swilkinson

God bless you Fred, and all like you who did their bit for their country.

George, you and Lesley are lucky to have each other. I love your blogs and love your philosophy. Yes, there are others in your life but they do not play a significant role most of the time and so the two of you live your own combined life and make your own decisions. Long may it last. Sue.

My children ring me up and say: "What did you do this week?" I go through the week in my mind. Monday I did, Tuesday I did, Wednesday I did etc. Of course it differs from week to week but certain elements happen through the month, Sunday Church and on the second Sunday of the month Messy Church in the afternoon. Monday mostly home as I do need a full day of housework, some time gardening etc. Monday night I do the Blog Report, I know it only takes a few minutes to read it but it takes well over an hour to write it as I summarise the blogs I have read through the week. Tuesday morning I go to a Coffee Morning at the Meeting Place (a centre for people from nearby community housing) and it is either Craft or some form of pastoral care in the afternoon, two Tuesday nights a month I go to Lions dinners. On Wednesday morning 10am I join others on Strokenet for Caregiver Chat that time being of course Tuesday night 8pm for the people on the east coast of the USA. I have done Strokenet Chat for over ten years now. I have had breaks in service like the overseas holidays, sometimes local holidays and a few days when for some reason or another I did not have access to the computer. I have seen a lot of people on Strokenet come and go, I have talked to a lot of caregivers and survivors as I did general chat for the first few years, then Caregiver Chat. I have had a couple of co-hosts, Sarah Rademacher who was Host Sarah and Sally Pepperman who was and still is Host Sally. I don't know how many different topics we have talked about, how many heart rendering stories we have heard, how many serious conversations we have had but I know we have laughed a lot too, and laughed and laughed. And used the sounds and the icons to illustrate our conversations. And drank imaginary tea and coffee and wine. And who doesn't love the sound of soda ice in summer? Almost all of the work I do as a caring person is focused on someone who needs help, mostly not physical aid and sometimes emotional help and many times just a listening ear. We provide a listening ear in chat. And we have certainly chatted on a wide range of subjects over the years. Sally and I have a joke that whatever topic we start with we always finish up talking about food, that has applied for many years and Debbie, Julie, Sarah and many others will attest to that fact. A recipe for happiness there is not but there surely is among the chatters a recipe for everything else. And of course wise advice. No we are not medical experts although we have had nurses like Debbie cast a professional eye over some of our medical problems but as a lot of the problems are about dealing with the frustrations of being a caregiver we are certainly experts on that. Thursday I like to be free but it is most often shopping, this week I did some pastoral care nursing home visits in the afternoon. Friday mornings now we do Coffee Morning in the church hall. Not many people so far but the ones who come do enjoy it and as an older person I like to support young Mums so enjoy them coming along. Saturday a variety of things happen including our Monthly Market at church on the fourth Saturday of the month (that's tomorrow) and then I am back to Sunday again. Each week holds a certain amount of enjoyment and a certain amount of frustration but that is life. It is all so different to my life as a busy caregiver to Ray and I do hark back to those days sometimes with a nostalgic longing to be there again but I need to move forward into an acceptance of the life I have now, the widow's life. One of the sad things about being a pastoral care worker is the ending, some of my patients and residents in nursing homes die. With them dies the contact to the family I have heard so much about as often I am an unknown church worker to them. One of the main reasons I go to so many funerals is to say "goodbye" to the deceased, that person I have laughed and cried with, whose smile I loved, whose pain I hated and whose company I enjoyed. Often I never meet a member of the family until then. I just happened to visit one of my ladies on a Saturday and did get to meet her son but that is rare. Mostly the family are the children on faded photographs, the young married couples, the smiling faces behind grandchildren. Some I will never meet as the funerals are not held locally but where the important person who makes decisions in that family lives. Mostly the request for a church visitor comes to the nursing home or to the church through a family member but no-one asks to meet the visitor or who she or he is. It is strange that I often am one of the main visitors to this Mum, Dad,Grandmother or Grandfather and yet their family will never know me. Some of the families I have been involved with more closely find it awkward afterwards if they meet me in the street. What to you say to the person who you have sworn eternal gratitude to for what they did for your parent? Yes, awkward situation indeed. I just want to ask if they are okay, if the aftermath of the funeral etc has affected them, if they are still together as a family fixing up the estate...but all of that is difficult in the early stages of grief to hear, so mostly I just say I hope they are coping okay? And they say yes they are and we smile and part company, which is a happier ending. Why do I do it then? Because I feel a commitment to making someone's life better because in doing so mine is better too, I think I help others to help myself in a way. And I have always loved people. I use my talents and my training to be with people, to support them and to benefit them in some way. I look at the nursing home visiting, the home visits and the encounters I have in that light. It is part of what I do in my week, every week. It is hard to explain that to my children. It is hard to explain to anyone who has not been a part of a support group or a self-help group as they have no idea of the benefit of offloading their troubles to someone who has been in a similar situation. The people on this site do. Which is why I still have a blog here.

Lenny, sounds like a great holiday. I am glad you had so much fun, especially with your wife, your daughter and your grandson going with you. I bet there was plenty to see and do. Thanks for the update.

Yes, teaching your children to help others, to pay it forward, is great and as you say will slowly change a corner of the world. I was taught that by my Dad, "your job is to help others" he would say and so from a little kid I did my best in that regard. Thanks for the reminder Jay.

I didn't think of that Pam, you can take up wheelchair dancing, even one handed that should be okay. Imagine a hula and get your body to move at least a little in response to the music, circle the wheelchair using your good hand, shake your head to the music, move your shoulders etc. At our Christmas party for the Stroke Recovery group a lot of the wheelies dance in this way. It is good exercise and makes you feel happy.

It is sad when rehabilitate programs end, I remember that from Ray's sessions, how much progress he made and then how as soon as the sessions were over he gave up. Please, please, please do not give up. Do what you can alone, please.

Sarah, what a lovely tribute to your friend her funeral was. Yes, I don't want to have a solemn funeral either, I would rather one where people remembered the strange as well as the good things I have done. I must say i have been known to make a fool of myself, just to cheer people up. I love that her wishes were honoured. Besides you are awesome too and I hope your family do realise that.

It is great to make memories, I took a lot of photos out to my son in Broken Hill so he can put them onto his computer and share them with his daughter Alice that way she will be able to recognise the cousins when she sees them. I go over our old photo albums sometimes and revive the good memories, it sometimes makes me cry but that is okay at least I have them still.

Axel, the main things is that you are still with us and still doing well. The survival did depend on the medical staff at first but since then has depended on you and your determination to be well. Congratulations!

I have been out to the desert country again, out to Broken Hill to support Trevor through another Family Court hearing. This one was the final one as even the judge was getting anxious for Trev and his ex to reach a compromise solution. It came out as expected with half a day increase over the fortnight for Alice's access time with Trev this year and three days a week next year, conditions altering again when she goes to school late January 2017. It is all so complicated and he has been pretty frustrated with the whole scenario but it is over for now. So I don't have to go out again until his birthday now. I enjoy my time out in Broken Hill, despite it being a "city" it is really an overgrown country town, the kind of town where you walk down the street and are sure to bump into someone you know. It is good to be somewhere where people smile at you and say "g'day". The vehicles they use are practical and dusty of course from all the off road driving and there is sometimes a dog or two tied in the back. It does take me back to the '60's when our area was still small farms instead of large subdivisions and houses everywhere where once there were parks and green spaces and playgrounds for kids. We all need to go out to the country and look at how the other half live, well probably only the other 10% but you know what I mean. There is always plenty to do at Trev's house, we probably go out less in winter with the shorter days but I went to all my favourite shops while Trev had other things to do. Drinking coffee outside a cafe provides a good opportunity to see how tourists react to being in a country town. Some of them are the "grey nomads", those going around Australia as Ray and I had some day hoped to be. I am still envious of those who get to do this wonderful trip. It is what I dreamed of every time he said "we will do that when we retire." too bad that the multiple strokes took all of that away from us. I went to the Lions Club meeting there and got a hug from a man I had never met, the brother of one of the Lions in our Club. He said any friend of his brother's was a friend of his. See what i mean about being friendly? I didn't waste all of my time sitting in the sun on Trev's front verandah, although it was very enjoyable, while I was out there I knitted a scarf for Alice. We had her for three days directly after the court case.The access days are full on as she is very busy person and we play a lot of games, do some craft, go to the park etc. I walk behind her while she rides her bike along the footpath and Trev actually jogs behind her as she is more confident now and so goes faster. Luckily so far she stops before the roads and waits for us to catch up, that is when I know I am growing older now. We also drove the 500 kms and back to visit my other son in Adelaide. I booked rooms for Trev and I in an old motel close by as he doesn't have room to put us up for the night although he has a bigger house now for the five of them. We enjoyed the visit with him, his partner and his three children and going out to dinner together was great. Trev and I left Adelaide the following day, setting off after visiting my ex-minister's family on our way. Pretty scary driving back once it got dark as there are hundreds of kangaroos close to the road and I was ever fearful that one of them would jump out and do damage to the car and then we would be stranded, but luckily that didn't happen. There were certainly a lot that had been killed by the long haul road transports etc and it seems such a pity in our wide land that this road attracts so many the green grass growing where the rain runs off it being the big attraction. The good thing about being away is that I have time to think, time to plan, time to work out some of the days ahead. I don't plan too far ahead, the strokes taught me not to do that, we all know that today is all that we have, but it is nice to have some things planned to make the future brighter. I have a few trips I would like to do now that I don't have to put time aside to go to Broken Hill for the court cases. And maybe I will now find the time to catch up on a few old friends on day trips too. The shorter winter days are a bit of a handicap for that but I will see what I can do. At least now I have some choices. And now I am back home and out and about doing what I do in the church and in the community.That keeps me out of mischief. it would be nice to have someone to do it with but maybe that will come one day.

I was visiting my son in Broken Hill and woke up in the middle of he night frozen, those temps can sure drop in desert country. Back home and it is milder on the coast but winter is still on her way.You have to appreciate the heat while the milder weather is still available some days. Yes, Sarah, you have been here a long time and you are, despite everything thrown at you, still going strong. And so remarkably is Gary.

I was just thinking the same, the small kido we met in your early blogs is now a man and helping with transport etc. Enjoy having him home for the holidays.

Prayers from me too. It is hard to be so far away. (((hugs)))

Ruth, one day at a time. When the decision is made then you can make your summer plans. Hope the colonoscopy results are as good as Fred.

Fantastic news Fred. At least one part of you is working just fine.

Pam you have a voice and you are using it, you have experience and are telling others about it. One person at a time, that is how things change. Keep on with your campaign. Sue.

Mitch you can teach them manners but they have to choose whether they will use them or not. I'm glad you got to spend some time with your grandsons, they will remember you being there and maybe on some future Mothers Day will say "Remember when ....? Because they are playing on their tablets does not mean they don't know you are there, remember the meal and that it is good to celebrate special events. Well done you and Jules.

'Then I smile and say: "When a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes"' (written by American composer Jerome Kern and lyricist Otto Harbach ) applies to my life and the atmosphere as there is a lot of controlled burning being done right now with autumn waning and winter on the way. The controlled burning means a lot of smoke hazard. It is in response I think to the slow build up of fuel (leaves, fallen trees etc) lying on our forest floors. The big blaze in Canada right now is a reminder of how fiercely our forests can burn. I am so sorry for those people losing their homes and fleeing from an area they grew up in and our fires here can be as fierce. We have had a summer of very limited burning so it is time to make sure next summer is the same. And of course yesterday was Mother's Day and with any of the special anniversaries, birthdays or special days there is that sense that I remember that I am alone now. My daughter Shirley and her two children, Christopher who is 16 and towers over me and Naomi who has just turned 12 and is my height, were here to give me a special lunch on Saturday as neither Shirley or I could have done it on Sunday because of church commitments. Does it matter what day it is to celebrate with family? I guess the answer is yes and no as Mothers Day on the Sunday can still be hollow so I invited a friend who is a single lady to have a quick lunch with me and that worked out well. I have been gardening, it is the time of the year for dead heading and pruning and replenishing the soil in pots. It is me getting ready for a flowering Spring. Now the temperature has dropped it is much easier to work in the garden and pleasant in the sunshine so a powerful attraction to go outside and enjoy it while it lasts. There is a lot to do and I never seem to get it all done but that has to be okay. Gone are the days when I pushed myself to complete work. There will be more time later in the year to prune and mulch. I have been lucky with herbs, the parsley has been really plentiful, and there has been plenty to add flavor to meals this year but my tomato plants were a waste of money so I will have to rethink that for next Spring. I have also commenced some decluttering. When you change from summer to winter clothes it is a good time to review the wardrobe, take some clothes to charity shops and plan to slim down before the next change comes. I promise myself every year I will lose a few kilos and some years I do but they creep up on me again if I am not careful so I will try to lose some this winter. I don't want to be thin just a little less round. I know round is a good shape if you are a beach ball and all but I want to wear some clothes that give me shape without weight. LOL. It is another one of those girly things guys so just shake your head and move on. I'll be away for a few days in Broken Hill but my next door neighbour is home tomorrow so will keep an eye on the place for me. We do that for each other and have for many years, he has lived next to me for 20 years now. The neighbors on the west side of me will probably have a new baby while I am away as her due date is sometime this week but I will see him or her when I get home. It is great to have little things to look forward to. As a pastoral care worker I deal so much in death and sadness so it is nice to have good things to look forward to like a new little neighbor's arrival. It was Messy Church yesterday afternoon but only a few came as it was Mother's Day. The handful of kids we had with accompanying Mums or Dads had fun making the craft (amazing what you can make out of a brown paper bag, some ribbon and some glue) and there was a nice atmosphere there. I do look forward to events like this, a sort of milling around among the familiar and the new people we attract to the afternoon. Chicken, vegetables and rice for the evening meal was especially appreciated by the boys, they wolfed it down and went off to play while we cleaned up. It is one of the times I wish I had my grandchildren closer as the smaller boys and Alice would love it. The days seem to fly by for me but the nights sometimes drag their feet. I have never been a good sleeper, I had a sick child when I was a young woman, my older son had a lot of digestive problems in his first year, and then 12 years as a caregiver meant I had to be half awake and instantly alert if anything went wrong, so my sleep now is light and I have periods of not sleeping well. So I sometimes listen to the radio or read or come onto the computer when I am awake after midnight. It is okay in winter if I bundle up warm so out comes the old woollen shawls and the fluffy slippers and the warm dressing gowns. Believe me only a mother could love the way I look then, unless you love warm fluffy penguins a lot. Not a romantic look at all. But then there is only me here isn't there?

Fred, my Autumn your Spring. Yes, all the appointments, it was the same with Ray, weeks it seemed put aside to go to this specialist or that doctor. Now i rarely see one myself but do have a couple of routine appointments soon. Enjoy your life as much as you can, if you try to make each day special, life becomes truly worthwhile.

Carol I remember the days of "can someone help me with this zipper" so always shopped with a girlfriend on hand. You did a good job on the escalator and overall should be very proud of yourself. I hope the dress is a success at the wedding, it is the hardest occasion to cater for I think. I think you are an extraordinary couple.

Thanks Mitch, love your blogs. The course sounds interesting so maybe if there is anything that you can see as a potential help for others you could do a blog on it? With our northern hemisphere friends in Spring now the survivors are probably looking for new forms of torture to improve their lives...lol.

Thanks Pam, that was a lovely thing to say. I always talk about the blog writers as the Blog Community as I think of it as a group of people who tell each other about their lives. That is why I am pleased when people come back and update us as it is like family members dropping in and sad when people disappear and I don't know why. I was told when I first joined as a chat host that would happen and it has been one of the downsides over the years that someone you have become fond of just disappears without saying goodbye. But that also means you get to meet and get to know new people too so as long as I am needed here I will stay and help out.

You are an example of the best of volunteerism, and without volunteers so much is lost. Glad you have that sense of purpose and are willing to give your time to a great cause. Sue.