swilkinson

Glad to see you still haven't lost your sense of humor Jay.

Used to miss the bus on library days when I was a teenager, could just sit at the bus stop and let a few go by while I finished that first chapter. Glad you daughter gave you a lift to your appointment Jay.

George, you have still got your sense of humour and that will take you a long way towards happiness. Hope Lesley gets home safely and you make sure you make a big fuss of her. Four months courtship, you surely are a fast worker !!!

What is the saying? No hide no Christmas Box? Good for you Mitch, it is worth a try and at leas it may lead to an interesting correspondence.

I am glad life after stroke is now good for you. Having family close must be a bonus. Taking the 13 year old on vacation was a brave move so I am glad it turned out well. And seeing the two year old regularly is great as they change so quickly at that age. Enjoy your new life to the full.

A normal, intelligent, living in reality neurologist seems a fine thing to have, Ray's was the same, sane, friendly, able to explain complex things to us really well. May his warning about the numbness not be coming true any time soon but maybe numbness is better to live with than pain do you think?

My sympathies. I am on a lactose free diet and am allergic to palm oil so look at all the delicious foods everybody around me eats and wonder why I have to be the one on the restricted diet. I hope you can work on a new eating plan soon.

George, you may have to get a deeper coffee cup. I am glad Lesley is coming home, sad that her mother is still failing but we know with our elderly loved ones what will be will be.

Pam it is all so trial and error isn't it? You want a fix for your pain and instead they've given you a mood stabiliser. Seems all back to front to me. I hope yur problem with pain is resolved soon.

As one of the few widows still on this site I have a different path to tread to those who are still caregivers at the coal face. I have had all those years of caregiving my husband Ray but that ended nearly three years ago now. September is a hard month for me as it is Father's day the first Sunday in September in Australia, then Ray's birthday on the 8th, then the anniversary of his death on 19th. At three years I will not cry the river of tears I did in the first two years after his death but I will (and do) feel sad. And I guess I will every year when this time comes around. Life goes on for me a little faster as we go towards Spring which should get underway by the middle of the month. It is time to plant and so I have been repotting plants, filling the troughs with annuals and the deeper pots with seedlings so I will have lettuce and spinach and hopefully tomatoes for salads I have lots of parsley but some of the other herbs need replacing, hopefully the mint will come back soon. Usually you can't kill mint but six weeks without water seems to have done it. Brett is a good neighbour and puts my mail inside and picks up the papers but never seems to water the plants. It is this time of the year I miss being near my children, as third term ends there are a lot of events like Grandparents Day and school concerts, some fetes and Market Days. I miss out on all of these as my grandchildren are all so far away. A friend was telling me tonight that he is going to his grand daughters school for an egg and bacon roll which she has paid for herself. She said he is to help her celebrate "Grandfather's Day". Her Dad works and can't go but he will be her special guest. I get a bit teary when I hear stories like that as I know how much Ray would have loved that. No matter the distance we had to go to something like that we would have managed it somehow. Travelling alone is one of the things I am getting used to thanks to the two trips I have done to England since Ray died. Planning them has helped with that. I always feel I have some backing in England as I have the cousins but still have to look up bus and train times etc when I am on my own and that has helped to give me confidence. So I can fly without thinking about it and travelling on buses and trains is not a problem. Of course I do my research first and make sure the times etc all mesh up. But it is not as scary as it used to be. I was hoping by now I would have a travelling companion, a couple of my widowed friends have expressed interest but so far nothing has come of it. It is harder than you think to co-ordinate dates, times, places you would both like to see. Of course I have plenty of people I can visit within Australia too, so plan to do some of that travelling north in autumn and winter next year. I can say I would like to do some different things this summer so might add picnics locally to my calendar, with or without others joining me. In most cases it is easier if I do things on my own occasionally, again as a confidence builder. One thing I still have to do is learn to be happy with my own company. I am a gregarious person and love to be around people and that is fine most of the time. But I also have to make myself content when I am alone. It is one of the new things that being a widow has taught me, that there is going to be a lot of time when I am going to be on my own. There is plenty of activity in my life, as you know I tend to pack it full, but I have to be content also with periods of inactivity and silence. That one is a bit hard for me but master it I will. If I try to pack too much into my life I know I can suffer burnout so to stop that happening I need to learn to relax and enjoy a solitary life. People who know me casually say how well and happy I look, funny how you can seem happy while feeling so miserable sometimes. I learned that as a caregiver. Put a smile on your face and go out and people will just assume all is well and you are happy. Of course I am not depressed or desperate but with September and the dates ahead I do feel a little apprehensive. Of course I am not going around telling people about it but it is in the back of my mind. I come across other widows in my pastoral work for the church and have learned to shut down my own feelings while I listen to their stories, that is what I am there for. And I do feel that special empathy with them and do assure them time passes and heals as it goes. But it is true you never forget. So I try to fill the days with worthwhile activities, eat good food, get plenty of exercise, get plenty of rest. In fact do all the things I have so many times told other people to do. And of course life goes on.

Sorry Donna I was away when you posted this so did not know until you commented on my post. (((hugs)))

Sounds like life is coming right side up again George. With older folk there is often that infection that can take them either way. Looks like you will have Lesley home soon. Give her a hug from me when she arrives..

Nancy, you know you did what you were able to do, sometimes that has to be enough. Allow yourself to get well now. We all as caregivers know how hard life has been for you. I wish you well as you go forward into your "new" life.

Some good points in this blog Mitch. I do a lot of reading in bed so maybe my mind thinks it is a reading room not a bedroom. Will think about whether or not I want to continue this habit.

Fred I am sure you and the little dog together will make a grand team.

Mitch, Ray and I caravanned a lot prior to his first stroke so remember Daylesford and Hepburn Springs from that time. I have a lot of happy memories from those trips. Hope you record your blogs before Stroke Foundation closes them down. They contain precious memories.

What a lovely tribute to your brother. I hope he has a Happy Birthday too, and lots of attention from the ladies in his facility. Not as good as having family there but the next best thing is to be surrounded by friendly faces..

I understand wearing the mask as Ray did that after the first stroke. After the second and third we both wore masks, he the "sure I'm recovering" mask and me the "I'm coping just fine" one. Over the years (I looked after him for twelve and he had a year in a nursing home) he became weakened as each stroke, fall, seizure etc took their toll and we just had that patient, long suffering look on our faces and that had to do. Life is complicated, relationships are too, but show your true face to at least some of your friends, those few who you know will cope, and never hide from your partner if she is like me and expects there to be honesty in a relationship.

George if it helps New Zealand is just a short plane ride from here, I could go and help if that would be any use. You are a good husband and a fine friend so keep the home fires burning and let her know she is loved and supported and you will be there in spirit if not in body. (((hugs)) for both you and Lesley.

Pam, I trained as a Chaplain although I did no more than a year's voluntary work two days a week. I walked with death. I sat with the dying. I want to say that you are a living human being till your last breath, then for some reason you become "the body". But that is not the end. You briefly are very much alive to others at your funeral. Please don't think about death, don't worry about death, if you are religious like I am you can say some prayers for healing when you hear someone is seriously ill, then some prayers to help them through the dying, then prayers for the sorrow of those still living who loved them and will miss them. It is a part of life and like any other part of life is a process. Go on living, enjoy your life, make the most of life. But in your surrounding you will experience a lot of deaths so just nod at Death as he passes by.

I still have a lot of people coming up to me in the various groups I belong to and telling me a friend or relation of theirs has had a stroke and asking for advice etc. I usually say that some of my ideas are out of date now but a neurologist is a good starting point. But at least some of the usual advice still applies: do your research, pace yourself (if you are a caregiver) get some therapy (for the survivor), eat well,sleep well, keep healthy..That is still good advice for all stroke survivors and their caregivers.

Jay, you are persistent and that counts. It is hard sometimes to do all you have to do to achieve the results you want. A good reminder to me today that I have to see something through to the very end if I want results and things to happen the way I planned. Thanks.

I know I have nothing to complain about really but I have been feeling quite lonely the last few days. It is still winter here and raining. I don't feel that it is just that, it is also the fact that if I want to talk to someone it is me that has to ring. I don't have friends who automatically ring me now. I do have lots of pleasant acquaintances and that helps but it is not the same as having intimate friends. I think that is partly because the people who supported me through Ray's journey were often carers and half of a married couple so I no longer fit in their world. I am alone so two and one make three if you see what I mean. Coming back from England to an empty house was difficult as it always will be. I have a lot to do in the house and the yard so keep busy, I had a fairly sociable week last week so got through it okay. This week has less social occasions and today particularly the time has hung heavy on my hands. Sure there is plenty of housework to do and I have done a couple of major tasks but that is not what satisfies me,it just accentuates my need to have interaction with people. Tomorrow whatever the weather I am going to get out and about. Funny how I thought I would easily fit into life as a widow and didn't realise sometimes the loneliness would be devastating. Which is why I keep busy, I fill my life up with activities and time passes. Today HostSally and I did a general chat as the stroke survivors came in to us as well. It turned into a very interesting chat as of course we came into each discussion with several different points of view. One of the subjects was whether or not the survivors thought they would have been able to be a caregiver if the problem had been reversed. A couple said they wouldn't but I think we all would if we thought of the love, commitment and sense of duty we each have and applied that to the situation, Love, duty and commitment is why I cared for Ray. As I told the chat group I was brought up by my parents to have a view of life where I had a social duty to be active in my neighbourhood, so I ran messages, minded younger children and looked on myself as a helper for the aged. It was a good way to grow up in a way as before social services and the way society operates these days it was the neighbourhood that looked after the aged and the needy and that meant children as helpers as well as adults. Most of the places I grew up in were small villages which have now been absorbed into the urban sprawl. This early training meant that where there was a need I have seen myself as being able to fill the gap, disastrous sometimes as I do overload and suffer burnout but also a good thing as I can commit time and effort to causes I believe in. It is a pity that our society on the whole does not feel the same way. Imagine a world in which people automatically helped their neighbours, what a difference that would make to the lives of survivors and caregivers alike. Thanks to all who were in chat today for your ideas, support and encouragement. If you are reading this and for some reason do not go to chat think about doing so, it is wonderful how much support you get there. HostSally and I were pleased to have the interaction as Caregiver Chat has been slow the past couple of months. I wonder if sites like Facebook have taken people away from Stokenet chats or if it is just a shortage of time that causes the caregivers to think that coming into chat will just be another obligation they try to fit in? If you think about why you get that feeling that you are alone it is also good to read some of the blogs. I have got so much support mself from doing that. I keep on here as a Chat Host and Blog Moderator because I remember how much I gained by coming to this site when I was sad and lonely, worried, frustrated and in search of information about strokes, treatment, medication and simply how to get through each day. To think if I had not Googled “stroke support” and this site had not risen to the top of the list I would have missed out on so much. So you are obviously a member on here if you are reading this. Time to reassess the reason you are here. Is it just to read, to comment or to help? I hope that is some of the reasons. I like to think this is the friendliest site I have ever been on and the most supportive and informative. Where would I have been without instructions from Debbie (Ethyl17) on how to fit a bed so it was easy to make a change after an episode of incontinence or without coming on and reading one of Asha's blog about going with the flow when like a salmon I was battered by the rocks of life as I battled my way upstream? I wonder sometimes if I should move my blog somewhere else like Blogspot but then I do love the comments and opinions of the people here so much because they have been there and done that as far as stroke is concerned and that is really valuable as the voice of experience. And now in my widowhood, well one day we will all be separated from those we love be it parents, spouse or child,and hopefully some of what I write here will help in that situation too.

Fred, all we can do is continue to pray for our children, support them as much as we can afford and know what our limitations are. God bless you Fred in all that you do.

Having a personal driver is good, someone friendly who says "I am here to help" is what we all needs in our shakier moments. Sounds like you are slowly building yourself up again in confidence and courage.