swilkinson

Enjoy your happy place. Enjoy the new experiences. We will be here in good times and bad.

Another day when Host Sally and I talked to each other for the period of Caregiver Chat. We think maybe the time for that is over now as newbies don't see to come to caregiver chat and the "old gang" we used to have on as regulars just went on with their lives or dropped out of Strokenet. I know there are all sorts of reasons for that to happen, not blaming anyone just saying that is what seems to have happened. Sally and I get on well so it is not a problem to talk to her for an hour but I wonder if that is part of the changes that happen in life. I know for some Facebook chat is more convenient, I chat on Facebook myself. Anyway that is just what happened today, next week might be different. I have just had one of those weeks when I have questioned everything that I do. I know what I do I often do to fill in time but why? And what else should I be doing? I came out of 13 years of being a caregiver to Ray, 12 years at home, one year in a nursing home. I went on supervising Mum's care and then she died. I fell into a black hole for while and slowly, ever so slowly climbed back out again. Now I am 3 1/2 years as a widow and still I do the same things, look after others, fill in the gaps in pastoral care in the church and help out in the other organization I belong to. I often wonder if this is all there is to life. A lot of people tell me I am looking good, I am taking care of myself so that helps, eating well, exercising minimally, dancing is not an option with the heatwave we are currently experiencing. But I still wonder what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Is there a plan? What does a widow that is over the initial grieving stages do? I ask other people and they ask what do you want to do? My answer would not be acceptable. Ray always said when we retired we would travel.That is what I want to do now but I do not have a travelling companion, that died with Ray, he was my travelling companion. To travel was our retirement plan but of course that never happened. He retired early due to the strokes, and had a long recovery process. We still were able to do some holidays in the form of bus trips. Between the following strokes he recovered enough to travel in a limited fashion until in 2006 when I realised we were slower than the 80 year olds. I was still doing all the things I did for him at home to look after him so although it was a change of scenery and some new experiences it was not a holiday in terms of rest and relaxation for me. I feel as if I didn't retire until he died. Since then I have had some trips including back to England but it is not the same travelling alone. It is not what I expected my retirement to be like. And I feel cheated. So I am concentrating on embracing the changes as they come along. The Parish Council met today and of course changes are forecast. We will not do this, we will do that. Sue, will you help with ... The usual people being reshuffled like a deck of cards. It happens. Tuesday night's Board meeting before the Lions dinner was the same..what will we do to attract new members, should we do this or should we do that? Can we improve on how we do this? Is there any way of attracting some publicity that would be good so that people see what we do and want to join our Club And on and on and on. For some us in Australia summer can be a bit of a let down. Organisations stop what they are doing over the Christmas / New Year period and then slowly get back into gear again. The first meetings are slowly appearing on my calendar, and it is less than two weeks until school goes back. When school goes back there is still some summer left but life is busier again so going to the beach, on a picnic etc is less likely to happen. The good thing is that some of the social activities reappear on the calendar so I feel less disconnected from people. My retired friends of course are still sitting in their caravans at a beach resort somewhere but then I do not see most of them as a regular part of my life any more. That is another thing that changed with widowhood. But I still question what I should be doing. Well intentioned friends suggest that I should simply get used to travelling on my own. They say I need to get used to travelling by bus and train, on an occasional air flight, to all of those places on my bucket list, after all I am not getting any younger you know (wink). I do know that, my creaky knees tell me that. I do need to get out and about while I can. If I have no-one to travel with I do need to go by bus and train and plane, donkey and camel if need be to the places on my bucket list. But it is lonely. And because there is no-one to share the memories with the memories do fade away a lot faster. One of the pleasures of travel for me has always been saying "remember when?" And so I go forward one day at a time. I often think of that quote from John Lennon's song "Beautiful Boy" - "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." Or in my case no plans at all.

You may not come here often but at least you updated us again, thanks for that. It is great encouragement to the newbies and the lurkers who read the blogs to see people here who have survived for so long, are still working, are still enjoying life. You are a legend!!

Gorgeous photos Mitch, I have been to all those places, Western Australia is my goal for this year.

Fred, I thank God you are still here too.

Asha, thought provoking as usual. Leah I am with you on the widowhood changes.

Mitch, the garden sounds wonderful. I am glad things are turning around for your daughter, with family their pain is our pain.

Fantastic news...I hope it is the best year yet!

Bill it's good to see that you are happy with your little family. I'm pleased we are friends on Facebook as well as here. Congratulations and (((hugs))) Sue.

Good to see you blogging again Ruth, whatever name you use. I take my hat off to you for all the work you have put into William's rehab over the years, with working full time that is quite an achievement. The dogs being good for William must make the work maintaining them worthwhile. You are a remarkable woman. Sue.

Pam, I don't know what to comment sometimes when I read your bog. I just want you to know that I do read it and try to understand what is happening there. I want to say : "keep your spirits up" but wonder how that is possible sometimes with all you are going through.

Here's to you and you situation. Stay strong, choose to laugh rather than cry and remember it is your life so tell anyone wanting to tell you who they think you are to butt out and leave you to live it your way.

Now you can make some new choices based on the fact that you have an income. Look around you and see what is available to you that you can manage.

I just posted the blog report in which I encouraged you all to update so guess I had better do so too. I went out to my son in Broken Hill and spent two weeks there. It was hot but not humid, sunny apart from a couple of days of high cloud. There was sometimes a hot dusty wind blowing but all in all it was a great break away for me. I got to spend Christmas with Trevor and his small daughter Alice and then New Year's Eve too. Unfortunately we saw the New Year in in hospital as she had a virus which shot her temperature up and that can be dangerous in small children so we had her checked out. All was well by the end of the following day though. I love the semi-desert country, the bold reds of soil and hills, the low scrub, the distant glimpses of kangaroos and emus. I can see there is a problem with feral goats as I saw hundreds of them from my window on the train journey up there. It takes 14 hours by train from Sydney to Broken Hill but the countryside is interesting, changing as it does from the green coastal plains, to the mountains to the pastoral lands out to the semi-desert country. Australia is a wide land and we have every kind of scenery you can imagine. It is great to see so much of it on the one trip. I used my caravan as a bedroom most of the time and it was good to have that hidey-hole to escape to when Miss Alice threw one of her tantrums, she is three and a half, sleeps too little, eats and drinks too little and gets real tired so off she blew! Time for Granny Sue to tiptoe off and leave her to Daddy and a nice nap. Trevor had her six out of the 14 days I was here so we enjoyed a lot of good times and fun together. Those little ones are beguiling and she has Daddy and Granny Sue at her beck and call most of the time. It was good too to see her happy smiles, her attempts at humour, hear her stories and join in her laughter. Between her visits Trevor and I did some housework, had some chats, watched television, played games on his computer and took a couple of trips out of town. I loved the day in Silverton where the first two Mad Max movies were made. It is a small village, a lot of derelict buildings but still hanging in there. We had Gem Scones and coffee in one of the small stone houses that have been converted into cafes and galleries, saw some art work and collections of old glass, enjoyed chatting with some of the locals. Of course some live in Broken Hill and commute out there as no services are supplied in those almost ghost towns now and as you age health care is so important and school for the young families. There is School of the Air though so it is possible for some families to live therewith small children. Trevor works as a commercial cleaner and had little work over the Christmas New Year period so had a lot of time to spend with me so it was an ideal time to have a holiday there. The others, Shirley and Steven, rang over Christmas and sent messages so we didn't feel neglected. I had taken presents from my daughter out with me too so Alice had plenty under the tree. She is still into colouring and drawing, playing with blocks, using her imagination so fairly easy to entertain. It was good to be around her for those extra days as it has been only a couple of days during my visit previously and she hadn't really bonded with me until this visit. I came back to rain, rain and more rain. Low lying areas are flooding now and we are all singing "Rain, rain go away". Such a contrast, they need some rain so badly out at Broken Hill as the Lakes at Menindee, their main water supply are empty and the farm dams are low, here the rain pours down the gutters and eventually out to sea. Wish I was a rain dancer or I would have tried to dance them up a storm while I was out there. We did have ten minutes of rain the first week and about ten seconds of rain the second so the low cloud cover didn't produce what it seemed to promise and the country remains tinder dry. I came back to a sad situation, my dear old friend who I had been visiting in her assisted living apartment and then nursing home for many years had had a fall, broken her hip on Boxing Day (the day after Christmas) then died the day before I got home. The family wanted me to do her funeral, something I have not done for ten years so I have been busy preparing for that. It is at a crematorium so that will be a new experience for me too. I've attended a lot of funerals in the last ten years but doing one myself will be a bit scary. And being asked to do so by a family I have known since I was seventeen makes it very special. And so my friends it is life in all it's variations, some good, some not so good. As usual we here at Strokenet will share the ups and downs together. I went to the Lions dinner last night, it was an informal night so some had wives or partners with them and I still felt that tug on my heart when I saw them sitting with an arm around each other. That tug takes me back to thoughts of Ray again. You never get over losing the love of a lifetime. Just go on a day at a time and ENJOY (my new word for 2016) life as much as I am able.

Me too, sunshine lifts my spirits.

Colleen, sounds as if here has been some real progress. Just enjoy having your man home with you again.

Prayers coming your way Pam. The move sounds so good for you both, hope it happens soon.

Will be on holiday over Christmas. Back soon

Oh dear Pam, is this the final solution? I do so hope it works together to make you pain free.

Fred, I don't know what I can say to help you, I just pray for you, for strength and endurance as well as healing.

Pam, doing your own research helped you this time. Sounds like your doctor has some outdated ideas. Hope the new pain regime helps.