swilkinson

Leah, from a non-stroker I can tell you that stress and anxiety is a big part of my life too. I too suffer from unreal expectatons and think I can do much more than I can. I still try to do what I used to do at 42 at 62, silly me. I can understand what you go through when you go away as I think Ray does too. The good thing is that he blames me not himself so he doesn't have stress, I am glad of that as I would say that is what caused his first stroke. Ray also has the startling effect of loud noise too, for him it is a processing issue as he is often confused by two things happening at once, like the kettle boiling just as the rain starts. He can handle things one at a time. Hope that it all works out for you now. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Fred, family history and how our family members came to be in certain places at certain times is certainly an interesting study. It is one thing to read Charles Smith 1901 - 1978 and a whole lot different to find something about the life he lived in between those dates. A decade or so ago I started looking up my ancestors, now I have a few cousins, 3rd, 4th, 5th and one woman who I chat to a lot with whom our only ancestor in common was born in 1520! We come from a whole lot of people, of many races and ethic origins, very few of us from "good stock" most of us from the peasant classes, salt of the earth people without whom countries like America and Australia would never have become what they are today. Hope your journey on the good ship "Geneology" is a happy one. Sue.

Doreen there is supposed to be money available for dental programs for the disabled so ring your local member's office and ask how you apply. Families can be wonderful when they are supportive and really hurtful when they are not. Sorry you have to go through all of this. Sue.

Jan, wonderful examples of why we need to be grateful for friends, we never know what lies ahead for them or for us, Happiness is your due for sure. I am so glad you won the dinner for four from the radio station, what a wonderful night out that will be, hope you and Wayne and friends have a great time. ((((HUGS)))) from Sue,

It was busy early in the week, quieter for the last few days then whoosh! The October long weekend was upon us and life sped up again. Our football code Grand Final was on Sunday night and we thought we would all watch the game on TV so Trev brought his new

Hi there Ruth, glad you had a happy birthday with some special good wishes...belatedly "Happy Birthday to you!!!" Those times of feeling like nothing good is ever going to happen again happen to me too. That is when I feel paralyzed and like to do things like you described, for me it is reading, gardening, sunbathing, watch old movies etc. I call this a mental health day. But I only allow myself one day of that. The next day I have to be up and at 'em. There is far too much to do here to slack off for long. Maybe you are still in recovery mode and need some vitamin supplements to get you back in balance again. Whatever is needed to get you up and active, my friend, is my wish for you. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

I go to a local church, with three small congregations. I take Ray to the 9.30am service as I can get him up, showered, dressed in his good clothes, having had his breakfast and into the car by 9am. It is a bit of a rush but we manage okay. For the last six months or so I have been helping out with Sunday school. We have a man who is an ex-teacher who is the person in charge and me. That is enough

Bob, thanks for the best news! Congratulations, on your weight loss, on your great attitude and on the "new you". Recovery is all about acceptance and takes a positive attitude plus some hard work of course...lol. I wish you well in all you do. Glad you are back blogging again. Keep it up mate. Sue.

Donna, lots of (((hugs))) for all that you have done for me in your time as a volunteer with Strokenet. I've stayed a humble chat host and enjoyed my time but I know one day I too will go off to do other things. So be happy in your retirement. Congratulations on the progress you have made with your PT etc. It takes a big effort I know that from Ray doing that two years ago. It is a boost to get yourself going again and does improve life for a while, much longer if you continue to exercise regularly. Keep on blogging, how else will I keep up with your adventures? Sue.

Fred, some very true words there. I am still having some. trouble with my old enemy ENVY and an occassional bout of self-pity, but apart from that I am going strong. I pray frequently and fervently for strength for myself and for all here. I know how vulnerable we all are in a weakened state and that is why I pray for strength. I would be the poorer for never having come to this site and finding such a bunch of inspiring peole, including your good self. So maybe those strokes Ray had, much as they have been a problem , have also in some small way been a blessing eh? Sue.

Hey Leppy, as a caregivr for me it is not emptiness it is a kind of wariness, that feeling that bad things can happen, suddenly out of the blue and change your life forever like Ray having the two major strokes in 1999 did for us. For me too Strokenet has been a haven, a place where people really do understand what Ray has gone through as a survivor and what I go through as his carer. Outside of here people don't understand any of this. Keep on sorting your life out, there is plenty of sunshine ahead. Sue.

Thanks Vi and Ruth. I have decided life is drab and I need more color in my life. I will get out some more cheerful curtains and furnishings and do a bit of a springclean. Light and bright colors tend to lift my mood. And a fresh look makes for a fresh start. To tell you the truth sometimes I just don't know what to pray for. So I pray for a better life, strength and good health for Ray and strength, courage and good health for me. You know that you have to be careful what you pray for, you just might get it! Sue.

If any of you have seen the movie:

:happydance: Yeah Donna, way to go!!You have been working so hard and at last getting the success you so richly deserve. Well done! Seriously I so admire all of the people who make the big effort and get back to a more advanced level. I know what a difference being able to walk into the room with just a stick will do for you. It takes years off your age to go in with your head held high, so smile sweetie and let them know you are back on the scene! (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Kimmie a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to you. A Grammy again, so good!!!! Just the kind of good news us fellow granmas love! So glad Tiffany and son are well and it all turned out almost as planned. A clever little fellow to choose his own birthday...lol. Wonder how I send virtual booties? Sue.

Michael, you did it before, you can do it again,that is the story of your life. Thanks for sharing it with us. You certainly did fall on good times though from out of work to regional sales manager! Impressive! Look back there when you need to recall that life can be bad but it can also be very good. On the days when I am thinking "poor me" thoughts again I read back through some of the more positive blogs and see how others have struggled in their journey too. No rose without a thorn or two my dad used to say. Sue.

Today was Ray's birthday, it was also Daycare, Craft group afternoon but not Lions Dinner night so Trev and I took him out to dinner tonight instead. Of course because we were all out today we missed the birthday phone calls but I am sure some of the callers will ring again later in the week. Ray seemed quite pleased with all the fuss. The first greetings were by phone just as we were finishing breakfast. His sister Judy rang just as Jeff the shower nurse came in the front door. Jeff was more than happy to wait while Ray talked to his sister. She and her husband have been travelling through the warmer north during winter but are now back home in southern Queensland to get their gardens in order etc. A lot of retired Aussies do that, travel north into warmer climates for winter. Through the day, while we were out, his two brothers and a couple of friends rang him. I don't kow what happened at Daycare but the craft ladies certainly made a fuss of him this afternoon giving him the largest slice of cake etc. There was a special sponge cake filled with jam and cream and iced in blue and once he had blown out the candles the ladies sang "Happy Birthday" to him, twice! the second time because two extra ladies wanted to sing it as they were out of the room the first time! Trev and Ray and I went to our local club for dinner. Ray and I often share a seafood basket, it is a large serving and as Ray only has a small appetite now I dish him up what he says is a good serving and eat the rest myself. There is never any left! Trev had a steak dish and seemed to enjoy it. I think he is past the stage when he doesn't want to be seen out with his parents and is happy to help me take Ray places I wouldn't necessarily take him on my own. Our other son rang just as we got home and wished Ray a Happy Birthday, we had also missed two more calls. Ray also got some cards so did very well this year. Some years hardly anyone has remembered so it is good when people do remember and make an effort. Of course there was also another cake as he had to have another opportunity to blow out the candle and have another large slice. White chocolate mud cake this time...sugar high coming up! I saw my mum this morning but she was sound asleep and didn't wake in the twenty minutes or so I was there. I took another sweater for her and some blush pink nail polish for the girls to use while they are doing beauty care. They do make an effort to make the ladies look nice. Of course dementia patients often have strange haircuts as they won't sit still for very long! But I've noticed the girls do make an effort to color co-ordinate and keep them looking neat and tidy. I also stopped by and saw an older friend to catch up on some of her news. Mostly bad of course as it is when all your old friends and closer relatives are dying of various ailments. But her funny news was all about her two little great grandsons as she minds them three mornings a week between the time when her grandaughter goes off to work and they go to pre-school. She had a very funny story about getting stuck on the side of a steep hill with one of them hanging out the front of a three wheeled stroller and how an elderly gentleman came to her rescue. Thank goodness for the kindness of strangers ( and a sense of humour). So today was a good day, and we all need those don't we?

It is ten years today since I became full- time caregiver to Ray after he had been in hospital for six weeks and rehabilitation unit for three months. We had been on holidays when he had the stroke on 19th April 1999, followed by another on 10th May 1999 so had actually not been home since 8th April. He was so glad to be home but to tell you the truth I was scared stiff! When he was finally discharged into my care there was still an endless round of appointments to keep up with, visit to physiotherapists, OTs and other rehabilitation specialists to complete and a whole battery of testing left to do. For the first four months after he came home I also had Dad and Mum here, dear Dad for just four month as he died five days after a bad fall. The fall shattered all the bones in his left leg (he had bone cancer) and he died on 2nd January 2000. I kept Mum living with us; she was lost without Dad and her Alzheimer

Yeah kakii, it really is you? Wow, you look wonderful! And I have missed you SO much. I just hate it when people leave and I don't know why, or if they are okay, or not. I am going to give you a hug...(((((HUGS)))).. just in case it is not a good day for you my friend. Yep, must be nasty to feel down in the dumps all the time. I felt like that this week, a combination of just a head/chest cold, a few things which have gone wrong and no sign of spring yet and it is <1st SEPTEMBER> We are having warmer weather but not rain and things look dry and dusty instead of green and blosomming like they should be. So come and dance around the site again, encourage those who need it, give some advice, share your own experience and wisdom. You are needed here. Sue.

Forgot to say how blessed you are to have a daugter and grand daughter living with you. It is a blessing from God, that knowing that the generations will come and go but our heritage goes on forever. God bless you, Sue.

Fred, you got it...listed here...pray for Fred and Marion. No worries. As you know Ray has many deficits old and new from his five strokes, TIAs , fits etc. but to him every day is a good day. He's always been a simple man of faith and that is a good thing too. It is me who has to know the how, when, why and wherefores of life. Which is good, he has faith and I have knowledge. No-one has a charmed life, it may seem so from the outside but we look on the outward appearance and only God looks on the heart. From what I can tell you are a good man and walk with God and that is what matters. Even if there comes a day when you don't physically walk that will still be the case. I think of you often, over there, in a town I will probably never visit. But what does that mater...a friend is still a friend. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Wow Karen, you have enough worries for sure. Sorry you are going through all you are. Get the dentist to make a decision on the tooth as soon as possible. Ray had a fall years ago into a friend's rockery and the docs took three days to stop the bleeding. Those blood thinners really do the job. Glad your neighbour was there to rescue you. Take good care of the foot you don't want it to get infected. I'll send over a huge roll of cotton wool to wrap yourself in so nothing else happens to you...lol. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Every year just before Spring I get a fit of the blues. It usually is accompanied by a head cold (yep, got one of those) and a feeling that I am stuck in one place and don't really know how to move forward. So that is the place I am at today. Good news, we got OUR shower nurse Jeff back today; bad news, he think he is being moved further south of us for most of his client list as that is closer to home for him and thus less travelling. It's a pity as he and another man called Len have been Ray's favourite Friday respite companions. I have always been happy to go off and leave Ray in their care. It has been more like having a friend visit than having a paid worker in the house. But all good things come to an end as we know. So changes again for us. I didn't go and see Mum today as I have the head cold. I can't go back until I am germ free. I took Trev to see her on Tuesday. She was sitting at a table and I knelt down and came in on her left side so she could see me. She now has macular degeneration and cataracts so very little sight left. I waited until she focussed and smiled and then told Trev to hunker down alongside me and change places. He did this and said in wonder: "Look Mum, Granma is smiling at me, she knows me." Which is probably not true but she was smiling because a small spark of memory told her this is someone she knows who is friendly. So darned sad she is so far into dementia now but until we have a cure so many older folk will end up the same way, a familiar much-loved parent, grandparent and friend with no connection to life around them or ability to communicate with those they love. Sometimes I have a feeling that life is sliding past me. It is to do with the fact that Ray's health is slowly changing again. As he is less willing or able to go out etc I am turning down more invitations, getting less time to contact friends and also losing the companionship our relationship used to provide. It is no longer possible to have long conversations with Ray and even short questions are so often answered now by:"I don't know" or "I don't remember". I know in the end that he will be like my Mum is now, nodding and smiling, sitting in an easy chair or propped up by pillows on a hospital bed. Not tomorrow, not the next day, but some time down the track. So what building blocks do I have that I can use to rebuild my life as it falls apart? This is the next question. And so far there are no answers as to do any activity for myself I need more care hours. They never stretch far enough as it is. Last week the lunch for Scallywags meant that I did only a portion of what I usually get done on a Friday as I only had 9am till noon instead of 9am till 3pm. It is impossible to take time for any extras I want to do. I am stretched with doing what I do now. I really do need more care hours for Ray. And at the moment I don't qualify so I am stuck. It is like trying to rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic. I am finally catching up on my studies, I am two and a half weeks behind instead of three weeks behind. And if I stopped coming on here I might catch up a little faster. ..right? Wrong, coming on here allows me to vent and venting clears my mind so I then sit down and study with a clear mind. That's my story and I'm sticking to it ( apologies to givincare for using her motto here). So any bright ideas about how I might turn my life around, feel happier about the way life is going etc always welcome. You all know me so well now. The new thing I am doing (for as long as Ray is happy to accompany me) is Kid's Club at the church 3pm to 5pm on Wednesdays. I play tether tennis, hula hoop, throw the ball through the ring, etc with the younger group, then go and make fruit toast for the afternoon tea while another volunteer makes sandwiches, then after a story or a little role play they all sit down and eat, then out for more play, a craft, some more play and then in and I do a candle prayer to finish. It is very low key and the kids probably don't find it churchy but a good place to play with a good afternoon tea. Of course there are some rules but we make it all as pleasant as possible. We have some mums stay so give them afternoon tea too and ask them to join in as they feel they can. We have four volunteers from the church and about an equal number of mums for fifteen kids. Which of course is why I am wanting to do more, to get more involved, just small things like being able to go to Bible study etc. I am so restricted as Ray NEEDS his aftenoon sleep now and really doesn't survive well without it. Yesterday he slept from 12.30pm till 2.30pm then 5.30pm - 7.30pm, we had a late dinner and he went back to bed. Not as good as being able to sleep through the afternoon but better than last week when he had no sleep until he got home and was so tired and confused from lack of sleep that he really didn't function well at all. I guess there really isn't any easy solution to this and I am going to have to wait and see what the future brings. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other as usual.