swilkinson

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  1. swilkinson
    What will I be when I grow up? I would ask that question of myself when I was 15. Now I ask myself: What will I be when the fog lifts and I am able to see clearly again? At 65 I hope to still have a few good years ahead of me. My Mum was 82 when my Dad died in January 2000 and never got close to being over his death. She was in complete denial for all the years she still retained her memory. She died last November at 94 from the Alzheimers that had been part of her journey for at least the previous 18 years. My story will be different to hers I know. I am younger, stronger and hopefully still have a good brain. But it is easier sometimes to slip into denial than to go forward alone.
     
    This week has been a song in a minor key, nothing much happening, mainly routine. It was a short week of course with Easter Monday a holiday here. I found plenty to do as usual. There is always housework, yard work and the garden. There were visits to the hospital bearing nightdresses I had washed for Mum's friend Robbie, she is in week six of her hospital stay and hopes the specialist will make a decision she can go home maybe at the end of this coming week. She left for a week's holiday in February ansd is still here in April.
     
    Having Robbie to talk to about Mum has helped me a lot. It is hard to set life straight on your own, you do need people to bounce ideas off and she has provided that for me in my grieving over Mum's death. I can now look at Mum's picture and smile. I try to remember a good memory about her every day. I try to see her life prior to Alzheimers as a good life. I know like us all she had her ups and downs, illness, heartache, worries and cares but she and Dad had a lot of laughs and fun together. I know she was proud of me, she only told me so once or twice but I value those memories.
     
    I didn't see my three grandkids last week since our day together last Sunday. However on Monday I did spend the afternoon with Trev and family. We had spicy BBQ'd chicken wings sitting out on their back lawn near the pool. It felt just like when they used to live close by. I also visited this Saturday after I had been to the WAGS meeting and played with Alice, she is so cute. Ray would have adored her as I do. On the way home I go around the roundabout that I used to turn down to go visit Ray in the nursing home. Sometimes I can keep from crying, ofter I can't. I wish I could take Alice to see her "Pa" and place her in Ray's arms. It is such an intense longing that it causes me pain. I know I should go out the other way but it draws me like a magnet. It is so sad.
     
    I hope that as I stabilise I can fill my life with worthwhile occupations and renew my mind and refresh my soul. In the meantime it is one foot in front of the other - at least a forward movement! I was asked to co-ordinate a group for Grandparents as Parents but with weekly meetings and a lot of research to do that is a fairly big workload. I declined as that is not my area of expertise. I really need to work on what I want to do, what I need to do, what I would have to do to achieve what I want to do. If anything. Sometimes it is better to wait and see what life has to offer instead of pre-empting it.
     
    I did reconnect with a cousin ( well fourth cousin) who was looking for pieces of her family tree she seems to have lost after a computer crash last year. I know that feeling. It is bad when you haven't backed up files, photos and other precious memories and that blank screen shows up and it is all lost. I was able to help her a bit but my family tree has never really come together so I need to work on that at some stage too. I hope to do some clarifying when I go to England later in the year. I should be able to quiz some older cousins and see if I can add stories to names and faces
     
    One of my friends suggested that I should take up volunteering again but I want to be stable first.I had thought of volunteering in Mum's Nursing Home as I know the staff and a lot of the residents there. But I want to be stable emotionally, no sense in getting upset when I am supposed to be looking after other people is there? It isn't just other people who wish I was "over it" I am starting to feel that way too, impatient with myself.
     
    A Buddhist friend said I must try to practise self-forgiveness. He thinks some of what I am feeling is "survivor guilt". I think some of it is still the self-blame, did I do all the right things? Then there is the after midnight wondering: did I do all that I could have possibly done? I just miss Ray and in my less conscious moments wish I could somehow resume a life that still has him in it. I know that is a foolish thought but the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is a daunting one. How do you come to grips with that? It is so permanent.
  2. swilkinson
    It has been a much better Easter than I thought it would be. In your first year of widowhood you go through so many "firsts". First time you have had a birthday since he died, first Christmas alone,then all the kids and grandkids birthdays when you send a card signed just "Mum" or "Granma". Then the first wedding anniversary, or is that unanniversary, or post-anniversary, maybe there isn't a name for that am-I-still married or ??? anniversary, that sacred rememberance of the day you both said: "I do". Then there is the first time you go on holiday without him, meet up with friends without him etc. Or worse the guilt of the first time you go to a place you had planned to go together but never did.
     
    Some of these events apply to me, some don't. For instance as Ray was in a nursing home for twelve months prior to his death I had already done some of the first here-I-am-alone events. I had had to go to weddings, christenings, funerals etc alone. I had sent cards signed "love from Ray and Sue" when really they were only from me. I had wept at home alone on my birthday, our anniversary and early Christmas and New Year's mornings. BUT I knew I would see Ray later in the day - I could tell him my news even if I knew he would maybe not understand it and certainly would not respond to it. I was alone but I was still married and had been for 44 years.
     
    I was not looking forward to Easter. There it loomed a four day break, only the church services planned and at holiday times even those are not part of the normal routine but special events with little or no congregation in the usual sense. A lot of people who don't usually go to church do make an effort for Easter so the composition of the congregation is differnt and sometimes even the way the services are done. It has never worried me before but this year I wanted the familiarity to fall back on. I didn't want things to be different.I had to keep telling myself that change was inevitable and I just had to stay on the road to acceptance and all would be well.
     
    Last week my refrigerator started to make funny noises. I had thought it was getting louder,rattling more, staying on longer but now it would not switch itself off and screamed after being on for an hour. So I was operating it manually, one hour on one hour off, trying to get past Good Friday to Easter Saturday when the shops would be open once more. It is a big decision for me, well all decisions seem big since the strokes actually. I wanted to go buy one alone and I did. Looking at it now I probably downsized too much but it at least will be lighter on power than our old sqaure looking 380 litre. But how we will cope with a full family weekend I do not know. Not to worry I can hire a spare maybe. That is the way of decision-making now with me doubting if I have done the right thing, got the right quote, looked around enough before I made a purchase. Self-confidence, where are you?
     
    Sunday, as with Friday was a different experience to the usual. I knew I was looking after three of my grandchildren so as soon as they were dropped here off we all went to chuch. It was a chaotic family service, kids dressed in all kinds of first century look-alike clothes acting the play that the deacon read out, Tori as a Roman soldier, Alex and Oliver as villagers, the Sunday shool teachers in long smocks taking the oils and herbs to the "tomb". As a reward the littlies got to participate in an Easter egg hunt and then morning tea of hot cross buns. I had expected to go home and make a simple lunch but there was a message from Trevor that he was coming over with his wife and two children and they brought lunch so it did turn into a happy family time. MUCH better day than the previous two days.
     
    And today it was quiet this morning, which was a good thing as I was a bit tired anyway and then after lunch an invitation to go to Trev's for a dinner of BBQed spicy chicken wings. It was lovely late in the afternoon sitting betwen the pool and the house watching Trevor cooking. I played with Alice for a while, lovely smiley little thing that she is, had talks with Edie and with Trevor and a game with Lucas, well I watched as he explained the computer game. The meal itself reminded me of when they lived two doors over and the five of us then, Ray still here but no small Alice, would sit and eat spicy chicken wings and laugh together. It was a nice meal with good company and a good ending to the four days of Easter.
     
    I am still going to the local hospital and talking to Mum's friend and that seems to be relieving the pain of Mum's death. R* is there for at least another four weeks after a fall when she broke her femur up near the hip and cracked four ribs. The talking about Mum in good times and bad has helped me accept her death so I am feeling much better about that now. I am able to face that Mum was old and her body and mind were both worn out and it was time for her to go. I do miss her and will miss her for a long time but I would never want her back. I know I will always miss her in another way, I will miss who she was to me as my Mum and the sharer of so many memories and now I know what being a Grrandmother means I will also miss her as the great-grandmother to my grandchildren.
     
    It is useless at this stage to worry about what might have been though I find myself doing that too. I wish I had done this or that for Ray or Mum, I wonder if I had done that rather than this would it have made any difference? I am hoping one day I can put it all to rest. In my heart I know I did the best I knew how, but at 3am sometimes my brain does not accept that. I need to find a way of overcoming that. It is hard to be alone and not have anyone to tell about what I am thinking. I wish.... you all know what I wish.
     
    I know the grief counselling I have been going to has helped me a lot. It has helped me to put life into some kind of perspective. I am not an unintelligent woman, I can work things out by myself but my mind has been clouded by the two bereavements and I have been too many times around the roundabout without knowing which exit to take. I need some new direction, I know I cannot stay still and expect my life issues to resolve. I have to make an effort to renew my life. I have faith and I have a good attitude so I will eventually be able to move on.
  3. swilkinson

    unrealistic dreams

    By swilkinson,

    I hate having those dreams where you wake up and the dream still continues. I had a nap yesterday afternoon, something woke me and I struggled out of sleep, looked at the clock and it said 5.15pm. I immediately thought: “I'd better get up and start preparing dinner, Ray will be home soon.” Home from where? Work?How stupid! Ray last drove in early April 1999.
     
    I started crying, I guess that there is a part of me that longs for the past, not just to remember those good memories but to actually step back in time and relive that time, maybe appreciate more the tiny moments of joy I felt back then. I don't know if it is part of healing but it is a bittersweet experience, that longing for some time that will never come again.
     
    I think we all have echoes of the same love story, whether we are survivors, caregivers or like me a widow and former caregiver. It is the story of love, loss and getting back on with life, finding a “new normal”. I never even heard that phrase before Ray had strokes! I just thought normal was what happened to each of us every day, I took life for granted. Silly me!
     
    I have been filling my days though mostly they fill themselves. A phone call can mean minding the grandbabies, calling in to see a friend, a hospital visit. I guess this is Asha's flow I am going with. The best invitations are to lunch or dinner or a meet-up with a friend for coffee. Last night I went to Trev and Edie's and played with Alice and Lucas. Alice is almost walking and did walk a few steps while I was there, Edie missed it but I am sure she will witness it soon.
     
    I can tell the colder weather is coming. The days seem to be as bright as ever but the nights seem darker. We have a build up of heat, one lovely hot day and then a thunderstorm. I hate those crash bang storms with little or no rain as they do not clear the air as the ones with rain do. I know we go off daylight saving soon and then the days will be shorter too. I am trying to mentally prepare for that and for the winter ahead.
     
    If I am at a loose end there is the garden to tend, housework, reading, chatting on the phone, coming on to the computer. I tried the new chat today while MC was doing newbie chat and it was quite good. It will take a bit of figuring out but as soon as MC puts up a “how to chat” post why not get on and fiddle with it until you can figure it out. Just chatting can make such a difference to my day. And if you can't find a friend...hmmm...no ending to that sentence because with so many friendly people on here of course you can find a friend.
     
    I have just been reading on another site the question was: are we angry about what is happening to us? I think for me the answer is sometimes yes, but not often. I have never found being angry a benefit. I am sad, confused, lonely, sometimes anxious about the future and what I am doing now and how that will influence the future. But I have had a HUGE life changing experience so there is bound to be anger in the mix. I am only human.
     
    It is true that bad things happen to good people, that good people make mistakes that are life changing. But bringing anger into it is like playing the “blame game” one that begins “if only you would this...then that (good outcome) would happen”. I do the same when I go on a guilt trip, which we all do, thinking: "if only I had made Ray (this) then the strokes etc would not have happened and we would be happily caravanning around Australia now." Of course I know it is totally unrealistic but I do it anyway.
     
    We all live in a land of broken dreams, we are all unrealistic in our thoughts sometimes. We are all doing our best. Bless us all.
  4. swilkinson

    the third draft

    By swilkinson,

    I have finally ( I think) found a more peaceful place. I went to the old support group at Mum's nursing home and spoke about beng a widow and did not cry. I think that is progress. I think going to the grief counselling has really helped. I can now articulate what I feel and not get choked up. It was good to experience that today. One dear lady whose husband died about the same time as Ray still sits with a handkerchief to her face and cries for the hour. She is older and is lost without him. Her family want her to sell her house and move closer to them and she is so sad about that, but feels she has to do what they want her to in order to get their support.
     
    I am finding it easier to take whatever invitations come my way so I have had a few meals out lately, mainly lunches out with other widows of which there are plenty in my church. This has given me the means of forming a new friendship base. I don't think it is a sign that my life is improving so much as it is a sign I am getting stronger, more able to cope. I am crying less and less things seem to trigger the tears now thank goodness.
     
    I think the grief counselling is helping me to sort my life out more easily also. I can "see" something plainer when someone else puts it into words for me. On my own it is very easy for me to get stuck on one particular item and not move on. And I think this stage of my grief is about slowly edging forward. The direction is still hazy. I know there are still many things I would like to do. I should maybe write a list, put it somewhere safe and look at it in six months time when I might be strong enough to start setting goals.
     
    I am starting to claim back my place in the house. Ray left from here in June 2011 to go into hospital, came home for a day in August 2011, fell down, I called the ambulance and after a lengthy examination he was taken back into hospital and some weeks later transferred into a nursing home. He died on 19th September 2012. That means I have been on my own here coming up for two years in June so it is not just six months ago as it would have been had he been home here when he died. I still miss Ray terribly but I am not so wishing for our life together to continue, certainly not the way it was in the last few months of his life.
     
    It is hard to make changes. I go shopping for new curtains and come back empty handed. I do not really want to make changes, this is "our home". It is the house that Ray built onto three times. Our children were not raised here as we were away in the country for 10 1/2 years but this is the house we extended to fit in three teenagers. This is the place they went from when they got married. It is special to me. The furniture was adapted to suit Ray, so he could come home in a wheelchair. The furniture was moved to accommodate the wheelchair so I guess I could decide whether I want to make some changes to the way things are arranged. But basically I love this place which was home to Ray and Sue and the kids.
     
    Some days I still feel sad, abandoned and bereft, that is inevitable. I know life as I had known it for more than 44 years ended when Ray died. But some days I feel more energised than I have for a while and that is a good thing. I just have to try and look for the positives in life. I have to somehow make sense of those 44 years, remember the good times, downplay the bad times. I need to get some perspective on what being "Sue alone" means. I have become a member of a site for widow and widowers and that is helping. I know that when I feel..... that is normal at this stage of my bereavement. It has taken a while to get to this point though.
     
    It was six months yesterday since Ray died, four months today since Mum died. I have only just come to the realisation, six months out, that the past cannot dictate the future. I cannot live in the past, it is gone. I love my husband and always will but to sit here saying I cannot do a thing because Ray would not like it is ludicrous. If I don't do it and do say it is because I don't want to then that is more honest and I need to say that.
     
    There are some great people on here and I will be staying for a while longer but one day it will be time to move on. As you all know I love the Blog Community and have learned so much from you all. Sometimes I need to read through the blog a few times to see all it has to offer. I love Asha's blog and the blogs of the caregivers who meet in chat and have become such a big part of my world. I really wish I knew how to let everyone know what a wonderful relief it is to chat to someone who REALLY understands what you are talking about and yes, can tell them all the facts, pleasant and gross, without them leaving the room.
     
    You are all a part of the best site on the web, no false modesty needed, Strokenet rocks! It has helped me so much to make sense of my world pre-stroke, during the stroke journey and now that that journey is completed. It is good that others can have imput into our lives, that strengthens us. But ultimately we have to live it out ourselves and that can be lonely.
  5. swilkinson
    I have just had two different days. The special ingredient was I got to mind my grandchildren over night on Monday and Tuesday night from 3pm – 7am so I had to concertina everything else up and keep that time free. With three children aged 11, 6 and 5, I need to make sure I can concentrate on them 100%. Tori is good and does oversee the two little boys but she has just come from a tiring day at school so I make sure it is me that does the real work and let her rest awhile.
     
    It was the grief counselling appointment on Monday my fourth appointment and as I am now ready for it it always surprises me that what we talk about is nothing I planned. This week's big issue was the death of my father. In December 1999 I had Mum and Dad with me, put them in for some respite so I could get through Christmas. Dad had a fall in the shower at the nursing home/hostel and shattered his left side and died five days later. I did the wrong thing and took Mum back home thinking I could comfort her. I did the funeral planning, arranged the catering, even read the eulogy. It was traumatic for all of us and I never had time to mourn Dad's death as I still had Mum and Ray to look after. In a way that is adding to my grieving now so I am glad we are working on that at last.
     
    I think the counselling is removing some of the roadblocks I had erected in my life, I had erected barriers for good reason, it is one of the ways caregivers cope, to say “yes” to this, and “no” to that, to limit what has to be done rather than do everything the world expects us to do. Now as a widow I need to dismantle some of those barriers and return to where I would have been if none of this had happened. I am a single person now and I need to act the way a single person acts. Or as close as I can get to being that way.
     
    Back to the grandchilden. On Monday they were dropped off here and we had an outside afternoon. I have a trampoline and a swing out in the backyard, a sandpit on the front verandah and various ride-on toys so there is plenty to do. The little ones love to water the plants too so little watering cans make good water play. Tori has an iPod and bops to her own music, sits out in the sun and enjoys being here, The little boys are fascinated with the building which will become the house next door which is now to the framing stage. At least some of us enjoyed the banging, sawing and other noises made by tradesmen coming from the site.
     
    After dinner it is a children's video or DVD. Always a bit of a fight about that and threats about straight to bed before they decide on one. Then hopefully after that it is bath and bed. I let Tori watch another DVD if there is time as she is so much older. Of course sometimes the little boys think that is very unfair! It is probably more of a weekend style bedtime but I just hope they cope with school the next day. I know: "Naughty Granma."
     
    My DIL had to work a couple of afternoon shifts as they were switching calls to another centre and taking down the computer where she works. This spoilt her babysitting arrangements and that is why I had the children. It was good for me as it got me out of my routine and showed me a wider world as kids always do open our eyes to what we take for granted and what is important in their lives. And I am glad to be able to help her from time to time.
     
    Yesterday I had the church Friendship Club in the morning, I am a pick-up person, only one passenger this week and then it was coffee and refreshments in a park overlooking the lake at The Entrance. On a very nice autumn day it was lovely to sit outside and there was good conversation and relaxing company. These are all people in their 80s and 90s, only a couple of them still driving and up to 12 of us and a good two hours of chat and companionship. I was glad when I was asked to join the group as one of the drivers as it is an extension of my nurturing role.
     
    That afternoon I drove over and picked up my grandchildren, then stopped at a local Lagoon and silly me! told them not to go in too deep! Of course I finished off stripping the little boys down to their underwear and they splashed happily and were then joined by another little boy who goes to their school also over for a sleepover with his grandmother and of course then I stayed a couple of hours. It was a good afternoon and I guess tired us all out as they were reluctant to get out of bed this morning.
     
    I have been better at sleeping the last couple of weeks and I am pleased about that. It is almost six months since Ray died, four since Mum died and I think I am getting back to my real self. I am starting to make life decisions again. Actually forced to as my refrigerator is rattling, one of the light fittings is blinking on and off and the track on my garage door has disintegrated. Lots of expenses and lots of decisions to make. I will handle it, I have to now. The grief counsellor said I need to look at all of this as something I am doing for myself. I think that is good advice.
     
    I was sick most of last week, my old complaint bronchitis come early this year. Probably getting wet and cold the week before at the Robertson Show did not help. I didn't go to the doctor, just used a stockpile of over the counter medication that will fix the milder cases. Leave the antibiotics for winter when I really need them. If I can do it without all the better.
     
    The grief counsellor asked me to start looking to the future now. I haven't been able to do much of that while I was a caregiver but I need to now. It is hard to see what I could do that will bring my life back into balance but I will give it some thought. I am going to have to change and accept my single status. It is my “new normal”.
     
    I had a phone call from my daughter tonight. My grandson finally got his cast off (after nine weeks!) and the wire pin in his arm removed. Took two trips to the hospital to do it so exhausting for the family. Shirley said she took the day off today and even had an afternoon nap! She works so hard and I was glad she took time to relax. I need to learn how to do that too now.
  6. swilkinson
    I wonder why I think if I just sit down and talk to "someone" all will be well and I will sort things out and things will be different? I had planned to talk to my daughter about the difficulties I am going through with processing my grief, the loneliness, the frustrations etc but we never seemed to have the time to just sit down and do it. A Salvation Army officer is constantly on call and as soon as she'd sit down with a cup of coffee and a free couple of hours the phone would ring and she was off on a call, or consulting some other service to give a helping hand to someone.
     
    It didn't help that there was a mini cyclone in the early hours 20 minutes drive away on the first Sunday I was there. There were 28 homes wrecked, 28 families made homeless plus two blocks of rental flats damaged as well. Her Corps was on standby for a day to help out at the evacuation centre but local people filled in the needed duties and she stayed home. She did have to do two welfare calls in the area. A young Mum with a couple of kids called for assistance and another family called who had moved into temporary accommodation in a trailer park and had no food. I admire how much she does, she works very hard to be that "angel of mercy" some people think of the Salvation Army Officers as being.
     
    I've just returned from ten days at my daughter's place, ten days of rain! So far both January and February have had above normal rainfalls and March is shaping up nicely. No need to say I took my swimsuit and it never got wet? After all this was supposed to be a summer holiday! I could have danced around the front lawn in the rain in it, if I had stayed longer I probably would have, just for the exercise. I did a couple of walks alongside the Lake in sunny periods on a couple of days so did do some walking.
     
    Long rainy days are bad enough when you are at home and can just put your feet up and relax and watch no-brainer movies and eat popcorn in your armchair but in someone else's house that is difficult - thank goodness for reading, that is how I occupied my time while the rest of the household were busy with their daily chores. I had some time with my grandchildren, talked to my son-in-law, went to various places with Shirley. I loved Mini Music with Mums and toddlers happily dancing around the Hall to various songs much loved by the under-fives and yes, I still remember how to make Incy Wincy Spider climb up the Water Spout. Without the cheerful company I enjoyed I know that so many days of rain with just my own company would have driven me mad.
     
    For the sake of Aussies who are enjoying a warmer summer than we are I will mention that my daughter took me to the Robertson Show last Saturday. It was about 23 degrees (70) when we left Shirley's to drive up over the Escarpment and when we arrived the other side the temp was 11 degrees (50). Let's say we were underdressed for that kind of weather and hussled in and out of buildings as much as we could and stayed for a couple of hours but in the end decided it was just too cold and wet. The light rain then turned to sleet as we ran back to the car, parked away out in the paddock and the car's heater remained on high until we all stopped shivering. That is what Shirley described as an adventure!
     
    I'll now settled back into routine and see where life leads me. I know of events coming up in the church and various other organisations I belong to that I will be able to join in. There will be periods of busyness and periods of solitude. I am getting more used to being alone now. I don't fret about it as much as I did six months ago. I don't know that I will ever like living as a widow but I might learn to tolerate it. Of course I got back to some bills to be paid but hey! everyone does that, don't they?
     
    Summer may linger after the rain finally goes away or it may just be that temperatiures stay at their current lower-than-normal level. I hope there are still some sunny days ahead to enjoy some walking and even maybe another opportunity to get my swimsuit wet.
  7. swilkinson

    a new lesson to learn

    By swilkinson,

    One thing you need to know about me. I never really left home, I just transferred from one home to another, from my parents home to where Ray lived, from there to our own home. I never lived on my own. I lived with Mum and Dad and my sister, then she got married a few months before me. Then there was the excitement as I planned my wedding, a short honeymoon and then it was Ray and I building our life together. I know many others of my generation did that too, of course not all of them stayed married for 44 years.Now somehow I feel as if because of that I missed something in life.
     
    I went to the grief consellor this morning. I vowed to not cry all the way through this time and managed to hold off tears until towards the end. She is very good, just summarises what I have said, gently moving me on as much as she can. It is hard enough to be there as it is so I am glad she is not the "do this, do that" type, or the type that just sits there in silence. I do need some guidelines and some homework. Something to think about and something to act on.
     
    I think I learned a lot at today's session, she thinks I am rebuilding my life slowly, thinking about what I am doing, not rushing things, allowing myself to grieve etc. She is right, I know there is such a thing as grief work and that is the head space I am in now. I am trying to be less emotional and more intentional in what I do.
     
    But she also saw a big deficit in my life, I do not have the ability to care for myself. I have spent most of my life caring for others. I was the older sibling so it was "go take care of your sister". Then it was get a job and as a general rousabout in a large office it was taking care of all the little things, then marriage and taking care of Ray and the kids. And then, just as the last child, Trevor, was 15 and able to look out for himself, Ray had the first stroke.
     
    So I transferreed from looking after the kids to looking after Ray. Working was part of that, getting some extra training then getting a job so if Ray did have another stroke he could be home and I could work or we could both work part-time. I had it all planned out. The Chaplaincy and then Parish Assistant job was my indulgence. I dropped back to part -time, three days a week to give three days a week to the Parish for nothing. I know some people are shaking their heads here but I did enjoy the work and saw some transformations happen because of it, so I was well content.
     
    Then in 1999 along came strokes number two and three, our retirement, me looking after Ray for 13 years, his soujourn in the nursing home for twelve months and then his death in September 2012. Thump! Down to earth I came and fast. I still had Mum slowly dying in her nursing home to supervise. Mum died in November 2012. A second blow struck me down but not out. Almost brought me to a dead stop but no, I must go on, I have to plan Christmas for the children and grandchildren, must keep moving, must plan, must do. Are we noticing a pattern here?
     
    Then January came along as it does, summertime and nothing much to do. With nothing to do I was a mess and so I decided I needed outside help, some counselling from someone who could see the big picture instead of the tiny picture I could see. And now I am into February and slowly rebuilding my life. Or I would do if I knew how.
     
    But wait, I don't feel up to this, I have no "go to" person, no plans, no goals, no idea about where to start. I have that feeling of reeling out of control...help me. But: "No" say the grief conunsellor," you do have to do this by yourself. Only you can decide what is right for you. Others can give advice but it might not be right for you. You will have to make the choices, decide what it right for you." But I don't know how...so I cry..I feel so helpless. She looks at me kindly and says: "that is your homework, to find out what is right for you."
     
    Wow. Drums going bang, cymbals clanging...that feeling that I am tied to the stake and the African tribe armed with spears is starting up a war dance...yes, fear of failure looms out of the gloom. Panicking will do nothing at this stage. "Take your time": she says. No rush to find a solution but it has to come from me, out of my own heart, out of my own need. But without the self-knowledge that the confident teens of our time have. We weren't encouraged to have that sort of knowledge, we were educated enough to get by, enough to get a job, enough to raise a family but not enough to get too self-confident. In my parents day self-confidence was frowned on and they passed that onto me.
     
    Skip this paragraph if you are not religious. I was taught that true JOY came in the form: "Jesus, Others, Yourself" so we put others waaaay ahead of ourselves. I was not a princess I was a servant girl and serving others was my lot in life. I don't know if that actually was the message but it was the message as I read it. Don't put yourself forward, look after others and be content with what you have.If I heard that once I heard it 100 times, I know because my mother often told me she was telling me for the 100th time!
     
    Who was important in my family? My sister because she had been sick as a child and my parents because they were working hard to make a good life for us. Having come from England with next to nothing as migrants they had to work hard to make us a home and provide us with all we needed. And in my opinion they did a good job of that. Okay they were not perefect but they did have our best interests at heart and they did make a decent life for us. My sister sees things differently to me, she is from the next generation, the one that wanted more out of life, sometimes even more than they actually deserved.
     
    So here I am at another crossroads, learning another way of looking at things, from my point of view. I have to learn what it is I want before I can set goals and achieve it. No-one is going to do that but me. This goes directly against everything I was taught. So keep me in your prayers, I need all the help I can get.
  8. swilkinson
    Sometimes when I am down in the dumps I examine my hurt and pain and say:"no-one truly understands" which makes me shudder when I realise how many platitudes I have used on others during their time of grief. Honestly I had lost close friends and older relatives but I never realised how different it was to lose a spouse. In my role as a Chaplain or counsellor others had come to me looking for some comfort and I hope that is what they went away with. I doubt that my "expertise" was sufficient to even glimpse the depth what they were going through though.
     
    I have been a telephone counsellor, a volunteer Chaplain and though my work in the church someone people turn to in times of trouble. I have done my best to help people see the way ahead more clearly and reassure them of their worth, and in some cases help them find a new purpose. I don't think any of that is special, all you need is an ability to relate to others, to put youself in the same position. What I do think is special is making yourself available to people in their times of trouble and for that I am thankful for this site and others like it that provide us with an opportunity to have others share in our journey. Even now in my grief I am glad for the Strokenet extended family that gives me such support..
     
    I do understand that some of the comments I leave on the forums or blogs may be unhelpful, not because I don't want to help but simply because I am not in a position to do so. I lived for many years with a stroke survivor, my dear husband Ray, but that does not mean I am able to even imagine what it is like to day after day live in a body with limited capabilities. We all look for help when we are vulnerable and in need and in some hurtful cases yes,we fail people. People have told me I'll never know what they are going through etc and I know they are right. Of course I do not know what they are going through. But I do want to reach out and comfort them in some way, as much as I know how.
     
    I can't say that having been a counsellor helps my own pain. I know all the theory but how do you apply that to your own hurt? Of course I still mourn the loss of my husband Ray in September and my Mum in November, it is hard to lose those you have loved deeply and for a lifetime, and I guess that the pain of that loss will remain for however long it takes me to work through it. I can't do anything else but go through the pain and hopefully I'll come out into the sunshine again.In the meantime it is one day at a time.
     
    I have been reading a book by Henri Nouwen on Christian Leadership and he points out how helpless we are in the face of another's trouble. We try to get along side them, to give gentle advice and to show understanding but in the end all the one in trouble needs may be a hand on the shoulder or a reassuring presence. Words are never enough.Our greatest need is a sense of belonging, all other needs pale into insignificance beside that.To join a community like the one we find here can have a restorative effect as we once more regain a sense of belonging.
     
    I guess that is why support groups are so vital and that unconditional love we feel when people really listen to us. That is why coming to a place like Strokenet for a lot of people is the beginning of healing and why I am still here. I still need that love and support that is offered by a support group like this. I may no longer be a caregiver but the strokes that affected Ray's and my life still have a hold over me. The way Ray died was a result of the strokes and so that shadow is still here, I may be an ex-caregiver but I will never forget those years and the effect they have had on my life.
     
    Next Monday I go to the second grief counselling session. I moslty cried through the first session, I hope not to do that next time. I want to remain in my head and ask some of the questions that are on my mind, like what steps I need to take to find myself moving forward. I realise that that is probably the wrong question and comes out of my feelingds that I do not like being out of control and that is why I feel so uncomfortable now. We all feel out of control after a crisis or a trauma and losing your husband or wife in most circumstances is a trauma. So maybe I just have to accept being out of control for a while is my "new normal" and not ask too many questions because I am not going to like it if there are no answers.
     
    All of us live with that sense of hopelessness and powerlessness in the way that stroke intrudes on our comfortable lives. We have made plans and they have now come to nothing but life deals us many a blow and somehow we learn to live with the consequences. We all do a bit of tamtrum throwing when that happens. Of course we all say: "why me?" as I sometimes do now. In my selfish way I want this painful time to be over and for me to get to the "happy ever after" stage of my life. But given my past record that is not going to happen. I am not sure there is a "happy ever after" in my future.
     
    Instead, as usual, I will have to commit to acceptance, of where I am, where I am going and where I will finish up. And enjoy the journey and the view along the way.I will get through it as bravely as I can, remembering to smile and "fake it till you make it".
  9. swilkinson
    I spent some time yesterday looking through documents and old photos looking for my marriage certificate that seems to have gone missing. I shed a few tears as I saw pictures from different parts of our lives. I don't wish Ray back, not with that last year of his life being so hard, but I do wish him with me in a good way, with all his kind ways and family values.
     
    It is hard to say: "It is just me from now on". I know that is a fact, however much my family might say: "We love you Mum" most of their time is taken up with their own lives and the things they have to do and thinking about me results in a once a week phone call to see I am okay. That is hardly keeping an eye on me and making sure things are okay as they promised. A hundred different things can go wrong in a week. But they do have a right to have their own life, just as I have had mine.
     
    I was feeling so "why me?" by the end of the day. I sat at the computer and cried as I read about so much heart-ache on a widowed site and thought of all I have lost. But that is not the point is it? Because if we mourn for the past all the time we miss the present and fail to build for the future. We can all mourn what we have lost and as survivors and caregivers that occupies the majority of our time for a while at the beginning and then in a lot of places along the way. But we are missing something that is never coming back, just as I was sitting here last night. Those good times are never coming back!!!!
     
    In a section of the Bible in the book Ecclesiastes the writes says (in my version) "Do not ask: "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions." I do take that to heart. It is not wise for me to cling to the past, highlighting the good times and longing to be back there again. I have to go on from where I am and rebuild my life. I don't want to, but I have to.
     
    Because people mostly leave this site after they are bereaved and no longer a caregiver there is not a lot of "how to" information on here. That is why I am also on a widowed site as well. I don't want to leave here yet as my good friends of many years (since May 2005) are here and I hate to stop reading daily of their doings and being here for them but I do know that as I move forward I will leave a lot of how I felt as a caregiver behind me. So commenting on what others write will require a lot of self-examinating and after a while I might find that uncomfortable.
     
    I have been greatly helped by the wisdom of a lot of people on here that draws on that "wisdom born of pain", I have watched on as people went from acute pain, through trials and tribulations to a feeling of acceptance, of being able to do what has to be done, both caregivers and survivors as I have read the blogs week by week. One advantage of being the Blog Moderator is that you read the blogs deeply, think of something appropriate to the situation and the writer to reply and watch as others add their comments. It is a week's work on a daily basis every week to do that and an hour or more to do the report.
     
    I followed Asha as the Blog Moderator and was always impressed by the job she did in summarising what people have written. It is true you cannot tell what a blog is about by it's title or by the few lines you see as a "teaser" you have to read the blog, think about it and read it again. In some cases you have to go back and read a few blogs before this one to see what has been happening in the writer's life that has brought them to this point. It its important to know what they are writing about and why. My present blogs are on a widow theme but they might also answer questions another writer has raised
     
    Nancy (nancyl) is using her ipad so she writes blogs instead of adding comments as her ipad will not allow her to do that but her blog also contains a lot of personal comment too. Fred (fking) writes about the state of the nation, issues he is passionate about and also includes personal stuff. Like a book you can't tell a blog by the first paragraph. If you need to follow a certain blog you can get a message sent to your email address when that blog is updated. I know a couple of my friends have made that happen so they get a message when I have published a new blog. That is good to do even when you think you have retired from commenting on the blogs , to still do some reading. It keeps you in touch.
     
    People always ask why people leave this site. Some people come for a while, find their needs fulfilled and their questions answered and go again. It is the way it is. Some stay for a while, join the chat group, pass on some of the wisdom they have learned and help others come to an acceptance of their situation. That is good. We all need those people who we can turn to in a crisis knowing they are rock soliid and will do their best to help. Some become part of the support framework here, officially as staff members or unofficially as regular commenters. Those who have appreciated the help they have been given are happier to pass on that help to others.
     
    As a long time blogger I often look back, usually on what was happening at the same time of the year in the years gone by. Sometimes I have forgetten certain incidents in Ray's and my life and am surprised at what I read, sometimes it brings back an old hurt and I ask once again: "Why me?". It is good to have an online journal to have been able to use it in the way I have, to sort things out. It makes life more real, more a progress of events and takes the sting out of the hurts of the past. For to have peace of mind we all have to forgive.
     
    So memories are bittersweet, they fade with the passing of time and yet hold valuable lessons we have learned along the way. We all have a story to tell and we all need to express that in some ways. I do that through this blog. I don't know what the future holds but in some ways I am preparing for that too.
  10. swilkinson
    Tonight we are supposed to get gale force winds so if I am late posting a blog report it might just be that the power is off. Flooding all down the east coast. the result of an ex-tropical cyclone that is still hugging the coastline means many coastal towns in Queensland are flooded and some deaths and people missing. It is now moving slowly down the coast towards us and there should be, by midnight, gusts of up to 140 miles an hour, doesn't that sound like fun? I can't do much here, just pray the roof doesn't come off or the carport blow down.
     
    The block next door is still a problem and more of the bank on my side has eroded. The owner should have built a retaining wall well past my carport but didn't want to yet. If it goes and my carport with it I hope my insurance company is ready to fight the good fight on my behalf. I hate the thought of confrontation but it seems that is the way of the world, no thought of what might happen so no preparations for disaster.
     
    Yesterday I was back in harness at church. I did the three sermon day, 8am service, 9.30am service and 6pm service. It makes for a long day. I do it every three months though our minister would like me to get to once a month when I am up to it. I was very nervous at 8am but the sermon seemed to go okay, they laughed in the right places and looked solemn when they should have. A couple of people came up afterwards and thanked me. The 9.30am service is my home crowd so I wasn't s nervous as I knew they would think kindly of me. I wasn't prepared for my reaction at 6pm when I realised two of the couples had known Ray as a young man. I only just managed to get through that one.
     
    People at church were glad I was back doing what they expect me to do. Our young minister said he knows it will be hard to start off with but he is sure I will get back into the swing of things but to take my time and back off if I need to. I was hoping he would say that as I know some of the "firsts" are going to be difficult, all the firsts when we would have involved Ray, Mother's Day, family birthdays, Father's Day etc. I am prepared to have some emotional ups and downs.
     
    I felt better when I had finished and better still when one of my friends from times past came and said to me: "We all go through it, the clue is to balance out the bad times by looking back to the good times and thanking God for those memories." I guess he is right and that is what I need to do, try and maintain a balanced view of our life.
     
    I still feel pretty lost, I go to do something and think: "No, I do not want to do that, doing that reminds me of when..." so I am still looking at loss. I am honestly trying not to now. I shake myself and say: " that is just plain silly" but that only works part of the time. So my life is still full of "no go" areas.
     
    My family must have all been busy this weekend, my older son away with his kids, poor things they will have to battle their way home for four hours of driving through wind and rain. Trevor is still recovering from his operation and goes off the painkillers tonight as tomorrow he starts back at work, driving his truck to the western suburbs of Sydney and back doing pick-ups and drop-offs on the way. Shirley and Craig are probably getting ready with their Emergency Services Van as the Savation Army are always in the forefront if there is a disaster of any kind. They will be under instruction from Head Office when to expect the call and where they have to go.
     
    I have had too much time on my hands and have been sitting here remembering what I have lost. I need to start a happy thread: "Three good things that happened to me today" so I am reminded that life can still be good. I do have a lunch invitation for Tuesday and if the cyclone has not hit town by then I will go and enjoy myself. There is also a picnic on Thursday with another group I go to but if we have the predicted flooding rains I think that might be called off. Never mind, life will go on anyway.
  11. swilkinson
    So far, for the past four months since Ray died I have felt like Jelly Woman. The strong woman I was seemed to have dissolved with all the tears I cried and it seemed as if I would never be the same again. I have cried part of every day since the 19th September. I just couldn't focus, could not find that peaceful centre that is such a part of me. I have boasted on here that I am like a bubble in a glass of champagne and nothing keeps me down, well I haven't felt like that for four months.
     
    Some of you know already what it is like to be a widower or a widow as you have already buried a spouse, some of you have been seperated or divorced so you know how lonely living alone is after you have had a companion for many years. Some of you are already living alone with your dear one in a nursing home or care facility. It is one of the things I have loved so much about Strokenet, that there is always someone on here who understands, no matter what the problem is. You are all the most beautiful people I have met, genuine and honest and always ready to lend a shoulder to cry on and a bunch of virtual handkerchiefs to dry my eyes.
     
    Last night I went to my daughter-in-law Pam's place and together we took the three children out to dinner at Hungry Jack's, a subsidiary of Burger King, which is very popular as it has a playground for the two little boys so we went there. The boys are so energetic and they can run that off climbing and sliding and having fun.The local one had the playground locked off so we went a bit further afield. We had our usual fun and they all hugged me when I left. With no-one here to hug me I surely do appreciate those hugs.
     
    Today started off with me having no plans. I was just on the computer when the phone rang, it was Trevor saying the tubes left in his nose after last Friday's operation were moving and he had rung the ENT specialist's office to report that and he needed to go to the hospital where the specialist was holding a clinic so he could see what was happening but as he had just taken oxycodine, a quick acting pain killer he couldn't drive. Edie was busy and they had a tradesman coming so could I come quickly.
     
    Funny how when your child calls, no matter how old they are, that "Mom" instict kicks in and you are changing clothes, finding keys and in that car before you know it. The good news was that after a 30 minute wait he was taken into the clinic and the specialist decided as the tubes were loose it meant the inflammation was subsiding and it was safe to take the tubes out. Trev was delighted, no tubes, a cleared nose and his specialist said it was all healing nicely. All is well that ends well.
     
    We went back to Trev's for some lunch. I hadn't seen Alice since Christmas so it was lovely to catch up with her smiliness. I think she was surprised when Granma stepped into her playpen but she was soon patting my face and pulling my hair. She has her first tooth at seven months, is making sounds that sound something like words and is bumping backwards and reaching out with those long elastic arms kids of that age have. She was also rubbing her eyes so Edie put her down for a nap.
     
    We spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool. I got dragged under a few times by Lucas who decided it was Drown Granma Day. It is tougher to stand firm now than it was when his Dad and Uncle were teens and I did two out of three throws as a challenge for who did the washing up but I was 25 years younger then. We always played boisterous games so I understand Lucas wanting to do the same and for another week Trev needs to let his nose heal so I was the dummy today.
     
    And you know what? Today I felt like a Mum and a Granma and a useful person, not just a widow. And I think that is a good thing.
  12. swilkinson
    I don't know whether you believe in global warming but I certainly did on Friday when the day was from early morning one of overpowering heat and there was no way to get cool. I just stayed still most of the afternoon and tried to survive. So many people put their air con on that we finished up with blackouts all over the area and we didn't have power here for two hours. Poor Trevor got caught up in that, he was in the operating theatre about 3pm having an operation on his nose and throat when the power went off there. Thank goodness they had generators they could use as auxillary power and the operation was concluded successfully.
     
    You may have seen that Australia has been in the grip of bush fires and has had record breaking temperatures for over a week inland. Everybody of course sympathises with our inland folk but secretly enjoys the added comforts of living near the big cities. We here on the Coast who rarely finish the day without a cooling sea breeze really suffered on Friday, sweltering in heat more than 110 degrees. That would be normal for the inland and when we lived in Narrandera we always had some days that hot in our summers and sometimes a week over 100 degrees before a cool change arrived. But here on the coast we ALWAYS have cool nights except on some occassional overly hot days as Friday was.Now we can empathise instead of sympathise!
     
    So a cooler weekend, gentle drizzle when we could really do with heavier rain but at least it has cooled our days down and made sleeping easier at night. I used to toss and turn all night when we lived inland and the days were hot and the nights not much cooler. Only exhaustion meant every few days we did sleep, otherwise our bodies would have just shut down I think. We didn't have air conditioning there either just one of those old fashioned water cooled fan driven coolers, so up every couple of hours to feed more water into it so it didn't burn out. Luckily we were so much younger then.
     
    So I shopped on Saturday instead of Friday.I have learned the significance of getting together with other widows now. I go out to lunch after Sunday service with a group of widows, not every week but whenever I can. Saturday I went to the shops and joined a couple of widows from the church for coffee and spent over an hour chatting, they apparently are there every Saturday morning around 11am so asked me to join them whenever I am able to. Today I went out after church to lunch with the widows and by the time I came home I was ready for a nanny nap. I didn't have ironing to do, the floors looked reasonable, no dishes to wash, so a sleep was permissible.
     
    I still feel as if I should be doing something every hour of the day. When I sit down for a while I jump up again thinking that I am somehow neglecting a vital task. All of this is left over from the years of caregiving, the years of working every daylight hour supervising and serving others. Now I simply can't get my head around the fact that it is OVER. So I need to learn to live life in a different way. I need to replace my old life with a new normal.
     
    Another widow I bumped into told me she was going back to water aerobics soon and asked if I would like to come and try it out so I may do that too. I met her in the days when I used to take Ray to the pool for exercises and would speak to several ladies from the group as they warmed up in the heated pool before going into the big pool to do the aerobics class. She has always stopped me and asked me about Ray, was sad when he died and has been waiting to see if I would like to join her in the class when they start back in February. So I might just do that, no good saying I want to do new things and then being shy about starting.
     
    My nephew was to have open heart surgery on Monday but that has been postponed, no explanation or new date for the operation as yet. I postponed my trip down south to visit my daughter and her family because of Trev's operation and Bill's so I hope if I make a new date to go down to Shirley's that they don't clash again. Family is important and sometimes it is hard to choose between two events and prioritise the needs of various family members. I wanted to spend some time with my grandson Christopher before he goes up to high school and I love to spend time with my grand daughter Naomi doing craft and all the other things she loves to do.
     
    Caring is what a mother does, what an aunt does, caring to me expresses what it means to be family.
  13. swilkinson

    got the blahs again

    By swilkinson,

    I think I am making some kind of progress but the basic loneliness of widowhood gets to me. It is okay when you are on your way out to somewhere but the coming home means coming home to emptiness, with no-one to share your experiences with. Trev and Edie have been moving house for the past week or so and so haven't seen them, Steve I don't hear from much and Shirley and co have enough worries. Sometimes I feel like a left behind Teddy Bear, once much loved but sitting on the shelf for now.
     
    The weather has been crazy, record high temperatures and humidity then an overcast day or two and today the rain has come at last so maybe we will feel as if the world is a fresher place tomorrow. I am glad with the coming of the rain the fire fighters have help to put out the bush fires, at least those close to the coast. I guess there is a chance the lightning strikes will start others so thunderstorms with rain is always a risk. Pity all those farmers who have lost flocks of sheep, those who have lost grazing land and all those people in Tasmania who have lost houses. Plus all the others whose lives have been rearranged by all loss of infrastructure.
     
    I went to the Messy Church picnic, only had six kids and fourteen adults but we enjoyed walking on the beach, picking up shells, and just enjoying being in a beautiful place for the afternoon. We had a picnic under the stone pines and had just about finished when the rain came so that was good timing. I did Sunday school this morning but as only one little chap turned up for it he and I coloured in, made a dove out of a paper plate, and then retired to play with building blocks. Did both of us good and we got praised by the congregation as we were as quiet as mice. The powers of the Granma clan...lol.
     
    I didn't stop for lunch with the after church group of ladies, I just didn't feel like it. I did talk to one of the other ladies in the car park though. She expressed what I am feeling. She related to me how she had nursed her husband with cancer. Then when he died two years ago she said: "I asked the minister: 'What am I supposed to do now?' but he didn't have an answer." In the end she had decided to go wherever people were, she got involved in a morning tea group in a civilian widows group, took up tennis again and a few different hobbies. When she is sick of the sound of silence she goes to a spot near a lake where there are families always around the playgrounds and sits there and reads for a while.
     
    She asked me if I thought she had done the right thing? I said if it was right for her that is what counts. She has made a kind of life for herself. Her family are not close by and she sees each of her daughters once or twice a year and as their families have grown up her grandchildren even less frequently. She says they got out of the habit of visiting when her husband got cranky with the noise the teenagers of one daughter were making and after that they visited less frequently. So sad isn't it that we caregivers can devote ourselves to our partners and risk losing our adult children in the process?
     
    I am beginning to see the years of caregiving now as a parade of events, some good, some bad. I have read back in the blogs I've written here and of course they only provide a selection of thoughts on what was happening any any given time but it is an insight into some of what I was thinking and feeling back then. I should make a copy of them and put them somewhere safe I suppose in case I do ever get around to writing something on what happened to me as a caregiver.Thanks for all who have commented over the years, so much support, so much encouragement and advice. I am so grateful to you all. Funny how good I am at giving advice to others and yet so poor at implementing it for my own beneft.
     
    Of course there has been the drama of Shirley's son Christopher and the broken elbow all week too. He broke it falling off a bunk at the holiday cottage they have out west. They took him to the small local hospital but the doctors there said he should see a specialist, they just put on a light plaster to protect the arm. So Monday down an hour and a half's drive to Canberra and there they met an orthopedic specialist who operated on the arm the following day. Christopher, accompanied by his father,had an overnight hospital stay and then they went back to the cottage. They will have to stay on as Christopher has to have another set of xrays next week and another appointment to see the specialist. What a disruption to their holiday! That is what happens in families, isn't it?
     
    I was going down the south coast to their normal house for a few days at the end of next week but of course they may not be back there so that is on hold for now. The plans we have don't always come to fruition. The clue is not to get frustrated but simply to mark time and see how things pan out. I seem to have been doing that all my life.
  14. swilkinson

    Bad bushfire season

    By swilkinson,

    The weather is fine and sunny, the beaches are crowded with holiday makers and family parties and heaps of kids as it is school holidays. But further inland our brave fire fighters, 70% of them volunteers, are fighting to save houses and property from bush fires in western New South Wales, Victoria and Tasmania. It was a scorcher today up to 110 degrees here on the coast, unheard of by most people and scary with those hot winds and tinder dry bush all around us. And further inland it was even hotter, and not a rain cloud in sight to give us hope of cooler weather. Which reminds me of last year's posts by Fred (fking) on his Texan summer.
     
    Down in southern Tasmania, a place where it snows in winter, a small town was almost wiped out by fires. It is so sad to see, via our TV screens, someone going back to the pile of twisted metal and smoldering wood that was once their home, pitiful to see an older man cry as he looks at the crumbling fire blown ash that was once his small retail business. It is all very well for the politicians and the insurance companies to say "they can rebuild" but what of the emotional damage to people, the lost pets, the irreplacable memories, the forsaken neighbourhoods as neighbours give up the fight and move rather than rebuild. You can never rebuild a small community back the way it was.
     
    I spent today visiting two old friends, one a lady now fading after a vigourous life, the other my age and after two years a widow finally setting off on adventures. She is flying off to join her son in San Diego next week for a two week vacation. It is the first time she has flown so far away from her home near me, her first visit to the United States and like most women she was wondering what to pack, what to wear, how she would find her way around. But she was excited! She said she will keep in touch and let me know how she is doing. Can't wait until she does. Two women very dear to me, both good supporters in times of trouble - God's blessings to me.
     
    I also had two different visits from two old friends on Saturday, people that I hadn't see for a while, one two years, one for 35 years! It is so good to have friends and acquaintances, especially now I am on my own. I need people who have know me since...school...work...marriage...pregnancy and the birth of three children...middle age and retirement...all different people from different parts of my life. I need them and somehow I manage to drag some of them through life with me...hanging on tight when times get tough. No, some of them didn't appear through the bad years and are only just getting back in touch now. It is so sad they couldn't have been here but some people do not cope through the tough times, yours or their own. I used to think that mattered, now I don't.
     
    Last Friday my grandson Christopher fell off the top bunk bed where they are staying for their two week vacation and broke his elbow, today he was operated on in a hospital in Canberra and the elbow has been pinned back in place the way it should be. He is in hospital for one night and then hopefully he will be having a six week period of healing and be back to normal. He is a philosophical young man and will cope. It will be a dull summer, no swimming, no going to the beach etc but he will cope with that too. I am proud of the way he goes through life, he is a credit to his parents. But then I am a doting grandmother and somewhat prejudiced.
     
    I've had a few meltdowns the past week, the 2nd of January was the anniversary of my Dad's death and that was not a good day. I had some problems with the car, another reminder I have to do things for myself now and I have to take it for repairs tomorrow. The interrnet provider changed my plan and I don't know what to do about that. I got some bills which were a lot higher than I thought they would be. Those are the kinds of things we all deal with every day but another reminder that all problems are my problem now. An old proverb says: A trouble shared is a trouble halved, a joy shared is a joy doubled. Single and alone means no-one to share it with.
     
    So prayers for all of those affected by bush fires, especially those alone who have to work it out all by themselves. Prayers for young families who have no home, kids who have no school to go back to, old folk who will lose valuable links in their friendship chain. I pray a lot and like an old rector of mine I probably need to carry a little book with the names of those I am praying for so I don't forget anyone. I could use it in those long supermarket queues that come from living in a delightful area of coastline where holidaymakers love to come for the school holidays, especially at Christmas time.
     
    My memory is also not what it once was. Maybe that is one of the blessings of ageing, a memory that fades out the bad times along with the good. Imagine what is would be like if our memories were always fresh and painful as well as happily remembered and joyful.
  15. swilkinson

    Hello 2013!

    By swilkinson,

    It is hot. So HELLO 2013, so glad you came at last! What a blast! Such a contrast to Christmas Day when I wanted it to be hot. So some suitable beach weather for me at last.
     
    I offered to have three of my grandchildren over New Year's Eve for my daughter in law who works on Police Assistance Line (like an Emergency Line). For me to have them benefitted her as she didn't have to pay for a Babysitter and me because I had some company. It is a grand way to wake up on New Year's Day with the sound of kids in the house. Mind you they did tire me out. Now they have just gone so I can relax and enjoy the peace and quiet. For me keeping busy is what dulls the pain, too much time to think and I am crying again. I want 2013 to be a much better year and it is up to me to make it that way.
     
    The grandkids asked to go to the beach this morning about 9am and I would have loved to have taken them but three little ones and me on my own? Not a good idea. I offered to have them overnight while my daughter-in-law worked and kept them a few extra hours so she could get at least four hours of sleep in. It is hard for her on her own. I am glad Ray wanted to be home on a regular basis, even when he was in the Fisheries, a job requiring a lot of patrol work of the river network so a lot of time away from home, he mostly managed to be with us for the significant holidays. I do so miss that aspect of family life.
     
    So we got up and Tori helped cook breakfast, she is 11 now and a big help to her mother. She makes what she calls an egg pancake which is a type of omelette and the boys ate that all up. They need that protein boost as they certainly go flat-out all day. It is like a day at a race track! They are busy and noisy, typical little boys. Oliver starts school this year so they will be in sixth class (Tori) first class (Alex) and kindergarten (Oliver) all at the same school. In 2014 Tori goes off to one of the local High Schools.
     
    There is a new craze not to make resolutions for the New Year but to have a Word of the Year. I could not think of an appropriate word but have decided on one Alex (6) uses all the time. He says :Why don't we do .....Granma? it would be fun?" and most of what he suggests does sound fun, just not appropriate for a 65 year old widowed grandmother of seven. So my word for this year is FUN. So if you can think of something that is age appropriate and inexpensive and sounds like fun do please let me know.
     
    I am starting to talk about Ray and Mum at last without tears. It was hard at first when so much pain from those last few weeks for each of them clouded my mind. Now at last I feel as if I can speak about them again as they used to be. Tori amused me last night when she spoke about one of the characters in "Hairspray" which we were watching together while we waited for the midnight firework display on Sydney Harbour to come onto our TV screen. She called the wowser Mom, "even more old fashioned than great Granma Durkin". I suspect she has a fairly warped view of what my Mum was like but she still knew from what I tell her that Mum could be fun and a bit of a quirky character so she knew she was not as strait-laced as some old Grannies can be.
     
    I do not have any plans much for this period of the year, the time before school starts again except for doing some extra reading. Then comes February when it is all about the meetings,decision making committees etc.meeting to put the 2013 programs into place. I have not decided how I want my life to be, most people are saying to just let things settle down before I make any major decisions and I think that is good advice. I don't want to make changes just for the sake of making changes, that would be silly. On the other hand I know trying to make life stand still isn't possible either. I am not constantly in a state of denial, I am trying to accept the way life is changing for me.
     
    Where do family and friends feature in all of this? I am not sure. Trevor rang from his truck on the way back from Sydney with only a small load of goods to be transferred via Toll (a bit like Fed-ex). He wanted to wish me a Happy 2013 while he remembered. Pam wished me a Happy New Year when she came to pick up the children, I am having dinner at her place on Thursday night so I will see the kids again then. Shirley and Steven have not been in touch as yet. Shirley and family are at their holiday cottage so out of normal phone range. They need the break and I do not begrudge them that, I just miss the phone contact.
     
    When the neighbourhood is quiet and the phone does not ring it is good that I have friends who contact via email and Facebook. Some people are sending greetings and that makes me feel I am at least in someone's thoughts. I need to start being able to cope alone most of the time. I think I am a bit early in the bereavement period yet to be fully independent but that is the aim.
  16. swilkinson
    Who got my sunny Christmas Day with our family dinner planned for 5pm outside? Christmas Day I woke up and it was raining. I got wet going into church and then again coming back out. I had gone to the earlier church service so didn't get to spend time with my church friends. Oh well, small price to pay for having fun with my three grandchildren eh? As I drove over to their place, three suburbs away, it was raining and occassionally it poured down. The day was becoming warm and humid and I didn't like the look of the sky. With thunderstorms now predicted it seemed a dangerous day for all of those who had to travel on the roads.
     
    I loved my time over with Pam, my daughter-in-law and the three children, oh the noise, the paper, the toys, the excitement generated especially by the two little boys. I trod on a dinosaur buried under some of the wrapping paper and broke off his leg so one fatality already. We had Christmassy food (lots of sugar!) and I didnt leave to go home till 1pm. I had to go then as I had some cooking still to do, just the chickens and some sweet potato and baked potatoes as that was what Shirley had asked for.
     
    I had planned to have an indoor/outdoor Christmas with small tables set up in the carport and along the back verandah so we could see the kids as they ran around the lawn. We could spend more time talking that way. But with the blustery winds and intermittent showers what could we do but arrange ourselves inside in a too small lounge area now the kids are all growing and enjoy it as best we could. At least we were warm and dry when the storms hit late afternoon. And we were together.
     
    We had a bit of a delay before dinner as Craig and Shirley offered to drop home a relative of Craig's Mum's who was having lunch with them at his brother's place this year. The drive was along busy city roads and when they arrived at the house the old lady couldn't find her keys so Craig attempted to vault a high fence to reach the back door. Shirley, in the meantime, tipped the old lady's hand bag upside down and there was the key, so half an hour later, having seen her safely inside they were back on the road again.
     
    So everything was delayed by an hour. And with seven adults and seven children inside a small area it was a muddled Christmas. We had the nibbblies and then decided to open the presents. Soon the lounge area was strewn with present wrappings, with big piles of goodies in front of each child as we had all decided to concentrate on them this year. Then the table was piled with food, chairs gathered from all the rooms of the house and there we were, everyone speaking over the top of each other having a marvellous time.
     
    A noisy Christmas was probably the best thing that could have happened to take our minds off our losses and sadness. A noisy Christmas, Ray would have hated it and I loved it so it was fine for this year. Next year we might start a new tradition, but this year it felt like we were just marking time, doing it for the sake of the seven grandchildren. We were all thinking of last year and all that has happened since then and sometimes there were gaps in the conversation as we all failed to mention Mum's or Ray's name and quickly changed the subject. But it was an opportunity to just enjoy the kids' joy in Christmas.
     
    Shirley, Craig and family stayed an extra day so they just left for home before lunch today. It is about four hours travelling to get them home from here. Unfortunately they will be presiding over a funeral tomorrow as one of their congregation members lost her mother on Christmas Eve and they have been asked to do the funeral. That was the reason they had to return home. With her father's death so recent I am sure Shirley will do a marvellous service for them. She is wonderful at that sort of thing, kind and sensitive and a great encourager of others.
     
    They hope to then go to what they refer to as their holiday cottage, a small house in the Snowy Mountains area. It is in the high country and will be mild and sunny there with a little luck and they will be able to relax and plan together what they hope will be happening in their Salvation Army Corps for 2013. We all see the effort they make and it does come from some sensible and sensitive planning and a willingness to vary the plan when other things come up. They do really good work where they are and help a lot of people.
     
    I don't plan to do anything much. January is reading month for me, there are no meetings, not a lot of activitiy as here in school holidays many grandparents are child minding, except for those who are lucky enough to be away caravanning or camped by a beach somewhere. That would have been Ray and I and the kids 20-30 years ago. Since Ray's death it is so different for me. With my three little families doing their own summer things it is up to me to decide day to day what it is I want to do. And for now it is relax and get over all that busy pre-Christmas rushing about.
     
    Do I have plans for 2013? Yes and no. I hope to do some travelling as many people have asked me to visit them now I am free to travel more. I am planning a couple of bigger trips but both can be postponed if things don't work out. I can make some plans and God willing they will come to fruition. And I have a nice new red suitcase on wheels that Shirley and Craig gave me especially this Christmas to take on my overseas trips. But I know, as we are all so aware, that we all live in an uncertain world so for now it is just wait and see.

  17. swilkinson

    learning to walk alone

    By swilkinson,

    Last year I learned a lot about being alone. With Ray in the Nursing Home I was alone in the house here but Trev and Edie were close by. Then they moved a couple of suburbs over and I went okay through the day but the nights were bad. In the end I managed to sleep despite the creaks and groans of the house and all the noises that I had never heard before. Every person who lives alone knows those noises. The anxiety attacks lessened and I thought I was doing okay.
     
    This year has been a busy one for me as I put so much into looking after Ray at the Nursing Home, with so many medical emergencies caused by the seizures it seemed some days as if I lived there myself. Quite often I was there for long hours, sometimes all day as the staff tried to figure out the best treatment, the best non-invasive approach to the seizures. Had Ray not been so debilitated already the hospital would have been a better place for him to be but they were not kind to him there. He was always like a fish on a slab, naked with just a towel over him (easier to clean up as he was incontinent). Not a dignified way for a person of his sensibilities to be.
     
    I am thankful that his suffering is over but I miss him dreadfully. I have been having so much trouble even contemplating Christmas but I know it is up to me to give a lead to my family and teach the children and grandchildren that life goes on. But it has to be a conscious effort now. I don't have the purpose in life I had before. I am no longer motivated by the care of others. I now need to put into place my own reasons for living.
     
    In the last few months I have started to come to terms with being alone, really on my own. There were times when I wanted to scream at my kids: "Whose job is it to take care of me? Can't you see I am hurting?" but I know they have their own lives and each of them is coping with their own pain in different ways. Their lives are busy and fraught with their own problems and they don't need mine to add to them. Sure they think of me and do ring me occassionally but no-one else is going to help me live my life.
     
    Then Mum was really close to death and I transferred my caring skills to her. The Nursing Home staff were marvellous to her and I could not fault them. In most cases she was clean and tidy when I arrived and when she wasn't I found someone to clean her up and make her fresh. I know the care these days is not what it was in times past and they do need reminding that this is a human being they are caring for, someone's mother, grandmother, great grandmother and treat them as they would want their own to be treated.
     
    Now Mum is gone too, Yesterday I went to the Post Office and signed for her death certificate. I visited the cemetery and spent some time there thinking about my loved ones and how it is time for me to really go on alone now. It is hard to even think about that. Here at home I can somehow blot out that fact and just do what has to be done and then sleep or read or watch tv to blank out the evening hours. But the evidence, the fresh piles of clay on the graves, is there when I go for a visit, a reminder of the fresh pain in my heart.
     
    I have joined a site for widows and in a way find a fellow feeling there. But new widows are not going to be supportive as they themselves are still in need of support. It is not like the long term caregivers or survivors here who can help the newbies by saying: "Been there done that, honey, here's a few thoughts that might get you through it too." The new widows, each coping in her situation, are not able to do that as yet. I have Bonnie and another friend from Strokenet there and that helps as they have known me for a long time so know my background and where I am coming from. I have that with a few other widows in real life too, especially at church, so I am lucky in that way.
     
    Christmas, only six days away, a time for rejoicing and marvelling once again that in a Babe in Bethlehem there was a new beginning. Yes, even for the widows. A new fresh start is what humankind needs from time to time. How timely with so many innocent lives lost in the recent massacre. The fresh start enables up to look at what we are clinging onto from the past and ask ourselves: "Is that appropriate to where we are now?" Souls searching is good for us, enabling us to let go of the past and walk into the future less burdened. Old prejudices and needs just hold us back. We need to be free to change for the better.
     
    I am not sure how those thoughts help me. I know I need to declutter my house and declutter my mind but as we all know that is not easy to do. My house is a monument to my past, full of old school reports, old cards and letters,paperwork from heaven only knows when. It is not easy to let go of things that might some day come in handy, fill the gap, suit the need. I am a self-confessed pack rat. Which is why I can never find that one precious document I do need right now. It is under the piles of things that might come in handy one day. That is so frustrating.
     
    I noticed last night at the Lions Club Christmas Party that it is still a couples world. That makes it hard for those of us that are not a member of a couple. It was noticeable in that the wife sitting next to me waited for her husband to get her a drink, I got my own, she went and got her meal but he got her cutlery, he also got her dessert for her. It is nice and the way it should be but it is not the way it is for me now. Nor has it been that way for a long, long time now as Ray was incapable of waiting on himself, let alone waiting on me. I am independent anyway and don't need to be waited on but it would be nice to think that someone had my best interests at heart, and was there for me if I needed them to be.
     
    Last night we shared our venue with a Year Six graduation, high school is Year Seven here, and little girls in high heels and boys in their good clothes with their hair slicked back were everywhere. Crowds of adoring parents with cameras came and went. It was very noisy and the parking lot was full and I had to park way away from the venue. At the end of the evening I had to walk quite a way to get back to my car. It was just another reminder that now I have to learn to walk alone.
  18. swilkinson
    So much has happened since my last blog. Looking at it now it seems as if all that happened months ago but it is only a week ago.
     
    My Mum died on Tuesday morning 5.20 am. She is finally at peace. I am glad and sad at the same time. I was with her all last Sunday afternoon and most of Monday. At 6pm on Monday one of the nurses told me to go home and get some rest. You can imagine how that didn't happen! As if I could sleep with her so close to death. At 5.30am Tuesday morning the phone rang and I was told she had passed away. After such a long time as her caregiver as well as Ray's and pre-2000 Dad's I am now free to move on after whatever grieving period I find necessary. I think I will be okay but who knows how I will react in the future?
     
    The funeral arranger said: "It seems such a short time since I saw you last" and it was just two months and a day.I was so grateful to the nursing home staff for all they did to keep Mum going. My older friends are rallying around again, some knew Mum from when she lived with Ray and I for two years and some have seen her since she has been in care as one of the church ladies was in her room and they visited her too. A death notice came out in today's paper so although a lot of her old friends have passed away I am sure there will be people in the community who still remember her fondly.
     
    I had Mum dressed in her Norman Hartnell dress, it was a family joke really as she always said: "The Queen has Norman Hartnell dresses too." I have held onto it since I cleaned her house out in 2001. A while ago when she asked me if she had nice clothes still at home I told her I had it and it was still her best dress . My sister and I did meet to discuss the funeral arrangements and we agreed on most things so I am hoping it all comes together as Ray's did two months ago. As before Craig will do the eulogy on our behalf because I am sure I would breakdown if I had to do it. I did Dad's myself and that was really hard.
     
    I am finding making the arrangements for this funeral more difficult as I feel as if this one is more on show. Because of the rift with my sister she is very critical of me and what I do so I know there will be a lot of criticism about minor points. My son-in-law advised me to just do it my way and stand by what I have done. I was her main caregiver for so long and knew exactly what to do but now I have reverted to being her daughter, one of two, I seem to have lost confidence in myself and my decision making. With Ray's funeral I just did it my way and that was good enough for most people. This time I wonder if every item, every song, every prayer is what Mum would have wanted and if my sister and her family will approve. I know this is silly of me but it is how I feel.
     
    Mum's funeral will be on Tuesday 27th November at the same church as Ray's was. The internment and graveside service will be at Wamberal Cemetery.She will be in the same grave as Dad - united at last. It certainly seems a long time since she died to me today but it is less than 4 days. Such a busy time when there is so many people to notify and so much to do and it is a big emotional strain too.
     
    Shirley, Craig and family arrived here late Tuesday so I have had the blessing of their company. They have been a help with what I needed to do immediately.The boys I know are only a phone call away. I am hoping that I will cope okay with this second funeral but it is one thing to think you are strong and quite another to get through an ordeal without breaking down. Last night we joined Trev, Edie and family for a meal together. Naomi finds her cousin Alice fascinating and loves to play "peek-a-boo" and other games with her. And I know Steve keeps in touch by phone and will come over if I need him. Shirley and family have gone back to Shelll Harbour for three days to do the servics needed over the weekend but will be coming back here on Monday.
     
    I helped our soon-to-be Deacon Kathy with the communion service at Berkeley Vale Nursing Home today. Our minister is having a week's vacation while his family from interstate are visiting so Kathy and I are the relief team. lt was strange in one way to be back there but good in another as assisting in the service and writing and giving the little talk we use in place of a sermon was healing for me too. To have yet more of the staff come up and chat and express their condolences on Ray's death was good too. Yesterday I was at Nareen Gardens for Freda's service and once again staff members came up to me to express their condolences for Mum's death. It is hard to take but good to have behind me. What does not kill you DOES make you stronger.
     
    I'd like all my friends to keep praying as the sleepless nights are with me once more. It is a terrible feeling knowing that not everyone is supporting me as you all do. But all I can do is strive to honour my Mum in what I do and keep walking forward day by day.
  19. swilkinson

    small steps

    By swilkinson,

    I've had a bad week this week. Partly due to the huge changes to the block of land next door. The house was demolished over a month ago, now they are reshaping the land. Starting at 7am four mornings in a row, the digger roared into life and the resulting constant noise and dust really upset me. The digger dragged down what was left of my fence and took half of the garden with it. Too late afterwards for the machine operator to say: "oh sorry" and ot course no intention of doing anything about it either. With the fence gone my house feels exposed.
     
    I know it is my old enemy "change" at work. I have tried to make my house my stronghold. Now the very fabric of that is being challenged. I have a house that is older than a lot of the houses on my street, so when I sell it chances are it will be demolished and what we call a McMansion will be build in it's place. Such a bad feeling, that what you have built up over many years is of no real value in the throw-away society we all live in.
     
    I feel as if I am dragging myself around. I don't seem to want to do anything much. The garden is full of leaves as we have had strong winds and I don't even feel as if I want to rake leaves. I am doing some housework each day but mostly I am just moping around. I know it is because of the two deaths but that doesn't make a difference. The saying: "Christmas is a family time" is everywhere, what does that mean to the person without family, or people like me who have lost a big chunk of theirs?
     
    I was set not to decorate this year but changed my mind as I will have the grandchildren here on Christmas Day evening. I tried to get the decorations down, found the small ladder, hauled them down but when I looked in the boxes I started crying. Mum's decorations and mine are in together now. So many have memories of Mum or Ray attached to them. So I just shut the lids and put them back up again.
     
    I posted on this problem on Facebook and got a variety of replies. In the end I drove down to a local charity shop and bought a big bag of silver ornaments for a few dollars and they and some blue baubles I had never used are my tree decorations this year. They have no sentimental attachment at all so will not stir up old memories. Nothing is going up outside except the wreath on the door so I am almost done. At least I have made an effort. Maybe next year I will be stronger and be able to handle the memories or even enjoy doing so.
     
    Today I sat and shared morning tea with the widows after church, they are about half of the congregation now.I don't always sit in the same spot, I have friends among all the groups in the congregation now and I like to catch up with them if I can. I am still not ready to go up in front and rejoin the Sanctuary team or the Pastoral team but I don't actually try to hide now. I sit in the mid-section and sing, pray etc. One of the more recent widows joined me, her husband died three weeks ago and she asked if it was okay to sit with me. She is still feeling vulnerable and I was glad of her company.
     
    Our minister would like some idea of when I think I will feel capable of rejoining the groups I belong to within the church, he is looking to the New Year now, forward planning, looking at who he can get to supervise certain projects he has in mind. I understand that. Here January is a behind the scenes planning time, not a lot of meetings as people are away or looking after grandchildren during the summer school holidays so there is no point but February's agendas are planned in January and that gives impetus to the year.
     
    I know I will eventually have to bow out of some of the groups I belong to now I am a widow and not a carer. It is also because the strong memories of caring for a stroke survivor/dementia sufferer will gradually fade away and I will not be talking from the coal face as I was before. I will probably go back to some of the groups after Christmas and take my time making the changes..there it is...that CHANGE word again.
  20. swilkinson
    At this time of the year I always feel a joy mixed with sadness. This year for me Christmas comes at the end of what has been a year of great pain and suffering as I watched my two loved ones deteriorate. I was just starting to cope with Ray dying on September 19th and having hardly come to terms with that to also having my dear Mum die only two months and a day later was very hard. I could be morbid and maybe wished I could have erased 2012 from the calendar. But that would be to erase my darling granddaughter Alice born last June who lights up my life too. There were so many good things as well as bad things in my year.

    So somehow I have to accept and rejoice in what is good, at the same time accepting and coping with what is bad. My faith in God has helped me to do this. I know not everyone understands this and that is okay, I find one way of being strong and some of my dear friends find another path to the same place. I also have the prayer support of friends who share my faith and my fellow church members. Other friends might express their support as "positive thoughts" and that is okay too.
     
    If anyone holds out the hand of friendship I take it willingly. I have made friends with a couple of the new Mums who have brought their children to Sunday School and one left a casserole for me the day of Mum's funeral. I really appreciated that. It is the goodwill gesture of one country girl to another. It is lovely that a few people gave me flowers, some from a florist's but others from their own gardens, I just loved that.
     
    I need to be part of a community that knows how to celebrate life. I miss Ray and I miss Mum and I need to know people understand that. I want to go on enjoying life despite the pain.So many people at Mum's funeral were there, not because they knew Mum but because they had heard my account of the journey we had shared together. It was good that from that they had glimpsed through my wordds, the life of Mum and the way she used to be, strong, feisty but also kind and thoughtful. She too was a great prayer warrior and a woman of God. I want to recall those memories now and see her as she was, warts and all, good and not so good. Not putting her on a pedestal but just acknowleging her as my Mum.
     
    Here you have known Ray also through my words, my posts and my blogs. I only got him on here a few times in chat and that was not enough for his personality to shine through. But you have seen him through my eyes, just as I have seen William through Ruth's eyes and Bruce through Debbie's. We caregivers are proud of our survivors and want our friends to know not only the struggle we go through but also that the ones we love have inspired that love and loyalty in us. I have felt so supported by those who have accepted Ray and I as a couple.
     
    Of course like others on here Ray and I had lost many friends in real life, those who could not deal with Ray's disabilities and the fact that I too had to change to accomodate those disabilities. I know even my own children sometimes wondered if I was not making a bit too much of what we could and could not do. I accept that people feel awkward around the disabled, don't know what to say, don't know how to accept the changes. It will be interesting to see if any of those "lost friends" come back now I am a widow and Ray is gone.
     
    In my journey with Ray with his battle with strokes, fits and seizures and dementia and with Mum with her battle with Alzheimers I was often tempted to give up. I wanted to go back to my old life, it is human nature to think that that is a possibility. Of course it wasn't possible, what would you do on your own, after abandoning the one you love? Sometimes I wanted to give up working to make things better for Ray, supervising his PT and OT, fighting for more hours of therapy. I hear that echoed in so many posts and blogs as people cry: "what about me and my needs?" But as caregivers we can't give up working to make the lives of our loved ones better.
     
    There were times when I even started to give up my faith in God. Luckily that never happened. The prayer support of others saw to that. I am constantly reminded of the goodness of others on my journey. I am so grateful for the many invisbile little old ladies who added me to an already full prayer list. I'll pay that forward as time goes by.
     
    I have experienced a lot of sorrow in my life. I have been with others who suffered too especially in my time as a volunteer Hospital Chaplain. I have worked with a lot of older people and seen them live in increasing pain. Life is not always fair and does not choose to be kind to the faithful and the good. I have learned to accept that too. I know how painful living with a disability can be. No caregiver can just be an unaffected observer when the one they love is in pain.I have cried many nights because I could not just make Ray better!
     
    I have felt despondent over the pain of others, Dad with cancer, Mum with the mental anguish of Alzheimers and her inability to come to terms with the death or "disappearance" as she saw it of my Dad, the one who had been everything to her for so many years. And of course in my own journey with Ray.So often I have asked myself: "what can I do to help?" and felt helpless when there was no real answer. Sometimes, especially with Mum all I could do was offer companionship and practical aid,"a nice cup of tea". And continue to just go on looking after her as if she, not I , were the child now. Even in the Dementia Lodge and Nursing Home she still felt like my responsibility.
     
    What we can do to help others is mostly to just be with them, let them vent, get the feelings and emotions out in the open. It was a skill I learned as a telephone counsellor. At first it was hard not to feel uncomfortable with the words they said or the extent and power of their emotions but it seemed to get easier as time passed. People do feel exaggerated emotions, I do myself from time to time. I have been away for four days down visiting my family down the South Coast. I walked in the back door this afternoon and promptly burst into tears. There was no-one to welcome me home! Even while Ray was in the nursing home of course I came home to an empty house but I could then visit him and tell him of my travels, what was done, what was said. Now there is no-one to tell.
     
    There is a lot fo healing in simply having others acknowledge your pain, having someone accept where you are right now. I have appreciated the loving kindness of others who are willing to express their care. This support has enabled me to stay strong. I realise that I have lost many I thought of as friends but I have also found a lot of wonderful well-wishers. In both the facilities my loves ones were in, Berkeley Vale NH and Nareen Gardens NH I have had the privilege of both ministering to others and having others minister to me. I have been able to befriend others, patients, staff and fellow caregivers. I am hoping some of those friendships will continue.
     
    There are I am sure many good times still ahead of me.

  21. swilkinson

    rejoining the world

    By swilkinson,

    While I was in a daze for most of the last two months because of Ray's death I won't mourn for Mum in the same way. My mother was scornful of the sorrowful, she would say: "Look at them sitting there with long faces." so I will not mourn her. I will try to be as philosophical as those people who tell me "she was old" ( I know that), " she is in a better place" (I know that too) and she wouldn't want me to "sit around with a long face" (true). So I am trying to rejoin life again.
     
    I have just finished writing the 50th Christmas card. I have sent some with a short computer-generated letter, some I have hand-written a short message in, some I have enclosed either the Graveside service sheet from Ray's service or from Mum's as a lot of those once-a-year friends and acquaintances may not yet know about their deaths. It would be easier to just sent a letter but we somehow expect a card, don't we? Of course for those of you on my email list or Facebook page you are way ahead on the information highway. I probably have 40 or so more cards to go. Next year I am cutting down the size of the list,
     
    Yesterday I went to a funeral of a long time congregation member who had been in the legal profession. A lot of the older men had been to college or University togather I learned when talking to them. Some wore expensive but ill-fitting suits which made them look as if they had shrunk a lot since buying them,knowing how stressful that profession is I wondered if they have been worn down by time. Many attenders were well over 80 but seemed happy to see friends they knew and have a bit of a chat. The funeral was a very long, very formal one and the participants were very grateful for the cup of tea or coffee and cakes that followed. I did bring goodies this time, it is time for me to give back having had two funeral teas provided recently.
     
    I went out to lunch today with the women from my craft group. I felt happy going out but somehow it is like there is a glass screen between me and others. I just can't get past that and I can't express real joy at the moment. The best I can do it to try and laugh in the right places and smile and be pleasant. I am still adjusting to life without Ray, life without Mum. Some people can understand that, some people can't. Some say:"your Mum wouldn't want you to be upset". That could be true but it doesn't make it any easier.
     
    Tonight I went to the Lions dinner. It was a mixed night so we had wives there as well. Some of the older men were really nice and expressed their condolences on the death of my mother and their regrets that they couldn't be at the funeral. It was not expected that they be there as this is a very busy time of the year. They were there for Ray's funeral and that is what counts for me, and I told them so. It is nice of them to try to be supportive.
     
    I had a phone call from an old friend who I used to work with at Social Security, when I started he was the "death desk" a position I held later. He said he used to calm the widows down by telling them: "Every time you sign your name on a document you become less Mrs Jack Smith and more MS Norma Smith, so you are not losing your life you are actually getting it back." I must say that is not the thought I've had, nor do I agree with it. But I think he was trying to be comforting. I just wondered how many poor widows left his desk howling their eyes out.
     
    Obviously our Lions Club are struggling with staffing for all that has to be done at this time of the year so I put my name back down on the Christmas Stocking ticket selling roster. I will just do once a week for the next three weeks. It is not a lot and I should survive. The last thing I want to be is a drag on the Club especially as they have all been so kind to me.My partner for ticket selling, Bob, who is in his mid-eighties, said kindly it will be good to "have the old team back together again."
     
    So now I have a list of things I have to do between now and Christmas. It is the busy season, the party season, the end-of-the-year function season. It may also be the season to be jolly but I am not sure I am up to jolly as yet. I am going to help out with one of the once a month meet and greets we hold for the very elderly, just a big morning tea as a Christmas break-up next Tuesday morning. I think I am up to that. Little steps as in any form of recovery, small details, small decisions...nothing drastic.
     
    Maybe by the time all the various committees go back at the end of January, beginning of February I will feel more settled in myself and more willing to take a greater part in church life. But in the meantime life goes on.
  22. swilkinson

    reflections on grief

    By swilkinson,

    I can't believe I had three phone calls today telling me why friends were not at Mum's funeral yesterday. Forget it friends, you were not there. But Mum was 94, had been out of circulation for twelve years and so I was not surprised that only fifty people came. Really only four of her friends, my church friends and mine and my sister's families were there. So today why do I need to know who was not there, well I know that already, and why? Just send a card folks, that is all you need to do.
     
    The funeral went well, no-one made a fuss which was nice and most stayed to afternoon tea again done generously by the craft group ladies. I really do appreciate the effort they have made. It is hard to ask for them to do two funeral teas for the same family two months apart. But there they were smiling and pouring tea. I will join in with them again as soon as I am stable emotionally and will be there for others. The loving care from others does need to be paid forward.
     
    There was a lot of tears from our family at the graveside and in the church. I think Trevor in particular was still crying for Ray. It is hard to face the reality of another loss after only two months, very hard indeed. I was so glad once again of the help of my dear daughter and her husband. I wrote the eulogy, Craig delivered it, Shirley did the prayers and the Bible reading. After all they are the professionals, but Shirley cried so much she had very red eyes and when she and Craig came to sing a duet at the end of the service ( they both have wonderful voices) Craig finished up singing the last verses alone with one arm around Shirley to hold her up.
     
    My favourite nephew and his sister had written a short eulogy to give on behalf of the grandchildren and in the end they read it line by line as both were cyring, Ellie for the lost years, her brother because he had still seen her until I could no longer bring her home and wasn't able to visit her after that so he really was heartbroken at the loss. It is good she was so well loved, even by the grandchildren who I would have thought had forgotten about her. She was special to a lot of people.
     
    The flowers on the coffin cover were yellow roses and deep blue irises. It was a magic choice and one she would have loved. As she was interred first, as Ray was, we found a lovely picture of her to put on the table in the church with the flowers. It was taken the day of my graduation with the Diploma of Theology in 1995 and I remember she told someone she was really proud of me. As Mum was never one to praise us that was very special to me. I think she was proud of both of us but rarely said it out loud, which is a pity as we all need praise. If you haven't told your kids lately how proud you are of them or how you love them please do so today.
     
    Now I am looking for time to reflect on what has been happening during the past two months. I spent so much time with Mum that all else was neglected but now I will also have so much to do sorting out the two estates that that will leave me without much time to reflect anyway. Maybe I am just a person who needs to move forward without analysing things too much. Or maybe. like when Dad died I will suddenly find myself deluged by grief some months into the future when I am assuring myself I am over all that now.
     
    My next door neighbour and my daughter in law (older son's wife) are back home from England, both with a lot of stories to tell. I was on the phone to my daughter in law for about two hours this morning hearing of her adventures. After a few days with her three children I am sure it will all fade away and seem just like a dream to her. But she will have the memories, the photos and some souvenirs to cling to. Ray and I did our trips to England in 1994 and 1998 and I still remember a fair bit about those trips.
     
    It was good to be in caregiver chat this morning. The main theme of course this week was Debbie's wedding coming up on December 8th. Julie (the jule1) and I want to be cyber bridesmaids and Debbie is unsure whether my yellow dress will blend with her color choice of ivory and pink. Caregivers (well everyone really) are cordially invited to attend next week's chat and join the Caregiver Chat Bachelorette party. Bob is coming in a bow tie as an honourary bachelorette of course, the more the merrier. Wine punch with strawberries will be served in honour of my English heritage!
     
    Words of songs keep flashing through my head. When I think of Debbie and Bruce I think of the song which has the words: "There may be trouble ahead but while there's music and dancing and love and romance, let's face the music and dance".(Lyrics by Darius Danesh).
     
    We all know that life isn't lived in a vacuum and one thing bad happening to you doesn't mean that another bad thing isn't just over the horizon just waiting to roll down on you but I am a firm believer in hope. Hope has never let me down. Whatever the trouble, whatever the struggle, however low it brings you, in the end we will turn the experience into something worth while, a new skill, a life lesson or a story to tell others. Thankfully all that has happened in the past two months will do that too.
  23. swilkinson
    This morning I set out as usual to see Mum. When I got to the Nursing Home the door to her room was shut so instead of leaning against the wall for 20 minutes I went into the hostel part to see an old friend. I visit her about twice a month and she accepts that, every visitor she gets is very welcome she tells me. She was a member of my old church so I told her I was meeting a few ladies for lunch today, she always says "maybe I will come with you next time" but she never does.
     
    When I got back to Mum's room the door was open, she was not there and the bed next to hers was gone too. Freda got sick about the same time as Mum did but I knew she was very sick as yesterday the nurses were checking her hourly. Last week I think they were about the same condition but this week Mum is slightly better. I had a quick look in the room where the church service is held for Mum and she wasn't there so I went looking for her.
     
    As I passsed the nurses desk I asked if Freda was okay. The nurse said she was in the chapel and would I like to go there? In the chapel I saw a young minister who is a friend of my son-in-law's and a woman in ther thirties I had not seen before and Freda on her bed. Yes, this was the last rites being performed. I sat quietly and prayed for my old friend who I knew had been among other things, a missionary, a children's nurse, an assistant in a small children's home and in her fifties when I met her a woman of much compassion. I knew she was dying by her breathing and her coloring.
     
    The last rites service is short and meaningful and is said both for healing and forgiveness of sins. The niece and I added our prayers and "amens" and it was over. As the service ended the niece said: "I think she is gone now." and she had slipped away. I have seen quite a few people die in my chaplaincy work but never as quietly as she did. It was both peaceful and somehow reassuring that death can come so silently.
     
    I went on to the lunch and the women there who had all known Freda were a little subdued by the news of her passing, we have lost three members of our group in the past three months. One women summed it all up when I had told them the story, she said: "her spirit was released" I agree, it was exactly how I had felt at that moment.
     
    I went back this afternoon to visit Mum and she was fine, a little figgety but I was able to take her outside into a shady spot to listen to the sounds of spring. She seemed to calm down after a little while. I was glad I was able to do that for her, there is very little else I can do really. It is visit, speak, sing, massage her hands, the little touches of human kindness. I wish there was more I could do for her.
     
    I just wanted to put all that down on paper. It was a proivilege to be there at a friend's passing, quite unexpected for me but somehow it felt right, as if a part of where I am right now.
  24. swilkinson
    I am still feeling very vulnerable. On Sunday I had a meltdown in church when one of the hymns referred to "going down to the grave". Without even thinking suddenly I found there were tears streaming down my face and I was in meltdown. One of the older ladies stepped up and gave me a hug and then suggested I go wash my hands and face and maybe have a drink of water. Several ladies came up at the morning tea and said after xxx number of years after their husbands passed away they still did that sometimes when a certain song came on the radio etc.
     
    It was Rememberance Day also, a day special to my father who was a British soldier although later an Australian citizen. So after church I went to see Mum for a short visit then went on to the cemetery and spent some time looking at Dad's grave and then Ray's. It was a sombre morning so I guess the weather matched my mood. I then went on to visit an old friend whose behaviour is worrying me right now. She seems to rarely leave her house now and I know while old age and some physical problems are part of the reason it is so unlike her as she is usually a bubbly outgoing woman. I think my visit cheered her up as we did some laughing and joking but it will be an ongoing problem I think and I hope her family will see it and acknowledge it. She is to go to a family wedding in a couple of weeks time so hopefully her sons and her daughter will spend some time with her then.
     
    I can understand where she is coming from as like me she was a long term caregiver. It is very different being a widow when you have been a wife and a caregiver. Looking back I was really a caregiver for 22 years as Ray had the first stroke in 1990 and although he recovered and went back to work chronic fatigue issues meant he came home really tired so I took up the slack at home and both worked and studied and raised our 15 year old, organised our 18 year old and mentored our 21 year old. The time from the 1999 strokes on you all know about. So here I am, out the other end, Sue alone, wondering what to do with my life.
     
    Someone told me I should see what my life consisted of when the strokes happened and see if I could do some of the things I did back then. That would be a little difficult as in 1999 I was working as a public servant and helping out in a Parish as well as overseeing my parents who were getting overcome by events, my Dad having advancing cancer and my Mum having Alzheimers. I did their shopping, used my days off to take them to medical appointments etc. You all know most of what happened once Ray had the 1999 strokes as it is documented here in my blogs (okay I don't expect you to remember all that but you will remember some of it).
     
    I could take up some hobbies but I don't think I could manage that yet. It is too soon. I am still somewhat emotionally raw. I only have to see a couple walking hand in hand, hear a song with personal significence or even see a caregiver walking toward me with a man in a wheelchair to have to hurry off to the powder room to blow my nose and wipe my eyes. I can't see me volunteering anywhere else for a while yet. Of course I still do on here as Blog Moderatior and Chat host, mainly because my chat group would not hear of me leaving!
     
    Of course I am getting heaps of advice from my "friends" so I politely thank people for their kind thoughts and like eating chicken I feed on what it helpful and put aside the rest. I know people mean well and often it is out of ignorance that they say things that are totally inappropriate and insensitive. I have to overlook that as much as I can for the sake of continuing friendships, I need them if I am not to have a lonely old age. It is not easy some days and I want to scream "what the h*ll would you know" when another friend says "just get yourself a little hobby or do some travelling". But they mean well, they really do. They have just not had the same experiences as I have as yet.
     
    I really worry about Mum, I know there is so little I can do for her. Today when I visited she was wriggling and looked uncomfortable so I repositioned her, something I don't usually do. Then I sat next to her bed and sang to her. I sing old songs she used to play on the piano when I was young if I remember the words, old church songs and hymns, even nursery rhymes if I can't think of anything else. It seems to settle her down. There is so little I can do with her now. I take her out into the sun when she is sitting in her comfy chair but the past few days when I visited she has been in bed, I guess because she is still on antibiotics.
     
    While I was singing today I heard a movement and looked around and there were four trainees standing right behind me. They all had puzzled looks on their faces. I guess they thought it strange I was sitting there beside a sleeping old lady singing away in what is not the best singing voice in the world. Maybe when they get home and think about what I was doing they will realise that it was just to comfort my Mum, in the same way we sing to our babies to calm them down and maybe some night, by the bedside of a restless old lady they will find themselves doing the same.
     
    I know what it is I am missing, it is Ray, my husband of 44 years, and my purpose in life which was to take care of him.
     
    PS I did go down to Shirley's last week, I went down by train on Wednesday, a five hour trip, then went to see my grandson Christopher being the MC of his concert,which was very good. I came back on Thursday with Craig as he went four hours further north to take his Mum home. Christopher was so pleased to have his two grandmothers, his uncle on his Dad's side and the Corps youth worker as his guests at the concert as well as his Mum and Dad and his sister. So I did do one thing that was fun.
  25. swilkinson
    In the face of such adversity as Sandy brought to a lot of Americans my problems are small. I just came home from my Womens Weekend and have been sitting here in tears. I have to say "goodbye" to women I love so much. I will go on with the WAGS group until Christmas, enjoy the Christmas party with them and then decide when it is time to fade away.
     
    It is like that feeling you had as a child when you went to your favourite holiday spot and on the last day, after packing up and piling into the car, you watched as the place you loved most in the world slowly disappeared over the hill or around the bend and you were bereft, crying and thinking: "I will never be as happy again". Now as an adult I know that you can feel happy again,maybe not with that intensity but happy enough. And so you grow up into a world that will never be what the sunny holiday world was like. But okay and sometimes wonderful, full of people to love, places to go BUT not that special place.
     
    Even this weekend I felt out of step. I knew the furious arrangements that had gone on behind the scenes with the caregivers, getting everything ready so they could leave their loved one in the care of someone else, daughters, sisters, or in some cases respite centres. It is never easy to take even a couple of days to yourself. But to maintain a balanced life and to maintain your own mental health it has to be done. You need that break, to get rested, to be aware of a wider perspective, to just remember for a few hours who YOU are as a person.
     
    The women survivors fight different battles to get there and it was significant that we had lower numbers this year. There were two new ladies which meant that six ladies from last year were not with us. One has withdrawn from the group having been upset by something some one else had said, it happens. Two caregivers have husbands whose health has deteriorated so they didn't come this year. One was away on a cruise postponed from earlier in the year when her husband was sick, and two no-one knows really why they didn't come, they just didn't. I know we have to accept that not everyone can talk about their troubles so maybe we will never know why.
     
    There were the success stories: "look I can do this now", the sad stories, one husband had had another stroke, my story of Ray having died in September. We all hugged each other, danced wildly, some drank and looked seedy on Saturday morning and again this morning. There were adventure stories, two of our couples now go caravanning together and they were full of where they had been and what they had seen, it was lovely to hear how stroke had brought them together and now although such holidays had been thought impossible they were now starting to live that retirement dream.
     
    I shared with the same person I have for the past two years. She is a survivor, a hemiplegic, a scooter person, a wonderful mother and grandmother. We worked in the same building so each year I update her on the people we both know who I have gained news of. This gives us a bond as we have lots to talk about. I also help her out, she doesn't have a caregiver at home and manages okay but on this weekend I fetch and carry for her to speed things. That way she can wear a fancier dress knowing that I am there ready to help her with the buttons and zips.
     
    My room mate had an upsetting incident on Saturday night. She is a mad supporter of a local football club and their home game was at 7.30pm at the local stadium. She had booked a Maxi taxi which can transport her and her scooter. The pick-up was over half an hour late so she only just got to the game and had some trouble manouvering to where she needed to go. The home team won 7-2 against a much stronger and better supported team. She had also booked the return journey but what turned up first was a small wheelchair taxi, then another and another. In the end one of the drivers rang back to base and angrily told base what she needed and that she was a woman on her own and she needed it NOW. So she got home at 12.30am instead of 10.15pm.
     
    I love the dancing. I love the movement on the floor, the colors of the womens dresses, the joy on their faces and the singing and clapping and stamping that goes on. Our entertainer is an old Frenchman, full of charm, he plays the keyboards and the guitar and is more than adequate for what we need. He has had cancer and the last two nights, he said, would be his last. We were all sad about that and last night he got a lot of goodnight kisses and hugs from us all. It is sad that not only do we have to move on but others do too, due to ageing and illness and other circumstances beyond their control.
     
    I loved the weekend. It is such a boost to all of us there. It is a revelation to the people we come into contact with. The waitresses and the service girls are all so kind because they know we are either survivors or people who look after survivors and that this is a special weekend for us all. As usual we had a massage and I had the relaxing massage this year. I know my back is much better than in previous years. The masseuse said my shoulders were very tight and I am holding a lot of tension in my neck. I told her when the massage was over that Ray had died in September and she shed a tear and gave me a hug. Such good people in the world make it a good place to be in.
     
    So I am home and need to set up a plan to finish off some of the paperwork I have started. I need to go and see Mum tomorrow and maybe ask whether there is a plan for her. I need to contact my kids and tell them I am okay but not as okay as I would like to be (still often close to tears) but I am getting there. I need to store away happy memories, like the happy memories of this weekend to keep me going into the future.