swilkinson

I finally got in to see Ray on Saturday. He is supposedly over the chest infection but is actually in a much weakened state and not communicating,not feeding himself (the nurse's aides help him when I am not there), not drinking unless someone else gives him the drink and was crying this morning, tears running down his cheeks and looking at me so pitifully but when I asked him was something wrong he shook his head. I will see the nursing staff tomorrow and report what I saw and see what they think is wrong. I did the chat on Tuesday night (Wednesday morning my time) went out to lunch with my sister came home and was sick until Friday afternoon. Not something I ate though I did consider that but an ear, nose and throat virus. I wasn't sure what it was so threw a lot of over-the-counter type meds at it, stayed in bed for hours at a time to keep warm and eventually it got better. I really hate those 48 hour viruses. I didn't have it long enough to go to the doctor's and I got over it pretty quickly fortunately but it has left me feeling like something shook me and left me in a weakened state. It was our 44th wedding anniversary on Friday and I had planned to take Ray a chinese omelette and some ice cream as a treat and that did not eventuate. So I stayed home feeling sorry for myself and I guess Ray was oblivious to what was happening as he no longer registers days, dates and times. I really miss the Ray of old, the quietly spoken man who could still make conversation and tell jokes up until a couple of years ago. This has been such a long journey with so many changes over the years. Now they seem to be accelerating. Ray has gone down so much in the past three months or so. I just hope that he will regain some of what he has lost when the weather cheers up and we can go back to sitting out in the courtyard again. At the moment he is sitting in one of those large overstuffed armchairs on wheels as he is too weak to hold his head up. They are the devil to negotiate around the pathways outside so I hope he can go back to an ordinary wheelchair soon. I keep hoping that this will not be permanent, I know I should be optimistic but it is hard to be so looking at him as he was today. To fill in time I have been reading again. I have a stack of Readers Digest condensed non-fiction books mainly biographies and find a lot of them inspiring. Reading about how a paraplegic made something of his life, or people with terrible burns who work through the pain, or even mothers caught in events beyond their control and fighting on for the sake of their children really makes me see that by comparison my troubles are small and insignificant. I often wonder what the key to living a good life is. Is it everything going well and us floating through life without any cares? Or is it coming up to the adversities in life and overcoming them? I hear of people who react to adversity with a "woe is me" attitude and know that is one way of dealing with the problems you face in life, others remain cheerful while bravely battling against the odds in life and do not see their problems as insurmountable. What makes us one kind of person or another? Why do some see mud and some see stars? I wonder if a bad attitude can actually worsen a situation? My next door neighbour asked me over to share dinner with him tonight. He is a good cook and the "Coq au vin" was wonderful. Ray and I used to go over about twice a year to dinner but I hadn't been invited since Ray has been in care. He usually asked us over when he had something on his mind and tonight it was the worsening condition of his ex-partner, mother of his daughter. It is a difficult one as he can hardly interfere as he has a new partner, she has a new partner etc, but his daughter comes to him for advice. We discussed a lot of options and he said he would sort something out. I guess that is the best way to deal with this situation. He too is dealing with elderly parents both now somewhat fragile but again at a distance. No wonder they call us the "sandwich generation" caught as we are between caring for children and grandchildren in my case, and also caring for, or supervisiong the ongoing care in a nursing home situation of an elderly parent. There is no textbook written for our generation so we are all "winging it" with mixed results. Mum had a fall on Thursday, I didn't get any details just that they had patched her up and she is okay. I'll go see her tomorrow. If she has black eyes etc I will ask for a more detailed explanation so we can all learn something from this. It is hard as although she needs a lifter she is still liable to move awkwardly, flail her arms around for instance, and I don't know at one stage whether they dropped her or she wriggled out of their grasp. Can't make a judgement call without further information. Another one of my home communion people died last week. I can't go to the funeral as his body is being taken back to the country town in which he grew up for burial. I will contact his wife, express my condolences and let her know I will visit her soon. There is a lot of anticipatory sadness when you are involve with older people. I think I can handle it for now but if it becomes too much I will say so and bow out of that ministry. I love working with the young and the old in church but both have their stressful side and I need to avoid taking on extra stress. Looking back it was a week I am glad is now over. Maybe I will spend as much time as I can this week watching the Olympics and look to that to inspire me. Sue.

Christine, I think you have done very well. That first year after the stroke is the hardest and now you are well on the recovery trail and by the sound of things have found some of the things you can still do and are doing them well. I think getting both hands involved in driving for instance is a real achievement. On the workfront it looks as if you are putting your newly recovered abilities into the new jobs and using the stroke experience too. I am glad you are not afraid to say "I have had a stroke" as I know a lot of people do try to hide it fearing people with think less of them because of it. Thank you for your update, just keep on blogging, keeping us updated. An online diary is so good for seeing how far you have come on the stroke journey. Sue.

Cat, at the end of the day I look forward to tomorrow, to do whatever it was I was going to do today and didn't manage to achieve, to have the opportunity to do those loving deeds, say those loving words to people I didn't encounter today. We all have such good intentions. If tomorrow does not come so be it. Yesterday is gone too but the memory lingers on in many hearts. Sue.

Fred, spot on as always. Life goes on. We might have set-backs and things happen to us that we resent or cannot handle for a while but eventually we get a handle on life again and on we go. Have a good trip and come back refreshed. Sue.

Babs, we need those blogs on the positive things in life, of lives that are moving forward and showing good mental and physical recovery of the caregiver as well as the stroke survivor. I'm glad you came back here to give us an update and I always enjoy the chats we have. Love to you and Eddie. Sue.

Dyan, he is young and the therapy sounds good, hopefully he will respond well to it. Best for Cayden is your love for him. Bless you for all that you do for him and for the rest of your family. Sue.

Sounds so good Lenny, I love remembering all the good times. Love a beach BBQ too. Sue.

I think this is a hard decision to make. I have been home alone since my husband has been in the nursing home and I hated the loneliness at first, I still do to a certain extent as it is winter here, short, wet, miserable days and long nights. But I can also see the advantgae of being alone, choosing when to eat, what to eat, when to go to bed. Rising I don't have a choice about as I have to spend a lot of time in the nursing home with my husband to look after him as staff have little time for one-on-one care. I know a lot of families just want their loved ones to get back to normal and when they think that has happened they just go on ignoring anything that doesn't fit that picture. You need to find a group of pleasant acquaintances to share your thoughts with and hoepfully gets some hugs too. (((hugs))) from Sue.

If I was a singer I would sing a sad song. The bogged down in winter blues. Yes, it is still raining, wet, cold and miserable and Ray has had pneumonia since early last week so I have been spending five or six hours a day at his bedside and I am tired. There I've vented so maybe I will feel better soon. I also have sinusitus so I guess that is making me less able to cope too. Ugh, I hate winter, please, please, please roll on summer. I went to three funerals last week. The second and third were old parishioners, at the same home as Ray for the last segment of their lives. They might have been old but they were well-loved too and we will all miss them. It is strange that people are never visited while at a nursing home but the hordes come to the funeral and say how wonderful Granny or Aunty Betty was, how much they loved her, how much they will miss her etc. I don't think it is hypercritical I think it is true they loved her, just felt uneasy visiting her in a nursing home with other old folks dying around her. I had a quieter week than the week before when I had my visitor. I really missed someone else being in the house and having the incentive to go out somewhere every day. I missed the talks in the evening and waking up to have breakfast with someone to chat to. I guess once more it emphasised the loneliness of the life I lead now. I am sure I will feel better when the days are longer and drier and I can get out into the garden without the water sqeezing out of the ground and making my shoes wet and soggy. Whoops, more moaning. My lovely neighbour who has the little dog Tina is moving back to Sydney. Sydney is where the work is and the better money so as she has a twelve month contract with one of the bigger clubs to improve their training courses she said she might as well move there and save herself the travelling. It has been hard for her with the rain etc commuting when she has been getting home well after dark and still having to walk the dog, get herself an evening meal etc. We have become good friends so I hope she'll feel free to come on by when she is up on the coast. With Ray in bed for the last five days I have missed the company of the others we usually sit with. Sitting in a four bed room with a curtain halfway around the bed is a pretty bleak situation. I know I seemed to do that most of last winter as Ray was in hospital from June till September so I feel as if I was repeating that experience again. Not the way I want to feel at all. And you all know the sound of that deep seated hacking cough and how that makes you feel. I just want Ray to get better, get stronger and WANT to get out of bed. I know it is comforting to snuggled down under the covers as the rain drifts down outside the window but the old rule still applies - move it or lose it and he has already lost so much movement. I have been crochetting for lack of something better to do, working on a small rug in shades of pink for Alice to go in her cot. She is growing, now in 0000 and 000 clothes, she looks cute in pink. My facebook buddies have seen far too many photos of Alice but as yet no-one has made an adverse comment. All grandparents think their grandkids are the cutest things and so we tolerate the photos, the comments about their cuteness, the besotted captions on photos. In summer I will hopefully put on photos of my flowers and herb garden instead. Or maybe the occasional beachscape if my luck holds and there is some beach weather. I've been reading everyone's "summer heat" blogs and know that I will be posting something similar around January 2013. If you have a long hot summer we have a long hot summer. I will be going swimming in a friend's pool, I have warned her already. She is in her mid-eighties and has been feeling the cold this year and hasn't been at as many church events as usual. It is true as we get older there seems less and less point in leaving a warm house for a draughty church hall but then the socialization is what that is all about anyway. I am not really depressed, just have rain depression, when the rain goes the depression does too. I know how the walls here can seem to be closing in on me some weeks. Hopefully five or six more weeks of winter and then a warmer spring sun to warm the bones and give us a brighter outlook on life. I've been watching old movies to pass the time and like to think that helps. The philosphy in some of the story lines can be quite enlightening. One of my favourites is "Hope Floats", a story of putting hard times behind you. I agree, when I look around at what others are going through then I can see my life in some kind of perspective. I need to keep in mind that many have more to deal with than I do and I need to be grateful for what I have instead of moaning about what I don't have. And slowly but surely I need to more forward into a brighter future.

Fred, I think we all rail against the randomness of death sometimes. We feel out of control when another massacre happens, when people are killed by negligence, or deliberate sabotage. Really it is an outcry against sin versus goodness, the goodness we feel we have a right to see reflected in community values. I have had friends killed in seemingly senseless ways and we have all known good people taken from life, a life which they were making better for everyone. I think all of this is an acceptance issue, an acceptance by us that we don't control our own lives, that there is a randomness that does not recognise goodness,respond to good, or reward our efforts. I think we need , as Christians, to pray more and bring bring our compassion to the wounds and injuries fo others. I know you do that Fred at Fort Hood and I do it in my small way in the corridors of the nursing home. Sometimes that seems such a small effort and we want to do more but we are frail human beings and confronting evil alone is not something we can do. Bless you Fred for what you do try to do to heal some of those hurt around you. Sue.

I agree, that you will be able to come up with a balance in time. As Asha says now it is time to go with the flow, so fit in what you can, overlook what you do not have to do, find small jobs to fill in the down times. I found with Ray that his not wanting to go out was my chance to do something on the long list I had of jobs that needed doing around the house. If not this job, then that, or that, or that, there always will be plenty of choices. It's always pleasing to cross something off the " to do" list. I don't see Bruce's attitude changing in the near future, but maybe when the heat and humidity is gone and the cooler weather comes he will have more energy. It's a pity that period is so brief. Make the most of it. Sue.

The horseplay gve him the balance he needed. Well done Cayden, well done Mum and family too for encouraging him to do it. Sue.

sometimes if you save them in draft and then publish them they come out on the date you first started them...gremlins eh? Sue.

Ray has "events" which the nurses sometimes say are TIAs and sometimes seizures, I think they are seizures. With the seizures sometimes he is semi-conscious, pale and sweaty, like the ones he had yesterday, sometimes mute and rigid, and sometimes writhes around. Ray is on Epilim for seizures, I think you have it as Depakote. He has a high dose as even with it the seizures still continue but at less frequent intervals. I think there is a test for seizures where they look at brain waves, Ray's were diagnosed when he had some in the hospital so don't know what tests they used. Ray can also have hypos from high sugar, and shaky episodes ( can't sit upright etc) with Urinary Tract infections so if in doubt I ask for that to be tested for also. To get any kind of diagnosis is costly in terms of time and money but is worth it if it will give you peace of mind. Sue.

Most governments give with one hand and take with the other. Sue.

Today I went to the funeral of the man who almost turned 100. He would have been 100 on 9th October, he died on 15th July. How close was that? I went because he and his wife have been part of the "beer garden group" and we have been friends and supporters for as long as Ray has been at the nursing home. Not long in terms of nearly 100 years of living but a friend in need is a friend indeed. Three of us wives of residents went to the funeral and then back to the nursing home. We were all a little downcast as one is after a funeral and so we laughed a little too shrilly trying to pick up our spirits again and one of the other families in the courtyard said: "Come on Mother, we will take you inside, it is far too noisy out here." I guess they didn't know what had happened, only being new to having someone in care, so they could not feel the pain we were trying to overcome. So often we judge others without having any idea of what they are going through. It was BBQ day today. Ray cannot eat the sausage and the coleslaw and onions but I can give Ray fries if I pinch off the "heads and tails" and just give him the soft middles. He ate his pureed food and then had the top and tailed fries. Then the icecreams came around and I beheaded one and gave him that with a fork as no spoons had appeared. The nursing home is very short staffed this week due to staff being off with some of the viruses going around and so we were all doing what we could to make do with what was there. No sense in making waves when it is really nobody's fault. Ray had a bad day yesterday, two seizures, one just after breakfast and another before lunch, I was just in time to see the second one. I hate seeing him looking like a decked fish, pale, sweaty and with his tongue hanging out. Gives me that scared feeling. I know that when he is shallow breathing it could be serious. I realise he is sometimes quite ill and needs a lot of nursing care, it is, after all, why he is in a nursing home. But he looks so vulnerable and I know that it wouldn't take much for him to lose his life. There is only seconds between one breath and the last. I want him to live, but I don't want him to live in pain or in a vegetative state. The nurses have got bringing him out of the seizures down pat now and once he was conscious I sat him up so I could get him to take in some fluids that I fed him off a spoon, after that I was able to feed him some lunch. After lunch I could see he was very tired and laid him down again to sleep off the effects of the seizures. Bed rest does help and the nurses reported he was able to eat most of his evening meal. I have another funeral to go to on Friday, again an old friend, this time from church originally although she also has been in the same nursing home as Ray. Winter is a time of funerals, nothing much I can do about that. I only go to those where I think I might be a comfort to someone. In some cases the families are self-sufficient and that is fine, in others they are not and the bereaved can often be left vulnerable. I know in the case of the family of the person whose funeral I attended today they will rally round, at least for a while. I just got a call to ask if I will babysit my local three grandchildrne tomorrow night for a couple of hours. I don't see why not as I have not seen them for a few weeks. It will not be a problem to keep them busy for a couple of hours, especially if that includes food....lol. This is my son who works in the funeral business, I asked one of the workers where he was today and he said "driving the hearse around the place", I guess that just meant he was busy. I was glad Ray was able to be out in the sun again today. He looked okay though he did actually fall sleep out in the sun in his wheelchair straight after lunch. The other women patted him on the shoulder as they wheeled their husbands back to their rooms. I guess they were feeling vulnerable too after burying someone they had become close to. It is good to have support, particularly from people who do understand, and if that develops into friendship that is an added bonus. I might sound upbeat most of the time but I do have my blue days, my days of doubts and tears. I try to bounce back as quickly as I can. I find it easier when we can be out the sun again, sunlight is a great mood lifter. I forgive myself when I have those blue days .I am mostly optomistic, but we are all vulnerable and I am just human.

Just a reminder to those who read this that while there is a lull in the frantic activity which the curveballs of life set in our paths there is an opportunity to visit here and enjoy a few days of R & R. I am not exactly a B & B but I do enjoy a visit from friends and that little interchange of ideas in conversation that reminds us we are all joined to the human race. I have had a busy couple of weeks. The first week of the school holidays I spent down with Shirley and family. It rained a good deal but we fitted in a lot of activities. I came home and that night picked up a friend from the past, Vicky whose family we were very friendly with when we lived in Narrandera. We have renewed and strengthened our friendship through contact on Facebook. Vicky came up from Deniliquin by train for a winter beachside holiday. She has been on the beach most days, walking, picking up shells, just enjoying the sunshine and the sea air. Yes, we did have sunshine! We went around the junk shops and the antique shops as she and her Mum collect old glass and ceramics and we picked up a few things there. I just dropped her off at the station for her twelve hour trip home. I hope she feels the break away from everyday life has helped her destress and relax and refresh her spirit. We all need that. I have just hit the "friendship funeral" time of the year. I have been blessed in Ray's stay in the nursing home with the friendship of a few of the other visiting wives and now have two funerals to attend this week. I guess it is inevitable that each journey will end. I will try not to get morbid but to look at each one as a fond farewell of someone whose life has briefly touched mine. Ray is well, he had a slight accident on Saturday but only a bruised arm to show for it. Mum is also stable and sleeping on and off as usual. I have made the visits brief for the past week with Vicky here but will spend more time with them until the next "break" comes along. Ray likes to spend some time with me just sitting quietly now, I haven't quite got to the time of knitting while I am with him but as conversation fades I will maybe take in the local newspaper to read to him again or find some other activitiy to keep us busy. I'd like to do more with him but I don't think he has the energy or the brainpower now to do much. Those seizures have taken a toll on him. For now I just have to get through the rest of winter. The respite we have enjoyed with the sunny days is not fooling me into thinking winter is over, I know it will be back soon. The garden needs an update and the potplants could do with some attention and there is all the usual house and yard work to do, so plenty to keep me busy. At least the days are lengthening out slowly now and I feel as if some of the blackness that winter brings with it is lessening. Winter does give me that "locked in" feeling when it is windy and wet. I have been tired the last few days but I think it is just the extra activity that having a guest in the house brings. It has certainly been nice to wake up in the morning knowing there is someone else in the house to talk to, to do things with, to be a companion and provide conversation and new ideas. I have been quite lonely since Ray has been firstly in hospital and then in care and I know that is the way things are going to be. So a break with some company has given my spirits a lift too. I would like to get a pet, preferrably a cat but wonder if it is time for that now when I seem to have so much else on my mind. One thing Vicky has inspired me to do is grow more in my garden, she and her Mum have always had a magnificent garden. They live in a semi desert area which can be both hot in summer and cold (frosty) in winter but have managed to create gardens with sheltered spots, sunny spots and microclimates that allow them to grow both temperate and some exotic fruit and vegetables. Both have become almost self-sufficient in providing fruit, vegetable and eggs which they swap with each other and their neighbours. It is food we all need to grow rather than depend on supermarkets to provide it for us. Fresh vegetables particularly are such an important part of our diet. And we don't know how long the foods we buy in the shops have been stored for until they get into the buyers area, do we? I have certainly altered my diet since Ray has been in care and I am only cooking for myself to include more fruit and vegetables and less meat. I am on a low fat, dairy free diet due to inherited health problems. I never thought I would turn into a fussy eater but prefer to diet restrict rather than to take medication. I have seen what taking medication has done to Ray with every organ lessened in efficiency due to medication so I will remain medication free for as long as I am sensibly able to. So I will clean, tidy and rearrange the house again and hope another unexpected guest will brighten my life.

Dyan, you have so much love in your heart for Cayden and i am sure that is what will get you through. I know this is a hard diagnosis to take in but here I know there are special schools and a lot of support for parents so go out and seee what you can find in the way of support to help you through. Your Cayden is special, he is a fighter and will be somehow manage to get what he needs out of life, never fear. Sue.

Lydi, congratulations to Garion and to you for being his mentor in this way. Sounds as if you are settling into a new pattern of life. I hope there are happier days ahead for you.

Lyn, so good to hear you got away from your mundane life for a while. Vacation time is the best! Congratulations on your 40th anniversary - good some people are constant and true to each other. For Ray and I it will be 44 years end of July. I just had a mid-winter break down with my daughter and family, just as cold as here but the company was good and it was great to catch up with our two grandchildren there. Keep on getting out as much as you can, the variety of life and the interest it creates in us who are curious by nature is priceless. Sue.

Only in winter Will...lol. Jamie, yes, Dad's blunders never get old. Sue.

I just got back from a very pleasant visit with my daughter and her family. It was the first week of the two week winter holidays so the weather was cold, sometimes wet and sometimes windy but who cares when you are with the people you love? I was able to spend some time with my two grandchildren, Chris (12) and Naomi (8), join in their games and sit down and enjoy watching them do those things that kids love to do like Nintendo, Wii games etc. I always feel guilty the first couple of days as I feel as if I am leaving Mum and Ray behind, silly I know as I took breaks with Ray when I had Mum with us and put Ray into care the last couple of years for a week's respite while I took a break. Maybe that feeling of guilt never goes away, just gets easier to handle? I was also tired too as it is a six hour train trip all told.But it is the right thing to do, grandchildren grow and it is important to spend time with them, keep up with their doings etc. And if it can no longer be Pa Ray and me that visits then it had better be just me. I am partly unpacked, have nibbled my way through something like dinner and am typing this while listening for the phone to ring. I have a guest coming for a week, she is catching a train, or several of them and will arrive at our nearest staion about 10.30pm tonight after being on her journey since early this morning. I am looking forward to our week together. She is a little older than our daughter but has had bouts of ill health since her early twenties so will be unlikely to want too busy a time so it will just be a pleasant stay and not too much fuss. I will still be able to fit in visits to Mum and Ray but probably they will be for less time than usual. I hope chat went well on the Tuesday evening I was away. I am confident in the other hosts, Sally and Sarah, and know that I am welcome there whenever I want to be there, but my hosting is no longer essential for the chats to go on. That is a nice feeling. I was always told "A good leader trains leaders" and I think a good chat host trains other chat hosts so there will always be someone here to faciltate the chats and keep the traditions of chat going. I know the support supplied so willingly by that group has kept me going and I would love to see other caregivers find that same support by becoming a part of that caregiver chat online support group. I caught up with some of the caregivers in Shirley's Salvation Army Corps that I have spent time with on previous visits. Two of them are dealing with husbands who are close to having to go into a sheltered facility and two are just at the stage where their husband really can't be left alone any more. I do what I can to encourage them and it is good that we can have some laughs together. I love the Sallie ladies as they are so kind and good and dedicated to the task of helping others and not selfish in any way. Like us all though they tend to be so busy being good to others that my daughter sometimes reminds them to look after their own welfare too. Sound familiar? They had the P55 group lunch while I was there with 65 "over 55's" attending and the following day a large gathering of "Home League" ladies with a few husbands along for the lunch, so there were two opportunities to catch up with lovely people I have met in Shirley's two and a half year stint with the Shell Harbour Corps. The craft ladies had excelled themselves with some of the table decorations and all the ladies received lovely hand crafted bookmarks as thank you gifts. It is those small touches that mean so much. On Saturday we went as a family to a small tourist village called Berry, and a berry good day out it was. Craig loves Antique shops, Shirley and I love Craft shops and the sweet and toy shops were magnets to the two grandchildren.It wasn't warm but it was a blue sky day and we walked and walked and walked. It was the kind of day Ray and I once would have enjoyed together. I miss him so much when I go alone on that kind of day out that once would have been our pleasure to do together. I was a good girl and didn't buy anything, well just a small present for each grandchild. It was a lovely time for us to spend together. Yesterday (Sunday) was a busy day of course , as Ministers Shirley and Craig do three services and the kids and I were there for all three. Probably explains why I was snoring my head off watching television at 8pm, eh? I loved the Salvation Army band playing, the hand clapping and foot stomping for one of the livelier hymns,followed by a friendly morning tea a contrast to the earlier solemn Prayer Meeting. For the evening Youth event, as most of the youth were away a mostly adult group enjoyed some of the adventures of "Mr Bean". Now slapstick isn't for everyone but even one young lady who said she never enjoyed "that sort of thing" was caught laughing at a ridiculous short film about how a kid can outsmart you on a diving board. I always enjoy my stay, it is a pity they are so far away and I only go a couple of weeks each year, but it is better than nothing. Children grow so quickly and the time I spend with my grandchildren is precious.

Ray is only in a nursing home because I too couldn't get the care I was promised. It is such a shame as with 15 hours for his health care and three to six hours respite for me we could have managed. I am sorry it has been so long a journey for it to end this way. But I haven''t heard the weight challenged lady sing yet so maybe...? Sue.

Ruth you do well to take on two full time jobs. Being a caregiver is not easy for any of us. You will get there in the end with William at your side. We will be your cheer squad and support you on the journey. Sue.

I didn't think earlier in the year that she would make it but Mum turned 94 today. So today I didn't go to my usual 9.30am church service. I know that Mum is better, more alert and better focussed in the morning so went to see her at that time instead. One of the diversional therapists met me in the lobby, he told me Mum was in the Dining Room. Apparently the Lifestyle Lounge was full and the Boronia Lounge doors still not fixed. I am glad he told me as I would never have looked for her there. Mum looked asleep when I went in, not deeply asleep, just having one of the many little snoozes she has through the day. I just sat by her and held her hand and watched a movie while she slept. She does hold onto my hand and she opened her eyes a few times and I managed to give her her "morning tea" so I was happy with the visit .At times like this I try not to even think of the past and all the good times, previous birthday parties etc. It is counter productive and depressing and I am not going there if I can help it. I try to keep the visits on a one day at a time basis and enjoy the moment. I went from there to see Ray as usual and spent some time in the courtyard, then took him to lunch in the dining room and then we were watching an old movie in the lounge room. Ray was alert and did actually reply to a couple of remarks the other carers made. One of our fellow "beer garden" inhabitees was 72 today and his wife had brought in muffins which we shared before lunch. It is good to have that fellowship.This man is a bit resentful of his wife putting him into care, but he, like Ray, can neither weight bear or walk so she really has no choice. He was pleased however that most of his children had been in to visit him for his birthday. We had the usual discussion about those who do not bother to visit as one of their sons had said he was too busy. The wife said she had warned the son that unless he shaped up she was going to change the will to include the children who came to see their father and exclude those who did not. I know and probably he knows that it is just a threat but I do take her point that those who care, come in despite the hardship this sometimes causes, are more the kind of adult she had hoped to raise her children to be. One of the other women said she feels the same about her two older children and made some pretty unflattering comments about them. I try not to do that, make negative comments about my children. At one time Ray and I lived ten hours drive from my Mum and Dad and my sister and her family lived even farther away. My parents "adopted" a family from their church to make up for the family contact they missed and that turned out badly. It is difficult to know how to balance relationships and work, lifestyle and leisure and we all do our best. It is not good though in my opinion to forsake family and friends in the meantime. We all need that family contact. I'm glad we moved back here in the mid-80's and were able to resume a good relationship with my parents. Sadly Ray's parents died younger and we could never get those times back. Sadly this also affected Ray's relationship with his brothers and sisters and we do not have them in our lives any more. The exception is the wife of his older brother who is very good at keeping in touch with us. I went to 6pm chiurch and as it was the first Sunday of the month it was followed by a soup and damper supper. It is just a small group so it was nice to sit down and fellowship with them. One couple are Trevor's next door neighbours and so we all heard about how Edie had taken baby Alice over to see them and how thrilled they were with the visit. I am glad Trev and Edie are blessed with such good neighbours. Another couple were celebrating their 57th wedding anniversary, these two lovley people at one time ran a youth group that our daughter Shirley attended so I always pass on news from her family too. It is good despite a district population of 350,000 we can still find old friends wherever we go. Shirley and family are over the flu so I am going down there for a few days as the children are home from school for the winter school holidays and it is an opportunity to catch up with them. I will miss out on a few things locally and will miss seeing Mum and Ray but I leave telephone numbers that the staff can reach me at and hope that helps. Both Mum and Ray are healthy at the moment, I know that can change fast but hope that it doesn't. If anything happens I can be home in just under four hours anyway. I will enjoy the break. I get tired when there has been a few busy weeks and I think the wind, rain and short winter days have made it more difficult to fit in all I want to do. In winter I find it harder to remain upbeat. I have read a lot of posts about depression both here and on other sites and am glad I am not really depressed, just sad mostly at what is happening to Mum and to Ray as they deteriorate. Ray had a bad turn, possibly a continuing seizure, on Tuesday night and spent Wednesday in bed, then had another small seizure while I was there on Thursday. He came out of that one okay. Life is just what happens day by day. I don't know why we assume we can control it or even sometimes why we think there is a master plan. Looking around me I see others in the nursing homes visiting their families uncomplainingly. Their lives go on, as ours do, mostly uneventfully and they manage to stay positive so I will try to do the same. .