swilkinson

Asha, when I posted blogs about running here and there trying to find a solution to Ray's many medical problems you were the one who slowed me back down, taught me to go with the flow. I still use those lessons in my widow life and when i get anxious sometimes i think, "take it slow, go with the flow". I am sure many of your other readers have learned the same lesson from you and like me look to read your blogs to get those words of wisdom from them.

I just had a week without a landline and no internet access for a few days then some access to the internet courtesy of Brett my next neighbour. The phone lines went down last Friday and Brett came in on Monday and gave me access to his network , which was good as without the phone and the internet I would have gone quietly mad. After all reading and crocheting are okay for a few days but.....I still depend on the internet, and chat to many people both on Facebook and on Strokenet. Although not a lot of people come regularly to Caregiver Chat now even if there is only Sally and I we have a good interchange of ideas. We are good friends and compliment each other as co-hosts of Caregiver Chat, come and join us some time. I did reactivate an old mobile (cell) phone so I could ring people if I had to. I don't like carrying a mobile with me, I figure if people want me to do something for them they will ring my landline and leave a message. i've seen so many people hurry out of meetings etc just because they were given a domestic chore by SMS like picking up the milk on the way home. Seems like a waste of time and technology. And if people have a Smartphone and are playing games or checking their emails they may as well not have come to the meeting at all for all the contributing they do. (Just my gripes about mobile pones at meetings...lol). Everything seems to be much better now that Spring is really here. I did get sick of the cold days at the end of winter, maybe because it keeps me inside and I get people withdrawals. Now we are on Daylight Saving, the days seem warmer and longer and I am enjoying life more. I find time out in the garden pleasant, have more of a mind to declutter and have done a few cupboards out, and I'm now looking at cleaning windows and washing curtains. It is a job I take slowly as I know how prone I am to overdoing things. Torn muscles and stretched tendons do not go well together in someone my age so I have to be careful. Nothing much exciting in the near future but somehow that doesn't seem to matter when the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I had my two little grandsons from Adelaide over night on Wednesday night and then all day Thursday. It was fun as I got to go to the local parks and watch them play, I love watching them playing as they dash back to talk to me in between the swings and the climbing nets etc. Because i don't see them often we try and cram as much as we can into the one day. My grand daughter Tori and her mother went to Sydney to a Cat Cafe, a novelty ideal for people who can't keep cats as you can go upstairs and pat and pet the cats there. Tori is allergic to cats but loves them so armed with antihistamines she had a lovely day. I've decided to buy some new clothes for summer now that I have lost about 12 kgs (25 pounds) in the past twelve months and a lot of what I have hangs on me. At my age I don't want skin tight or clingy but it is good to look nice when you go out. Not that I have an exciting social life but with the pre-Christmas events coming up I want to be prepared. As my friends keep telling me: "who knows what might be just around the corner?". Usually it's a "Detour Ahead" sign in my life, but all those years of caregiving have made changes seem like normal so I tend to cope with whatever comes. Yes i am doing all the usual church visiting etc but with the longer days don't seem so rushed. For those who hate Daylight Saving I'll just say it is a boon to people like me. Sadly I have lost another of the people I visit, so sad but she was full of years and had led a rich life. It is one of the downsides of visiting that you lose the lovely people you have become good friends with. I have kept up my "Say NO" campaign and managed not to get any new jobs so far as our new minister settles in. But with a lot of new ideas due to be tried out in 2016 I can see church life changing again. No place stays the same forever does it? During the phone break I watched some old movies, I did enjoy "Peggy Sue Got Married." a little Kathleen Turner goes a long way. At my age school reunions are hilarious, beyond the age when we had to compete and out-boast one another. And you have to have a sense of humor if you are truly going to enjoy growing older. It is laughter that saves us from getting depressed at all of the changes happening to ourselves and those we love. Well folks, it is a boring life in some ways but a good life in others so I thought I'd update you on it anyway.

Mitch there is no easy way through all of this, like stroke recovery it is a process,almost twelve months out from No 2 son's separation (his wife walked out on him) and no real progress on access etc. so take a deep breath and just be there for your daughter and grandkids and help them to wait it all out. Will be adding your family to my prayer list.

When I had bad news with Ray I used to "feel" tears running down inside my rib cage like rain running down a window pane. I would never cry in front of him if i could help it. Now I am crying for you but praying for you too. Like Yvonne i hope there is a way others will step up to help you out in this situation.

It is sad that people are still ding in foreign wars but it has always been so. I pray for the lost, the wounded and the survivors, I am sure you do too.

Wonderful blog Scott, congratulations on all you have achieved so far on the stroke journey.

Ray and I lost a lot of friends because of his strokes but we found some too, especially here at Strokenet. So yes, every lost friendship group can result in gaining another group that understands you better.

There they are Fred, it is a lovely picture. I saved it to my pictures and then added it to your blog. Hope you are happy with the result.

Jay, it is good to see the positives in life through your eyes. Thanks for the reminder that goodness is rewarded.

It seems as if things are moving forward and maybe improving, it is hard to tell at this stage what the outcome will be for Ray. Get some rest and some renewal time while he is in rehab, that way you will be stronger when he comes home.

Mitch, been there with one of my sons whose wife walked out taking her son and his daughter with her! My other son was the one who walked. I think it is a generational thing this mad pursuit of personal happiness regardless of the unhappiness it causes others. Don't apologise we all need to rant sometimes. Sue.

I have had a lot of advice since becoming a widow. A lot of it is good and based on common sense and so I consider it. Good friends who know me well like to see me out and about, the sad thing is that they don't invite me to their homes or out to dinner with one exception. In the main the widow is still looked on as a potential trouble maker in a couple's marriage. But I attend enough groups so that I have social contact so that is not a major problem. And a couple of old friends who have come back into my life do take me out to dinner occasionally so that helps too. Just recently a friend from church told me I had to say: "NO" when I knew that what was being asked of me would turn out to be a burden and add to my sense of tiredness and frustration. So I began saying "NO". The strange thing is that the very people who had told me to slow down are the ones who find it hard to accept the "NO" answer. But...they say... surely that does not apply to us...we need your help..we need your expertise...we need you to do... (this and that). "NO" I say and they express their disappointment. Too bad, I have the right to choose what I will do and not do now. Spring makes me think of camping, picnics, swimming and in a certain part of my life, fishing. I need to plan some outdoors time. I need to set up my picnic set so it is light and easy to carry and holds enough for me to have morning tea and lunch out. I'm not sure about the camping, too dangerous I would think for me to be out alone at night but maybe fishing again. I don't have any good gear now so that would be an expense and do I want to do that alone? Swimming and picnicing seem to be the things that I can do alone and do without too much planning so they are probably doable. I still do not have anyone special in my life. It has been three years since Ray died but my friendships with men have not come to anything more serious. I am sad about that as I would like to have a new partner at some stage. Maybe I am too much of a mother figure to them? Who knows? Anyway I know a new relationship would complicate my life so maybe things are better the way they are. Just a handful of women friends I can have coffee or lunch with and no complications. A new relationship would alter life as I know it so maybe I am not ready for that yet? The caregiving years are tough ones and I did think I would be glad when they ended. I did not foresee the loneliness and the frustration of being on my own. I think I imagined that I would have a lot of family time and the friends I had lost would all come back and joyfully welcome me back into their group again. Well, none of that happened. In the intervening years people had moved, or simply moved on. Some of them had made new friends, taken new jobs, there are all kinds of reasons for the failure of our friendships. Some of course continued with me, maybe uncomfortable about Ray's illness, particularly the dementia but they kept in touch with an occasional phone call, Christmas cards etc. The church folk, my Lions Club and the people in the Apex40 Club have been great at keeping in touch too. The relationship with my kids and grandkids has changed with the two sons separated from their former wives, the elder Steve has just about finished the divorce now and has a new partner. He has custody of his three children and they all live a long way away from me. Trev is still battling with custody issues to get more access to his beloved daughter Alice. No-one wants that kind of thing happening in their family but it happens in many families and it is hard to take in, hard to take. I do want stability in my relationships, I want the people around me who knew and loved Ray. I want to share their memories and tell them mine. I need my family. So although I am making plans they are plans for me on my own. And I still miss Ray, I miss him every day, I miss him in a thousand ways. I sometimes cry at the unfairness of it all. I know we said "till death" but that should have come between 80 and 90 not a aged 70. We should have had those "golden years", maybe not as actively as we had planned but who is Sue if she is not part of the couple Sue'n'Ray? That I am still finding out.

I go out to Sunday lunch with some widow friends. Sunday used to be a hard day for me before I started doing that. keep on cooking , it brings pleasure to you as you do it and those who eat it too.

I always feel sad when summer ends. We have a mild winter so not because it gets cold but because the days shorten and there is not as much time to do the gardening etc once daylight saving is over. Enjoy what is still to come, the warm days, the fall colours and still some time to enjoy being outside rather than inside.

Nancy, we cared for our children but we did no teach them to be caregivers, that they have to learn for themselves. I have one child who cares but from a distance, one who really doesn't care and one who tries hard to care but occasionally misunderstands which is a good track record really. But he was 15 and living at home when his father first stroked and I did not try to hide the grittiness of life from him so he knew how hard it was. He is still my rock in my widowhood. I learned from my time with Lifeline (a Suicide Line) as a telephone counselor that not all problems have solutions, some just have to be endured. Therefore I didn't expect answers, rather I expected work-arounds and that seemed to make life easier in some ways. Just be true to yourself and do no harm to others and this too will pass.

That was quite an update. Sorry to hear of all the trials you have faced, I know how hard it is when their condition changes and somehow you have to accommodate that. The change in Ray's condition is scary. I hope that resolves too as a stomach tube means 24 hour care really and very little time off to the caregiver so hope that he can start eating on his own again before he is discharged. How unfortunate that you had the trouble with the car and the swap has turned out to be disadvantageous. Sometimes I used to feel that every time something good happened to me there was a price to pay for it. I hope it is all resolved soon. Sue.

I hate it wen a place i love to go to suddenly puts price up. I usually have the extra money in my handbag but still it gives me a jolt. Next time you will know and make the choice.

Had to get a winter outfit out to go out last night, I think it was colder than most of our winter nights. It is also raining again and a wind blowing from the south. Sometimes I wonder why we declare it Spring before October. Though with the climate changing so dramatically from year to year it is very hard to tell isn't it? Debbie, I love my adventures by phone and Skype with Alice, it is the highlight of my life right now. And in a way it is like I am right there with them which helps with the loneliness too.

I am through all the September anniversaries, Father's Day, Ray's birthday and the anniversary of his death. I know it is now three years but not sure that makes a lot of difference. I had some sleepless nights the week leading up to the 19th, don't even know why, sometimes the worries you have are so deeply buried that your conscious mind cannot even access them. I do try not to worry, I do some self-talking along the lines of "pretend it is just another day" and hope that will convince my memory that all is well, but somehow deep down I have the grieving process going again and I cannot sleep. But for now all is well and I am going on with my life as best I can. One of the things that lights up my life at the moment is the interaction I have with my littlest grand daughter Alice. My son Trevor has access to his daughter two days a week and on one and sometimes both days she rings me up and we have one of those delightful conversations you have with three year olds. Last week he took her to the local Show and about 9.45pm I got a call from them. In it she tried to tell me all that she did but of course she doesn't yet have the words for everything so he would say: "She is waving her arm round and round Mum, she had a ride on one of those rides where you sit in a teacup." After about 20 minutes of this we were all exhausted but it was so good to share the event with her even if she is 17 hours drive away from here. Alice is a girly girl but when she was asked what she wanted in the way of face painting she elected to be Spider Girl. The artist did a good job and Spider Girl she was. Trevor said he wasn't going to wash her face at that late hour so I have a delightful photo of her asleep with the face paint still in place. A bath the next day and she was clean again. She and Trevor enjoy their time together, he is building her a fairy garden with small windmills, lanterns, solar lights and a string of fairy lights so far. She loves it when the lights are glowing and she can see it all lit up. It really doesn't take a lot to please small children if they are brought up to use their imagination. Last Saturday was the third anniversary of Ray's passing. I went to a large church event about two hours drive north of here with a friend. I had forgotten how much singing in a large group of people who love to sing means to me. It is not something I do a lot of and it was so exhilarating. The friend I went with is an organist and at the last moment stepped in for the woman who was supposed to play. Seems the woman's husband had a stroke on Wednesday and was rushed to one of the bigger hospitals which has a good stroke team. Cate said to me "I was more than willing to help out, I know how she must feel as I have seen what you went through." We have to remember that people do see us and hear us and take in the knowledge of stroke that we share with them, and in doing so that makes a difference to how they react to others as well. It is raining and quite cold today. Winter temperatures all along the coast and gale force winds some places. Our area is still recovering from the hail storm last week. The hailstorm last Thursday devastated the villages both sides of where I live, we only got the edge of it thank goodness but still I was worried about it. I didn't do so well in the last hailstorm as the hail built up in the gutters and overflowed into the back room. This time the gutters overflowed but nothing came inside. An old friend had cleaned out my gutters and they carried off a lot of icy, slushy water. I had to go to a 98th birthday afternoon tea so I got in the car as soon as it seemed over. I went through Wamberal just after the hail stopped and it looked like the Snowy Mountains, hail piled deep on the sides of the road. I had to change lanes and of course got caught up in the pile of hail in the middle and fishtailed a bit but as there was nothing alongside of me and nothing behind me I came out of it and I was okay. I have been putting a lot of effort into my garden and the many plants I have in pots. I have a good friend who got me some poultry manure, a really practical gift, and so that is being added as a soil improver. So hoping for bigger and better tomatoes this year. I picked and ate my first bunch of spinach yesterday. A friend who lives in the area worst hit by the hail storm lost a lot of her vegetable garden but unfortunately my crop is designed for one person so not enough spinach to share with her as yet. Maybe in a week or so I will have enough to share. I seem to have enough flowers to take to my daughter's godmother when I visit her at the nursing home. She loves a little hand-picked bouquet. She always had a lovely garden and says that is something she really missed when she first went into care. Well, the storm is passing over again and I have just had to turn the light on so I had better get off this computer. I guess the weather is always very variable this time of the year but must say I am sorry for the tourists and their families who are in the camp grounds for holidays with the kids locally on the Spring break. I can imagine a young family, canvas flapping in the Spring wind and the rain pouring down and...well, thank goodness I am inside.

It is like you have to battle for everything you need, that applies in Australia too. I hope this splint give you relief, you need the walker so you need to be able to handle it safely and without pain.

Great you are coming to Australia. Hope all goes well with your demonstration too. You give people hope and that is so important. You will love Cairns too.

So sorry you are having a blue day.You have so many worries at the moment so that doesn't help. Hope you can find something to lift your spirits.Sit in the sun for a while if you can, that always helps me.

Fred, the puppies will keep uo busy for a while. I am glad you have a settled life and all is well. Your wife is a diamond fr sure. And having that little grand daughter around is a real bonus. You've got to count your blessings and i know you do. Sue.

Yes, good to know someone is there who can give it to you straight.

Jay, you spread the message wherever you go and that is good. Your volunteering certainly brings you into contact with some interesting people. Keep up the good work.