swilkinson

Elondie, I read all your posts but rarely reply as you have a cheer squad of "aunties" here. I'd like to say how proud I am of you and your daughter for the way you make Tootie's world go round. It is the parents and grandparents who organise the uniform, drive kids to the event, stay and cheer, go over the happenings afterwards etc that make going to sport, dance, drama etc so big a part of a kid's life. You are a very special person to Tootie. I am sure Tootie loves you a lot, whether she can express it or not. I also know hearing her say it is just so WONDERFUL! ((Hugs))) from Sue.

Because of shows like "Oprah", the "Rikki Lake" type shows I guess there is a feeling that everyone shares their ups and downs and some people share their most intimate details until you want to say " too much information!" But that is not the way it is right across the world. In every situation there are those who are happy to open up their lives for all to see and those who are quiet and withdrawn and keep ther lives and their thoughts about it to themselves. In England a person might say something like: "I'm sorry, we cannot have this conversation, I am a private person." and the subject would be dropped. Even in Australia, considered often a nation of extraverts the same applies. Some people tell all, some people do not. And yet I have always wondered if by shutting their thoughts up inside if they are missing out on the benefits of sharing their lives with others? I have been privileged in a lot of circumstances to be the temporary confidante of many people. This came about right from my teen years when I found that quiet, concentrated listening allowed others to express their thoughts to me. I have always as much as is possible kept their secrets. It is not my way to be a gossip and I like to think that you can tell me what is bothering you, I will give my honest opinion and then we will resume our conversation as if the subject had never been discussed. It is the only way to keep friends. There is a price to pay for this. You can become a burden-bearer. I was on the Lifeline telephone counselling phones for eight years, one session a week. In that time I heard a great many stories, some of them very tragic, some of them the product of an over-active imagination. It is amazing what a person will tell to a perfect "stranger" on the other end of the phone line, of events in their lives that they swear they have never told to family members. But they do need to tell it to someone, as a form of release and to unburden themselves. The trick is not to take on the burden yourself but remember that it is the property of another momentarily shared with you. Some of people's stories, like the posts and blogs on here, were an example of someone dealing bravely with events beyond their control. Over the years I built up a tremendous admiration for the person who looks honestly at the circumstances of their lives and deals with it as best they can. The "copers" in life have in my opinion won the same kind of acclaim as the "Bravery Awards" handed out to Heros. Through this site, dementianet and the two support groups I go to I have discovered more heros. They are the ones who grimly fight for a better way of life, they are in some cases ill-equipped to do so and do so against great odds. The aphasic man in our stroke group who gets a friend to record messages for him so he can play it and get his point across is one of my heros. The woman who has had many hospitalizations, is quite severely crippled but dresses in fashions that would be worthy of a French fashion magazine is another of my heros. Where she finds such elegant creations I do not know but it is a far cry from the traditional casual wear that invalids so often wear and really expresses her personality which despite her disabilities is as bright and gregarious as a rainbow parrot. In a past blog I told the story of my first encounter with the death of a peer at aged eight. I think that made a real difference to the way I lived from then on. I really love people, in all their many facets, and I try to get to know them and walk alongside them in any way I am able to. I do step forward if I feel I can be of help in any way. In some cases the help is not needed or appreciated but in the long run that does not matter. What matters is that there has been an encounter, a brief sharing that hopefully has benefitted both if us. Some subjects are almost taboos, death and dying, bowel motions ( a subject important in the life of caregivers...lol) the frustrations of a life half-lived. But it is in sharing these subjects that we come close to being of real help to people. Those casual "talk-about-the-weather" encounters do not help us to live, to grow or to move on. It is the encounters and conversations that allow us to broach the taboo subjects and discuss what is laying heavy on our hearts in the night hours that help us the most. Sitting by the bed of the dying the subjects of wills, finance, sexual expression, old enmities and future plans might all be a part of the conversation. The art of chaplaincy is founded on the art of listening. I don't have a "best friend" but I do have many people I do consider as friends, some on this site here, more in real time. How they think of me is not so important although it is nice when the friendship is reciprocated. What really matters is that we have had the privilege of sharing in each others lives.

Ruth, hang in there. As I go through my life day-by-day I think of people like you and Ann who are struggling with the same issues. There are many thousands of women in each of our countries who have stuck with their husbands and are making the best of life with a partner who is post-stroke and now suffering from dementia in one form or another. One thing about being a caregiver is that dreadful feeling of being the one, the isolated, lonely one with no-one else who really understands. Being on this site has taken a lot of that away for me and I can feel okay about what I feel, my thoughts, my outward expression of that. Just remember we only give our ideas of what you should do and like an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord you only put on your plate what you can manage...lol. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Ellen, I for one am real glad you are back. There is someting really honest about the way you view your life and Denny's that I find very likeable. I am glad to have the privilege of being a spectator to all your adventures. Thank you for what you do for Denny, it is great when you are brave enough to let them go and they can have the freedom to make their own mistakes. Your reward will come from him regaining more and more independence. I look forward to the white water rafting account! Do keep in touch, don't be a stranger as they say...lol. Sue.

Kathy, it is funny how one ill counteracts another. My Mum once met her two brothers at the airport and the younger one hugged her enthusiastically and broke three of her ribs. That was a souvenir for her to remember him by! Unfortunately she neve saw him again, he lives in England and she never went back for a visit. The "it must be my fault" theme is common among women I think. Every time something happens to Ray I say:"What did I do wrong?". Failing health is not a sign of personal weakness, it happens to us all. Enjoy spring and your birdwatching, we have bright colored parrots called lorikeets sipping nectar from our gum blossom, soon they will head up north for the winter and we will be left without their movements to enjoy. Hope you feel better soon. Sue. PS no hugs....just in case...lol.

Bill, enjoy spring, it is fun while it lasts. Our autumn (fall) has deteriorated into rain showers. I know we need it but it is so nice to have fine and sunny weather and I am addicted to blue sky. Sorry to hear of all your delays. I know driving is a biggie for independence. Any friends or family available to drive you to rehab? It is really important to go and get there on time and make full use of it. Of course Ray was never able to get his licence back (his reflexes are too slow) but he had me to take him. Not always willingly I might add...lol. In the meantime repeat your exercises over and over at home. Might be nice to do them out the back in the sun if you are able to. It will give you something to do while you wait. Sue.

Jean just as you keep Don busy to stave off depression, I do the same with Ray. Back in 2001 the doctor said "Go out every day, one day your home will become your prison." so that is exacxtly what we do. Of course at times it is a big effort to go out but it is will power that wins over won't power. I went to look at the hydrotherapy pool again today. I'm going to try a few sessions with Ray to see now he goes. We used to go regularly but gave up a couple of years ago when he had a series of chest infections. He has got real slow with his walking so needs to do more exercise. Now I know he has better kidney function that is off my mind and I think going back to hydrotherapy might be the way to go. While there was any doubt about his kidneys I thought it was too risky. I want to improve his general fitness again before I take him north at the end of June. Sue.

Thanks for all the good advice. Just want to get a few things straight though. Trev does help, he commutes to work so is away twelve hours a day but he does do small jobs for me at weekends. He has just cleaned some of the windows last weekend and has plans to do some yard chores this weekend. But I do want him to have his own life, not act as a secondary caregiver. I do steal hours here and there as Asha suggested. I think like Fred said it is the weight of knowing it all comes down to you to do all the every day tasks that weighs me down sometimes. And that feeling of taking up the slack as soon as Ray comes home after having a mind free of worry for a couple of weeks is a big shock. On a bright note I took Ray to two specialists yesterday and his kidney function has increased and the urologist thinks we can forget about the prostate op for a while ( his prostate is enlarged but not dangerous) so there are two major worries off my mind. Sue.

Sounds like you are getting closer to some solutions. The insulin will be better at getting the diabetes under control. I hated sticking Ray with a needle every morning but do it as part of the routine now. We just visited the kidney specialist and the urologist and got a good report from both so I must be doing somehing right. Ray, like Dave, has multiple problems but can still go on quite happily with just an occassional check-up and a bit of a change in some of the medications. Hope you survive learning your new nursing skills. You can do it. Just learn how and go for it. Sue.

Ruth, slow down, you are heading for a breakdown my lass and that is not good. Of course you are going to collapse when you have used up your last ounce of energy, count me in there too. I slept for the first two days at my daughter's place, same reason, too much to do before I left, no energy left over. About volunteers, when someone asks what to do answer with a question: "What do you see as a priority?" then ask: "Is that what you want to do?" if the answer is "yes" you say: "Well go ahead and do it then." This is your opportunity to get your yard cleaned up and some of your worries will end here. I had my Lions Club members clear my yard for a driveway in 1999, without that nothing would have happened. I still feel blessed that they showed their appreciation for Ray in a practical way. I need to get a cemtery plot too. I must go and do that. It will be one more job ticked off my list. $3000 is a lot of money, so is that the headstone as well or is that seperate? There is a need to finalise some of the things in both our lives to release our energies for the things that really matter and I agree with the girls, that does mean trips to the mall! I have to remember Trev needs some of my time too. I give up a lot to mind the grandkids but forget beacause Trev is single doesn't mean he should miss out on special time with his dear old Mum. Just take each day as it comes along. Ray took three pairs of pajamas into his room, put on one and put the other two under his pillow. The next night he complained that there were none in his drawer. Oh my dementia is such fun eh? ((Hugs))) from Sue.

Getting Ray from respite and bringing him home is the easy part. It is then settling back into routine that seems so hard. After all I have had "freedom" for two weeks. Freedom is something we take for granted for most of our adult life, it includes self-determination, freedom of speech, movement, the right to choose our own way of life etc. A lot of that is taken away from you when you have strokes or start to look after someone who has had strokes. Ray has always been described as "easy going", this was one of the compliments of the seventies, a period when we were young, recently married and raising kids. The easy going male didn't critise the meals, compare his wife to his mother, make a fuss about the use of the household budget etc. I was considered "lucky" to be married to a man who was "easy going". A lot of my girlfriends had husbands who were more difficult to manage at home maybe but more devoted to their business and better providers but we all agreed that the "easy going" man made the best husbands. Looking back over the years Ray was a good husband and a good father, taking us on holidays, spending a reasonable amount of time with the kids, sharing some of the household tasks, particularly the yardwork. I think we got along well with our neighbours and in our community because he was community minded and joined a service club with other younger men in it and so I got the company of other young wives. We did move away from our families for about ten years and unfortunately by the time we came back both his parents had died and his sisters and brothers moved away so he never had a close family. Which explains in part why we have little contact with them now. I think not having a close family is a real disadvantage after you have a stroke. Granted some families are a liability and can be abusive and unhelpful in all kinds of ways. But I am envious when I read of those who have the backing and support of their birth family and in-laws to help in the stroke recovery process. My sister has helped out from time to time but there have been other years when she has been mostly out of contact, busy with her own life and her own extended family. I can understand that as I know how absorbed I can get in our day-to-day life too. Our children, or at least the two who are married have families of their own so I can understand that that is their primary focus. Mum and Dad do feature in their lives as the "grandparents" in the case of our son's family, the only grandparents, but it seems the committment that we felt towards our parents in the seventies and eighties no longer applies in 2008. We do have one son living at home and he does help out in small ways so we are lucky to have that kind of support. It is great when Ray is flat on the floor and a call brings Trev to help lift him up again. And when he BBQs too, that is a real bonus. But Trev works in Sydney and of course has a life of his own on the weekends so is not here a lot. So mostly it is just Ray and I as a couple who live in this space and reality. We get up in the morning and the day begins. The week has it's routine and we go from home to the church, the shops, the doctor's and wherever else the week takes us. We have the Lions dinners, the meetings with a couple of other groups, including Ray's Scallywags group to give us other things to do, other things to think about. Both Ray and I have an opportunity to serve in our community still. Less than in our vigorous and active past but still the art of listening to others can be part of Ray's ministry as well as mine. And I volunteer as a fill-in at Sunday school, as a helping hand at Lions and here too so this is also a primary focus point for me. So why am I thinking of this now? I realised last night at Lions that Ray hardly focusses at all on what happens around him. He sits at the end of the table and interacts very little with the person opposite him apart from speaking when spoken to, mainly with a "yes" or "no" answer. As at home I bring him a drink and his food, cut up his food, get up for anything extra he needs. As long as he doesn't cough and splutter and he can manage to eat most of his food it is worth taking him out to the dinner meetings. I am sad though that there are many activities that we would recently have volunteered to help with and no longer put our hands up to be counted as part of the work team. That has reduced our usefulness to the Club and so I know that in the near future we will need to make a decision about staying a bit longer or leaving the Club. Monday was a busy day with doctors' visits for both of us. Tuesday I did a lot of housework in the morning. I did manage to get in a walk while the shower nurse was here, it was drizzling a bit but hey! I don't shrink. In the afternoon we went to our craft group as usual. Today Ray was pleased that it was stay-at-home day and he could have his verandah time. He loves just sitting there doing his find-a-words, doing a bit of daydreaming too I expect. I did my chat hosting and enjoyed that, and some housework after lunch. Tomorrow is a busy day with two medical specialists to see and Friday has some other appointments too. So not the quiet life as retirement was once viewed. Asha, I am trying to go with the flow, Jean I am trying to stay in the present. I am trying to keep calm, count my blessings, take one day at a time, do all the things I tell others to do to stay focussed and manage our lives to the best of my ability. I just find it all a trifle TRYING sometimes!

George, hope the weather improves and you get to spend some time in the great outdoors. Lesley is probably having cold weather in New Zealand too as it has turned cold here in Australia the last few days. It is good you have regained enough for Lesley to be confident you can cope on your own. Congratulations on being that independent. I am sure with 30 frozen meals you will be able to eat least at well and you have the dogs for company. Don't take any unnecessary risks up there in your beautiful spot but do update us with any adventures you have. Sue.

Kathy, I have been down this road a few times. When I left work to look after Ray I probably wasn't thinking he would still be here in my care nearly nine years later. So I thought I would leave work for a couple of years and then go back. I'm thankful to still have Ray with me but the role of the long time caregiver does take its toll all the same. Now I am facing the fact that if anything happens to Ray nine years have passed, and I wouldn't be going back to work at the same level I left at. Like you there is no way for me to go back to my previous career. I am older, slower, looking toward the future as leisure time not back-to-work time. When people ask me if I am "back at work now" I make a joke of it :"What! and give up my life as a lady of leisure?" though like you it sometimes does reduce me to tears so I excuse myself and go dry my eyes. We have a different life now, we have survived some different expereinces to our old colleagues. I once did a lot of things I couldn't do now like complex math and remembering case work and legislation. Now I can give the same energy to looking after Ray and keeping him well. Build some new skills and you won't regret the passing of your old life as much. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Bill, sounds like the kind of weekend Ray and I have enjoyed in the past, some fancy eating, a little shopping, and yep, had some of those minor scratches in the car park too! Congratulations on your walking all that distance. Way to go! You put a lot of effort into it and it is starting to pay off. I like the idea of the BBQ too, we used to do that all the time in the better weather. Now our son Trev is in charge of the grill. Sue.

The "H" word here is the "R" word - Respite. This is more of a stop gap than a permanent measure. I get Ray into Respite twice a year, two weeks each time. That may increase in frequency as time goes by. Mum on the other hand is in full time Respite...or I kid myself that is so. It is easier than saying I "had to put her away" or "she is in a nursing home" (SNF). She is just in a place where she can be cared for more efficiently and although that was the end of one part of our relationship it was the beginning of another. You have really been on the slippery slope the last few months and I admire you as you hang on tight to the life you can see is the best for your husband. But, dear one, you can only hang at the end of the rope for so long. There will come a time when Hospice, or some other form of care, is what he NEEDS. And when that time comes you will know it in your heart. In the meantime, live a little outside the timeline, do what you can for him and for you. And enjoy each day as you can see this part of your life is coming to a close, one way or another. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Yep, your friend dumping on you like that is like throwing you a reel of cotton into the water in a drowning accident but I think there are some good points in the replies. I occassionally provide friends with a link to this site so they can look at stroke in all it's diversity. That gives them a broader view than the pamphlets they read in the doctors surgery or the occassional coverage in the media. Stroke is a whole-of-life exprerience for the survivor and the caregiver and friends need to know we are doing our best to handle it. Yep, take her along on doctor's visits trips to VA etc. She may then see what is happening first hand and maybe get mad on your behalf rather than mad at you. A person may be a true friend and still get it wrong. I try to take criticism on the chin, doesn't always work but at least I know they took the time to tell me rather than leaving me to face it all alone. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Oh dear Ruth, I can relate to all of this too well. Ray's last stroke almost went undiagnosed as the little doctor in ER asked me to describe what he was like before so she had an idea of a change in his condition! Makes me cry to think of it. I've read your latest blog and will reply to that too. But this one really touched my heart. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Ken, way to go indeed! You are such a giant in determination. Making a speech after all you have been through sounds such an achievement. Glad the water therapy is helping, Ray never got to the deep water therapy stage as he had a real fear of losing control. So it was just walking in the water for him until one day he refused to go. A pity really as it is such great exercise. Hope to see you sometime this year. Sue.

Eva, if you copy and paste your first reply here you can start a new post with it in Caregivers section. Or you can introduce yourself as a newbie and you will get a great welcome here. I just want to welcome you to Strokenet which is a great support site. You've found the blogs, now read the posts and if you can join in the chat. Mel, so sorry to here you have had another mini-stroke, it is so discouraging and each struggle back is harder. You are such a strong woman from all of this and much valued here as a great example to others. Your replies to Eva are a testament to that. Glad you are home and ok. (((Hugs))) to both of you. Sue.

Babs, I agree with Asha, he is pointing out your deficiencies to hide his own. So maybe handling things differently would help. Our dementia support mentor says to only challenge what is dangerous, so if he puts the coffee in the sugarbowl instead of his cup let him drink it! He has us laughing with his examples. We use an expression here that fills in when someone is critising you we say: "you think so?" it doesn't mean you are agreeing or arguing, just acknowledging what the person said, so then you walk off. Let as much as you can go by, arguments are energy sapping so it is harder to work and worry, easier to just get on with daily living. The changes in personality are often bewildering both to the surviver and the caregiver so I guess it is hard to come to term with it in someone who otherwise from outward appearances seems so normal. I think it is from the brain being damaged combined with the ageing process. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

I'm home. Funnily enough it is hard to take in that I am really home as Ray will not be home until I pick him up on Monday. Of course it is nice to be home but I did have a good time while I was away and left a tearful family in Cairns this morning so not home and relieved to be but with part of me up there with them still. Trev picked me up at Sydney airport after an uneventful three hour flight and it was out through the Sydney CBD clogged with Friday afternoon traffic, slow...slow...slow. Even on the Expressway between Northern Sydney and the Central Coast it was slow as a lot of people flowed north for what looks like being a lovely warm autumn weekend. So who can blame them for making a traffic jam of the arterial roads to get away from the crowded city? I had a lovely time in Cairns, it was hot and humid, wet and mild, windy and wild, you name it that was our weather. But the dry days were beautiful and only four of the nights were humid so I survived. The grandchildren were especially pleased I was there and we spent a lot of the time together. This past two weeks were very busy for my daughter and son-in-law as Captains of the local Salvation Army Corps with the launch of the Red Shield Appeal and other fund-raising functions (it takes a lot of money to run their refuges, half-way houses etc) and so they were glad I could look after the kids while they were freed up to do extra hours. It wasn't all work and no play as they were able to have Monday and Wednesday off this week and we did a bit of sight-seeing. I still haven't been out on the Great Barrier Reef but we did go to a couple of lovely beaches and picniced and walked on the beach and had lots of fun. We also went to a strange place called Paronella Park, a "castle" built by an Italian at the turn of the century, it's parklands have been ravaged by cyclones but somehow the ruins are majestic, the gardens and surrounding "jungle" interesting historically and botanically. I was very intrigued by it and enjoyed it as a great day out. For those of you who have seen the movie "Sniper" that was shot there in the "jungle". While I was away I was getting over a viral attack that came towards the end of the week before I went with the usual "foggy feeling", headache, tummy upset etc. The first few days I rested as much as possible. I think my daughter was worried that I seemed unlike my usual bouncy self but I got over it and this week felt fine so did get some rest in as well as the usual rough and tumble of family life. I did get to know the new dog and cat quite well too. Both seemed pleased with the additional family member to pat and pet them. Away from the usual distractions here I was able to do some thinking too. I always think "I need to simplify", that is always my first thought, but how to achieve that end I do not know. I could picture my house with less furniture, less clutter etc but I guess I would have to pay out a fortune to get the extra storage space to have it half as neat as my daughter's present lovely spacious five bedroom home. The homes in the tropics are all open plan, painted in light pastels, furnished in rattan and comfy overstuffed lounge furniture. We visited another two couples so I had three as a sample and they all had built-ins to hide the clutter in. It's the way to go but an expensive thing to set up in an older home like ours. The gardens in the suburbs near where my daughter is living are all coloured leaf plants and lawns, not the cottage type garden I have here. That too is great in a place with plenty of sun and an enormous amount of rain. Here in the more moderate climate I can see that getting more coloured foliage plants might work so I'll work on that idea too. Being able to make a few changes often helps to brighten my life. As long as it is within the budget and not too energy consuming. Because I know that once Ray gets home and I have to take over his care all of this will seem too hard. But it is good to have some plans and dreams for the future. I missed you all, all my friends from Strokenet. I missed the daily glimpses of your lives, the angst, the triumphs, the everyday bravery of those living as stroke survivors or caregivers. It is amazing that I can be sitting here but my mind is thinking of you all "over there". I missed a 90th birthday party and a day trip while I was awayand a few phone calls. But I mostly missed the day-to-day routine that makes up the "Days of our Lives" here on the lovely Central Coast of New South Wales, Australia.

Deenie, hope it was a good weekend in some ways as you caught up with family again. There is no good way to bury your parents. But they will always be in your heart and in the memory of many others I am sure. I am off on my vacation to my daughter's today so will catch up with you when I get back. Sue.

Only three days before I go on holidays. It is a bitter sweet preparation this time. In one way I am looking forward to it, the family reunion with my daughter and grandchildren, that is a joy. There is the peace of mind of knowing I can rest in bed of a night without one ear open, not having to hop out of bed and start the day whether I want to or not. On the other hand it is hard to know how to prepare. Am I going into heat, humidity and rain or balmy autumn days? Hard to tell until I get there. And then of course there is getting all of Ray's packing done too. I know he is an old hand at Nareen now and they make him very welcome but he is still leaving home for a fortnight. He will be back in a room he is familiar with and our old friend will keep an eye on him for me. But it is still hard for me to part from him, I love him and want the best for him. I know I cope better after a rest so maybe this is the best thing I can do right now. I saw Mum today. I didn't see her on Monday so maybe I saw her with fresh eyes and I realised how thin she has become. When I asked the nurse clinician to check the files for me she said Mum has lost 10 kilos in the past year. That seems a lot of weight to lose without it being a cause for concern but I have seen the other residents there do it too, it is a change in metabolism. She assures me Mum is eating well and that she has no real health concerns. For a change Mum clung to me, usually she is almost oblivious to my presence most of the time but not today. It choked me up. She was like those small scared children you see who cling to someone else for comfort. But when I left she was okay, having her morning tea and "reading" her magazine. I have been reading an e-magazine on Alzheimers and as part of a survey they came up with the idea that caregivers suffer "anticipatory grief" over a long period of time and a "loss of autonomy". We all know that is what happens, we grieve for what our partner has lost and all we have lost because of the strokes. We also lose not just our freedom to be a seperate,self-determining person but often jobs, homes and in extreme cases everything we have. In the case of those whose partners have severe deficits or a mixture of deficits like the stroke/dementia combination in becoming a full-time caregiver the caring partner sometimes gives up the "right" to be a seperate person and becomes 24/7 focussed on the survivors needs, often neglecting their own needs. I read as widely as I can, on the net, all the mags available at my doctors and any brochures or pamphlets I see on Stroke or Dementia. Here I read the posts, the blogs, the bios, the Newsletter Lin so efficiently edits and any other material I can get that might help me understand stroke and the effects it is having on Ray, on me and on our family. "Knowledge is power" one of our local colleges used that as it's motto, I don't ascribe to that theory but I do believe in the saying: "forewarned is forearmed" so I "arm" myself with as much information as possible so I am ready to face whatever comes along (I hope). I also share when appropriate the knowledge I have gained to help others, just as many do here. It is a comfort to be part of a world wide support group. I did a couple of hours work in the garden this afternoon and you can hardly see any improvement. There was such a spurt of growth after a week of heavy rain a fortnight ago followed by a week of sunshine and the weeds appeared as if by magic and invaded every square inch of the garden. I guess what I can't do before I go will still be here when I get back but I'd love to have the time to get rid of them all NOW. That's another one of my faults, I want it and I want it NOW! My impatience is like an ingrown toenail, I have to keep on working on it all the time! And so this may be my last blog for a couple of weeks. That does depend on whether Shirl brings her laptop home so I can check on the posts and blogs as I did last time I was away. That way the "withdrawals" will not be too severe. But I will miss you. I will miss knowing what is happening and also the warm support so many people give me. I really appreciate it so much. Of course I have some of that in real time too from close family and friends, but they are not available for a chat before breakfast ( I had breakfast and chat this morning) or late at night to help me when I can't sleep and come on to read some of the recent posts. But I will have the family and with a little bit of extra effort they should tire me out nicely. In days long ago, we sent out "thank you" letters to those who had done us a service or given us a gift. It is hardly done these days but this is a "thank you" to all who will read it, for all you have done, or for just being there.

It seems strange but the busier you are the more things seem to go wrong. I went to pick up Ray's meds today and there was a script missing! Finally tracked it down at another pharmacy where I usually get his scripts made up. It all takes time and so much emotional energy. I guess things go wrong anyway and it is a way of learning you are just a member of the human race eh? Sue.