swilkinson

Ann, :friends: hugs from me too. It is good the investigation is finally happening and at least some time in the future you should have a cause if not a treatment. For a lot of what goes wrong there really isn't a solution anyway I find. Give yourself a break and don't spend all your time with Bill. You need some thinking time now as you will soon be facing difficult problems regardless of the present outcomes. Remember it is one day at a time for all of us, and thankfully the rest is in God's hands. Hugs from your Aussie twin, Sue. :friends:

Hi gang I'm back here at home. Had a good couple of days but my little grand daughter was sick both ends last night so I was glad to come home and leave my daughter to be the caregiver. I plan to have another trip to see them before the end of the year. Here the carport is going up. As I type this two men are drilling holes in the roof battens and putting the roof on. The size is just right for an outdoor BBQ area and it is going to be a real asset in the summer as this part of the house will be cooler too. Anyway, it's good to go away, it's great to be back. Sue.

Last time I took a few days off a few people were worried about me. Now isn't that wonderful? It is good to know I have friends in cyberspace who like to know where I am. Well, I will be missing for a couple of days this week. Ray is off to Camp Breakaway, I think he must be one of the people they ring if they have a cancellation. I am always happy when he gets a chance to go and he is excited too as this time one of the men who go to Scallywags will be there too. Imagine being provided with food, music and entertainment, no chores to do, no cranky wife to please. It must be like Paradise for him for a few days. I am going down to see my Sydney family like I did in May. I actually have builders here working on my carport but Trev will be here and there is access to power and water even with the house locked up so they are okay. Of course the predicted weather is cold, windy, rainy etc for the trip but trains are warm and I will manage okay. And it will be good to see Naomi who calls me Nanny/Granma because she can't remember which one I am. That is the pity of living at a distance from those you love. One of my real time friends is back home after almost three months overseas so I went and had afternoon tea with her. She was full of her tales of trips to Scandinavia and Italy. Her late husband was Italian and she learned Italian for three years so she could visit the aunts and cousins and speak to them in their own language, quite an achievement. She said sometimes they looked puzzled at what she said and then changed the subject so she wasn't completely understood but the tales she told had me laughing. Good to have friends in real time. Glad she is back though. I know there are lots of posts on missing the friends you used to have. I've done as much of that as anyone here. There were a lot of people I thought were good friends who I no longer see. That is partly my fault as life changed and I couldn't keep up with them anymore. Sad though as when our friendships break down both sides are losers. There are no winners as good friends are hard to replace, particularly ones you have shared a lot with. I wish I could gather all of mine in one place, so they could look around and see how many people have blessed my family and I in the one lifetime. Wonder if they would look around and be puzzled by what "those others" were doing there? Too often the only time the friends of a lifetime gather is at funerals, with the central figure unable to join in the fun!! So Kristen, I will be away for a few days but "I will", as Arnie says," be back."

Diane, I go to visit my Mum in her dementia lodge on Monday mornings when Ray goes to Daycare. Mum is regressed back before speech now, but I was singing silly songs walking round and round the corridors with her and she was humming a little to join in. Music affects us all in some ways. I like "Always look on the bright side of life" I think "life's a laugh and death's a joke" had summed up bits of our lives too. I had viral pneumonia and one of the nurses said to me:"I thought you were going to die on me last night." so I'm aware of what REALLY breathing means. You are an inspiration, you know that? I hope they do feature you in a national magazine, to give people an awareness of how the human spirit can survive against great odds. Sue. :chat:

Last time we painted Ray got to choose the kitchen paint, came home on the day it was painted and said: "No. no no." Luckily the painters were still here. So they cut the paint color 50/50 with white, repainted it,"yes" it was okay. I think it is a post-stroke thing, perseption and reality are a little askew. Glad you are getting excited about the changes to your new house. Sue.

For Ray and I going to a Lions Club BBQ is about getting together with people we like. Ray has been in our Club for many years so others know he would help if he could. Doesn't stop them from teasing him occasionally about sitting down! But as the workers take a break they take it next to him and keep him talking and so part of the Club. Our Big Brekkie in the Park comes up next month as we will both be there enjoying the spring weather I hope. Keep your spirits up and the rest will follow. Sue.

Ongoing life sometimes gets me down. The medical blahs occupied most of this week . There were some lighter moments as we had a trip to a bigger shopping centre after picking up the ultrasound results on Thursday and on Friday when Ray went to Scallywags I went out to lunch with a dozen people from our old church. It was good to catch up all their news and gossip and even though only half of us were there we each had some news of the others. I am still not feeling at home in our new parish but at least don't feel quite as alienated as I used to, mostly thanks to the other women who are part of the Craft group we attend on Tuesdays. Working together as part of a group does build a bond. All the changes in life take some getting used to, even those full of excitement and happiness, like weddings and the birth of a new child. When changes occur there are bouts of grief along the way until what is new and different becomes the accepted norm. I guess all of life is about our ability to make adjustments and settle into new situations and not just the stroke recovery journey. Our son rang last night to ask if he could bring himself and two kids over for morning tea as his wife had a hairdressing appointment and thought this would be an ideal time for him to visit his parents. It think he came over with some reluctance, he wasn't sure this was his idea of fun anymore. But No 2 son had to go to a hardware store so it was decided that Granma would take the kids to the park and the "boys", Ray and his two sons, would go to the hardware store. Well, this doesn't happen very often so it sounded like a good idea. Must have seemed like a good idea to everyone but Alex who cried at the top of his lungs all the way to the park. But Granma walked around and around the park while his sister swung and played with a couple of kids who were there with their Dad. Then Sally, a little girl Tori used to play with in her last year before school came down to the park and so we stayed there for an hour and a half. Alex finally gave in and slept the last half hour or so. It was his first time sleeping under the play equipment with the noise of happy kids voices all around him. We prepared a quick lunch for the returning family members including Tori's Mum who now has a shorter , fuller hair style, her first change since Alex was born ten weeks ago. I thought it made her look much younger and more vibrant. Or maybe that was because she was sitting relaxing in the beauty shop while Granma , Tori and Alex went to the park?. And although Ray decided not to go into the hardware store but sit in the car and read his book he too had done something he rarely does, have some time alone with his sons. When Alex is much older and we walk down to the local park Tori and I will say to him:"Alex, we have been bringing you here since you were ten weeks old". So what we have been doing today is building new memories for us all.

Linda, two years is a good anniversary because by then you are usually stable and in good health. Congratulations. Have you been able to take up any of your old activities in the last twelve months? If you have could you do a post on that as the newbies need to know that there is hope ahead as they deal with the horrible first year. Nice to see you back on again. Sue.

We went and picked up the ultrasounds today, and will take them to the doctor next week along with the results of the blood tests Ray is to have tomorrow and see where the doctor thinks we should go from there. I am beginning to think stroke, diabetes and dementia is going to be a hard combination to accomodate in our lives. I am not looking cheerfully at the future at the moment. It is a bit of a downer to constantly be reminded that things are going to get worse not better. We only have to live one day at a time though so I will do my best to spend each day with Ray as cheerfully as I can manage. Thanks to all who keep us in their thoughts, I know a few of you do, so thanks, I do appreciate it. Sue.

Phyllis, some people do feel a change in atmospheric pressure, my Mum could always feel a storm coming because it made her feel headachey. It is something to do with the inner ear which can also make you feel off balance. Her solution was lying in a dark room with the blinds drawn and a cool cloth on her forehead and an aspirin or two if the feeling didn't go away. Get as much rest as you can and try to catch up on that energy loss. We need you to stay well and come back here often. When we lived at Narrandera out in the west of our state we had one hot summer when the temp didn't go below 100 degrees day OR night for ten whole days. Most of us felt like a wind up doll after a couple of days of it and many older people finished up in hospital with heat exhaustion. I felt the heat that year and I was nearly 25 years younger then. So just spend as much time as you can in the a/c, drink plenty of fluids and take it easy. :beer: And try not to drive in a thunderstorm if you can possibly get out of it. Sue.

Jean, in countries without the medical facilities we in the western or "first world" countries have most people do still die not that long after a stroke, though I guess those who have good family care last the longest. When I was a girl my next door neighbour had a stroke and took to his bed (against medical advice) and died 18 months later, probably of inactivity. A lot of stroke survivors were wheelchair bound before the excellent rehabilitation we take for granted these days became availabe outside of major city hospitals. Think back to you own childhood and see if you can remember relatives or family friends who died of what we today would consider a minor complaint. And think of the kids who had polio, or grandmothers who were bed-ridden with "bad hearts". Makes you count your blessings I guess. Sue.

I am so sick of taking Ray to appointments. I have been doing it for seven years now. At first after the 1999 strokes it was months of driving 35 minutes away a couple of days a week for physiotherapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, the appointments were no necessarily consecutive so we would be away most of the day. Then there were doctors' appointments, specialists' appointments, MRIs etc. Then it was general check-ups, xrays etc to determine if he could have physio on certain areas so we have a stack of xrays of various kinds. Add in all the appointments needed to get onto Social Security, to tie up all the loose ends created by both our retirements etc. At this stage we had my parents living with me to, so Dad had to go to radiation treatment for his cancer and Mum to doctors for various reasons. When Dad fell and broke his arm I did have an aide take him to the Cancer Clinic three times a week so I only had to take him twice a week,that was a big help. Sadly Dad died in early January 2000 but Mum was still living with us so for a lot of the appointments I had to take care not to lose her while trying to deal with what was happening to Ray. When Ray fell and broke his left hip in August 2000 we went back to physio, back to specialists, back to wheeling him everywhere in the wheelchair. A caregiver's back is very vulnerable, both from holding on to the survivor when they are wobbly and hauling them up steps to unsuitably placed doctors' offices etc. A wheelchair is not always easy to take in and out of the car. Luckily I had a van so the wheelchair could be loaded in the side or in the back, if I could find the right parking spaces. The next stroke in 2001 sent us back around the same doctors, specialists etc. But this time there was a community based team of therapists who mostly came to our home so I wasn't forced to take the 35 minute drive too often. With Mum still living with us and her increasing confusion due to her Alzheimers I am afraid I would have refused to go with Ray and have to find alternate means of him getting around. Luckily having someone come to the home instead was an ideal solution. Mum went into care in late 2002 so we were free to travel a little, we had some weekends away and a couple of longer coach tours, Ray seemed to be doing great and coping quite well. The walking with the cane increased, he could walk maybe a hundred yards without too much difficulty, not fast but with me by his side at last we were able to leave the wheelchair in the car more and more. At last we had some time away from doctors and the medical merry-go-round. It was so good to be free of that. I can understand why survivors want to be free of therapy for a while. Believe me, the caregivers do too! 2004 was a busy year for us. It was probably the closest we ever got to doing what other retirees do, a little travel, a few excursions to more distant parts of our state. There were friends calling on us again too. Some of them had stayed with us before Ray's strokes, then been afraid to "add to our burden" by staying with us while Mum was with us. I can understand that, it is difficult to carry on a conversation while Mum poured tea in the sugar bowl instead of her cup, or wandered off up the road while I was showing someone my potplants in the back garden. We have some new things to do , like minding our grandchildren and for a while we had some new hobbies, like learning lawn bowls and I started the Craft group at church and taught Scripture in schools again. Ray had a conversation on the phone with friends in those days too, I don't remember when that stopped. It was probably before the stroke in 2005. Perhaps as it got further in time from when he had worked or been active the memories started to fade and there got less to talk about. Maybe the dementia started around the end of 2004. It would seem like that looking back. In May 2005 he had the fifth stroke. Definitely he came out of that with decreased confidence, much less ability to act independently, less will to walk. The recovery from that stroke was much less than previous strokes, in fact the only thing he did recover was his ability to sit up unaided which he lost for a while. His walking eventually got back to being able to walk yards, but not the hundred yards he had been able to walk. Swallowing difficulties, falls, increasing incontinence have taken away some of the progress he would have made. It has been downhill from there. Not fast, some people wouldn't even notice, but I see it, the growing list of inabilities. Ray "can't do" so many things now. Age is a factor in that and diabetes too. I would say to others - this is not your future, it is just our story so far. You do not have the same combination of factors against you that Ray does so don't put yourself in his shoes. And it is not all bad news. Ray's life expectancy after the second and third strokes was not long, but it has been seven years since then. Today we went for Ray to have the urinary tract ultrasound, on Friday he has more blood tests. Life goes on. The medical blahs continue to take their toll. But as someone pointed out to me recently, at least we are able to complain about this, in some countries health care is unobtainable and what Ray and others here have experienced would not exist. Within a few weeks of a stroke most survivors die. We live in the lucky position of being able to complain that we go to the doctor too much!! Many people would love to have that problem.

Good and bad days seem to be the lot of the caregiver. You achieve something or your survivor does and you feel soooo good, and then something comes along and overshadows it. Hang on to the good, picture Trev doing more because of the new improvement in his arm. Tell you neighbour:"Sorry", and tell her/him about Trev's improvement, maybe they will feel good too. A trouble shared is a trouble halved, a joy shared is a joy doubled, my Mum used to say that. The extra time Trev has spent away from home will be a blessing in the end. Just hang in there. Sue.

Kim, I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this right now. I also had a sick husband and ill parents at the same time and know how fragmented you feel. Just give yourself some time to meditate, or just to day dream. I will lend you my beach meditation to put you to sleep of a night. You are walking down some wooden steps, at the bottom is some pale yellow sand. Move your eyes slowly from the sand and at about waist height you will begins to see bluey-green waves breaking. Let your eyes wander out to a sea that is as blue as a blue wrens feathers. Add palm trees, rocks etc as appropriate. Honestly you need to relax. Praying is good but worrying is bad for you. I will pray with you too. Hope things begin to go better for you all soon. Sue.

Ellen, Ray would start jobs after his first stroke in 1990 and I would finish up completing them. Now I wish he could just initiate anything! I hope you have a wonderful holiday. I look back on some of the trips we have done and am thankful for the memories Ray and I have and for the chance to see so much of Australia. I know you will feel as passionate about your exploration of your own country. We are big fans of Chinese food too, so if Ray had aphasia I am sure that would be one of the words he would attempt too. Sue.

I woke up early because the parrots were having breakfast in the tree near our bedroom window. It is nearing Spring and the blossom is fully out on the eucalypt trees and the little rosellas particularly just love the sweet nectar. From our camping experiences I know that after an hour or so they calm down but once I am awake I might as well have breakfast myself. The Change One diet went the way of all other diets. All I have kept up is the breakfast, a piece of toast and a piece of fruit for breakfast. And I will try to continue to take a 20 minute walk every day. I guess the name was right, I did change one thing. I've got the book so I can go on from there some other time. Maybe when summer is here I can convert lunch to a nice crisp salad and that will be step two. I did try adapting to the menu that was suggested but lettuce still tastes rank so no help there until the longer days come and vegetables grow faster and tastier. We had a visit from my nephew over the weekend, the one the boys pal around with. He had a refereeing job this weekend for "Paintball" and so had an evening off and came for a visit He referees when there are larger groups than the owner can handle or when one of the regulars is off. He has four kids so I guess he knows a lot about refereeing! He talked about going to see Mum at her Dementia Lodge, and explained with tears in his eyes that he had slipped in to see Dad a couple of days before he died so thought he should also see his Granma. Not easy for even grown grandchildren to cope with the changes in those they love. I see Mum twice a week so I see the minute changes. No regrets there, she is still my beloved Mum. I booked Ray two weeks in November for respite, it the same group as Mum's Dementia Lodge but in hostel care. He will have a room of his own and be able to go outside and have visitors take him out. It was not an easy decison and my mind is still saying :"cancel it, cancel it". But I won't. I remember how hard it was to put Mum in the first time, and how easy by comparison it was the second year to plan ahead and take a couple of breaks. And if anyone from Ray's family disapproves they can still go visit him there. They might find it easier than coming here to see him. The hostel is on three sides of a big courtyard. There will be birds there too as there are grevilleas planted there, the honey eaters love the ones across the street. I also had lunch with an old friend on Friday. She wanted me to look after her house and dogs while she was away on a trip to China. If it was a week I would have as she lives in a wonderful setting on the edge of a range of hills and the views are magnificent and the air clean. It is a couple of hours drive from here. But three weeks with Ray in a strange house with no breaks? no it is past the time for that now. I need the couple of breaks a week to keep my calm. I also need to know that there is a hospital close and help at hand if I need it. I think our breaks away together will be a week at at time from now on. And so it is on with the motley. That expression is a court term. The court jester's suit is called motley. The expression acknowledges that motley is not what the jester wears all the time. I think that is good to remember. We are not caregivers all the time. We watched a program about "Altruism" last night and how it showed in people's response to the Tsunami that devastated so much of Asia in our consciousness. There are people whose lives lead them to altruistic behaviour scientists say. So some people become carer/nurturers. One Hungarian twenty-something said he got a warm feeling when he gave out much needed water and explained at length how all deserve food no matter what kind of person they are. He shone when he stood in front of the crowd handling out bottled water and tears streamed down his cheeks when he described the plight of the people. Pity we can't bottle that feeling and hand it out to all who seem to behave so selfishly. You will not be surprised at the conclusion one of the professionals drew. In a small group (family or village) selfish people flourished at the expense of altruistic people, but in society as a whole altruistic people lived longer. Well...maybe it just seems longer?

Mary, a lot of your thoughts have been my thoughts too since Ray had the strokes. Thoughts about finances, working, that floundering feeling, I think we have all that in common. Even those survivors and caregivers who seem most confident have the sleepless nights. Once stroke happens life is changed. And we are left to try to turn those changes to our advantage. Good talking to you too. Sue.

Welcome from me too. It is not easy to put into words what you feel about the stroke event but once you do it is amazing how the words flow! I find blogging a way of sorting out what I feel about what happens to me as a caregiver and to Ray as a survivor. It can be a mixed blessing, putting our thoughts out for everyone to see as others have an opinion about what we should have done too. In the end it is what you think about what happened to you that is important and the action you take because of that. As Jean said: looking forward to getting to know you better. Sue.

Phyllis, I have a friend also in the merchandising business who's phone calls sound much like your blog. She had to build a six foot high cardboard waterfall and then stack her product in tiers beside it. Her description of it had me laughing but her crying! Don't do more than enough to keep you going, you can't afford to get too tired and let your health suffer. I am so glad you have the intention to have a sleep-in weekend, you'll feel better for it. Good luck with it all. Sue.

Take plenty of baby wipes on your trip, baiting fishing hooks is a really messy business. Hope you are good at scaling fish too. I'm glad to hear Denny is now speaking in full sentences. Ray is not much of a conversationalist now. He doesn't have aphasia but maybe what is said doesn't trigger an answer in him. Sometimes I push real hard to get an answer but he gets more silent if I do that. I guess you have both to want to talk and have something to say. Keep working on those plans to travel, life on the move can be the best time of your life. Enjoy. Sue.

The roller coaster is not going to crash. It is an enclosed system. So the ups and down just smooth out from now on. Congratulations on all your achievements. I envy a few things on your list. I have NEVER caught a barracuda or cruised to Hawaii. But I can share your enthusiasm for both. Good for you. Sue.

I had some spare time this afternoon so stopped and looked for some photos I want copied for my grand daughter. They were photos of her other Granma I took at her parents wedding. I want her to see how pretty her Granma Val was. I think it is important for all of us who knew her to keep her memory alive. While I was looking at the albums I found photos taken the morning of Ray's 2nd stroke. He stroked after attending a breakfast in the park at the end of a convention we attended. The first photos were taken three days prior and he was bright, smiling with confidence into the camera. He had a wonderful time at the convention, we were in a party of 18 from our club who went down seperately but met up for the four days of the convention. It was a thrill to have an adventure together, to joke around as you do with familiar friends, to laugh and have fun. We settled into our different motel rooms, met for drinks before going on to the welcome dinner. I don't have photos of that. It was a stand-up, finger food affair and it was good to relax after what had been a five hour drive from our previous night's stop. On the second day we had a picnic in the bush following a steam train ride so I have photos of us all eating away under the shade of the gum trees. There was a formal dinner that night so we are all dressed in our best and looking tanned from our day outdoors. In that photo Ray looks a bit tired but he always tired more easily from his first stroke nine years before. He never had that second wind that would boost him back up and allow him to go on partying into the wee small hours so we often excused ourselves early and went back to our room before the others. On Day three we had a town tour in the morning and an afternoon off, so Ray caught up on his sleep. A group photo was taken at the lunch and Ray is still smiling away. But I remember that night before we went out again he said he would be glad when it was all over. I think even after a slight stroke the toll it takes on your body lasts a lifetime. Ray worked for nearly nine years between his first stroke in 1990 and his second in 1999 but was never as full of health and good spirits as he had been before the first stroke. I did more at home despite working myself and did all the planning, packing etc for holidays. A lot of the work around the house and on weekends was on my list rather than his, looking back I can see that now. At the time I just took it for granted that Ray tired easily and put a lot of that down to his diabetes. On Day four we repacked the car before going to the park, I think because we were going to head off. We had planned to only had two more days on the road and once back home a couple of days to unwind before going back to our jobs. We walked to the park, two streets away, I think because we didn't think there would be sufficient parking. Looking at the pics I took there are some of our friends sitting eating the bacon, eggs, fried bread etc that such a picnic breakfast entails. I remember Ray wasn't hungry and in the end just had a little off his plate. In the last photo he looks very tired and his face is drawn. It was shortly after that he asked could we leave now and on the way back up the hill to our motel I could feel him dragging on my arm. He stumbled and seemed to find it hard going walking up what was really only a slight slope. I thought again it was the diabetes, we had had a lot of rich food at dinner the night before and he hadn't been taking his medication as regulalry as he should. That day finished with him in hospital in Intensive Care. He laid down as soon as we got back from breakfast. We stayed at the motel until our friends returned so as to say goodbye to those leaving straight away. I think we all slowly realised that something was wrong with Ray that was more than tiredness. One of our hosts took us both to the outpatient clinic at the local hospital and that was the last time he walked by himself for some time to come. It is hard to believe how we deluded ourselves. He had had a stroke, recovered, gone back to work. He had been on medication for most of his present conditions and yet he stroked again. But we thought it must have been the diabetes causing the trouble, thinking that a few days of rest would fix it and nothing more. We didn't recognise the second stroke although a lot of the signs were there. The last photo of the series is of me, five days after Ray's stroke. While the doctors were still running tests etc I went to a dinner to farewell all those who had gone off on a four day tour after the convention and were then heading off home. I look at the two photos of me taken seven days apart, in the first I am flushed and happy, enjoying life, surrounded by friends, Ray is there too smiling for the camera. On the farewell night you can already see the weary look that carers so often wear. The smile is strained and I look tired, I didn't want to be there at the dinner. I was worried and longing to get back to be with Ray. I remember feeling bereft that the last six members of our party would be on their way home the next day. I felt much older too. When a a major traumatic event happens in our lives it leaves an indelible trace. One that no future event will wipe out. There is no 100% chance of ever going back to where we were again as stroke survivor or caregiver. The face in the last photo looks wary, unsettled. It was five more weeks before I left Bendigo. After a very event-filled six weeks Ray was air-lifted home while I drove over 1000 kms in three days by myself. I guess that proved that I had the strength for what the next seven years would bring along. Our family and a few friends did come to Bendigo to support us. Our son said today he took 12 hours to get there by train, plane and bus. He stayed a week with me and flew back home. The others drove down and stayed four days. Friends drove for hours to get to see us for a couple of days. I have them still, those really good friends though some have health problems of their own and a couple I hardly hear from now. It is good and bad, looking back at those few weeks. But we are still here. Out of the 18 people from our club in the photo three have died, two women of cancer and one of toxic shock caused by a virus that collapsed her major organs. Hard to believe they are gone and Ray is still here. But that is life I suppose.

Just looked at the photos you posted in the Gallery Mel, nice ones of your brother too. I just think your house would fit anywhere in our street. And I am sure you would make a good neighbour. You've got the beginings of a good garden there. I have daylilies up the back, mine are orange and yellow. Sue. : :friends:

Kristen (((((hugs))) :friends: it is a big disappointment when life trips us up with yet another "little medical problem" as my doctor calls them. With all the new medication SURELY something could be done to keep seizures at bay? Or does that mean returning to the zombie state? Maybe, like Ray, what would suit one of Patrick's coditions would clash with the available medication? Anyway, I'm thinking of you both. And will try to have a chat with you soon. :chat: Sue.

You are never too old to learn something new every day. I read that here as people come up with an improvement in their condition, find a new med, try a new treatment. People who try and fail have at least tried. The small number of people posting may just be because other members are still on that trial and error journey and maybe not ready to contribute yet. We just had our grand daughter here for three days. Her parents went to the country, in the north east of our state, actually nearly as far away as I went two weeks ago, to scatter our daughter-in-law's father's ashes on one of his favourite spots. It was a three day weekend, one day up, one day there and a late return tonight to pick up their best girl. Tori and I spent the weekend making new discoveries. She has made leaps and bounds in maturity since she started school so she is much easier to entertain now, but oh! she is so busy. I was really tired by last night and there was still a day to go. Today she went to church with us and then to Sunday school. She came bouncing back into church with the other children, mainly girls, clutching the picture she had made. Some of you will have seen it, it was her two footprints, sprinkled with glue and then sand, surrounding it were images of some of the things she saw as being important in her life. It is good that at so young an age the pictures were recognisable. Maybe we should all do one of those pictures, or maybe a word list, of all the things in our lives that are so important to us. In church we did all the usual things you do in a service, the message was good but not memorable, but one line of a hymn stood out. It used the phrase "the fret of care". I thought that exactly described what I feel sometimes, as caring for Ray whittles away at me like a small saw blade I feel as if I am losing part of myself and will never get it back. But think of fret work, that lovely screening cut out of wood, developing the wood into a work of art, something finer than wood left plain. So the pressure of my carefilled life is developing me into something precious and worthwhile although at times I might feel as if my life is turning to sawdust what is left far more pleasing than I would have guessed. Yesterday we helped paint the covered tables and barbecue areas at a park near the beach developed by our Lions Club over 25 years ago. It is part of a much larger parkland area some of which has reverted back to coastal scrub. Our local councils have some trouble with developing a coastal plan and sticking to it. I think too much money is spent on what would seem like refinements and don't turn out to be practical. The park we tackled has recently been refurbished so we were there to repaint the shelter sheds and covered barbecue areas and generally smarten the place up. Painting is not one of my major skills so I was only allowed to do the uprights and rails but I had fun. And the picnicing public will reap the benefit. One of the topics of conversation was one that often crops up. Why, if we have over 40 members do we call a working bee and only six people turn out to help? I've heard this so many times. But looking at our Club I can see a lot of people who would have been in that same park years ago doing exactly what we were doing. They have just aged beyond doing the work now. There are some more recent members who have not found out what they want to do in the Club and so are not really fully involved yet. They might catch on and become fully involved or find nothing that interests them and move on, you never know with people, do you? And so painting in a park did not seem appealing enough to constitute service work for them yet. And some will be involved in a lot of other Club projects but not that particular project. I sometimes spend time pondering all the new information I learn in a week. It takes time sometimes for me to see beyond mere words to the thoughts behind them. Tonight I watched a program on the "String Theory" which documented this abstract view of the universe. It told of the numerous scientists that laboured over many yeas to make a theory that fitted the need to join together a lot of scientific information to make some sense of our universe. I think each of us is working on our own particular "String Theory" to make sense of this life we live. We collect a lot of information, throw away the pieces that don't fit and in the end settle for some kind of acceptance of the reality of our lives. This is not always achieved in a smooth , straightforward way, we often struggle with those pieces that don't fit. Like with a complicated jigsaw puzzle there is a lot of ranting and raving as things that should fit, don't fit but in the end we do see some pattern in our lives. Hopefully it is a beautiful pattern and something worth keeping. Whether it is in the struggle of survival or in the fret of caregiving I hope what you learned new this day was something worthwhile for your future happiness.