swilkinson

:friends: :friends: :friends: Sue.

:friends: :friends: :friends: Sue.

Mel, glad things have calmed down for you. We all have emotional break-outs sometimes. No marriage is perfect and that keeps it interesting! Take time to be together is my take on the issue, sometimes we women get too caught up in doing stuff to spend enough time being with our man. That is pretty important because if we are not there to listen and care someone else can slip in. I know this is not the time and place to give advice and I am not a marriage counsellor so just leave you with some warm ((hugs)). :friends: :friends: Sue.

Well? How did it go? Hanging out for all the details. :cocktail: :happydance: :gleam: :cloud9: Sue. :chat:

Sharon, life is a cycle, so we are sad, mad, happy, cheerful, sad etc. I guess all you can do is empathise where you can, sympathise where you can, and encourage people to look on the bright side of life. Through Ray's hospitalisation friends have sent me a lot of fun emails in the hopes I'll get a laugh out of them. Some have phoned, some have sent cards and letters to Ray. It all helps. It all says they care. I think just being there for people and expressing your concern for them is the best any of us can do. If you are a praying person do that too. Hope things cheer up soon. Sue.

..."If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh. This is how I feel about my friends right now. Coming to terms with losing them one at a time is so hard for me. This afternoon I learned of two more deaths, not close friends but cheerful older acquaintances both from our bowling days. If things come in threes I guess that is it. And this is late summer, not even winter, the peak season for death. As long as there are good friends and family close by I can manage. Without them whatever would we do? Sue.

Just recently I have been caught up in what we used to call "cat fights" in other words fall-outs between women friends. I say friends in that I have known these two women most of my married life, maybe thirty years or more. They are neighbours and friends. Just lately for an unknown reason their friendship has changed and one of them rang me early this morning to say she hated how I backed "X" up and how dare I? This upset me to say the least. But then I am a woman and I can be over-sensitive. ME? YES! So I was a bit blue when I fired up my computer then who should pop into my screen on Messenger but Bessy! She was her normal cheerful self and I thought what a contrast to my other two friends. Thank goodness there is always someone to cheer me when I am down, someone to support me when I am weak, and here in real time, someone to call me on the phone or pull me up in a shopping centre to say "hello". What would I do without acquaintances, friends and family? I rang my daughter early this morning to see how her husband was. He is just back home after a kidney stone operation and she said mostly sleeping still as he was weakened by the whole episode. She is glad to have him home at least to advise her as she struggles to look after the family, the home and the needs of her Salvation Army Corps. She is only new in town so is having to rely on the ministry from people she hardly knows but that is okay too. Angels come to us in all shapes, sizes and guises. I just got back from an old friends funeral. He was an invalid for many years. His nephew said he had all the illnesses you would find in a medical book and a few more they haven't discovered yet and that is about the truth but he rode his scooter through his neighbourhood dressed as Santa handing out treats to the kids, sang with our Lions Club's singing group in retirement villages and nursing homes and sold tickets not only to benefit our Club but other charity organizations too. What we here call "a good bloke". Helping others is sometimes frowned upon or laughed at now. We are "God botherers" or "do gooders" yet without those who are charitable and give of themselves and their time where would the poor, the down-on-their-luck, the abandoned and the lonely be? Charity dollars have to be raised by someone in every community. Thinking about all this makes me think I have to do more in my community. I know I have Ray to look after and that is a big job, but there is also in me a tendency to make it an excuse. "OH I'd love to help but I have Ray you know." so I wave my hand at him sitting in the wheelchair and sail off on my shopping trip. But that is not always the whole truth. Like everyone else I have 24 hour days and like everyone else I choose what I will do with them. So I can find some time to lend a helping hand, if I really want to. So maybe I need to work out how I can achieve this. We are after all friends to those in need. A friend to the poor, the weak, the lonely, those who need support. For at some time or other that describes us. We have all been in need of help ourselves. Just being here on Strokenet proves that. We all need support so we find it in the company of others. That doesn't make us "do gooders" does it? It just makes us human with all the usual human failings. Every one of us is frail in some area of our lives, just as each of us is strong enough to hold out a hand and help others. It has to be a two-way exchange. I thought of the "cat fight" when I saw the old friends sister-in-law and remembered that she went to school with my sister. A recollection of her and another five year old charging at each other in the playground and tumbling over and over in the dust came to my mind. She is probably still passionate about some issues and that makes for a little conflict in life sometimes. Think it over and see if the occassional "cat fight" doesn't leave us licking our wounds but also looking for a reason why what we say and do sometimes brings out the worst in others. I wish for you all, good friends, and the blessings that come from serving and supporting others.

Ken I have had a lot of fun filling in my family tree. Even found some very nice fourth cousins who live in the US. Now I have a few I email and it is like a new extended family. Glad to hear you are out of your dark tunnel once more and raring to go. Keep up the exercise, keep interested in life and everything seems brighter. You've got a lot to live for. Nice your kids are doing so well too. Ray had a new AFO made last week, his leg muscles had got smaller and the old one became too loose so the prothetisist from the hospital fitted him with another one. It all contributes to his well-being. His date to come home is 26th so if nothing else happens he will be back on the front verandah soon. Sue.

Hollywood! That's my guess if you have movie-star glasses. Unless the sneakers were the clue and it is Venus Beach. IF it was a warm coat and hiking boots I would have chosen the Rockies. Or a bikini and a lei of flowers and a surfboard... Hawaii. I know I am rambling...lol. Maybe that icon of someone holding playing cards is the clue...Viva Las Vegas! Wherever you go I hope you have heaps of fun. Sue ( at the end of another lovely sunny day).

February is the last month of summer and often the hottest month of summer too. From the end of February days start to seem shorter. Today was a good day - hot, not much breeze but a lovely blue-skied summer's day. Even in the late afternoon as I drove home from visiting Ray the sun was still hot through the car windows. If there had been anyone who I thought was right to ask I would have phoned a friend and gone to the beach. But sadly a lot of my present friends are older and probably batheing at after 4pm is not a part of their agenda. The boys have gone to Sydney, my neighbourhood seemed too quiet. Alas a Saturday night alone is my lot today. I will be glad when Ray is home and the trips over and back are finished. I am just hanging in there right now. At the family conference on Thursday a discharge date of February 26th was proposed. Hopefully we will have the occupational therapist who also assesses home safety come here with Ray on Tuesday and make suggestions of anything further we need to change and then the following Monday I will bring him home. I know this is not going to be easy, he isn't strong, is frailer than I'd like and I know it will be a battle for the first few weeks. But home is where he should be. Ray had three visitors today, I was there for an hour and had him in wheelchair out in the back courtyard and my sister and her husband came. They had been on a lovely trip across the mouth of the Brisbane Waters and over to the northern suburbs of Sydney by ferry. They had an hour's stroll around the foreshore and caught the ferry back. They ate at a little restaurant near the ferry terminal. It was a perfect day for such a trip and I did feel a tiny twinge of envy. But like a spark from a distant bushfire I jumped on it quickly before it could catch hold. Life is the way it is, and ferry trips wouldn't seem to be in the travel plans any time soon. Ray is now walking on the quad cane with single assist. He transferred from the chair to the wheelchair and back again with just some instructions from the nurse, she didn't hold on to him. He seemed confident about it. He was quiet and did not join in the conversation a lot when he had the three of us there but did talk to me a bit on my own. That is I talked and he responded but his responses are minimal now, he rarely ventures an opinion or initiates a conversation. That could be the dementia rather than the stroke damage. It is a long way from how life was even a few years ago and I am really feeling that now. How it is to be lonely but not alone. The week has gone fast I had one day at home, busy all the others. There was a garage sale (yard sale) to raise funds for our Lions Club this morning and I put in four hours selling books, it is not a big money earner but I did sell a lot of them. Only had three out of eight boxes full to repack when I had finished. I resisted the urge to buy a heap for myself and just brought two home. How is that for restraint! There were plenty of customers in the first couple of hours but it slowed down after that. Who wants to be inside when the day was so glorious? Next week we bury one of the most popular of our Lions Club members. Col had been in a wheelchair for many years. He had a large four wheeled scooter and was a familiar figure in our local shopping centre. He was a mighty seller of raffle tickets, a singer with our Club's singing group and a joker renown for his one liners. He could do a Louis Armstrong impression that brought tears to the eyes of old ladies at the nursing homes, clubs etc where our Club sings. They applauded loudly after he sang "Hello Dolly" or "It's a wonderful world". There is only one Col and on Wednesday we will farewell him with some tears I guess. Ray is sorry he can't be there as he and Col were pals of many years standing. So the hot days will soon slip away. The rains will come, hopefully soon, and wash down the dust from the trees, the bush will green up again as the worst of the bushfire season will be over. As you northerners slip into Spring we will slide into Autumn or fall as you call it. Each season has it's own sweetness. There will be shorter days but we will be outside enjoying them more. Ray will once more be out on his own front verandah, reading a Readers Digest Condensed book and gazing at the traffic on the distant main road as I bustle around cooking, cleaning, doing the housework. And I guess being at his beck and call. With each day there is much to be grateful for. Sue.

Hey Anne, are you and I sisters? My set answer to the question: "How are you?" is "Fine thank you". My set answer to do I need a helping hand is:"No thanks, I can manage." Neither answer is particularly truthful but it saves long explanations. We all need help, but it is usually very specific help and that is the difficulty. BUT you have diabetes and I have a liver problem and both become worse when we are stressed. SO if we want to live to be old and see the grandchildren grow up etc we have to find the kind of help we need to de-stress our very busy lives. I just came home from visiting Ray and rang three friends hoping to have a chat and degbrief. Not one was home so I had a cry because I felt lonely and then came on here. You are right that this is a great support site but we also need a hug from a real friend sometimes too, even if it does make us cry. Think about the kind of help you need and search it out, it will give you and Baz a better life. Sue.

Bill I like the thought of Bud out in the snow making dog angels. We don't have snow here but my grand daughter lays down on the sand at the beach and I draw around her with a stick and then she flaps her arms to make the wing prints and that is a sand angel. Good to read your blog and see you are doing okay my friend. Sue.

Good for you. It takes a lot of exercise before you notice any changes. But with effort you do suddenly notice the difference. From a limited distance to walking the mall is such a good improvement. And isn't it great to be able to participate in real life again? Ray is being discharged on the 26th February after his rehab is "completed" ( I guess that is the nice way of saying "time's up!") and I am hoping to find a way of keeping up his exercises. I know he has lost some flexibility but I will try to keep him as fit as I can. Maybe he will agree to go to the hydrotherapy pool again. Nice to see you blogging again. Sue.

Now Ray has been at Woy Woy for a while I am getting used to the drive there and back. I pass a few suburbs rather than go through them but there is a lot to see. It is as familiar to me as most of the routes of my life having done it so many times in 1999, again for four weeks in 2000 and 2001. There haven't been a lot of changes so I can almost do it with my eyes shut. I keep them open though as it has tricky bits, like school zones, buses turning and a few busy roundabouts. Today I came on here and talked to some lovely people in Caregiver Chat, had some lunch and went to visit Ray. I knew there would be other visitors as one of his second cousins called to say she and her husband would meet us there. This is a couple we have been involved with for many years and yet sometimes might have only seen them every second year. It depended on where we moved to. She went to the same school as Ray and lived just up the road when he was growing up so they have a lot of shared memories. I got there first, spent some time repacking his clothes drawer and cupboard hanging space. It is one of those things a wife does, she rearranges the clothes in your closet. It is part of the job. Ray wears a clean outfit every day and every night so there is always plenty of clothes to bring home. That is part of what a husband does, makes dirty clothes so his wife can wash them. I say all of this with a smile on my face knowing some of you will disagree. But that is the way it is here right now. It is the small issues that tell Ray that I love him, clean clothes, a piece of fruit, news of friends and family. It all means much more than a rose on St Valentine's Day. Then when they came we had a long, long chat. Nurses came and took blood, tested Ray's sugar, filled glasses with water and gave him meds and he didn't care, we just all went on talking as if they didn't come there. Funny how that happens sometimes, it is like being in a special place . Don't know why we hardly experience that feelings other than on occassions like today. Maybe it is because the visitors have made a special effort to slow their day down to our speed. The rest of the visit after they had gone we just rehashed what we had said and heard. I used to do this with my kids, go back over what had happened. It seems to stay sharper in your mind that way. Ray had had a visitor earlier in the day but he couldn't remember who so we played twenty questions until he remembered it was an old friend a minister from another denomination. Don't know how he found out Ray was there but he just called in for a visit. Ray remembered it was a friend from the past but wasn't sure of who he was. It doesn't matter how hard he tries confusion seems part of his everyday life now. On the way home I sang a little to pass the time. Traffic was slow in places as the workers made their way home, after five o'clock is busy even on the back roads. As I approached a country village not far from here I slowed as a fire truck backed out onto the road and went off with it's lights flashing. The "tannoy" was still blaring, no-one had remembered to turn it off. Then in the trees on the next block I saw an amazing sight. Two trees were full of "fairies", small girls in pink bodices and tutus from a nearby dance academy had climbed the trees to watch the fire truck go by. In the late afternoon sun their clothes sparkled and seemed to give them a dream-like appearance. How blessed we are to live in a world that is still full of surprises. Ray is getting better. Today his high armed walker was replaced by a quad stick and he can walk with only one person to assist now and doesn't need another person to follow with the wheelchair. But his sugar reading was much higher than it should have been and he has frequent urination problems again. It is all a process. Healing is the aim, home the destination. ,

Mary, happy or sad it is all a part of your life so we are interested in it. I don't think we ever get to the stage of acceptance where there is not a lingering regret or two, just the pity parties get less frequent or are sooner over. There will always be another little goal to aspire to, but remember that not making it doesn't make you less of a person. Good to hear you have been swimming and meeting up with others. But comparing them to yourself post-stroke probably isn't a good comparison so try not to go there, compare yourself to what you were and how far you have come. Always good to read another blog from your small island...lol. Sue.

Amy, family are part of our roots, our shared memories. They were the people who we were closest to as we learned all the important lessons in life, who loved us and supported us. We may grow out of the town we lived in but never over the precious memories it contained for us. (((hugs)) from Sue.

Ken , try and get out and about as much as you can. I know you want to walk but a wheelchair can be your "chariot" until then. I do admire your determination to walk but don't miss out on the good things in life in the meantime. Ray and I would not have done half the things we have if he didn't consent to use the wheelchair for distances and busy places like shopping centres. Ray also goes to Daycare which gives him new companions and me a break. It's not about age it's about ability now. I don't know what his ability will be like when he comes home again, but whatever it is we will cope. I am glad you are able to continue with Lions but don't mourn the past and all you used to be able to do, we all have to move on from that. As you live in such a lovely area take advantage of a picnic by the river, a day in the mountains or a dinner out as much as you can. It will lighten your mood and brighten up your caregiver's life too. Believe me when I say I love a day out even though it is a lot of trouble planning one. Cheers mate, Sue.

Thanks for the inspiring essay, you are so right in what you say. We all limit ourselves by our "no can do" attitudes. I'm glad that your winter is getting milder and making it easier to achieve the goal of going for those walks. If you set out on any journey it improves your life. Too true that we let circumstances rule our lives, leaving us feeling "out of control" when we could improve our circumstances with a little effort. Maybe you step-mom-in-law is right and every five years we should strive on renovating, not for a new kitchen, but a "new me". Hope your year continues to improve. Sue.

A friend took me to Woy Woy to see Ray today, he was fine. He has finished reading a book in large print I left him at the beginning of last week. I'll have to find him another. The light is not good enough for reading the books he reads here. I think the last two days he has looked more tired than he was last week, maybe he is walking further now and that is showing. I'll ring tomorrow and find out if Friday is a suitable day for the family conference as it suits my daughter-in-law best. Sue.

Today was not a good day, not a bad day, just a different day. I think I must have been getting complacent about going over to see Ray because today fate stepped in and I nearly didn't get there. I got half way and realised I had left the bananas at home so I stopped at a fruit stall and when I got back into the car, it wouldn't start. ARRRRGHH! But dragonslayer number one appeared a man in overalls who asked the usual question: "You okay love?" Yes, love was fine, but the car won't start. He used up his expertise and then rang my roadside assistance service provider. Enter dragonslayer number two, a large fellow who did all the tests you do to a car that doesn't go, battery, fuel lines,fuses etc. The car obligingly turned over but would not go. Declaring it beyond his expertise he called in a tow truck. This is free because of the annual fee I pay so no worries. I do think a tow truck is a wonderful thing, I've ridden in a few over the years and it is always a thrill. There is really something special about sitting up in the front with the car that is being rescued either up on the tray or bouncing along behind. Where are we going? Back to the company I bought it from. Dragonslayer number three is going to his bucks party on Saturday, he happily told me about his fiancee, his wedding plans, where he was going on his honeymoon. Keep the olds occupied and keep them from worrying. I must say that my motor repairer was less than happy at having my crippled car deposited at their outlet but yes, they do hold my warranty, no they can't get to it until Monday, no they will not provide me with a courtesy car. No dragonslayers here, they probably feed them secretly at night when no-one is watching. Enter the princess, well my daughter-in-law actually who I rang to rescue me, she phoned my son and between them they took me to Woy Woy to see Ray and home for dinner. Son no 2 brought me home. So I got to play with my grandchildren and some of the tension of the day slipped away. Alex particularly tonight seemed to delight in fascinating Granma. Certainly made at least part of the day seem okay. While at Woy Woy I did manage to speak to the intern who is registrar for the treating doctor. Seems Ray has quite a few minor problems that they will have to try and fix before he comes home. She said some of it is due to the strokes, some of it due to diet, some of it due to age (HEY he is only 64 please!). I have asked for a family conference next week after I get the car back, I will try to get one of my sons and possibly my daughter-in-law there too as many minds together can think of more questions to ask and take in the information more thoroughly. I sometimes get sidetracked at these conferences and don't look at the "big picture". I won't get the car back until Wednesday at the earliest so time to call in a few favours. I have had a few people ask me if there is anything they can do so, yes, they can drive me around a bit. And maybe see Ray for a while on Tuesday when I won't get there. I will see how sincere they were when offering help. I know not everyone can help at a specific time but that can be overcome sometimes. In the meantime I will pray that whatever is wrong with the car is covered by the warranty! PS Ray was pleased to see our son, not worried about me but glad I had brought clean pajamas.

Hey! I will be 60 in June so we were born in a good year. I agree learning to celebrate success is important and to recognise changes, both good and bad as part of a normal life. Though having said that - I still vent about change sometimes. Sure there are people better off or worse off than you or me but we all have to live in our own reality. Congratulations on joining the blogging community with four blogs! Sue.

Linnie you are so brave! I am the caregiver not the survivor but traffic sometimes has me in a panic. Just the thought of city driving sets me quivering like a jelly. Welcome to the blog community. It is a place for letting go of all those unsaid thoughts. I use mine to look at what has happened and try to make some sense of it. Look forward to reading more on how you cope. Sue.

Living and breathing is good. Enjoying life is better but probably a little way down the track. :Clap-Hands: :welcome: Welcome to the blogging community. It will be nice to learn more about you and your experiences in life. Sue. :chat:

It is strange to visit Ray at Woy Woy Rehabilitation Unit. It is like going back to 1999 in a way as he spent so long there then. It is all so familiar. In 1999 he came in on a stretcher and walked out three months later. We know each recovery is a miracle as we know that so many don't recover. They have had people that didn't walk out but were shunted back to another hospital to await nursing home placement. That was one of my fears for Ray this time. Today Ray had five visitors at once. I took a friend with me. Her husband died last year after a battle with heart disease and then a couple of strokes and a series of TIAs took him into an early grave, he was 73 but had been on forced retirement since he was 55. She is slowly making a new life for herself now. She said she has been shredding a lifetime of accumulated documents related to his illness, all the old xrays, all the old medical reports. This is all part of moving on. She came with me today to keep me company which was nice. Another couple from our stroke support group WAGS who live close by came in just after we arrived. Bill has had a brainstem stroke so his body sometimes lets him down and he has some difficulty with walking but his mind and personality are intact. He was telling us he had gone fishing and managed to fall into shallow water. He said he had a problem with that as he could either swim or breathe, couldn't do both at once now! He had us laughing with his description of how he emptied the water out of his hollow walking sticks! He has a slow speech but a wonderful turn of phrase and his face beams with good humour. His wife is a nursing professional so she still works part-time. She went off and got us all coffee. I didn't know that was possible but she did it. We all settled down for a long talk. I could see Ray was having some trouble following the conversation but it didn't matter, he was joining in and enjoying it so much! Then another member of WAGS came and he lit up all over again. It is so good to just sit around and talk - does it matter what about? and just enjoy time with a group of people. I often wonder why families can't take an illness as simply being a part of a person's life and act like those visitors did today. What is so hard about sitting near a person in bed, talking in a normal voice, maybe making a few quiet jokes, telling some old stories? Ray and Bill's wife had even worked in the same workplace though at different times so we had stories to relate of times there, Ray told a bit and I filled in the gaps when his memory failed him. Hey! it all seemed so perfectly NORMAL!! So why can't his family manage to get together and do the same thing? We had thunder and lightning oobviously a storm approaching so that broke the party up after an hour or so. Ray seemed a bit tired today too. The walking practice is going well now he said, he goes up and around the corridors twice a day plus his walks to the dining room for breakfast, lunch and dinner. His two new room mates seem okay and have been talking to him. Neither has had a recent stroke though one had a stroke years ago and has just had surgery on one wrist and shoulder as he has damaged them propelling his wheelchair. That is another situation I hadn't thought of before. The thunder and lightning are past now. We did have a sprinkle of rain, not enough to do more than green up the grass but rain is always welcome in a hot summer if only to cool down the evening air enough so we all get a good night's sleep.

Kristen, it is a sad time for you all. Sometimes to pray for peace at the end of a long life is all you can do. Tell you step-daddy there are a lot of prayers covering your family at this time. ((((hugs)))from Sue.