swilkinson

Time is a great healer, and wisdom does come back into most situations eventually. Glad you and Bob got time to talk. Remember that the stroke may have happen whatever you had done so try not to play the "blame game". Life goes on whether you are happy or not. Choose to be happy. (((Hugs)) from Sue.

"Looking after Ray is getting more time consuming and I can see how people become prisoners in their own homes. It is sometimes easier to stay home than to keep putting pressure on yourself. Ray is happy on his verandah and going out is not always what he wants to do but I am the one who needs the social contact, without it I would go mad I am sure." This is a quote from a letter I just wrote to an old friend. And it is the truth. It is getting harder and harder to get Ray out now. Today he had a shower nurse come as it is Tueday. It wasn't Jeff but was a woman we have had before. I came home after my walk and thanked her and off she went. That is when I realised Ray hadn't changed into clean clothes. I hadn't had them laying on the bed for her, so she didn't change him. She didn't see he had a stain down the front of the trousers or if she did thought nothing of it. It is remembering all the things that has to be done on his behalf that is beginning to get to me now. If the respite carer asks him if he wants something to drink he says "no" but as soon as I come home he says he is thirsty. If the shower nurse asks if he wants his hair washed...clothes changed...clean socks... he says "no" so I have to change him again later if we are going to go out. As we were today, attending a funeral almost straight after lunch. This is putting more pressure on me to give the carer a list of the things needed to be done. Today's nurse said she thought Ray was doing the exercises for flexibility, I told her he is doing them to prevent falls. She said she didn't know he had falls....duh! I guess each one does not get enough time to read all the notes so doesn't really know much about the conditions of the person they are showering or looking after if they keep changing all the time. I sometimes wonder what use the respite hours are if I do the work over again myself later. Ray does very little of his own volition now. It is partly the increasing damage from the strokes and TIAs and partly the dementia causing him to lose the ability to initiate. So for most of the day I give out gentle instructions: "remember to wash your hands", "can you come to the table please?"," would you like some fruit with your cereal and then some toast?". It goes on all day until the last one:"would you like me to put the light out for you?" Despite what it sounds like it is not like having a small child as I have to treat him as my husband, friend, companion etc at the same time. If you are nodding here I know that means you have experienced the same thing with a parent, spouse or child. It is a hard line to walk sometimes when I just want to SCREAM at the slowness of it all. The funeral we attended today was for a man who turned 100 last year. We didn't know him well but have been friends with his son and family for many years so we went to share our support for them. It was a great funeral full of many happy family memories and a lot of laughter,of course there were tears shed too but he had truly died "rich in years". It is wonderful when the good memories outweigh the sadness. This is a busy week and I have a lot to fit into it to get ready to go away. This morning I took all the scripts to be made up so Ray has a fortnight's worth of medications for the respite. I suddenly remembered that my car was due for a service last week but that will have to wait until the week I come back now. There are two specialists appointments in that week too so that will be another busy week. I am beginning to wonder if there is an unbusy week ahead anywhere? Almost envious of that "shut in by snow" feeling that you have in the US in winter. Notice I said "almost"...lol. We had a nice Easter weekend. We went to a family BBQ on Saturday with our older son and his family (family picture in the Gallery) and my sister and her husband were here for afternoon tea on Sunday afternoon. Two church visits (Friday and Sunday) and a bit of a rest day on Monday...well it was a rest day for Ray... I did nothing much apart from the shopping, some laundry, a bit of gardening etc. As a caregiver there really is not such a thing as a day off. Just days when I don't do all there is to do. And that means it is still there to do later in the week. The side fence is up. The fencing contractor was clever as he just cut back my garden a bit at a time. It looked really nice over the Easter break. Today when I came home from the funeral most of it was piled on my front lawn..WAHHH!! Still I had said they could "cut it back as necessary" and it will all grow again...if I wait five years or so. The fence is a white picket fence with a brown trim, it goes the first 25 feet from the front boundary line so matches my neighbour's front fence. He is paying for it so I won't complain too much as he could have asked me to pay half. Not that he would have got the same kind of fence as he knew I would want something cheaper and less elaborate. Tomorrow I have another long list of things to do..and Thursday...and Friday. I hope to see a few people in chat as it will be my last one for a few weeks ...hopefully only two weeks away as planned. Sometimes time just passes, sometimes it flies.

Yes, Jean, from time to time we get pulled up. The future lays ahead of us but not to infinity, there is a place at which we will face the parting of the ways. And then life will be changed forever for whoever is left. We have all seen that in the lives of others, one day it will be ours to face. Glad Don lives on to be your companion and the reason for your blogging. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Ann, we once had a neighbour with a small son who was a "four o'clock screamer", regular as clockwork off he went. His screaming fits lasted half an hour or so. I used to go inside and put loud music on to drown him out. Ray's sugar has been out of whack too, I blame the change in seasons as our foods, fruits, vegs change too and that puts the balance out somehow. Sweet old ladies who "kindly" give him small easter eggs too probably don't help...lol. Good luck with the building, hope you get enough dry weather in spring to keep the builders fully employed. ((Hugs))) from Sue.

Kimmie, you will get into a routine in time. Maybe you will find with the extra chores you have less time on the computer but remember all housework is EXERCISE so you will also benefit from that. It's good when your kids do well. Nice that your son will be visiting soon. I really miss my daughter as she and family are far too far awy to drop in, particularly on holidays like Easter when I could guarantee I would have seen them on the "old days". Enjoy life as you go into spring. You can always hire a clening lady for a couple of hours if you get desperate. Sue.

Float...float......................>>>>>>>>>>>>> :friends: :secret: :cheer: :cheer: :chat: Sue :juggle:

If you were reading my blogs prior to March 2006 you would have to have been here a long time..lol. But in that period you would have read all my angst at the closing of my old church. This was more than a church building to me, it was the centre of a small community of like-minded people, a family of 25 to 30 , a place where I felt safe, welcome and to a certain degree it was also my comfort zone. The people of the church had been so supportive of Ray and I after Ray's stroke(s) that it was like losing all those people who make your life worthwhile. When it's closure was announced until it finally closed I went through a rollercoaster of emotions. Today I went to a luncheon for some of the "survivors" of this closure. I have kept in touch with most of them over the two years, a handful I was meeting up with after only seeing them once or twice since then. It was lovely to see them but the ribbons of friendship have unfurled and it was like meeting distant cousins, lovely warm people but not that essential to my everyday well-being. We had some fun and some chat and a nice bring-and-share lunch together, but it was just that, a get-together, it was not a high impact meeting. From that I concluded that I am over it now. Sorry to those I ran out on in chat today. Wow, it was so nice to see some old faces, some new faces and all of you just ready to plunge into the conversation, join in the fellowship and add to the mayhem. I love chat. And survivors, caregivers, family members etc you do know you are all welcome to any of the chats here anytime. The chat in the caregiver's room is not an exclusive chat it is an inclusive one as they all are here. And the more the merrier. If you are reading this and haven't been to chat do come and try it out, either mine or any of the afternoon or nightly chats. You will always find like-minded people there that you can bounce ideas off and there will be people who are interested in helping you out with good suggestions if you have a problem of any kind. No, we are not doctors or nurses but by heck! we are people with a lot of hands-on expereince! Ray is asleep already. He wanted to leave a while before the meeting after the lunch finished. I think seeing the people together like that stirred up some uncomfortable emotions for him and he doesn't like that feeling. As he is almost emotionless now in his attitudes it must be hard to feel something you no longer have the words to express. Maybe someone can help me out with how that feels. I know that he walked out the door and along the path leading out to the car and I had to go fetch him. He said he thought it was "time to go home" and I don't think by that he meant the time it was on the clock. Maybe that means that to a certain extent he is still caught back there, and is not really over it. Or maybe it is in a way painful for him to revisit some of those memories. Or maybe he is just tired, who knows? I am still having on-going problems with my care provider. Why they can't just roster a couple of people every week to shower Ray and one on Fridays to do his shower and the two hours of respite I can't work out. How hard can that be? Okay, I am not their only client and I know some of their workers are probably part timers but I will not accept new people walking in the door every time. I can't put up with them not knowing where the bathroom is, how to operate the shower, where to put the dirty clothing etc. I need someone who knows what Ray needs in the way of care, how his exercises contribute to his balance etc. I NEED CONTINUITY, PEOPLE I CAN TRUST TO LOOK AFTER RAY. You should be able to hear me screaming that from there...lol. Apart from that it is autumn (fall) and I am getting ready for the Easter long weekend. Trev wanted to take us to the Royal Easter Show ( like a State Fair) in Sydney but at this stage I don't want to push through the crowds to see someone demonstrate yet another appliance for washing windows or cutting down garden plants. And as for fat cattle, oversized pigs, tractors, farm sheds etc do I need to see more of them? No thanks. The arena events, the rodeo and the fireworks I could take but keeping Ray up after dark? I think not. So maybe that is another thing I will cross off the list of things we once used to do - go to the Royal Easter Show X. Still it was nice that he asked us and good that he contemplated pushing the wheelchair for me. Maybe I will find somewhere I would like to go and ask if he will take us there. For now I would just like to potter in my garden, read a book, put my feet up for a while. And that is what I will do over the weekend, if that is okay with everybody else.

Ray and I were seperated for 10 months while I completed my diploma. I would never do it again. The friends I made then I made out of a desperate effort to build a "community". Now I hate being seperated from those I love and no job would pay me enough money for that. But, Sherri, you and I are different so you have to base your decision on what you know about yourself. I know you have changed since your stroke and found some new values so maybe they are coming into play right now. I agree that six months is a good trial period but more than that, if you are still unhappy, could be a waste of the time you could spend with the people you do care about. Remember, life is short and live it well. Sue.

Kristen, while life can sometimes be HELL, there are days that are made in Heaven. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Welcome back Marty, we have missed you as usual. Sounds like you have had a really good time this time and that it was good to catch up with family etc. Our life is same ol', same ol' ....sigh. Just kidding. Sue. PS I just read some of your early blogs when you used to update us almost daily. You sure did a lot of walking in summer then. I like blogs where people describe where they live and what they do.

I just deleted a blog, I don't do that very often but I read it a few times and it didn't at all express what it is I wanted to say. So I slept on it and read it again this morning and it still looked all wrong so I deleted it. Wouldn't it be good if we could do that with the things that go wrong in our lives....lol. On Wednesday an old friend rang me. She had had a visit from the son of an old neighbour on Sunday. She has looked after the neighbour, just in small ways, for a few years since his wife died. The son rarely visits him and had come across to tell my friend how much he valued what she does for his Dad. He said he is so busy, gets very little time off and therefore can't do much for his Dad. He then proceeded to tell her about a two month trip around the world he has planned for the European summer. At that stage my friend saw RED, but being the lady she is kept her temper until the visitor left. She left it a few days and then rang me on the point of exploding. I have been a helper all my life, I was trained by my parents to run messages for neighbours, to help out with cleaning the church, then when I was 17 as part of the committee in the local teen club, then in various other ways. I've minded children without pay, looked after sick neighbours etc. The only time I have actually had a material reward was after a funeral the family of one of my neighbours sent me a big bouquet of flowers which was very thoughtful of them. I didn't help people expecting a reward, my Mum and Dad insisted that we help without expecting pay, based on the old traditional belief that our reward was to come in the hereafter. Of course. But it is NICE if the person you are doing things for appreciates it. That is an added bonus. I have had a lot of help since Ray's strokes, not from people who I guess I would have thought "owed" Ray some help in return for what he had done for them. But unexpectedly from people I hardly considered friends, just pleasant acquaintances. The shower room built by our friends from Apex40 is a good example. After Ray had the fall at the beginning of last year they asked was there anyway they could help us. I said we were having trouble with the bathroom and before I knew it the shower room idea was concieved and put into operation, and now we have the benefit of that every time Ray has a shower. We all vent from time to time about those who do not step up to the plate and help out. Those siblings or children who could help but don't. But very few of us write blogs or posts applauding those who do help us out. There are not a lot of friends and neighbours listed in the "100 things I am grateful for after the stroke" but they deserve a space there if they have helped in your recovery as a survivor or helped with your survivor as a caregiver. In some cases it is neighbours that form the backbone of support teams and help out when friends and family members fail to come in and help. Not exactly fair but it is what happens sometimes. I have been guilty myself of saying: "Mum and Dad are old but not a lot of trouble as they have excellent neighbours" what kind of dreamworld was I living in? I worked and I popped in and saw my parents a couple of times a week, maybe doing a few odd jobs for them but prior to them coming to live with me I had no idea of how much "looking after" the neighbours were doing when I was totally unaware of it. So I am as guilty as the rest of relying on others when I should have been the one providing the help. But even now, with Mum in the Dementia Lodge and Ray receiving various services that keep us going I need to be aware of the need to say thank you to all those who help us. There is the pay of course for the paid workers but it is also nice to be thanked. Ray always says: "Thank you for all you have done." to the workers as they go. It is one of the really nice things about him. Be nice if he remembered to thank me too but that's another story...lol. So this is what I originally wanted to say, sometimes we give, sometimes we receive. Of course we are MAD when the amount of time and money we have expended is not appreciated. And sometimes we need to express that. But we also need to express thanks to those who help us. So to all here who provide this site and those who provide support to me: Thank you very much. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Donna, sad that your brother is behaving like this but men on the whole don't like to feel like the meat in the sandwich. My advice is to carry on as if you and Kristi lived independently and start building up a base of activities to keep you busy. There must be plenty to do in that big city. We once had two adopted kittens that played endlessly. One wanted a human to play with the other just wanted something that moved and that was hilarious to watch as we had a big tree that dropped leaves on a windy day and that cat performed moves that would have been the envy of gymnasts everywhere. What happy memories they give us. And a break from more complex relaionships...lol. St Patick's day was my (late)Dad'd birthday to the delight of his Irish father so is a very special time for us too. But just go wild with the green food coloring and have your own party! Perhaps a Guiness or two might help...lol. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

:happy new yea: :happybday: :happydance: :happydance: :happydance: Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear EDEE Happy Birthday to you. Hey, we have had some similar nights out, but it is usually throwing up or diarrhoea that spoils it for us. I guess in the end you just do what you do and whatever happen, happens. I do admire your courage in all that you and Andrew did for your Mum. You both did very well. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Thank you, dear friends, for your affirmation. Beauty must be in the eye of the beholder. And remember if I am beautiful so are all of you also. George Clooney did not turn up for the date, but I heard my husband say :"I love you too." as our daughter always ends her calls with :"I love you." and he said it back to her. We are loved even when no-one says it to us. I am sure there are many brighter days ahead. Hopefully there will be a long mild Indian summer now before we plunge into winter. (((Hugs))) to you all. Sue.

Kristen, you don't know how much we missed you and how nice it is to have you back. You are like family. I still have a smile when I visualise Patrick's first time driving. You will be a nervous wreck and he will be smiling like a fool! I like a teacher that rings to sing your son's praises, only ever had one of those, the compassionate kind. The others thought if there was a problem I should fix it. I used to tell them I'd just add it to the bottom of my long list. Settle back in here and keep us updated. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Jean, "Plumbing 101" rang some bells for me, but Ray's comment was "I don't know" everytime I asked him a question! So me, the non-building contractor, fixed our leaking cistern by binding a plastic spoon handle to the broken piece and it worked again. Thank goodness for that! I have to be carefuL of the appearance of Shrew-lady too as she appeArs when I am right at the edge of Frustration Peak and ready to jump into the yawning mouth of the volcano. I realise there is no other cure sometime except to blow the top off the volcano so the lava level can fall again. Always nice when you write us another peek into your world. Sue.

Janice, dearest, I am sure poeple in Iowa are just like people everywhere, good, bad and indifferent. I am sure glad you blog occassionally as being one of the "old crowd" I might think you were not with it anymore. That is obviously not the case. Hurray! I guess after the first few years post stroke life gets very sam'ol, same 'ol and there is not a lot to blog about. I just natter on about whatever is in my mind and if people want to read it okay...if not???? Give us another offical update on hubby and family when you get the chance. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

"You are so beautiful and I love you" says a soft voice. I look into his blue eyes and he takes my hand in his and gives me a loving smile. This would be wonderful if it was the man of my dreams but we are in Mum's dementia lodge and the man who is holding my hand is a resident. He was once a high ranking government official and he is doing and saying what he is because for some reason I remind him of someone he once loved. Aww geewhiz. At least someone loves me. Not a great week this week. I feel as if I am on the boil all the time, as if just under the surface is a geizer about to pop. Yes, I did have the three day break but I had the visitors too so I guess that negated the "rest and relaxation" idea of the time off. I haven't been able to get to my dementia support group for a couple of meetings nor the stroke support meetings so somehow I feel "unsupported" again. It is back to "Mum can handle it", "Sue you cope so well" etc. I tell others how to fix their problems while my own unravel at the edges. Ray is fine for a while with the dementia and then suddenly seems to have forgotten one or two things. He is almost emotionless now. As I sat in Nareen Lodge and listened to the protestations of love I wondered how long it was since Ray has said "I love you". Maybe a couple of years, maybe more. He was never an emotionally expressive person, he was a practical person and once said he didn't have to say: "I love you" as I could tell by all the little things he did to please me. So now, long out of the habit, the words are locked away somewhere in the past. I have been having a "discussion" with my care provider. They have decided as an Agency that you have to "trust the service, not the person" so the nice male nurse we had has been reassigned and we have various people walking in and out of our house. This also means I lose the first twenty minutes of my hour while I tell them where everything is, what they have to do etc. It also means greater confusion with Ray as they rarely say their names often enough for him to figure out who they are. I wish I could say I don't need the service and scrap it, but if I had to shower him every day and went without the three hours respite on Fridays I would probably be in the next room to my dear demented mother. I have as usual been trying to find positives in all of this. Hmmmmm....thinking...thinking.... I went to a "Womens World Day of Prayer" service this morning. I chatted with a few ladies I don't get enough time to talk to after church. By the time I have taken Ray to the toilet and settled him with a cup of tea and some refreshments the others are settled in little groups and I don't like to try and break in. I also saw a few other familiar faces from other denominations, funnily enough we often bump into each other at functions and funerals. Even with 350,000 people on our coastal strip that is possible. It is good to be in the company of other Christian women. Not that that is where my friendship base is as I have friends from all sorts of backgrounds and from many different places. I am so lucky that way. I also met the "new" Captain of our local Salvation Army and told him about my two Captains slaving away in the service up at Cairns. I think he was quite interested as this is his third posting and so far he hasn't left New South Wales. He has two children and his wife was a pre-school helper this morning which was why he had taken her place to come and do the Bible readings at the service. Like our two they form a "tag team" and work around family engagements. Maybe this period of my life is teaching me to live more "in the moment". I have less and less free time now. When I do have free time I don't always know what to do with it. Hard to get to a class when your hour off is 8.15am - 9.15am, or to meet up with friends when you may be held up or have to cancel at a moment's notice. So I have to live life in a way that suits me, in the moments that are not committed to looking after Ray. In the afternoon when he is asleep I can come onto the net, pull up weeds in the garden, read a couple of chapters of a book. Little things that make me feel as if there is small amounts of leisure in my life. Now maybe tonight I will dream someone is saying: "You are so beautiful and I love you." But maybe not a strange man in his pajamas, but George Clooney at his lounge lizard best.

Kimmie, we have a service provider and all of a sudden it is "we can only do from ten till noon on Friday, Tuesday's nurse may be late etc etc" so I know how "unreliable" feels. I'm in favor of you giving up smoking too, easy for me to say eh? Kidney stones can be caused by over the counter products like vitamin and mineral supplements so remember to tell the specialist ALL of the substances you are using, prescibed and non-prescribed. Hope you get it all straightened out soon. Sue.

I have a new neighbour two doors over. I said a few words to her last week, another few sentences yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon I was dressing to go to our Lions dinner and there was a knock on the back door. There stood my new neighbour with two glasses of wine. She said she needed to talk to me desperately and it seemed she did. She is taking a course in "Caring for the Aged" and had just hit the subject of DEATH. It had really pushed all her buttons and she was a mess. She had come home to her two kids and burst into tears. I guess there is more to it than that. I only had half an hour so I gave her a potted version of my encounters with counselling and death both as a telephone counsellor and as a hospital chaplain. I explained the "take a step back" theory which helps with counselling the family straight after the event ( it is "their" grief, not yours, you are just assisting them with it) and she seemed ok. She does her first day of "pratical education" on Friday and was sure she would stuff it up. I made all the usual encouraging comments. Luckily a phone call cut us short or I would have been late for dinner. I have an idea it is an ongoing dialogue though. I have a couple more people from Dementianet interested in ringing me occassionally. I don't mind as long as it is after 9.30pm as Ray is in bed by then and I can concentrate on what they are telling me. I am in no way a counsellor, here or anywhere else, I am sure that is obvious. But I do have a lot of experience, both because of my age and the life I have lead. The two main areas, stroke and dementia I can only base on my own experiences dealing with stroke and vascular dementia with Ray, Alzheimers with Mum. Mostly people just need to vent, and maybe have someone to bounce their ideas off. Either way I am willing to spend an hour doing that. Ray has been "off" the last couple of days, his sugar reading has risen, he looks worried, frowns etc. He has also been much slower ( if that is possible) and quite unco-operative. He hasn't expressed any new concern but then he doesn't talk much now. As usual the complaints begin: "It is all very well for you..." He also seems to want to just sit, sit and sit some more, not good for his walking, balance etc and says he isn't sleeping although he snored most of last night. I will leave it a few days and if it continues maybe go to the doc for an opinion. He has had recent bloodwork and I don't think he has a fever so...???? Maybe it is impossible to counsel those you love and are closest to. Trev has had problems at work and although I have made some suggestions it is not really appreciated. He too just wants to vent, he probably knows what the answers to his problems are and doesn't need me to fix them, just to make sympathetic noises. As he works with ex-drug addicts this probably explains why there always seems to be arguments etc and it is harder for them all to work together as a team. It is good work if you have good results but sometimes frustrating when all you see is the same old problems surfacing. The days are cooler this week and so are the nights. There are signs that it is autumn (fall) already and so it may be a long cold winter. I hope it is not too cold as our open plan house is hard to heat and so I "spot heat", just warm up the room we are using. This means leaving Ray mostly in our living room and taking meals etc to him. It also means less time on the verandah, more time in the chair or on the bed. So I wll have to work out how to get him to exercise inside instead of on the verandah on the colder mornings. I also need a means of warming the shower room as it is on the outside wall of the house, unlike the actual bathroom which is in the middle of the house. I have extended to a lot of people on my email list an offer to have them visit me in March. I was hoping to generate some interest in coming to see us, particularly for people related to Ray, that way. He is so much more confident here in his own home. With the dementia he is getting to the stage where going to a new place, meeting new people etc seems to send him into confusion so while he is still "okay" with visitors I would like to have some of his cousins etc come to see us here. By the response I have had so far I guess I am pushing my luck. It is two years now since we went on that last bus trip. We did two a year for six years, they varied in length from 5 - 14 days and we saw some wonderful places. It was obvious on the last one that we were too slow to even keep up with the eighty year olds. Such a pity as it was a life enhancing experience for me, a window onto the rest of the world. Now if we go anywhere I drive. If it is further than a couple of hours drive Ray gets agitated. It is partly a toiletting issue and I think partly a feeling that life is out of control for him. Here is his world, a small space where he feels safe. He can still do church, Lions dinners, the local shopping centre and a few other places. But in any new place the agitation appears, he is clumsy, frowns a lot, chokes on his food etc. I hesitate to even go on day trips now. I'm listening to the rosellas arguing in the trees, they have a series of screeches probably music to the ears of other rosellas a bit harsh on my ears. Because of the late rain we also have a lot of late blossom and they are very busy, being honey eaters. There is a joy in hearing the sounds of nature around. I'm listening with my heart and drinking it into my soul.

Donna, God gave Kristi something no-one else has. YOU. And you are doing your best with what you have. That will increase now that you have given up smoking and more money wil be available for housekeeping etc. Remember that trying to reason with an unreasonable person is an act of futility. Don't try any more. Kristi will probably try from time to time as she is young and optimistic. That is okay. The encounters will teach her wisdom. Your brother is maybe just feeling the burden of being caught between all these women...lol. So give him a break and see how it goes. (((Hugs))) from Sue. PS you can comfort me in June/July when I have the winter blahs!

Babs, I just hung those wings up behind the bedroom door. The halo is a bit bent but I straightened it out a bit and I think it is wearable. Never mind, your thoughts are safe with us. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

Babs, you just passed the exam for the "Is she a REAL WOMAN" test. You are not an angel, you are a real red blooded woman with hopes, fears, feelings and frailties. You are not overly patient, or too good for this earth. You are REAL. You say Eddie is so well but methinks you may still be treating him as a special case. Are you treating him as you would a normal, healthy husband when he starts to complain and blame you for things? If not. try treating him like a real husband. When he comes at you with complains or insults stand your ground, say something like: "What you are saying is not true Eddie and I will not be spoken to like that." and walk out of the room. If he follows you tell him to find something constructive to do, you have other things to do right now. You must have done something like this before he had the strokes so really do know how to handle him. It is hard when you suddenly realise you are retired and this is it, sometimes worse, not better, often poorer, not richer. Like me you may not be able to plan too far ahead. But you have to do the best you can as this IS the rest of your life and you need to enjoy it. Maybe find someone to talk to, a counsellor, a friend, someone who has retired and seems to be enjoying life. I do this from time to time and try to adjust my thinking. I have cared for Ray for eight years and may do so for many years to come. I can't afford to put the whole of my life on hold because of his disabilities, so I have to enjoy what I CAN do, day by day. It isn't easy but it is doable. (((Hugs))) from Sue.