swilkinson

Just big (((hugs))) to you, no advice. I am still getting over the death of my best friend of 60+ years who died from a ruptured brain aneurysm, her death was the reason I had mine clipped. There is no replacing dear old friends who have been precious to us for many years. But somehow we just soldier on.

Pam, always great to hear from you too.

Nice to see you back again Pam. Thanks for your advice. I go to the clinic again early next year so will see what the so called experts have to say.

The harvests are very poor this year, farmers hanging on as best they can. Just had some rain inland but without follow up it will just lay the dust. We grow very little here on the Coast where we have good rain and just see it run out to sea. Such a country of paradoxes.

Some of us have a sign over our heads that says: "Bring your problems here." And so we end up as caregivers. But that is a good thing as well as a bad thing.I have just explained to a friend that most of my remaining friends are from my caregiver days, most of my happiest memories too. You know what you have to do. And this time you will know when to hand his care on to someone else. But try to remember to look after yourself too. (((hugs))).

They do say as you get older time goes faster but October flew by. I didn't go anywhere or do anything different, I have just lived life day by day as I usually do. So why do I feel as if I just lost a month? When I blogged in September I didn't have the date for the next operation, the thyroid operation, now I know it will be in March 2020, a long wait but the side effects of the brain surgery should be just a distant memory by then. And I should be a lot better too if I embark on an exercise program and improve my general fitness. I have attended the usual number of funerals for October, three, had less days out than some years, no doctors appointments, only the six monthly session with the lymphoedema clinic. I had Trev and Alice come for a week in late September into early Octoberor but no family visits in the rest of October. In a way it has been a peaceful month and I think I needed that as I had started to worry about how much there was to do after the operation in July and worrying is not the ideal thing to do if you have to keep your blood pressure down. Did I have fun in October? Not really but I did manage to keep most of my appointments and get back into a routine with the main components in place. The three months passed when I had to call on paramedics if I had a fall and I didn't had a fall so that was a bonus. I will gradually increase the amount of activity in each day. Daylight saving helps as the days are longer and I can fit in a nap early afternoon if I need one and still have time to do a little gardening before coming inside for the night. We are still in drought in most of Australia and the last few days have been hazy with the smoke blowing down from bushfires further upstate. I think it is going to be a bad bushfire season. There is the promise of rain next week but our weather bureau seems to raise false hope with their predicted rain falls. I was brought up in a low rainfall area so am frugal with water usage. I do pray for a return of fertility to our inland areas, living in the inland towns of Yass and Narrandera when Ray was with Fisheries gave me a great admiration for farmers and their struggles with uncertainty due to climatic changes. While we city folk argue about whether Climate Change is real or not they get to deal with it. The usual Spring illnesses affected my women friends so less get togethers than usual. The little lady I take to church on Sundays has had a few days in hospital but it was nothing serious just her medications needed adjusting. Sadly a contemporary of mine who I have known for forty years or so is on her last days with liver cancer but her family is asking for privacy so I haven't visited her in hospital. I hope she doesn't think her friends have deserted her. I am always dubious about the family deciding "no visitors" as I know how much I appreciate visitors when I am in hospital myself. Maybe that will be different when I am dying, who knows? November is a busy month, the last of the Spring cleaning followed by the first of the end-of-year meetings and the first of the pre-Christmas parties. I am going to Broken Hill before the month is over, will book flights this week. Trev is always glad to see me. Broken Hill has already had some dust storms so he will wipe down the cupboards etc in the caravan before I get there. I haven't been to Shirley's for a couple of months but she has been busy too with a move expected mid January. She is going in to Aged Care ministry and moving a couple of suburbs over as the house she lives in is attached to the Corps she works in now. Life gets complicated doesn't it? And so it is a case of taking life one day at a time as usual, rejoicing in the good, accepting the bad. Planning for the future isn't something that happens much now but I am always optimistic, always looking for good things to happen. Next year there is a cruise in my plans. So that is hopefully the fun event to look forward to.

ASHA there is always a discrepancy between what we know and what we do because of what we know. It would be great if we remembered those great words that impressed us so much when we first heard them but alas! in our moments of crisis we don't. Hopefully what happens is that the experience softens us and we spend less time being angry and frustrated. And recover more quickly from our times of being down.

I was wondering why I hadn't heard from you for a while but I see now how busy you have been. When trying to get respite care for Ray I had four goals in mind. Are they able to care for hiim medically? Do the residents there seem contented?. Will I be able to get to him quickly in an emergency? Are the facilities well maintained and inviting to visitors? These were my main concerns when Ray entered care. Berkeley Vale Nursing Home ticked all those boxes. The last one was important as I wanted him to have other visitors beside me. The small group styles I wouldn't have considered. I knew he needed a large well run facility. And at twenty minutes drive from here I knew I could get there n an emergency. I hope you find the right place for Gary. And that you have confidence in the staff there too.

ASHA, we all cross the boundary between young and old at some point. I think Ray and I became old when he had the strokes in 1999 because we could never keep up with people our own age. We have to try to remain young at heart and continue to enjoy life.

A lot of our life seems to be about learning those lessons ASHA. Hope your ankle heals quickly. Good when your hubby and your guru agree on something. Both men of wisdom.

I have started to get back to my old routine again, this has some good and some bad aspects. The good side is more socialising and going out when I want to go out. When I had the carers it was shopping once a week on Wednesday afternoons and coffee or lunch if someone volunteered to take me. I felt isolated and frustrated. Then after I saw the neurosurgery team and got permission to drive I regained my freedom, now I can go where I want when I want. The downside is that I am expected by the church folk to be wherever there is a need for pastoral care! And to do all the things I used to do. I am gradually getting stronger and maintaining my energy levels longer. This means a whole day out is still not possible but a morning or afternoon for three or four hours is. When the three months is up, when I should have recovered from the anaesthetic etc I should be back to whatever is the new normal for me. If I have been busy in the morning at the moment there is still a time mid afternoon when I need to rest, whether it is in a quiet corner with my feet up or a short nap. I try not to say "yes" to too many things on the one day now. I find I have to take signs that I need to slow down from my body seriously. If I only do 20 minutes gardening in the morning that is fine, I can do some more tomorrow or the next day. It is good to be able to do a little more each week. Today was a busy day as I went to two funerals, one in the morning, one in the afternoon about half an hour's drive apart. Both were Lions wives, I had known them both for many years. Sadly as some of our Lions are in their 80s and 90s this is going to happen more frequently. But as the Lions were some of the people who supported Ray and I through the stroke years they deserve my respect now. Also on the good side I should soon be able to travel again so I can go up to Trevor in Broken Hill for his birthday and plan some short visits to other friends. Basically this has not been feasible for the past couple of years so it will be another form of freedom gained. I have been wanting to go on holidays so much, envying all my couple friends who post pictures on their Facebook page from all over the globe. I must confess this has been so ever since I became a widow. I did those two trips to England including the trip when I met Ann Rogers at her son's wedding in Norfolk and of course I had the meet up with Sarah Rademacher in Hawaii. Those trips just whet my appetite for some more travel adventures. So what can I do? Increase the fun times in my life. Let's face it Mr Right is not coming along in my future, with or without the white charger. So anything I plan to do I need to be able to do alone. This is a bit limiting, dancing needs a partner except at the WAGS Womens Weekend in November and I have just put my name down for that. Then there is the WAGS Christmas party and I have put my name down for that too. Every year I ask my friends to give me a call if they want me to do anything with them in November or December and each year I explain why I need advanced notice. Every year some are disappointed that the Lions Club Christmas raffle and other things have taken priority over whatever they wanted me to do. BUT I still have to have the thyroid operation to face up to. I have contacted the specialist's office but have not heard back from him yet about when he plans to do the operation. I am hoping this doesn't mean I will have the operation just before Christmas, that would be a tragedy. I would prefer it after Christmas in that slow period that is most of January, when my friends are looking after the grandkids for the long summer break. I am not as involved as I used to be when the Adelaide boys are up visiting their mother and need babysitting. These days they would be minding me! They are 13 and 12 and full of energy. I love having them here but strictly one day at a time. I must say my future looks brighter now. I am still cautious about making plans, maybe that will never change. I still keep to the motto: "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" but if I relax and go with the flow it can still be a very pleasant life.

ASHA that sounds so interesting. I could do with looking at the limits I put on myself. I am finding it hard to let go of the fear that has been part of my life for the last two years. I need to do the "I am enough" self talk. You are always an inspiration to me ♥.

I have started to go back to my old routine , I am gradually getting stronger and maintaining my energy levels longer. There is still a time mid afternoon when I need to rest so taking those signs from my body seriously. If others do not understand that is their problem not mine. It is good to be able to do a little more each week.

It does give you a lift be asked out. Hope the casual chat does turn into a date.

We are cheering you on. I watched my husband struggle back from stroke after stroke, it was hard to motivate him because he knew whatever gain he made he would lose with the next stroke, it used to break my heart. But for you it is really worth the effort and I guess you gain strength of mind at the same time. Go for it!

I spoke too soon. Shirley and family didn't come to lunch, Naomi was sick this morning. I do set such store by their visits though as they are rare and am very disappointed. Guess I will have to go out and dig the ditch down the side of the house as there is no-one but me to do it. Widow's luck I guess.

The title is a little ambiguous but I have just been to my 18 month check up for my lymph node dissection and my six week check up for the brain aneurysm clipping and both were determined to have been successfull. The area of the lymphoedema has not increased and is about the same as this time last year and the neurosurgery team is pleased with my mental condition. When I consider I have had three major operations in two years that is a miracle. I have just started to drive again and it is wonderful. I am so grateful to all the people who have transported me during those six weeks but I hated ringing people up and asking them to take me places. I did get a couple of "too busy" replies and that is inevitable so I wasn't offended. I have made the same reply in the past when I wanted to say "yes" to someone but knew it couldn't be done. I have learned some new routes and on two occasions a trip to the shops resulted in having lunch out as well. Great socially when I consider I could have spent the whole six weeks alone. I missed out on a few events as they were at night during the first few weeks when I rested most afternoons and would have been too tired to attend but resumed going to Lions this week and I will try to help out with the Lions Club crew at the BBQ at Bunnings on Monday. Tomorrow I will pick up my little old lady and take her to church, she hasn't been for seven weeks so is looking forward to going. I have been picked up the past four weeks for church by a friend who is the organist and am so thankful for that. My daughter and her family are coming tomorrow for lunch. It is Ray's birthday, he would have been 77. They haven't be here as a family for a while although Shirley has as she took me to the appointments in Sydney last week. I am happy they give me the time they do I know how busy they are. In another four weeks Alice and Trevor will be here for a week. A d I will get to see my two grandsons from Adelaide too. I live for these family encounters now and feel as if I am just filling in time in between. I don't think I will ever get used to being a widow and being on my own. I often ask myself what this part of my life is all about? I had the three operations to extend my life but there are times when I wonder what the future holds. Today is wildly windy and not good for gardening which is what I had planned. Of course time is easy to fill in, I have been piecing together crocheted squares left over from other projects to make cat mats, used as part of the give aways for rescued cats going to their forever homes The mat is used in their cage and then goes with them to their new home, something familiar to help with the transition. Soon I will be back working in my usual capacity as a pastoral care person but that is a little further down the track ,I'll start as soon as I am back to feeling energetic again. That will probably be another six weeks or so on. Three months is what it takes to get over the effect of the anaesthetic and the trauma of the brain operation. At least I can drive! That gives me so much more freedom. And there is still the social meetings, coffee mornings etc to enjoy. I really don't have a lot to complain about, do I?

Fantastic blog, so glad you and Lesley have had an opportunity to travel and see some of small town USA. The arrangement for Lesley's Mum sound good, she has a rest from you and you and Lesley get to mark events off your bucket list, good arrangement all round. 500 peaches put away for winter! I am green with envy.

That was a difficult one for Ray. He was very lucky that he had some great Occupational therapist s who tried different methods until something made sense to him. Congratulations on a new and improved you.

They love you even when they show it in strange ways. Ray always said he wasn't criticising me just showing me a better way of doing things! I eventually learned that ifh he thought he had done wrong he did something nice for me to make up for it. He very rarely said "sorry".

Four weeks into the healing process and everything has slowed down. I still have the headaches occasionally and the tiredness hasn't improved much. The associate to the neurosurgeon said six weeks before I will feel "normal" but I think it will be longer than that. I still have some help in the house and the shopping lady but that finished in two weeks time so I am on my own from then. I just hope that I feel better soon as so much needs doing before Spring comes. Just thinking about the garden, the cobwebs and the fact that the curtains, bedspreads etc need attention leaves me feelng helpless as I know right now those jobs are beyond me. I just hope to get my full strength back.

Dear ASHA that is so profound. Sometimes I think I need a lot of reassurance and that is in short supply now, without a partner I rely on friends to give me support and encouragement and that does not always happen. I do have to realise that friends love me for many different reasons and will sometimes express what it is they think and other times will seem as if they are ignoring me and that has to be okay. I need to be with people and that is difficult right now when I can't drive the car. Roll on September.

The crying would be hard to bear. Ray's was more a silent resistance. Why did he have to go, why couldn't I go on my own and leave him alone ( I couldn't as he had falling issues). When your life changes so radically you have so much inner conflict. And yes it does affect your mental health. I suggest you get some practical advice from older friends dealing with similar problems on how to get a break yourself. Try a babysitter, a paid carer, some help from her family for your family. All caregivers need a break or they break down. And that breakdown destroys a family. It is not a case of being selfish but being practical. So please look around your area for help. Ray was at Daycare one day a week at 57 with men who were in their 80s and 90s, he didn't want to be there at first but I told him it was a mental health break for me which it was. I joined chat on here because the participants have a lot of wisdom both stroke survivors and caregivers on how to handle a situation where you know things are unlikely to improve, and that is what we have to face up to as a caregiver. Things have changed and they are not going to go change back. And that is a really harsh reality. I know all of this is so hard, I had a lot of similar feelings after Ray's major strokes in 1999. I was 43 when he had his first stroke in 1990, 52 when he had the two major strokes in 1999. My life changed as much as his did. Neither of us wanted that or deserved it, it just happened. I found myself bitter and resentful sometimes but somehow managed to overcome that. I hope you can too.

When we make someone else happy we find happiness ourselves. I looked after my husband Ray for thirteen years giving up a good job to be his full time carer. From time to time I asked the same question you have posed. In the end I decided the only way was to make looking after Ray the reason for getting up each day. It was then I found out that if he had a good day I had a good day. He died six years ago but I stayed on the site as a volunteer. I became a chat hostess on here but gave that up about three years ago but stayed on as Blog Moderator. That's my story. So, what about your story? Would it make a difference if tomorrow when you get out of bed and put your feet on the floor you say: "Today my job in life is to make my wife happy."? Try it and see how you go. I call this approach intentionality. You intentionally work towards a goal. In this case not your own happiness but the happiness of the one who you care for. I don't know your situation but I do know this worked for me. My mantra was: "Today I choose to look after Ray." That meant I stopped feeling helpless and started feeling that this was what I had chosen to do and that did make me happier. Hope it works for you.