swilkinson

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  1. swilkinson
    How good it is to have the blogs back and finally catch up with the people who post regularly, the members of the Blog Community. I have been reading blogs here since 2005 so I have read thousands in my time on here and I admit to being a blogoholic. And I really miss you all when you are not blogging for some reason or when the blogs are down. It happens from time to time that I am away and not able to access a computer and that precipitates withdrawals if it happens for too long. So you were all missed.
     
    The first month of the year is always difficult for me, it is the aftermath of all that busyness before Christmas I think. Also here in Australia it is summer and humid and the days are long so I need more activity to fill them up when the last thing I feel like doing is being energetic. And it is school holidays so everything is either postponed or off until February and so there is no set pattern to life. For me January is reading month so a lot of light fiction and the opportunity to say “ no housework today” and sit and relax. It is great to be able to do that now I am not a full time caregiver for anyone.
     
    January is also the bad news, the first couple of funerals for the year. This leads out of the pastoral care work I do for the church and the fact that I have in the past belonged to so many organisations that now I am burying the older friends who supported me in the early days of my stroke journey with Ray. A friend in need is a friend indeed and I have never forgotten those people who stood by us through the bad times. I know for some people the idea is to leave all of that behind and “move on” but that is not for me, if you are a friend when I need you then you go on being a friend. I always say I drag my friends through life with me.
     
    And so life goes on. Good days and bad days, sweet days and sad days, as the song says. The sweet times were with my son and grand daughter Alice in Broken Hill, I was with them for the first nine days and that was a great time. As Alice had also been with me for Christmas at my house she was used to me being around. On the first day of access after I left she insisted on looking in Granny Sue's caravan to make sure Daddy was right and I wasn't there. I have heard from her since and she is still chatting away as if I was right there. In fact we did a walk “together” with Daddy holding the phone and her chatting to me as they walked, a small child's imagination in action.
     
    My daughter and grand daughter Naomi also came down for a couple of nights. I had been without a phone and computer access for a week ( long story) and she set up an old mobile (cell) phone for me. I have resisted having a portable phone of any kind as I figure you can leave a message for me on Facebook, send me an email, send me a letter and that is fine but without a phone and a computer I admit I did find it hard to keep in touch, so now I carry a phone and use a USB stick modem so I can do some work on the computer. Hopefully I will have the landline and full access back soon and will be able to do more.
     
    Church is slowly gearing back up to start the year as we do with meetings, meetings and more meetings in February/March so I am going to be trotting along at my normal pace soon. And I think I am not a race horse or a rocking horse I am a little trotter, one of those about the size of a pit pony. I will go on working with older folk and children in ministry. I have a new lady to visit in a different nursing home this year and on Wednesday I go to a funeral to farewell another lady I have been visiting for four years. That is the downside of pastoral work, the people I have come to love die. Stark truth, but I have done what I could for them and that has to be enough.
     
    So January will fade away and February take it's place. Happy New Year everybody! Whoops we have used up a month already. I hope some of your resolutions are coming to fruition and others, well sadly not all resolutions become facts. But as your northern winter passes slowly by remember you are a month closer to Spring. May all your hopes and dreams for the year ahead come true.
  2. swilkinson
    I am a born nurturer. I had thirteen years looking after my dear Ray before he died, I thought that was the end of my caregiving days but somehow I just go on caring for people, not in my home, not every day but as the need arises. I do this partly as the pastoral worker for my church and partly out in the community with the friends I have made in the dementia and stroke groups. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing it, but I do get tired, sometimes very tired. So a few days out in desert country with my son cooking the meals and not being expected to do much was a real break. I love Broken Hill, it may be really hot, hot, hot and it may be a dustylittle city with those winds blowing out of the desert but it is serene and uncomplicated and I know I am in the country not the suburbs.
     
    I had Trevor here for a few days before Christmas and enjoyed his company. We did some shopping, he did some odd jobs that needed doing and we bought a dresser to replace one I hoped he could fix but he couldn't. Mind you I had had it since the 70s so I guess it didn't owe me anything.He also had his access visits from his little daughter Alice while he was here, her first time sleeping overnight at Granny Sue's place and we had a lot of fun with her. I enjoyed cooking for two or three instead of just for one. We had some meals out too which was nice, no slaving over the stove in our summer heat. And we also enjoyed meals out with my other former daughter-in-law and my other three grandchildren who are with their Mum for the summer holidays so that was great too.
     
    I hadn't been looking forward to Christmas, the being on your own thing somehow gets in the way of total enjoyment, to me there is always a place that should have had Ray in it. I know after four years maybe people are right when they say "you should be over it" and on the whole I am but special days like Christmas Day, Father's Day, birthdays and holidays still get to me and I want to be a part of that original couple Sue'n'Ray.There are so many memories attached to that name, so many past experiences, it is hard to shake off the feeling that on my own I am incomplete. So I sat at my daughter's table,enjoyed the massive Christmas dinner her husband Craig cooked, watched the six grandchildren enjoying themselves getting to know each other again, smiled, chatted, laughed but had that empty feeling inside. Craig's mother who is also a widow had a sad look on her face too so I guess she was feeling the same.
     
    But the after Christmas days flew by and then Trevor and I were off to Broken Hill. Before we left we did have a nephew and his family call in to see us and to catch up with Trevor and Alice, his teenage girls took an interest in Alice and with an older step-brother she is comfortable around teenagers so it was a lovely visit. Although we arrived at Broken Hill on New Year's Eve in time for our evening meal I didn't see New Year's Day in, after a fourteen hour drive and having left home at 4am I let the world celebrate on it's own. I don't think Trevor stayed up either. But it is good to feel I was not apart from family even if I was away from home, I have had so many visits to Broken Hill it just seems like an extension of home to me now. I love my caravan, it is too hot in summer to have an afternoon nap in it but just to have a place to retreat to is good. Out in my caravan I feel independent and always get a good night's sleep with the exception of a couple of really humid nights when I tossed and turned a bit.
     
    Trevor did work a few hours while I was there but I always have books to read with me so I can do that anywhere. It is part of my life now, the capability to sit down and read whenever I have nothing else I need to do. How I longed for that time to come when I was so busy being a caregiver 24/7 but really I do often feel at times as if my life is empty of purpose now. At my age I doubt that is going to change, all I can really do is try to fill up the time with worthwhile pursuits. I never really trained for retirement. I left work to look after Ray and Mum and Dad, Dad died and eventually Mum went into care and then I just looked after Ray. I looked after him at home and visited him daily in the nursing home when he went into care so retirement came to me with his death, no pre-training, no golden handshake, just the realisation that time without a particular purpose stretched ahead of me. For a while I was very lost and lonely but recently have felt that I am okay now, okay with filling up my time and ending the day satisfied I have done something with my time. I am hoping to build on that this year, to do a few things differently.
     
    So my word for this year is: ENJOY. I had JOY as my word for 2016 and I did find some joy in each day but sometimes it took a bit of effort to find it. This year I am going to try to enjoy the day as it goes along. I know it will not be possible every day as we all have our ups and downs but it will be in the back of my mind that I mean to enjoy the day. None of us know how much life we have left, especially at my age but I realise now that what life will bring it will bring and somehow we have to get used to the idea that life is not within our power to control. I see people struggling with that thought here and in the real world I live in. We all want to think we can control our own destiny. I too want to have some control over my life but know now with the wisdom born of pain that it is not going to be more than a little control. And in 2017 I need to learn to be happy with that.
  3. swilkinson

    Memories from the past

    By swilkinson,

    As a caregiver for thirteen years I lost my personality. I became Sue, caregiver to Ray. I wore sensible shoes, practical outfits and had my hair cut short so I could just wash it and brush it and it dried by itself. Ray was the focus of my life. What Ray needed was routine, regular sleep patterns, more time at home, and because as he had stroke after stroke my workload increased and I spent my days waiting on Ray. I was an independent working woman when he stroked in 1999 and it was hard to adjust and I took a while to settle down into the nurse/housekeeper role but I did it. In the end you do it out of love you have for the one you care for. I would give up anything for Ray and I did give up a lot.
     
    In a way I lost my femininity too. I remember the first time I broke a heel off a high heel shoe on a grating. When you are pushing a wheelchair it is hard to see the hazards so I trod down, got the heel caught and broke it off getting it out. Out went all my high heel shoes and I settled for those with flat soles, I tried to get some pretty ones but in the end wore what was comfortable and practical and cheap because by then the costs of living with an invalid was evident. So, adjusting to being that caregiver was hard. My heart goes out to every person on this board in that position. It is not one we chose but for a variety of reasons we choose to stay and take on the new role. Not everyone does. I often heard the stories of the partner who moved out. Sad, sad stories a lot of them.
     
    Not everyone can cope with the changes not only physical changes but mental changes too. My thoughtful man turned into an introvert with not a lot to say and that "can we go home now?" look started to cut out our social life. Our friends gradually dropped away as they realised we could no longer join in the activities they had shared with us. We did have some social life and still did some travelling with the coach holidays which stopped in 2006 because I knew Ray wasn't coping with changing rooms night after night. I wanted to go on cruises but his balance issues would have made that too dangerous. Now with the ships more stabilized I could have done that. It is all about timing isn't it?. So our lives became more restricted.
     
    I am not going to go further into the woes of a caregiver as I have a lot of blogs on here about that subject. Just started this to illustrate what I feel about my life now. I am finally getting my life back. Not the work part of it now though as I am 69 but the freedom to be me part. It has taken four years from when Ray died to get to this point but at last I am free to look feminine, wear more colorful clothes, even wear a small heel. At barely five feet tall now that is not a big deal but somehow it makes me feel better. I like to look like a woman and to me that means color and style. Okay I am not a pretty woman but appearance is more important to me now. Pity my social life is mostly coffee or lunch out with other widows but that is okay, it is a social life. But I know it will never replace what I once had. No-one will replace what I had with Ray.
     
    I have a photo of Ray and I on our 40th wedding anniversary, I have an unflattering hairstyle and I look so OLD. I think older than I do now. It was partly exhaustion and partly the worried look of a caregiver who knows that the party she has given to celebrate an event, the 40th wedding anniversary, is simply too much for the partner sitting beside her. I am glad I did it as I have those precious memories and so do all of the people who attended. Men from my Lions Club had a group called the KB Singers formed to entertain at nursing homes and other similar facilities and they sang for our guests. Occasionally one will remember and say: " I remember singing at your 40th anniversary, what year was that?" Yes, it is good that we all have those precious memories and someone to share them with even if it is not the ones closest to us.
     
    One of my New Years resolutions is to take more photos. I gave that up in my caregiving years as it was always Ray with a worried look on his face. One of the strokes took away his ability to smile. I think that is fairly common but it means the attractive grin that he had in his younger days disappeared. As did his ability to make pretty speeches and express his loving nature. I know it was still there but he was unable to express himself as he had before the fourth, fifth and sixth stroke. Women might understand when I say that was very hard to bear. It is hard to work constantly for someone who no longer says: "thank you".
     
    I know Ray did appreciate what I was doing for him, in my heart I knew that lovely Ray I was married to was still there, but was no longer able to articulate what he wanted to. In the end the neurologist noted him down as having aphasia - a sad diagnosis. And the added diagnosis of dementia. I look back now and I wonder how we survived, as a couple, as a family and as members of the church and community. But somehow we did. Four years later I still bump into people from my past and they look at me and say: "And Ray?" and I say: "Sadly he died four years ago." and they smile sadly. What do you say to a widow...at first and then later? A sad smile has to fill the gap. That sadness does not go away, the pain dulls to bearable but the sadness does not go away.
     
    This is not meant to be a sad blog. With the holidays approaching and the preparations in full swing it is impossible not to think of the past, the family events, the events that stand out in my mind, Christmases past in particular. I am going to my daughters place on Christmas Day. I have my younger son Trevor coming to stay for eight days. I am sure it will be a good time with many happy memories to share. I need to take more photographs. I need to capture the precious moments because sometimes that is hard to recall when you have no-one to share those memories with. The past stands out but the present slips past filled with uneventful days. That is part of being a widow.
     
     
     
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  4. swilkinson

    Angels without wings

    By swilkinson,

    We all have angels in our lives, not the heavenly kind but the earthly kind, the people who bring us hope. I went to my second most favorite day of the year, the day of the WAGS (Working Age group for Stroke) Christmas party. This is my second favorite day because it is a festive and fabulous day of friendship, food and dancing! Today we had a large gathering, survivors, caregivers and some supportive friends or family members and yes, there was good food, yes, there was a lot of chat and laughter and yes, there was dancing! My first partner is always one of the survivors, Robin and I have had a dance together for four years now. He always apologizes because he is a slow dancer but I don't care, he can dance and smile and have a good time so he is a great partner.
     
    As at the Women's Weekend at the Christmas party the women often dance alone as their husbands, friends or partners cannot dance with them. I was the same when Ray was alive as he could not dance either. But it never seems to matter, the music plays and we dance. The DJ today played non-stop music for two hours and we went on and off the floor as we went back to have another glass of water or to mop our brows but it was such great fun. At the Christmas party some of the partners do dance and that is great to see. I must admit that I do have a tear or two whenever I see couples dancing together as it reminds me of my loss but there are several widows among us now and so I am not alone in this.
     
    I never feel more alive than when I am dancing. Dancing was once such a big part of my life, the lives of Ray and I as a couple and even with our children as we taught them to dance also. I am glad I went back to doing "Just Dance" again as it certainly has improved my stamina and now I can dance for quite a while without needing a break, which is good. Some of the survivors are young (early thirties) and keep on urging me and other older women back onto the dance floor to keep them company. I love the WAGS people, they have all been angels in my life from time to time, when I have been down, when the worst period of my life, the last two years with Ray, were dominated by sadness and frustration and old fashioned exhaustion they understood and supported me. I will always be grateful for that which is why I continue to support them in any way I can.
     
    One of the caregivers from that group meets up with a group of older fellows in our shopping centre and sometimes I do too. They are the group her stroke survivor son sits with while she shops. This week she took a cake and some other goodies to have a morning tea for one of the men who turned 94 on Monday. He was so pleased that after we had sung "Happy Birthday" (to the amusement of other people in the Food Court) he got quite tearful. It is amazing what a small act of kindness can do. Which is why I continue to associate with the WAGS group and other groups that I have belonged to. Your caring does not cease when the person you are looking after dies, we all need care of some kind, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to share a laugh with. And that is what I look forward to in my widowhood. I could stay at home isolated and depressed or I can get out and join the world. And maybe do a good deed or two out in the community.
     
    Summer is here now, both officially and in reality. The hot days and humid nights have begun. Some times I have a lot of trouble sleeping, I have a fan but not an air conditioner in my bedroom. I don't like air conditioners as I much prefer to feel a breeze in the room if there is one. Unfortunately the last few nights have been pretty still so I have not had not a lot of sleep. This was a problem when I was looking after Ray but now I can have an afternoon nap if I need one. Today when I came home from the party I slept for two hours. I guess all that dancing tired me out, but it is a good tired when you are worn out from doing something you enjoy. And of course I am getting older and dancing is a vigorous exercise.
     
    I am doing some Christmas cards now. I am not sending out a lot as I will send greetings via Facebook and email as well, no sense in doubling up. If you are on my Facebook page you know what I am doing most of the time, not as much as if you read in the blogs of course as I don't put a lot of personal information on line, more often I'm posting pictures with an occasional comment. You see pictures of my grandchildren, my church activities and my thoughts for the day. I advertise the Lions Club events sometimes and details of other things I am involved in. It is a pity this has replaced personal letters but that is the mechanics of the world we live in. I am grateful to be able to stay in touch with so many people as that too stops me from being isolated.
     
    Life is good. Well not good every day though I do like to stop and think about the good things at the end of each day. My word for this year was "Joy" and I think I can find some joy in every day including the days when things go wrong. It is harder then but if you look at each day there seem to be rays of sunshine peeking through the clouds wherever you look. It is better to look on the bright side of life rather than the gloomy side. I have had many occasions in the past when I have sat on the pity pot and sometimes I still do. That again is things like seeing those couples walking arm in arm or when I am at a function and realise that I am completely alone. Because I am no longer a member of a couple and when I go home I go back to an empty house. Then I might feel sorry for myself for a moment or two. But on the whole I am okay and my life is manageable.
     
    And to a certain extent like Asha is always telling me, I do go with the flow, take the path of least resistance, try and find something good in every situation. And that is when I see that glimpse of an angel delivering good things into my life.
  5. swilkinson

    Don't play B17

    By swilkinson,

    One of the painful aspects of being a widow is flashbacks. Flashbacks make you cry, they destroy the happiness of the moment and leave you feeling drained. I was at a Christmas party and suddenly in the background there is one of the songs Ray and I used to dance to when we were young, a "golden oldie", the room goes blank around me and there I am just missing him so much, that feeling of being loved and protected and safe in his arms. No-one puts their arms around me like that any more. I am lucky I go to a fairly friendly church where I get the occasional hug and belong to groups such as Lions where some people like me and give me a kiss on the cheek or a quick squeeze so I do have some bodily contact but I do miss those loving gestures that are so special in a relationship.
     
    Okay, I guess we have that during the caregiver period too, those moments when we want life to be as it should have been, as we had planned for it to be. But when you are a widow you know it is all over. Being a widow is a whole different ball game. It is putting on the bright sky smile when you are out and putting on the rainy day frown when you are home. It is capturing moments of joy when there are people around and learning to live in the silence when there is only you back at home. it is doable and most of the time I am doing well but at times I break down and cry, for what was, for what I have lost, for what life should have been like.
     
    This time of the year with so many of the people chatting about Christmas, visiting family, what they, that is themselves and their partner/spouse are going to do TOGETHER it is even more difficult. I am accepted by the couples now so I sit surrounded by people with plans for events that two people can do together. They travel together, visit family together, enjoy the things I wanted to do with Ray when we retired, caravanning, camping out, enjoying the beaches and the seasonal events. I still miss being a part of a couple. I miss being a part of a large extended family. I lost that when Ray died as I was Ray's wife and suddenly I wasn't I was just Sue who used to be married to "one of the cousins". It is the way they see me now, I know because that is the way someone introduced me. It is totally different way of being seen by people.
     
    It s good my daughter is close now and I am going up to her place for Christmas and hopefully the grandchildren will all be there some time during the day, morning for some, afternoon for others. I am really looking forward to it. But I will still be feeling the loss of Ray and I guess our kids will too, there is no substitute for him. Craig's mum will be there and she is a widow too so we always exchange sad smiles when the name of our loved one comes up. So it is a bitter/sweet time of the year for me. I will also have Trevor staying here for a few days Christmas week so that will put a shine on the week for me, and at the moment it seems Alice might be here too, for her access visits so something different to plan for. I am so looking forward to that week.
     
    I have had a man friend I have been going out with for a while and then suddenly it was over and I know why. Many people say it is not good to go out with a widow because they will always compare you to their late husband and I guess in a way it is true. It was not the problem for me but I know now that I judged his reactions by the way Ray would have reacted. If he said this, I said that, it was an automatic response. He would look puzzled and ask: "Why did you say that?" and there it is, the problem with being with one man for 44 years. I was used to doing things and saying things and being understood but that does not apply in a new relationship and can lead to some misunderstandings. Maybe I am like the old dog who cannot learn new tricks. So it is over, in the end he said "too many complications" and that is right.
     
    So if you are wondering about the title of the blog it is from a song by Olivia Newton John called "Please Mr please" about a song that reminds her of a lost love. I have a thousand dance tunes that remind me of Ray as dancing was how we courted and dancing has a place in our family's history. We danced on and off until he had the first stroke in 1990 and he could no longer spin around. We did a two step at our daughter's wedding and that was the last time we danced in public. It was so sad. I would hear music and just long to dance but if I tried to hold Ray up and dance it was never the same. And he wanted to forget he had ever danced I think as the memories were too painful for a man who hated to cry.
     
    I did did get the title of Pole Dancing Princess at the Saturday night dance for the Women's Weekend this year. I only went to the Saturday dinner as there is so much else to do in my busy life, but I love those women and I am never going to forget the positive impact they had on my life when I found them all in 2006. Just as I am never going to forget the impact finding this site had on my life, it saved my sanity. Unlike Ray I can smile through my tears. And that is what I do when those particular love songs comes on the radio or out of the DJ's disco machine, I smile and think yes, at least I have those happy memories to cherish.
  6. swilkinson
    You know those days when you sit and wonder what life is all about, why this is happening to you and yours and why not to someone else who of course is nasty, horrible and deserves the suffering? If you answer "no" then I know I have met a saint!!! because I think we all feel like this at some time. Well I am here to tell you that whatever you are experiencing is building you into a better, more compassionate and loving person. It is opening your eyes to the suffering in the world around you and giving you valuable insights into the human condition. I am telling you this because you may not be able to see it but I can see it from where I am looking now, four years after my caregiving days ended.
     
    Yesterday afternoon I went to join the 34 other women at the Women's Weekend put on by our WAGS (Working Age Group for Stroke) committee the second weekend in November each year. I haven't been to the full weekend for a couple of years but still go to the Saturday night dinner. Each year I say I won't go and each year I let friends from that group talk me into it. They are all wonderful women. The group is a combination of women who are caregivers and women who are stroke survivors, When I first heard about it I was surprised that the two groups went to the same weekend but it is a great idea as the caregivers and survivors learn from each other.
     
    My big lesson this time was that while I am now past my caregiving days I still have much to share with present day caregivers. I still have women coming to me and asking what I did about this or that problem when it arose. I still have stroke survivors asking if Ray went through this or that problem and how it was resolved. In other words I can still be useful to the group and to the individual members. For my own sake I confine it to the one afternoon and evening as I want to lose some of the angst that comes with daily care and concentrate on my new life now. I hope that is not being selfish but it is part of the new Sue.
     
    The dinner and dance that follows is a major event for some of the participants, to say they go wild is an understatement. Our DJ for the evening is a very flamboyant man and with 36 ladies on the floor he is blown away by the waves of estrogen or that was his excuse anyway. I think his aim is for us to have the best possible time and as the wine flows the dancing gets wilder and wilder. i must say I can do a mean twist and my rendition of some of the more modern dancing is better because I do "Just Dance" as my exercise program and so know some of the words and some of the moves to the amazement of the younger women. And I am not going to tell you why I got the Dance Trophy award for being the "Poledancing Princess". What happens at "The Willows" stays at "The Willows".
     
    I also encountered one of the other guests of the motel who was over from New Zealand because her step son is dying in the local hospital. She was sitting alone and as I stopped to have a conversation with her out poured her story. To add to her sadness she had just had an argument with her son and he had disappeared, probably to a nearby bar, so she was upset about that too. I think talking to a stranger like me helps, chances are we will never meet again and so she was able to vent to me about the whole situation without fear that I would pass it on to her family. The step son is in his early 60s, far too young for what is happening to him and as he has been her mainstay in her years since she became a widow the thought of losing him is devastating for her.
     
    I have always taken heart from the thought that other people suffer much worse than I have. I know that is not how everyone sees life but it has helped me tremendously. I am just one of millions of women and men who have cared for a loved one. I am not special but I am unique, in the way I handle life, in my life philosophy and in the way I deal with stress, frustration and the whole caring process. On the other hand I have learned so much from others that has helped me in that journey. We can all reach out to others, if we are not too shy or too self-absorbed to do so. We can all share our experiences to help others to put their own life in perspective.
     
    Today I did the little Sunday service I do each week, only five people there but in that intimate group it is okay to share some of this and so I did. I don't know how much people absorb of what I say but it doesn't matter, I say it anyway. If I can cause someone to look at the disabled, the disadvantaged and those who struggle with sympathy rather than contempt then that is enough to make me feel that I have played some small part in making another's life easier to live. Thanks to all of you who do the same.
  7. swilkinson
    On Tuesday it was the Big Race, the Melbourne Cup,so many people watch it that it is called the Race that Stops a Nation here. We have entries from all over the world. The Godolphin family who own Emirates Airlines fielded five horses this year, a marvel really in all kinds of ways. I didn't back a horse this year, too busy with other things but made sure I was home for the race itself. It is a Aussie thing to do. There are sweeps in the offices and my first memory of a sweep was in senior high school, small stakes but a thrill to win. I come from a family with a history of gambling so I don't gamble myself, safer that way.
     
    I am 69 so I have a lot of years to look back on. Sometimes I sit and think of sad memories, Ray had the long period of invalidity with strokes, I had Dad here with cancer and he died after a fall in 2000, I had Mum for two years here with Alzheimers and we had all kinds of problems with her. Then she had the long period in the hostel and nursing home when I supervised her care and visited her regularly. With her and Ray dying two months apart I got stuck in sadness for a while but am over all of that now. I still have a lot of sad memories but I have a heap of happy memories too.
     
    In 1979 - 1983 we lived on the side of the Pacific Highway in a little town called Karuah. We were the first house off the bridge on the south side so the first stop for a lot of people who were making inquiries, needed water for their radiator or who were lost. There was an information board in the park opposite but humans being what they are they preferred to holler to me over the fence rather than get the information themselves so I had a lot of encounters with the public. Ray also had an office in the house and as he was away a lot there were always forms on the kitchen table that I had to hand to one of his fishermen or oyster farmers and it often had an envelope with it so I had to walk across to the Post office and post it too.
     
    We were well known in the district because of this so on Melbourne Cup day I would put on the television and put out some cups and saucers and maybe some sandwiches and see who arrived. One year we had road works outside our gate so at about a quarter of an hour before the race there was a knock on the door and there was one of the road workers saying: "Could we come in and watch the Cup? I think we are a bit grubby to go to the Club." The Bowling Club was directly behind us but they had a strict dress code so the workmen definitely wouldn't have been welcome among the nicely dressed ladies and their men friends, there for the Melbourne Cup party. So they were my visitors one year.
     
    Another year there had been a spate of burglaries around the town, even Ray's boat shed was broken into. On Melbourne Cup day a police car drew up and a couple of policemen came in, supposedly to ask if he had seen anything unusual while he was loading or unloading his boat earlier in the week as he was often out late at night. "Oh it's Cup time." one said, "Do you mind if we stay for that?" Of course they were eyeing the sandwiches on the table so they were invited to stay and have some afternoon tea with us. It was just good luck Ray was home that day, he was unfortunately unable to help with their inquiries but it was always good to have afternoon tea together, always good be on the right side of the law.
     
    And the last of our three years there some of the fishermen decided to have a BBQ in front of our house, because we had a large waterfront park in front of the house and it was a convenient spot for them to meet. Of course their ladies were at a party else where and of course they finished up inside watching the Cup with us. It was those kind of things that made Ray popular, he always did his duty as far as upholding the law went but he held no preconceived ideas of what people were like and all were welcome to come into our kitchen and have a cup of tea. It is one of the good things I remember about him at that time, years before the strokes. He loved his time with Fisheries, to him it was Boys Own Adventure time. It was a bit lonely sometimes for me and the children but that is another story.
     
    We all have memories good and bad. In the bad times it is often hard to remember the good times and a lot of blogs on here reflect that and that is good. We all need a place to vent and the Strokenet site is set up to allow that to happen and to let people post and blog in that way so that like-minded people can support them. Let's face it, we all go through the hard times and I am more than ready to support people any way I can. I have had so much support here myself from my very first post. When I came here in 2005 Ray had just had stroke number four, far more than I had ever envisaged. He was on the right medication to stop strokes both his doctor and his neurologist said but despite that he had more. It was a hard time for me. So finding Strokenet was wonderful.
     
    I think I have a sign on my forehead that says: "Good Listener" for that is also true for me in real life. I can sit down on a park bench and soon someone is sitting there with me and chatting away telling me all their troubles. And that is fine, another way of keeping loneliness at bay. I have accepted being a widow now but I guess I will never stop feeling that with Ray's death something good went out of my life. Those 44 years of marriage made a solid foundation. I may make new friends and have a new experiences but those old memories will always be with me.
  8. swilkinson
    For those that don't know I have stepped down from hosting Caregiver Chat. I was a chat host for eleven years but four years out from Ray's passing I thought it time to step down. I do miss it and think fondly of all the many people who over the years I have chatted to. A few of them are on my Facebook page so I do see what they are doing, but on Facebook we only put the highs,not the lows, so I hope that are all well and coping with life. I know as a caregiver that life is not easy as I often struggled with Ray's care needs but for a stroke survivor it is forever a part of your lives and I do respect that.
     
    Caregivers, please support Host Sally as she needs to be busy, sitting waiting for someone to come into chat is boring so if you can drop by for a few minutes on Tuesday nights I am sure she would appreciate that. I used to be a telephone counselor on the "Lifeline" phones, Lifeline is a suicide line but dramatic as that sounds our main callers were the lonely. They had a problem filling in time and when I was on Thursday nights I would have regular callers. I know how bad loneliness can be, it can lead to depression and other illnesses. You need never be lonely, reaching out to someone solves that problem and on this site there are many ways of doing that, blogging, posting and chatting being the main ones. So if you are lonely reach out to people who understand.
     
    It seems Spring is full on this year. We are having cool nights and warm days, the weeds are outstripping the plants in the garden so gardening has become somewhat of a chore. Weeding has never been my favorite occupation. But I love the Spring blooms, never underestimate the beauty of a red geranium against a green lawn and a bright blue sky. Some years there is no Spring and we go straight to summer so I am appreciating the continuing of the cooler nights, when summer does come we will want them back. I have been to some of the beach cafes but it is too cold for me in the water to swim until December so looking forward to having some summer soon.
     
    End of year functions have started appearing on my calendar and friends who say "see you soon" may be disappointed that I can't fit everything in. It is a good problem to have when you are a widow. I have found loneliness a problem particularly over the first two years when my family were wide spread and I didn't have a lot of companionship. Now some of my old acquaintances are back in touch and that is good and I have filled my life with busyness so I have a variety of things to do in my life. it is not the ideal existence but it is not too bad either. Being a widow can be an isolating situation but if you move forward a little at a time new things do come into your life and make it better.
     
    I have a man friend I go out with once or twice a week, day time only as he has leukemia and tires mid afternoon. Most days he drops me home at 4pm as he has medication to take before dinner, that's a problem for us old folk...lol. It is a friendship I am learning to appreciate. It is good to have a day out and rain, hail or shine we find somewhere to have lunch and somewhere interesting to go. He is a collector ( read hoarder) and loves the second hand shops and charity shops and I don't mind browsing around and we both enjoy a walk so plenty to do. I met him at a nearby church market and now he comes to our market at church too so I get to sit and talk to him for a while there. He is very different to Ray but in a way similar to my Dad so it is an easy relationship.
     
    And so life goes on with it's ups and downs. I am keeping in good health at this point in time so I am grateful for that. Church is a bit full on as I seem to be second in charge of a few of the groups, I don't mind being a backup just don't want it all to fall on my shoulders. I do lead one of the Sunday services so I have a permanent commitment to that. I guess things change slowly and that service will be reviewed after Christmas so I may have more free time then. On the whole life is doable .
  9. swilkinson

    Pictures of my life

    By swilkinson,

    I was looking back on the life I have lead in the past twelve months or so and discovered I have no pictures to look back on and yet I have been a lot of places and done a lot of things. During the last few years with the exception of the two trips overseas I have taken very few photos. I guess it is because I am alone and so I forget to take the camera with me, after all who is going to want to share the photos afterwards? The ones I have on my computer are mostly those of the six grandchildren, sent to me on Facebook or by email that I have downloaded and sometimes passed on to Shirley, my daughter, who is not on Facebook or shared them with my friends who are on my own Facebook page because I am a proud Grandma and those pictures of my grandchildren are precious and I do want my friends to see how much they have grown.
     
    Because I have not taken photos regularly I have failed to record some important events, events I have shared with others and some I am only just realizing were precious only to me. Why have I not recorded them as I did when I was the mother of a family or part of a couple? I don't really know except that as a widow I don't feel that what I do is important to any one but me but of course it is, this is my new life, my whole life and I am letting it slip past unrecorded. So I have made a new resolution, I need to record my life in pictures as well as words.The words of course are in my blogs here and on Widowed Village but that does not really record what is happening day by day so maybe I need to start a journal again too.
     
    My journaling in the past has never been a success so that is why I blog, but the blog is often more an expression of philosophy rather than a record of events. Sometimes I wonder what that is about, why it is a reflection rather than a record of events. But I guess it is because it is important not to make it too personal, after all a lot of people read it over a period of time and so I don't write the nitty gritty but paint a wider picture of how my life FEELS. Even then I am sure it holds little interest for a lot of people. I am not a caregiver now, I am a widow and have a different kind of life to what I had in those caregiving years. Perhaps on the whole a lonelier one but certainly having little in common with the life I lead when I looked after Ray.
     
    One of the disappointments in my life is that as a widow I have no-one to share the details of my life with. Of course I can tell a friend an interesting story about something that has happened to me but only immediate family ask how you have been and what you have been doing and really want to listen to your answer. It is easier to retain memories if you discuss or rehash them with others, so in the main life slips by and I hardly remember what I did day to day. Without memory sharing I find I have not a lot of recorded memories of my own. I might speak to others on the phone or even discuss some things face to face but it is all generalized rather than defined details. I really miss Ray as a listener, involved in the same life, interested in the same people.
     
    Very few people really want to see your grandchildren's photos once they stop being cute babies. I note this in several organizations where doting grandmothers pass their phones around and ask : "Have you ever seen anything as cute?" and politeness stops us from saying that the new baby is not as cute as the offspring of our offspring. After all beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I know other people to whom I relate tales of my grandchildren's doings will not duplicate my pride in them. I have some friends who are interested for a few minutes but I then see them losing interest or looking eager to top my story with one of their own. That's human nature.
     
    Today I had a free day, no Saturday excursion with my man friend today as he had some other plans. I went to a local market held in the grounds of a local pub, nothing much of interest to me there but I ran into some of the women from my Craft group who are not the church goers but the women from the community. These women have often included me quite willingly in their outside activities and today was no exception as they invited me to join them for lunch in the hotel's picnic area. The next three hours were good for me, bright company, good conversation, some laughs. I am blessed with my friends and acquaintances, in the fact that so many wonderful people have entered my life and given me permission to enter theirs, that is what makes my life feel worthwhile. Of course it is not one of the things included in the pictures of my life although it should perhaps be.
     
    So I think I will try to capture a moment here and there of things that are important to me, sunrises and sunsets, the garden in bloom, the people who I work with and love doing so as well as the changing geography of my area. I must remember to take some photos of my old friends too. Otherwise my kids will have no-one who appears in my photo albums to say: "Who is that???" or "I don't know who this is but she/he and Mum seem to be having fun." because I need them to know that I was with people who cared about me enough to be seen with me at various functions. After all the albums contain plenty of photos of them growing up so maybe they should also contain photos of me growing old.
  10. swilkinson
    One of the Aussie stroke survivors on here and I are trying to get together for a lunch. We keep proposing dates and then one or the other of us has to cancel. I know this is a busy life so I guess that is the reason. It is not a long trip as she lives in Sydney an hour and a half or so from here, maybe two and a half hours if I factor in public transport.. I find it difficult to make a date and a time as that depends what else is happening in my life. I am picking up friends from the past again. They are retiring and moving back to the Central Coast. It is good in a way but these days we are just acquaintances having lived for 40 or more years without seeing each other. It surely must have been much easier a few generations ago when we didn't move around as much, to keep in touch with friends and family.
     
    It is Spring here, hot today, cool change tomorrow. I have been doing some Spring cleaning, mainly changing curtains etc. It had to be done sooner or later. I keep on thinking I will declutter but the most I seem to do is a shopping bag at a time. Each of the precious items I have saved holds a memory. I changed the bedroom curtains today and even that has an impact as it changes the way I look at my room. I still look at it through the eyes of Ray's wife. I still struggle to be "me", sometimes I can do it, be just me without any title but that only lasts a short while. Forty four years is a long time married and only four since so I know in the end I will be able to do it. For now it is as though life is a tree losing it's leaves and I resent each one that drops to the ground.
     
    I had my daughter and her family here for a couple of nights last week so all of that bed linen needs to be washed too. I do the jobs as I get around to them, fitting them in between other parts of my busy life. Today, with a warm wind blowing was an ideal day to start the clean up. I always smile when friends say : "You could do it all in a day if you wanted to." Yes, when there are two of you working side by side it is a lot quicker to tidy a garden or clean out a room but when I am by myself it is so tempting to sit and look at the book you are moving or the photo album you are about to pack away.
     
    I am hoping to get stuck into the garden soon, haven't done any repotting for ages and can't now until the bromiliads slow down again as they are starting to bloom. I have always had a lot of plants in pots. That started when we lived away for ten years while Ray was with Fisheries. As we knew we would only be in any one station for three years it seemed more sensible to put the plants I valued into pots rather than into the garden so they could move on with us. I am gradually accumulating new geranium cuttings which is just as well as some of the mature plants are around twenty years old. I have a deep red ivy geranium that was originally a dance prize in 1983 that I have taken many cuttings from over those intervening years.
     
    One of the things that fills my life with joy is the weekly phone calls from my grand daughter Alice. Sometimes we talk on Skype. I am glad I live in the Facebook/Skype age as I can talk to her when her father has enough credit to allow her to do so. It is nice to have her chirrupping away about Playgroup and Toy Library and swimming lessons and all the other things that fill her time with her Dad. It is strange that as the youngest she is the only one I speak to regularly. With the others I speak to their parents and only very occasionally to them personally. Her Dad, Trevor, is determined she will have that contact on a regular basis as they live so far away from the rest of the family.
     
    I am determined to have happy days. It is not really an actual goal but it is a different way of looking at life. When I go to bed each night I review the day..what has happened, who I've see or talked to, what I have done. From all of that I try to think of things that have given me satisfaction, helped someone, made me feel happy. Some days do not have a lot to recommend them, rainy days, days when plans are changed, days when I get bogged down in menial tasks and don't seem to achieve a lot but there are other days when there is something to make me smile. I love Sunday hugs from some of the widows,a meal out, a day in the garden where I can look back and see a new row of spinach seedlings or a few repotted plants that are about to flower. I think I have always liked the simple things. Just today changing the curtains, tidying drawers, finding some old photos to look at, that is enough to make me happy.
     
    A friend recently asked me when I am going to start taking those trips I have promised myself and you know I doubt I will now. I never did see the value of travel for travels sake and without a partner to travel with I would be alone. I seem to have reverted to the simpler life I lived as a child, short trips always with a person to visit at the end. Maybe that is what your retirement years should be about. There is plenty to do as a volunteer but I like to have days at home now too. I fought the loneliness for so long and now I am more comfortable with it. I don't want people around me all the time as people often mean work as a volunteer. But I do like company so my new man supplies some of that. And so do old friends, the groups involved in church and Lions and Apex40 and the odd groups of ladies who I go to lunch with.
     
    Time to turn some of that washing into ironing. I am moving through the house looking at the curtains, bed spreads etc. It is wash one lot, then the next. Knowing me that will last a day this week then half a day next week etc. I need to give up all the other activities and stick to one job. But that is not when usually happens in my life. As John Lennon said; "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
  11. swilkinson
    I was sick all last week with a chest infection. It really took away my energy and I spent a lot of the time watching the Paralympics. Thank goodness this year's programming gave me a lot of options to watch so I saw a variety of sports. It certainly was inspiring to watch people who were struggling to just walk who were running, jumping, rowing, throwing the discus etc. I have to say I have great admiration for those who overcame great odds to be the best in their chosen sport. It certainly raises questions about what we who have been able bodied all our lives have done with our abilities.
     
    I just spent two days with my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren who live just an hour and a half north of me. I went up on the 19th, which was the fourth year anniversary of Ray's death, a sad day for me, and stayed overnight with them. Then on Tuesday I went to my grand daughter's concert. She is twelve and in the last year of Primary School, High School for her next year (our school year ends in December with school starting again in February). As she moved in January she was afraid she would miss out on the school concert but this school managed to get most of their 800 students on the stage in a concert that lasted 2 and a half hours. It was the 125th anniversary of the school's founding and they made it a huge celebration.
     
    I have never seen such an assortment of fairies, aliens and fantasy creatures. The costumes were wonderful and showed great imagination, and the music they performed to was mostly modern Pop songs played very loud and the kids danced and sang and laughed and had great fun. There were six performances in all, three day performances and three evening ones, so I am betting the school is empty on Thursday with parents giving up on trying to wake tired children. It was great to be there. I am making up now for all the times I was unable to be with the grandkids when I was caring for Ray. We did manage to go to wherever Shirley and Craig were posted at least a couple of times a year but that is not the same as being there for them as a grandparent on a regular basis. I am able to do that now.
     
    Today I finalised my bookings to meet Sarah Rademacher in Hawaii in February. Sarah and I have talked on Strokenet and Facebook since 2005 and promised each other in our bad times that one day we would meet in Hawaii, so that is finally going to happen. Sarah will be the third person from Strokenet I have met in person as I hosted Babsz and her husband (Barbara and Eddie King from Oklahoma City) when they came on a cruise to Australia some years ago, met up with Ann Rogers last year in Norfolk, England at her son's wedding and next year I will meet Sarah. For someone who lives right across the other side of the Pacific from the USA I think I have done really well. Maybe one day we will meet eh?
     
    Life goes on day by day for me. Some days are better than others. Being a widow means I am lonely sometimes despite the friends I have. I would give anything for life to be like it was before Ray got sick etc but I know that losing Ray was the worst thing that ever happened to me, that he is irreplaceable and anyone else who comes into my life will not be the same. I do have the company of the man friend I go out with on Wednesdays but that is a different situation. We are both in our sixties, we are not young and energetic, we are not setting up house together or looking for permanence, we are simply going out together. That is fine and dandy but it will never replace the relationship that I had with Ray.
     
    Life is good most days and I try for an attitude of gratitude. I am so much better off than a lot of people, I know that. I have so many wonderful memories and so many wonderful friends and acquaintances. I have a family who try to keep in touch and people apart from them who care for me. There are just some times it doesn't feel like that. And that is when I go out in the garden and pull up weeds or go for a walk or do something to distract me from those gloomy thoughts. I know to feel like that is just natural around the anniversary dates and everyone has periods of sadness in their lives so I have to just go on, one foot in front of the other.
     
    I hope my time on here has been useful to people. I have loved being a part of this Blog Community and counting as friends people I have met on Strokenet. I don't know what I would have done without some of the advice and encouragement I have had here and have tried to give it back in the same way. I feel as if I know a lot of you, as if we are neighbours and friends and when the going is tough you are right there. And that has certainly continued through my widowhood. I guess because I have been a caregiver and lived with a stoke survivor that situation somehow outlasts death as it has in my other groups. And that is one of the greatest blessings I count as mine.
    .
  12. swilkinson
    A big Thank you to the "guests" who came to Caregiver Chat for my retirement party. I have been a Chat Host for eleven years and I am stepping down for many reasons. I am not leaving the site as I will still be the Blog Moderator. I will not be on chat as often but will call in from time to time. I am sure Host Sally will do her usual amazing job and all will be well. There will always be someone there to support you when you need it. To the many people who gave up an hour of the evening to be with me in the Caregiver Chat room tonight, thank you so much, for your kind words, for your support and for all you contribute to this site. Nice to have chatters from the past come back for the event too.
     
    I've picked myself up after the September anniversaries, Father's Day, Ray's birthday and the fourth anniversary of his passing . Funny how those anniversaries still have an impact. I guess they always will to some extent. I know those of you who have lost loved ones will know what I mean and understand. But life goes on and I have to go on with it. Four years since he left, I think about him daily but mostly try to think of the happier memories. I do fail in that from time to time but not all the time now in the main my grief is not as easily triggered, not as immediate and the pain of loss not as strong.
     
    Lots to do with Spring here, I am still clearing in the back corner of the garden so if that brown snake comes into my yard again I should see him. I never go up the back without the metal rake in my hand, I just hope I am quick enough if I ever need to use it. I don't have the abundance of Spring flowers that I have had in years past, the steady rain has slowed growth but I do have some flowering shrubs like azaleas out and my spinach is really growing fast now. Some of the herbs are starting to go to seed but I have some new plantings so should have parsley and mint into summer. I like to have some home grown vegetables and herbs, not the best place to garden so close to the sea as the salty mists do slow down growth to a certain extent.
     
    Planning for the months ahead now, the Christmas party/end-of-year meetings tend to start in November so September/October are the Spring cleaning months and then the busiest part of the year starts when Spring turns to Summer. The temperatures at night are still low at the moment so have to keep all the blankets on the bed but the days are starting to warm up. I am starting to get into the swing of things with the Sunday service I am doing and have had very few mishaps. There always seems to be something funny happening, maybe that is just my perception as everyone else seems to be comfortable with the new service.
     
    On Monday I went with my friend to a waterfront park about forty minutes drive from here and the weather was so lovely, the kind of day you want it to be in Spring. The sky was blue without a cloud and the same blue was reflected in the water of the Brisbane Waters (nothing to do with the capital of Queensland, just named after the same Governor) and there were ducks and ducklings out and about, so good to see them pottering around. We had a good walk along the water's edge and then lunch out and he always drops me home around four o'clock. It is good to have a companion now. It is very different from how it was when I dated as a young woman and we call it "just going out together" so it is not a formal arrangement, just companionship.
     
    My family are all well. My grand daughter from Newcastle has had the same chest cold I had but is over it now and both my daughter's children are looking forward to doing the school holiday stuff like going to the movies and out to the Reptile Park which is their next holiday excursion. My grand daughter Alice in Broken Hill has just been enrolled in learn-to-swim classes and I am looking forward to her telling me all about that, she yells down the phone as she knows I am a long, long way away...lol. The Adelaide grandchildren will be here locally staying with their mother next week so I will see them then. It is always great to see them and how much they have grown in the twelve weeks since i saw them last. They too live a long, long way away. It is sad for me that I cannot go to their concerts etc as I can for the family who live only an hour and a half away.
     
    So life is good when the sun shines and it is possible to go out into the garden and beyond. I do find plenty to keep me busy and keep the enemy "loneliness" at bay. I have enough contact with the outside world for some contentment to be a part of my life. I still struggle with doing so much on my own but know that is the case for so many widows. It is not for nothing we often use the phrase "lonely widow" because being on your own, whatever the reason, can be lonely. But I am getting used to that now. Thank you to all those who have encouraged me on my journey, and thanks for continuing to be supportive of me, it does make a difference.
  13. swilkinson
    I have been sick for a week, only a chest infection and cough but enough to slow me down and keep me home. I thought of going to the doctor for antibiotics but usually only do that if it turns to bronchitis which fortunately it didn't do this time. Spent the first three days inside,trying to keep either cool or warm as it seemed to change hour by hour. I went out on the fourth day to a meeting, to an appointment and then did some shopping and that was really tiring. Going out was definitely not a good idea, so I then had three days at home again. I am feeling much better now and as tomorrow is Sunday I will go to church and maybe even to coffee afterwards. I do need a treat after spending so much time alone.
     
    I used to say: "Who looks after the caregiver?" but now that I am a widow and used to being alone I just get on with it. I know I need to be sensible in my eating, take over the counter cold solutions, keep warm and sleep as much as I can. Honestly I know this is what has to happen for the rest of my life so I may as well get used to it. No sense in moaning as moaning doesn't make life any better. Happily there is the Paralympic Games to watch so I did a lot of viewing and enjoyed seeing the bravery and determination of the mostly young people involved. It is such a wonderful experience for them all and the medals of any colour are welcomed with big smiles and waves to family and supporters and I love to see the simple sportsmanship they display. So much better than the Olympics in my opinion.
     
    Today I did some more work on my garden, this morning I planted out some tomato plants in big pots and some salad greens. I have been doing a little at a time so I don't get too tired. All the back where I saw the brown snake last week is now tidied and I will be able to see anything lurking up there now. I don't get a lot of snakes but do get one or two each summer. The block behind me is really overgrown and I would like the owner to clear it. It can take years to get anyone to take that sort of action so keeping my back yard clear is the best I can do. I did tell the neighbours either side about the brown snake though so they can be aware they are around all ready.
     
    While I was in the back garden the little children on the bottom side climbed up with the help of their Dad and talked to me over the fence. Some of you might remember how much trouble there was putting up the side fence as it ruined my garden but fortunately it didn't ruin the relationship with my neighbours and I still see them occasionally out the front playing in their enclosed play area and enjoy talking to them and it is great to have that happy relationship. The four little ones are now seven, five, three and just about a year old so it is nice to participate in their lives too. I mostly get to talk to Charlie as he is the one that throws balls over my fence, if I throw one back he yells: "Thanks Nanny Sue."
     
    I missed going out with my man friend this week but as he has leukemia and a low auto immune system he doesn't need to have anyone germy go out with him. I was sad about it but there is next week and hopefully more weeks after that. I have got used to our excursions now, it is good to have company, someone to talk to, someone who enjoys doing some of the things I like to do. It doesn't have to be anything exciting I am happy with a cup of coffee followed by a walk along the Lake, a trip to a local Art Gallery with free entry for seniors or just lunch out and a walk. I have always liked simple pleasures and at my age don't want to have to go to a lot of trouble dressing up to go out. My how I've changed over the years...lol.
     
    Next week I am going to my daughter's to go to my grand daughter's concert. It sounds like a big deal as they have been rehearsing for two weeks now. I missed so many of their school events while they lived away so it is nice now to be invited to join them. I do take whatever opportunities I can now to be with family and use the phone as well as the computer to keep in touch. Sadly I never hear from any of Ray's family with the exception of my Wilkinson sister-in-law as we phone alternate months so I do get some news from her. I do wonder why I was their sister-in-law for 44 years but now I am no longer a member of that family. Seems as if with Ray's death so much changed.
     
    Life has it's ups and downs but on the whole it is good. I think because of what I have been through my expectations are low and as long as at the end of each day I can see that I have achieved something, done something interesting or met someone I know and like that is enough to make me satisfied with the day. I have friends who are constantly on the move, cruising, travelling to exotic places, seeing the sights of so many cities in remote areas of the planet and I no longer envy them the packing and unpacking, the strange hotels, the food they cannot eat and the tummy viruses they come home with. I think I have at last reached the conclusion that home is not such a bad place after all.
  14. swilkinson
    I have just got past another difficult milepost, Ray's birthday. Funny how now I am a widow all of those special days cause me to be teary and mindful once again of our loss. I know it is almost four years since Ray died now but in some ways it still seems as if it is recent. There is some healing in time, it is much less painful to recall his passing now but still I miss him. I miss the person I was married to for 44 years, I miss the young man he was when we were courting, the middle aged man I worked alongside and raised our children with, the older man who had the strokes and needed me. Yes, even the hard parts of caregiving seem precious now I look back on them. We were a couple for so long, Mum and Dad or good old Sue and Ray to family and friends and we were co-workers and colleagues to many. For 44 years we were husband and wife through good times and hard times. My memories are full of never to be forgotten moments Ray and I shared.
     
    I just had a week out west with my son Trevor, I went out this time to spend Father's Day with him and his little daughter Alice. First he came the coast and spent a few days with me, it was his first trip back to the coast for a couple of years. After he had done a few small jobs for me he went through the cupboards in "his" room and found some of the things he had wanted to take back with him including a big box of Lego and packed it all into the car. He always collected the family Lego together and made sure every piece was kept. His daughter Alice is four now so the Duplo big blocks can be put away and the "real" Lego taken out again. He also sorted through my kitchenware for a few non-technical tools like those old hand wound egg beaters. He lives in a small house since his separation and divorce and takes good care of it. He is a good cook so also took some of the cook books.
     
    Thursday the 1st off we went on the 13 1/2 hours drive back to where he lives. The daylight driving was good but after it was dark the number of goats by the side of the roads, running across the road etc was pretty scary. There has been a lot of rain and there is a lot of long grass alongside the bitumen so I guess it is like a smorgasbord to them. Lots of groups with kids at foot too and although they are a pest I would hate to kill one. Trevor is used to western driving so was not fazed by it all but I had a few moments when I was sure we would collide with one but all was well and we reached Broken Hill safely. I flew home on Wednesday morning arriving too late to go onto chat due to some delays.
     
    It was beautiful out in big sky country, still very cold (close on freezing) at night but I piled the blankets on in my little caravan and that helped me keep warm. And the days were lovely. The temperatures might not reflect it but the sun always seems warmer out there and it was wonderful sitting out at night under the stars while he BBQed. It is one of the things I miss from my old life, Ray was a great BBQ cook and BBQs were a regular part of our life up till 1999. It was the way we celebrated birthdays, special events, family gatherings. Being a country with a long summer gas BBQs are a feature of every back yard and in summer the smell of BBQing is the scent of the night. Trevor cooks chicken wings with garlic and cumin and it is a great sensation tearing them apart and eating them out under the stars with baked potatoes and sweet potatoes and a few other foil wrapped veggie combinations which are baked in the coals.
     
    The weekend with Alice was marred by her cold but we still had a lot of fun with her, she can be pretty lively. I feel some empathy with people who don't see their grandchildren regularly as that was me for a few years and now I make the effort to see them as much as I can. Life is too short to worry about how often to do things like visiting, if you can manage it and can afford it, just do it. I should apply that motto to all the people I have promised to visit and still haven't I suppose but like everyone else I find time just slips away and half the time I have done nothing of major importance just gone on with the routine of life. Like today I did the Friday Coffee Morning at Church, chatted to some of the ladies in our charity outlet ( we call them Op Shops) and then after lunch did some gardening, the weeds having grown exponentially while I was away, and there is another day gone.
     
    I always take time out to meditate while Trevor works, there is reading also to fill in the time, and he and I sometimes do some walking and also take Alice to the park while she is there. I notice it is the little things she gets most joy out of, like walking along the laneway to where the woman who works for WIRES ( a wildlife preservation group) provides a home to all injured Shingle Back Lizards that are rescued from the local highways. This week there were 23 of them in the enclosure, Trevor estimated 18 but without being able to count Alice said 23 and she was right. They are cared for and released after three months. They love to walk slowly across the roads and unfortunately drivers either do not see them or just don't slow down for them to cross so many get injured.
     
    Being in a different place and having time to think about life does allow me to look at life in a different way. The simpler life is the better it is I think now. I still need to let go of a lot of my past activities to make my life simpler. I have loved belonging to so many groups over the years and hate to let some of them go but in order to have time for myself that has to happen now. I will be 70 next year and honestly the years do take their toll and I do not have that long term energy I used to have and an afternoon Nanna nap is occasionally the solution. So if I appear here less frequently it is not because I no longer love you all or care about your welfare it is because other things are happening in my life that need my attention, including visiting family and friends.
     
    Spring is here and like the birds I have a nest to rebuild and refurbish. I also still need time to declutter. Wish me luck as I make a few changes in my life. I am stepping down as a Chat Host from the end of this month. I will never forget what this site has done for me and the wonderful people I have met that have had a real impact on my life. I will continue on as Blog Moderator and remain a part of this great community. So it is not farewell it is just see you soon.
  15. swilkinson
    I spent all morning watching the Closing Ceremony of the Rio Olympics. I didn't watch the Olympics as much this time as I have in the past as I think like so many I got disillusioned by the scandals and the drug cheats. I always had such an admiration for those who won a medal, I sat up late watching those Olympic sports in which people made a huge effort to train themselves and I of course wanted our Aussie team to be the best. I was unaware until the past few years of the amount of cheating by using drugs in sport until it became big news. From then on I guess I questioned who did win by cheating and who won through honest effort. And that took the gloss of the Games.
     
    I've always seen the battle back from stroke as being like an Olympic sport, the trainers are the therapists, the supporters are the family members who act as a cheer squad and the athletes are the survivors, striving to get back to their old normal or creating a new normal, Like the training required to be an elite athlete it is a matter of many years of training not just a few days before it happens and that being a journey full of frustrations and problems. Reading the posts and blogs on here you realise that it takes a lot of will power to get better and some people do not have that, their will to recover is just not there after the stroke. This can be frustrating for themselves and their family but we can all strive for a personal best in some aspect of our lives.
     
    I have always loved the story of those who contestants who come from countries without suitable sporting facilities, who battle from a poor childhood with little encouragement to being an Olympian, not maybe a medal contender but the best their country has produced in their given race. It is delightful to see that it is not just who has the most money spent on them who wins but there are a lot of other factors too. Of course good training does make a huge difference and you can see that in the contestants who come from the richer countries so it is not quite a level playing field and that is a pity. So I don't look at the medal tally but look at the effort it has taken the contestants to get there.
     
    I think that is my attitude to life too. From an early age I was taught to be a helper and that some things we do do make a difference in the lives of others. My Dad would mow lawns for the neighbourhood seniors, all they had to do was pay for the mower fuel, my Mum would go to their homes and cut their hair. My Mum would get me to run errands for old ladies. She would say: "You have young legs" and that was enough reason in her eyes. I still run errands for old ladies...though I am approaching the "old lady age" myself. I still have good legs, not legs of beauty but ones that are useful. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or I hope so. We can all help others in some way despite our limitations.
     
    One of my mentors when I was young was a very intelligent lady who had polio in her forties, which meant she left her good job in Sydney and moved in to live with her brother who had a small Used Car business close to his house. Some Saturdays I went down to be her legs while her brother drove cars back from dealers in Sydney. All I had to do was make her cups of tea and a sandwich for her lunch, in exchange she introduced me to good literature and poetry and discussed current affairs with me as if I were an adult. I gained much more than she did from those afternoons and i am grateful for that. As I watched her drag herself around on crutches with her iron legs braces I knew I was watching an act of bravery. I think that gave me more understanding when Ray had the strokes and had difficulty walking.
     
    Today it is overcast and gloomy and rain is predicted. I often try to have Mondays off as I have busy weekends now. It is a day when I like to catch up on jobs around the house. I did go out to do some gardening but there is a bitter wind blowing so I guess there has been snow down south. That is why I gave myself a break and watched the Closing Ceremony with a clear conscience, nothing much else I could do. Except there is the cleaning and the ironing etc but I am blinkered and cannot see those jobs waiting to be done...lol. And that is life as a retired widow, do it, don't do it, my choice.
     
    I hope you all enjoyed the break from bad news and watched your favorite sports in the Olympics, there were four TV stations covering it this year for me so lots of choices for what I wanted to watch. I might just boast modestly about the Women's Sevens winning their first football gold medal. Swimmers come and go but the women footballers who won that gold will boost women's sports for years to come. And we need that as men's sports are sponsored at a much higher rate than women's sports are here. And we do need girls to play sports, to keep themselves fit and disciplined.
     
    And so I was glad it was gloomy here but glorious in Rio as I had a good reason to watch the pick of the youth of the world who engaged in the Olympics having fun together as they said their farewells. Bravo.
  16. swilkinson

    So lucky

    By swilkinson,

    Only one more month of winter. I can feel Spring is on the way when the sun shines like it did today and I am able to get out more. Love those days. In winter we are not locked in like you are in the colder parts of the northern hemisphere but the short grey sky days inhibit the actions I would like to take. The garden is dormant, the possums just ate off half the remaining baby spinach, the wind dries the tenderer garden plants out and until the temps rise the plants will just look as if they have stopped caring about growth. A week of warmer weather, say at the end of August will make all the difference.
     
    At the moment things are at a standstill as far as plans for the future go. I know one day I will be able to tick another item off my bucket list. It only really exists in my mind and it is like one of those lists that self-adjusts so item number one today may be item number three tomorrow. I am aware of the passing of time (getting older) and that I should do something about some of the items. I have several older friends who want me to visit and I would love to do so but I don't have the time, or so I tell myself. I have built a routine for myself and somehow I feel that diverting from that might cause an upset. ( I do remember that a rut is the same as a grave, only the depth varies.)
     
    On another site I offered some advice and it has led to a discussion about what we want out of life. Particularly life as a widow. I thought I knew what I wanted and you might have gleaned that answer from reading many of my blogs. I basically wanted that the life I should have led after my retirement was still a possibility. Well I realise now that it is not. What Ray and I would have done in OUR retirement is just not possible for me alone now.
     
    Ambivalence has always been my middle name and so I vacillate between liking my new freedom and hating being alone. I have been seeking a companion. I loved my Ray, with my whole heart, I still do, but he is gone and now I am alone and I admit lonely as well. I think because for those last few years I had to be with him twenty four hours a day he filled my life, not in the way a working husband or a husband that had his own pursuits would but totally filled my life. We were “joined at the hip”. He was 24 hour care so I was his 24 hour caregiver.
     
    For this reason his passing made a huge hole in my life even after twelve months in a nursing home. After all I visited him most days and on his bad days toward the end of his life multiple times a day as the nursing home staff could not manage to get him out of the seizures so I would go back and help them. Looking back this seems like an exercise in lunacy but it made sense at the time. Too many seizures can cause further brain damage and a much slowed metabolism can do some harm. Doctors say fits and seizures do not necessarily cause brain damage but Ray had long periods of being only semi-responsive and that would indicate to me maybe low oxygen levels as often using oxygen on him brought back. But that is all in the past.
     
    I now have a man friend I go out with on Wednesdays after doing Caregiver Chat with Host Sally. We usually we go out for lunch and then a drive somewhere or go for a walk. Today we went out to one of my favourite places, the one I have been to several times with my Caregiver friends from my old Stroke Recovery group. I used to go out with that group every couple of months but haven't been lately as they now go out on Sundays and I am busy with church then.
     
    It is a rambling hotel single storey and there is an indoor/outdoor area where we sat and had barramundi (fish) with mash and green veg, cooked just the way I like it. It was a lovely Spring-like day today and all the doors were open and in trooped the ducks! Lynn suggested that I capture one or two and pop them in my handbag and I could cook Duck a l'Orange when I got home. He does have a good sense of humour and that is one of the things I like about him. We are keeping things on a friendship basis which suits me as I have no wish to complicate my life at this stage.
     
    We went from the restaurant in the pub to our local Art Gallery, about fifteen minutes drive away. Lynn is interested in art and so am I as my Mum painted and so do several of my friends. There is always something of interest to see there and today there was a "Retrospective" with a lady who is 79 exhibiting works she has painted from the age of 17 till now. The Gallery adjoins the Japanese Gardens and we spent some time there enjoying sitting in the sun and watching the koi carp in the pond and seeing the first early buddings of Spring there.
     
    I talked to two of my grandchildren tonight and just got off the phone when my son in Broken Hill rang me. Like most people I do not hear from them for a while and then seem to hear from them all at once. I am glad it happens this way. At the moment I can be free and independent and mostly able to look after myself but one day as I age I know that will not be so and so it is good they keep in contact on a semi regular basis. I know I am so lucky in so many ways.
  17. swilkinson
    The south wind has blown snow onto our Snowy Mountains and so taking a trip to the ski fields is now possible or so one of Ray's sister-in-laws told me, a reason we cannot meet up for coffee for a while. I still hear from another SIL and two of his cousins. I have tried to keep in touch with Ray's family, I was always the one keeping them updated with what was happening to him anyway, even if the Christmas cards were signed “Love from Ray and Sue” it was always me that wrote them and posted them, and they all knew that. Or perhaps i expected them to think more about it than they did?
     
    But since Ray died it is as if we have nothing in common, the other family members and I and yet I was their SIL for 44 years. Strange how quickly they forgot how grateful they were that I looked after Ray as an invalid for all those years. I thought we would go on being family but alas that was not to be. I do regret missing out on seeing their children grow up and get married, have their first child etc. None of them have made me a friend on Facebook so I don't even get to see photos posted there.
     
    Family was really important to Ray and I had hoped it was to his family too. We both said before we got married that we would try to spend an equal amount of time with each family so no-one felt left out and that is what we did. But it seems like once Ray died all those relationships died with him. How very sad. I guess initially it is not knowing what to say that kept people from contacting me and then it was embarrassment about how long it had been since we were in contact and then it would be “Sue who?” and then it seemed like the relationship was over. I have made attempts to contact them all but usually there is just an awkward conversation and I don't hear from them unless I make the effort.
     
    I went to a funeral yesterday and another one today, life is like that as a pastoral care worker for the church, sometimes deaths seem to all come at once, well it is winter. The funerals were very different one at a Crematorium and one at our Church. The ladies were both Christians, one I hadn't seen for a while although I had been friends with her years ago and today's funeral was a lady I visited in a local hostel/nursing home for the past five years. I try to go to the funeral as my last “visit”.
     
    The first lady was single but one of a family of five girls and representatives from all the families were there. There were only three people from outside the family plus three representatives from the nursing home and the family were very welcoming, thanked us for coming and really made us feel a part of the service and afterwards the afternoon tea at the little cafe in the grounds. Today the funeral was in our church with the afternoon tea in the hall with some family members and a lot of War Widows and other friends from various organizations she belonged to there. The family didn't mingle much with the other guests and at the end of the afternoon tea I had only been introduced to three of the family members. Strange how different families can be.
     
    One of the things I have found as a widow is that I have time to listen to people now. When I was caring for Ray I never had time, I would phone someone and if the phone call took more than twenty minutes I would try to wind it up and go on to the next task. Now I can spend more time with people both on the phone and in personal encounters. I have time now to listen to their stories and find out about their problems but also their hopes and dreams. We all have hopes and dreams but it is easier to talk about the tough stuff in a way. Explaining our dreams to someone can make us feel vulnerable.
     
    I put dreams aside while I was a caregiver. Being a caregiver required so much of my energy each day that to have dreams for the future seemed to be indulgent. Then I had three years of just plain getting over the exhaustion, getting some semblance of life back together. Now as I approach four years since Ray's passing I can see a few things I can do, not big things but things that will enable me to feel happier. In the end it is not the big things that count really is it? This summer's plan is to tackle the garden up the back, maybe plant some shrubs and screen off the mess the neighbour behind's garden looks from here.
     
    I am just realising that I can change some things about my life now. I have always had an excuse for not ticking things off my bucket list, things like getting some new hobbies. Sure I can go on just as I am but we all need to have new horizons to explore physically and mentally. It is something I need to do for myself, I can ask for advice but I can't give the responsibility of decision making to someone else. As a widow life is a do-it-yourself affair.
  18. swilkinson

    Glad to be alive

    By swilkinson,

    Some days I am glad to be alive, to see the sun, feel the breeze, talk, laugh, sing, other days I take it all for granted. I am aware that I am slowing down. I turned the alarm clock off at 7.15am this morning and turned back to look at the clock and it was 8am, I had just daydreamed 45 minutes away! Of course it is winter and much harder to get out from under the covers but back in the last decade I was always up at 6am, summer, winter, autumn and spring. With someone to look after there was not really an option. But now I can get up later, no-one to look after but myself so I guess it is my time to take my ease now.
     
    I have to plan things into my week. There were a couple of people I have ministered to who died this week already, well it is winter. Those funerals will be next week, one on Monday, one on Tuesday. So that means not taking Friday afternoon off but using the afternoon to do the nursing home visits I would have done next week. The problem with any volunteer job is that it is a commitment and so although you don't have to clock on and off as you do with a job and really no-one is going to have you on the carpet if you don't do it. I just know I need to keep up the visits. I know the old folk I visit look forward to me coming, to supplement the visits they have (or do not have) from their families.
     
    I do get some leisure time, I make sure of that. If I fill my life up too much I get tired and have those sudden mood shifts and do feel out-of-sorts and headachy and all the signs that my body is saying "slow down". At my age that is natural. I do feel good though after a day when I have had some exercise, done something I enjoy like being out in the garden for a while, having coffee with a friend or chatting to someone on the phone. There are plenty of ways for me to be good to myself now and most of them cost very little money. I still enjoy being on here, reading the blogs and posts and seeing how my friends are doing on Facebook.
     
    I am glad that I live in a place where I can still sit on the verandah and enjoy the view with birds singing and dogs barking and trees swaying in the breeze. Of course in winter those days are rarer and I have not been walking on the beach this month as it has been a colder winter but I am sure in six weeks or so that can be resumed so I do get to enjoy the scenery on my little bit of the coast and enjoy the water in the ocean and the lakes close by. I love Spring with all the birds nesting and the ducklings and water bird babies to enjoy when I can go for a walk along the lake edge. I really am blessed to live here.
     
    Life is busy. I stopped and got out of my car at the shopping centre today and the lady in the next car parking space go out and told me about her grandchildren, her ungrateful daughter-in-law and a lot about her life in a ten minute conversation. I must have "good listener" written on my forehead because I am never short of someone to talk to when I am out....lol. A group of older men who meet daily at the Food Court now welcome me as I go past so they are always ready for a chat. Most are widowers in their eighties. I don't often have time to sit with them but occasionally I do. I know from experience what loneliness is like.
     
    I am looking forward to going out to Broken Hill again at the end of next month, winter seems longer without some time away and I have not felt like making plans to travel alone. Maybe as time goes by I will find a travelling companion. My present man friend can't go far due to medical problems, he is a nice man to talk to but maybe I need some women friends to travel with and go places with. Will see what the future brings. No rush, plenty of time to see how life unravels.
     
    Finding things to do to keep busy keeps me busy. I did have a day of sorting through drawers and cupboards but that was just to gather some of my craft materials together, you could hardly call it decluttering . But before winter is over I intend to do more of that. Praying for sunshine for me to enjoy and some time to sit in a sheltered spot out of the wind to enjoy just being in a good place. Add a cup of coffee and a good book and it will be a place close to Heaven.
  19. swilkinson

    Moving forward

    By swilkinson,

    It's taken me years to get comfortable being on my own. A caregiver of a person who has many deficits and many needs becomes joined at the hip to the one he or she cares for. I think that is what makes it so difficult to recover from that separation and death, not only the sense of loss and the love you bore them but also the joined at the hip factor. I loved Ray and we were together for 44 years, allowing for the year he spent in the nursing home and the last decade of our marriage we spent so much time together that to lose him was like losing half of myself.
     
    I cared for him, in a limited way from 1990 when he had the first stroke and six months off work, when the main issue was massive fatigue and some minor deficits. We were both able to work up until 1999 when he had the the two major strokes and I stepped up to the plate to care for him. That became, probably by late 2008, total care. Admittedly in the end I had some help but as a friend of mine says: “If you have an hour a day with assistance that is 23 hours a day when you manage alone.” A lot of caregivers here will relate to that.
     
    I don't regret any of that now, in fact I wish I could have done more, but the emotional as well as the physical side gets to you when you are a caregiver. You want to give more but looking after a person on your own is draining, and the multiple deficits when they include incontinence as well as dementia really weigh you down. No excuses, I did what I was able to do.
     
    The time Ray spent in the nursing home was a real trial as I watched him deteriorate but there was an upside to that, the support of those family members who came in to see their spouse or parent or other relative, we all suffered in the same way and that brought us together and I still have a handful of people I met in that year as friends. I found a lot of fun and happiness through all of this too, you should try playing Bingo with dementia patients!. Happiness is where you find it and fun is in seeing the silly side of life, I have always been able to do that.
     
    To deliberately pursue happiness has been the goal for me this year. I took as the word for the year JOY and I have endeavoured to find joy in a lot of different ways. The years going by do dilute your sorrow and it does become possible at last to go on with life with some form of acceptance. And slowly I have gathered new friends, people who see me as I am today, a bit older and wiser than some of those who have returned as friends remember me I guess. The years do take a toll. But I can see the world around me and find something to enjoy, something to laugh about, something to make my present life worthwhile.
     
    Finding the site Widowed Village has made a difference too as I have my widow blog there. As I do here I comment in their forums and in the groups I belong to. Like here that provides me with a release, I don't have to tell my problems to people who don't understand when there are people who know what it is like to go through being a widow, particularly after being a long term caregiver. And I know people on here read my blog still as a guide to what may or may not be ahead of them, for in every partnership one person has to die first so we'll all have a 50/50 chance of being the remaining spouse.
     
    People ask me if I am moving on and I tell them no, I am moving forward. We all have to change throughout our lives, not only because of trauma but stroke for the caregiver as well as the stroke survivor is a life changing event and therefor in a way we all have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) to overcome as well as the other side effects or problems that come into our lives with the strokes. I have been so grateful for the support I have got here and in my life. A lot of people don't understand and that is stressful for us, but a few do and offered me support and that has lightened the load.
     
    This might sound like a farewell blog and I know some day I will leave this site and go and do other things but at the moment I am still in pay back mode and still enjoy the chats and doing the Blog Moderator job. So this blog is just about where I am now, not every day but more of the days I can find joy in my life. I hope you all find the same.
  20. swilkinson
    I just wrote the Blog report for the week ending 3rd June. In writing the report I reread each blog written in the period, look at the comments and register the points made in the blog. I want to just give the readers of the report an idea of what the blogs are each about so they can read them if they have not already done so. I have been the Blog Moderator for some years and have read some remarkable blogs in that time. Some were superbly written, expressive in character and wonderful to read. Others were less well expressed but had ideas in them that were life changing.
     
    I find that with those many little blogs that Jay (Jayallen) writes that he often expresses thoughts I hear resonating in my own life. Tonight I read the line: " As I have my coffee and enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face I can't help but be overjoyed with the blessing of my survival" and that brought thoughts of my own survival from being a wife and mother to being a grandmother who is also a caregiver firstly for my husband Ray then adding my mother and father (briefly) to my household and then supervising my mother two years later when she moved into care and then visiting her there for twelve years. I am now surviving as a widow with all that life throws at me.
     
    I am not saying I compare life as a caregiver to life as a stroke survivor, it is like comparing apples and oranges but they both have survival aspects. I have known potential caregivers, wives, partners, husband and children who go at the first sign they will have to be responsible as adults tending a loved one who has had a stroke. Being a caregiver is not in everyone's blood. But with the support we can all provide here it can be done if you love that person. Love is all to me, not that erotic love, not that emotional love but the intentional love that wants the best outcome for the loved one. Not everyone can be looked after at home so some like me with my mother may have to oversee the loved one who is now living in a nursing home or care facility. It may not be as hard physically but it is as hard emotionally, believe me.
     
    How have I survived? I have my faith and my church, I have my family and friends, those who stayed through the ups and downs and those I made on this part of the journey. I now have friends who only know me as I am now, they may be supportive in the future but for now they are untested by the events of my life, knowing Ray and my parents only in as much as they have heard me talk about them. They really make a difference in my life as they are Sue's friends, some I have introduced to my children but not all, the occasion has not yet arisen. They are not family friends. I still have some of those too, including some of Ray's cousins who ring me occasionally to see how I am. Of course there are many who have not contacted since the funeral, sadly they were not MY friends it seems.
     
    I have also survived because of the support I have received from often surprising sources, people I have not seen for years who re-appeared in my life. It has been good to see my life through their eyes. Old school friends have retired to the Central Coast and I have seen them in the local area, a couple of people who had sons and daughters who went to school with my children, lovely to be able to message my kids and say "XXX asked after you, they have...kids and would like to see you when you next visit." I love the fact that with 30 000 people living on our coastal strip it is still possible to bump into people I know.
     
    I have survived because of you all here and in the other support groups I still belong to, with the kind wishes all all those well wishers, those who contact me through email, Facebook, on the phone or by leaving messages with other friends. To me support is very important. I need to know others are thinking of me, that I am not forgotten. I am alone so much of the time that brooding on that aloneness would be frightening so the fact that I can contact others in so many ways is reassuring. I have neighbours too that call out to me and just the sound of a voice saying "hello, how are you? " is often enough to brighten my day.
     
    To quote Jay again "There are times when I hit a barrier and frustration seeps into my head." Me too Jay. There are still "poor me" moments. moments when I miss Ray so much, I long for company, I wonder if my children have forgotten me, I wonder if the life I am living now is worthwhile and what would have happened if Ray had not had that first stroke etc. There are always going to be regrets and resentments in my life and like Jay I often just have to sit and count my blessings and be thankful I am here to see another sunny day. In each and every day there is plenty to be thankful for. Thanks Jay for the reminder.
     
    And so to the title of this blog. "You seem happy today." was one of the cheerful remarks by one of the purchasers of the sausage sandwiches I sold as part of the Lions Club of Killarney- Bateau's day to do the BBQ at Bunnings ( a big hardware chain) at Tuggerah. I love doing the BBQ in the morning as I get to say "hello" to the customers, share a joke or a snippet of conversation, as well as join in the happy chat of my co-workers. It's only once a month but I enjoy it every time, wet and windy or fine and sunny, it doesn't seem to matter, we all join in the happiness of the day. And that is something else to be thankful for.
  21. swilkinson
    I haven't written a blog for a while as really my life just goes on from day to day. I have settled into a routine three years and nine months out from becoming a widow and my life more or less follows a pattern. The days can be soothing or dull depending on how I feel on the day.The winter days of course compound that as they are shorter and the evenings longer so in the evening it is watching TV, doing some hand work, knitting, crocheting, beading, whatever I can lay my hands on that makes me feel useful. And most nights reading and coming onto the computer round the evening off. During the days I seem to fill in the time easily so I don't think about what I am missing out on being a widow as much as I used to do but it is still lonely for me being a widow. And I still miss Ray.
     
    I know for all of you northern hemisphere inhabitants you will laugh at my definition of cold : "time to find the heater" but that is what I did today. I invited a friend from church home to lunch and she was rubbing her hands together and going blue so I searched for and found the heater. After dusting it off it still smelled a bit of old dust but it was functional. I usually just rug up warm and walk around the house that way, with an open plan house that is the way to do it or you have to heat it all. Heating it all is not a good proposition with the price of electricity here. I'd rather be a little cold than cop the bill. Of course that could just be the Scottish ancestors urging me to "save the bawbees." I put on a coat to go out and that seems to be okay most of the time, add a scarf if the wind is blowing.
     
    Those of you on my Facebook page will know that it was my turn to run the church markets yesterday as the person who usually does so, Steve husband of our assistant minister, is also the president of our local Orchid Association and heading a big Orchid Show this weekend.. The Market went well but with three incidents that seem typical of the days I am in charge, Firstly a lady stall holder fainted, I only found out about it after she had recovered as the ladies from our Charity Shop called the "Op Shop" handled it all beautifully, putting a rug around her, getting her a drink and on finding out she had not had breakfast getting her a bacon and egg sandwich for which she was very grateful. That is love in action, see what you can do, do something practical.
     
    Towards the end of the Market a stallholder with a truck in place of his usual van tore the bell rope off the bell that hangs under our outside portico roof that shelters us from the summer sun. This was a problem as we ring the bell on Sundays but he and some of our menfolk found a ladder and devised a way of securing the bell so it could still be used today and he said he will come back and repair it one day next week as he needed to purchase a new shackle to complete the repair. That again is love in action, do something wrong, apologize, make things right again.
     
    The third problem was mine as when I opened the school gates that morning,as we use their parking area for our Market Day with their permission, the padlock had disintegrated in my hand. That is the story of my life, I have an awkward attitude towards metal objects. One of the church wardens assured me it was not my fault, said he knew how it worked and how to fix it and did spend some time trying. In the end he had to phone their security firm and tell them what had happened. That was good sense too, because when we feel we are operating beyond where our knowledge of a situation applies we need to reach out for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help if it will solve the problem more quickly.
     
    I think life has many insights to impart, no matter how old you get there is always something new to learn. As a part of my Market Report this morning I told the early congregation briefly what had happened and they laughed. It is good when that happens as those who laugh at us or with us are generally not going to censure us later (well I hope not anyway), And as overall despite it being windy and cold the day was a success I think it will soon be forgotten that it was not also perfect.
     
    There seems to be things happening around me now that can change our lives, we have had a lot of reports on Britain leaving the EU, that will affect us as we still think of ourselves as being part of the Commonwealth with the Queen of England as our titular head. We have Federal Elections coming up next Saturday and of course if there is a change of government as a result of the elections different parties in power mean changes to taxation, pensions etc. I know that can be a frightening prospect to older people. But as long as I remember all will be well I am fine. I have enough, I have had less and I have had more and always it has been enough. We all have ups and downs in our life and somehow we survive them. If it was not so I would not still be HERE.
  22. swilkinson
    Over the past few years I have found public holidays and long weekends difficult to cope with. I was out today (Monday) with three other ladies who belong to my Lions Club, the other female member could not come as she has succumbed to a throat infection. Three of us are single and otherwise would have spent today alone. This is the Queen's Birthday Long Weekend so in the past I have found it lonely, this time I packed it full of things to do and it all went well. I am getting better at holidays and special occasions now, I really plan them and that seems to work well. I think I am getting better at living as a single person. I do have some problems with loneliness and think I always will but I am handling it better now than I did maybe a year ago.
     
    That is the beauty of having a blog as an online journal, I can look back and see what I did and thought a year ago or two years ago, I can look back and notice the changes in me, and I see your wonderful support in all I do. Thank you Blog Community, your support means so much to me. The blogs are at a new low at the moment so I hope that just means people are busy enjoying the northern summer and do not have time to sit down and write a blog. I know for the survivors in particular writing a blog is a big task so I do really appreciate the effort people put into keeping us updated. It is such a pleasure to keep in touch, to know what people are going through, to feel as if I am a part of their lives. I do think of you all as friends in the cyberspace continuum.
     
    Over lunch last week I was discussing with another widow what happens when love comes along the second time. She has been married twice and widowed twice now, she has no intention of remarrying again in her 80s but says she has some wonderful memories from both marriages. She said she was widowed the first time aged 59 and at 61 it was an unexpected surprise when she met a wonderful man and married a year later. She says she would not have missed those years for anything as she and her second husband fulfilled their dreams of travelling and re-established a home open to all the family members from both sides. I have been a recipient of her hospitality so know that is so.
     
    I was much encouraged by this conversation, at almost ten years beyond that myself still there is hope of a second person might come into my life as a blessing. I have been meeting up with a man for coffee for two years, about once a month. We met through mutual friends when he had recently lost his partner. Just in the last couple of months we started to go out once a week instead. He is a nice man and about my age BUT he has leukemia. It is under control at present but he says he probably doesn't have much of a future so this is friendship not romance. Still it is nice to go somewhere once in a while with a companion rather than by myself.
     
    This slow building up of a relationship is a way that suits me. In my teens it was quite usual to go out with a friend's brother, someone you met at a dance ( that was the way I met Ray) or someone you worked with. Today it is not so easy to meet someone when you are an older widow so I think this slow getting-to-know-you method is much better. Some of the widows I know have been widowed for years and never even thought of another man coming into their lives but I am a friendly person so having a friend is better for me at this stage than having a full on relationship. I can do all of my voluntary work and still have some time left over for a coffee or lunch meet-up.
     
    As a widow I need reassurance and support, some of that I get from family and friends in real life, some I get from this site. I guess my friends get tired of that sometimes and wonder when I will be "over it" but I think in some ways I never will. The person I expected to spend the whole of my life with, the one who I said: "till death us do part" to, has gone. No-one knew me as well as Ray did, no-one supported me and was strong for me the way he was. That is why I support others, both on here and in my regular life, I have been there and done that. I know the widows I visit in the nursing homes were once loved and cherished by someone special but now that person is gone and with it all the love and affection and that there is no substitute for that love. I know, because I am experiencing that myself now.
     
    The rest of the family seems to be okay, their lives are busy and I am glad when they find time to reach out to me. They are all productive members of their communities and I am glad for that too. I am sad that Ray is not around to see them, to watch the grandchildren grow, to applaud their achievements and know them as I do. I am pleased they sometimes think of me and want to have me around, Trevor is particularly insistent that I visit regularly so that his daughter Alice knows me well and so that I can enjoy her early years and influence her life. I am meeting up with Steve's ex-wife this week for dinner, she is still the mother of my grandchildren and I still think of her as my daughter-in-law, i don't know if that is what she is as they are divorced now but not sure what you call someone after that.
     
    Winter may be here with it's short dark days but today was a good day and that is how I want to to be.
  23. swilkinson
    I just watched Mama Mia, watched the joy of youth, the fun of middle age and the insanity that sometimes comes over us. It was a wreck of a day today, high winds, heaps of rain, dull, miserable and awful weather for my 69th birthday but I enjoyed every minute of it. I had Shirley my daughter and her husband and kids here over night so we had breakfast, what my grandson calls "BIG Breakfast", bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomato, potatoes and baked beans, Christopher loves it and the others say "you shouldn't have" and eat it all up. We usually sit out on the verandah together after breakfast but because of the lashing rain stayed inside and played my gift "Just Dance 2016" on the Nintendo Wii and the grandkids, my daughter and I took turns with the two remotes and laughed at each others antics. It warmed us up and made us feel good.
     
    I had some phone calls from friends including one from the man I work most closely with at church who sang to me, despite the fact that he doesn't sing, he just did it because i asked him to and he thought it was a good idea. I don't usually have a lot of phone calls so that was a great gift. I have a new man in my life, well sort of, as it is early days yet and he rang twice this morning and this afternoon. He was at home as he has a house in one of the Lake suburbs, on the edge of the Lake Road and they are expecting flooding with a combination of on shore winds and high tides so he was staying home to keep an eye on the situation there.
     
    I have had a lot of birthdays in sad situations and it could have been the same this year only for the extra effort my daughter made to make it special. We went out to lunch and then on to the movies to see "Alice Through the Looking Glass". It was not really what I expected but even so I enjoyed it, a lot of action, a lot of Time jokes, a lot of tension but all at the level where it could be enjoyed by children as well as adults. I found it fascinating as it was somewhat the style of the Lewis Carroll original but a lot more Roald Dahl if you see what I mean. I have seen a lot of movies over the years with those two grandchildren and so we often recall those we have seen together. It is another way of bonding, to share experiences and I like that way of spending time with them.
     
    Do I think about Ray on my birthday still? Yes I do. I think of some of my birthdays during our 44 years of marriage, the ones spent alone with the kids while he was out on patrol with Fisheries, the ones where we could go out with friends or be with family. There was the 10 and a half years when we lived away from the Coast and the friends we celebrated with were new friends, There were the times when his parents were still alive when we celebrated with his side of the family. The memories do not fade, the sadness is not with me all the time but it is still there in the background. It is sad that he cannot be here, that at the end of the day the family go on home and I am alone again.
     
    But it has been a great week for me, I went out with my man on Monday, just a stroll around one of the local shopping centres and some lunch. I went out with a group of women on Tuesday,we are all late May early June birthdays and do this every couple of years. I had Wednesday morning at home and did my Strokenet hosting,but in the afternoon did some nursing home visits. I went into the local hospital on Thursday morning and visited a friend who is younger than me and has had a heart attack, scary really when I think he is so much fitter than me and yet this can happen. I had a church meeting in the afternoon to discuss the future of some of the groups i belong to. We are an ageing church and struggling to keep some of the programs operating well with the volunteers we have.
     
    I helped with the church Coffee morning in the morning on Friday and then had lunch out with some of the girls from the Craft group. My daughter and family came late Friday afternoon and we had dinner together and a long chat before bed. It was a lovely way to end a day. And then we had a wonderful day today. Good company, good food and some fun and laughter. From tomorrow I go on with normal life, normal routines again but at least I had this week as a great week. A week with a lot of happenings that would have been impossible in my caregiver days so I am grateful for that. I can live a normal life, in fact I am living a normal life. I am not "over it" but I am getting over it. i can be independent and I can manage alone but when I go out I can still have fun.
     
    And so to watching Mama Mia, with the rain still hammering on the roof, the wind still blowing and the temperature dropping. All those scenes of bright blue skies on a lovely Greek Island. It is a reminder that winter must be endured but summer will be here again, that there is joy in life in very unexpected ways, that there is hope in middle age and good things come to people who wait. And they come in unexpected forms. And there is a future for us all, a future based on what we dream but also what we plan. I am enthusiastic about some things in life and that helps to buoy me up when the going gets tough. And i enjoy the reminder of youth in movies, a youth that was filled with Abba songs and with dancing and laughing and being in love with life.
     
    As I embark on my 70th year I want to be happy, to have fun and to enjoy life, and when I don't I want to have the courage to go through whatever else my life has in store for me.
  24. swilkinson
    My children ring me up and say: "What did you do this week?" I go through the week in my mind. Monday I did, Tuesday I did, Wednesday I did etc. Of course it differs from week to week but certain elements happen through the month, Sunday Church and on the second Sunday of the month Messy Church in the afternoon. Monday mostly home as I do need a full day of housework, some time gardening etc. Monday night I do the Blog Report, I know it only takes a few minutes to read it but it takes well over an hour to write it as I summarise the blogs I have read through the week. Tuesday morning I go to a Coffee Morning at the Meeting Place (a centre for people from nearby community housing) and it is either Craft or some form of pastoral care in the afternoon, two Tuesday nights a month I go to Lions dinners. On Wednesday morning 10am I join others on Strokenet for Caregiver Chat that time being of course Tuesday night 8pm for the people on the east coast of the USA.
     
    I have done Strokenet Chat for over ten years now. I have had breaks in service like the overseas holidays, sometimes local holidays and a few days when for some reason or another I did not have access to the computer. I have seen a lot of people on Strokenet come and go, I have talked to a lot of caregivers and survivors as I did general chat for the first few years, then Caregiver Chat. I have had a couple of co-hosts, Sarah Rademacher who was Host Sarah and Sally Pepperman who was and still is Host Sally. I don't know how many different topics we have talked about, how many heart rendering stories we have heard, how many serious conversations we have had but I know we have laughed a lot too, and laughed and laughed. And used the sounds and the icons to illustrate our conversations. And drank imaginary tea and coffee and wine. And who doesn't love the sound of soda ice in summer?
     
    Almost all of the work I do as a caring person is focused on someone who needs help, mostly not physical aid and sometimes emotional help and many times just a listening ear. We provide a listening ear in chat. And we have certainly chatted on a wide range of subjects over the years. Sally and I have a joke that whatever topic we start with we always finish up talking about food, that has applied for many years and Debbie, Julie, Sarah and many others will attest to that fact. A recipe for happiness there is not but there surely is among the chatters a recipe for everything else. And of course wise advice. No we are not medical experts although we have had nurses like Debbie cast a professional eye over some of our medical problems but as a lot of the problems are about dealing with the frustrations of being a caregiver we are certainly experts on that.
     
    Thursday I like to be free but it is most often shopping, this week I did some pastoral care nursing home visits in the afternoon. Friday mornings now we do Coffee Morning in the church hall. Not many people so far but the ones who come do enjoy it and as an older person I like to support young Mums so enjoy them coming along. Saturday a variety of things happen including our Monthly Market at church on the fourth Saturday of the month (that's tomorrow) and then I am back to Sunday again. Each week holds a certain amount of enjoyment and a certain amount of frustration but that is life. It is all so different to my life as a busy caregiver to Ray and I do hark back to those days sometimes with a nostalgic longing to be there again but I need to move forward into an acceptance of the life I have now, the widow's life.
     
    One of the sad things about being a pastoral care worker is the ending, some of my patients and residents in nursing homes die. With them dies the contact to the family I have heard so much about as often I am an unknown church worker to them. One of the main reasons I go to so many funerals is to say "goodbye" to the deceased, that person I have laughed and cried with, whose smile I loved, whose pain I hated and whose company I enjoyed. Often I never meet a member of the family until then. I just happened to visit one of my ladies on a Saturday and did get to meet her son but that is rare. Mostly the family are the children on faded photographs, the young married couples, the smiling faces behind grandchildren. Some I will never meet as the funerals are not held locally but where the important person who makes decisions in that family lives.
     
    Mostly the request for a church visitor comes to the nursing home or to the church through a family member but no-one asks to meet the visitor or who she or he is. It is strange that I often am one of the main visitors to this Mum, Dad,Grandmother or Grandfather and yet their family will never know me. Some of the families I have been involved with more closely find it awkward afterwards if they meet me in the street. What to you say to the person who you have sworn eternal gratitude to for what they did for your parent? Yes, awkward situation indeed. I just want to ask if they are okay, if the aftermath of the funeral etc has affected them, if they are still together as a family fixing up the estate...but all of that is difficult in the early stages of grief to hear, so mostly I just say I hope they are coping okay? And they say yes they are and we smile and part company, which is a happier ending.
     
    Why do I do it then? Because I feel a commitment to making someone's life better because in doing so mine is better too, I think I help others to help myself in a way. And I have always loved people. I use my talents and my training to be with people, to support them and to benefit them in some way. I look at the nursing home visiting, the home visits and the encounters I have in that light. It is part of what I do in my week, every week. It is hard to explain that to my children. It is hard to explain to anyone who has not been a part of a support group or a self-help group as they have no idea of the benefit of offloading their troubles to someone who has been in a similar situation. The people on this site do. Which is why I still have a blog here.
  25. swilkinson

    back home again

    By swilkinson,

    I have been out to the desert country again, out to Broken Hill to support Trevor through another Family Court hearing. This one was the final one as even the judge was getting anxious for Trev and his ex to reach a compromise solution. It came out as expected with half a day increase over the fortnight for Alice's access time with Trev this year and three days a week next year, conditions altering again when she goes to school late January 2017. It is all so complicated and he has been pretty frustrated with the whole scenario but it is over for now. So I don't have to go out again until his birthday now.
     
    I enjoy my time out in Broken Hill, despite it being a "city" it is really an overgrown country town, the kind of town where you walk down the street and are sure to bump into someone you know. It is good to be somewhere where people smile at you and say "g'day". The vehicles they use are practical and dusty of course from all the off road driving and there is sometimes a dog or two tied in the back. It does take me back to the '60's when our area was still small farms instead of large subdivisions and houses everywhere where once there were parks and green spaces and playgrounds for kids. We all need to go out to the country and look at how the other half live, well probably only the other 10% but you know what I mean.
     
    There is always plenty to do at Trev's house, we probably go out less in winter with the shorter days but I went to all my favourite shops while Trev had other things to do. Drinking coffee outside a cafe provides a good opportunity to see how tourists react to being in a country town. Some of them are the "grey nomads", those going around Australia as Ray and I had some day hoped to be. I am still envious of those who get to do this wonderful trip. It is what I dreamed of every time he said "we will do that when we retire." too bad that the multiple strokes took all of that away from us.
     
    I went to the Lions Club meeting there and got a hug from a man I had never met, the brother of one of the Lions in our Club. He said any friend of his brother's was a friend of his. See what i mean about being friendly? I didn't waste all of my time sitting in the sun on Trev's front verandah, although it was very enjoyable, while I was out there I knitted a scarf for Alice. We had her for three days directly after the court case.The access days are full on as she is very busy person and we play a lot of games, do some craft, go to the park etc. I walk behind her while she rides her bike along the footpath and Trev actually jogs behind her as she is more confident now and so goes faster. Luckily so far she stops before the roads and waits for us to catch up, that is when I know I am growing older now.
     
    We also drove the 500 kms and back to visit my other son in Adelaide. I booked rooms for Trev and I in an old motel close by as he doesn't have room to put us up for the night although he has a bigger house now for the five of them. We enjoyed the visit with him, his partner and his three children and going out to dinner together was great. Trev and I left Adelaide the following day, setting off after visiting my ex-minister's family on our way. Pretty scary driving back once it got dark as there are hundreds of kangaroos close to the road and I was ever fearful that one of them would jump out and do damage to the car and then we would be stranded, but luckily that didn't happen. There were certainly a lot that had been killed by the long haul road transports etc and it seems such a pity in our wide land that this road attracts so many the green grass growing where the rain runs off it being the big attraction.
     
    The good thing about being away is that I have time to think, time to plan, time to work out some of the days ahead. I don't plan too far ahead, the strokes taught me not to do that, we all know that today is all that we have, but it is nice to have some things planned to make the future brighter. I have a few trips I would like to do now that I don't have to put time aside to go to Broken Hill for the court cases. And maybe I will now find the time to catch up on a few old friends on day trips too. The shorter winter days are a bit of a handicap for that but I will see what I can do. At least now I have some choices.
     
    And now I am back home and out and about doing what I do in the church and in the community.That keeps me out of mischief. it would be nice to have someone to do it with but maybe that will come one day.