swilkinson

I agree with Heather. Paid workers are available so you do not need to do it. Say: "Sorry my dear, it's not going to happen". Smile and walk away. Sanity says you need to make a stand, but it depends on how you feel. (((hugs)))

I agree, art therapy is great. There was art therapy in the nursing home Mum was in and the one Ray was in. There are many forms of art so something for everyone and if you can help to make someone else feel good through art why not do so? The nails sound just right for you, sure sometimes we don't fit into the age category that others want to put us in but that is our business and an expression of our own personalities. Good for you.

As a former wheelchair pusher I agree Heather, corner display stacks were a real hazard and the larger grocery stores could certainly do with some wider aisles. They just don't cater for wheelchairs. Banjo and Jay, just keep on practicing, don't give up.

Pam, so pleased the pain is bearable for you now. I had a lady I visited years ago, a friend of my mother's, who was in great pain all the time and I could see life was an effort for her. Mum was asked to go to her home and cut her hair and they became friends. Mum said she would wince in pain with every cut but say: "Please keep going, I want to look good for my visitors." I minded her when her brother who she lived with was away for the day, all I had to do was fetch and carry for her and make cups of tea. We made that day Saturday once a month as I was still at school then. I am glad you have the 4th of July to look forward to, we all need a treat ahead of us, something to look forward to.

Sounds like it is back to one day at a time, holding on with as much patience as you can muster, waiting for the improvements to take place. I too would have expected instant miraculous results, I am ever a hopeful person. But we both know that the trials and tribulations in life will always be there, to build up our strength and help us to see life as it is for many others. I will add your name to my prayer list Kelli and pray for patience as well as healing. (((hugs)))

Pam, we all encounter a needy friend from time to time, no advice for you really. I have found in most cases that if you are courteous and kind but firm about your need to be alone sometimes they either adapt to your routine or go and find someone else to follow around. Like you I have many people I call friends and drop in on them to do a small kindness for them. I am not really a best friend person. So some people who are looking for more than I can give do drop out of my life. Which suits me fine. Hope you fnd this cools down and you have some peace.

Sometimes I really wonder what life is all about. I think I watch too many newscasts on television, there not being a lot of interest to watch in mid-winter here. In this age bad news travels fast and bad news from all over the world hits our TV screens especially in the late news which I often watch before I go to bed. Events like the fire in London where so many people died because of bad building materials, local traffic accidents due to wet conditions and constant news of strife and shootings in the Middle East all seem to add to my angst. I am not really a nervous person but the miscellaenity of killings and the worsening world events seems to impact on my life from time to time. I have plenty to think about just within my family circle and among the folks I know and my prayer calendar is always full but still what happens in the world impacts on me whether I like it or not. There is not a lot of good news these days. As you get older news of babies being expected in the family and more exciting things like engagements and weddings seem to diminish and deaths seem to proliferate. Of course the fact that I do so many hospital and nursing home visits also impacts as the deterioration in the ones I visit is more noticeable in winter too. We all get paler and catch small viruses that make us cough and that makes us appear less healthy. Today we had a celebration lunch at church and I picked up one of the people I visit at hostel level. M is able to get into my car and so I promised to take her to the lunch. I think she is deteriorating too although she is under 60 as she mainly associates now with much older people and that is reflected in her limited topics of conversation. We often do become like the people we associate with. That is one of the reasons I decided to invite her to the lunch today, to help her to catch up with some of her old friends as I thought this might give her something else to think about and a new topic of conversation. On returning her to her accommodation I decided to visit another lady whose visit I had not done this month. She was half asleep but one of the nurses woke her up to have her afternoon tea and asked me if I would hold the cup and help her drink it so she (the nurse) could go on and help someone else. All of a sudden it felt like I was dealing with Mum again and a sadness filled me, I told myself that what I was doing was just helping someone out and it was not something i should be sad about and the sadness slowly lifted. To me it was a sign that I am still vulnerable because I have not as yet completed the mourning process - and maybe I never will. Perhaps there will always be some things I associate in a negative way with the death of Mum or of Ray. When that happens I have to tell myself it is not the same and just keep on doing what I am doing. I had another two lunches out last week with some widowed friends who wanted to help me celebrate my birthday. It is so nice to be made a fuss of. I really miss my family at special times, particularly the way they used to make an event of special birthdays like the "O" Birthdays. And of course I also miss the excitement and all the hustle and bustle that visiting family members bring with them. We did manage to get some of us together last Christmas but that is such a busy time of the year I would prefer them to visit me either for Mother's Day or for my birthday. Of course I can suggest it for next year and see what happens. It is part of the loneliness of being a widow that makes me feel this way I think. If I still lived in England I would of course have cousins and other close family members to celebrate with as well. I do envy people with family living close by. On the plus side I had a phone call from my son Trevor and grand daughter Alice from Broken Hill on Saturday morning. Alice who is five now plays soccer on Saturdays, they do not play a full game just spend a half hour on the field and this Saturday she had the award from the coach for "extraordinary effort" and she announced in a solemn voice that she was "the best in the whole world". Not that she is proud of herself...lol. It is little things like that that make my life worthwhile. When the other grandchildren were a similar age they lived close by so I could enjoy their little triumphs, attend Grandparent's Day or Education Week events at their schools and feel a part of their lives. Luckily Trevor does keep me up to date with Alice and her doings and I do get to talk to her on the phone for a short time most weeks. It is such a shame such a distance lies between us. One of my grandsons in Adelaide has a birthday next week and the best I can do is to send money to him in a card when I would much rather be able to give him a present. The wet winter weather is getting to me and I know I will be glad when we pass the Winter Solstice and the days start to slowly get longer again. The wet weather is also isolating and we had a poor church attendance today as some of the members are sick with the viruses that are going around. I sometimes give them a ring after a week or two to make sure they are okay. One funeral next week, someone I don't know well and I will see if going to the funeral fits in with the other things I have to do. I can't do everything. I think sometimes when I reread a blog like this it sounds as if I lead a sad life but I don't , there is always fun and laughter at the functions I attend especially Friday Coffee Morning as we have the Playtime kids there and those little folk always keep me amused with their vitality and their childish charm. And the Friday Soup and Roll lunch with a few new and different people in attendance means different conversations and I enjoyed that very much too. I know others locally must also feel the same loneliness and isolation that I feel some times so in a way that makes it seem ordinary and commonplace and just something I have to learn to overcome. We all have to be grown ups and endure what cannot be changed. I am lucky I have good basic accommodation, the car to go out in, and that is how I have go on to build companionship into my life. Counting my blessing rather than looking at what I have lost or what might have been.

Ray had his major strokes at 57 so we too fell between the young stroke survivors ( 20-40) and the senior (65 and over) stroke survivors and therefore I had to fight for care for him and really only had help the last five years of our journey when he was over 65 and "qualified". That difficulty in accessing care happens in Australia so you don't get the help you need unless you find it for yourself. I found talking to other caregivers really helped me to find out what was free, what was not too expensive and what the govt or some civic minded organisation helped with. I'm glad to hear the water therapy was a success, hope you find he improves as he gets more confidence in the water and with his therapist, that seems to take some time. I hope you take advantage of the water and have time for a workout too. I found time to do some exercises while Ray was walking up and down the pool.That was one period of time we both benefited from.

None of us can be cheerful or positive all the time, I know I have often written blogs when I have been down. Often wondered afterwards if i should delete them and write something more positive but did that only twice. Even if I do not think a blog is forceful enough when I write it i rarely edit it. Of course sometimes in the light of the next day I felt much better and shuddered when I reread how i had felt the night before. It is your blog so write down whatever your true feelings are. Sometimes just writing them down is enough.

Pam, we all read the blogs for ourselves, at least I do. I gain wisdom and knowledge and confidence from reading what others write. We all have up days and down days and sometimes I write from either side of the coin. I just write for myself but also I think also listen to what others have to say. I must admit to using "nice" as a generic term for whatever pleases me. Me bad

I agree with Heather that life is not perfect for any of us. I do understand your frustrations though as I saw Ray got through similar problems many times. I like to have a list of things to do on a blah day, if all else fails I watch an old sentimental movie and shed a tear or two. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. (((hugs)))

Pam, it is hard to find staff anywhere now who are truly compassionate and try to understand. A lot of people get flustered when there is a delay of any kind to their schedule and then lose their professionalism which is what seems to have happened to you. The practice manager rather than the doctor should have dealt courteously with the problem. The problem with the driver was not your fault at all. I think over here you would have been advised to have someone to accompany you so you were not left alone in a waiting room in case there was a delay. I know it is hard to have to ask someone to do that for you. Hopefully if there has to be another visit that can be arranged.

As most of you know I am a widow, my dear husband Ray died in 2012 but I still have contact through my old Stroke Recovery group with others, both men and women, who are still looking after a stroke survivor and I give them what support I can whenever we met up. I know in my life as a caregiver I often felt unsupported and know that people who are new to being a caregiver or even those who have been one for some time may find the same. I thought I would start this discussion topic here so you have a chance to share that feeling with other caregivers. Sue.

Picture all those negative things in a big box and you bending over the box and throwing them out one by one. Then redecorate the box until it sparkles and take the good things n your life and fill the box with those things. I find visualisation works for me, not all the time but a lot of the time. Yes, you are a good person, a great asset on here and definitely worth it!

Robin, the changes come when we least expect them and typically on days when we are occupied with other thoughts. How about you think of something special to do to to commemorate it being a year since your brother's passing, it is always good to have your own rituals. What is happening to you at work is unsettling but hopefully you will shine in your new position and it will all turn out well.

Pam, another good blog raising all kinds of questions for me as a visitor to nursing homes. When Ray was in the nursing home I guarded him like a fire breathing dragon. I also guarded one of his room mates who had a simple mind. I made sure he played his bingo card right and he sometimes won which he was amazed at. Ray had some special treats set aside for him, suitable for a diabetic and someone who couldn't swallow well. You do your best to fit into that place and I know it often is very hard for you. Enjoy having your own purple poker chips. Things always disappear in nursing homes, I call it the "Bermuda Triangle Effect"...lol.

Asha, very well done. You do have it in you to do amazing things. And with a little help you have made a weekend that many will remember. Like you I sometimes doubt my abilities ans then am pleased when things go right instead of wrong as I had anticipated. I am happy that your husband was relaxed and enjoyed the dancing, that must have been a boost for him too. Cling onto those happy memories when the going gets tough, we all need to do that, to embrace the good times.

Jay, I can read your frustration here. I can't share that with you but I can see how embarrassing and frustrating it is. (((hugs)))

Thank you Jay , for your comments and your birthday wishes. I know you do a lot of volunteering and what you do means a lot of people have some happier days too. In this life there are not enough people make that effort so thank you for what you do for others.

Pam I don't know what to say except life moves on, with you or without you. My kids stayed around until their father died and then felt okay to move on. As a widow I know that circumstances change and friends come in and out of your life, my family does the same. I often feel left out of my children's lives but realise that when I had Ray to keep my mind busy that didn't seem a problem. I know I have too much time to think about life now and some of that is hurtful. I hope life improves and other happier things occupy your thoughts and the pain subsides again.

Sometimes when I watch the news I know how well off I am, but sometimes I want more out of life than I currently have. I know compared to others I have many blessings but from time to time I still want more than I have. I have just read an article about lowering your expectations of life, from time to time I know we all have to do that. I will be 70 on Sunday and I think those "O" Birthdays make you think about life, where you are now and where you want to be. I am good at over analyzing life, always have been, so I have to make a conscious effort not to do that. That way I get to sleep at night instead of laying in bed thinking "what if this, what if that". I think as a woman on her own, at my age and with my family scattered all over the place it is inevitable to feel lonely, to feel isolated and sometimes a little disappointed in life but that is because I did start off with high expectations of what it meant to be retired. And of course Ray featured in all of that. So I need to go back to taking one day at a time, not expecting too much and enjoying whatever comes my way. I need to have an attitude of gratitude as we used to say. Not easy for me to do that as of course I realise time is running out, that good body I used to have has aged and I am slower getting around so I did want to do some traveling before I get too old to do so. The travel company I use keeps sending me information on cheap flights but again it would be planning for one and most probably visiting relations who I saw two years ago. I am not sure I want to go back to England again, certainly not this year anyway. I may still do it, but with winter closing in ( we have a cold wind blowing here today) I am not so inclined to leave my home. I don't want to go on long drives alone, however scenic they might be, I don't want to cruise alone, basically leave home for any length of time to see the Pacific Islands or anywhere else right now. I get the feeling this isn't my time for traveling. I will probably buck up from this but the travel posters in the booking offices don't seem to have an attraction for me. Maybe that is just winter talking and come Spring I will change my mind again. I know I need to drop the "poor me" attitude which leads back to me grieving for what might have been and instead I need to make the most of the time I have. I need to cling to things that are enduring, solid, made to last. Things that in time I can pass on to others. It is good to have things to pass on, whether it is the wisdom born of pain that we share here, the family history stories that I share with my children, the things I have learned over a lifetime some of which I share with other widows. I also need to declutter my house, how many mugs does a woman living on her own need? I need to pass on to others things I no longer use or need. Whether it is second hand or not, if it is usable it needs to be passed on to someone else who can use it. We live in a throw away society and even though we know that is not sustainable we go on using resources thinking that they will never run out. We are encouraged these days to recylcle rather than send things to landfill and I need to see what I have that can be re-used. I think in this stage of my widowhood I am looking for the key to a new world. I don't know what that would look like. It might look like downsizing, a lot of people seem to be doing that. I have older friends from Lions and the other groups I belong to who are doing that right now. Packing up their large four bedroom houses and transferring into two bedroom houses on one floor that they can live in even if they become disabled by age or other circumstances. Some of them are moving closer to family, others settling for a retirement village close to where they live now. Of course some of them are in their 80s and are already disabled in some way and this is a necessity now but others are still active and see a retirement village as somewhere they can use as a base for their travels so that would be what I would think too. Without pets and other things holding me back like my hundreds of plants in pots to be watered I could be away more often. No-one wants to come home to dead plants which is what I did last time I was away for more than ten days. My next door neighbour does keep an eye on my house but watering pot plants is not his strong point. This is the house that Ray built onto all those years ago. It probably has more sentimental value than actual value. I wonder if I will resent having to give it up. I said when Ray died that I would be out of here within two years and maybe I should have been but here I am still in the familiar setting that we raised our kids in. When I look around I see the wear and tear of many years, faded carpet, wals that could use a coat of paint. The handyman who came in to fix the light switches said it seemed a very 60s house and that is true. I don't really have the energy or the incentive to do anything about that. What worries me is that sometimes I wonder if I am keeping it this way in case the family come home. I know that will seem a strange thought to some of you but some will understand that way of thinking. The toys are still here from the grandchildren growing up, the beds are still here in case some of the family members or friends from the past need to be put up for the night, yet I have few visitors. When I look around it is in some ways as if the decades have not passed. So leaving here would be like leaving family history markers. I just hate the thought. I get over all of this by keeping busy. I have a head cold at the moment so I am staying home for a few days. Doing that of course gives me too much time to think so I will make sure I go out somewhere tomorrow. It is nice to spend some time in the garden or out on the front verandah but too much time alone is never good for me. I can read or watch old movies, I have knitting to do as a friend has given me wool to knit her a scarf but all the time I am unoccupied I sit thinking, thinking thinking. And not always in a constructive way. This is when I most miss the company of my family and my old close friends, those who knew me best. Now the couple friends are off on yet another trip around Australia or leaving to go to warmer climes further north and I am feeling left out of all of that. It is as I am always saying a couples world, only a few older folk travel alone, with the distances we travel here in Australia it is safer that way. I don't know what the key to the future is so all I can do is what I have been doing which is to take life as it comes, one day at a time. I am so luck to have found this site and others where I have made friends and companions for the journey. Anything that brings us together with others is a blessing. But if I live a day at a time and count my blessings I am not doing too badly. I still have food on the table, the roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in and extra covers to pile on as the temperature drops like it did last night. Okay, I do not have all I want but mostly have what I need. I have a lot to be thankful for. Thanks to the Blog Community and those who post on the Forums for reminding me of that.

Fantastic imagery Tracy, you are a really inspirational poet.

Nancy , no worries - what you write comes out of the comment I made about dumping food, a big topic in some places right now. No school lunches here as such we have canteens ( like a shop run by mothers or volunteers) where kids can buy lunches but there are government guidelines as to what can be sold. It is the supermarkets who are the main instigators in throwing food away as they will only take perfect fruit and vegetables and the rest goes to landfill rather than to feed the poor. Sad really.

Your Dad's generation were the true givers. I just get so mad when I think of all the food dumped these days, we would never need to have handouts when everyone could have what others did not need. I had old friends who belonged to a rural church where that kind of sharing happened and often we were the luck receivers of a big sack bag of corn on the cob after the main crop had been harvested. I still remember preparing all of that for the freezer and making pickles with some of it. It is so good when everyone is provided for. When we were young Ray was a real friend to our neighbourhood and he would rehang a door or fix a window and come home with beans or onions or lettuces for the help he gave. At one stage we swapped our excess eggs for a variety of goods and services including babysitting. As you say it was a different community back then. I wish everyone had family close by now, then there wouldn't be so many lonely people in the world and everyone would have the support they needed. Maybe we are too prosperous or too proud to share in that same way now.