swilkinson

Must be very frustrating for you Susan but you have a fighting spirit and always seem to make the best of what you have got, Enjoy your Spring.

Pam, you are a hero too. Heroes are humans who summon up the strength to make a superhuman effort. I see that in you.

I always grow a lot of parsley, mint and chives, I mostly eat it just walking past the herb pots so it seldom gets as far as the dishes it is meant to improve! If you look around other gardens in your neighbourhood it gives you hints about what grows well in your area. I also buy a lot of my plants from market stalls I go for colour rather than form. The joy of a garden that is mostly in pots is you can regroup them whenever you get tired of the way they look. Hope you have someone to help you with the heavy lifting.

Julie, I was away when you wrote this so I didn't post a comment. I often think of you and Larry so i am glad you posted an update. I know what it is like to watch that slow decline. Better have as many good days as you can. (((hugs))) to you both.

Those moments are so precious, when our stroke affected partner suddenly returns to be the man he used to be. It happened with Ray and I a few times in our long journey together. i sure miss that man. Hope you have many such moments.

I'm with you on the gardening. I have a lot of flowers and shrubs in pots (left over from when I used to move every three years) and a few hours in the garden quiets my mind. The thing with pots is that when I get bored I can move them around and redistribute colour and foliage. I also do handwork and at the moment am making Twiddle Muffs for the nursing home I visit. Always something to do to keep boredom at bay. Of course I am two handed so don't know what handwork you could do. I do know a lady who has only one hand which is usable and does tapestry on a frame. And there is always sitting in the sun and daydreaming.....

Wow Asha, a cat with nine lives indeed. Stay with us, we need you, you are my guru.

Dean, thanks for coming back and posting an update, a friend from here and I were talking about you the other day. You still have much to teach the newbies on here, because as you know new people join every day. Those of us who have been around for a while remember you and the good advice you gave. Glad you are doing well.

My washing machine is back in action and I have clean sweet smelling clothes to wear...yahooo! Our weather is still showery but there was enough sunshine today to get the clothes out blowing in the wind. I love the smell of sun dried clothes.

Tracy, you have just written a beautifully balanced blog. You can see that things that need to be changed and that is a challenge, but you can also see how far you have come. You will do it, the seasonal changes are always difficult, for me too as we have just gone off Daylight saving and I sprang out of bed an hour early this morning, what would have been the usual time last week so now I have missed out on an hour's sleep. But we will both adjust as time goes by.

Life has many ways of connecting people. I have just been up to visit my daughter and her family for a few days. It had been three months since I had been up there, I get entangled in issues locally and it soaks up my time. I have to reset my priorities. The weather was what we have been having here, brilliant sunshine followed by pouring rain, the left over vestiges of a cyclone in Northern Queensland. It has been wet most of the month of March and now April is looking as if the weather will be similar. In fact we have had so much rain one of our major dams has filled to what may soon be a dangerous level. I feel so sorry for people as the news presents stories of ruined homes and businesses in the worst flood affected areas. What a struggle it will be for them to recover from that. I enjoyed being with my family. It is good to sit down and even just watch TV with someone else in the room.It is also good to engage in conversations with them as individuals. Like most families we don't talk a lot except the occasional phone call so just the opportunity to catch up with what is happening in school for the grandchildren, both now in high school, was very pleasing. My grandson is very like me, very language orientated and so he wants his essays and projects to be perfect. Perfection is a hard taskmaster. I hope he eventually can see that life is not all about perfection. I learned that the hard way when Ray had the strokes, I had to put up with the imperfections of life and just do the best job I could. On the way home today I called in and saw a member of Strokenet “elizabethc”. We knew each other on an Aussie site before she came on here. The Stroke Foundation offered forums and a lot of information but not chat which is why I fitted in so easily here. Elizabeth is a stroke survivor and lives with her husband who is also her caregiver a few suburbs over from my daughter now so my daughter led the way for me and we found her house quite easily. Elizabeth and I have been promising to catch up with each other for some years so that was another “members meeting members” promise fulfilled, I'm doing well on that this year. We ranged over a wide area of discussion in the four hours we were together and it was great to catch up with her and her husband and we have promised to meet up again. Elizabeth was the person who recommended one of my blog to be published in The Stroke Foundation's newsletter. She was taken by the idea of the wonderful Women's Weekend for Survivors and Caregivers that the WAGS group I still belong to holds in November each year and by my description of my experience there. It was good to be able to share with her some of the stories from our (Ray's and mine) journey through stroke recovery and finally Ray's passing. There is a lesson to be shared in every experience we have. I have always been very grateful to this site for the wealth of knowledge and the great support I have received here. It certainly kept me sane as life changed again and again for Ray and me. Thank you to all who have made a contribution by offering a comment on a blog or post I have made or met with me in chat. I also went to Shirley's Salvation Army meeting on Sunday and marveled again at the benefits of joining a group of like minded people where we are able to share our experiences. Several of her members were overseas missionaries and had a good deal to share about their adventures in India, Papua/New Guinea and South America over the morning tea which followed the service. I love to talk to people who have had an interesting life and love to listen to their stories. That was the benefit of the groups I have belonged to over the years, those exchanges of ideas. We can learn so much from others as we do here as we share the ups and downs of the stroke recovery process. I would always suggest joining a stroke recovery group if possible. Elizabeth talked about the lack of knowledge given when a person first has a stroke, hopefully that has improved over the years. I know from my experiences with Ray what she was talking about. It is like rehabilitation was some kind of secret and you only got to do it if you knew the password sometimes. I have learned so much over the years that I wished someone had told me in those first few weeks after Ray stroked. I am trying to avoid having another busy week after last week with it's two funerals so am taking tomorrow off to do various things around the house. Hopefully my handyman will come despite the rain and my washing machine will be back in place by mid-afternoon and I can go on with some of my other chores. There is so much to do in a house and garden and that sometimes means I have to have a few days at home to tackle some of the tasks on my list. Not popular with my church affiliates sometimes but a girl has to do what a girl has to do....lol. I also have a few small chores my handyman may be able to do, some of them a little more costly but it is worth it to be able to tick off a few ore items off my "must do" list.

It is hard to lose a good friend. We have so many happy memories and we can no longer share them together. <3 and hugs Kelli

Definitely not looking forward to winter. We go off daylight saving next weekend and I know suddenly it will be dark at 5.30pm again. As I am a six hour sleeper that means a lot of long dark nights alone. I just love daylight saving as it means long days when I can be busy and still have time to sit on the verandah and read until the sun goes down, have a late evening meal, and go to bed just before midnight feeling that I have done something worthwhile with my time. I have a lot of hand work to do. I am working on items called twiddle muffs, 40 stitches wide 23 inches long sewn up the sides and doubled over, decorated with all manner of things, in my case large buttons, bows, lace roses ( which I make myself) and similar things. The muffs are given to dementia patients so they can have it on one arm for warmth. They can feel the different textures and enjoy the bright colours. It is decorated inside and out so if they become bored with one side it is reversible. The days have been easy to fill since the rain ended and we have been back to sunny days. There is plenty to do in the house and much to do in the garden and so the days have been used up in general tidying up and ticking things off the "to do" list. I also have had a handyman in doing some of the small jobs, like changing power points. He is a friend so only charges for parts. He can't do a lot but I am happy to cross some things off my list at last. I have bought a new laundry tub to install and when he fixes one of my down pipes near the back door that will make a real difference when it rains. He is looking to see what other small jobs he can do before I pay for tradesmen to come in. He does remind me of Ray but has firmly stated he is not looking for a girlfriend right now so my hopes are dashed...lol. I have also been busy with the church, unfortunately not in fun happenings but attending more funerals. We seem to have had a viral chest infection in our nursing homes that has been affecting those I visit and I have lost three of them this year already, it is always sad to bid farewell to people I have been ministering to for years. On Saturday I did our Market Day and when I got home around 2pm was called to a nursing home at the request of the family to do prayers for a lady who was dying. I find that really hard to do but know that I've had the training and need to put it to use. The family were just grateful that someone from "the church" had turned up was how they expressed it. She died Saturday night and I am now awaiting funeral arrangements. I always think of the funerals as my last visit. It is hard to say "goodbye" when I have been visiting them for years. i usually say some of the prayers and do a reading if the family wants me to. I am trying to get away for a few days but it is difficult to do when there is a lot to do here. Shirley is insisting I go there for a few days as I have not been up since January and Trevor wants me to go to Broken Hill which I will probably leave until May. I love my kids and grandchildren but find it hard when I am the one doing all the travelling. I should do as much travelling as I can particularly while I am able to, I know that, and my friends keep reminding me to do what I can while I have good health and the energy. But I still hate travelling alone. I know I have to get past that and have some things planned that I would enjoy. I can't turn back the clock and as usual it is ticking away. I read a lot of information about what widows should do to recover their own lives and some of it makes sense and I know I should follow some of the advice as it is what I need to do to move on but putting it into practice is somewhat more difficult. The season is changing, you can feel the temperature dropping as soon as the sun goes down now. Unhappily we are still having quite humid days. The spiders have been busy during the long rainy days and definitely the long handled web broom will be put to good use tomorrow. I would like to do as much outdoors work as I can while it is fine. The bromeliads need repotting and so so some of the other plants. The brush turkey has been in my yard again and knocked over the plant troughs on the wall near the car port so I lost the new parsley plants and a trough full of spring onions that I was using as chives. I love our wildlife but not when they destroy my garden. Between the brush turkeys and the possums I lose a lot of parsley so I just have to keep replanting it. I keep as much seed as I can as that saves me buying more packet seed which is quite expensive. Is life good? Yes it is. I have decided that I do now take life more as it comes. I have those moments when everything seems out of my control, I am sure we all do. I find enough work to do, enough people to talk to, enough to keep me interested at present but know that winter brings a different set of challenges. In the past I have planned a mid winter break but don't think I will do so this year. I have a few lady friends who have told me that if I want a travelling companion they are willing to go with me but when I ask them about a particular trip they always have other plans it seems. It is one of the problems widows face, the choice of staying at home or travelling alone. At the chance of looking a scaredy cat I can say that I do make plans but they rarely come to fruition. The trip to Hawaii was the exception as I did it for Sarah's sake. I so wanted to keep my promise of "one day in Hawaii" and we did it. Sometimes I want to start a wish list or bucket list of all the things I would like to do but know if I did so it would just turn into another list of things I HAD to do. I want to do things for pleasure not because someone says they are what I should do. I don't want to do something because it is the recommended thing to do for the over 60s but because I want to do them more than I want to stay in the safety of my home. I am still looking for that man with a camper van but that might never happen either so I have to settle for things I am able to afford and able to do alone. Life is never going to go back to what it was and may move forward contrary to the way I would like it to be. I know that because I am a practical thinker. Always have been. But I was also a team player, part of that couple called Ray'n'Sue. And maybe in a way I will always be that too. Moving on is a lot harder than you think and there is still some sense of loss that will always be a part of my life as it goes forward. Just hope somehow I can get past that way of thinking.

Asha, yo always have a way of looking at the world that makes me feel better on the day I read your blog. Thank you.

I know a few young adults who live in a nursing home. Some because of pain meds that can only be authorised there, some because of mobility issues, some because basically there is no-one who will take the responsibility of looking after them as much as they need. I wonder if you can work on some therapy you can do with just the minimum equipment. I am thinking of a bar to hold onto while you do some knee bends we used to use the verandah rail while I spotted for Ray. A rolled up towel is not a foam roll but better than nothing. Think about sitting in a chair and rolling a ball backwards and forwards with your foot to strengthen your ankle too. I know Ray got very frustrated with his lack of progress he last few years he was home with me. It was our plan to do a lot of things in our retirement that never happened because of his condition. He did have a year in a nursing home at the end of his life when he got beyond my ability to look after him. I will always have some regrets about that. But I did go every day to make sure he got the best treatment possible.

Pam,you do your best with what you've got. I have been around nursing homes for a long time and I can tell you some are good and do the best they can for their residents, some just like to make a profit. You are smart to simply take advantage of what there is. I wish things were different for you but know you will make the most of everything that comes your way and I admire you for that.

I'm glad there are things that make you happy Pam. Sometimes it is hard to count your blessings but it helps to pick up your mood. The shamrock socks sound lovely and the green nail polish. Doesn't take much to help others, a cheery smile and a wave will do it some days.

It's raining. It has been raining for about ten days now. I know this has to happen if we are to live in a beautiful green world but day after day of rain makes me blue. It isn't cold rain, as we are on the end of what has been a hot summer we still have a lot of humidity so it is gray, rainy and warm and humid at the same time so I don't have a lot of energy for clearing up the inside of the house and am short on time when it is not raining to do the garden tidy up I need to do. There are so many wet,decaying leaves lying on the driveways and footpaths that taking a walk is a bit of a hazard too so I am spending far too much time inside. I have already cleaned out some of my messier drawers so I guess doing a general tidy up inside is what I need to do. I find that boring when I look out and would much rather be outside in the garden. Rain blights my social life too, on Tuesday I went to a morning tea and for the first hour was the only person there as it is outside in a nice spot but not a lot of protection from the weather. Normally at this time of the year we would be basking in the last of the warm days and enjoying the autumn tones. I depend on my groups that I belong to for my social life now. My kids keep in contact but not as often as I would like them to and I dropped out of a lot of couples' worlds when I became a widow, that just seems to be the way life works. I could join a lot more organisations and do more charity work but I am trying to balance life out more. I love what I do in the church and my Lions Club but I know I spend too much time with the sick and old in our community and I really need some activities that are positive and make me feel good now. Because of the rain I have not seen my usual "widow buddies" at the shops as they are not coming out because of the rain so that is isolating too. I know when winter comes I will spend more time alone. I managed okay last winter as we had a lot of dry and sunny days and I was going out with my man friend once a week, since that ended I have felt lonelier I suppose and as usual my peer group are packing their caravans and RVs and travelling north following the sun. I do have a lot of people I can sit with and chat and have coffee with when I see them but they are not the kind of people who are going to phone me or drop by and stay for a while so I have to go out to see them. We live in a place where that is the lifestyle. So a day at home means I see no-one. It might soon be time for me to find a retirement community I think I would be comfortable in, so I have people around me again. I miss Ray, I miss the life we had before and after the first stroke. I don't miss what happened in the last couple of years of his life, those were the hard years for both of us. Now I have freedom but it comes with loneliness and a kind of disconnect that was quite unexpected. I need to go out and get a pile of books and a basket full of old movies so I can relax and enjoy what is ahead for me. Not that any of us know what is ahead, who would have thought I would go to Hawaii for instance? My phone and computer had problems from January on but now I have a new provider and a quicker service and hopefully things will be easier. I will be on the board more again and once I have a handle on this new system should be back as Blog Moderator etc. How about updating your blog for me so I have something to comment on? I managed to update my own computer system with the help of a Support Person so am proud of myself for doing that. When I had sons close by they would have done it for me but now they are all too far away to help me out. I know I have to be independent but it is a struggle sometimes as it is for all of us who live alone whatever the circumstances. It is hard to be alone in so many ways. I still find it hard to watch couples walking hand in hand and someone at my table asking their spouse would they like coffee and going off and getting it for them. My old house needs a lot of maintenance to keep it going and I have found another handyman who will do some of the smaller jobs for me, replacing light switches,rehanging cupboard doors that need adjusting that kind of thing, then I need a tradesman to do the bigger jobs. I know it is likely the person who buys this house when I sell will have it bulldozed as the land, one street over from the beach and protected by the shape of the hill behind from the worst of the winds is valuable in itself so the house will either be renovated or removed and a new house built. I have been happy to stay on here but it needs a lot of repairing and updating and do I want to do that or move? I just don't know. The handyman did say it is a sixties house which it is, maybe I am still a sixties person at heart? All the time I feel comfortable here I will stay here. I know people must be sick of me saying I need to make some changes and then doing nothing about it. The truth is since Ray died I have never really known what I want my life to be like. I wanted to be one of those old ladies who shared her life with her old husband till they were both in their eighties or nineties, I never envisioned myself as a widow. I do speak to other widows about this and they tell me what they are doing. Some are spending their lives travelling or cruising or catching up with overseas friends, well I at least did that didn't I? Now I don't know what to do next. Going with the flow and seeing what life brings works for me in a way but it is too much like the decisions I don't make could be the ones I should make. I'm wondering if I should get some more counselling to crystallize some sort of vision for the future now.

We all wear many different hats for sure. You wrote with a good deal of sense in this blog. Well done. I hope some of the hats you wear give you happy thoughts as you do the things you have to do as a caregiver, wife etc.

You are both phenomenal women. You achieved separation without a blowup and as you say can look forward to meeting now just to spend time together without stress. Congratulations on launching your daughter into her own space.

Sarah and I met in Hawaii and she commented that but for the fact that our husbands had strokes and we both found Strokenet that we would never have met. It does make you think doesn't it? I am so glad we met via the Blog Community Asha and have shared a part of our journey too.

Just going through a time when life is pretty routine, I often feel that at the end of Summer , start of Autumn (fall) and as we have had a lot of rain I have spent a lot more time indoors than I usually do this time of the year. Which is probably why I am feeling a bit mopey. Since the trip to Hawaii to meet Sarah there hasn't been a lot of excitement in my life. Okay I know that if I want to do anything exciting it is up to me to organise it but once again I am going through a spell where all of my friends seem busy and I feel as if my life is just going around in circles again. I am lucky to have a few people I can ring but get disappointed that I am always the one doing the contacting. I know that is partly because I am the one who has the time. There is always something to do around here but I still feel lonely some days. With that in mind I am again looking for new things to do, so might go to the heated pool once a week for water aerobics or find some classes. I need to expand my mind again as routine dampens down any thoughts of moving out of my comfort zone. Autumn always gets me worried, about the long winter ahead, about the short days and long nights and about whether or not I will remain healthy all the way through. Now I am a widow and on my own it is hard to be here alone and sick so now is the time I start to build up a few instant meals in my freezer so that if I do get sick there is plenty to eat without shopping, cooking or a whole lot of fuss. Of course being on my own I get to choose what I cook and what I eat so that is an advantage. In a quiet week I can recover from the busy weeks I have been having and have finally caught up on my housework again. Always good to see the back of the ironing pile and look out through clean windows. I have a sort of Autumn clean as Spring is far too busy being the beginning of the Christmas season. Autumn cleaning gets those dust bunnies on the run, it helps me locate all of those things I considered lost and helps me review my bags and boxes and drawers. I have just thrown out a lot of paperwork I have held onto for too long and the next decision is how much to bag up clothing I didn't wear through summer this year, or should it be passed on to someone else? I can always take some of it to a charity shop but a lot will turn into cleaning rags. I had an old friend come and give me a quote on some minor work around the place, small things I can no longer do myself like replacing washers in taps and renewing power points. I have a lot more major jobs that need doing but he is just a home handyman so only does small repairs. I find it scary to embark on bigger projects but it is do that or watch my dear old house crumble. I am still not prepared to move into a retirement village but I know each year that becomes more of an option. I find it tough growing old alone now but don't think my marital status is going to change in the years ahead. I had a fall in the shopping centre two days ago, actually more of a case of my feet flying out from under me as I hit a slippery patch, probably a spilled milk drink, and down I went. These days you have to wait for a management person to look you over and tell you when to get up so I sat on the floor for a while. Luckily a friend came and stood by me to keep people moving past so not as embarrassing as it might have been. All I got out of it was a bruised knee and a sore tail but it was a reminder that I am getting more vulnerable to falls now. A cup of coffee with my friend and half an hour of chat made me feel better before I had to drive home again. Next week will be nursing home visits again so I'll be busy. I wanted to go up to my daughter's for a few days but that is not going to work out this month so I need to plan a break next month before the weather changes and the nights get dark earlier. Again it will take some planing. I also want to go out to see my son and grand daughter at Broken Hill before it gets too cold. I wonder where time goes to sometimes. I know as we age we also slow down but time also seems to go faster and it is always harder to fit in to my life the things I really want to do (as opposed to the things I have to do). I have to remember that phrase: "If it has to be it is up to me."

Nancy, you certainly are one brave lady, hope there is an improvement for you. Glad dan is doing well. Hope your life gets both easier and better.

Pam, we all just go on from day to day. Since I have been a widow i have nothing to mark the passing on my days. What I do is fill the time up in any way I can. I know you do too. I am not sure life has meaning of itself, but I think the kindness we are able to show others and the time we share with loved ones are the markers now. Keep going my friend, you are doing well despite your pain and suffering.

You are strong Kelli, but I understand your fear. I have that every time I do something out of my comfort zone. I also think: "Who will rescue me if all this goes wrong?" and the answer is always to take life one day at a time. Your meditation will rebuild you as your mind works out a new path for you. (((Hugs)))