swilkinson

So glad your wife is better and back to work Fred, we were all worried on your behalf. You have had some stress about that too I know so relax and take some deep breaths now. A trip to the Casino will do you both good, a change of scenery is always a good thing..

Oh Sarah, so sad you had all that troube readjusting. And with Gary too. I know that depression does lead to a whole lot of other probems so hopefully you can get a handle on that. The patches sound like the solution to the swallowing problem - I wonder if they come in a form that lasts longer, maybe a week or so so that his body can get more used to it. Eating has always been one of his problems I know. Thanks again for meeting me in Hawaii, it was great to be with you for that time. We did have fun, didn't we?t

I felt the same when my kids left home, two of them came back for a while years later. It's best to make the best of what is good in the relationship and ignore the bad as much as possible and always keep the door open to them.

Pam, it is not easy living in a nursing home as Mum did and Ray did and one day I am sure I will too. That is why I visit some ladies from our church who are in nursing homes, so they see a fresh face, can tell me their stories and we can have that time of friendship. For some I know it will be the only visit that week.

I've had several bad falls since Ray died. Usually caused by not looking where I am going. I usually feel bad for a few days and then it gets better. Hope you feel better soon, No fun getting around in pain. (((hugs)))

I think one of the worst things for me when I was a caregiver was to think that I didn't have a choice. That I had to look after Ray whether I wanted to or not. The solution for me was to get out of bed each morning, put my feet on the floor and and say: “Today I choose to look after Ray.” That way I felt as if I only had to do it for one day and could choose again tomorrow so it was my choice not what fate had inflicted on me. I am only just getting to that place in widowhood now. I have been yearning for the past. Ray and I had 44 years together so that is a long time with one person. Because we never did do all those retirement things we had planned I always felt as if I had been robbed, as if fate had stepped in and swept all of our plans away. Of course that is not so, Ray had the strokes that limited our lives together and eventually lead to his death. It was not something personal in a way as it happens to so many, it was just something that happened in the course of our lives. So now I am looking at life from a different perspective, it has taken four years and more to get to this point so you may call me a slow learner. Today I bought the letters “E” and “N” to complete my word for the year which is ENJOY. I plan to enjoy life. I did that trip to Hawaii to met up with Sarah and that has freed me from some of the anxieties about travelling alone and so I am going to plan a few more short trips for this year, fulfilling some of the other promises I have made. So today I made some enquiries about a couple of trips within Australia, less angst, no currency changes but an opportunity to see some more of this great country. I found that in a couple of cases going as a single person is not a problem as the companies cater for that. I have always considered I had to have a travelling companion but apparently there are other ways of doing things alone now. I guess with so many women being single through death or divorce it is worthwhile to supply services to single women now. So I am looking at some multiple choice questions including where do I want to go, when do I want to go, how long can I afford to be away. It is nice to have some new choices. I have been tied up with church etc but I can free up some time if I want to do so with a little help from others. After all no-one should be so indispensable that they feel as if they are trapped in a voluntary situation. We all need some space to manoeuvre. And that applies to everyone on here too,look for the choices, they are there you just have to find the one that is acceptable. Sarah has posted me a booklet of photos she took of our holiday in Waikiki so I am really looking to get that in the mail. I usually take scenery, I don’t know why so it is nice she has some of the two of us. I did so enjoy my time with her. We have been friends on here for more than ten years so to meet her in person was a real treat for me. As long term caregivers we have so much in common. I know it is four years since Ray died but you never forget those caregiver years. It is milder here now, I am not saying all the hot weather is behind us but we have had some good rain and the nights have been easier to get to sleep with the cooler weather. I am hoping to get some more swimming in before the season ends but if not I have had some time at the beach and will no doubt have time ahead to walk by the local Lake and enjoy the fresh air. I will take advantage of some of the senior discounts, our cheaper bus fares and do a little local “touristy” travelling. There is always places to go and something new to see while the cooler weather lasts. I live in a lovely part of the world and am blessed by my surroundings, the friends I have close by and the church I go to. I went to a 70th birthday party at the weekend , an old school friend who I have known for more than 60 years. It was good to catch up with her brothers and some of her cousins and reminisce about our youth. I will turn 70 myself this year and so have reached those golden years, at least I hope I have. I know there will be aches and pains ahead as I see it in my older friends but hope I can handle that cheerfully. It is right at my age to count my blessings. I am glad I realised at last that I have the ability to make some choices now as I think that will make a difference to my “blue days” when I so want to have Ray back in my life. I know I will never get used to being on my own but surely I can see it as an advantage in some ways.

I am pleased your wife is home again and on the way to recovery. Yes, you both deserve a break and if the casino is where you both want to go, go there and have some fun.

Pam, we are women so we like a little attention, we are alone so we learn to live with that. I have had y name coupled with a few people but to me they are just friends. friendship is all i am interested in but sometimes have a fancy for more than that. I am old too but a little flirting, a little smiling, a little laughter makes me feel young again, just for a little while.

Sounds like a marvellous day out, it was over 40 here so glad you had a cooler day. One of Ray's cousins has a son who is a disabled surfer, After having polio when a small child he thought it a small miracle that he could do this. His surfing friends have given him the name "Sticks". What a difference having volunteers to help you can make. Enjoy this wonderful day out as often as you can.

Ruth, settling into a routine is good as long as you vary it from time to time so it doesn't get boring. I am glad you get that time away from William as you need that. I am sure when Spring comes you will find some outdoor activities to add to the list.

I have just met up with my third overseas Strokenet member, Sarah Rademacher (in the past known as spacie1 and hostsarah now srademacher) and I met in Honolulu and spent time together in Waikiki as we had promised we would. Now I have met Barbara King (Babsz) and her husband Eddie who actually came and stayed with me many years ago and Ann Rogers and now Sarah. Not bad for a girl from the Antipodes. But it was a long way to travel in the case of England where I met Ann at her son's wedding and Hawaii for Sarah and I to meet. Australia is a long way from anywhere. I am only just back from Honolulu, the journey home took 18 hours from the time I started out. I left my hotel in Waikiki earlier than planned as the transfer driver had an earlier pick up than mine so picked me up at 4.30am and I arrived at the airport almost four hours before my flight at 8.30am on Tuesday morning and of course I arrived home at 7pm on Wednesday evening because you lose a day crossing the International Date Line. I did gain most of a day on the Thursday last week on the way over so I guess I can't complain. Sarah and I had a good time together, and there was a lot of laughter. Of course we discussed a lot of sad things to do with her son Dan's death, the way life has changed for her during her time as a caregiver to Gary as it did for me with Ray and a lot of stuff older women discuss. But that kind of sharing does you good as it gives a new perspective to your life. I am so glad we did the visit together as it fulfilled our promise to each other, that we would meet “one day in Hawaii” and in fact we had five days together. Sarah hired a car and we did the visit to Pearl Harbour which is a must if you have service members in your family. I have a fourth cousin from Utah whose late husband was a Pearl Harbour survivor so I stood in the Memorial and thought of those who had died and those like Orville who lived on a little less innocent because of what happened. I really learned a lot from going there. We did some local driving too, those expressways are as fast and furious as the ones here and it is always very hard to find the right exit. I enjoyed the whole Waikiki experience, eating out at a Red Lobster as Kristen who used to be a member here talked in chat in my early days as a chat host about her job as a manager at Red Lobster, as well as hanging out at the Mall, in our case the Ala Moana Centre which is huge and Sarah and I on our visit saw just a fraction of the entire range of shops. We would have something similar here in Australia in the large capital cities I guess but it is a wonderful place to lose yourself in, I could have spend the week there alone. This was my first trip to anywhere in the States so I did have some difficulty identifying money and fond it easier to leave the small change as a tip in the tip jars in the ABC stores. I went to McDonald’s twice for a side salad, the diet I am on with no dairy does make eating out a challenge but I always seemed to find something delicious to eat when Sarah and I went out. I also found out I have to ask for “hot tea” if I want a cup of tea similar to what I drink at home which is mostly Lipton's Tea. I found the people friendly and helpful, there were differences from here but on the whole the experience was positive. The many big hotels on the Waikiki shore with their tropical gardens amazed me and I found it a little like North Queensland where my daughter used to live as it is very lush there too. And it was great to see the surfers and wind surfers enjoying the blue sky days out on the water. We did have a nice pool area in the hotel grounds and I know the “beautiful people” laying around the pool enjoyed it but so did this not so beautiful person. Hey, the water is there for everyone as far as I am concerned. Sarah hired a caregiver to look after Gary so had that to go home to today, I came home to an empty house, no responsibilities now. I always feel sad when I come home but that is the lot of all widows, no-one to share with. So it was lovely to have a few days sharing life with Sarah. Thank you so much Sarah for making that long trip to fulfill a promise.

Jay, thanks for your thoughts and the work you d to make a difference to people who have suffered strokes,there should be a medal for what you do.

Judy, lovely to have you back. Yes, I think my Ray thought one day he would wake up and it had all been a dream and i hated watching him slowly deteriorating. We as caregivers just get through life with our own thoughts about issues and yet have to have great empathy for the one we are caring for.. Just keep on doing what you are doing but remember you need to live life as well, I can tell you, looking back, it is all we have of value. (((hugs)))

Asha, you are right it is wonderful the blogs are back. I hope the movie is shown in Australia, if it is I will try to see it. Women throughout history have been hidden for so many reasons it is good we are acknowledging some of them now.

How good it is to have the blogs back and finally catch up with the people who post regularly, the members of the Blog Community. I have been reading blogs here since 2005 so I have read thousands in my time on here and I admit to being a blogoholic. And I really miss you all when you are not blogging for some reason or when the blogs are down. It happens from time to time that I am away and not able to access a computer and that precipitates withdrawals if it happens for too long. So you were all missed. The first month of the year is always difficult for me, it is the aftermath of all that busyness before Christmas I think. Also here in Australia it is summer and humid and the days are long so I need more activity to fill them up when the last thing I feel like doing is being energetic. And it is school holidays so everything is either postponed or off until February and so there is no set pattern to life. For me January is reading month so a lot of light fiction and the opportunity to say “ no housework today” and sit and relax. It is great to be able to do that now I am not a full time caregiver for anyone. January is also the bad news, the first couple of funerals for the year. This leads out of the pastoral care work I do for the church and the fact that I have in the past belonged to so many organisations that now I am burying the older friends who supported me in the early days of my stroke journey with Ray. A friend in need is a friend indeed and I have never forgotten those people who stood by us through the bad times. I know for some people the idea is to leave all of that behind and “move on” but that is not for me, if you are a friend when I need you then you go on being a friend. I always say I drag my friends through life with me. And so life goes on. Good days and bad days, sweet days and sad days, as the song says. The sweet times were with my son and grand daughter Alice in Broken Hill, I was with them for the first nine days and that was a great time. As Alice had also been with me for Christmas at my house she was used to me being around. On the first day of access after I left she insisted on looking in Granny Sue's caravan to make sure Daddy was right and I wasn't there. I have heard from her since and she is still chatting away as if I was right there. In fact we did a walk “together” with Daddy holding the phone and her chatting to me as they walked, a small child's imagination in action. My daughter and grand daughter Naomi also came down for a couple of nights. I had been without a phone and computer access for a week ( long story) and she set up an old mobile (cell) phone for me. I have resisted having a portable phone of any kind as I figure you can leave a message for me on Facebook, send me an email, send me a letter and that is fine but without a phone and a computer I admit I did find it hard to keep in touch, so now I carry a phone and use a USB stick modem so I can do some work on the computer. Hopefully I will have the landline and full access back soon and will be able to do more. Church is slowly gearing back up to start the year as we do with meetings, meetings and more meetings in February/March so I am going to be trotting along at my normal pace soon. And I think I am not a race horse or a rocking horse I am a little trotter, one of those about the size of a pit pony. I will go on working with older folk and children in ministry. I have a new lady to visit in a different nursing home this year and on Wednesday I go to a funeral to farewell another lady I have been visiting for four years. That is the downside of pastoral work, the people I have come to love die. Stark truth, but I have done what I could for them and that has to be enough. So January will fade away and February take it's place. Happy New Year everybody! Whoops we have used up a month already. I hope some of your resolutions are coming to fruition and others, well sadly not all resolutions become facts. But as your northern winter passes slowly by remember you are a month closer to Spring. May all your hopes and dreams for the year ahead come true.

George, glad you are back on track and ready to roll. May is a good time to hit New Zealand, before it is too cold. Happy travelling.

Pam, it sounds as if the New Year has started well for you, long may it continue.

Great to see you back blogging and i al really glad to see your positive approach to the New Year. Yes, you would be looking forward to Spring, Ray suffered in winter too. We do not have a cold winter here but I also always welcome Spring. ((((hugs)))

Pam, giving love out in whatever form you can helps, you are a giver like me so you always look for someone to help. I have little old ladies I visit and when they sit and talk and smile that helps me as much as it helps them. Family and friends, in the end it is all we need.

It is nice to get presents, the comforter sounds great for your cold winters, and jewelry is always nice, especially if it is inscribed with a loving message. .

We surely can - be prepared to ENJOY every minute!

I am a born nurturer. I had thirteen years looking after my dear Ray before he died, I thought that was the end of my caregiving days but somehow I just go on caring for people, not in my home, not every day but as the need arises. I do this partly as the pastoral worker for my church and partly out in the community with the friends I have made in the dementia and stroke groups. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing it, but I do get tired, sometimes very tired. So a few days out in desert country with my son cooking the meals and not being expected to do much was a real break. I love Broken Hill, it may be really hot, hot, hot and it may be a dustylittle city with those winds blowing out of the desert but it is serene and uncomplicated and I know I am in the country not the suburbs. I had Trevor here for a few days before Christmas and enjoyed his company. We did some shopping, he did some odd jobs that needed doing and we bought a dresser to replace one I hoped he could fix but he couldn't. Mind you I had had it since the 70s so I guess it didn't owe me anything.He also had his access visits from his little daughter Alice while he was here, her first time sleeping overnight at Granny Sue's place and we had a lot of fun with her. I enjoyed cooking for two or three instead of just for one. We had some meals out too which was nice, no slaving over the stove in our summer heat. And we also enjoyed meals out with my other former daughter-in-law and my other three grandchildren who are with their Mum for the summer holidays so that was great too. I hadn't been looking forward to Christmas, the being on your own thing somehow gets in the way of total enjoyment, to me there is always a place that should have had Ray in it. I know after four years maybe people are right when they say "you should be over it" and on the whole I am but special days like Christmas Day, Father's Day, birthdays and holidays still get to me and I want to be a part of that original couple Sue'n'Ray.There are so many memories attached to that name, so many past experiences, it is hard to shake off the feeling that on my own I am incomplete. So I sat at my daughter's table,enjoyed the massive Christmas dinner her husband Craig cooked, watched the six grandchildren enjoying themselves getting to know each other again, smiled, chatted, laughed but had that empty feeling inside. Craig's mother who is also a widow had a sad look on her face too so I guess she was feeling the same. But the after Christmas days flew by and then Trevor and I were off to Broken Hill. Before we left we did have a nephew and his family call in to see us and to catch up with Trevor and Alice, his teenage girls took an interest in Alice and with an older step-brother she is comfortable around teenagers so it was a lovely visit. Although we arrived at Broken Hill on New Year's Eve in time for our evening meal I didn't see New Year's Day in, after a fourteen hour drive and having left home at 4am I let the world celebrate on it's own. I don't think Trevor stayed up either. But it is good to feel I was not apart from family even if I was away from home, I have had so many visits to Broken Hill it just seems like an extension of home to me now. I love my caravan, it is too hot in summer to have an afternoon nap in it but just to have a place to retreat to is good. Out in my caravan I feel independent and always get a good night's sleep with the exception of a couple of really humid nights when I tossed and turned a bit. Trevor did work a few hours while I was there but I always have books to read with me so I can do that anywhere. It is part of my life now, the capability to sit down and read whenever I have nothing else I need to do. How I longed for that time to come when I was so busy being a caregiver 24/7 but really I do often feel at times as if my life is empty of purpose now. At my age I doubt that is going to change, all I can really do is try to fill up the time with worthwhile pursuits. I never really trained for retirement. I left work to look after Ray and Mum and Dad, Dad died and eventually Mum went into care and then I just looked after Ray. I looked after him at home and visited him daily in the nursing home when he went into care so retirement came to me with his death, no pre-training, no golden handshake, just the realisation that time without a particular purpose stretched ahead of me. For a while I was very lost and lonely but recently have felt that I am okay now, okay with filling up my time and ending the day satisfied I have done something with my time. I am hoping to build on that this year, to do a few things differently. So my word for this year is: ENJOY. I had JOY as my word for 2016 and I did find some joy in each day but sometimes it took a bit of effort to find it. This year I am going to try to enjoy the day as it goes along. I know it will not be possible every day as we all have our ups and downs but it will be in the back of my mind that I mean to enjoy the day. None of us know how much life we have left, especially at my age but I realise now that what life will bring it will bring and somehow we have to get used to the idea that life is not within our power to control. I see people struggling with that thought here and in the real world I live in. We all want to think we can control our own destiny. I too want to have some control over my life but know now with the wisdom born of pain that it is not going to be more than a little control. And in 2017 I need to learn to be happy with that.

Sandy,glad you were able to have help over the Christmas period for the clean up after the fire, it is a blessing to have help when you need it most. I think Bob understood what was happening too. I read to Ray a lot when he was in the nursing home, it was an activity he could participate in when he was confined to his bed after a fall or because he had a chest infection. I mostly read short stories on topics he was interested in. He loved one of the books about Outback Pubs as a few of them he had visited in his trucker days when he was young so it recalled a few happy memories for him.

Very well put Jay, ministering to others is always a two-way street, you get back what you give. Of course sometimes the person is in a bad way so unable to partcipate so if it is not from the person you are with right now then from the next one.

Just back from a trip out to my son's place,out in what we call the Outback. Once out of town it is a place of stark beauty and the rich red landscape is certainly a beautiful destination at the end of a rough road.