swilkinson

Such a positive start to the year, remembering the good times., looking forward to even better times. Thank you Asha for being one of the constant bloggers on here and providing us with such wisdom over so many years. Happy New Year!.

Hey Tracy, so nice to see you back in the Blog Community. I missed the blogs so much as I felt as if I was cut off from my friends here. Your blog is so uplifting, yes indeed, a new normal, a fresh perspective and the excitement of things to come. Happy New Year!

Me too Asha, we all feel silly some days. But for a pick me up do compare yourself today to where you once were. I am sad sometimes being alone now but then I remember some of the bad times from my past and know I am in a good place now. And no-one pretends to like you.. a lot of them love you and just don't know how to put that into words. :You-Rock:

Wow, that is scary. Mostly our neighbourhood is pretty quiet but occasionally there is a domestic violence case from close by. i hate to think of violence in the home but know it can be there.

Must be the Christmas moon Tracy is all I can say.

Thanks Susan, for a beautiful thoughtful blog.

All the very best to you and your family at this very special time of the year.

Tracy, I think we have all been there at some time. I remember one year we were out of money and had a home made present Christmas where I got gifts like a comb case and plants grown from seed and a whole range of drawings from the kids, that made me just as happy as more expensive gifts. And all we had to eat was a tin of ham and the usual salad vegtables and that was fine too.As long as it is given with love who cares?

George, nothing like a nice cup of tea. Sorry about the liver spot, hopefully nothing to worry about. Enjoy your time at home. Yes, I've got a lot of those books on the shelf I wish I had time to read. Won't wish too hard through as the only way I find time is from something like sitting with one leg in plaster or a similar event so I will not tempt fate. Big hug to Lesley too. Us Antipodeans have to stick together. Have a good holiday-at-home.

As a caregiver for thirteen years I lost my personality. I became Sue, caregiver to Ray. I wore sensible shoes, practical outfits and had my hair cut short so I could just wash it and brush it and it dried by itself. Ray was the focus of my life. What Ray needed was routine, regular sleep patterns, more time at home, and because as he had stroke after stroke my workload increased and I spent my days waiting on Ray. I was an independent working woman when he stroked in 1999 and it was hard to adjust and I took a while to settle down into the nurse/housekeeper role but I did it. In the end you do it out of love you have for the one you care for. I would give up anything for Ray and I did give up a lot. In a way I lost my femininity too. I remember the first time I broke a heel off a high heel shoe on a grating. When you are pushing a wheelchair it is hard to see the hazards so I trod down, got the heel caught and broke it off getting it out. Out went all my high heel shoes and I settled for those with flat soles, I tried to get some pretty ones but in the end wore what was comfortable and practical and cheap because by then the costs of living with an invalid was evident. So, adjusting to being that caregiver was hard. My heart goes out to every person on this board in that position. It is not one we chose but for a variety of reasons we choose to stay and take on the new role. Not everyone does. I often heard the stories of the partner who moved out. Sad, sad stories a lot of them. Not everyone can cope with the changes not only physical changes but mental changes too. My thoughtful man turned into an introvert with not a lot to say and that "can we go home now?" look started to cut out our social life. Our friends gradually dropped away as they realised we could no longer join in the activities they had shared with us. We did have some social life and still did some travelling with the coach holidays which stopped in 2006 because I knew Ray wasn't coping with changing rooms night after night. I wanted to go on cruises but his balance issues would have made that too dangerous. Now with the ships more stabilized I could have done that. It is all about timing isn't it?. So our lives became more restricted. I am not going to go further into the woes of a caregiver as I have a lot of blogs on here about that subject. Just started this to illustrate what I feel about my life now. I am finally getting my life back. Not the work part of it now though as I am 69 but the freedom to be me part. It has taken four years from when Ray died to get to this point but at last I am free to look feminine, wear more colorful clothes, even wear a small heel. At barely five feet tall now that is not a big deal but somehow it makes me feel better. I like to look like a woman and to me that means color and style. Okay I am not a pretty woman but appearance is more important to me now. Pity my social life is mostly coffee or lunch out with other widows but that is okay, it is a social life. But I know it will never replace what I once had. No-one will replace what I had with Ray. I have a photo of Ray and I on our 40th wedding anniversary, I have an unflattering hairstyle and I look so OLD. I think older than I do now. It was partly exhaustion and partly the worried look of a caregiver who knows that the party she has given to celebrate an event, the 40th wedding anniversary, is simply too much for the partner sitting beside her. I am glad I did it as I have those precious memories and so do all of the people who attended. Men from my Lions Club had a group called the KB Singers formed to entertain at nursing homes and other similar facilities and they sang for our guests. Occasionally one will remember and say: " I remember singing at your 40th anniversary, what year was that?" Yes, it is good that we all have those precious memories and someone to share them with even if it is not the ones closest to us. One of my New Years resolutions is to take more photos. I gave that up in my caregiving years as it was always Ray with a worried look on his face. One of the strokes took away his ability to smile. I think that is fairly common but it means the attractive grin that he had in his younger days disappeared. As did his ability to make pretty speeches and express his loving nature. I know it was still there but he was unable to express himself as he had before the fourth, fifth and sixth stroke. Women might understand when I say that was very hard to bear. It is hard to work constantly for someone who no longer says: "thank you". I know Ray did appreciate what I was doing for him, in my heart I knew that lovely Ray I was married to was still there, but was no longer able to articulate what he wanted to. In the end the neurologist noted him down as having aphasia - a sad diagnosis. And the added diagnosis of dementia. I look back now and I wonder how we survived, as a couple, as a family and as members of the church and community. But somehow we did. Four years later I still bump into people from my past and they look at me and say: "And Ray?" and I say: "Sadly he died four years ago." and they smile sadly. What do you say to a widow...at first and then later? A sad smile has to fill the gap. That sadness does not go away, the pain dulls to bearable but the sadness does not go away. This is not meant to be a sad blog. With the holidays approaching and the preparations in full swing it is impossible not to think of the past, the family events, the events that stand out in my mind, Christmases past in particular. I am going to my daughters place on Christmas Day. I have my younger son Trevor coming to stay for eight days. I am sure it will be a good time with many happy memories to share. I need to take more photographs. I need to capture the precious moments because sometimes that is hard to recall when you have no-one to share those memories with. The past stands out but the present slips past filled with uneventful days. That is part of being a widow. .

Good tradition Jay, something you can enjoy making and eating as well as giving, with some good fun included.

Good for you Tracy, a lot of effort and a pleasing result. Keep on going.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too Fred. You are right, Christmas will be here before we know it and I have a heap of things to do before then. It is a busy time of the year for us in Australia, summer, end of year, school holidays and Christmas all rolled into one so lots to do. Keep on going the way you are going Fred, choose what you do and where you go and make your life as good as you can.

Tracy, do as much as you can manage, because some task is on a list doesn't mean it is doable. I used to work from lists and in my busy times, like when Ray was at Daycare, I could get a lot of things finished on the list but other times thing got in the way and I had to jettison some of the tasks. Pencil in time for you to relax too, you need that time out from busyness.

Don't lose too much weight Sarah or they will think I am your little tubby friend. I've been trying to lose the 8lbs I gained in winter but so far only 4 of them. I must admit I have been eating out a lot lately with end of year functions so have not made a lot of effort. Happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year to you and yours. Really looking forward to meeting you in Hawaii. Not long to go now.

Glad yo are okay Kelli, what would we do without you. Only decaffeinated coffee from now on and maybe just a cup a day. Only had tachycardia once ( caused b a virus) and boy I know how scary that is. (((hugs)))

Heather, you sure are branching out. good for you. As a "single lady" I often get that "chicken out" feeling, but I know that when I move out of my comfort zone that is always a plus. Even if it is not the best evening out at least I can pat myself on the back for simply doing it. Well done.

We all have angels in our lives, not the heavenly kind but the earthly kind, the people who bring us hope. I went to my second most favorite day of the year, the day of the WAGS (Working Age group for Stroke) Christmas party. This is my second favorite day because it is a festive and fabulous day of friendship, food and dancing! Today we had a large gathering, survivors, caregivers and some supportive friends or family members and yes, there was good food, yes, there was a lot of chat and laughter and yes, there was dancing! My first partner is always one of the survivors, Robin and I have had a dance together for four years now. He always apologizes because he is a slow dancer but I don't care, he can dance and smile and have a good time so he is a great partner. As at the Women's Weekend at the Christmas party the women often dance alone as their husbands, friends or partners cannot dance with them. I was the same when Ray was alive as he could not dance either. But it never seems to matter, the music plays and we dance. The DJ today played non-stop music for two hours and we went on and off the floor as we went back to have another glass of water or to mop our brows but it was such great fun. At the Christmas party some of the partners do dance and that is great to see. I must admit that I do have a tear or two whenever I see couples dancing together as it reminds me of my loss but there are several widows among us now and so I am not alone in this. I never feel more alive than when I am dancing. Dancing was once such a big part of my life, the lives of Ray and I as a couple and even with our children as we taught them to dance also. I am glad I went back to doing "Just Dance" again as it certainly has improved my stamina and now I can dance for quite a while without needing a break, which is good. Some of the survivors are young (early thirties) and keep on urging me and other older women back onto the dance floor to keep them company. I love the WAGS people, they have all been angels in my life from time to time, when I have been down, when the worst period of my life, the last two years with Ray, were dominated by sadness and frustration and old fashioned exhaustion they understood and supported me. I will always be grateful for that which is why I continue to support them in any way I can. One of the caregivers from that group meets up with a group of older fellows in our shopping centre and sometimes I do too. They are the group her stroke survivor son sits with while she shops. This week she took a cake and some other goodies to have a morning tea for one of the men who turned 94 on Monday. He was so pleased that after we had sung "Happy Birthday" (to the amusement of other people in the Food Court) he got quite tearful. It is amazing what a small act of kindness can do. Which is why I continue to associate with the WAGS group and other groups that I have belonged to. Your caring does not cease when the person you are looking after dies, we all need care of some kind, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to share a laugh with. And that is what I look forward to in my widowhood. I could stay at home isolated and depressed or I can get out and join the world. And maybe do a good deed or two out in the community. Summer is here now, both officially and in reality. The hot days and humid nights have begun. Some times I have a lot of trouble sleeping, I have a fan but not an air conditioner in my bedroom. I don't like air conditioners as I much prefer to feel a breeze in the room if there is one. Unfortunately the last few nights have been pretty still so I have not had not a lot of sleep. This was a problem when I was looking after Ray but now I can have an afternoon nap if I need one. Today when I came home from the party I slept for two hours. I guess all that dancing tired me out, but it is a good tired when you are worn out from doing something you enjoy. And of course I am getting older and dancing is a vigorous exercise. I am doing some Christmas cards now. I am not sending out a lot as I will send greetings via Facebook and email as well, no sense in doubling up. If you are on my Facebook page you know what I am doing most of the time, not as much as if you read in the blogs of course as I don't put a lot of personal information on line, more often I'm posting pictures with an occasional comment. You see pictures of my grandchildren, my church activities and my thoughts for the day. I advertise the Lions Club events sometimes and details of other things I am involved in. It is a pity this has replaced personal letters but that is the mechanics of the world we live in. I am grateful to be able to stay in touch with so many people as that too stops me from being isolated. Life is good. Well not good every day though I do like to stop and think about the good things at the end of each day. My word for this year was "Joy" and I think I can find some joy in every day including the days when things go wrong. It is harder then but if you look at each day there seem to be rays of sunshine peeking through the clouds wherever you look. It is better to look on the bright side of life rather than the gloomy side. I have had many occasions in the past when I have sat on the pity pot and sometimes I still do. That again is things like seeing those couples walking arm in arm or when I am at a function and realise that I am completely alone. Because I am no longer a member of a couple and when I go home I go back to an empty house. Then I might feel sorry for myself for a moment or two. But on the whole I am okay and my life is manageable. And to a certain extent like Asha is always telling me, I do go with the flow, take the path of least resistance, try and find something good in every situation. And that is when I see that glimpse of an angel delivering good things into my life.

Sounds like you are frustrated at every turn so time to celebrate each victory. Give yourself permission to be happy when the walker arrives, when things that are promised do happen. Take each day as it comes Pam, it is all any of us can do.(((hugs)))

Pam, you are going through a bad patch right now, trying to be fearless is hard on you when you just want to be peaceful and relaxed and enjoy the room. So just pace yourself, choose the battles you know you can win, use the earbuds to block out as much as you can. Find a happy place and go there to meditate when you can, you need to meditate to restore your well being. I can't imagine what you are going through so that is all the advice I can give you, (((hugs)))

The happy dance is the best idea. Think it is all great until you have been told otherwise. Positive thinking is good for you. Have a good week Jay.

Tracy, you are a great list maker and I know if you put something on your list you try to tick it off so be bountiful with your ideas and then if you do 50% of them you will still make a great job of it. I love to make some of the ornaments myself, always go to the charity shops for extras in the colors I have chosen and for next to nothing there I am with a great display. I love your energy. You are a great person just by yourself young lady. I know the depression gets to us all sometimes (mine is about being alone too) but somehow we struggle past it and go on with life. Hurray for us!!!

Fred, you are right, Christmas shopping is in full swing here too. I guess people need a few pays to buy all they need. And here where school breaks up mid December it is better for the old folk to shop now rather than when the shops are full of school aged children on holidays.

Life for you and me is made up of tiny steps towards wholeness. I noticed that a long time ago. No big changes just a slow turning back to what is right and good for us.