swilkinson

Just been talking to our assistant minister, she is my "boss" for pastoral care. We have a talk from time to time. We are both anxious to resume some of our church activities like our Playtime for Mums and kids, our Welfare programs and our night services but the current Covid regulations are preventing all of that from happening. It is very frustrating. We discussed what we thought the future of our activities on behalf of the church might look like in the new year, with Covid or after Covid but there's no real answer. Hopefully 2021 will usher in a new era. How do you plan to celebrate Christmas when you don't know if your family can come to you, if you will be restricted to numbers, if our borders are still closed or even if we have a third wave of the virus as some European countries seem to be doing? Life is full of questions without answers. So how do we plan any new events in the face of so much uncertainty or even continue with the traditional events? Such events like Thanksgiving for our American friends and Christmas for us do form a framework to our lives. I have just been away for a week visiting friends in the country. The weather was cold nights but delightful Spring days. The roses were not out in full bloom but the irises were and some gardens had beds in masses of colour, really beautiful against the green of rain revived lawns. I love that Spring that follows a cold and frosty winter. Here on the coast the changes are not as surprising, less dramatic and gardens are often not as well tended. The traffic is quieter there and the shopkeepers offer a welcome smile. I love small town coffee shops and bakeries and must say I indulged whenever treats without dairy were available. In my dietary range that is not always possible. I came home to news that my daughter had damaged a calf muscle and could Mum come up for a few days if needed so I have a couple of bags packed, one with clothes, one with all those odd things I eat that most households don't have in the cupboard. So if I don't post on the blogs for a few days please forgive me, be assured I am still thinking about you all, just busy being nurse, chauffeur etc. Actually I am looking forward to seeing more of my daughter as with her new job as Chaplain in an Aged Care facility I have seen very little of her this year. I know all of my kids have busy lives but do expect they will think of me from time to time. And a visit is always appreciated. I do hate leaving my garden when my herbs are looking so green and edible. I even have big basil plants ready to use. I might make pesto. My flowers are beautiful but not as good as some years past. The grass is green but it is what we call a green drought as the ground is quite hard underneath it. Fortunately while we have not had a lot of rain here some of the rain fall has been in farming areas so as I came home in the train I saw many ewes with lambs at foot. Plenty of young calves too. I guess a lot will be used for restocking so prices will still be high in the supermarket because of shortages. I think I will start sorting Christmas garlands, lights, decorations etc as soon as mid November, might as well do that and get a good feeling going. I have found that with Covid that I have to do new things to try and express myself, to make my life interesting. If I want to do something these days it is mostly alone and I have become used to that. Nothing is the same on your own without someone to say: "remember when we did this and that happened?" Having someone to share with is precious, and I really miss that more each year. Having someone to share life's events with is a privilege often overlooked. Just had a girlfriend ring to ask me if I wanted to go to see an Australian movie called RAMS. It is supposed to be a comedy so that will brighten my Saturday. Lovely to have something to look forward to. I always say I am blessed in my friends, both in real time and in cyber space. Whatever comes along with friends on my side somehow I keep going.

What fantastic vegetables you have grown this year. I have enjoyed all your blogs and want to congratulate you on the success of your harvest. The smaller bunches will be great in stir fries and soups. Broccoli is great to freeze so you will be eating it through winter as well.

True and because of Steve we think in terms of recovery rather than just having a stroke and losing lives. I have met so many wonderful people because of my husband Ray having his strokes, I never would have thought that so much good could have come out of what were always such traumatic events. That is why we say stroke survivors rather than victims here. It does give you a different perspective on life for sure.

Janelle, I hope there is no danger to Wayne. I am concerned that some of my friends live in fear of catching it despite our low numbers of people affected. I guess we can't keep shut down forever, the world will intrude on us whether we like it or not.

After Ray's stroke I moved into a new world. I wonder what life would have been like if we had continued on as we were sometimes. I know that the life I have has been enriched by the many people I have met since then. So on the whole I would say not better or worse just different. Kelli, love your response to life's challenges.

One of my favourite vegetables. Sounds a great idea to preserve them in some way with winter ahead. Most country folk make themselves as independent as they can be. Great you are able to do so.

Yes, I do come back here from time to time. You have had a very difficult journey with your parents. I know how hard it is to put a parent into care. At one stage in 1999 I was looking after my husband who was at home after leaving hospital after four and a half months after two major strokes four weeks apart early in 1999. My father had cancer and fell and broke his arm, Mum with dementia could not care for him so I took them into my home. Four months later my Dad died. I continued to care for Mum and Ray. But Mum was a runaway, always sensing as soon as I was busy that she could "escape". I had to put a lot of effort into getting home care for her, three half days a week towards the end of our time with us. Even so looking after Ray all day and Mum all night (she needed little sleep) left me with little time to sleep so after two years I put her into a dementia specific locked down Lodge at hostel level. Even though I did it out of desperation, I simply couldn't keep looking after her and Ray, my guilt level was high. How could I do that to my Mum? My doctor and friends told me I had to look after Ray as my first consideration. The staff assured me I had done the right thing but the guilt haunted me. In the end I came to terms with what I had done. Her care was good and I visited whenever I could. I still bought her clothes, cosmetics, snacks etc and took her out to lunch every second Monday when Ray was at Daycare. She was in care for eleven years. No-one could have predicted her living that long with dementia and physical disabilities. How I coped with my feelings of guilt and grief at her ever changing circumstances, falls, broken bones, colds, flu etc was to reassure myself that this was the best I could do. Other family members did little to help and often I was her only visitor for months on end. But the care was good as I said and the best we could manage. Ironically my Mum outlived my husband by two months. They both died in 2012. I hope you can come to terms with the decision to putting your Mum into care. You still have your Dad who needs supervision too and that will increase in the future. Make sure you look after yourself and keep healthy so you can give your attention to both parents as they need it. We are part of what was called the "sandwich generation" caught between looking after ageing parent and adult children who still needed our care and attention. My youngest son was only 15 when Ray had his first stroke. Just take a day at a time, read as much as you can about the ongoing treatment of stroke survivors. We have people on here who have had increasingly good results from physical therapy, speech therapy etc. Did you know that your Mum may be able to speak sentences in a sing song voice. If you do it she may get the idea. Keep looking into diversional therapy, it was great for my Mum with dementia, stimulation of various kinds helps too, participating in handcrafts, cooking, singing, tapping in time to music. A friend of my Mum's used to go into her nursing home and play the piano and she would sit beside her. Think of what made your Mum happy and see if you can bring any of that back into her life. The same with your Dad. And take time out to relax yourself. The carers life has to be worthwhile too. Hope this has helped. I had a hard life as a caregiver but wouldn't trade any of it away. This site really helped me. I made some great friends here through posts, chats and blogs. That is the reason I am still here as Blog Moderator. It is my way of giving back.

Janelle, life isn't what we planned for this year but for me the aim is to still be sane at the end of it and hopefully ready to start afresh next year. So many things I want to do while I am still well enough to do them.

The Covid goes on. We still have restrictions but not as much as some countries do. We still have cases, in our State, New South Wales it is mostly under 20 new infections a day. It is a great result but it has come at a price. Many people are out of work, many can no longer afford luxuries like holidays so most stayed home this school holidays. Some older people are still feeling isolated as we are regularly told to keep safe, to keep away from crowded areas, not to gather in groups etc. I know our government has the ideal of the numbers falling to zero but I can't see that happening. All I can do is try to keep positive myself. So it is get up, get dressed and get on with the day. Luckily with Spring here and in daylight saving time the days are warmer, longer and more enjoyable. I have been spending a lot of time in the garden potting up plants,flowers and vegetables. A friend collected a bunch of pots of various sizes from the roadside for me and so there is plenty to pot up into. As usual I am grateful to my friends for looking out for me. I am potting up some succulents to take into the Craft group. I took in some daisies that grow into a medium size bush and have bright yellow flowers and the people who took them planted out and say they are coming on well. Giving away plants makes me happy. I am still crocheting the little cat mats. I give them to a friend to take to the RSPCA shelter. The mats are used for transition. The cat sits on the mat in its box when it enters the shelter. Then when someone adopts it the mat goes into the carrier with the cat. Then when it arrives at its forever home the mat is placed where the new owner wants the cat to sleep. Cat goes around the house sniffing unfamiliar smells and suddenly "wait a minute, what is that smell? My mat!" Home sweet home. Well that's the theory. When my friend takes them she says to me: "The pussies thank you." I still make phone calls to older congregation members. Some are still not back at church. I guess that message: " Stay at home." is still echoing in their heads. Our church is following all the social distancing rules, has hand sanitizer available and extra masks if people come without them but the fear is still strong. I don't enjoy it as much without the singing and socialising we had got used to as part of our Sundays but there is a chance we will be able to return to those actions in the future. Best to not give up hope and give in to fear. I had Trevor and Alice visit for the first week of the Spring break as usual. It is a frantic week with trips out, crazy mornings at the beach, coffee and muffins at the shops and at home we enjoy playing Wii games. Every Granma knows the joy of letting an eight year old "beat" us at any number of different sports. I must say I would love half of Alice's energy. I need to practice more before the next holidays. I found boxing particularly hard, not done any of that for while. As Ray was a boxer in his youth I have to practice more to uphold the family honour. As part of my pastoral care role I look out for congregation members when I am in the local shops. It adds to the time I am out but it is good to catch up with those who like me are widows and see it as part of their socialising. I can see different people on different days, and different times of the day. I know we are all busy people but shouldn't be too busy to share our time to help others feel connected. I learned from my time as a caregiver the importance of finding others to share with and that is particularly important in this time when we are cut off from family. I know a lot of the conversations finish with us both feeling happier. Because sometimes I feel lonely too. How to stop those negative thoughts? Sometimes the answer for me is to keep busy, get outside, get enough exercise and eat healthy food. And sometimes none of that helps and I phone a friend. Often the friend is the first to say she is feeling a bit down lately and I say: "Me too." So we have a conversation, some sharing of stories, some laughter and lo! and behold we both feel better. On the bad days of course I ring four people and no-one is home so I come on here and read the posts, read the blogs, sometimes add a reply. And feel better! Joining in here feels good. I would encourage everyone to participate as much as they can. That is what makes this site so good, people who are supportive are willing to spend time sharing their thoughts. As a widow with a family scattered across half of Australia I find it sad sometimes that there is not more contact but I can initiate the phone call, send out emails, send a thought, a joke or a photo to them on Facebook. I am still the Mother. I can still pray for them. I can still love them in the times when they need love more than they need advice. They are going through the same feelings of deprivation I am as well as coping with work problems and family problems too. Hard sometimes when I feel sad and lonely and am busy throwing a pity party for one. But I can recall how tough family life was for me sometimes and empathise with them on that level. And so thanks kind friends on here, for reading this, for thinking kind thoughts, for commenting and showing me you understand. I am not quite sure we are "all in this together" as the advertisements and government agencies would have us think but we are all going through so many similar thoughts and feelings so hopefully will all come out of this into a brighter future.

What lovely cards. It is a good thing to donate, unique hand made products. I hope they get a good price to help raise funds for charity.

Will2 glad you are okay. Stay with us, keep reading but comment when you think you have something to say on the subject. This gives the poster the benefit of your experience and your wisdom and makes the site one of value to those who have had a stroke and their caregivers.

LG I just want to encourage you to give yourself a break. No caregiver can do 24 hours a day, 7 days a week indefinitely. Something will give and it will be your health. So what can you do? Employ a carer, someone with experience in dealing with difficult people, someone who can stand quietly and firmly reply to any of what you are going through. Even if it is only two or three hours, time that you have alone will give you a downtime emotionally. Remember no-one is entitled to abuse you. NO-ONE. And just because you love them does not make that acceptable. So do "time out", step back a step and say something like: " Okay you have a point but I am not prepared to listen right now. I have work to do so I'll get back to you later." This is like making a space to step into. It worked for me and my husband so it is worth a try. I used to go out into the garden or into another room. You as a caregiver do have a lot to do so the excuse is genuine. The "you don't love me if" is emotion blackmail so if you think he would understand that just tell him if not go back to the "hey this is not the you I know and love" kind of reply. There is also distraction and redirections. Find something he likes to do and offer that as a way of showing you care, favourite food if he gives you time to cook it, a game he likes to play, with Ray it was very simple board games. Redirection is putting on a favourite TV program, suggesting going on a drive, you will know his favourite things to do. Sometimes it is hard to stop a verbal attack but if you see the signs of it coming stop it before it happens if you can. And remember NO-ONE is entitled to abuse you. NO-ONE. Even if you love them. Hope this helps you defuse a very difficult situation. As the others said in so many different ways, we are here for you. That is what this site is all about

Checked the number in the last 24 hours only 14 people came to the site. Some were long time members who USED to post a lot, others I don't recall posting. So tell your friends about the site and encourage them to post here. It would be sad if Strokenet was just another victim of the Covid pandemic.

Blogs seems to be the most active part of the site at the moment and Janelle is a familiar face there so those are the people who will reply to this post. At the moment people are not coming onto the site in great numbers, maybe because the weather is calling them outdoors, so replies will be few. The community grows in numbers but a lot of people just read rather than respond to the posts. A pity really as by replying they become part of the community.

You know I am fine as I post comments in the Blog section. I am hoping to encourage others to update their blogs too. Sue.

It is good that you have come so far along the recovery trail. Reminds me of the blogs of GeorgeLesley as he trained his muscles to carry his canoe. Whatever the motivation it seems to be the regular struggle to get a function back that gets you there in the end.

Sounds good, enjoy your time with your friend, wish my best friend was still alive but sadly she died two years ago which is why I had my brain aneurysm operated on. Best wishes for fine weather and lots of fun. You can sleep when you get home, you will surely need a good sleep by then.

You have a great attitude Kevin, and plenty to keep you busy. I hope you know when you have done enough for the day. The changes you have to make going into winter will keep you busy for a while.

That sounds really good ASHA, somewhere you can be as a family when you go back to the village. I am glad you are looking forward to the future and grandchildren. That is what keeps me going when the going gets tough.

We all have anniversaries in our lives. Some are happy, like when our parents, children or friends celebrate birthdays or wedding anniversaries or when we do so ourselves. But some are sad like the yearly commemorative events to remember parents, grandparents, siblings or our partners after their death. This year I am going to one of the spots I used to go to with my husband Ray to remember the 8th year since his death. We often picnicked by the Lake and during his last year's at home this was our favourite walk as it has a great footpath for those pushing a wheelchair. He never tired of watching the ducks and other waterfowl along that lake edge. How do you deal with death anniversaries?

I know that when I struggle with something because of my age and left leg weakness due to the cut muscle I always think "I can't do this " but my brain won't let me give up and eventually I work out a way. But like you I pay for it the next day. What matters is the end result. Well done you.

Another month has gone by since I posted this. Are you all okay? Some, well most, of my friends are really finding things harder now. It is on the verge of Spring here and they are used to making plans and going here, there and everywhere and with our State borders closed we just can't take off to visit friends near and far so what CAN we do?

Jannelle there is nothing like a family dog to make you feel the full focus of their attention is on you. Yes, real love. Family is just not as rivetted...lol.

Ruth so lovely to hear from you. As you know I looked after my Dad and Mum too. Like me you had those tough years. So glad you keep up with some of the blogs on here. If you have time do one final blog so we old hands catch up with how you are doing in life after being a long time caregiver.