swilkinson

Fred, lovely to hear your praise of your wife, many wives never get to hear that. You are a survivor in many ways and your recovery from each setback is remarkable and well deserved. May you have many happy married years ahead of you. Merry Christmas to you and yours and a happy and healthy 2015. Sue.

Judy, I think in the end we know that what we hope they can do and what they can do are two different things. I used to envy those whose survivor made such effort and made so much more progress than my Ray did. But in the end I realised "it is what it is". And it was better that I still had him with me. Keep on blogging so we are able to support you. (((Hugs))) from Sue.

I can still feel steam coming out of my ears when I re read your blog to make sure I got it right. Did this idiot fail Bedside Manner 101? Did he even take Compassionate Communication? Where does he get off taunting you? I would have done the ice queen thing , drawn myself up to my full height (5'2") and said: "How good was your pass at University anyway? You seem to be so much less than I need in a doctor." and walked out with as much dignity I could muster. I have asked a doctor before if he thought he knew what he was talking about. He told me I sounded angry. I said I was. He said he was sorry and maybe he hadn't explained as well as he could have. Pam, you did not cause your stroke, many people have done exactly as you did and didn't have a stroke. The doctor is WRONG (and pig headed, rude, making excuses for his own incompetence etc) why he couldn't just give you referrals I do not understand. Is he a slave to the insurance company maybe getting a bonus if he doesn't refer on? Keep up your quest for the best treatment possible. Think along the lines :"There must be someone who knows what is happening out there."

I am glad you are walking. I think most caregivers accept that mood changes happen and sometimes overshadow the good times. The family eventually get used to it, I know ours did with Ray. Sometimes when he still lived at home he would have flashes of anger and they'd all scatter. Understandable as it was caused by frustration, we could do so much and he so little, so he envied us our able bodies. Those who truly love you will g on loving you no matter what happens.

Fred, life is about recovery. You are a fighter and I know you will get the most out of life with ot without the abilities returning. It is good to be able to make a contribution to the household though so keep on driving for as long as you are safe on the roads. And the cooking, well that is a bonus, or would be to me. Merry Christmas and a healthy and prosperous 2015 to you too.

I agree with all of the above except if the person who is talking to you has the same old hangups and grudges that they had back then, If you talked to a friend of mine from the last twenty years and then talked to my sister you would get a very different picture as she has always been a grudge holder and would let that colour how she sees me now. You do need someone with an honest, clear-eyed view of you, and preferable someone who likes you just a little to get accurate information. I agree with Ron, you are doing very well. I've enjoyed your blogs right from the beginning as you write not only with honesty but there is also a lot of love and joy in your blogs too, particularity the Cookie Monster ones. Peace and Joy to you Lydi.

Had a good week, busy and with some social activity. Still not looking forward to Christmas Day but then the family factor is not there that made it special for me. At my age gifts are unimportant, what I loved was watching little faces as the children opened their presents, and Ray's dear face as he watched them doing it. Good times now past times.

AJ; Ray's neurologist, the top in his field locally said if was good that he progressed the way he did, he was lucky to have a good wife and caregiver (me) and unfortunate that the particular combination of factors ( high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes)although all could be treated, made it difficult to prevent further strokes. That was in May 2005, the stroke that brought me here. He was right, some strokes are going to happen anyway because the treatment at that time did not cope with the factors. Nor do our present methods of treatment as Ray was unable or unwilling to do the amount of therapy needed. It is hard to accept the thought that the condition you have is irreversible but it is that way for some stroke survivors. I wish the neurologists had a rating so you could pick one that way as it is easy to go after an answer and never find one. I think age is a factor too whether we like it or not. Ray's life expectancy after the first two major strokes in 1999 was given to me as 2 - 5 years but he lived until he turned 70 in 2012. He was not good the last few years but he did make "old bones". That is about the best we could have hoped for.

Julie, I have been in that same position and know how you visit and are as bright as you can be and then come home and worry and cry. If this is the way you are feeling it is normal. So sorry to hear it has come to this but as you say therapy may help and there may be another period when he can be home and you can be together again. I pray that this is so. We miss you in chat and I know each of us is thinking of you. Debbie keeps us up with your news. It is so hard though to go through this again and I understand your feeling that this is a repeat of the first stroke. I felt that several times too. Hopefully that feeling will pass and you will feel reassured that there is a better part of the journey ahead.

I am sitting here thinking about Life. Not a good idea as the busier I am the happier I am. But I spent all day writing out Christmas cards yesterday and I feel less Christmassy than before I stated. Seems as if it is a waste of time, paper in, paper out, words in, words floating out into space like released party balloons never to be seen again.. I think it is because there is not a good news story here, just the bumbling day by day event that I call my life. I think I am tired of keeping up appearances and that is why this Christmas, the third since Ray died and my first without family close by is the hardest so far. I can't remember being less enthusiastic about Christmas than I am this year. I will be hosting dinner on Christmas night for my family from the south, Shirley and her family but they will have had a huge lunch at Craig's brother's place so I know they will only want a light meal here. They will be staying a couple of nights though so perhaps the day after Christmas will seem more like Christmas Day for me with family around and a lot of hustle and bustle. Family around does make a big difference to how I feel about life. I was hoping by now I would be content with living on my own but I think that goal is a lot further off than I thought. The boys I will not see till late summer so I will just phone them with my greetings. My younger son Trevor has been in a bad way since his wife left him four weeks ago and I have been in contact daily as has his sister. He is moving out of the marital home at last into a tiny miners cottage that will be just big enough for himself and his daughter Alice when she is there. At least this will be a fresh start for him and he will have a base again. He had to see out the lease in the other house so it was full of bad memories and contributed to the way he was feeling. So what will I do on Christmas Day? I will go to church, go to a friend's for lunch, then be home in time to prepare a light dinner. I thought of going just down to the park and having a picnic there but it seems like a lot of effort as they will be here for a couple of days we will have opportunities to do that on Boxing Day. The tree is up, some tinsel draped so there are some decorations and it looks like Granma is celebrating Christmas even if she is not really doing so in her heart. I have just replied to the cards I have been sent. I know this will mean a lot of post Christmas letters as I will get some on Christmas Eve but I thought I would do it this way so I know how many just send a reply. With Facebook and emails now a lot of people don't send out cards anyway. I have been busy with the Christmas Stocking ticket selling and church and a lot of side issues. Life is closing down for Christmas in Australia as it always has. I usually read through January but might do some of the small trips I have been putting off. I know the trains will be crowded, the weather hot etc but I need to keep busy. I know that seems to be my theme lately but I know it works for me, less time on my hands, less time to feel how empty my life is and to feel sorry for myself. Time was I would look around me and find some lonely person to come and share our Christmas Day with, looking further down the track that person may be me with some kind church family offering to have me over for lunch and looking to make sure this old lady from church is enjoying herself. I don't know if that will be good or not. Maybe those I invited over looked happy enough but inside were wondering how long they had to stay before someone would drop them home into the pool of silence in which they were accustomed to live? Where would I like to be? On a site called Widowed Village where I keep another blog I wrote about that: http://widowedvillage.org/profiles/blogs/i-wish It is not meant to be a sad blog, for me it was just a trip down memory lane. I know people think I am doing great and to a certain extent I am taking back my life now but there is still a part of me that is sad and lonely and without direction. I am like a search engine looking for that one small story that will make everything else in my life make sense. Maybe that will happen one day, maybe not. Merry Christmas everybody and a good outcome for all in 2015.

I think David's idea of the red wine is a good one Sarah, so put up a few lights and sit back and drink the wine while they blink on and off. I have only a tree up and have written in 12 cards so far, not much of an effort so will use the excuse "I am a poor widow woman" and see how I go with that.

I hope you do find a solution Rose.

I think there is a time when it is too early to do some things. I know it is hard to decide what direction to go in right now for you. Did you do the training to become a 911 dispatcher or is this course part of what you needed for that? I did three years of study and never got to the goal I was aiming at many years ago but the information I gained in doing the Diploma did come in handy in various ways. Don't feel a failure, we all fail in some things, just put it down to experience and remember it happens to us all often due to wrong timing.

The music stops, the couples pick up their bags, the singles wait for their transport, the party is over for another year. The highlight of my Christmas party season is the WAGS (Working Age Group for Stroke) Christmas party. The people who belong to that group have been the foundation of my life for 8 years, six with Ray alive and the two since. I know many of them have a heavier load than even I had but they still have time to think of others, to reach out, to share on Facebook or in an email. If the saying is true: “If you want something done ask a busy person.” then it is more true that when you have a burden to carry you can rely on these true burden bearers, someone who already has too much trouble in their life who will still add you to their thoughts or prayer list. They are wonderful people. I must confess that I have become a trifle sentimental in my old age. Where there is dancing and music, happiness comes in many disguises. Happiness forms like a bubble surrounding us so the weather is fine and the day is lovely and all of a sudden love is all around. Not the one-to-one love we see in the movies but that general sense of love that comes with being with good friends and knowing you are safe to be a little silly and enjoy yourself. It is a wonderful feeling and like a bubble sometimes lasts only seconds but it leaves a kiss on your heart. I am still the Dancing Diva, the music plays and I dance. But I was not the only one dancing, the caregivers dance, the survivors dance, not only those lightly affected but those who can barely stand up and those who need a wheelchair or a scooter. Wonderful to have a dance partner who just appreciates movement and music and the mood of the moment. I would tell you who but it would break the spell. Music and dancing and good food and funny people and ...I could go on and on. I am changing. I can feel the cocoon starting to shatter. It is a strange feeling. I don't know how long it will take but feel changes coming into my life again. The pre-Christmas season has been busy. I am doing four hour shifts at least twice a week selling tickets in our Lions Club Christmas Stocking. We have two people on at a time, so there is a social aspect to it, and as I have lived in this place for 31 years at the last stretch I do know a lot of people so plenty of chat with those who buy thee tickets too. Given that all the money then goes to various charities and projects a very good use of my spare time. I also have the church commitments. Sadly one of my home communion ladies is now in a hospice in Sydney, to be nearer to her daughter and another has just come home from hospital and is still recovering from pneumonia, for those two I send cards instead of paying visits. There are still others who ponder the reason for us thinking of Christmas as a family season when their family rarely visit and when they do it is only for too short a time, a brief appearance where so much more is needed. All I can do is sit and listen to what they have to say, I have no influence on the situation. The rest of the church year is packed with the usual end-of-year functions and the usual extra services for the season. I like the reminder of the foundations of our faith. I don't mind doing extra tidy ups and helping with Messy Church is a real joy to me. Now I don't see my own grandchildren seeing other people's is almost as good, there is a real comraderie in working alongside kids, helping to fix a wing to an angel or putting a crown on a king. Who could ask for any other reward than the smile on their faces when they catch a glimpse on themselves in the mirror? I had four days with my daughter and family last week and that was good. The two children both got an award at their Presentations so we sat through two of those. They are good kids, taught to be steady workers at home and at school. I also went to Carols in the Park, not a big flash event but eleven bandsmen including my two grandchildren who play the cornet, in a small grassy area in a low social economic area, only ten people actually came from that community and stayed during the performance but every car load driving past saw the Sallies were back in their area again. It is about what we call the ministry of presence – I am here if you need me. And so the busy time comes. I have got some baubles on my Tree, I will try to put up some decorations this week, cleaning as I go. I do seem to have neglected the house a lot since I got so busy and so tired too. The humid weather doesn't help in that way. But it is a happy season and does bring out the goodwill in the community, people do smile more and offer a greeting and hopefully will be more generous in giving to those in need not only to our cause but to the many helping hand organisations that need a boost this time of the year. I wish you renewed strength as you struggle with the season, the good and the bad, the exhilarating and the tiring. The meaning for me as a Christian is love – love spread wide and far, love of neighbour and love of others, whoever you encounter in your daily living. May it also be a season of blessing for us all.

I am proud of you too, whatever happens in your life you are doing your best. My plan for my life is to keep busy, just keep doing something that seems worthwhile, take it day by day, hour by hour if you need to. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Towards the end of Mum's life in the nursing home she was silent. She hardly looked at me and certainly could not say my name. I used to ask myself why I went. One day a staff member said how lovely it was I visited so often and how much brighter Mum was when I had been. Who knows what they know and how they think about us? Bless you for what you do.

Fred, your favourite time of the year, and a little downtime for your honey. Glad you have something to keep your mind busy.

Lynda, I used to do distance learning so would go for a weekend three times a year and the minute I got in the door all three of my teenaged kids would say: "What's for dinner Mum." it is a family dependency thing. So leave a list of instructions entitled: "How to cook dinner." and give them a mark out of ten when they do it. If they don't do it then the answer is: "If you want a sandwich make me one too." (I am a wicked woman) :bbq:

Lennny, thank you for your Christmas greetings and expressing so well what Christmas means to you. It is wonderful to know that you find this a "magical happy season" you have a very contented mind and an intriguing way of expressing yourself. So Merry Christmas to you too my friend.

Nancy, you have to come out of this whole. Do what you have to do. I hated putting Ray into respite and felt guilty if I did something he would have liked to do, BUT, it was so that I could live through the events of each day and somehow remain sane. That is part of taking your oxygen first, making sure that Nancy as well as Dan gets the best out of the day. You need some TLC, some respite, some time off and some time out. You have to give yourself permission to do it. You have to chase the guilt monster out of the house and sit and relax and if that means Dan in care for a while then that is what needs to happen.

Do you ever wonder what is happening to your thoughts at this time of the year? I am sure we all suffer from some sort of emotional confusion as we look at the world through the filter of our own problems. So far I do not have a single decoration up, no tree, no tinsel, nothing to show that Christmas is coming. I haven't written in any cards or posted any Christmas letters. It feels as if I am just not emotionally ready. I thought it would improve this year, I've passed the two year anniversary of both Ray and Mum now so I wonder what is holding me back? I've just been down to my daughter's place. It is always nice to go down and visit with her and her family, they are the ones closest to me now, only four hours away by train. The start of the journey was Sunday, not a good day to travel as there is always work being done on the line so I was 40 minutes late into the station where Shirley picks me up, she and Christopher had waited all that time. The purpose of the timing was so I could attend a couple of Presentations Days, Naomi's on Monday and Christopher's on Tuesday night. It was worth the trip to see them both get awards, Naomi was excited when she found hers had a $50 book voucher with it so she has some serious shopping to do. I still do not have firm plans for Christmas Day, a friend asked me to lunch, now she is going to a cousin's place and would I like to come too? Will I or won't I? Shirley and co will be here in the late afternoon so I could go and it would stop me moping around here with a long face. It is hard to make decisions based on no particular knowledge of what is going to happen. But I am lucky compared to so many really with only myself to worry about now. I could go to church, come home, eat my weight in prawns and nap all afternoon. That sounds like a good alternative to being sociable. The party season is in full swing, the only party I really like is on Saturday and I like it because it has dancing. I have become a dancing diva as my Facebook friends will tell you. I did go once to a local Seniors dance but it was New Vogue, a dance mostly to do with waltzing and as I have not got a partner that is not really practical. It is too hard to dance a twelve sequence dance with strangers when you are just learning. However one of the ladies who used to run a dance school is organizing for me to get some video tapes so I can learn some of the more complicated dances at home so maybe by the middle of next year I will be able to do that. Picture me perched on stilettos with a big skirt and big hair to match. Rumba anyone? This summer is showing signs of being a hot one and we have had chains of thunderstorms marauding up and down the coast for the past week or so. The two I saw from Shirley's verandah were beautiful as the lightning zig zagged and reflected across the Lake and I did get some joy out of the beauty of it all before it came over head and frightened the heck out of her two dogs. They came inside for a while to calm their nerves. I wish I liked storms but I don't really. No storm on the night I went with her Salvation Army band to a small park in a rundown area to play some Christmas Carols, both of my two grandchildren played with the band this year. Naomi is only a beginner so played about four of the Carols in the program. The bandmaster is glad to have the younger ones coming on. Nothing compares to Carols played by a Brass Band. I sang with the ladies and we would have been better with a few male voices but they were all using their wind to play their instruments. I hope you have bands in your area to add that brassy sound to Christmas. My book for the train journey was one someone gave me last Christmas, it contains a lot of short stories of peoples experiences. I learned that I am a xenophile, a lover of strangers. I always knew that as as soon as I sit down on a bus seat or in a railway carriage someone starts to talk to me. I have one of those universal faces that says "grandmotherly type" before I even open my mouth. Today's first speaker was a Chinese lady married to an Irishman. She was going to help out at a Palliative Care unit for cancer survivors. She said it could be a sad place but it isn't, there is a lot of laughter there.Next was a man who had to go to a heart doctor. I told him I was just finding my heart again, it seemed to not beat as passionately for a long time and now I can feel the difference. He smiled and said he was glad to hear that. Now I am home I must get the house brighter and happier looking. I need to put away the winter things, like all my wools and get out some of the prettier summer fabric in cushions and throwovers and get a summer look going. I don't really want to but know I have to. The house needs to look refreshed and festive and inviting to anyone who will call over the Christmas period. There is not usually many that do visit but all must be made to feel welcome here. Also I've got to start on those cards and letter. I tell myself: "Don't think about it, just do it." There was a little pastoral crisis while I was away so I need to make some phone calls and do a couple of home visits. Then of course there are the home communions and nursing home visits, the times I am rostered to sell tickets in the Lions Club Christmas Stocking, the Lions club meeting etc. There is always plenty to do. If you have the heart for it.

Great news, glad your grand daughter arrived safely. Red hair and a fiery temper was the belief, so support her Mom as she grows up for sure. Congratulations.

Oh dear Julie, prayers from me too.

I don't think I've actually welcomed you back to the Blog Community - so welcome back. Yes, it is like being on the moon, especially some days. I looked after Ray full-time so i know how it feels.

You handled it and that is what counts. My younger son is going through the early stages of separation, definitely not nice. Good vibes coming your way.