swilkinson

Yes we had a super Christmas Fa-la- la- la- la, la la la la And it was tiring, fun, full of family and far too much food. So I didn't have much sleep Christmas night and I did have heaps of indigestion medicine and many drinks of water and not a lot of comfort but at least now I feel less like a washing machine tumbling the chocolates, turkey, prawns, chicken etc that I ate and ate and ate. It was purely a self-inflicted injury this time. Is it too late at 3am to repent of all that food I ate that I shouldn't have gone near? The day started out less than promising, we had some drizzle Sunday morning and torrential rain on Sunday afternoon. I was fearful of my Sydney family travelling mid-afternoon in what would have been pouring rain, making road slippery and visibility bad. As it turned out they managed to miss most of it and arrived exhausted but happy about 5.30pm. We had prepared a lot of food between us, Trev being the chef and me the kitchen helper. I wanted to cook enough food for three days but realised our refrigerator would not hold it all so we cooked enough for a couple of meals at least. It had been such a hectic run-up to Christmas that it was hard to relax, but I am trying to live more in the moment now as I need to store some good memories so enjoyed the littles ones from both families and had some fun. Our other family arrived about 6.30pm and we had a super king size finger food supper together with lots of fun and laughter. Of course Tori threw a tantrum when Christopher and Naomi got to sleep over and she had to go back home to sleep but her Mum and Dad did want her with them on Christmas morning and she knew we were coming for lunch so in the end did agree to go home. I had some problems getting my grandchildren to sleep and read a few favourite books, and had a talk. It was well after 10.30pm when they at last nodded off and I knew it was a 6am start to be at early church. My son-in-law sang Christmas carols to wake us up! At least with his good strong tenor echoing through the house we were awake and dressed, fed and watered and the littlies had opened one present before we set off for church. Ray was still only semi-awake but was functioning okay.We had to have Christopher ride with us, couldn't fit the two of them in as we pick up a neighbour too. Rain was threatening again but thank goodness it was just a little morning drizzle and not another storm to drench us. So when we came home to change it was watery sunshine and by the time we got to our son's place the sun was full out. He has a new back deck and the others helped set the party up there including putting up canvas tarps against another unexpected storm and we were cosy if a little closed in and fed and fed and fed on all the good things provided. The presents we had carefully selected were mostly well received and a couple of them were a real hit. The Sydney family moved off to go on to the other in-laws, three hours drive away and we stayed on for a while. Alex, also overfull managed to be sick down his Granma during the farewelling process, but that is life.And an arm full of small grandson feels so exactly right sometimes. And he will be bigger and more independent next year so it was good to enjoy it just for that time, knowing that not all good times come again. Ray and I came home when our son who was on call for his funeral firm had to go and do a "pick up". We got home about 4pm, Ray went to sleep I had to to clean up the house enough to have an old friend come for an evening meal. Yes, the reheated meats and vegetables did go down nicely or would have if our visitor didn't spend fifteen minutes after the meal was on the table watching the "Queen's Christmas Message" but he is an old Royalist and it was an important part of Christmas for him so that was okay. And it was nice to just sit and have a chat and relax without the little ones too. Ray is prone to getting very tired when around them as he finds them exhausting even to watch. But it is a good kind of tiredness. So here is Boxing Day dawning, another old friend coming to lunch and I hope I am not yawning my head off as he tells us his version of the Christmas Day story.

I agree, I have had some good friends over the years but a lot of them have been circumstantial, they have been work colleagues, belonged to the same club or church or neighbourhood. Then we move on and the friendship fades. I have a couple of friends who are always there in the background. Sometimes I can confide in them, sometimes I can't as neither have an invalid husband so now our basic lives are very different. My confidences are shared here, with the family and occassionally with a couple of widowed friends. I don't think any of us are social misfits, it is just that we can't adapt as quickly as we used to and that makes our changed status more obvious. So have fun with your new friends and maybe one day you will re-establish contact with some of the old ones as their circumstances change. Sue.

T'is the season to be jolly and Ray and I have been overdoing it. This has resulted in Ray having three bad days in a row. His confusion levels have resulted in us having arguments all three days and I am sick of it. I know he has had strokes and he has dementia but now he is driving me crazy. One of his new problems is that he can't find anything. If I say; "It is over there." and point he will still walk right past whatever it is he is looking for. It is as if the desired object and what he has in his mind no longer match up. I would say this is a dementia problem. He has just had the dosage of his dementia med doubled but it doesn't seem to have had any effect so far, in fact I would say it has had the opposite to the required effect as he seems more confused not less. Of course it is the party season and even the few parties and meetings we have attended have gone twice as long as usual so we are away from home more and he is not getting as much sleep in the afternoon as usual. So I am looking forward to the break between Christmas and New Year when hopefully he will be able to catch up on his sleep and maybe have a better focus on life. Yesterday we went to our usual Lions Club dinner but it was the Christmas version. There was some problems with the numbers so for a while we were at one table and then moved to another. I know this agitated Ray as he hates to have to move, and maybe the bigger meetings now where we have members, spouses and guests are presenting too much stimulus etc and he is finding this over powering. He switches off and then I can't get an answer out of him if I ask a question, he doesn't speak to his table companions etc. Last night it was obvious that despite the festive atmosphere and the wonderful buffet etc he was not happy. I don't know how we will go in future if this does not improve. We may have to give up Lions or attend only those meetings without guests. He was also confused about what day it was, why we had to go out, why he couldn't just sit on the verandah and said: "You should just go out if that is what you want to do, I don't need to go out all the time". As we had lunch with a couple of old friends and it was for his benefit as much as for mine I didn't take any notice of this and off we went. I think he enjoyed it once we got out but maybe life is becoming a lot more effort for him now. For a man of 64 he acts a lot more like 84 some days. Today started badly as I overslept. I have been having trouble with an old digestive tract disease flaring up again. It runs in our family, Mum had it and was treated unsuccessfully for ulcers. Anyhow I was up half the night, finally got to sleep long after 3am. So overslept and had to do all the planned jobs at double speed, we had an "accident" because of that, I managed to make a mess in the laundry room which made me further behind etc. I guess you get the picture. Then my computer wouldn't pick up Strokenet and I missed chat, last time I rang my sister and she contacted Bonnie, this time my sister wasn't home so apologies to all who came on and found no Caregiver host on. We got to the shopping centre late for our shift selling tickets but the people we relieved were understanding. I felt so tired just sitting there, but there was shopping to do when we had finished and by the time we got home we were both too tired and past caring to eat. It is still the "silly season" I guess. So friends, take it easy as the "silly season" continues. And as your mother used to tell you:"Don't do as I do, do as I say". Don't overdo it.

Bill you said in your first blog entry that you take a ton of pills, your problems could be any or all of those. Get your doctor to have a look at the overall problem plus have a look at the meds you are on. If the meds are to blame get him/her to see if there is another similar med without that side effect. Sue.

The tree is up. We had Tori for a sleepover and she and I put the decorations on the tree. I had planned it all gold and red (this years colours in the tree fashion stakes) but she went off and came back with some more decorations I had left in the bedroom and started raking though them and soon I had hung up the little drums, the old angels, the golden bells and some very old decos she found that I was about to throw out. It does all look nice and the tattered old tree ornaments remind me that it isn't what we look like that counts, the older you get the more memories there are attached. Of course in the process a few pieces got broken. Tori says:"Ooops, sorry" without looking up. She is her father's child all over. But that is precious too, to see that the generations don't change much, the way they speak or their activities might seem a lot different but actions and attitudes take a lot of time to overcome and so there are familiar gestures or body language and just that way of holding her head to one side when she is thinking that shows her ancestry. We invited her Mum and Dad to stay to lunch as well as it is cool and overcast and with the covered patio an ideal day to have a BBQ, not too hot. Trev was awake and amenable so he was happy to do the cooking and I kept the salads and sides very simple. Tori ran around the yard like mad thing as the rest of us talked for a while. Alex smiled and wriggled and let out the shrieks and noises that six months old babies do. Ray and he had some interaction which was good too. Ray can still do the smile, fingerwags and silly sayings that are a familiar part of talking to babies before they can talk back. When I said "sleepover" earlier it doesn't actually refer to sleeping She was standing at the end of my bed shaking my toes and saying:"Granma get up" at 5.40am. It was light, the birds were busy doing their dawn chorus and so she was up and ready for the day. Thank goodness for that stack of children's videos we still have. Disney Singalongs, Aussie ABC programs, and "The Bear in the Big Blue House" took us to breakfast time. We girls "eat helfy" as Tori says so we had scrambled eggs following by slices of watermelon and apple juice. It was a change from the two quick slices of toast I usually have. In the meantime Trev and Pa got to sleep in. Lucky men eh? The rest of the Christmas planning is coming on well. I have the majority of the present giving under control. We are not big present givers. I came from a poor migrant background and Ray's family managed to eke out a living of fishing and fencing so they didn't have much extra either so we never learned to spend a lot on gifts. As our children grew up we drew up lists and pinned them on a noticeboard and the kids all picked out something they could afford to give from their saved pocket money and the little extra we gave them. I still buy a toy, a book and a couple of items of clothing for each grandchild. We give them a lot through the year, just little presents here and there, so no need to "buy" their love. The adult kids each have a way of saying:"don't spend too much on us" so we don't. Just some under the tree gifts so Granma and Pa and all the uncles, aunts and whoever is there at gift giving time are not left out. Today was a fine ending to a busy week. No major dramas, just a series of days we managed to cope with. Next Tuesday I get to take Ray to the doctor for his last quarter bloodwork. Not expecting any surprises, he seems to be okay, sleeping well, walking reasonably well, and unless it is very hot and humid and we do too much in the day, coping with summer. Let's hope it stays that way.

Hey Vicki, like Asha I have been waiting for your news. You seem to be so busy since you took on the book keeping course in addition to being a worker and a married lady. You must have a pretty hectic life. What have you planned for the holidays? Vacation? Family time? What? Do tell us your plans. Look forward to the plans of others now we don't do as much travelling etc ourselves. Sue.

Home made sausages! When I was young I lived in an area with a lot of European migrants and the smells coming from the kitchens was unbelievable - like being in smell heaven! One of our neighbours made sausages, another made turkey soup, killed the turkey in the barn, plucked it, cooked it! You make me feeel like a kid again. Glad you are home and you and Sam and family are doing the Christmas season things. You have fun now. Sue.

Fred, your blog is a good warning. Here too there will be more fatalities on the road as people who think they are okay to drive make fatal errors or fall asleep at the wheel. And there will be mugging, handbags snatched etc. But Christmas is also a time for random acts of kindness, and it is so good when people just let their happy feelings out. Today Ray and I sold tickets in our Lions Club's Giant Christmas stocking at our local shopping centre. People bought a couple of dollars worth of tickets and wished us "Merry Christmas" or told us what a great job we were doing. A lot of those comments were addressed to Ray sitting there in his wheelchair with a big smile on his face. I think this season is great if you expect it to bring out the best in people. I know there are some bad dudes in the world but there ARE a lot of great people out there, it is just that the bad ones get all the publicity! (((HUGS))) from Sue and Ray. :friends: :friends:

Mary, thank you for your blog. I haven't got the house decorated yet and I was impressed by your Christmas ideas. I could use some help with my tree so will phone and see if my grand daughter Tori can come over and help Granma with it. Here in this space is a small world where we can help each other to survive the rapids of life, the stroke survivors and the caregivers all need a boost to get them through the bad days. Good to hear you are having a positive attitude towards the festive season. Hug those kids and say:"We are in this together, let's make the best of it." Sue.

Today I am having a "bah humbug" day. I am not particularly sick, or overburdened or unhappy, I am just not enjoying my life. Which is quite common for care givers at this time of the year. After all this is when we women are supposed to arrive at whatever the current event is, wearing our best dress, our happy smiles and bearing in our hands the food we have so thoughtfully slaved over in the kitchen. Well, folks, it isn't going to happen like that. Not with a survivor in tow who really should be at home having his afternoon nap and only the thought of those extra "goodies" that he shouldn't eat anyway keeping him from falling asleep on the spot. Ray has had a few off days, I am putting it down to an alteration in one of his meds, the extra daylight we use up by having our meals further apart, the humid weather over the weekend and the added stress of being out a lot more than usual because of Christmas parties and break-ups. I am still having trouble dealing with his wish to have me wait on him hand and foot after being in respite where 25 paid workers cheerfully hand out food, clean clothes etc even before he could make his needs known. The service here is nothing like that. Yesterday I took delivery of our "twin" beds. Now these were part of a long process of selection, and right at the end included Ray as I wanted to make sure they were the right size, height, shape etc, that he could get up out of them etc. And in the bedding store he was fine, smiling, getting up quickly and easily, lying down, fine. But as soon as he saw them here at home they were "too high, too hard, too hard to get up off of" etc. Early this morning he woke me to say he couldn't get up off the @#$$$%%%@@ thing. Well he could in the store but that was when he was fresh and trying to impress the lady salesperson wasn't he? The beds were expensive, if returned I doubt could be replaced before Christmas. The old bed was broken up and lays in the yard in pieces awaiting disposal. So here we are not in harmony. The beds stay, but maybe one of us will go on being unhappy about it. Of course this is partly due, as I've said all along that the marriage bed is associated with the marriage vows in some people's minds. The "till death us do part" comes at us slowly, the separation in small things leading to the final separation. Slowly now is coming the feeling that marriage/love/ companionship is not what it used to be, that the change from wife and lover, to companion and caregiver, then on to nurse and finally....enough said. Also I would like some concessions made to my frailty as a caregiver and maybe some appreciation of what I do, day-by-day, week in week out, rather than the background murmurings of discontent. And maybe I would also like not to have to think of Ray's disabilities with every move we make but have him as a "normal" husband for a while too. I know a lot of you can say the same. What do you do as the changes appear and there is no "how to" book to buy at the bookstore that helps you make those small decisions, make those small adjustments? And how I get a "lump in my throat" when I see other couples laughing, drinking, enjoying the party, while I cut Ray's meal into tiny, edible bites. I guess with Christmas "the season of peace and good will" coming so do our expectations of what family means. So as my computer is on and off the blink ( has been ever since the "trojan"episode), currently not picking up my emails and denying me access to chat, even this site sometimes. I asked my two computer-savvy sons to fix it for me. Big job , they cry, pull it all down, download everything, upload it all again, not a problem Mum, just not right now, okay? Naturally they are too busy right now and no doubt will be that way for a while. After all it is the "silly season". I know, I know, they have lives of their own, shouldn't be burdened with my troubles etc. But it would be nice if they helped because I asked for it, right away and at once, right? And maybe there are some other problems here they could work on too while they are at it. And the bushfires in distant places send their ashes and cinders on the high winds that blow to the coast and affect my sinuses, and the garden is dying because of the drought and the tap is leaking under the sink in the kitchen and where do you get a plumber for small jobs like that? And it probably doesn't help that I am writing in card after card as I send them off to friends: "Shirley, Craig and family are going up to Cairns to live and I will really miss them". And that is so true. Now is the summer of our discontent, to misquote Shakespeare Someone tell me about the happy things in life, what I should be feeling right now, maybe that will help. My religious background tells me that these little irritants of life are like grains of sand which polish and bring lustre to the pearl within. But I don't feel a bit like a pearl. Right now I feel just like a small sullen lump of coal, under pressure, sunk in the soil of life. Maybe a few million years more of this and I will be a diamond!

Bonnie, it is good sometimes in winter to have a cosy day at home. So don't be hard on yourself. On the other hand I was in my dressing gown at 8am yesterday having a relax over breakfast and a friend of my next door neighbour's came to borrow his key to put some things in the house for him. OOOPS! So it's up and dressed before 8am for me. I hope your trip to town built up your confidence. :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Sue.

Wow, Patrick is so awesome. He deserves the progress he has made with all that hard work. I guess that is one advantage of stroking at a younger age or maybe Patrick will always be determined. I have taken over sorting Ray's meds, between us we are trying to get the dosages and timing as good as we can. He was beginning to "forget" the mid-day med for his diabetes and so the sugar levels were erratic. We all do the "why me" from time to time, as long as the record doesn't just stick on that one spot it is okay. Yeah for Kristen. :cheer: Yeah for Patrick. :cheer: Sue.

Deenie, I visited a friend and her husband today, she was busy so he and I got to have a long talk. I told him how lonely Ray gets sometimes. He said:"I wish I could help but when I remember the way he used to be and see him as he is now it just makes me so angry. And then I just choke up and can't talk to him." I guess some people can adjust to the person who our husbands have become and some people can't. Sure wish there was someone who could come up with an answer to this problem as I am sure your husband and mine would both like their old friends to come around and act the same as they used to. Just encourage him to do what he can do and sometimes that does mean paying someone else to straighten it out. I wish early in the piece I had encouraged Ray to do some carpentry but right from coming out of hospital he said that was all in the past. Hasn't done more than look into what used to be his workshop since. Sad eh? Sue.

Bill, I guess a future partner can be found lots of places. I met Ray at a dance, he had a sister who was at school with my sister and he had worked with my father. We didn't know any of this till much later. Of course we were both young then as we have been married 38 years. My sister met her husband at a dance too, the same place I met Ray at but not the same time. Ray's sister dated a girlfriend's boyfriend's brother and married him although the original pair split up. Another brother married a young widow and added "their" child to the four she already had. I know some people do have successul internet relationships that do find two compatible people and match them up, one of my neighbours down the road now lives in Minnesota for that reason. It does depend on what kind of person you are looking for as a companion, beauty and kindliness don't always go together for instance sometimes looking for a person with the same background and values pays off. Maybe you should look in other places too. You could take up some hobby where you might meet some younger women. And men in an all male clubs don't often act as matchmakers though maybe you could ask about sisters, girl cousins etc. There must be someone looking for a guy like you , well I hope so anyway. Good luck in your search. Sue.

Ray and I sold raffle tickets in a giant Christmas stocking, at our local shopping centre today for our Lions Club. We have seven four hour "slots" to do this Wednesdays and Saturdays until 20th December. One buyer, a slight acquaintance from years gone by complimented Ray. He said: "Buddy, you are doing what a lot of able bodied people never do, paying your way in society." I take that point. Ray IS doing what a lot of able bodied people don't think to do, working for others: the blind, the disabled kids, the other members of society who will benefit in some way from the money we raise. It is not often I say this but I am so proud of Ray sometimes, despite his disabilities he still finds service to others satisfying. And I told him I was proud of him too. Now I criticise Ray sometimes for the things he doesn't do. I know a lot of them relate to his disabilities, others to his dementia. His thought processing and memory loss mean he is not able to retain a list of things he has to do, so he might change his shirt but forget to shave, or shave but forget to comb his hair. It is up to me to make a thorough inspection of him before we leave home. This sometimes mean we need to change some of his garments at the last minute. Because of that we didn't get to our Lions meeting on time last night and so he sat at one end of the table and I sat at the other. This made it a bit awkward as I had to keep trotting back and forth to cut his meal, butter his bread roll,get him a drink, fetch a serviette, later a cup of tea etc. One advantage for me was that I got to talk to someone other than Ray. And others got to talk to him. He used to belong to Lions for many years before his stroke and before I joined to be his helper. It is one of the places where he is treated almost as if he is "normal" and I try to make my help as unobtrusive as possible. Last night it became obvious to one of my table companions who said: "I never realised how much you have to do for Ray." For those of you who wonder why others don't help you with your survivor, that could be one of the reasons. It is almost as if by being unobtrusive we are hiding what has to be done from others and the fact that we could sometimes use a little help. But maybe it is better that way. But this is a blog in praise of Ray for a change. So I want to say how proud I am that he still tries to function in society. I know many people would have given up a long time ago, maybe after the second, third or fourth stroke. But Ray does still try to keep going. He is uncommonly courteous and kind to the older folk we now mix with and got a warm compliment yesterday from one of the craft ladies who said how much she had missed him while he was in respite and how nice it was to "have him back with us again". He is now an accepted member of that group and a common opening of address from our "leader" is: "Now, listen up ladies, and Ray." He is still very much occupied with reading. But he also likes to sit on the verandah and see the world go by. I posted a picture taken of the view looking down our street in the gallery. It looks as if it is very rural but is actually a bend in the road. It still gives him a lot of contentment to think that he built the verandah on the house himself. As a carpenter he built onto our house three times, making it from a tiny one bedroom "holiday cottage" into the three bedroom house with front verandah and back patio we live in now. It is not a new house in a rich neighbourhood, it is just the house we have lived in a good part of our married life and like us it is comfortable. Ray is a good man. He was good to his parents. He was thoughtful of his brothers and sisters and still loves them and I am sure is puzzled sometimes that they rarely contact him. He always helped our neighbours and friends and never sought to get anything in return. He is much more likable than the rest of him family, well I think so anyway, and always did have a cheerful view of life. This has gone now, as has his ability to work, do carpentry etc. But I think the essential kindly nature is still there and can be glimpsed in the way he talks to small children, dogs and old ladies. I can understand our daughter praising him for his ability to smile, day in day out, in what must sometimes be a life that skirts the borders of depression. Yeah :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Ray.

Wow, Bonnie, I am so glad you weren't hurt too much in the fall, I remember ice from when I was a small girl in England and the hazards of walking on it. The baking days sound like Ray's Mum, she was a wizard in the kitchen and we once had a party when she was on a visit and took over the kitchen that sounds a lot like what you did. She was AWESOME! Glad you did another blog, I love the way you describe your life, and as we had a very hot day on Friday it is SUCH a contrast. Sue. :Good-Post:

Hey Lucy, confession is good for the soul, so you have done yourself a heap of good here. I would have loved your weekend too, baking and wine and antique hunting, what a wonderful combination! Don't be too hard on yourself, we all go gobble, gobble from time to time. :im stupid: too. Sue.

Bob, in a post you did on the subject "hobbies" you said you used to make custom fishing rods. I have a good friend who buys rods cheap at garage sales, refurbishes them and uses them to teach kids to fish. In this way he has inspired a lot of boys to take to the great outdoors at very little cost as he gives them the rod as a souvenir at the end of the day. Don't know if this would work for you but it just popped into my mind as I read this. Sue.

Ray and I just had a weekend in Sydney not at my daughter's place but in a hired unit on the same site. We all went down to see her and her husband commissioned in the Sydney Town Hall on Sunday as officers in the Salvation Army. It was a real big deal and we were both so proud of her. We had all our kids and grandkids there too so as a family we really did put up a good show of support. We love them heaps. I have had a struggle accepting that they are going to Cairns (1700 miles north of here) but I think I am there now. I really was able to rejoice with them at the weekend. Ray enjoyed the weekend, he managed the two and a half hour trips each way very well. Trev drove us down. I was glad as traffic slid in and out of lanes on the busy roads that I was not behind the wheel. He takes it all, honks when honked at, making all the guestures used to express disapproval on the roads these days. You really have to be a road warrior to drive in the cities now. On the Friday night there was a dinner for parents and each candidate could have a friend too, so we had us, and Craig's parents and a brother from each family too. There were mostly people in uniform , but as Ray and I and Craig's parents are not from the Salvation Army we just wore evening dress. We knew we were being awarded a "silver star" to wear as parents but also had some kind words of introduction written by our children. A lot of us had tears roll down our cheeks as we heard the words they had written. Shirley wrote some lovely things about me. I will not quote them all as they are not appropriate here but was impressed that she said I was a strong woman of faith, had influenced her Christian journey and helped with her decision to find a worthwhile outlet for her wish to serve others. She quoted one of my favourite Bible verses:"Trust on the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths."( Proverbs 3;5-6). After this she spoke about Ray and some of the struggles that Ray and I have faced since his strokes and said of Ray:"Although life is more challenging for him now, he still goes forward. From my Dad I have learned to look at life as a special adventure, to face each day with a smile and to try to live life as if every day has real meaning." I felt proud of my girl and teary at what she had written abut her father. It is rare that a tribute from a grown up child to a parent is heard this side of the grave and I am glad she had found the words to express what she sees in Ray's everyday struggle to maintain a regular life after so many strokes. The rest of the weekend and today was filled with family things. It is most precious the times we spend together. Whenever the days ahead are tough I hope I can always recall the memories of these good times.

"You can't possibly know of my struggles and I cannot know yours - as goes the human condition, wanting to share but unable to compare. " Hey, this is just brilliant. Most of what you said in your blog is what I have been trying to say in mine from time to time over the past twelve months. We are all in this caregivers and survivors alike, struggling with the EFFECTS of stroke rather than the actual stroke event. All survivors have had a stroke but each one is different, no two alike. While we all struggle to understand each other, maybe seeing others as "better off" or "worse off" than ourselves or our loved one, there is no way to form a scale to compare and if there were, what is the point? The task here is not comparison but encouragement, support, ongoing concern etc as everyone struggles with some of a long list of residual deficits physical and emotional. We all hope that by documenting our progress through all this we can help others. And maybe by adding to their knowledge they will not fall into some of the traps that have delayed progress in others. As a caregiver I struggle with it all one step removed, Ray has deficits, I make up the difference in what he can't do and what he needs to do to experience and live a full life. I am able bodied but am giving my strength and support to him to enable him to survive in a world designed to be a place for people with both arms and legs fully operational. Hope that all made sense. Sue.

Ann As part of my emergency planning I went to "our" doctor and got bloodwork etc done. Not because I was sick but because wanted him to know what my "normal" readings are. Now I have it done every six months. I only go to him as a patient about every second winter for bronchitis so he had no clue as to what my general health was like as he is really Ray's doctor and I just go to him when I am really sick. You might be able ensure that the "who's next in line" plan is operating even if it means you ring Trey, Trey rings Bill's doctor etc if you do not feel able to wait in line to talk to the doctor etc. We all need a back-up plan. I take the point about Bill's Mum being willing but not able to do all she would like to do for you. While saying there is no-one else is a reality for some people that is an isolation that shouldn't be part of life in a society like ours, there is always a neighbour or friend who can speak on our behalf if needed. I know because I am that person for three widowed people who are childless and have relatives who live far away. I even organised the funeral for one of them. Commisserations on your body being under attack from this "whatever-it-is" and hope you get well real soon. Sue. :friends:

I had a childhood friend who always used to rhyme names so I'm guessing it's Juicy Lucy. As you've learned from reading other blogs it IS very therapeutic to blog your thoughts. Sometimes I cringe at what I write but if they are good,honest thoughts I leave them there. Sometimes they seem less than socially acceptable and that is okay too. Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is. So welcome to the blogging community. :welcome: Sue. Hmmmm....now a husband for a cat, anyone got a chinchilla? :giggle:

Somewhere in the last seven years Ray and I got blended. I don't know how it happened as we used to be very different individuals. We had separate jobs, separate cars, separate lifestyles. We kept different schedules, had separate bank accounts and made separate friends. Or maybe I should say colleagues as those I thought of then as friends are not our friends today. We have retained a couple but the rest are long gone. Then Ray had the major strokes and our world for a while revolved around his medical needs, the hospital, then the rehab and when he came home the medical appointments and the in-house rehab. Now I was required to be his nursemaid, his driver, the housekeeper, the social secretary etc. Those of you who are caregivers will see where all this is going as you have been there. And I lost sight of the "me" I used to be. I don't think it was anyone's fault, she just faded away. Her time and energy and focus in life was gone. There was little time to be just "Sue" or Susan" nor the career girl, the member of clubs,the member of executives on committees. I was still Mum, Granma, daughter and sometimes even had time to be a good friend. But most of my individual pursuits were given up in favour of Ray and his needs. I don't think I realised how bad this had become until a past member here started to tell me I was "co-dependent". Now I don't think I ever was but I had assumed that the blended role that I had taken up when Ray became more in need of my services was the only role there would be for me now. And somewhere along the line I had lost the personality of the person that I was and was weakened because of that. The thought of the independence I had lost sometimes built up resentment, anxiety and even in some cases, anger. I had become almost solely Sue, caregiver to Ray and I was not entirely happy with that role. My time on this board, reading , educating myself on strokes has shown me different approaches to caregiving. Even in extreme cases it is possible to be a caregiver and not actually lose your whole personality in the process. My time alone recently confirmed that I needed to look at this aspect of my life. I knew that away from Ray I felt a whole lot different about life, functioned differently and approached life differently. Also other people treated me differently, more like they used to when I was an independent working woman. Now I have Ray back home I need to implement some changes so I don't lose this advantage. I can't let the strokes and Ray's poor health totally absorb my energies. I need to keep some in reserve for being simply myself. I don't have a workable plan to accomplish this yet, I am still working on it, but I hope now my life has turned the corner and there will be some new ways of looking at life in the time ahead of me. I don't want to think this will diminish my role as Ray's caregiver, just that I can be Ray's caregiver and still be myself.

Like Lin I put the emphasis on giving. As a child Christmas Day was a sad day as we were half way across the world from Mum's family in Engand and she really missed them, but once she had grandkids all that changed and she just loved Christmas for the joy it brought the kids. Here now it is a good time, end-of-the-year gatherings, those once a year letters from old friends, and a few "parties" for the organisations we belong to. Hey it's not THE PARTY season like when we were young but that is often our lack of enthusiasm too. Sure, since the strokes seven years ago it isn't the same, but many things can change that and to say life isn't worthwhile and Christmas has lost its savour is a defeatist attitude and we have to overcome that as best we can. You can't keep dragging the hurts of the past behind you, it slows you down too much. So make the most of the season, and if no-one else gives you what you want, buy yourself something good to make this a memorable one. Sue.

Fred, I wish you everything you wish yourself. Here we too are a year older, Ray maybe not as healthy as this time last year, me a little heavier at heart. But we just had our older son and his wife and two of our grandchildren here and it was a good day. Trev is 32 tomorrow and it was a small celebration as he will be working tomorrow (Monday). Summer is a'coming and Christmas too. Lots to for us to celebrate as we are still here, still together. :chat: We wish each other "Peace be with you" each Sunday knowing that "Peace on earth" is never a reality, there are always wars big and small somewhere on our good Earth. It is great to live in a relatively peaceful country and we all ought to count that as a real blessing. Sue.