swilkinson

Axel, you came to Australia and you didn't visit ME!!! Good to see your update, great you have reached retirement age and have 100% social security, financial security takes such a load off your shoulders. I read back to your first blog remembering when you were still making an assessment of what was now available to you., Your new blog is a long way from those first tentative steps after your stroke and I am sooooo proud of your achievements. Thanks so much for being on here over all those years ago, and for posting this blog to update us now.

I hear you Kelli, I want people to know I am still a girl too, as far as a 68 year old woman can be a girl! I am still feminine, giggly, flirtatious on occasion, argumentative, and in love with life. I like male company and am stopping there...company... at the moment. I do have someone I am seeing now, have been for two years or so as he is my market coffee man but now we are having more regular meetups, getting to know each other better. Just a friendship as yet but that is good too.

If you get the chance see the movie "Saving Mr Banks" and then see "Mary Poppins" again. It give you a whole different view of what the movie is about. And yes, i am singing "I love to Laugh" right now with a smile on my face. Thank you for reminding me. Sue.

Pam, the first time I read this I missed something vital. In life when you are helping others there will always be someone who thinks you are neglecting them, you are doing something you have no business doing, or that they could do it better. It is part of helping others that you will make others jealous. It is something I keep in mind so often just do things quietly without telling others what I actually am doing. Might not be what you were thinking but I saw that in what you wrote.

Sounds good, do keep us updated on how it goes. I have heard of this kind of gardening but don't' know how it works. One of my sons lives on the end of the desert at a small inland city called broken Hill, once a big mining area. He can't plant anything directly into the soil because of the high lead content and so straw bales with black plastic under them are worth as try. Link to Broken Hill information: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_Hill,_New_South_Wales Sue.

Just talking on chat with Host Sally about how we need older people in our lives to guide us, to be the guides, counselors, encouragers, earth mothers, wise women and agony aunts. We also need strong men who have wisdom, the answers grown out of experience, the time to sit and help us work out a solution. In other words we need each other. We need to get out of our generational group and take heed of what others see. I find this in the church too and in the other organisations I belong to. I am lucky I have the time now to sit with older people and find that as I do the nursing home visiting etc that I learn as I go, that I benefit from the visits as much as they do. Opening ourselves to others is something we have to learn. I would sit behind my bedroom door and listen to Mum and her female visitors conversations. Of course I was one of those " little pitchers that have big ears" but I learned a lot from listening to them. Of course some of the time the conversation was unsuitable and sometimes I learned some home truths about my own behavior and some of it was spot on. But listening to older people does mean you do not have to test everything out yourself, you can learn second hand how things work and what you should do in certain situations. It is the same here. We all learn from others experience. We all read the posts, read the blogs, read the information given out in so many different ways and if we learn from them we do not have to go through the experiences ourselves as we can take the lead from what others have done. When I posted a query when Ray was badly stroke affected and I did not know what to do I was not always thrilled with the answers I got. I sometimes wished for the "magic wand" approach, just do this, this and this, wave the magic wand and all will be well, I have always been a bit of a wishful thinker. But now I know looking back that some of those answers were so right, I just didn't want to acknowledge that at the time. Now I am a widow I depend in a different way on a site called Widowed Village. The forums there are categorized in year of death, age (I'm born in the 40s) categories like Long term Caregivers, giving you a scope of forums to join and of course I have a blog there too which is more about widow issues than the one I keep here. I need that too, a blog other widowed people can relate to and comment on so I know I am not alone in what I think and feel. Others whose grief is still fresh remind me of what I went through and how far I have come, those whose grief is older can show me where I will be in the future. Nothing we learn goes out-of-date. We build wisdom in layers, one thing adds to another, so when I read the blogs sometimes I want to say "you will not always feel like this" but it would be inappropriate for me to do so as we all learn at our own pace. One thing leads to another, each life is unique, no-one else can really know what is happening in your life and what you are going through whether you are a caregiver or a survivor. The wise ones know that and can allow you to be yourself. It is part of being supportive and also part of being supported when the comments seem out of step with what you expected the answers to be. We can only speak out of our own experiences. But with a heart of compassion we can also reach out in so many ways to comfort others. It is part of my role as a pastoral care worker in my church that I reach out to others who are very different in their thinking to myself. I have to be prepared to accept their point of view, however much I want to give advice it is not appropriate for me to do so, all I can say is that I hear what they say and have they thought of trying this or that? It is about treating others the way we like to be treated. Empathy is not easy and sometimes I fail to reach out to someone who is young, maybe into drugs or has lived in unfortunate circumstances that I would have found impossible to deal with. But I know someone else who may be better suited to helping them will come along. There are no wrongs answers in life, just answers that don't fit the problem. And sometimes when I read the posts I have no solutions, living in a different continent, under different government rules, different systems of care etc. But I can still empathise with the feelings the person has or what they are actually going through, caregivers and survivors alike. I am very grateful for the friendships I have formed from here and especially those who have continued to be friends on Facebook or my email list. I love to be in touch with you all. As older hands here we really need to support the Newbies in any way we can. I well remember how I felt when I first posted and came back to following day to find six comments on the post encouraging me, welcoming me, putting a few words down to say "hi and welcome" to this unknown caregiver from Australia, way over the other side of the Pacific. I had never posted on an American site before, hardly knew any Americans and I was so impressed. I have grown to appreciate so many people who I would never have know if I had not come on here, people who have become very dear to me. Some have left to go on with their lives and I have missed them, but others have come on just a short while ago and I see them as potential friends too. This is a great support site, it is somewhat under utilized at the moment but it still has that same potential, to give people like us support and information that will help them with their journey. I am so grateful for all who have supported me here and given me the privilege of their company in chat, their cheerful remarks on my blog and especially the good thoughts and prayers that have come my way in times of trouble. Thank you all. ,

Fred, it takes a lot of concentration to stand and walk. You have the determination so hope you can get there. know how much you miss your church and the friends you have there.

Yes, you will do well in assisted living, you have done as much as you can where you are and now you need more independence. You will find plenty to do out in the community if you can find suitable transport. Good luck with your search.

We have all got to that stage somehere along the line where we know this is our life now...call it what you like, I still called it caregiving as my husband continued to have strokes, seven majors and lost count of the TIAs etc and for the last two years seizures and fits. BUT we did do some of the things we would have done when we retired, as many days out etc between other events like UTIs, falls and broken bones etc. We did go on some short bus tours with a local company twice a year 2002 - 2006, and then he deteriorated a little and it was holidays with the family or with help of some kind (our youngest son came with us on a couple). Then he had a hard year at home and his last year in a nursing home. Yes, you do have to normalize life and acceptance makes that easier as you soon figure out what is possible now despite the effects of the stroke. And it is not a bad life, just a different life.

Life goes on, heading to winter, after a few sunny days a cloudy day yesterday and again today. It was our market day today at church and although it was wet and we didn't have a lot of stallholders I think it was a profitable day. I always enjoy the market as it is a good way to spend four or five hours and with plenty of people to talk to . Sometimes I even see folk from my past and enjoy a catch up. We have a woman who brings vegetables straight from the farm she and her husband run and they are snappy fresh and guaranteed to be full of flavour, so much better than what you can get in the shops. I came home and revised the sermon for tomorrow. I only preach every couple of months now and that suits me as I don't need to be the person up the front now. I am content to work behind the scenes. I am on the church Council and we had a four hour meeting this week, it seemed very long and I really wonder about the efficient use of time. I am a widow and live alone so I have all the time in the world but still there is a lot to do and I would rather be out and about than discussing subjects that seem to be on the agenda month after month. Maybe there are some problems that just do not have an easy solution. I got two messages on Tuesday to say that friends of mine had died. No wonder we are constantly grieving,at my age I seem to be losing a lot of older friends, friends that I can never replace. In the first case I had to make a few phone calls as it was an old friend I visit in a nursing home and I am the contact person for her old church friends, in the other I told my children as the person who rang me was the daughter of the woman who died but the death was three weeks ago. All my children knew this family so they will grieve too. Sometimes it takes me back into my old grief and sometimes I find I have moved on from there a little and I can cope. I had my little grandsons stay the night on Tuesday night and that was good. They only stay two or three nights a yea now but know where to find the toys they want to play with, where the games are, how to operate the Nintendo Wii etc. That is one reason I haven't moved so far as in a different place, a different sized house the familiarity of this home, the only one they have known me to live in, would be gone. I remember how I felt when my parents sold the home I had lived in in my late teens and moved into a much smaller home. I was married and living here but that home contained a lot of my memories of growing up. I did get used to them living there but it was not "my home" any more. The possums have attacked the parsley that was my pride and joy and my main ingredient in a lot of soups I was freezing for winter meals. Luckily they don't seem to like the mint and oregano so they are still thriving and I still have some parsley up the back. I knew they had attacked my neighbour's garden so was not surprised they finally found mine. My mother used to say that for every seed you planted here there were three or four bugs waiting to eat it. I have done well with herbs the past few years so next year will see if I can put a frame and some netting over them so I don't have the same thing happen again. Still having some thoughts about a couple of winter excursions just to break the monotony and get away from home for a while. Last year I was in England for five weeks and that meant evading some of the winter chills but i am not planning on going overseas this year. It would be nice to go north to a slightly warmer climate for a while. I will see how things work out for me time wise. There are a lot of things on my bucket list still to do but I haven't got a companion to do things with so am not worried about travel at the moment. Ann Rogers and I hope to will get together in the USA one day, but not this year. And Sarah and I still plan to meet in Hawaii. It may just all be a daydream but it is those daydreams that keep us looking forward to good times ahead. I have been so grateful to those people who have accompanied me on my life's journey which is why I mourn so many of my older friends who have passed away. Each death takes something from our lives as they often held memories that we may have forgotten. Which is why at my age any reunion is a great way to remember good times and meeting up with old friends is precious for the same reason. I recently missed a funeral and saw one of the daughters who said that many people there had asked after me. How nice to be remembered and what a shame I was not there to talk to them. But I enjoy my life mostly now and regrets are something I will not harbor. Life is short and happiness is hard to find so when I do have it in my life i am grateful.

Fred we do have to be thankful for what we have. that is sometimes hard to do. You do a good job of making the most of what you have. Great you have been on Strokenet helping people since 2005, keep up the good work.

Every day is a good day Jay if you make it so.

Sarah, it would have been 48 for Ray and I too. Congratulations and prayers for a good year ahead for you and Gary. Crab legs...yum.

Thank you Asha for sharing this story with us. Whatever the circumstances i am so glad Ray came through the many strokes and I had him as my husband for 44 years. Yes he could have died in 1999 and yet we had those extra years as parents and grandparents to enjoy being a family and I am grateful for that. I wish you and your husband many more good years together.

Pam you are in a position to be such a blessing to people, helping them pass the time, joining in a conversation, practicing the gift of presence. I go and visit in nursing home but am so aware that I am only with someone for an hour or two a month, not a big contribution but enough to feel I am a small part of their lives. I think if more people would make an effort to help others as you do the world would be a better place. You are a precious flower blooming in a dark corner of the world and I salute you.

Thank you SweeetMom, I love gardening blogs. Your method sounds exciting so I am looking forward to your update, and pictures too as you seem to have that sorted as well. Well done!

I think we all hit a button that takes the entry sometimes. Go straight back as if you are going to do a new blog, In the empty frame, down on the bottom left hand corner you will see a phrase "Last auto saved" and a time, click on that and what was saved will appear in the frame. It will not be the full blog just what you had typed at the last time it was auto saved. No blog is entirely lost so you can rebuild from there. Hope you can follow these instructions and find you can reassemble your blog that way.

Pam, brilliant ideas. Yes. circles of light in winter cam make a difference so I will look for new lamps and as you say change pillows etc. Thanks for giving it some thought. It makes a difference when someone responds with some new ideas.

Spreading encouragement as you go through life is a good thing to do Jay. Information and encouragement make such a difference in people's lives especially after an event like a stroke. Thanks for what you are doing.

Yes, my conclusion too. I will discuss it with my next door neighbour as he had a cat for years which I looked after when he was away. I don't like to leave a cat alone for too long. I think the nights drawing in now are making me feel more uneasy as I know winter is closer. I am fine through the day. always seem to find enough to keep me busy.

I find it hard to be home alone when I have been with family for a few days. I went up to visit with my daughter and her family on Monday and came home on Thursday, it is school break so I had the two grandchildren to talk to as well as my daughter and my son-in-law. The weather was drizzle in the main and so we didn't do anything special but it was good to be with them, to have some company, some talk and laughter and I do find it very quiet when I come home. They have two dogs which kept us amused with their antics too running around with their dog toys and chasing each other. It is good to see them all so settled in their new placing now. The kids have been watching some old home movies of the time before Christopher was born so I saw Ray and Mum and Dad from the aspect of 16 years ago. It was a bitter/sweet experience to see them all happy and smiling and participating in family life. I felt an aching for those days when we seemed so happy, before the major strokes became a problem, before Dad's cancer debilitated him (we finished watching a few weeks before his death) and Mum's Alzheimers took over her life and took away her ability to think and prevented her from living a normal life. I wiped away a tear from time to time as I watched. It was hard to see Ray so vibrant and engaged in life and remember what his life became over the next few years. It was a pleasant three days and I plan to do it at about three monthly intervals to give me a mini break. It is hard for me to go back to being alone after having been in a lively company. I see my neighbours come and go but they don't have time to talk, I see traffic come and go as all the young ones go to and from work. As autumn turns to winter and the days are shorter, darker and colder I always feel like this since becoming a widow so I know I need to work out what to do to keep myself busy and energised. Of course I have places to go, things to do and I did go to the church for the Coffee Morning yesterday. We are trying to attract some of the people who pass the church who are probably just as lonely as I am. But yesterday only a couple of ladies came so it was not as we hope it will be in the future. I wonder what stops us from doing the things that will bring us new relationships and be beneficial to our well being? I have friends but a lot of them are busy with grandchildren, some have already started packing the caravan to take off up north to warmer climes for the winter and others have a routine, as I do, that prevents them from extending our relationship. As with other things it will sort itself out eventually. I need to feel more comfortable in my home alone so that means I need to make some more changes. I can shut off the front two bedrooms in winter as I don't use them for much except visitors and storage so I don't need them open now. I need to rearrange the area where I watch TV and read and do handcraft as I have all the chairs in a row and it feels like I am waiting for others to come and sit down with me. I may never get over missing Ray being there but I have to put that to the back of my mind and not dwell on it. I probably need to move my phone closer and do a few other small things to make me feel cosier as I sit there. It is a part of a mind set isn't it? A single friend is fascinated with what I am going through as she has never had company so doesn't miss it, just lives in her own space. She says her home is her sanctuary but then she still works so her home is the place she comes back to to relax. I do find some relief in what I do for the church, visiting the oldies in the nursing homes, talking to people about their needs and helping out at the Markets and Coffee Mornings, the Craft group and Messy Church. Messy Church is always fun as I love the interaction with the children. There is plenty to do but it is sporadic, it is not daily like going to work or coming home to a family. And that is the problem for a lot of us widows and widowers, we miss those closer relationships and long for the days when we were busy and involved in family life. And those days are not coming back. I talk to other widows and they give me various pieces of advice, a lot are older than me and resigned to being alone. They often have a cat or small dog so maybe I need that. Other friends say not to get a pet as it will tie you down. A relationship I have been thinking about would also tie me down too much. The choice is always between loneliness and freedom isn't it?

Fred, we are all older and more tired. As a widow who has to do most things for herself I feel the same some days. But I look at what I came through, all of those years caring for Ray and I know that I should relish the life alone but I don't. Now my special someone is gone nothing will ever be the same. Hopefully I have a few good years ahead of me and I hope you have the same my friend.

Asha, as usual you advice comes just at the right time for me. I have been thinking too far ahead, will slow down and just do the next 100 feet (few days). Your hubby is a wise man indeed.

Stu, great news, ten years is a mile stone. Always good when one of our former bloggers updates. As blog moderator I always wonder what happened to those who used to keep us updated with the latest happenings. It is good to hear from you again. Sue from Down Under.

Sarah, phone and internet problems are the pits! Glad you have been able to put a blog on here albeit not a long one. Maybe next time you will be able to do a little more. Wish I knew what the problem is but I am no expert.