swilkinson

Jay I feel like you do. I visit people in nursing homes and they look forward to a visit. I don't do as much as I used to and I do hold off if it is a heavy storm but try and do it the next day. Be safe is the only rule.

Welcome to the Blog Community, with your first blog done and dusted. We say Stroke survivor here as they (and we as caregivers) are survivors, even sometimes warriors. You are a wonderful wife, you stayed, you helped, you supported, not all do. You came here and found a community you can be part of, not many do. THEN you took the step of trusting us so you posted and now have produced your first post-stroke blog as a caregiver. Very well done indeed.

If it is something you love it will bring you into another dimension in your life. Love the way you show enthusiasm about life. Enjoy!

Makes a lot of sense to me. Your ex- is responsible for your son now, he made that choice. You are helping him out but it should be either on an organised basis as any other volunteering job would be or at your call. Kelli, go on living your own life, you are doing fine. And if dating is part of the new life that is your choice too.

My English visitors went to Sydney today for five days. It has been so good having company but with the hot weather, warm nights, late nights and running them around I am soooo tired. I think it is time for me to learn to relax more. (If you know me you will know that is an impossibility). My cousin and her cousin's wife will be back on Monday, Des had to fly home to England as he has to go back to work, he is a project engineer so has a new construction job ahead of him. It was odd to have a man around the place, the deeper voice, the different topics of conversation. Ray would have loved that. So sad he is not here. So there is time to tidy up a bit and prepare for the two ladies to come back. Then we will do some day trips, to the wine area, to the next city, to the bush (well further out than the coast). It is great to have visitors as I can show them so much that is beautiful in our region. I am soft pedaling on church work as this is a sort of holiday at home for me. It has been wonderful weather, not too hot, not too windy, so walks on the beach and taking photos has been the order of most days. The cousin's cousin told me something interesting, she said my favourite word is "okay". She is probably right as I am "okay" with what most people do. I probably use "okay" in place of "yes". It is funny to think that other people see in us something we do not see in ourselves. And being told should not be confronting but informative. I know I have quirky little ways, as we all do just hope I am not boring...lol. I have always been verbal so that and creative makes me a natural storyteller so I love company and chat and just going through the process of communicating. I feel I am still in transition. It is hard to make the transition from wife or partner to widow or widower. It is still hard for me to get through the weeks, months and years without the one I loved for so long. As you know I have been out a few times for lunches with someone else but it is nothing the same. It is as if I am in a time warp sometimes. I am over three years out and there are still difficulties I hate to face alone and triggers for tears. I wonder how long it takes to actually feel "single"? We all need people to travel with on our life's journey. That is partly what this site is about. And the Blog Community where we share each others ups and downs and of course the Chat sessions where we can ask questions and get to know people better. If you don't use the chat or blog options ask yourself why? There is a lot of value in pouring out your troubles in a blog even if you never push "publish"and in fact do delete it. It is releasing seeing your thoughts on paper or on the screen. That is the other solution, an off line on paper journal but then do you feel safer writing than typing? Something to think about. I did have a quick trip to take my closest cousin up to my daughter's place. We stayed overnight and we got to spend some time with my grandchildren. It is better now they are closer. I do feel I can call and see them and catch up with their news that way. So I don't feel as isolated as I did. I so miss having that special someone in my life. For me the future is like I have a darkened mirror in my house, I look at it but the surface is black and and unpenetrable. I know I cannot see through that but I peer in anyway. I have to let go of that, just live life one day at a time, get what fun I can get out of each day. But then having no-one to share that with is an old hurt for me. I know I am fearful of change. I know there is a hole in my life. I know I fill that with busyness. If someone can tell me how to live my life better I will give it a go. But for now maybe I will take a nap instead. Lol.

(((hugs))) Sarah.

I have house guests and they took some wonderful photos of sunset tonight and have been fortunate with seeing a lot of parrots, they are loving it. Glad you get to see such beauty.

Katrina, you seem to have a problem that is not going to be "fixed" just something you have to live with. I do not say that lightly as I watched my dear husband Ray struggle for so many years with that very thing, a hand and leg he called "useless" and yet some how he kept going, as you do too. I am glad you are trying to live life to the fullest. Good for you.

Pam, whoever we live with there are always differences. I am happy you can find things to be grateful for every day, sunshine, companionship, new shoes!

Sarah, seems like you are going through a bad patch with family issues. i know how it feels to know I couldn't possibly go to someone with Ray so dependent. I know for you as for me that is not a good feeling, But then I always knew where my priorities had to be, just doesn't make it any easier, does it?

Sure Jay, prayers coming your way.

Fred, you can't win them all (lottery tickets are always losers when I get given them) but like me you have enough to eat, abed to sleep in and a roof over your head and sometimes that has to be enough.

I wish you a speedy recovery too. Here in Australia you would be eligible for respite until you were recovered enough to go home alone but there - I do not know if there is help available.

Asha, I too struggle and resist change as you know so know where you are coming from. But you have your hubby by your side and he is looking out for you so all will be well. Moving is a really big change so I think you have reason to be a little scared. Hope it all goes well.

Good for you Jay. Going back to something we used to do, or starting something new, both help our life to feel more worthwhile. Hope you get a small part in the new production.

Yes Audra, I have felt the same way. My husband Ray died in 2012, he had a stroke in 1990 (aged 48) then six more between 1999 and 2011, roughly one every two years. That is a lot of being scared, sad, lonely, helpless,frustrated, resentful and your other 40 emotions. That is why I am still here at three years a widow. I KNOW how that feels. And for that reason I wan to be supportive of others, like you, who are going through it right now. (((Hugs)))

Not to put a dampener upon it but Valentine's Day is kind of sad for widows. It is just another reminder that you are alone and the one who really cared about you is not here now. Not that Ray was a romantic man but at least he was by my side. So thanks for the greetings Fred and one day you can give me that hug you owe me.

Yes, we all have people that inspire us here. Asha is one of mine she taught me to "go with the flow'. You inspire me too Kelli, I can't imagine what it must be like to have no memories of the past as you do. You do very well with what you have so don't feel less than a whole person, as I know you are a guiding light to many here too. Better to feel you are a work in progress as we all are. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Time out to take care of yourself is just time, not a day not an hour but sometimes ten minutes. It is ten minutes extra in the bathroom, ten minutes with coffee in hand looking out the window, ten minutes in the car before you go back into the house. I looked after my dependent husband for 12 years and got very good at the ten minute break. Then there is Tuesday night Caregiver Chat. An hour talking to "the girls" plus David or Tom if they are on. That is when you tell Bruce "Only disturb me if it is an emergency, this is MY time." many a time I have left suddenly when I heard the thump of Ray hitting the ground and reappeared ten minutes later and I was the host! But Ray did get to learn about MY time and in the end respected it (as much as someone who is self-obsessed can). If I didn't have MY time tired and cranky are two words that go nicely together. So I want to introduce you to your new phrase which is: "Can it wait ten minutes, I am busy right now.". And the girls used to tell me that when they had been on chat, laughing, joking, listening to others so sometimes crying, comparing notes and having fun they DID sleep well that night.

It doesn't take much to get me stressed! I have some English visitors coming tomorrow. They fly into Sydney tonight and will be coming up on the train in the morning. I am so looking forward to this as it is my lovely cousin Jacquie who I stay with in England. She has known me since I was five, we became penfriends when she became a Brownie after I had come out to Australia with my parents and my sister. She wanted a penfriend badge so we started writing then and have shared so much over 60+ years. She is travelling with one of her cousins on her mother's side and his wife. Jacquie will stay with me while the others go off on a tour and then when they come back will do various shorter trips to see as much as they can of my part of the world. I am not the world's greatest housekeeper, in fact when I am busy with other things I can become quite untidy so it has been a bit of a rush trying to get the house to look reasonably clean and tidy for the visitors. Now as in the middle of all of this I lost two huge branches off the rubber tree up the back and had to cut it up into a pileable size with the help of one of the neighbours. With both of us using hand saws it was a bit of a challenge but we did it. Now I just have to cut it into loadable bundles,carry it all down to the front of my house block and apply for a council pick up. Why does this happen at the most inopportune times? Jacquie and I both saved up madly when we were in our late teens for her to come to Australia and me to go to England. We were going to see the world! Then the inevitable happened and we both married. I used my savings to furnish the house Ray and I bought and she did the same with the house she and Jim moved into. We both had children, she has two sons and I have two sons and a daughter. We each have six grandchildren. Ray and I went to England in 1994 and 1998. Jacquie still hoped to come over but things did not go the way she planned. Then there was the long gap during the post-stroke and caregiving years and as you know I went back to England in 2013 and again last year and now FINALLY she is coming over to me. It is times like this I so wish Ray was here. When we were in England in 1994 Ray put on an Aussie BBQ for some of Jacquie's friends. We set it up the way we would have at home, cooked the lamb chops, onions, sausages and steaks (they were expensive). I made several different garden salads and cooked beetroot and made a version of potato salad using zucchinis, The party was a big success. Now when I visit her she always says : "I wish Ray was still with you" and we shed tears and I know we will both shed tears when she arrives because she is here at last and he is not here to cook her a BBQ as he promised her he would when she finally made the trip. It is so sad isn't it? I know people expect me to be over his death now and to a certain extent I am. I must seem to be functioning fairly normally and coping with life okay. I have resumed a few of my old hobbies and maintained as many contacts as I can. There are people I have not seen or heard from since he has died and I know they were Rays friends or friends of the couple "Sue and Ray", not my personal friends. I honestly didn't think much about that until I lost Ray, as my husband, my partner and the father of my children. We had been together for 45 year, 44 of them as man and wife. I have struggled with this for the years of my widowhood, I liked a lot of these people and did think they were my friends as well as Ray's but unfortunately they were not. So I will be busy, with the visitors and fit in the rest of life around them. I will still have the church visiting to do and some other duties. I may not have too much time to read the posts on the forums or the blogs as diligently as I usually do. But I am sure you will forgive me for that. I will try to do the Blog Report as well. i do take my volunteering duties seriously. Sally says she will be okay doing Caregiver Chat alone if she has to. She is a great asset to Strokenet and I so value her as my co-host. Actually I think I am HER co-host now. She is the one still at the coalface. I am not there anymore but I can still be useful, I still have the experience to draw on to help others. Friends are important, here and in real life and we have to devote some time to them in order to maintain the links.

Yes. an optimist and a pessimist, but we mustn't judge as we don't know the full story. Keep up the good work Jay.

Fred, I have some English visitors coming on 11th February and they don't go back to England till 18th March but will only staying with me off and on as they are doing tours. So Ii guess February and thatwhole five weeks will fly by for me. Valentine's Day....still looking for someone to be my Valentine.

Welcome to the Blog Community Audra. I'm glad you came here, sorry for the reason. Yes, we all have a story, but that's the point, we all have a story and it is in sharing the story that we get the wisdom of others influencing our own journey, That is partly what blogging is all about, sharing what we have learned on the journey. But I agree, not on your Birthday. So Happy Birthday from Australia. May you have many more and may they all be happy ones. Sue.

Pam you have so much to give others, I am glad you have found someone who really appreciates that.

Welcome to the Blog Community. Thanks for becoming a member and a Blogger. We have a lot to learn from each other on this great site there is no limit to what we can learn from each other, everyone is different and so are the strokes they have experienced. Keep on posting so we can get to know you. We all need to support of each other to make it. Sue.