swilkinson

Cagin, your Grandma Adile is amazing, a woman of great determination, and her family who offer so much support to her are pretty amazing too. Thank you for recording how well she is doing now. Sue.

Julie, that is a caregiver's worse nightmare, the fall, particularly if that is an injury that means he/she cannot go on looking after the one cared for. I am glad you had some small help at least. But do please fit that into your Plan B. Having a daughter home for a few days is a gift worth having, happy decorating.

Life is busy. It is mostly good too but a couple of events this week have cast a shadow over the joy of the season, one is that an old and trusted friend has stage 4 cancer and I can't get to see her right now and the other is that my younger son's wife has walked out and is preventing him from seeing the children. I am so far away from both of them and I want to be with them, in two different directions and I have so many obligations here that my time is so committed and I just can't get away for a few days. At my stage of widowhood I am getting a lot of unsolicited advice. All of it is well-intentioned, all of it is valid, most of it is useless and has no bearing on my life whatsoever. All I can do is laugh it off. A cousin of Ray's who has been divorces three times and is for now happily married told me today that it is perfectly all right for me to ask a man to go out with me. He said if you like someone and they are single just go and ask them to come with you to the pictures or something. I am afraid I was born in the wrong generation for that. I was taught that a man asked a woman out, he picked her up, he opened the door for her etc. I know it doesn't work like that today but 46 years ago, when I was last dating it did work like that. Last week I went to the church movie night. Due to circumstances I ended up being the only one from our group there so decided to go into the movie alone. There were only a few people in the theatre so I had a row to myself. One woman in the next row over went out and when she came back in I overheard her male partner say: "There honey, snuggle in." I didn't see the movie for a while as I was crying for the love I had and lost. That man Ray who was supposed to be with me till we were too old to go out. I so miss being with someone special, being half of Ray and Sue.There is no going back of course but sometimes I just ache with longing for those times long past. Most of you who know me well know I like to keep busy. My calendar is dotted with places I need to be, times I need to be there. In some cases there is a clash and I have to choose. Some of the advisers tell me this is wrong and I should choose just a handful of events and just do them, leaving me plenty of time to declutter my house etc. They of course are right up to a point, sooner or later I need to do a lot of decluttering but right now I am busy and life is full of unexpected joy. I enjoyed just seeing a couple of old friends today while I did my four hour stint on the Lions Club Christmas Stocking. This unexpected meeting in both cases started up a conversation full of delightful memories of outings we had together. Of course we have aged and there is some problems with our bodies etc but our love has not diminished and we were truly glad to catch up again. But I fear that is it, in both cases it is a friendship based in the past and that really is where it will stay. My mind keeps going back to my son. I have rung him today and so far he is coping. he has very little work as another mine where they clean the restrooms etc is suspending operations due to the low iron ore prices. He needs to get accommodation on his own now as a five bedroom house is too big and expensive for him to rent. He has to have two bedrooms so Alice can have one when she visits. All I can do from here is talk to him, comfort him, give what advice I think might be applicable. My daughter, the Salvation Army Officer, has welfare experience so she is giving him advice that is probably more useful than mine. My son left a good job to go with his wife so she could have the career she wanted. It is a mine field for a married couple who have only been together for a few years, there are untold hazards embedded in moving, change of jobs, one working more hours that the other. Ray and I did it three times and somehow our marriage survived, but we were from that committed generation. We believed that marriage vows we said did mean till death us do part. We worked on the principle that said raise the kids and then have your fun. Of course we had the last of our children, Trevor, to fifteen when Ray had the first stroke so it didn't all work out as planned. I know a lot of people reading this will know what I am talking about as they too have been through this separation and divorce in their family, the splitting up of assets, the moving from the family home etc. A lot of families are fractured and yet somehow they cope. It is times like this when I really miss my practical man. I can say the calming things, the sensible things, the warm and fuzzy things, but Ray would have spoken to Trevor man-to-man and that is something we will both miss, that real old-fashioned father figure in our lives. And so as usual it is go on alone, one step at a time, one day at a time but looking out for the joy on the way. Today is also the second anniversary of my Mum's death. Rest in peace Mum, till we meet again.

Two years today for me since my Mum died, and I still miss her but now also see her life in some sort of perspective. I now enjoy recalling mum's favourite stories, some of the good times we had and I remember a lot of things that she and Dad did in our formative years. She was 94 when she died, God bless her and had had Alzheimers for close on 14 years but she was still my dear little Mum to the very end, Sue.

Yes, go and be WALKER WOMAN, good for you! I have friends in wheelchairs and I only think of them as Heather, Jean and Pam. Heather is a chaplain, Jean is an artist and Pam tells jokes, slowly and surely she builds up to the punchline and I am laughing like a fool in the shopping centre eatery. As a caregiver, a pusher of wheelchairs I was invisible too as a lot of people assumed I was a paid worker and so not to be included in a conversation. I would lean forward with my hand out and say: "Sue, Ray's wife, I don't believe we've met yet?" It caused some embarrassment but usually the person said hello to me as well as Ray next time. Sue.

Lydi, so nice to have you back. Thank you for your blog, just love your service dog stories. It is like having a favourite niece come home. And you are going to be a Granma - wow! Congratulations all round. Sue.

Wow Ed, that is a long list of medical mishaps. Thanks for telling us. Looking forward to getting to know you better through your blogs. Sue.

In older women UTIs are usually the cause of that kind of behaviour. There are some preventative medications you can keep on hand and once you get a doctor who understands her various conditions antibiotics suitable for UTIs work too. It is scary the changes that occur with such a simple infection. Ray also went through the same behaviour changing process with a chest infection or a fever of any kind so look out for that too. Sue.

Asha, just the day to day things are enough sometimes. I try not to worry ahead. of course that works well until I lay down to sleep...lol. We just have to trust that if you do the right things it will all come out right in the end. Sue.

Debbie, you certainly got straight to the scary end of stroke where the medical incompetence makes life so much harder. So sorry the hospital messed you around so much. I wonder how they keep going if they never listen to anyone? After all those of us who know the patient well have a lot of insights to offer. Seems you got the runaround from all the institutions you took your Daddy to. I hope you Mom and Dad can settle where they are for a while as it needs to happen for your family's sake as well as for theirs. Sue.

Thanks for dropping by Fred, we all miss you and your blogs and supportive comments. Take the time you need but know you are appreciated and loved by the Blog Community so make your way back here as soon as you can. Sue.

Anything that helps understand what you are going through is good.

Welcome back. We Aussies are always having flag debates too. We were shown a silver fern on a black background as your possible new flag design and one with a silver fern across a background 1/3 red. 2/3 blue. What do the locals think about those two options? Sue.

Ray wanted to go under the house to his workshop in the beginning of his recovery from his 1999 strokes but he couldn't stand upright by himself. I did bring things up to the verandah for him to do but in the end he knew he couldn't do any of it. There is a limit to what you recover. In your husband's case ask a friend to assess his safety or hire an OT to put him through the paces. You don't need to be his apprentice, though I do often wish Ray could have taught me his handyman skills. Find maybe a retired man with similar interests who would put in an afternoon a week with him if you can.Your local seniors center might be a good place to start looking. Sue.

I was in a shopping area when 11am came on the 11th and was surprised that they had the Ode and the silence. Obviously some people still remember to honour those who served and all they did for us.

I'm glad you got some help Katrina, you have been having a battle with depression for a while now and this is hopefully the end of that. If you can find some more meaningful things to do. Can you find some volunteer work that you could be picked up for? That would mean you can go even when you don't feel able to drive. I think a routine that includes time out of your apartment and hopefully some interest for you would be an idea, Getting some exercise into your day, some good food, some fresh air to be a part of your daily routine too . I know if I want to stay home too much that is a warning sign for me too that all is not well.

Hello, my name is Sue, I am a widow of a stroke survivor, my late husband Ray, a volunteer here at Strokenet and yes, it is official, I am a Dancing Diva. I got this award for dancing on Friday and Saturday nights at the WAGS Women's Weekend. I have not always been a Dancing Diva although dancing was a big part of the courtship between Ray and I. I danced most Friday nights and some Saturday nights from the age of sixteen until we married when I was twenty one. I had friends, family members or boyfriends who drove me to dances and I met Ray at a dance. Ray had been a dance instructor and danced divinely, I was always a bit slap dash but light on my feet which is a blessing to your partner's feet. Being trodden on is no fun. Ray was serious about dancing and a delight to dance with. The dancing we did at that time was called Old Time dancing, the dances were Reels, the Valeta, the Pride of Erin, the Canadian Three Step, the Barn Dance of course and similar set piece dances. On demand there was also the Jazz Waltz and some other more modern type South American dances. I was a whizz at the Gay Gordons as I could spin around really fast. Once a month I went to a Rock and Roll dance held by a local teen club. I helped host a dance once a month at my Teen Club. That is lots of work as everything from the hot wash of the floor to the sandwich making and setting out of chairs was done by us teens under supervision. Our dancing days continued throughout our married life probably monthly until Ray had the 1990 stroke and dancing, particularly waltzing caused vertigo. We tried a few times but it no longer worked, it was no longer fun, so it was one of the many things we had to give up. And there were a lot of things we had to give up over those many years, especially after the two major strokes in 1999 so dancing became a thing of the past, just part of those memories of long ago. I have recorded elsewhere the way Shirley and I managed to make it appear that Ray danced the Bridal Waltz at her wedding but that is a story from another time. Then I went to the first WAGS Women's Weekend. “Get up” said one of my hew friends and dragged me onto the dance floor where we wiggled and giggles and spurred each other on to Abba and BoneyM and yes even Kylie Minogue. So began my three dances a year, two at the Women's Weekend and one at the Christmas Party a month later. A large group of women dancing together is an unusual sight but it is also a happy sight, particularly as at the Women's Weekends both Caregivers and Survivors are together on the floor, holding hands, sometimes dancing in a line or just singly. It is a feat in itself that we can achieve the harmony we do. Oh the joys of moving to the music, the happiness of being hot and sweaty, sides aching and dropping back at the table to drink one more glass of water. At the Christmas party though the reproachful glances of Ray from the table at the perimeter of the dance floor at first looked like anger and when I returned to sit next to him he always asked to go home early as he had a headache or was tired. As it was a daytime party this might only be two o'clock in the afternoon so I would say: "After the next dance maybe" and hoped the dementia would allow him to forget. There was a solution to that too and soon someone would come and sit with him and he would be engaged in conversation and all was well. Forward to this year and I decided I needed to join in life and try and get out and about more on my own and make some changed. What to cling to, what to give up, what to give away? They were the new questions in my life. Give up Strokenet? No because I love it here and think I can still use my past experiences and be useful. Give up the Dementia Groups? Yes, because that was always more about Mum than about Ray. Give up WAGS... er, umm, well maybe back away a bit, not go to the meetings every month but keep in touch with all those wonderful women who had become friends and I could do that on Facebook and through a few personal calls. Mid October I realised I wasn't very fit, I thought of joining a gym but that is a pretty pricey option and I was not sure I wanted to go into lycra and sweat in front of a roomful of people. So I looked around to see what I could do and remembered I had the Wii set up for the grandchildren and had Just Dance 2 and so I have been dancing an hour a day to Just Dance2 on the Wii at home and I must say my skills and stamina have improved out of sight. So I bought Just Dance3 as a bit of variety and now someone told me there is a Zumba version so I might look at that too. This time last year I said I would not be going to another WAGS Women's Weekend. The pressure started so I gave in and said I would go to the dinner on Saturday night and stay for the dancing. I had to do the sermons on Sunday at church so that seemed reasonable. Then the phone calls started, why are you not coming, please come, we want you to come. So I said okay I will come all day Saturday. Then one person asked why I was giving up the things I liked to do? It is a fair question. Why would I give up the things I LOVED to do? So I said okay I would sleep over Friday night as well. On Thursday our locum (temporary minister) rang to tell me she had muddled up the dates and had the Synodsmen speaking on Sunday and could I do the preaching on the next Sunday instead? So the guilt of going away went away (it should never have been there anyway) and I was cleared to have a WAGS Women's Wonderful Weekend as usual. What a blessing it was for me. I did decide to come home after the dance on Saturday though as I didn't want to engage again in the tearful goodbyes on Sunday morning. I won't describe it all in minute details but we laughed, cried and shouted with that manic laughter that is so close to hysterics. We talked in groups around the pool and one-on-one in the corners of the room. I heard the stories of the ladies who have joined through the year and who I didn't know well and regained the confidences of those I have travelled with on my journey too. It is wonderful, unbelievably happy and yet can be sad too and so releasing and I love it now as I always have but for different reasons to when I was a hands-on, full time caregiver. I could not believe it on Saturday night when we had the first WAGSTER Awards and I got a plastic statuette and was the inaugural recipient of the Dancing Diva Award. I must say there was a lot of laughing at my discomfort and not sure of those pictures of my astonished face, hope they don't turn up on Facebook. I am sixty seven and have my FIRST dance award! Well isn't that an amazing thing? And to be surrounded by such love and laughter is an amazing thing too. My friend was right, you should never give up the things you really love to do. They may have to be put on the back burner for a while but one day they will be available to you once more. Thank you to the Wonderful Women of WAGS and the wonderful women and men on this site for all you are to me.

Great trip for you this time Sarah, meeting up with family or friends does make a difference as they share the load and the memories. Ray and I had a handful of those kinds of trips, our favourites were to Cairns. My son in law would push Ray and as he wore a pedometer informed me one day we had walked 5.7kms along the waterfront and back! Okay for his long legs, I bet mine did twice that! Keep up your good spirits, the memories fade soon enough and it is back to real life again. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Kristen, congratulations, well done. Now you will have some independence. Woo hoo!!

Sarah. hope it all works out as planned. I know from the "holidays" I took with Ray that it is hard work but it is a change of scenery, some new experiences and hopefully some good memories. Enjoy it. Sue.

Sounds as if you are much more able to fit what you need to into a day now. Condolences on the passing of your cousin, another one gone too soon. Glad you enjoyed Halloween, I did with 50 youngsters in our church hall. It is good to be on good terms with a heap of young folk. (((Hugs))) to both, Sue.

Tony, welcome to the Blog Community. Lots of interesting points in your blog, particularly do not get sick in a country where you don't speak the language. We didn't recognise the signs for my husband's first or second stroke, a lot of strokes are atypical. Luckily both times medical staff were on the ball and they did. Looking forward to the next installment. Sue.

There is a fear in us all, and age does not seem to alter that. It is tough to go through what you are going through so if you need to take antidepressants to feel better about life, do it. In our family we had a saying: "You live till you die", in other words you make the most you can out of life. My Dad died at 87 of various kinds of cancer which had started as prostate cancer. He was cheerful till the end. I know there is a lot of talk of terminating life where there is no hope of a cure and I know that would have applied to Dad but he would have disagreed, he loved life and wanted to be with his family and those friends who still remained. So I guess you would not know who to euthanaise and who wanted to live life right up till the end. Hope you have some improvement in your condition and good health returns for a while.

Thanks Kyle for bringing this to our attention. Sue.