builders. I did have one such partnership come to do a quote Iast week that I would have been happy to hire but so far they have not got back to me. I hope they do so early next week as I do want the job completed before Christmas.
     
    One thing they did say is that I will have to clear the cabin out. That will be quite a job and means I will have to bring a lot of boxes down to the house to sort. There is work to do on the back garden too as all that was trampled flat by the SES crew and there has been no sign of regrowth there having been very little rain since then. I think most of my anxiety comes from needing to get a whole load of different jobs out of the way while the weather is reasonable, like the fence on the top side of the block that is now all broken down will have to be replaced soon. Just planning all of this leaves me feeling anxious but I know being out of my comfort zone is one reason for all of this and the timeframe is another.
     
    I have also been doing more in the church. No excuse now not to help with Messy Church or the Halloween Party for kids. Don't get me wrong I love doing it but sometimes it is a strain, physically and emotionally.Sometimes when I get emotional when singing my voice starts to wobble. Last Sunday in church I was going up the aisle in a procession and I suddenly chirruped like a canary - so embarrassing! I find the music is there sometimes but not others, it does depend on what we are singing and if it has some emotional connection.
     
    I wonder if I joined a singing group if that would help? I've always loved to sing hymns, I don't sing well but I can hold a tune. There used to be a church group from the Uniting Church that sang at Mum's nursing home. They were all older women and a bit quavery but it was not their voices that the residents and staff appreciated so much as they were there, with their warm smiles and afterwards they moved among the residents speaking kind words. Maybe I just need to join something similar and sing with others?
     
     
    .
  3. swilkinson
    Ray used to shout at me: "It is all very well for you." and he was right, and now I think that about other people as I look with my widow eyes enviously at their lives. I loved Ray with my whole heart and sometimes I really miss him. I miss him most when I see other couples in their senior years enjoying each other's company. I want to be like that. I want that special someone to be beside me, with me when I am enjoying myself, at home when I come home so I can tell them where I have been and what I have done. What fun is coming home to an empty house?
     
    When Ray was here I had so much to do, it all seemed so over whelming, now with only me here it just seems over quiet. I would rush through the housework, list the shopping, bundle him in the car, rush to the shops, it was all go, go, go. I could have a little escape with a cup of tea on my sunny verandah and that helped a lot. I took minutes off when I needed hours but at least I had the shower nurses for the last three years, the three hours on a Friday and the "break" when he went into hospital or respite. In those days I longed for some time to myself, now I know that means you are both alone and lonely.
     
    You just have to live the life you've got, sad as that is sometimes. You can only sacrifice your life up to a point, beyond that is madness.I know that was one of the reasons Ray spent his last year in a nursing home, once he could no longer stand, with all his other problems he became too high care to be at home. I didn't feel the loneliness in that year that I feel now. I knew I would see him "tomorrow" so although I was home alone it seemed as if it was only overnight, my days were still very busy with Ray and Mum to visit.
     
    I have just had a very off week. I know some people say the second year out is the hardest as you suddenly look around and hey! you are alone, no friends, no family there to support you. Officially you are now "OVER IT!!!" and should just get on with life. When I find out how to do that I will let you know.
     
    I have more funerals to go to. What is it with this year? So many of the dear old dears from our church are sick or in hospital or worse. It is like we are burying the congregation pew by pew. And I love them all and will miss them all and it is all so sad. We have had an odd Spring, really hot weather, which means all the alimentary diseases, and with cold changes which means there are still chest infections, colds and 'flu doing the rounds. And for our vulnerable aged population that is not good news.
     
    I think I am feeling this more because Brett, my next door neighbour has his old Dad with him for a while and I see them struggling down to the car and it reminds me of the struggle I had looking after Ray. They even came over yesterday and used my handicapped friendly shower room as it is easier for Brett to give his father a good hot shower here than at home using a normal bathroom. I am so glad Brett decided to have his Dad for a while but it is a reminder of my former life. Maybe it is because of that reminder that I have started having nightmares again.
     
    I have been plodding forward for the past week, looking for some good news but nothing much of that at the moment. I am about to start on getting quotes for various parts of the cabin roof restoration and the fence, the piece on the side of the house roof that has to be replaced etc. I am not sure how long all of that will take. I hate to do all of this knowing I am not good at working it all out. I am going to ring a couple of friends in the building trade and ask them to list out what needs to be done so I can check quotes and make sure it is all covered. It is hard for me to do the things that Ray was once so good at, it feels like I am trying to take his place.
     
    I know - it is part of a widow's new life, being self-sufficient etc. Bah humbug!
  4. swilkinson
    You may have seen the bush has been alight in several places in New South Wales? Horrendous fires for so early in the season. In the Blue Mountains 81 houses have been lost, over 100 affected in some way by the smoke etc. On the Central Coast where I live the fires are still burning north of where I live and no count of losses has been made but an old historical village has lost at least half the old miner's cottages. One person died fighting to save his home.
     
    We have lost some great natural features, not to mention the loss of birds, animals, plants and insects in one of our bio-diverse areas of natural beauty. So much loss makes my troubles seem insgnificant.To see the exhaustion of the firefighters, the pain on the faces of those who have lost homes and lifestyles on television each night does put life in perspective. I am fine, I have my home and my family safe, what else is there to worry about?
     
    I have spent the past week following up loose ends. The insurance company still hasn't settled, the house next door is at the landscaping stage and that has made for a lot of dust and noise as cement trucks come and go and the landscapers used my driveway to do the back yard. The 1 meter of access they had to leave each side of the very large house has been narrowed by the formwork for the fence footings so no room was available for access to the back yard. When the fences are finished the owner will have to shimmy sideways to get up the side of his house. Silly way to build isn't it?
     
    Yesterday I had the "dangerous" tree taken out. It was really a dead tree with branches overhanging the cabin so it needed taking out I guess. There would have been repercutions in storms to come. There was lots of noise, sawdust flying, bangs and crashes, but three hours and the tree was gone, the branches made into mulch and carted away. There are blocks of wood for my next door neighbour's winter fire, This is my older neighbour on the eastern side, he is a telecommuter so is always around. He is also a mad surfer at 50+ and a good neighbour to have. But it will be interesting to see how long he takes to throw the logs over the fence. Luckily he and I sensibly have just a wire fence between us up the back.
     
    The family are all well. Shirley and Craig have just been told they will be another year in Shell Harbour. I am glad of that as they could have been sent somewhere much harder for me to get to and they love it on the South Coast. I was hoping they would have a move closer to me or better still closer to Craig's mother who is in her '80's and getting frail but staying where they are is much better than moving further away. It is hard isn't it in the middle years to make the right decisions, so many of which affect your later years. Craig's parents moved to their ideal retirement spot, Ray and I stayed where we were. Hard to say which was the better choice.
     
    Edie and Trevor and family are moving as Edie has a career change and her new job is in Broken Hill (Google that if you don't know where it is) and will she will start work there in mid-January. All the arrangements have not been worked out yet so I will tell you how it all unfolds. It is a loss to see them go where the train journey will take I think 12 hours but it is what they need to do. I had some regrets as Ray and I moved further west when he was with Fisheries but it seemed the further away we got the stronger we became as a couple with only each other to rely on. And it is certainly different in the arid west to the lust coast so a lot of new experiences ahead for them. I will miss them heaps but will visit a couple of times a year as long as my health stays good.
     
    Pam and kids are staying put and so am I for the foreseeable future. The Central Coast is a lovely place to live. Ray and I moved back to the area and into this house in late 1968. We had eleven years away from it, 1972 - 1983 while Ray worked with Fisheries. We lived in three different areas in our time away but kept the house and have been back here ever since mid-1983. It has been a wonderful place to live, close to beaches, the bush within half an hour's drive and family, friends and even some old school friends all around. The lifestyle was great when we were raising our kids, a slower lifestyle than in a more populous area,not so much now as we become more populated and more citified. It was a great place to live, still is and I have no regrets at all on that score.
     
    But access to healthcare and all we needed when Ray was alive was problematic. Living in an area where there is a large retired population means health care solutions are often over time eroded and rundowns in the system leave a lot to be desired. But overall I think we had the basics of what we needed even if we had to fight for what we got. And I have no regrets on that score either now.
     
    Not much other news, life goes on day by day, nothing much has changed in the past six months, except perhaps that I am slowly getting used to being on my own. The loneliness is still there and always will be and I really miss Ray, more perhaps now than in the first year, but I am coping with it. I am not making any new decisions as yet. I think that is a good thing. I need to grow into my new life as a widow slowly.
  5. swilkinson
    Sarah, if the photo is not already in an album. Go to Gallery, select catergory, I selected Family. Then I uploaded a photo of Tori and her brothers taken on her 12th birthday. That is just sitting in the Gallery not in an album. I then selected the photo again from my list of photos. It seems as if it has to be uploaded into one of the catergories in order for it to load onto the blog.
     
    I am no expert on this but that is what I just did to achieve this result.
     
    To add a whole Album to the blog as I did for my last blog on my grandchildren go "Add Blog" from there to "Entry Album" slot, click on the Album you want from your own list and it will be added to the blog.
     
     
    If this does not work for you please contact me again and I will see if I can find a workaround.
     
    This applies to anyone else who tries to do the same thing.
     
    ( My sons would laugh at their mother thinking she knew what she was doing...lol.)
  6. swilkinson

    grandchildren

    By swilkinson,

    Sometimes I just sit and think about how blessed I am. It is okay to vent and moan and I do when things go wrong but I also need to count my blessings. A lot of people my age do not have grandchildren. Due to a lot of different circumstances. Some have grandchildren and never see them. I have been lucky so far, I do see my seven grandchildren on a regular basis but I do know that circumstances can change.
     
    At one stage my Mum and Dad had two daughters and seven grandchildren they hardly saw as I lived 10 hours by car away and my sister lived in Tasmania so my parents had to fly down there. It could happen to me anytime. There are plans in the pipeline for both of my sons to move away next year, that will make me sad I know. But for now I just wanted to say: "Thank you for giving me my lovely grandchildren."
  7. swilkinson

    moan...sorry

    By swilkinson,

    Sometimes it is hard not to moan. I know I no longer have Ray to look after but also I now no longer have someone to look after me. The kids have gone back to their lives and I welcome that but it leaves me without those advisors that helped me get through the caregiving part of my life so well.
     
    Disaster struck here at home yesterday when I was away having a "day out" with Pamela and her children. I had had the little ones over night because Pamela had an early medical appointment yesterday morning. In return she had promised us all lunch out at one of our favourite spots. The morning tea was packed and we went to a nice park the kids love, with lots of climbing equipment etc and had it there. Then we went on down to The Entrance and went over to a water feature which is like a shallow wading pool with small statues and waterspouts in it where the boys could enjoy waterplay for a while. Tori could just read her book in peace and listen to her music as she often does here.
     
    Pamela went off to get lunch and the boys played in the dry area. While she was gone storm clouds came over. She had just got back when suddenly torrential rains and strong winds swept down on us. The little ones screamed, it was so frightening. The crowds vanished, running back to their cars. As it eased off we did too, ran back to the car and started heading for here and our delayed fish and chips. But when we drew into the driveway my next door neighbour hurried to the car to tell us my cabin/shed up the back had lost it's roof in the bluster and it was all over his back yard. What a shock that was.
     
    Pamela, being a sensible person, said to ring Emergency Services and then the Insurance company.Thank goodness for the great men and women from Emergency Services, they came, six of them, and secured my house roof that had lost some capping and put a canvas over the damaged part of the cabin roof. Today an assesor came and looked at the damage and will "be in touch". So I see my Spring and Summer fading into getting the roof back on, cutting down some trees now listed as "dangerous" and generally tidying up so that future storms do not do any further damage.
     
    I think the new house on the western (bottom) side prevented my carport roof from shredding, being higher than my house, so something good came out of it. But the reshaping of the landscape also alters wind patterns so I don't know if this is a one-off or whether it will be repeated. That certainly gives me an uneasy feeling. I feel so dangerously alone sometimes. I know so far I have dealt with everything that comes my way but I do dread the day when something comes along that I cannot handle. It has left me with some very shakey feelings, I do feel so much more vulnerable as a widow. I am so far still seeing it as another change in life forced upon me, another uncertainty about life and my ability to handle it.
     
    Okay, rant over.
  8. swilkinson

    beginning the 13th month

    By swilkinson,

    I went down to my daughter Shirley's house for a week. No way did I want to be alone on the anniversary of Ray's death or the anniversary one year out from the day of his funeral. I knew I would just sit around and obsess, crying and making myself sick. I knew that if I stayed with my daughter and her family I would not be able to do that, I would want to put on a brave face for the grandchildren and that is what happened. I was Braveheart in a dress.
     
    When everyone says that the first year is the worst that is true of stroke recovery and of widowhood. The first year is when this time last year you were doing something entirely different and even if that were not the best thing to do you somehow long to be back there, doing it. I know it is unrealistic but it is human nature to want back to regain the thing you have lost. I just miss Ray so much and I know that is not going to change any day soon.
     
    And so you go on day by day somehow living but without a lot of hope in your heart, wishing the beloved one could return, not in the condition in which he/she left but miraculously restored to full health. Or at least to the level where you last felt you were coping with life. If only that were possible...sigh. But now I am living in the 13th month, the weeks stretching ahead of me without much form as yet but I am hoping that will change.
     
    I really hate being on my own. I can keep busy all day but the nights close in on me. I know in my case that is just one of the battles I fight, the old resistance to any kind of change in my life. And believe me once your partner dies it is all about change. You have to get used to changes you never wanted to make, partnerless can seem rudderless, hopeless, without love and companionship of what worth is life? Add the grief of parting from a long-time partner of 44 years and you can see the impact from the moon. Ouch!!
     
    I feel my return home to an empty house every time I leave for more than a day. It was really bad when I returned from England as I had had company for six weeks and suddenly I was on my own again. I know a lot of people envy the fact that my adult children are still around and invite me to join in with their activities, particularly Edie and Trevor and family but that in a way sets up the contrast, the time with them, the time alone. I am grateful they include me but I am sad that I still have so much time alone.
     
    Today I had a busy day, church for the morning service and then I accompanied the Deacon to the Nursing Home Ray was in. There were still some familiar faces but a lot of course have gone after twelve months. Those who recognised me were glad to see me and I to see them, including some of the staff. I guess they like to feel that it is “okay” for me to come back to see them again. Kathy does a good service and I liked her going to sit by some who were staying back to see her for some one-on-one time. We all need some kindness and Kathy is kind and also generous with her time.
     
    There are still three couples left I know from the time Ray was At the Nursing Home. There has been another change – they are no longer the courtyard mob as they have now been forced to leave the building to smoke so sit out the back under a temporary pergola instead. Still it was nice to sit with them for a while and catch up on their news and know that those months we were able to support each other meant something special to us all.
     
    Then I went to a lunch with three other women I met at the Dementia group, starting five or six years ago. We meet about every two months now and catch up on where we are. Two of us still have Mums in a nursing home, two of us have lost ours in the last year or so and are now in recovery. The two with Mums still alive need the help of the rest of us to keep going. Like we do here we are journeying together.
     
    And then on to the shops to fill my empty refrigerator and my cupboards with the staples of life. I have a new pet hate, as a single lady I don't buy in bulk any more and just hate those buy one get one free offers. No I do not need two huge cabbages even if one cabbage is priced at almost the price of two! And all the other things on offer today were not on my shopping list. It is a couples world in that sense too, cheaper to buy for two than for one. Oh my, what a cranky pants I am tonight!
     
    And so here I sit, trying to express that sad and yet resigned feeling I now have, about being a widow, about being alone, about struggling to accept life as it is now. I hope in some way this helps those who will make the same journey some day.
  9. swilkinson

    summer too early

    By swilkinson,

    It seems like summer already. We had the hottest September day for however long, the radio commentators varied on that. The bush fire season has started and today men and women battled to save properties in the foothills of the Blue Mountains. It is a long time since we have had significant rain, ten weeks I think, and the long grass is tinder dry so with strong winds blowing from the west the fires, once lit, are hard to stop. They may have been deliberately lit or been back burning fires that somehow got away from the people engaged in tending them. A future inquest will give us that answer.
     
    It has been a busy week. The first warm week in September tends to be like that. It is as if people wake up, look outside and say: "Okay world, here I come." A good example is I have a friend down the road who I may not have seen for ages and she rings up and invites me down for afternoon tea. It is a Spring thing. We all feel comfortable being outside, sitting in the sun, enjoying the garden. We suddenly discover it is pleasanter to be outside than to be inside. I guess it happens at some point the world over.
     
    A week to go till the end of my first year alone. I can do it I tell myself every morning when I get up and it is true. Just as I did the hard yards when I was a caregiver, I can do it now. I can get up and make something of the day. It doesn't matter what the day holds if at the end of the day I can say my thank yous for what has happened, for the encounters or lack of them, for the work I find to do, for the songs I hear, the stories I read, the actions I take. Whether the day is spent in the garden, at the computer or off on one of the helping hand jobs I do, every day is an important day.
     
    It is hard to describe the week that has just gone. I thought it was going to be a hard week and it was but it was made much easier by the actions of three people, Trevor, Edie-Lee and Pamela. All found a way to participate in the week and make it seem much easier. I love my two daughters-in-law and their little families and thank G-d for them ever day. It is particularly true of the grandchildren as they bring so much joy to my life. I know my daughter and her family also think of me, but I am peripheral to their lives and in some ways out of sight is out of mind. Maybe next move they will be nearer, I hope so as I miss them.
     
    The week seemed fuller than usual. A friend rang me on Monday and I met her for lunch. Tuesday night was Lions dinner, Wednesday and Thursday I was busy. The Caregiver chat group girls all remembered how sensitive I was feeling and said some comforting things to me. It is good to be acknowlegeded for what is happening in your life. Wednesday night I went out to dinner with Pamela and her three children. It was nothing special but it is the company that counts. Thursday night I went to the Central Coast Choral festival and watched 300 young people singing and enjoyed it. Tori, my granddaughter, was in the main choir and also a singing group from her school which performed the chimney sweeps dance from Mary Poppins.
     
    I had an extra job at church on Friday, serving at a Women's Spring Rally, a local group that includes nine other parish groups so about seventy women. Nice to hear the massed voices singing old familiar hymns. We had as guest speaker, a woman who was blind who came with her beautiful golden labrador Guide Dog. She told us how having a guide dog liberates her to feel normal and part of the world around her, she has had four dogs since she went blind aged 15. Amazing that she was bright, animated, articulate, intelligent and made her audience laugh.She gave us more than information, she gave us a glimpse of a difficult world lived with great courage and enjoyment.
     
    Saturday was election day and our Spring Fair at church. We need to raise some money to complete the furnishings in our new Hall. Nothing comes easy and I do think if we have to wait a while and work hard to achieve something we do appreciate it more. A worry is that two of the ladies I have become very fond of in our Craft group are in hospital again this week, one not expected to come out (cancer) the other in a serious condition, barely 70. So unfair sometimes that we do not die in date order.
     
    Trevor and Edie made sure I was not alone on the 8th which would have been Ray's birthday. They are the most sensitive to what is happening to me I think. On Sunday Trevor and DIL Edie took me out for the day. They were to pick me up at 11am but Trev decided to pick me up earlier around 9am and we should pick Edie up from work (she does 4 5hour shifts at present). Lucas was away but smiley Alice entertained me on the journey. So they took me up the Valley to a small rural Fair. It was another lovely Spring day, and fortunately not too hot as we were to be out in the open most of the time.
     
    The main road to the Fair had groups of straw scarecrows along it, part of a competition, about 30 entries in all, which made the drive interesting. We particularly liked the group entitled: "Scarecrows of the Carribean". It was fun walking around the sports fields tasting the wares, watching the wood chopping, the handing out of prizes to those who on foot or bicycle had completed the Hill Climb, watching the two little local school teams playing soccer. I think it is the simple things that cause that peaceful feeling. We had lunch out before they went home to put Alice down for a nap and I went to help out at Messy Church.I finished the day attending church (which Ray and I both used to do). All in all not as bad a day as I had anticipated.
     
    It is another fairly busy week this week. I was at Grandparents Day at Oliver and Alex's school this morning. The school is built on the side of a hill and I used to have great difficulty when I used to wheel Ray around it in his wheelchair on previous Grandparents Days. I have just noticed that I can actually talk about him now, moslty without tearing up. I carry him with me in my heart. Today I was a little sad because he didn't get to see Oliver as a sleepy Lion or Alex as a Magician in the Infants Concert. I know there will be so many things he will miss out on in the years to come. But I will carry those precious memories in my heart for the two of us.
  10. swilkinson
    Sunday is 1st September, it is Father's Day here in Australia, the first since Ray died. The following Sunday 8th September would have been his 71st birthday, this makes for a hard week for us as a family and one that will surely stir up emotions. I don't plan to do anything on Sunday 1st but Trev and Edie are taking me for a picnic on Sunday 8th. This is their way of making sure I am not alone. I am often alone. Sometimes it feels as if there isn't a place for me in other people's lives. The long period of me devoting my time to Ray because of his invalidity took a lot of our friends away and now me being a widow seems to have taken more.
     
    I definitely need new hobbies, something with people involvement as I really think I need to step outside my present circle and make some friends my own age. As we went through Ray's journey with stroke we lost the friends who were our own age as they were still working. Now of course they are travelling overseas or going round Australia in their campervans and caravans. I can't do much about the travelling in a campervan, I know some people do travel as a single but very few women my age would feel it was safe.
     
    Now even the friends I made on the stroke journey are fading. Hard to think that what we had in common, what bound us together, is now gone and somehow I need to acknowledge that and be able to pick myself up and carry on alone. When spring and summer are here I will have to find some outdoor activities to participate in. I need to prove I can go for a walk by myself, go to the beach by myself, no good sitting here waiting until someone invites me to go, is there? The safer places are probably ocean pools where I can stay if there are families close by and public walking tracks like the one I used to take Ray to beside the Lake.
     
    One thing I have done lately which would amuse my friends if I told them is go to youtube and sing some karaoke. John Denver tunes last night as someone on my Facebook page had a link to John Denver. I used to sing, used to dance, used to be the ringleader in a lot of fun stuff. But I am talking before Ray's strokes started which let's face it is 22 years ago and I was in my early 40's. I am not that same gal now and need to find things to do that are age appropriate.
     
    I guess what I am talking about is how to bring that joy of living back into my life, the kind of thing that makes your heart sing. Yes, I love being with my grandchildren and enjoying family time wth my adult children but a lot of that is out of my control, I have to wait to be invited rather than be able to just impose myself upon them. I'd love to be able to do it on impulse but the way things are at present that is not a possibility. It sometimes feels as if there isn't a place for me in other people's lives. The long period of me devoting my time to Ray caused a change in relationships both in our family and beyond into the wider community.
     
    My grandchildren only knew Ray as an invalid. He had the first stroke in 1990 and went back to work for 8 1/2 years. Then in 1999 he had two more in rapid succession and they retired us both, me to look after him. It was while he was in Bendigo Hospital that our daughter told him she was pregnant with our first grandchild when she visited him there. I think her son Christopher and our oldest grandddaughter Tori are the only ones of the grandchildren who remember Ray upright and walking with a stick unaided. When they were little and I minded them one day a week he could still throw a ball, was still able to read to them, still able to laugh and joke and tickle them, still able to have long conversations.
     
    As you know he had six more strokes 1999 - 2011, each left him with more deficits, physical and mental, and eventually dementia as well so the little ones remember that "Pa Ray" as old before his time, an old man in a wheelchair or hospital bed, which is very sad.
     
    For me, it is only in the last few weeks that some happier memories of our time together are finally emerging. I do sometimes remember a joke we laughed at or an experience we enjoyed together. With the one year anniversary of his death only three weeks away I am glad this is finally happening.
  11. swilkinson
    Finally a nice warmer day, a cold night but less cold than for the past couple of weeks. There is just a hint of Spring in the air. I even unbuttoned my jacket at lunch today, the first time I had been out after church with the Sunday lunch club girls since I have been back. It was good to catch up on the gossip again and they are dear souls, they have been such a support to me since Ray died.
     
    I think I am finally settled back into routine again. Going from winter to summer and back again was a bit of a shock to the system. Think about the warming food, casseroles, soups and roasts we have for winter, that is my food today. Then imagine salads, fresh fruits and summer desserts just made for a northern summer and that was what I was eating in England. No wonder even my digestion went out in sympathy.
     
    After being in company for six weeks I have hit a new wall – the silence. On Friday I spoke to no-one except the phone operator at the warranty insurance place where I rang to say my refrigerator has decided to become a freezer. Trevor said that means the thermostat has gone. The operator said I could expect a service call “some time on Wednesday”, so in the meantime I am turning it on for half an hour, off for four hours and keeping it empty. No hope for all that was frozen in there, all my lovely salad greens, even the sauces in the door froze, so out they all went.
     
    The silence is a strange thing. During the 14 years I looked after Ray there was always someone coming and going, we had Trevor live with us for four years and of course for the last three years Ray was at home there were the carers. I thought they were an intrusion at first but looking back I can see what a blessing they were. They were cheerful and efficient and kind and brought us news and provided conversation. I think of Jeff and his willingness to put Ray through his exercises and Mel who brought me a little bunch of flowers from her garden. Each carer came with their own personality and interacted with us in a different way. There were many of them and each contributed something to our lives.
     
    Then when Ray went into full-time care the staff and relatives of the other patients in the nursing home took their place in being the people who brought friendship and company into my life. The nursing home was its own little world and I went there every day and encountered smiles and hugs and yes, even laughter, the courtyard girls being the warm heart of the place for me. I still see one of them and she brings me news of the others so I still have that connection.
     
    It is strange that when the funeral is over and family and friends have dispersed how quiet life becomes. At first I would hop in the car and go to the shopping centre whenever I felt lonely, I would sip coffee and watch the passing parade and even if I didn't join in a conversation I could hear them all around me. I know my family must have got sick of my phone calls, reaching out of my loneliness into their busy lives was kind of unsatisfactory as I knew I often caught them when they were too busy in their own lives to want to concentrate on my wants and needs.
     
    I think the grief counselling helped reground me and for a while I was busy working on various tasks set for me by the counsellor. Just trying to reconnect to a world that seemed out of step with my grief-drugged brain was a strain but I did it. The trip to England to reconnect with my cousins was one of the things that came out of that period. It again refocussed my thoughts to what was, what is and what will be..in other words trying to get life back into perspective. I am not saying I am over my grief, I don't think you are ever over it but it is not as raw and all-devouring as it was at first. I probably still have brief tears most days but I do not wake up sobbing any more.
     
    And so the months have gone by. The trip to England was a welcome break but back home again I know I have to learn to live by myself and to a certain extent that is a new test for me. I don't think I am the remarrying kind. It would take someone special to fill Ray's place and I know I am a creature of habits strange and wonderful and someone else would have to be very long-suffering to fit into my life and my routines. There may be someone special out there but I think it more likely I will simply learn to live alone.
     
    And so I will learn to live with the quiet days and the solitary life. I could fill my life with busyness but I had all those crowded years while being caregiver to Ray and I do not wish to over-fill my life as I used to. I am older now and do realise that busyness can be a health hazard. So I need to fill my life with things I want to do rather than things that might cause me anxiety or frustration. And that is a plan that hopefully will slowly unfold for me.
  12. swilkinson
    I spend a lot of time sitting here at the computer feeling lonely. Well nothing new about that, I've been doing that for the past two years since Ray went into the hospital then the nursing home and more so since he died last September. I am just more lonely now as the truth that he is NEVER coming back bites. He is NEVER coming back. He is not gone for a while, for a week, a month or a year. He is gone FOREVER.
     
    In a way it is worse since I came back from England. For one thing there is no-one to tell about the six weeks I was there. I can talk to the kids but 20 minutes and their eyes glaze over. I have just got the photos, Trevor downloaded them for me, and now I can see the trip all over again. I am not a good photographer. I just take photos of things that take my fancy, seem unusual or peak my interest. I also take lots of photos of plants, trees, gardens, individual flowers in the hope that it will inspire me to emulate the great gardens of Enlgand! As if that is going to happen. But at least I have the photos if not the reality. And come Spring I will work on a new plan for the garden. Who said a change is as good as a holiday? Wrong. But it is good to feel in control by making the changes yourself, to your own plan.
     
    Loneliness is reality we all have to live with. I can put off the loneliness while I am in company, working in the garden, volunteering, mixing with friends and family but sooner or later I come back home and there it is again. I can go out and visit with our remaining friends, lapping up the company, enjoying the interaction, but sooner or later I have to walk back in the door alone. I know now why people have a houseful of cats or dogs or birds, it is to have someone greet you when you get home. It is so you step into the noise of companionship rather than the silence of aloneness that is so hard to take.
     
    It is the season for going around Australia here so a lot of my pleasant acquaintances that I count as friends are still away. We Aussies flee the winter, the blustery days like today. A lot of Australians go off overseas to avoid the desolation of winter. The retired couples go around Australia in their campervans and set up a temporary home in a more tropical climate, coming back about October when it is warm here again. I know there is the telephone but these days when most people have a mobile (cell phone) I am in contact with so few of them. Though I do see their happy camping photos on Facebook.
     
    Do I feel envy? Yes I do feel sometimes that life has somehow cheated me of our planned " happy retirement". Once Ray and I would had planned to do that trip as part of our retirement. Now I cannot do it alone. At 66 it is too late to make up for the years Ray and I lost due to his many strokes. It is unrealistic to expect that I can replace them. Even if Ray had lived his invalidity would have prevented that happening. Do I feel robbed? Yes I do. And yet I have so much to be thankful for and I know that somehow I have to lean toward the thankful side to rebalance my life again.
     
    My family are busy with their own lives and that is the way it should be. Ray and I went through our married life hardly aware sometimes of the loneliness of our ageing parents. When we lived at a distance I rang once a week, sent letters and cards, we rarely visited them using the excuse that they had each other for company and their own lives to live. I think if I had known how lonely the nest can be once the fledglings have gone I might have been a little more attentive, maybe visited more often. But you cannot live life backwards. What is the solution? Who knows? Maybe there is something in treating others the way you would like to be treated?
     
    What is the formula for getting over the death of a spouse? Are there ten step programs to follow? My remaining friends say: "Keep busy". I do keep busy but life is somewhat hollow. I could be the perfect housewife (unlikely in one with a personality like mine), take up good works (costs money to travel out each day to do whatever is considered a good work these days) or take up some new hobbies like music or painting. My Mum painted in her middle years. She wasn't bad at it and I have some of her paintings hanging on my walls. I'm guessing she did it to fill in the time. She also kept a good garden, flowers and vegetables which is probably why I like to keep a garden too. She corresponded with a lot of people, I do emails and Facebook. She belonged to some organisations and made a contribution to them, just as I do in a different way. I guess there is a pattern to life, if we can't find one of our own we follow in our parents footsteps.
     
    It is eleven months now since Ray died. I am slowly making the house my own. I am trying to make my life my own. I have a long way to go but at least I am making an attempt at it. I am trying not to dwell on past dreams, what might have been. I try to live in a way that I can be reasonably busy, so that I can handle the loneliness. Some days it is just right at the edge of my mind, my day filled with enough activitiy to hold the loneliness at bay. Other days, like today it is waiting at the bedside so my eyes open and there it is.
  13. swilkinson

    back home once more

    By swilkinson,

    After a 27 hour journey and thanks to Pamela who picked me up at the Airport I got home late Thursday night. And as I walked in the door I felt it was MY house. At almost eleven months out is is "my home" now. Of course it is a big change stepping out of a fairly warm English summer back into an Aussie winter but it is only a matter of having extra clothes on for a few weeks and hopefully it will turn into a glorious Spring. And yes, plants died, leaves accumulated, rubbish built up and no-one swept it away but I am GLAD I went. Must teach Trev how to water the garden before the next big trip though.
     
    It was scary to do that long plane flight and all those transfers alone, with some uncertainty about transport in Britain. I made some mistakes. One hotel cost almost two hundred British pounds for the night, I had to book it at the last minute when I realised I couldn't get to London to start the bus tour from where I was for a 7am start so I paid top price for a hotel room with tennis at Wimbledon. But I swallowed the cost and knew if I had to pay extra for not thinking about things in advance that was another learning curve.
     
    I hated that I could not share my excitement in the build-up to the holiday because it is not safe to share that your home will be empty for five weeks. Gone are those days.But nothing major happened. There was some rain but good temps and 2013 is down as one of the milder winters.I had great weather throughout Britain, the best summer since 2006! I laughed when it was described as a heatwave when I thought it was just warming up nicely! But English houses are not built for hot weather and there was a high humidity factor too that caused som stress.
     
    I loved staying with various cousins, overnight or for longer periods of time.I stayed with Jacquie in West Susswex the first week and when I got back from the trip, I have stayed with her twice before so know her routine and when I make myself scarce! It was great once I got though the explanations about the death of my husband Ray, and the death of my dear Mum to simply spend time sharing the stories and catching up on the doings of the family since I last saw them in 1998. Just little things like attending the birthday party of one of Jacquie's grandsons made me feel like family. And that is really important to me since the passing of Mum and Ray - to feel as if I have family out there who have a affection for me.
     
    It was good to meet a few cousins that I have been writing to or emailing for years. In one case I only saw them for a couple of hours but it is good to find that is okay, we were still the same people, still friends, still able to communicate on certain levels. And I finally caught up with my Mum's step-brother and his wife, I had never met Jeannette and not seen Gordon since I was seven! But we all enjoyed the experience and that is what counts. The London cousins were the easiest to live with, comfortable homes full of noise with boisterous sons who reminded me of my own and and an anything-goes attitude that is so part of the culture here in Australia. Other cousins were still quite formal and I felt as if I had to mind my manners.
     
    Travelling alone is a bit scary, I went on the coach tour and it is definitely a couples world but I became friends with a couple of American widows, one travelling with her daughter and one with her grandchildren and talked to whoever was at my table, Americans, Australians and a few others travelling together. I had a bit of a down day when I reached Ireland as Ray had loved Ireland when we were there together and so much made me remember our love and my loss. Seeing the couples getting into the jaunting cars was the worst experience as last time Ray and I did that "romantic experience" together, so I just walked around the village for a couple of hours instead.
     
    The cousins that had offered hospitality made a big difference. I was confident that if anything went wrong I only had to ring one of them and ask for help. Staying in their homes was good, reinforcing our bonds and talking together made us realise we could be friends as well as cousins. I felt we were growing in affection, remembering we are family even though our parents, the original siblings are now all gone. It was well worth the cost to rediscover that. Some of my older cousins asked me to promise to come again soon. I understand that, to learn to love is to prepare for loss and we older ones sensed that. It was so great to look at people and realise we have so much history in common.
     
    Although I went to some places Ray and I had been to I also saw Britain through new eyes, through the eyes of "Sue as she is today". It was almost fifteen years since I had been there so time moved on and there were many changes, old buildings and streetscapes replaced by new. I only passed through London but the traffic was horrendous, the sidewalks crowded and the noise was loud and raucous. I was glad I was not driving myself this time and that transport was quicker and easier without Ray's post first stroke slowness to figure into the equation. On the whole I found everyone courteous and willing to help a stranger on her way.
     
    I know the journey enabled me to see life from a different perspective, so now there is time to settle back in and plan for the future. There are a lot of things I need to list, need to plan for, need to do. I know that if I take it slowly I will get there in the end. There is no rush, I have the rest of my life to do it. God willing.
  14. swilkinson

    away for a while

    By swilkinson,

    I am going on a holiday. It is the first time I have been away by myself. The other breaks I have had since Ray went into the hostel and nursing home and since he died have only been down the south coast to stay with my daughter. This is different and I am a little anxious. I'd love to tell you all about it but am paranoid about "security" these days when scammers hack into profiles on Face Book etc.
     
    I have had a frantic couple of weeks catching up with all the usual things you do before going on holidays, cleaning, tossing, arranging plant minders, someone to collect the mail etc. My younger son Trev will help out as will a neighbour if there is an emergency. We have had some wild and woolley weather so I need regular checks on the house. After another three day rain event everything is decidedly soggy so I will air what I can and leave the rest.
     
    I am a bit afraid of how I will be meeting up with cousins who I haven't seen in years, as we all know people age differently and that can cause some stress. I know in a couple of cases they are not well so I will put on my caregiver cloak and do what I can, if only keep the caregiver company. That is the idea of the catch-up, to see how they all are and see if there is anything I can do for them. Sometimes someone from outside sees things differently and can help give a different viewpoint. Sometimes the person from the outside should keep silent...I will keep that in mind.
     
    I am also hoping to have some fun. It has been a long time since I have enjoyed a good deep laugh. It has been easier the past few months to see my life as still viable. For a while, like most widows, I thought the best years were behind me with Ray's passing, but now I do see that it is possible to rebuild your life...painfully slow but possible.
     
    I will report in when I get back. **hi**
  15. swilkinson
    A few people have asked me what I intend to do with the rest of my life. To some of my older friends, 20 years older than me, from their perspective I should try getting out more, enjoying my life while I am able to, before the aches and pains of old age catch up with me. Some of my younger friends think I should maybe get a part-time job but I don't really want to go back to work now. I was a caregiver full-time for 13 years, then part-time supervisor to Ray and Mum in their nursing homes and now I am officially "retired" and I mean to spend my healthy days on doing some of the things I didn't have time to do while I cared for Ray.
     
    BUT WHAT? Sure I have plenty to do. There is the cooking, cleaning, yardwork. Those things that I have always done. But not having Ray and Mum to look after or visit, has left me with a lot of empty time. After all those years of caregiving it is difficult to know what I want to do with it, in what way I could spend my time that would seem worthwhile. I have been reading Jean Riva's blog on blogspot and she has written several blogs on the same subject: what to do that she would enjoy doing and consider worth while.
     
    Of course some of my friends would like me to join the groups they belong to but I need to join groups that interest me, that fit in with my values, that would use my talents and appreciate my gifts. At the moment I am going on with groups I have belonged to in the past. I went to the WAGS group lunch on Saturday. It was like walking into a reunion with old friends and I enjoyed it, but there is a sense in which I do not belong there now. I found the survivors particularly hadn't much to say once we got past: "Hello Sue, how are you going?" Because the next natural question would in the past have been "...and how is Ray?" So there were some uncomfortable silences.
     
    I would sometimes like to hibernate, like bears do, just hole up with a good supply of food and shut the world out. Shut out all the loving, caring people who think if I just did this or that my life would be fine. But how lonely would I be then, even with the laptop and the visits I can have with my cyber friends? I need to do something regular where I get to interact with others. Left to myself I can go for days without a conversation face to face and for a sociable gal like me that is not good. That way lies madness.
     
    In the church I am going on as before, my name is on a few rosters and I try to be there when I am rostered on. But the need is in other places and that is something I want to explore. Would I be better suited to leading groups now rather than in acting as a liturgical assistant? I think I need to do some grief training first before I volunteer to do hospital visiting . At the present my life is so unstructured. I welcomed that for a long while but now I am looking around for something to do that seems worth doing and meaningful.
     
    When Spring comes and the days lengthen I am going to rethink what I am doing and when and see if I can find something that fills my time and provides me with some new relationships that may turn into friendships. I have been to a lot of funerals this year as the church oldies and the older Lions have succumbed to illness and cancer among other diseases. It has been sad to go to a funeral just about every week and it does bring home to me that I need to make friendships among YOUNGER people.
     
    I don't want to rush into things, I've just had a couple of wobbly days. I think it is because I need to make some decisions that will affect the future, particularly my future in this house. There are a few repairs to do that are going to be expensive so I have to think how long I will stay on here and if spendng a good deal of money will be worth it or if I should just do "bandaid" repairs and sell "as is". There is electrical work to be done, some interior doors need replacing, the whole house needs to be painted, inside and out, and then I need to replace some flooring. Ray built onto this house last in 1983 and it shows. So do I do a large renovation or do I just patch some of the problems and leave the rest?
     
    I seem to be going over and over the last year or so of Ray's life again. I thought I was over that but now it has reappeared. Sometimes as I am waking from a nap I even think I see a glimpse of him as I did this afternoon. I am not usually that imaginative so maybe it is just a form of wishful thinking? I often wonder why I can't just accept that it is over and move on? So many reminders all around me in this house that he is simply not here now. So sad.
  16. swilkinson

    Cousins and kin

    By swilkinson,

    My birthday passed off okay. With a cake at Craft and a few congratulations at Lions and dinner and cupcakes the following night at my DIL's place with her family. I missed the big family gathering, missed Ray, missed Mum. I know I will never be able to recreate those past times, I just don't have the light hearted approach to life I used to have. I guess I am older and wiser from the experience I had during those last 14 years but with that came some pretty heavy memories and they are still weighing me down at the moment.
     
    We had some silliness in chat this week, lots of cyber wine flowing and the group members were as always great in their support for one another. I am so glad we did form the Caregiver Chat group as it has provided me with such a wonderful group of people to be friends with over many years. I am thinking of changing my status to volunteer as that is what I really am here now with my caregiving years behind me. I am a volunteer at church and in other organizations too so that is what I am used to being called.
     
    I had the funeral to attend on Thursday and Friday was busy too with church meeting and home communions to do. Luckily my southern grandkids and Shirley arrived an hour after I arrived home and Craig an hour later. He has just completed a Chaplaincy course in Sydney. We had a late dinner and a chat before bed. Up fairly early this morning and Shirley took me shopping for a wet weather jacket to take on my trip. I guess it rains a lot in England and Ireland so better safe than sorry. I am still deciding what to pack. Probably it would be best to travel as light as possible.
     
    We had Alice's party to go to so much discussion on what to wear , what there would be to eat (Christopher) what one should wear in one's hair (Naomi). While out shopping, how did I mamange to get stains on the front of what I was wearing? Back to change once again. I knew my DIL would take lots of pictures and she did of: cousins, uncles and aunts, Granma, Nanny, Nana Chris all with food on the way to their mouths. No glamor shots but no hurt feelings, unless maybe the worst ones are posted on Facebook. Lots of littlies enjoying each others company, playing with the toys together especially the "just turned one" boys and girls of Edies's Mum's group, lovley to see the group of workmates and their children sitting together. The party was a resounding success.
     
    The oldies sat and discussed likeness. Alice's colouring is slightly ginger hair and blue eyes, Pam and Steven's three Tori, tall, dark hair and eyes, Alex, mid brown hair, built sqaure of body and piercing blue eyes, Oliver, much thinner,black hair and dark brown eyes, From Shirley's family, Christopher, tall, square build, honey blonde curls and blue eyes, Naomi, thin,midbrown hair and grey eyes. From Edie, Lucas has inherited his mother's dark hair and eyes. His cousins, his aunt's boys are both mid brown hair and hazel eyes but Edie's brothers children, the little girl blonde with blue eyes, the little boy red hair and green eyes, There are some resemblances and some ways in which one cousin resembles another in another family. Lucas and Tori, not blood relatives are often mistaken for brother and sister.
     
    I got back from Alice's birthday party worn out. It was a wonderful party but exhausting following Alice as she ran around. She was happy today and laughed every time someone else laughed. She loves running around, looks like a wind-up doll when she runs. Watching her was a lot of fun. She had some helium filled balloons and we each held a string. Easy way of keeping a hold on her. Not to mention keeping the balloons from flying away when we were outside and she let go of the string! Seven grandchildren, what a blessing I have been given.
     
    Having most of the family at Alice's first official birthday party was bitter sweet, reminding me of our large family gatherings and also Trev and Edie's wedding as all of her side of the family were there. But of course no Ray. There were lots of littlies running around, with the two joined families plus Mums and Bubs group families and friends of Edie's from where she works. It was noisy, busy and lots of fun. But for a while I went outside alone and sat and thought about Ray and why it is really sad that now we have to go on being a family without him.
  17. swilkinson
    Trevor, Edie, Alice, Lucas and I had dinner out tonight. Trevor wanted it to be this weekend we celebrated my birthday as next weekend will be Alice's First Birthday Party and he didn't want me to feel neglected. They even bought me a glass of champagne, not a good idea as I am one of those people who glow like a neon light but I did appreciate the thought and the effort they put into it. A good time was had by all, we all have different tastes in food and I was pleased Lucas now loves sushi as that is much better for him than the pizza which used to be his favourite.
     
    Alice is so darned cute. She was amusing everyone at nearby tables with her baby peek-a-boo games.Several other diners came over to say goodnight to her. It seems she is one of the baby group fashionistas and was a big hit today at another first birthday party this afternoon to which she wore pink tights and a tu tu! I am glad Edie is sociable and takes her around to visit other Mums and Bubs on her days off. You need that company and support when you are a young Mum.
     
    Where we went tonight was at one of our nicer buffet restuarants locally and the food there is delicious. It amazed me how good the children were, Alice all smiles and Lucas too. He told me this year at school is his best year ever! For a boy who was a problem child two years ago he has certainly changed. I was pleased tonight when he snuggled up beside me in the car and had a chat, being accepted by children is a special privilege.
     
    I've also had a couple from our days long ago visit this week. John is Trev's godfather so was delighted to finally meet Miss Alice. It is good to see the happiness she is generating.They have always been part of our support group but have not had good health themselves the past couple of years so I was delighted when they decided to come for a visit. It is different hosting couples as a widow but it all worked out well. Happily we had a couple of fine sunny days so were able to get out and enjoy the beautiful sights of my part of the Central Coast. I do love having visitors. I suspect John missed having Ray to talk to as they were great mates.
     
    It is raining now and that is predicted to last for three days so time to put up my feet and read, crochet, knit and finally assemble some of those bags of squares into rugs. I won't mind a couple of quiet days as life has been quite hectic of late. It is part of life that it speeds up for a while and then slows down as the seasons change. I think winter is finally here, the temps are lower at night and although the days are sunny there is still a chill in the air. We can't complain as we have had some glorious autumn weather and we do need the rain.
     
    I have had a bit of a clean-up. It is time to pack up Ray's winter clothes and donate them to charity now. I hate to do it but there is no sense in hanging onto them when others could do with warm clothes for winter. I will probably keep a couple of things out of sentiment. Edie was telling me of a new charity that provides clothes for the homeless so maybe I will get in touch with them. It is not hard in adverse circumstances to find yourself homeless, there should be no stigma attached, we should just be grateful that life has somehow been kinder to us than it has to others who are less fortunate than ourselves.
     
    I went to a meeting at church today about home visiting and other pastoral issues. The co-ordinator said she has my name down on a list of guest speakers so looks like I will be busy when I get back from my holiday. I guess I need to keep busy but I also need to make sure that my busyness is invested in something worthwhile.
  19. swilkinson
    Today is the sixth month since Mum died, yesterday was the eighth month since Ray died, anniversaries of sadness, painful times still to come. No, I am not stuck in the one place it is more like a rollercoaster than ever, Sometimes I am at the top and can see the view ahead, sometimes I am at the bottom and all I can see is the hill ahead I have to climb. But I am getting stronger so climbing is not the problem it was initially.
     
    One new thing is that I am getting more and more comfortable in my own home. That has certainly been a long time coming. For a while I had to keep jumping in the car and going out to the shopping centre where there were bright lights and people and noise, not just the sound of my own breathing. That seems to have calmed down now. I still have restless days when I paced up and down or keep getting up in the night as if there is something else I have to do. I think these are mild anxiety attacks. From talking to other widows it seems those are quite common in the first year.
     
    I had a bad day on Wednesday, I was fine till chat was over but had the grumbly tummy and the headache and the general unwellness that we all expereince. I think it is then that I feel so ALONE. I know that is how it is, I am here, I am sick, no-one else knows and that is the way it is. I could ring one of my kids but I am leaving that for a real emergency, not just a grumbly tummy so I sat down and cried it all out. "Poor me" etc. But even then in a way I felt I could ride it out. I am stronger than I was.
     
    The dreams of summer are fading now, some trees have dropped their leaves and there is raking and disposing to do. I have loosened the soil in some of the potplants and am praying that we don't get a frost through winter, it is not so unknown here in a real bad winter. There is snow on the Snowy Mountains and Australian Alps so the skiing enthusiasts are gearing up for a good season. It is a great tourist industry for that area and so it is a good thing. The problem is the winds that blow from the south and have us all reaching for our warmer clothes.
     
    I had Trev call in this morning and I asked him to dispose of a couple of things for me, to check the gas bottles, to look in the garage when he has time and see what we can dispose of in there. He listed all the jobs he has to do, the soccer he takes Lucas to, the wedding of a girlfriend of Edie's that they are attending next weekend, the plans for Alice's first birthday that Edie needs help with now she is back working 15 hours a week. I know, "they have a life of their own"...sigh. I think I will pin a list on the whiteboard of things I would like him to do and see if he can do some of them when he has a spare hour or two. That might work.
     
    The crashing and banging next door today is the scaffolding coming down. The new house is almost to lock-up stage now. I am hopeful that the fit-out will be less noisy as it is inside, muffled by walls. The house is painted on the outside so the scaffolding can go, all else will be done with ladders. It has been a very noisy few months and I think that has been adding to my stress levels. I think from now on I should be able to take it more in my stride as it will seem more like a normal home being renovated. I think the chaos next door has been another factor in the "everything seems to be changing " aspect of my life.
     
    I am so grateful for the "lunch bunch" ladies as going to lunch after church has become one of the ways Sundays has become a happy time again. It is nice to think I will go to church and then out to lunch and only have the rest of the afternoon to fill in. At first it seemed like an indulgence, now it seems just an enjoyable part of my routine. I have always said: "I get by with a little help from my friends" and that is certainly true of this part of my life as well.
     
    I wonder how much of what is put down as depression is just extreme loneliness? I read all the time on a widows' site of the loneliness of widows. I think we feel that as survivors and caregivers too so it is not a new sensation. I was so busy looking after the welfare of Ray and Mum even when I was no longer a hands-on caregiver so it was not until they were both gone that the impact of time on my hands and loneliness in my life actually registered. Up till Mum's death I still felt like a caregiver, was still focussed on those caregtiver issues, was still involved in the world of medical solutions and care issues. That is no longer the case.
     
    Now some of that is fading from my mind I feel an emptiness that is hard to explain. Last night I was feeling useless, wondering what the purpose of my life is now, what I am supposed to do. Those feelings come and go. My life does not have a purpose...me who was dedicated to the purpose driven life. But does it have to be? Maybe I need to go to a Buddhist retreat like a girlfriend of mine has just done and learn how to live a life whose purpose is closer to heaven than to earth. Maybe I need to reset my conscience so that I do not feel lazy if I am not busy, busy, busy all the time. I am not sure how I will go about that but will try to make it one of the thoughts I work on when I am on holiday in July.
     
    For now I need to go on sorting through my "stuff" getting the house into some kind of order that is relevant to me. I have heard that decluttering help you to be less anxious. But just maybe I need to stop relying on busyness to fill my days and simply let living and breathing for a while be enough.
  20. swilkinson

    giving time

    By swilkinson,

    I have been trying to give time to my family when they ask for it but while still maintaining some independence. It is always a balancing act, isn't it? There is so much busyness in all our lives. When I was a full-time caregiver I gave very little time and thought to the family, now my time is my own I can spare them the time but don't want to get too embroiled in their lifes. I don't want to become the interferring mother-in-law, the type who's phone calls have to be screened out or ignored untill you have the time to deal with them.
     
    Sometimes I feel lonely, as you know, as I have expressed that here before. Sometimes I am busy and time flies. I have a kind of routine now, it is not set in stone and I have not got any committments I cannot drop if I have to. I am paranoid about getting into a position where I HAVE to do anything on a permanent basis. Of course I try to be on here for my chat, do a weekly Blog Report etc. At church I try to make sure if my name is on one of the rosters I am there and do carry out my obligations. But none of that is a life or death committment like looking after Ray physically or emotionally was.
     
    With Mum's death the rest of my obligations peeled away. I so miss her and mourn for her especially last week with the lead-up to Mother's Day on Sunday. All the "firsts" are difficult so Mother's Day became something I dreaded. But it all went okay. My daughter rang me before church to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and Trevor rang me to ask me what was a suitable time for them to bring over meat and salad vegetables for a BBQed dinner. We settled on 5.30pm so I could still go to Messy Church in the afternoon. That worked out well, though walking out on the dinner of oven baked savoury potatoes the Messy Church participants were having was hard. I did so with some reluctance.
     
    So on Sunday I served at church, went out with the lunch bunch ladies for a quick lunch then came home for an hour before going to Messy Church, then home to set up for Trev to BBQ. They arrived almost an hour late but that was understandable with their other Mother needing some attention plus getting in a sleep for Alice and a calm-down period for Lucas. It was a pleasant clear evening, Trevor cooked us a nice meal and the company was good. Alice was clowning around and making us laugh. Trev bought me potting mix and organic fertilizer ( it is a byproduct of cows...lol) as that is our standard present so in Spring I will be able to pot up all the plants once more.
     
    My other son didn't visit. My DIL rang up but as she didn't have the children she arranged that she and they would come over Monday after school and give me a special afternoon tea which they did. Of course Pamela still misses her own mother who died twelve years ago. I guess it is just something we do for the rest of our lives. The gifts the grandchildren had chosen were nice too, they don't have much money but had put some thought into what they would buy. We watched as they played outside, came inside and watched one of the Singlaong videos and had a scrumptious and far too sugary afternoon tea, but as it was in good company who cares?
     
    I have been asked to get more involved in church happenings but said I would leave making decisions on getting more involved until I come back from my planned holiday to England (more details of that later) and so that has bought me a breathing space. I know everyone has extra jobs lined up for me if I want them but do I want to be tied down again? Not in the foreseeable future. I love to volunteer but now it has to be out of choice not out of duty or obligation. I have all that time of being tied down behind me now. Do I want to be busy and for my life to be fulfilled? Yes, of course I do. I just do not know how that will happen as yet. I am hoping that life will adjust so that the way forward is obvious. Does it ever happen that way?
     
    I have a busy week ahead of me, three things to do tomorrow, pick up oldies for the Friendship morning tea, pop in to see a girfriend who I had promised to have lunch with but can't now as I have to go to another Lions Club member's funeral at 1.30pm. This is the second one in two months. I am hoping there are no more this year. On your Tuesday evening, my Wednesday morning it is chat time and then I hope to do some gardening for the rest of the day weather permitting. I was too busy over the weekend to do any gardening or tidying up. I usually do the odd jobs like gardening on Saturdays but this Saturday was Edie's birthday so I had lunch over at Trev and Edie's. It was not a formal lunch as they were going out to a very exclusive restuarant for a very expensive dinner that evening so it was salad sandwiches for lunch but I enjoyed being with them anyway.
     
    As usual, life goes on.
  21. swilkinson
    I need to shape up. I have slumped down for too long feeling sorry for myself. I need to get out more, not to the usual haunts but maybe to different places, places I would once have gone for rest and relaxation before being confined to the house with Ray's illness. A friend told me that in a stern voice yesterday, my fault as I had asked for her advice. When you ask for advice you do lay yourself open for others to take a bit out of you. This friend is honest in the extreme, which is why I value her opinion. She just tells it as she sees it. And boy that smarts sometimes. But she is also a widow so she does know my pain.
     
    It is hard being on your own, making decisions about your own future. That is why I want the kids to discuss things with me. But ultimately I know the decision-making is down to me. It is my life. I am only just emerging from what has seemed like a fog. It is hard to explain it to people who have not been through it. It is as if you see faces through a mist and hear people but cannot assimilate what they are saying. Sometimes it is like I have been in a dark room for a long time and when I go outside the light is too bright, the voices too loud. I know others probably see me as "normal", they hear me laugh as say they are glad I am "coming out of it now". As if I have been ill or unconscious for a while.
     
    I am assured by others that they know what I am going through. Do they heck! We are all individuals and we all grieve in our own way, we all feel our own pain, we all tread a similar path but do it in our own time. I am missing the time spent with the grief caounsellor as she saw life in a text book plus shared experience kind of way. She did not know exactly what I was going through but did know what people at my stage of grief generally went through. I stopped at six sessions as I didn't want to be someone who was constantly in therapy. There is a bit of pride in that I guess, I want to be independent.
     
    I went to the Stoke Recovery group meeting on Saturday, there was no guest speaker so the co-ordinator asked if we could help her to flesh out a presentation she is making to a national conference. She asked questions and the group answered. On the whole we agreed that person-centred care is often in name only, consulting the caregiver often doesn't happen and the information flow is not as good as it could be. There were horror stories, mainly about buzzers out of reach and patients left in their own...well you get the picture.
     
    I did mention the wall that goes up when the word "Dementia" enters the notes. I had too many occassions when some staff member said: "we would have given Ray such and such treatment, only he has dementia". If that happened I always emphasised that although Ray had dementia I didn't so as long as I knew what to do with him, I could repeat the exercises at home. Sometimes that worked sometimes it didn't. Some staff just seemed to want to write him off. We do have a tendency to write off dementia patients here and if stroke is the dominant feature why is that not treated? After all a body is just a body, if the person without dementia needs to do certain things in order to get well so does the person with dementia.
     
    When she asked if there was any after care problems I would have liked to have mentioned the lack of grief counselling but I didn't want to introduce a topic a lot of them are not ready for yet. The saying about not jumping the gate until you reach it came to mind. I don't think caregivers put their heads in the sand but they deal with so much trauma day to day they don't want to think too far ahead. I know I was like that, today and tomorrow were always more than enough for me and next week was just written in the diary so I wouldn't forget where I was supposed to take Ray.
     
    How does a past middle aged woman reorientate herself to a new life? I have had some helpful suggestions from other widows. Travel is seen as a panacea, or new hobbies, joining the gym, reconnecting with old friends, going to see more distant family etc. I think it depends a lot which generation you are in. I am going to do some travelling, one overseas trip, then some little trips to catch up with old friends. I don't know at this stage whether Ray's brothers and sisters want to keep in touch, no-one has said they'd like me to visit or that they would be visiting me. Maybe they don't know how to change the relationship either and that is another thing I will have to take slowly. How long do your friends need to adjust to the fact that you are on your own now?
     
    So I will visit those who have extended an invitation. I guess this is another time when you accept the friendships offered rather than grieving friendships lost, or maybe you do both.As with all things it is hasten slowly.
  22. swilkinson
    I went to visit my daughter and family for a few days. It was a good visit as the sun was shining for a change. I had a hard trip down as I had to stand on the train for the first 90 minutes and got a bad cramp in my left calf, ouchy! But the rest of the trip was good. I almost didn't go as looking after the other grandkids had me feeling very tired but talking to Debbie (Ethyl17) she reminded me how much I love to go visit my daughter and yes, it is always worth going down there.
     
    I had hoped for some time alone with Shirley but that never happened. I know she is busy with all the work she does as a Salvation Army officer but there are things I wanted to say to her that I didn't want her kids to hear or her husband to comment on, just family matters, but she was either working or the family were there. As usual she had a funeral to do, a big one this time as the loved one was one of that last generation of old soldiers from WW2. He was also a sports-mad father and all his long life had been involved in a lot of community organisations and many were there to farewell a good friend.
     
    Although Shirley and I talk on the phone that is not the way to discuss deeper issues. What is on my mind is now about moving and rehousing myself. At the moment I have room for them to come and stay and if I go into housing more suitable to my needs as a widow that will not be so. At present the littlest grandchildren get a lot of fun doing outdoor activities, especially the little boys so I value having a big backyard but as it also goes with an older house that needs a lot of maintaining that is a bit of a problem. I know in a few years time the boys will not need the space to run around in but for now they do so a villa with a patch of lawn is probably not the best accommodation for me.
     
    I also need probably to put my end-of-life wishes on paper as she is my guardian, maybe that is the talk she is not ready to have yet? Having lost one parent I guess she doesn't really want to think about losing another? I know it is early days as we only lost Ray last September but I need to have it settled in my own mind too. I just have to hope the time will come soon when she is ready to have such a discussion.
     
    I do wonder if you have to change the way you approach family matters as a widow? Once the families would come fairly often to see Ray and I because of the thought I suppose that he would not be with us forever but now it is just me it doesn't seem like an issue. I know that is how we felt when Ray's Step-Dad died after a long fight with cancer. Little did we know that we would lose his Mum to a heart attack eleven months later. In a sense we are all living on borrowed time and for that reason should not put off visiting family and friends. Even if that means listening to their problems and getting involved in the solutions. We owe those who nurtured us for our survival and need to remember that.
     
    Had a bit of a laugh this morning when I was talking to Trev on the phone and he told me he had dropped in some papers at 11.30pm last night, using his key to open the back door. He said all he could hear was me snoring, so at least a burglar would know where I was sleeping and be able to avoid that room! Well I was tired from the trip home but honestly I never heard him come in.
     
    Today was Shirley's daughter Naomi's birthday, she turned 9. While I was down on the visit I got her one of the popular bracelets with large ornate beads on it. Of course not the famous jewelled ones but a cheap imitation. She is starting to get interested in jewellery so was pleased with it. The bracelets became part of the market stall I looked after at the Market Day they have in their hall every two months. A Market Day is a good way of getting the community interested in what you are all about as an organisation so they use it for PR as well as as a fundraiser. I can still sell just about anything so those years in Tuppwerware fitted me out with valuable skills I still use.
     
    Now I am home I need to chase up the old tradesman who was to put a new screen door on the back door for me and find out when that is going to happen. It seems as if the maintenance is never ending here but I think that is the same for all owners of older houses. When we were young we took it for granted that some weekends had to be set aside for house maintenance and those jobs like digging over the garden and making constructive changes to the backyard. Now it is just me that seems a good deal harder but eventually I will settle to doing the jobs I am capable of doing and getting tradesmen in to do the rest. I guess that is a part of the acceptance journey.
     
    And so life goes on for me. I am hoping there will be signs I am getting stronger and more able to cope. I accept good and bad days will still happen and I will have to find a way to cope with that. I just want to find it easier to surf the waves of grief that are a part of my life now and find a new balance.
  23. swilkinson

    tired out tonight

    By swilkinson,

    I've just had the grandchildren who I usually mind for three days, two nights. It was lovely during the day but when the little ones get tired it is tough getting them into bed. It didn't help that the bricklayers are still on the job next door and the site manager was on my driveway at 6.20am yesterday morning making phone calls. No consideration for the fact this is a residential area not a new subdivision.
     
    I love my grandkids and I really try to make their time here enjoyable. On Monday it was a trip to the lagoon south of here, soft sand, lots of sand castle building, making sand angels etc. A picnic lunch hastily slung together stopped our appettites in their tracks. Three hours in the middle of the day is generally enough. We came back home and for the rest of the day did circuits here, trampoline, swing and slippery dip out the back, wheeled toys and sandpit out on the front verandah and some activitiy like painting set out in the living area. There are also DVDs and videos and lots of toys to play with. I could set up my own preschool with the amount of toys I have here.
     
    Tuesday we went to the lakeshore ten minutes north of here to a big playground, lots of different sandpits, rocking machines etc in a fenced in area, with a lot of swings and climbing equipment outside of that area. The little ones really powered around the place and when I wanted to leave it was: "No, no, Granma no." So we went off and got some goodies for lunch and went back for another couple of hours. Probably too much because today they were so tired and worn out and I was too.
     
    Today it was Tori's twelth birthday and her mother picked up one of her girlfriends from school at her house and then came and picked up Tori for a girl's day out. The little boys started grumbling from then on. I took them to a park they had been asking to go to and they enjoyed it for a while. It has a flying fox, kid's size, which Oliver was very keen on and some kid's sized circuit training equipment which Alex thought was great. In the end Alex got into an argument with another child and started crying so home we came after being there for only a couple of hours. We had two really good days so I expect it was all a bit too much for the little boys.
     
    Thanks to the girls in chat for understanding about me having the kids here and letting me off after half an hour. Good to have so many chatting again and despite the spring silliness that sometimes arises I am sure our Host Sally is quite able to control them without a whip and a chair. It is good to know that I am not fully responsible now. It has been a longer term volunteer role than I expected it to be when I started in 2006. It has been very rewarding though and good to know that cyberfriends from Strokenet generally and caregiver chat in particular have always been there to support me when I needed it.
     
    I have had a few things go wrong lately. I try to do my best to feel in control and make some sensible decisions but deep down I just don't want to do it. I certainly don't want to think too far ahead. I don't want life to be like this. It is hard not to have another person to bounce ideas off, to help make decisions. It makes me feel so sad and alone. I felt that way when I switched the hotplates on tonight. One went ** snap** and didn't light up. Yet another thing to do. I only just replaced the refrigerator. It seems as if everything around me is breaking down. Before I felt as if everything was at least a joint decision. Now it is just me to take the blame if I get it wrong. I understand missing Ray and that feeling of doing it all on my own. I didn't think I would feel so vulnerable and unsure for so long.
     
    I spoke to my daughter on the phone tonight. I would have liked to go down to her place for a few days, the weekend at least but she has her Market Day again Saturday and will be very busy so I wouldn't see much of her. And I honestly don't think I want to take the five hour journey each way down and back in four days. It is lovely to spent time with them, especially the two grandchildren. But it is hard that they live so far away. I hoped and prayed before Ray died that they would move closer but that didn't happen. I wonder if it will happen with their next move or if that will take them even further away?
     
    And so I am tired out tonight. Not only tired but a little stressed out with the unaccustomed activity and that cleaning before and cleaning up after feeling. Plenty of laundry to do tomorrow and then I am thinking I'll take it easy for a few days.
  24. swilkinson
    I've had a few blue days. I hate the wind howling around the house and the rain smashing against the windows when I am alone. Just a couple of days of that and I can feel blue. I can tell now that winter with it's short grey days is coming and do not look forward to that with joy. But I have warm clothes and a roof over my head, enough food in the freezer so I don't have to shop in the bad weather and no-one but me to worry about so I should feel happy with that.
     
    My daughter and family were coming this week for a few days but somehow our wires got crossed and now they are not. I love to have them here but as a spur of the moment decision it was really bad timing. I get the three little ones again for three days from tomorrow and would have been pushed to find room for all anyway. I love visitors but not all at once. I was also thinking about going down to them just for a few days but something else has come up, a funeral to go to, a market day to help with, little things that fill my life.
     
    I had my preaching day today. It is all three services so 8am, 9.30am and 6pm. Not large attendences as our churchyard is a mess, the old hall having been pulled down last week so a lot of the older folk didn't come for fear there wouldn't be parking for them. I am happier when the church isn't full and feel more confident when I am preaching to people I know so it was fine. I always think I write things I need to confirm in my mind so for me a sermon is much like a blog and as I preached on widows which struck a note with those who were also widows and we all learned together. We widows can still be of service to our community and find plenty to keep us busy.
     
    The first week of the school holidays was mostly fine but with much colder weather predicted for this week. There has been the first light snow on the Snowy Mountians and as the winds were blowing from that direction there was a distinct chill in the air. I know compared to the winters most of you have ours are laughable but our open plan houses are hard to heat and a chill in the air is a chill in the air wherever you are. So time for the dressing gowns and slippers to come out and the summer clothes to go away in favour of warmer clothes. Bah Humbug!!!
     
    I am learning to have regrets but not punish myself for the mistakes I make. I did communion in hospital for a lady who thinks of herself as an old friend of mine. I don't know if it was the painkillers she was on but she was quite strident and argumentative when I took the communion to her. I still went through the motions but was unhappy with what was happening. Maybe I need to check things out with the staff before I do that again. It is all a learning curve dealing with people and their personalities. When you deal with older folk in a hospital setting you have to take into account reaction to medication and the possibility of dementia clouding a mind as a part of the equation. Help! I need more training before I move forward!
     
    It looks like I will be going to a couple of funerals this coming week. One on Wednesday afternoon so I will do chat, give the two boys their lunch and then get dressed for the funeral so that I am ready when Pam comes back to get them. The 24th of April is Tori's birthday, she will be twelve so she and a girlfriend and Pam are going out for a special lunch while the boys stay here with me. Twelve already, oh my! She is already giving me a peck on the cheek instead of a hug so showing signs of moving into those teenage years with a year yet to go!
     
    Life moves forward but slowly. Not too many changes for me to cope with. I am trying to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, to be grateful for a letter in the post, an email in my inbox, a phone call from a friend. On the days when none of those happen I try to be glad of the solitude, that I am no longer wrung out by trying to meet someone else's care needs. But if it would bring my dear Ray back to me I would go through it all again for sure.
  25. swilkinson
    I feel a bit of a fraud blogging at all as nothing much new is happening in my life right now. The weather is fine, warm, cooler at night. I have been able to get out in the garden and trimmed back some of the shrubs. It is good to do that while we still have warm days and a possibility of rain. I do enjoy being out in the garden on a sunny afternoon.
     
    I have started on some maintenance jobs so the front insect screens got done this week and I am hoping for a locking screen door on the back of the house next week. I know the theory is:"If they want to break in they will" but I would rather make it harder not easier. I am fairly good with living on my own but the odd noise can sometimes spook me in the middle of the night. And older houses like mine do creak and groan a bit when the wind blows around the eves.
     
    I have had two phone calls this weekend telling me older friends have just been diagnosed with dementia. One is a former school teacher who cared for her husband for many years and was only just getting out and about again. I actually phoned her to return a call from last week and I could tell right away she was confused about who I was. We have been friends and fellow caregvers for many years and she is an intelligent woman. She and her husband who died four years ago were a great support for Ray and I when he first had the major strokes so I would really like to help support her if I can.
     
    She did the classical half sentences like: "I'm sure I'll remember what I was going to say", "When I have time to think.." without filling in what she was going to think about, or what she intended to say. A lot of people do that early in the disease. I had heard from another friend that the daughter whose Granny flat she lives in wants to move so I hope she treats her Mum with some compassion. I hate to see an ex-caregiver succumb to ill health but I know caregiving, particularly when it reaches 24/7, is a tremendous strain to our systems especially with disturbed nights and long demanding days.
     
    The second phone call concerned a former business woman and church friend who hasn't been to church for a while so a reply from her daughter to a pastoral call I made told me she has been diagnosed with dementia now and no longer has her driving licence. One of the disadvantages of going to a church is that so many of your dear friends, ten or more years older, suddenly get ill or diagnosed with something like cancer, heart disease or dementia. I am thinking I might ask if it is possible for me to visit them as their pastoral visitor, I have the time now and it is good to spend time with old friends even if the conversation wanders a bit. At the moment I only have a couple of home communions to do once a month so I could add a couple of pastoral visits to that easily.
     
    Apart from that it has been a dry, sunny, warm weekend and I have enjoyed it. Great to be able to sit on the verandah with a pot of tea and a good book for a while and ignore the housework. I will probably have my three grandchildren a couple of days this week with a sleepover and a couple of days next week with another sleepover as it is school vacation for two weeks and their parents will both be working. I enjoy them for a couple of days. In this weather it is easy to keep them busy, there is walking and gardening and all kinds of games to play, videos and DVDs to watch. It is all different to what they do at home so they enjoy the break.
     
    I had my hearing checked last week and it was fine. I probably need to have some blood tests and the flu needle in the next couple of weeks. It is better safe than sorry. It seems strange to plan these things as before, particularly the last couple of years Ray was home with me we saw the doctor so often, now it is over a year since I have seen him. I have had a couple of colds last winter but mostly managed with over the counter products. When I had the spider bite and then the ant bite I sat in the local 24 hour surgery because my doctor isn't there of a weekend so didn't see my own doctor on those occassions.
     
    Bricks were delivered last Monday to the house next door but no further work was done on it. If I was the owner I would be cross that they were not using the current dry weather to their advantage. My neighbour on the other side of the new house said a small floppy eared brown and black rabbit had been seen in the long grass on the back of the block. It does iook a little like a mini wilderness so I am not surprised a rabbit might choose it as it's new home. Wonder if that will change if the site gets busy again? Obviously this is not a common rabbit so I also wonder where it escaped from?