swilkinson

For all of you who have been praying, my heartfelt thanks but please don't stop! I need all your prayers to keep me afloat. Ray and I are going away on Tuesday to Cairns and I still have so many things to sort out, Ray's medications, our clothes and other needs to be packed and now another MAJOR problem.. Today I minded my three local grandkids while their parents went to look at a house they are interested in buying as they are really growing out of theirs. Ray and I gave up a couple of other things to do it but I figured they don't ask often so I like to oblige if I can. Wow, was Alex, usually the happy sunbeam, miserable today! It could be teething or a cold coming on or something unknown as yet but he mainly cried and threw tantrums. He kept telling me he was a big boy but didn't act it. The other two were reasonable. Tori is going through one of those "trying to do my best" stages, probably the influence of her cub leaders and so she was "trying to be a good example, Granma". Actually she is a good girl mostly. I had her one day a week from six months old until she started school so we are good buddies. Which is why she is sleeping over here tonight, it is always a pleasure to have her here. And she will come to church wih us in the morning and join whoever is in Sunday school. I don't know if I am teaching or not, no phone call so far. In the middle of the parents coming back to collect the two little boys and us all sitting down together and having a catch up the phone rings and it is the nursing home - Mum has had a fall! How? I asked. Seems she got up and went for a walk pushing her over the bed table/trolley as a walker, bumped into some furniture and down she went. No damage they said but we need you to come in and talk about some options. I warned them this would happen. For the past eight years she has walked round and round the inside walking track of her Dementia lodge, round and round and round. We did sixteen rounds one day without her even catching her breath, for 90 she was fabulously fit. So she falls and breaks her hip and all the specialists say this is the end and she will not walk again - oh yeah? The nursing home physiotherapy aides had her up walking with a high arm walker yesterday. Today her brain kicked in and off she went by herself - no stopping her now, pushing her trolley instead. So I finally got to see the person in charge of her section about 3pm while Trev, who had been away most of the day, watched Ray and Tori. And it is the same old rubbish: "we can't watch her around the clock, we have others to see to, we are short staffed" etc. They would like my permission to restrain her. Well no, I am not giving my permission, this is supposed to be a safe place remember? It was the nursing home's choice to take her, knowing she has dementia etc and put her in the general section NOT the dementia section so now they want to restrain her? No, no, no. Keeping in mind I can't get a review over the weekend as all the staff who need to form a judgement are off, and she will be up and about tomorrow I didn't know what to suggest. In the end I suggested letting her sleep where she is and sending her to the dementia section through the day until something else can be worked out. No sense in taking no action and then having her break the other hip. They don't want to be accountable but they surely will get to be if something happens to her under their care. We paid a large bond for her to be in continuing care so we get what we pay for. I knew she would walk again, she is a tough little person, my little bright eyes, but I just didn't know she would do it so soon. And this afternoon as MY reward she said my name. Looked me in the eye and said: "Sue" as clear as a bell. First time in about two years. Wow.

I now all about that block laying, brick laying etc. I've exhausted myself in days gone by fetching bricks so someone could just stand and set them down...lol. Glad to hear you have a good summer this year and your garden is blessing you with growth, hope all your flowers bloom profusely for you and provide a wonderful habit for birds and butterflies. You finally chased the spiders off the blog, must have been dark and dingy back there after all this time. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Sad day today in many ways as Trev and I cleaned out Room 11 at the Dementia Lodge, Mum's home for the past eight years. The night nurses had packed it up for us in six rubbish bags! There it all was, just so big a pile of old clothes, photos and sun hats. Just the sight of it all made me teary. I could not have done it alone but with Trev's help we moved the dressing table and chair back here and sent some of the clothes over to the Nursing Home and tonight I have sorted the rest. It is still uncertain whether she will walk or not but she will still need warm clothes as they sit out in chairs and in the loungerooms every day. She will be assessed on Friday for a suitable chair and I will buy whatever is recommended for her. It will be her birthday present as she turned 91 today. I was so glad of Trev's help and I think he got his reward. When we went over to see Mum he bent down to give her a kiss and she put her hand up and stroked his hair, just as she used to when he was young, it was a real tender moment. He had to turn aside to hide his tears. This afternoon I went to the care providers focus group. This is a project called: "Providing Value in Care" and five of us were asked some questions about what we value in our care packages. I can say not all my comments were positive and somehow when you are honest others follow your example so I think they were a little surprised by our answers. Once again I was thankful that I have the strength to handle what I have as a couple of the women were still providing care for children who are now in their thirties. They were cheerful but you could also the tremendous strain they must be under. They had been faithful caregivers for a lot longer than I have been looking after Ray. I can't tell you their names but please pray for all those who's caring roles last practically until they take their last breath. All of this takes an enormous emotional toll. A few of you have put parents into a care facility and know what I am saying. I feel sad, guilty, concerned for the future both for Mum and for Ray and I. I know that with his conditions one day I will be making the decision on his behalf, or maybe someone else will be making it for me...lol. Caregivers get sick as well as tired, we so often neglect our own care while concentrating on the one we care for. Tomorrow I will put on a brave face and go and look at the small space, one quarter of a large room, that Mum can now call her own. This then, is what life comes down to - a bed and a chair. But maybe at the end of a rich life, this, and a kindly staff to look after us, is all we need.

Lisa , what a wonderful blog, sounds like the slower pace of life is suiting you. Ralph has you and you have Ralph and that has to be enough. Acceptance comes and goes as life changes but where there is acceptance there is always peace as well. I'll imagine you both sitting, sipping a coffee, the sound fo birdsong,the warmth of sun on your skin. Nice! Sue.

Nothing like pain to get us to pitch that "Superwoman" cloak out the window. Ray weighs less than I do but I've found getting the wheelchair in and out of the car four or more times in the one day is the trigger for my back muscles to convulse all night and stop me from sleeping. I've never been brave enough to have the xrays done and look at the actual damage. Jean, a leaner meaner Don is a necessity if you are to go on caregiving. I know diet is "die with a t on the end" as Garfield says but sometimes those extra pounds just can't be lifted any more. Enough is enough. I don't know about having your children look after you, our younger son lives with us but I don't know who looks after who. I do know that whenever we have an emergency he isn't anywhere close by and I am the one who does the lifting. Remember pity parties are okay, as long as you flush. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Stu, congratulations all round - for achieving a new normal, for your weight loss and for the information and support you give to others here. You are what my dad would have called " a good bloke". I think being able to drive again is a big deal, it frees your partner from the chore of having to drive you to appointments etc. I know how that feels as Ray was never able get his licence back due to his lack of right/left co-ordination. He couldn't scan and would never have kept up with the traffic changes etc. Keep up the exercise, keep your mind busy and keep on doing whatever is keeping you healthy. Sue.

You know that dream where you are running and running and not getting anywhere? well life feels like that for me right now. I have spent so much time going to and from the hospital visiting my mum that there doesn't seem to be much time to do anything else. So the housework is behind, the laundry needs a catch-up and I need a housekeeper to do all the 'extras'. My new course work is getting neglected as I am so tired at night. I am over a week behind with the reading, questions etc. I said that I would be fine with it if life went on as normal and nothing dramatic happened to Ray or Mum. I guess Mum falling and breaking a hip at 90 qualifies as dramatic! I can never undertand why when someone is transferred to a care facility they are well looked after but when they go from there to the hospital for more intensive treatment, like Mum has had to with the broken hip, that care is suspended until they come back? No-one from the Lodge goes in to visit and a relative, preferrably the one who is the holder of the Power of Attorney, which is ME has to take full responsibility for care again. However there is some good news as yesterday as Mum got transferred to a little geriatric unit about ten minutes from here. It used to be a little cottage hospital when the population this end of the Central Coast was sparce in the late '40s but now the population is 350,000 the small hospital has been renovated and is just used for convalescing oldies. So elder care is their speciality and they will understand how Mum is and what to do for her (I hope). So today I went to her room in the Lodge and got some nightdresses and cardigans and a dressing gown and took them to the hospital. The slippers were beyond belief, one very old pair and three odd shoes were all I could find in the wardrobe. Mum has been wearing slipper socks but that will not do for where she is now apparently. So one new pair of slippers for a new phase in her life. Yesterday I went to see the nursing home where mum is going when she leaves hospital. It is a little old fashioned but it too has just had a renovation so there is a new outside deck with deck furniture and in the rooms the walls are freshly painted. BUT instead of having her own room she will be sharing with two other ladies. It is not what I want for her but the carers, trained by the old facility, will be well-trained and kind and some of the other residents will be familiar faces as they were once at the Lodge but like her have become more frail and less active. I have never thought of Mum as being in a nursing home as the Lodge where she was was fairly new and had a nice courtyard with sails to prevent the oldies getting overheated in summer, the internal walking track, the bus trips out once a week, the concert parties and other entertainment , a lot of willing volunteers, a lot going for it. She had her own large airy room with an ensuite toilet and shower. The place she is going to is a nursing home. I am glad she is so far down the track now that she will not notice. Then I won't feel guilty either. All of this has been a tremendous strain, on me and Ray as in the most part he has to go where I go. The trips to the hospital, 40 minutes each way in the pouring rain have taken about three hours out of each day. But I don't regret it. It is true you get better treatment when you have relatives coming in and out who question what is happening, how you are, what the treatment is etc. And the ladies she has shared with have been very nice and eager to help with this "poor old lady" they have found themselves as companions to. And maybe it has given them a better understanding of living with dementia. So on Friday she will have the staples out and then probably be transferred out as they can do little else for her again unless the physios say she has a chance of walking. That is what I am praying for right now - that she will walk again. After the pain has lessened and she is off the painkillers that might happen. She is still wiggling those toes and there is no sign of atrophy so it might happen. People say: "do something for Sue" and to tell you the truth I no longer know what to do. Ten years as a caregiver, to more than one person, is a long way down a very muddy track.

As most of you know my little Mum had a fall on Saturday 13th June and broke her right hip. As her daughter and power of attorney holder I had to make the decision about an operation to pin it. I wanted it done as although she is 90, almost 91, and has severe dementia walking has been her life. She has walked everywhere from a young age and I could not bear to have her laying on a bed dying by inches, not allowed to weight bear. So late Monday afternoon the orthopedic team operated on her. I went in Tuesday morning and there she lay, pale and listless, I thought she was dying. At lunchtime the nurse asked me to feed her and although she had her eyes shut and seemed asleep the mouth kept opening and she did eat about a quarter of the meal plus a little of the apple pie dessert. I felt relieved, if she had refused food I really would have felt it was the end of her life. Today when I went in there she was sitting up in a chair, two bright eyes turned toward the door. She has macular degeneration so probably relies on her hearing more than her sight but she was alert, ready to engage, not dull and listless like yesterday. Today she ate all her lunch and licked her lips. She is back in control again. The nurse asked me to stay for a while until they could put her back into her bed as this morning she had cried out and cowered away from one of the male carers. I know that there was in her background suspected child abuse, physical stuff, but maybe there was more than that too. A lot of the old families kept "secrets", so sad. Anyway with me there making soothing comments they were able to make the transfer. I overheard the wardsman telling one of the nurses: "the daughter was there so it all worked out okay." I drove over to the hospital, a 40 minute drive, in pouring rain but thanks to those on chat this morning I drove my chariot with the spikes on the wheels and "spiked" all those who rushed past and threw water over my car. Take that....spike. I also wore the new red outfit and matching boots that "Tink" my fairy godmother "whished" for me this morning and took the thoughts and prayers for a safe journey that all who answered my post for prayers have been sending. Thank you, fellow chatters and lovely supportive friends on this site wherever you are. It has made such a difference to know I have your support. And what would life be without the fun and foolishness and fantastic support that being a part of chat brings? I was speaking to a friend on the phone about it after I got home. I told her about all you wonderful people out there, the friends I may never meet but who mean so much to me. Whatever else there is in this world nothing beats the power of true friendship. So God bless and keep up the prayers for my little Mum with two bright eyes.

Wendie, we miss you too. I know that "where did the year go" feeling. Ray is over ten years past his major strokes, that was a long bumpy ride but we made it. Like you I have family worries with Mum breaking her hip last Saturday, at her age they are unlikely to operate and today the orthopedic team do a full assessment on her. Not a lot I can do as it is out of my hands now. I just know she will need a lot of care to come out of this walking again. Look forward to chatting to you again. Sue.

Wow, I went to the meeting, stayed for lunch and came home to find a friend had just called so had an hour with her. I don't know what made me check the answer phone but there was a message to say my mum had had a fall and was in hospital so I spent the evening beside her bed. Too early to tell but it looks like a broken right hip. She has always been so active I don't know how she will cope. Please pray for my little mum Marjorie. Sue.

I've unexpectedly got a couple of days off as Ray has gone off to Camp Breakaway for just a couple of nights. This came about because of a funding rule that says all donated funding for semi-charitable organisations must be used up by the end of the tax year (June 30th) and as they had just received a small grant they decided to have the regular clients over for a special weekend. I only found out about it last week, had the interview Tuesday and this morning off Ray went. Wow, what a pleasant surprise! So today I didn't have to rush back from my time off by 2.30pm as I usually do as I had all day. It was nice to call in and see a friend, have an afternoon nap, get up and prepare what I wanted to eat etc. As luck would have it this is a planned weekend but at least I will be able to do things at my own pace, not concentrate on what is happening to Ray at the meetings etc that I have to go to. And Ray will be having his usual lovely time at Camp Breakaway and I am sure not thinking of me at all. So what will I be doing? Tomorrow morning ( Saturday) I will be going to his stroke support group, we haven't been for a couple of months so I am sure there will be some catching up to do. The last time I saw everyone was at the picnic in May so that was nice and informal. The suport groups do a great job as advocates for stroke survivors and their carers, as well as disseminators of information etc. I don't see anyone between the meetings as this is a coast-wide group and services a population of 350,000 but there, as here, we have the common bond of stroke, so that is enough to make it all worthwhile. After the meeting I will stay on with a few of the folk for lunch, we used to do that before Ray had the swallowing difficulties, not so much since then. Most of the survivors that attend the meeting are much less disabled than Ray, some are still working part-time, some retired to spend time with family etc. There are also several members in their early forties so they seem to form a group within the group though that doesn't seem to matter. I have a few friends there that I made at the womens weekends I went to so they always give me a smile and a hug. It is good to know there is support for me there if I ever need it. Since the Scallywags group which is a part of this stroke support group has been meeting fortnightly and not every week Ray hasn't been as enthusiastic about it. He seems to be withdrawing from company again, more reluctant to talk on the telephone, less enthusiastic about Daycare, really wanting to just stay home much of the time. I can understand this as the cold days don't make me enthusiastic about going out as much either. But social interaction is important to both of us so I won't give in to the "why do we have to go out?" questions. In my case it is to stop me getting cabin fever! I am reading with some envy other bloggers descriptions of their holiday plans. Yes, I know, it is your summer, my winter. So you have the opportunity to travel, go camping, catch up with family in far off places and I don't. But I still have the return visit to our family in Cairns to look forward to so I am content. They all enjoyed their four days in Sydney at the Congress but were glad to get home to the much warmer weather of lovely northern Queensland. I will be glad to spend some more time with them up there in July. Among other things we are going to go to their local Show ( a bit like a State Fair but on a smaller scale) which will be an opportunity for me to buy my grandkids show bags...delightful to small kids everywhere. On Sunday Trev and I are going to meet up with some of his cousins for a family picnic. My sister's family of four children, ten grandchildren, have a picnic for the birthdays of the month. As I have a birthday in June and so does my grandson Alex we have been invited to join the clebrations. I know it will be cold and will wear appropriate clothing but as long as it is fine we should all have a great time. I don't get together with them more that once or twice a year although most live not much more than an hour's drive away but again it is a case of getting Ray ready with some difficulty and getting him to where the picnic is held etc. I find it daunting in winter to take him out in the open where it is often windy, muddy under foot and because of his inactivity he really feels the cold. Maybe blood thinners etc contribute to that too of course. So why am I still up writing this when my computer tells me it is half an hour past mid-night? No reason except that I can sleep in a little tomorrow, have a sit-and-enjoy breakfast, read the Friday's paper, something I usually do around Sunday...lol...and pretend for a while that I am a lady of leisure. Good for a couple of days but then Ray will come home again and I will be back to my normal busy self.

Congratulations Karen and Bill. Ray and I will be 41 years married on 26th July, we had 80 people to an afternoon tea party last year to rejoice with us, that Ray is still here and I am still sane....lol... and all had a lovely time. We may be older but we still know how to kick up our heels and celebrate! Best wishes to you and Bill as you reach this ruby milestone anniversary. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Wow specs, that is a wonderful song. I am a caregiver so just an observer in a way. I work very hard to keep Ray goiung but it is not my body it happened to if you know what I mean. I do respect the work the survivor puts in against many obstacles to get back to a life that is healthy and liveabale. I think poetry often expresses those thoughts that can't be expressed any other way - add music and you have a really special song of your own. Sue.

Jeannie, you are an inspiration to me! I read your blog and wondered if it is possible to fit in more cleaning etc. Looking around my computer room it could certainly use some of your organizing skills. Good for you! Your mother and mine both had that maxim: "A place for everything and everything in it's place" so I know she would want me to clean up too. Sue.

Butch, I was 43 when Ray had his first stroke in 1990, 52 when he had his major strokes in 1999 which retired us both, me to take care of him. I chose to leave work to care for him so I remake that decision every day. It is hard even for me at 62 to have a life that is yoked to being a caregiver and nurse and cleaner and...the list goes on. Only you can make this decision and only you know how easy or difficult it will be to live with its ramifications. For me divorce would cut away all those friends and supporters who are here for us now and maybe even split my family as some would choose to support Ray in his ongoing struggle with life. I know it is your decision and wish you well in whatever lies ahead for you. Sue.

I think you are right to be calling this a miracle, it certainly seems like one to me too. Do make the most of the improvements in Dick, throw the parties, celebrate each day. The changes will also mean you have access now to some of your old life so do some more "Ruth" things. And when you and Dick are still able to go out as a couple take some joy in the things you will be able to share together. Unfortunately Ray is still just Ray. But ten years on I still have him so got to be grateful for that. Sue.

The past few days I have been feeling very tired and probably not my usual bouncy self. I think it is just post-holiday blues. It is cold, mild by comparison to some of your winters but none the less winter to me. It has been raining on and off and so is cold and damp and for a few days we lived without even seeing the sun. Every time I go outside I track in mud. Woe is me eh? There was to be a big birthday BBQ today, the weather is fine, the sun almost shining but the little boys have the diarrhoea and so they can't come over, so I am cooking soup and wondering if there will be another day ahead when we can get it right and finally get that birthday cake alight with candles. Having a winter birthday is the pits, this postponing it until....has happened to me a lot. And the weather often puts a dampener on events too. Oh for a summer birthday with a picnic at the beach and fresh seafood and...well it's nice to dream. Of course when I was born, in the northern hemisphere I was a glorious summer baby, my fault that I came to the topsy turvy world called Down Under eh? Today I went to church as usual. Yesterday was an unusual day as one of the organisations I belong to provides the catering for a local drama festival so in my six hours of volunteering I got to watch five one act plays put on by local drama groups. As I rarely get to see a live production it was really a treat for me to see the world through the plays performed. All plays, twelve in all are one act plays with a cast of two or three, all must be under an hour in time including stage setups and demounts so it is fairly basic but very worth watching. Ray is enjoying being back home and out on his verandah again but I am not enjoying the clean-ups that result from his incontinence. It is as if we are starting all over again. There really is nothing I loathe more and I can see why in a lot of cases this is the straw that breaks the camels back and results in putting someone prematurely into a nursing home situation. Even with love in my heart and the best will in the world it is still a beastly job to have to do. And I know a lot of other caregivers feel the same. I have tackled my first assignment for my course, I have two a week. I will sit down and draft the other this afternoon and hopefully then start working on the assignments for week two . I had planned that Thursday was going to be the completion date for one, Sunday for the other but it is amazing how life gets in the way of my best laid plans. I had an extra appointment and a care worker came to review Ray's paperwork on Thursday and that was enough to throw the system out. All I can hope to do I think is have them completed by the time they are due for marking late in July. I am not aiming to get a distinction in the course, just to cover all the work and get a pass. One of the things that is making me feel blue I think is the fact that my Cairns family are in Sydney for three days at the Salvation Army's National Congress. Sydney is only an hour and a half's drive from here but due to their work load they will not get up to see us so it is a case of "so near and yet so far". I love my kids and I love my grandkids and frankly I think I am pining for them a little right now. It is unfortunate we are such a mobile people these days and families suffer a feeling of disintegrating into small pieces as we move further away from each other. Ray has been difficult too the last few days. He is back in denial. Every time I ask him to do something and come back he hasn't done it. Small things like picking up his electric shaver and having a shave before we go out, or cleaning under his fingernails, fetching his teeth from his room etc. these are all easy jobs for him to do. But he has got used to sitting while the good natured aides do everything for him while he was in respite. It always takes a week or two for him to get used to being back at home again. And when I ask him why he hasn't done something it is because I didn't tell him, he couldn't find them etc. So I am back to having to find, fetch and carry again. I should stop feeling sorry for myself and get up and do something. Sorry for the whinge. I hope tomorrow will be a day full of lovely surprises for us all. Dreaming again eh?

Congratulations on your retirement Fred, as we all know "there is a time for everything under heaven" so while you are on earth enjoy what you have, enjoy what you do and be eager to learn more about how to love your neighbour as yourself. Maybe think of neighbourhood patrols etc as fulfilling that commandment. God does not intent you to be idle I suspect. Enjoy your grand daughter and your garden and all the peace and happiness you can take. It is good to rest from your labors and enjoy a peace of mind that comes from NOT having to punch that time clock. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Ann, you look just wonderful, you look like a mom and granma and no longer like an overburdnened caregiver. You look so young and vivacious, isn't it fantastic what a holiday can do for you? Hope you and Bill settle back in together. I always find that the hard part. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Yeah! George, so glad you have finally left your hibernation and are here with us in blogworld again. A BIG hug to Lesley too. She is such a wonderful example of industry. I wish I could drop by and sample that bread, fresh baked. I used to make a lot of jam when we lived in the country and bottled fruit and froze a lot as well so your blog takes me back to those adays. Today is my birthday, about 60 degrees expected if we are lucky as it is winter here but I was born in England and can well remember that "light flurry of snow" falling one 4th of June as we were preparing to go on a family picnic. The weather is always unpredictable whichever part of the planet you live on. Hope summer turns up at your house sooner or later. Just hang in there mate and it will come. Sue.

Hi Ann, just wonderful that you are able to take a break. It is as important as anything else you might do. You are a very special person and you need to renew your energy. I know for me visiting my family up north does that. Hope you had lots of fun and came back home refreshed and ready to take on future challenges. (Or maybe like me you find it a little daunting to take on the challenges again?) However you feel on your return it is RIGHT to get away from time to time. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

I went on the first weekend of my course. There were 120 people on the camp, some newbie Bishop's Certificate people like me, some doing the first year of the Diploma and some in their second year who are just about to finish their Diploma. Now the people who belong to the Newcastle Anglican Diocese inhabit a small world and I have been around it a long time so of course I bumped into a lot of people I knew from way back. I would look at someone and think: "Could that be Ken..or Joe...or George?"..but wait, now they all have grey hair, and glasses and a few extra pounds around the middle. And I guess they all looked at me and thought the same thing. It was like a 40 year high school reunion, when you have all changed and not always for the better. It rained and rained, not heavily but as the cabins were scattered in large grounds it was a dash for the Dining Hall with umbrellas across large expanses of wet grass and with older folk that is a danger. But we all survived and thrived on the extra exercise I guess. There was reasonable food and enough cabins that we could all had a bottom bunk and none of us minded that. I guess it took us back to our Church Camp days when the kids and mums and dads would all have a bare cabin and we took all we needed to survive three days away. At least this time we had hot water for showers and good food which we didn't have to cook over a camp fire but dined in a nicely set up dining hall. That left one night back at home before I went to get Ray today. He seems to have enjoyed his break and looks well. The staff at Reynolds Court always say that he is no trouble. He seemed ready to come home and despite the fact that it was raining headed straight out to the verandah, word book clutched under one arm. The sun did come out for a while before lunch so he did enjoy that. This afternoon Trev and he played a few carnival games on the Nintendo, Trev had borrowed them from a friend and Ray smiled a lot as he beat Trev at a couple of the games, at least the first time. Then, as usual, he went to bed for his afternoon nap. All is normal again. What did I do with my break? Not a lot. I went up to visit our Cairns family, that was an excellent week. I phoned a few friends and some of our relatives and caught up with their news. And I went on the weekend away. This time I did not feel guilty or selfish or as if I had abandoned Ray, I just felt like someone who has put the load down for a rest. I think I deserve the break, and I certainly need it to recharge my batteries, to give me more energy and to raise my spirits. I need some time to restore that feeling of being a whole person, not a nurse, not a caregiver, just a middle aged woman called Sue who still enjoys her life. The study will be good for me too. It will give me another focus, something else to talk about, something that I have in common with people not dealing with a husband that has had a stroke. I need to feed my mind. I do a lot of pastoral caring, in the church and other organisations I belong to and as part of every day life. Often in the groups I belong to I am one who people come to to discuss what is happening with their lives. That is fine with me but it is also emotionally draining sometimes. So I need to be extra careful not to get down and depressed. I have allowed things to get to me sometimes and now I need to relax and let go of that responsiblity from time to time. And some of the old grey headed fellows did remember me from times long gone, some did make a point of sitting next to me at the dining table or during the lectures. Some were interested to catch up on my news as I was interested in catching up on theirs. So maybe this renewing of acquaintances will lead to more contact with other old friends too. I do think I need that at this stage of my life, to reconnect with people from the past. It is also good to be remembered for my former academic achievements as well as just being a wife and grandmother who looks after her invalid husband Ray. That is still a worthwhile thing to do, I love Ray and miss him when he is out of my care, but I do need to be a person in my own right too. It is important to keep my own identity. We all need to do that for our own good mental health.

Diana, I know that feeling of happiness when someone you love and long to see drops by. We didn't see much of our daughter for a while when they were studying in Sydney but every now and again she'd ring and say: "We've got half a day to spare so we're coming to see you." It was wonderful when that happened. I can drive but don't drive through busy traffic so don't see friendss that live in the city now. Sue.

Naomi, you are so right, time goes so fast. I spent some time here tonight comparing my blogs for the months of May and June from 2006 - 2009 amazing the ups and downs of life. For my life the highlights are parties, BBQs and adventures with the kids and grandkids. I had my two grandsons today for four hours, it's tiring but I just love to see those little eyes glow. I love to remember the trips Ray and I have had up north to visit our daughter and her family,those blogs have many real precious moments listed there. I just had a very happy week in Cairns with them all. I am so glad you were able to go down and visit with Wes and Debbie, it would have been good for all of you. I am pleased you were inspired to come on here and shared your story with us. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Karen, I act as a buffer between Ray and the world. Like you Ray cannot go into a large group of people, he too finds it too much stimulus, so I steer him into a corner where it is not too noisy and run back and forth with food etc. I tell people what his requirements are, like time out and quiet time and a place where the music is not blaring away, most people I talk to do try to understand. I guess because of the length of time I have been caring for Ray, ten years now, I know him so well. Congratulations on getting out and about the way you do. I know there will always be those tales of someone else who had a stroke and got over it, but I also know that for people like you and my Ray life is not like that, it is going to continue to be very challenging and people, particularly those in our families, need to take that into consideration and try to make visits more comfortable. Sue.