swilkinson

Katrina, looks like a good summer ahead. Congratulations on your new job, well done. I love to read your blogs, I am still following the journey of so many of my friends here who I have "known" for a long time, like you. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Well expressed, sometimes poetry says things prose never can. Congratulations.

http://www.strokechat.net/ is what I use Ruth though others go in via the chat schedule. Sorry about the job but that may give you some new options. I am glad William is still okay after eight years, my how time flies. You would be very welcome in chat, Sally and i love it when people come back. It is like High School reunion only without the wrinkles...lol. Sue.

It is a busy Sunday and I am using the time between church and Messy Church to update my blog. I try to fit everything into small compartments of time. There are a lot of small jobs I can manage and the big ones send a shadow over me as I look at when I can fit them in. I thought when I gave up the caregiving life that I would have heaps of time but have come to the conclusion that it is just what I do with life, decide what my limit is and then pile in a few more things to fill in the gaps that are supposed to be my leisure time. This mid-season time of the year is awkward, I spend a lot of time looking in my wardrobe for suitable layers of clothing as it is cold of a morning and still hot for the time of year mid-afternoon.The days are slowly changing and although it has been warm the last few days it is obvious that winter is not too far off. I seem to be out a lot lately, nursing homes, hospital visits and this week a funeral. Since my visitors went I have managed to catch up on pastoral care visiting for the church, and finally started catching up with the friends I ignored for the five weeks I had visitors. I seem to keep busy without too much effort. There is a lot to do in the garden this time of the year. Although we don't have snow everything needs cutting back so we have Spring growth and I take time to do a little fussing around the hundred or so pot plants I have, loosening the soil and adding fertilizer. It is a big job for one person and I regret the days when Ray was here to do all the big jobs, those that called for a ladder to be used and those that required rubbish to be carted away. Hey, I am looking back twenty years now but still remember what a help he was in the garden to me. Shirley and family did come down and stay overnight for one night and I plan to go to them for a few days this week as it is school holidays. I love the time I can spend with my grandchildren, Christopher is sixteen now and Naomi turns twelve in a few weeks - hard to believe. The Adelaide kids will be up with their mother for the second week of the school holidays so I will see them then. Trevor and Alice keep in touch by phone or Skype and I usually hear from them on Alice's access days with Trev every week and get photos of her latest cute activities. She is a bit of a character. I will visit them again in May. I still belong to Lions and it was our turn to do a BBQ at Bunnings Warehouse at Tuggerah Super Centre last Monday so I did my four hours serving sausage sandwiches. It is always fun as there is a bit of banter going on all the time between the Lions and the customers. I come home exhausted and smelling of onions. During the eight hours we are there we have raised $500 for some worth while cause. I am still involved in other activities with Apex40, and Ray's old stroke recovery group WAGS. I still go on supporting those who supported me through his stroke journey. One thing leads to another and at the moment I am putting together rugs for the Red Cross as a friend of mine talked me into it and handed me four shopping bags of squares, guess that is a few evenings when I will be too busy to feel lonely. If you are on Facebook you might like to look up the "Lions Club of Killarney-Bateau" page and see what the Lions Club I belong to get up to. I get some photos and post them there too so try to put an update on it most weeks. Just another one of the small jobs I do. Someone asked me what I do with my retirement and it is hard to explain but basically I just do more of what I was doing before I started looking after Ray full-time. Even after the 1999 strokes I did have some leisure time and of course as Ray belonged to the groups I still belong to it was natural to take him with me most of the places I had to go. It was only in the last few years he was with me that all that changed as his mobility altered so much and of course eating and toileting became an issue. We have just finished Daylight Saving and so I am still waking up at what is now 6 am. That makes for a long day. Winter is not far off so I am starting to plan some indoor activities. I did go to what was advertised as an Over Sixties meet up but another lady and I were the only ones to turn up so I guess that was either a mistake or wrong day, wrong place. I feel as if I need to stretch my circle out a bit now, meet people who will only know me as Sue, not as Ray's wife or Ray's widow. It is difficult to find a group that fits because I don't want any responsibility in the group, I have enough in the groups I belong to already. So it needs to be purely social. I hope my blogs don't come across as too self-centred and that you can relate in some ways to them. I could put in some sad tales from the pastoral work I do, including dealing with neglect of old folk and today an encounter with homelessness as a young person came to us at church for some help this morning. Everything I do is based on what I have learned through my life journey and this site has played a big part of all of that. Sometimes it is working on these learned intuitions that helps me see a problem and find a solution to it. We can't help solve the problems of the world but we can help people - one person at a time.

Jay, good for you, you do a great job being a stroke ambassador in that place. I am sure all the patients you see have much more hope when you leave them. It is a great gift you have for them.

Sounds grim Fred, full winter gear on to see a baseball game. I'm sure nicer weather is just around the corner for you. Enjoy your Spring when it gets there and don't complain about the heat that follows!

Great idea Sandy. I am glad Bob has some hobbies to keep hi busy, very important. And the sitting out in the fresher air helps with depression and fills his body with oxygen so a good tonic now that Spring is here for you.

Because I am a widow I decided to join a couple of new meetup groups, and it is true in the main they finish drinking their coffee and go home, making friends takes a while and you either decide to do that or change groups I guess. I am glad you will have access to counsellng, I had some sessions when I was stuck in grief after Ray who I had cared for at home for 13 years died and I was on my own. It helped to get it all out and do one or two things my counsellor said to change my lifestyle, or at least get me moving in the right direction again. Yes, get out in the sun as much as you can with the warmer weather, sunlight helps fight depression. Sue.

Yes, paying it forward works. One of my friends on here is great on that and has had many blessings that way. Good for you Jay.

Sarah, do you have one of the fancy skins on or the plain blue frame? Because that makes a difference too. If you have one of the fancy frames go to the bottom of the forums page, click on "Change Themes", click on "Invision Blue" and then try to post the blog again. I know I always have to use that one for everything to work well. Actually you can change it from this page too, it is on the bottom left hand side.

Sarah, highlight the blog in the Word document then click on copy or use" control c". To transfer click in the blog box and use control v rather than paste. The full blog should appear in the box framework. Give it a title then click on "publish". I just did that with a sermon and it worked fine for me. I did delete the sermon, didn't want you all falling asleep at the keyboard...lol.

I did a talk in a church group yesterday afternoon on being a widow. Initially I was asked if I would be the MC for the afternoon, then the guest speaker let us down and I did that too. The theme was about a way in which being a Christian helps us in our daily life so I explained something of what it is like to be a widow after being a wife for 44 years. I spoke about how hard it is to be on your own when in my case I moved from my parents house into my home with my husband without any sort of transition and so I had never lived alone before. It is another reason why I miss Ray so much. I found it hard to write and harder to read but it was an honest look at what I have been through. A lot of people came up afterwards and told me how they could relate to what I said and only some were widows. Of course there are a lot of people who live alone for a lot of different reasons, some have never married, some are separated or divorced and some simply cannot live in the family home for some reason as was the case with Ray when he lived in the nursing home. I never thought of us as separated as you know I was there almost every day so it was as if he simply lived in another place which I visited on a regular basis, and as I got to know the staff, other visitors and the residents where Ray was the hours at home seemed just another part of my life. I think in a way I have not, after three and a half years, yet got used to living on my own. I try not t think too much about how things were in the past and to think more in terms of the present but I never get that feeling of relief when I walk into MY home that I hear people talk about. I think during my caregiving years that my home became my workplace. During the time when I looked after Ray full time our home was not a place of safety and contentment so much as it being a place I was responsible for, and responsible for all that happened there. That is why I say it seemed more like a workplace. I know now I can make some alterations to make it back into my home but somehow if I move furniture or buy something new it seems to make it worse not better and I still think": I shouldn't have it there because that is where....". I guess we just have to go on educating people so they know how we feel. Some of the people who heard my talk said they never realised widows were sometime discriminated against by their couple friends, it is not so noticeable in our society I suppose, it is just assumed that widows will sit with other widows. I usually do anyway as they are the ones inviting me to sit with them. In the Lions Club a lot of the men sit with their golfing or bowling buddies so the women do tend to sit together so as not to feel alone. When I go out to eat at one of my favorite buffets it amazes me when the girl acting as hostess says: "Just one today, stood you up did he?" I guess I should reply but usually i don't bother to say that sometimes I just plan to eat alone, it is easier that way. I have other pet peeves about the way society discriminates against people who live alone, like now I am looking to go on tours and cruises again the fact that most are priced "twin share" so I either have to pay an excessive supplement or find someone else to share with. Buy one get one free is the same deal, I don't want to eat that extra large packet of cereal and certainly don't want to buy two of them. I cannot contemplate buying that butt of beef that the supermarkets are marketing as a bargain. With meals for one I cannot buy the whole pumpkin unless I am making soup for the freezer or expecting the family for a few days. There are a lot of bargains that I simply can't buy. I know I am whingeing here, I am so fortunate that I have a roof over my head, a steady if not large income, the freedom to come and go as I please. But some days I would trade it happily for Ray being back here with me. I do so miss the company, the talking things over with someone, the fact that we had so much history in common. I am never going to find that with someone else and living alone is lonely for me. Life is a compromise I know and change is hard to accept. But acceptance is only ever step by step, it doesn't come as a package does it? Today one of my favorite men at church said he is moving back to Sydney to be closer to family. It seems to be a trend as another couple I see at another meeting I attend told me the same last week, so I am losing three good friends in the near future. All three are friends who accept me as I am, have weathered the ups and downs of my life with Ray and still like me as a widow. Such friends are precious. With my family so scattered I have no plans at the moment of moving closer to any of them. And so I am destined to be alone I guess. It is hard to see the way this will impact on my future so it is better to live day by day. And so I go on, filling up my days, hoping that it is all somehow worthwhile and what I am meant to be doing. Tomorrow is another BBQ with the Lions Club at the hardware chain Bunnings so I will be on team A starting at 8.30am and working till 12.30pm. I like the day out, dealing with the public has always been a part of my life and there is a lot of cheerful banter as they wait for their sausage sandwiches and the rest of the team are cheerful too. It is hard to raise money for charity so this is a good opportunity for us, raising money and giving it away is what Lions do. I was quite upbeat yesterday but today is cloudy and that affects my mood, it is the first day past the end of daylight saving so I am thinking about winter and the colder darker days ahead. Guess I will try not to think too much about that, just cross that bridge as I come to it.

Yes we can all be a blessing without even realising we are doing it. Jeff was a blessing to you with his positive feedback.

I agree Jay, it is lovely to go out and eat with family, it is a blessing to see the grandchildren and interact with them, to catch up on all the news and chat with the in-laws. And it is a blessing to get back home again. It sounds like a great day. Nice blog.

Glad to know someone else sings silly songs around the house. Ray used to say :"What is that noise?" I would say: "Nothing to be scared of just me singing."

Easter has come and gone, it was a lovely sunny morning, an excellent church service and I had a nap in the afternoon. Life as a widow is a bit lonely on special holidays Fred but I make it work.

A smile can make such a difference n my day sometimes too. You are making some good friends Jay.

Pam, I wish there was an easy solution to your pain problem but it sounds like nerve damage and there is no easy cure for that. I know you are brave and working though the pain proves that. I am glad you have some things you like around you now. Just hang on to the beauty in each day and reach out to others as much as you can. Even the nasty nurses will see the love in you one day.

The picture of you with a girly umbrella made me smile. Yes, it doesn't matter does it as long as it keeps you dry.

I still miss having Ray around. I know I keep busy and I do have a fulfilling life on the whole. Of course sometimes I really miss being part of a couple. It was the way my life was for 44 years. When the two English girls were here I so enjoyed there being someone else in the house, someone to share a meal with for example. I can spend days sitting at home by myself with no-one to talk to and it can be quite lonely and it is easy to feel isolated. But when they were here it was just great just being at home with other people here, sitting down to a meal together, talking over what we had done through the day, it is great for me to have someone else to share the small things of every day life with. I wasn't looking forward to Easter as four days of public holidays and being alone and out of routine has been a problem the last couple of years but now having my daughter and her family only an hour and a half away is great. I was so pleased when they told me they had decided that after they do the Good Friday service, they will come down to me. They need to go home Saturday night so as to be there to do their Easter Sunday service. How very nice of them. I know it is only a short break for them but for me it is having some company,particularly some time with my two grandchildren, and there will be some laughter in the house. Having my daughter close by is such a blessing, she is now my emergency back stop. I had to put my next door neighbour on several forms as my emergency contact while she was four hours drive away. I am not sure that he was thrilled but it had to be someone local. You don't realise when you move away from your parents , as Ray and I did, what happens if one is left as a widower or widow with no-one close by to help them make decisions. Ray's mother was widowed in her late 50's but had her younger daughter living at home with her still. Now I feel that a burden has been taken off me with one of my children back within a reasonable distance in case of emergencies. When I go down to the beach or to one of the parks on a long weekend and see strolling couples, picnicking families etc it always pulls at my heart strings. Ray and I were one of them once, some of them will be like me one day too. I want to feel jealous of them but they too will find what it is like to be alone one day. Now I can leave them to enjoy their time together and walk on. It is three and a half years now since Ray died and I think I am getting my confidence back. It has been a long time coming back. Now I don't necessarily have to actually be with someone, I can do a lot more things by myself. I don't necessarily want to but I can. I spend a lot of time talking to people, I like to be around people and have added a few activities to my program that give me that opportunity including helping out at church with a morning tea on Fridays that gives an opportunity to young women to drop their kids off at the school opposite the church and come in for a cuppa with us. We started last week and had three Mums come in and later an older woman who stayed until we shut at eleven o'clock. It is hard to know when you start something like this how successful it will be but I'm confident that there is a need for people to have somewhere to get together that is open and friendly and not too expensive so hoping this works as a project. I did think by now that I would have met someone new in my life, someone who would provide some companionship but I guess I am really still not ready for that. I still talk about Ray all the time I am with other people. All my stories for the 45 years from 1967- 2012 include Ray so how can I speak of my past life without mentioning him? And I think that means I am not ready to include someone else in that space. I have some widowed friends and friends from the other organisations I belong to that I can have coffee with or lunch with, I am very lucky that way. And then there are my friends in cyberspace that I can relate well to so I do have opportunities for some companionship. I'd like to do more travelling but it is a couples world and when everything is priced twin share that makes it more expensive if you have to pay single supplement without a suitable companion to travel with. I do have friends who say they want to travel but when I make suggestions it seems they are not ready to do it yet, the time is not right etc. I guess that too will resolve itself in time.I was so lucky to have the time with Ann Rogers in Norfolk and maybe she and I can meet together somewhere in the future and do some travelling together. Remember if you are a friend of mine here or on Facebook you are welcome to come and visit me in Australia, I live in a beautiful area and would have much to show you. I had a long talk to my Alice today, my littlest granddaughter in Broken Hill, she asked me when I was coming to see her again. I always reply: "Soon dearest". It will be May that I next visit them. Another Family Court date. But I know I will have fun being with her and my son. Being with someone I love who loves me...how priceless is that?

Sounds like a really goo day Jay.

Heather it sounds quiet complicated to me as a lay person but I am sure that to the surgeon it is just routine. Yes, I do think you need a neurologist's opinion too and maybe a full medical so the anesthetist can be confident that your heart etc is okay. As you are fit it should all go well.

Prayers going up for your daughter and the babe. Yes, being a grandmother is as scary as being a mother. God bless you both.

Sarah, looks like everyone else is just too envious to post a comment. Yes, some years we have a week of heat, a further month of cold and then a hot summer. I hate summers that are too hot because for us that is bush fires and lives lost. I like a mild summer with bursts of heat, we had that this year. I hear you on the damage the agency workers have done to your home. I wonder if they have some kind of indemnity policy, if not you need to get one in place. You need the time off, you need the time out, away, doing other stuff, that has always been so, so please try for more time away from the stress of looking after Gary if you can. There must be a reliable worker out there somewhere.