swilkinson

Pam: Prayers coming your way for this tiny much loved baby. May you all have strength to endure whatever lies ahead. Sue.

Gosh Tracy, that is NOT good news. I hope it turns out to be less invasive than your doctor thinks. It is not what you need after your stroke and all the problems you have been having. I would say you are strong enough to face this but I know how soon that gets old. So just big (((HUGS))) and praying there are better times ahead.

That is lovely Tracy,what a great idea.

A big Thank you to the "guests" who came to Caregiver Chat for my retirement party. I have been a Chat Host for eleven years and I am stepping down for many reasons. I am not leaving the site as I will still be the Blog Moderator. I will not be on chat as often but will call in from time to time. I am sure Host Sally will do her usual amazing job and all will be well. There will always be someone there to support you when you need it. To the many people who gave up an hour of the evening to be with me in the Caregiver Chat room tonight, thank you so much, for your kind words, for your support and for all you contribute to this site. Nice to have chatters from the past come back for the event too. I've picked myself up after the September anniversaries, Father's Day, Ray's birthday and the fourth anniversary of his passing . Funny how those anniversaries still have an impact. I guess they always will to some extent. I know those of you who have lost loved ones will know what I mean and understand. But life goes on and I have to go on with it. Four years since he left, I think about him daily but mostly try to think of the happier memories. I do fail in that from time to time but not all the time now in the main my grief is not as easily triggered, not as immediate and the pain of loss not as strong. Lots to do with Spring here, I am still clearing in the back corner of the garden so if that brown snake comes into my yard again I should see him. I never go up the back without the metal rake in my hand, I just hope I am quick enough if I ever need to use it. I don't have the abundance of Spring flowers that I have had in years past, the steady rain has slowed growth but I do have some flowering shrubs like azaleas out and my spinach is really growing fast now. Some of the herbs are starting to go to seed but I have some new plantings so should have parsley and mint into summer. I like to have some home grown vegetables and herbs, not the best place to garden so close to the sea as the salty mists do slow down growth to a certain extent. Planning for the months ahead now, the Christmas party/end-of-year meetings tend to start in November so September/October are the Spring cleaning months and then the busiest part of the year starts when Spring turns to Summer. The temperatures at night are still low at the moment so have to keep all the blankets on the bed but the days are starting to warm up. I am starting to get into the swing of things with the Sunday service I am doing and have had very few mishaps. There always seems to be something funny happening, maybe that is just my perception as everyone else seems to be comfortable with the new service. On Monday I went with my friend to a waterfront park about forty minutes drive from here and the weather was so lovely, the kind of day you want it to be in Spring. The sky was blue without a cloud and the same blue was reflected in the water of the Brisbane Waters (nothing to do with the capital of Queensland, just named after the same Governor) and there were ducks and ducklings out and about, so good to see them pottering around. We had a good walk along the water's edge and then lunch out and he always drops me home around four o'clock. It is good to have a companion now. It is very different from how it was when I dated as a young woman and we call it "just going out together" so it is not a formal arrangement, just companionship. My family are all well. My grand daughter from Newcastle has had the same chest cold I had but is over it now and both my daughter's children are looking forward to doing the school holiday stuff like going to the movies and out to the Reptile Park which is their next holiday excursion. My grand daughter Alice in Broken Hill has just been enrolled in learn-to-swim classes and I am looking forward to her telling me all about that, she yells down the phone as she knows I am a long, long way away...lol. The Adelaide grandchildren will be here locally staying with their mother next week so I will see them then. It is always great to see them and how much they have grown in the twelve weeks since i saw them last. They too live a long, long way away. It is sad for me that I cannot go to their concerts etc as I can for the family who live only an hour and a half away. So life is good when the sun shines and it is possible to go out into the garden and beyond. I do find plenty to keep me busy and keep the enemy "loneliness" at bay. I have enough contact with the outside world for some contentment to be a part of my life. I still struggle with doing so much on my own but know that is the case for so many widows. It is not for nothing we often use the phrase "lonely widow" because being on your own, whatever the reason, can be lonely. But I am getting used to that now. Thank you to all those who have encouraged me on my journey, and thanks for continuing to be supportive of me, it does make a difference.

Kelli, you are doing well, getting on in life, going into new ventures. We are right here cheering you on.

Tracy, your new garden sounds fantastic, well done. Yes, you did have a good therapist, one who showed you a lot about yourself to your benefit so I hope any new therapist will also benefit you and move you forward. Enjoy cooking with the herbs and eating the strawberries, all you have planted should be full of goodness and flavour.

Lenny, thanks for dropping in, some of the members are still blogging regularly and we have some new bloggers so all is well in the Blog Community. Glad you are still maintaining your interest in baseball and hope your team does well in the series.

Tracy, we all go through a crisis every now and again, due to hormone swings etc, so be easy on yourself and do the best you can with the life you have. It is all we can do really.

The memorial garden in a great idea Sarah. I like the idea of a dedication party with some of the friends you have made there. Gives people who knew Dan the opportunity to honour him with you and the family.

Wow Pearls, looks like you have come to a turning point in your life. I wrote somewhere else a saying my Dad had: "If it is to be it is up to me." and I think that is what you are exploring now. Stay strong and you will get there.

I think being able to laugh is a gift, to yourself and to those around you. It's great you can accept yourself and laugh at the mistakes you make.

I was sick all last week with a chest infection. It really took away my energy and I spent a lot of the time watching the Paralympics. Thank goodness this year's programming gave me a lot of options to watch so I saw a variety of sports. It certainly was inspiring to watch people who were struggling to just walk who were running, jumping, rowing, throwing the discus etc. I have to say I have great admiration for those who overcame great odds to be the best in their chosen sport. It certainly raises questions about what we who have been able bodied all our lives have done with our abilities. I just spent two days with my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren who live just an hour and a half north of me. I went up on the 19th, which was the fourth year anniversary of Ray's death, a sad day for me, and stayed overnight with them. Then on Tuesday I went to my grand daughter's concert. She is twelve and in the last year of Primary School, High School for her next year (our school year ends in December with school starting again in February). As she moved in January she was afraid she would miss out on the school concert but this school managed to get most of their 800 students on the stage in a concert that lasted 2 and a half hours. It was the 125th anniversary of the school's founding and they made it a huge celebration. I have never seen such an assortment of fairies, aliens and fantasy creatures. The costumes were wonderful and showed great imagination, and the music they performed to was mostly modern Pop songs played very loud and the kids danced and sang and laughed and had great fun. There were six performances in all, three day performances and three evening ones, so I am betting the school is empty on Thursday with parents giving up on trying to wake tired children. It was great to be there. I am making up now for all the times I was unable to be with the grandkids when I was caring for Ray. We did manage to go to wherever Shirley and Craig were posted at least a couple of times a year but that is not the same as being there for them as a grandparent on a regular basis. I am able to do that now. Today I finalised my bookings to meet Sarah Rademacher in Hawaii in February. Sarah and I have talked on Strokenet and Facebook since 2005 and promised each other in our bad times that one day we would meet in Hawaii, so that is finally going to happen. Sarah will be the third person from Strokenet I have met in person as I hosted Babsz and her husband (Barbara and Eddie King from Oklahoma City) when they came on a cruise to Australia some years ago, met up with Ann Rogers last year in Norfolk, England at her son's wedding and next year I will meet Sarah. For someone who lives right across the other side of the Pacific from the USA I think I have done really well. Maybe one day we will meet eh? Life goes on day by day for me. Some days are better than others. Being a widow means I am lonely sometimes despite the friends I have. I would give anything for life to be like it was before Ray got sick etc but I know that losing Ray was the worst thing that ever happened to me, that he is irreplaceable and anyone else who comes into my life will not be the same. I do have the company of the man friend I go out with on Wednesdays but that is a different situation. We are both in our sixties, we are not young and energetic, we are not setting up house together or looking for permanence, we are simply going out together. That is fine and dandy but it will never replace the relationship that I had with Ray. Life is good most days and I try for an attitude of gratitude. I am so much better off than a lot of people, I know that. I have so many wonderful memories and so many wonderful friends and acquaintances. I have a family who try to keep in touch and people apart from them who care for me. There are just some times it doesn't feel like that. And that is when I go out in the garden and pull up weeds or go for a walk or do something to distract me from those gloomy thoughts. I know to feel like that is just natural around the anniversary dates and everyone has periods of sadness in their lives so I have to just go on, one foot in front of the other. I hope my time on here has been useful to people. I have loved being a part of this Blog Community and counting as friends people I have met on Strokenet. I don't know what I would have done without some of the advice and encouragement I have had here and have tried to give it back in the same way. I feel as if I know a lot of you, as if we are neighbours and friends and when the going is tough you are right there. And that has certainly continued through my widowhood. I guess because I have been a caregiver and lived with a stoke survivor that situation somehow outlasts death as it has in my other groups. And that is one of the greatest blessings I count as mine. .

Jay it is true that there is always someone worse off than you but you are entitled to vent too, just be careful who you vent to, preferably not someone who is suffering the same problem. We all need someone to simply talk things over with. It isn't necessarily complaining, just something we need to do. You are a good listener so you need to find someone who is willing to listen to you.

Scott, knowing you you won't miss a beat but soldier on. You have the strength to do that. On the other hand you could get some legal advice as it seems as if your stroke was caused by outside influences. You have done so well and I am sure there is further improvement ahead for you.

Yes Fred, you know Spring,preview of summer one day back to winter the next. It got down almost to freezing while I was at Broken Hill and I piled on all the rugs in my little caravan. And then of course I flew back home so I could have picked it up on the plane. The cold is gone but the cough is lingering. I'll be back to 100% soon. Thanks for the concern.

Ruth, life is never straight forward, it is always one step forward and two steps back. You do well in all you do for William, he is a stubborn man at times and I understand that as Ray was too. So gentle persuasion and kind words sometimes helped when common sense failed. Maybe remind him of the good foods he can have when all of this is over... hope that works for you.

Thanks George, I am slowly moving into new circles, there are now people who think they have known me for a "long time" who never knew Ray. I keep busy as you can see from the blogs and keep interested in life. I have a lot of younger acquaintances but it takes longer to make good friends. My new friendships do helps to balance the caring I do with the older ladies I look after in my role as a pastoral care worker. I guess for me the crunch comes at private moments when I am sick or sad or weary and I wonder just for a while where those good years went and where my future lies. I do have a new man friend in my life but as he has a long term illness he is not the sort of person I can call on when I am sick. I visit my daughter tomorrow and she will no doubt say : "You should have rung me." But all the time I can cope alone I will try to do so. Stubborn woman that I am!

Went to church today and got a couple of hugs, sometimes that is what I need, some warm human contact. I do feel better hope to be 100% soon.

That encouragement is all we need some days Jay.

Sometimes it is difficult to await an outcome, just hope when it does come it is the right decision. (((hugs)))

I have been sick for a week, only a chest infection and cough but enough to slow me down and keep me home. I thought of going to the doctor for antibiotics but usually only do that if it turns to bronchitis which fortunately it didn't do this time. Spent the first three days inside,trying to keep either cool or warm as it seemed to change hour by hour. I went out on the fourth day to a meeting, to an appointment and then did some shopping and that was really tiring. Going out was definitely not a good idea, so I then had three days at home again. I am feeling much better now and as tomorrow is Sunday I will go to church and maybe even to coffee afterwards. I do need a treat after spending so much time alone. I used to say: "Who looks after the caregiver?" but now that I am a widow and used to being alone I just get on with it. I know I need to be sensible in my eating, take over the counter cold solutions, keep warm and sleep as much as I can. Honestly I know this is what has to happen for the rest of my life so I may as well get used to it. No sense in moaning as moaning doesn't make life any better. Happily there is the Paralympic Games to watch so I did a lot of viewing and enjoyed seeing the bravery and determination of the mostly young people involved. It is such a wonderful experience for them all and the medals of any colour are welcomed with big smiles and waves to family and supporters and I love to see the simple sportsmanship they display. So much better than the Olympics in my opinion. Today I did some more work on my garden, this morning I planted out some tomato plants in big pots and some salad greens. I have been doing a little at a time so I don't get too tired. All the back where I saw the brown snake last week is now tidied and I will be able to see anything lurking up there now. I don't get a lot of snakes but do get one or two each summer. The block behind me is really overgrown and I would like the owner to clear it. It can take years to get anyone to take that sort of action so keeping my back yard clear is the best I can do. I did tell the neighbours either side about the brown snake though so they can be aware they are around all ready. While I was in the back garden the little children on the bottom side climbed up with the help of their Dad and talked to me over the fence. Some of you might remember how much trouble there was putting up the side fence as it ruined my garden but fortunately it didn't ruin the relationship with my neighbours and I still see them occasionally out the front playing in their enclosed play area and enjoy talking to them and it is great to have that happy relationship. The four little ones are now seven, five, three and just about a year old so it is nice to participate in their lives too. I mostly get to talk to Charlie as he is the one that throws balls over my fence, if I throw one back he yells: "Thanks Nanny Sue." I missed going out with my man friend this week but as he has leukemia and a low auto immune system he doesn't need to have anyone germy go out with him. I was sad about it but there is next week and hopefully more weeks after that. I have got used to our excursions now, it is good to have company, someone to talk to, someone who enjoys doing some of the things I like to do. It doesn't have to be anything exciting I am happy with a cup of coffee followed by a walk along the Lake, a trip to a local Art Gallery with free entry for seniors or just lunch out and a walk. I have always liked simple pleasures and at my age don't want to have to go to a lot of trouble dressing up to go out. My how I've changed over the years...lol. Next week I am going to my daughter's to go to my grand daughter's concert. It sounds like a big deal as they have been rehearsing for two weeks now. I missed so many of their school events while they lived away so it is nice now to be invited to join them. I do take whatever opportunities I can now to be with family and use the phone as well as the computer to keep in touch. Sadly I never hear from any of Ray's family with the exception of my Wilkinson sister-in-law as we phone alternate months so I do get some news from her. I do wonder why I was their sister-in-law for 44 years but now I am no longer a member of that family. Seems as if with Ray's death so much changed. Life has it's ups and downs but on the whole it is good. I think because of what I have been through my expectations are low and as long as at the end of each day I can see that I have achieved something, done something interesting or met someone I know and like that is enough to make me satisfied with the day. I have friends who are constantly on the move, cruising, travelling to exotic places, seeing the sights of so many cities in remote areas of the planet and I no longer envy them the packing and unpacking, the strange hotels, the food they cannot eat and the tummy viruses they come home with. I think I have at last reached the conclusion that home is not such a bad place after all.

Yes, unconditional love is a blessing and we are so lucky if we have it.

Keep updating us from time to time is all we ask.

Hope it all goes well Jay, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

George it sounds like a great idea, getting away to where the dentistry is cheaper..lol. I agree with Yvonne get some more marked off the bucket list while you are able to.