swilkinson

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Blog Entries posted by swilkinson

  1. swilkinson
    If you see me out and about you would think how confident I am, laughing, joking, chatting to all and sundry. But back at home it doesn't seem a bit like that. I have posted on Kelli (ksmith)'s post titled "My world is closing in" and frankly, as a widow living on my own some days it feels very much like that. I do have good friends, real and in cyberspace and they are there for me, briefly, at random times and in special ways but they are not that one "special person" that I miss - my late husband Ray.
     
    On Saturday it will be three years since he died. I will be out all that day at a rally with a girlfriend and I am sure she will be aware that it is a special day and try to keep the mood light and make it easy to be in the moment but half of my mind will be in mourning. Because that is how it is on those special days like Father's Day, our birthdays, anniversaries and of course the anniversary of his death. The pain is less severe, the suffering is not as intense, but you still grieve and to a certain extent I guess I will do so for many years to come.
     
    I have been keeping company in a casual kind of way with an old school friend. He has married three times,been divorced for many years, likes his own company, is happy on his own. I am just a friend he talks to and has an occasional meal with it is not serious on either side but for a while I thought it might be. I can see now that as we head towards 70 marriage is less likely to be what we want. Companionship yes, marriage no. And yet for me marriage spells permanency, for him, with three marriages behind him of course it doesn't, he just wants someone to talk to from time to time and as old friends there is so much we have in common for us to talk about.
     
    My circle of friends, the ones who took me into their circle when I first became a widow is dwindling now. We have had some of our circle die, some move away, several of them have moved into care. That is the way life is. Our friendships wax and wane, our family moves around, our grandkids grow up and no longer want that hug of love, they want time to play on their iPad instead of the old movies we once watched together. All of this technology seems to have weakened the bonds of family love and somehow as a widow I sometimes feel neglected and forgotten as the families of my children demand more of their time and my portion of time shared gets less and less.
     
    There is no sense in feeling sorry for myself, a lot of good that will do. Instead I need to fill my days and sometimes my nights with worthwhile things to do so I still do all the church visiting, phone friends, go to meetings and out to lunch and hope that all of that reduces that hollow feeling I sometimes have inside, that question mark over my life that says: "Is this all there is?" because at this age that is a valid question. And I don't have any answers.
     
    I still co-host the Tuesday night's Caregiver Chat with HostSally, and moderate the blogs which means, reading the new blogs daily, commenting on them and at the end of each week writing up the Blog Report. I still do voluntary work for my Lions Club, BBQs, meat raffles, helping at the meetings. I enjoy that but rarely see anyone from my Club outside of these activities. I do some other community work, I attend a Coffee Morning now at a drop-in centre, chat to the people who come in, I do empathize with their stories, acknowledge their struggles in life. I advise (not counsel) and generally try to make the situation the person finds themselves in a little easier. I did telephone counselling for many years so it is a milder version of that. I hope it helps somewhat.
     
    I badly miss Ray and my Mum, three years seems a long time I know but sometimes to me it seems no time at all since they have been gone. You can't care for someone for that many years and not have it leave a lasting impression. So much has changed in the three years Ray has been gone, things like the kids moving away, the fact that I have been to the funerals of a few of his friends and some of his cousins and that life just changes anyway, especially as you age. So the life I lived with him and the life I live now are different. Harder somehow to deal with by myself. My kids are often too busy to really listen to what I say so any advice they give is often wide of the mark.
     
    It is 2am. I can't sleep, guess I won't much now until after the 19th, anniversaries are always like this, worried and sleepless before and fine once they have passed. Even logical approaches to the problem of grieving do not really help. I know Ray is dead and gone in fact but somehow not in my heart. Maybe that will be ongoing. And where does that leave the future? My future. I guess no-one knows. And for better or worse that is how it is.
     
    Tomorrow I may wake up and be happy that I do so, grateful for the sun and the beauty of Spring bursting out all around me. But maybe I won't. Someone said at the Lions Dinner tonight that he thought I was a bit quiet, and I am. there is a lot of things turning over in my mind, nothing of great importance but just thoughts of what my life is all about. Philosophical I know but it is hard to be practical at this time of night.
  2. swilkinson
    As one of the few widows still on this site I have a different path to tread to those who are still caregivers at the coal face. I have had all those years of caregiving my husband Ray but that ended nearly three years ago now. September is a hard month for me as it is Father's day the first Sunday in September in Australia, then Ray's birthday on the 8th, then the anniversary of his death on 19th. At three years I will not cry the river of tears I did in the first two years after his death but I will (and do) feel sad. And I guess I will every year when this time comes around.
     
    Life goes on for me a little faster as we go towards Spring which should get underway by the middle of the month. It is time to plant and so I have been repotting plants, filling the troughs with annuals and the deeper pots with seedlings so I will have lettuce and spinach and hopefully tomatoes for salads I have lots of parsley but some of the other herbs need replacing, hopefully the mint will come back soon. Usually you can't kill mint but six weeks without water seems to have done it. Brett is a good neighbour and puts my mail inside and picks up the papers but never seems to water the plants.
     
    It is this time of the year I miss being near my children, as third term ends there are a lot of events like Grandparents Day and school concerts, some fetes and Market Days. I miss out on all of these as my grandchildren are all so far away. A friend was telling me tonight that he is going to his grand daughters school for an egg and bacon roll which she has paid for herself. She said he is to help her celebrate "Grandfather's Day". Her Dad works and can't go but he will be her special guest. I get a bit teary when I hear stories like that as I know how much Ray would have loved that. No matter the distance we had to go to something like that we would have managed it somehow.
     
    Travelling alone is one of the things I am getting used to thanks to the two trips I have done to England since Ray died. Planning them has helped with that. I always feel I have some backing in England as I have the cousins but still have to look up bus and train times etc when I am on my own and that has helped to give me confidence. So I can fly without thinking about it and travelling on buses and trains is not a problem. Of course I do my research first and make sure the times etc all mesh up. But it is not as scary as it used to be.
     
    I was hoping by now I would have a travelling companion, a couple of my widowed friends have expressed interest but so far nothing has come of it. It is harder than you think to co-ordinate dates, times, places you would both like to see. Of course I have plenty of people I can visit within Australia too, so plan to do some of that travelling north in autumn and winter next year. I can say I would like to do some different things this summer so might add picnics locally to my calendar, with or without others joining me. In most cases it is easier if I do things on my own occasionally, again as a confidence builder.
     
    One thing I still have to do is learn to be happy with my own company. I am a gregarious person and love to be around people and that is fine most of the time. But I also have to make myself content when I am alone. It is one of the new things that being a widow has taught me, that there is going to be a lot of time when I am going to be on my own. There is plenty of activity in my life, as you know I tend to pack it full, but I have to be content also with periods of inactivity and silence. That one is a bit hard for me but master it I will. If I try to pack too much into my life I know I can suffer burnout so to stop that happening I need to learn to relax and enjoy a solitary life.
     
    People who know me casually say how well and happy I look, funny how you can seem happy while feeling so miserable sometimes. I learned that as a caregiver. Put a smile on your face and go out and people will just assume all is well and you are happy. Of course I am not depressed or desperate but with September and the dates ahead I do feel a little apprehensive. Of course I am not going around telling people about it but it is in the back of my mind. I come across other widows in my pastoral work for the church and have learned to shut down my own feelings while I listen to their stories, that is what I am there for. And I do feel that special empathy with them and do assure them time passes and heals as it goes. But it is true you never forget.
     
    So I try to fill the days with worthwhile activities, eat good food, get plenty of exercise, get plenty of rest. In fact do all the things I have so many times told other people to do. And of course life goes on.
  3. swilkinson
    I know I have nothing to complain about really but I have been feeling quite lonely the last few days. It is still winter here and raining. I don't feel that it is just that, it is also the fact that if I want to talk to someone it is me that has to ring. I don't have friends who automatically ring me now. I do have lots of pleasant acquaintances and that helps but it is not the same as having intimate friends. I think that is partly because the people who supported me through Ray's journey were often carers and half of a married couple so I no longer fit in their world. I am alone so two and one make three if you see what I mean.
     
    Coming back from England to an empty house was difficult as it always will be. I have a lot to do in the house and the yard so keep busy, I had a fairly sociable week last week so got through it okay. This week has less social occasions and today particularly the time has hung heavy on my hands. Sure there is plenty of housework to do and I have done a couple of major tasks but that is not what satisfies me,it just accentuates my need to have interaction with people. Tomorrow whatever the weather I am going to get out and about.
     
    Funny how I thought I would easily fit into life as a widow and didn't realise sometimes the loneliness would be devastating. Which is why I keep busy, I fill my life up with activities and time passes.
     
    Today HostSally and I did a general chat as the stroke survivors came in to us as well. It turned into a very interesting chat as of course we came into each discussion with several different points of view. One of the subjects was whether or not the survivors thought they would have been able to be a caregiver if the problem had been reversed. A couple said they wouldn't but I think we all would if we thought of the love, commitment and sense of duty we each have and applied that to the situation,
     
    Love, duty and commitment is why I cared for Ray. As I told the chat group I was brought up by my parents to have a view of life where I had a social duty to be active in my neighbourhood, so I ran messages, minded younger children and looked on myself as a helper for the aged. It was a good way to grow up in a way as before social services and the way society operates these days it was the neighbourhood that looked after the aged and the needy and that meant children as helpers as well as adults. Most of the places I grew up in were small villages which have now been absorbed into the urban sprawl.
     
    This early training meant that where there was a need I have seen myself as being able to fill the gap, disastrous sometimes as I do overload and suffer burnout but also a good thing as I can commit time and effort to causes I believe in. It is a pity that our society on the whole does not feel the same way. Imagine a world in which people automatically helped their neighbours, what a difference that would make to the lives of survivors and caregivers alike.
     
    Thanks to all who were in chat today for your ideas, support and encouragement. If you are reading this and for some reason do not go to chat think about doing so, it is wonderful how much support you get there. HostSally and I were pleased to have the interaction as Caregiver Chat has been slow the past couple of months. I wonder if sites like Facebook have taken people away from Stokenet chats or if it is just a shortage of time that causes the caregivers to think that coming into chat will just be another obligation they try to fit in?
     
    If you think about why you get that feeling that you are alone it is also good to read some of the blogs. I have got so much support mself from doing that. I keep on here as a Chat Host and Blog Moderator because I remember how much I gained by coming to this site when I was sad and lonely, worried, frustrated and in search of information about strokes, treatment, medication and simply how to get through each day. To think if I had not Googled “stroke support” and this site had not risen to the top of the list I would have missed out on so much.
     
    So you are obviously a member on here if you are reading this. Time to reassess the reason you are here. Is it just to read, to comment or to help? I hope that is some of the reasons. I like to think this is the friendliest site I have ever been on and the most supportive and informative. Where would I have been without instructions from Debbie (Ethyl17) on how to fit a bed so it was easy to make a change after an episode of incontinence or without coming on and reading one of Asha's blog about going with the flow when like a salmon I was battered by the rocks of life as I battled my way upstream?
     
    I wonder sometimes if I should move my blog somewhere else like Blogspot but then I do love the comments and opinions of the people here so much because they have been there and done that as far as stroke is concerned and that is really valuable as the voice of experience. And now in my widowhood, well one day we will all be separated from those we love be it parents, spouse or child,and hopefully some of what I write here will help in that situation too.
  4. swilkinson
    Tonight at Lions I got an award, it was one of those strange ones that gets you thinking about life. I was awarded Grandparent of the Year. Originally this award would have been for younger men who became a grandparent for the first time or had some outstanding number of children. Our Club has awarded it to great grandparents too. Tonight I got it for what the former president ( it was held for me after the changeover dinner when I was in England) said was special circumstances, I guess the struggle I have been supporting Trevor in as he tries to get increased access to his daughter Alice, and also for my work with many children, which would be the kids of our church's Messy Church program.
     
    I wonder if we ever think we deserve an award. I have been given a few in my time, all from the various Clubs and self-help groups I have belonged to. Some like my "Dancing Diva" award that I got last year at the end of the WAGS Women's Weekend are of course joke awards. They are fun to get but not to be taken too seriously. Others like the Carer of the Year Award from the Hunter Valley combined Stroke Recovery groups I much appreciated as it is awarded for being an outstanding carer and is a hard award to get (well in my case it represented an award for looking after a fairly high care spouse for over twelve years, plus the work I did in the community to promote stroke awareness (including what I do on here).
     
    Personally I don't think I need an award for doing what I ought to do anyway. I supported my husband because I took those old fashioned vows on my wedding day, "till death us do part" admittedly I failed to look after him all the way to death but he had to have more support than I could offer at home so he had to go into the nursing home for the last year of his life. The same with supporting my son, it is just what a mother does. The "Dancing Diva" award I won not because of my wonderful dancing so much as the encouragement I offered to other younger women among the stroke survivors to get up and dance. I enjoy it so much when I see the happiness on their faces when they realise what they are doing. It is worth giving up a thousand awards to see the real wonder on their faces.
     
    If what I do deserves an award then what so many others do should not go unnoticed and unrecognized. So many of you deserve an award for bravery in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds, you, the stroke survivors, struggle daily to put into action Improvements that means finding new pathways to send messages through a damaged brain. This is only achieved by hard work.You, the caregivers, struggle against tiredness, frustration and near defeat, to improve the life of the one you are caring for, partner, parent or child, to make a decent life for your family, to find a new way of making life worthwhile. Yes, my dears, you are all award winners too, even if that is never said to you by anyone else I am saying it to you now.
     
    So thank you all for being an inspiration to me, for telling your stories here in the Blog Community, for sharing your stories in posts on the Forums and for sharing with others in chat. You will never know what word you shared will have as an impact on another's life. I remember coming here in May 2005 knowing that I was losing the battle to overcome the deficits my husband was showing after stroke number four, no longer trusting the specialists, doctors and advisers who said "everything possible is being done" when I could see he was having more strokes than anyone else I knew while all the time being supposedly on the "right medication".
     
    Coming onto Strokenet saved my life and my sanity, finding marvelous people who shared their story, their advice and their empathy, who reassured me, who guided me, who helped me on my stumbling way. I found a whole community of people from all walks of life, all the states of America and some from other countries who understood what I was going through and genuinely wanted to help. I was so fortunate to Google stroke support and find this site! What a marvelous lot of people, not just back then but in all the years that followed, came into my life.
     
    So thank you Steve Mallory, thank you support people, thank you to all who maintain the site for all the help you have given to me and so many thousands of people, not just those who register but a great number who just read the information available on the site as a guest. No-one knows how many marriages have been saved and families held together by the kind words of a stranger. And to me none of you are strangers. I might never meet you (though I have met Babz (Barbara King) and Ann Rogers in person) but some tiny part of my heart is yours, you earned it by your comments on my blogs, your replies to my posts or your company in the chat room back when I did general chat and these days in the caregiver chat room.
    So there is only one thing to say: :You-Rock: and you should get a special award.
  5. swilkinson
    I just read Ann Rogers' blog. It was wonderful to meet up with Ann after the years of chatting to her here and on Facebook. As soon as we saw each other it was as if we had each found a sister, closer even than that relationship perhaps. We of the stroke community are all family because of the experiences we have shared in our journeys, we know it, Ann and I have proved it. We could have used a week of catching up but it was just a couple of days as I had other plans to follow but I am so glad we did it. Ann's son's wedding was a very special time too so I am glad I was there for that as well. All women love weddings, or most of us do and a wedding in England in a rural setting on a summer's day is one experience that is hard to beat.
     
    I had six weeks in England, spending a lot of it in the homes of cousins. I am not one for sightseeing and don't need to do something expensive, just being with people is my joy. When I visit I just do whatever the family is doing, going to school to watch their grandchildren at a sports day, going for a walk along a riverbank and trying to identify wild flowers ( I knew them all when I was seven) sitting under a tree with a picnic lunch and a cup of tea and talking, talking, talking. For me as a widow the talking is so important as I learn so much when sharing views, contrasting my life with theirs, looking at how the wisdom shared will fit in to my life the way I see it now. Of course the reflection comes later and I can see a few changes I can make without changing the integrity of my life.
     
    I was lucky as I went to one wedding and two wedding receptions as another cousin took me to the reception of one of their relatives, the young couple had got married overseas and gathered friends for a loud and noisy party afterwards, back in their home town. It was awkward for me (that Australian woman) to try and talk to someone about where their niece lived in Australia with a band playing loud African music and young people whooping and stomping as they danced. But ah! I was once like that too so I could smile indulgently. It is good to have happy memories and I have a few more to add to my collection now.
     
    One of the sadnesses of the visit was realising a much loved cousin now has dementia. He is the one with stories about my Dad as he is almost ten years older than me so remembers him before I was born. When people develop dementia it is sad as you realise all those precious memories will no longer be accessible to them and so will be lost forever. I could see his wife got annoyed when he "forgot" something she had asked him to do or came home without half the items on the shopping list so maybe she is in denial about what is happening to him. I hope when she does realise she will be able to put processes in place to make living easier for both of them.
     
    I did a little trip up to Scotland and back and one day in the Scottish Highlands it was 11 degrees Celsius and much colder in their summer's day than it was reported to be on the same wintry day in Sydney. Oh the winds blew and we all, dressed in our summer gear, went various shades of blue too. Everyone was happy to snap a picture and hurry back onto the bus. What a difference weather makes to a holiday. By contrast, the first week I was in England we had a day of 37 degrees Celsius, the hottest day they had had for decades. Mind you that was the day we should probably have gone swimming because although I packed a swim suit it never got wet.
     
    A holiday is also about the people that you meet, the cousins, the people at the wedding, the people on the bus tour. My room mate was a widow from New Zealand, we had both lost our husbands about the same time and had had a lot of experiences in common. We also have the same sense of humour so it was enjoyable getting to know her too. It is good to have someone to go around with for a while. We had lunch together most days, we didn't sit with the same people on the bus as the bus host put us together with other people so we would get to know the other singles on board of which there were seven including us, the rest being couples, the families with children or sisters travelling together. The driver was a patient man so didn't go off at us when we forgot the time or , like I did, waited at the wrong bus stop.
     
    We did taste test "haggis" and of course some Scotch Whiskey too. I am used to the soft wines of Australia so the full spirit taste of Scotch whiskey is not to my liking at all so the first and last taste of it. There were other tastes like ginger bread slices in Grassmere, the burial place of the poet Wentworth, and the local various cheeses none of which I could eat being lactose intolerant. And as on many tours we had English, particularly Tudor, history all around us, also Roman history in Bath and pre-history in some of the burial sites we saw. Our host was good at showing us sites steeped in history and we understood that on standing on one site we are dealing with all levels of history. England has preserved her historical sites well and gets better at it all the time. So I learned a lot of new things every day.
     
    But what I loved most was meeting Ann. Life is about what makes you strong and what makes me strong is the encouragement of others who say to me: "Go on, you can do it, I know you can." And that is what Ann has done for me for ten years and so have so many of you on this wonderful site. And so I give thanks, for all of my good friends and well-wishers and the joy of the new experiences of every day living.
  6. swilkinson
    As Steve is reviving "100 things you didn't know about me" I went back and found this old blog of mine called "Who am I?" which was a challenge from a member who was very active at that time called Susan Lowe. It is another way of putting together a list about yourself. Mine has a genealogical flavour (so I am a complex person...lol) and I thought I would revive it so you can use it as an example. Maybe you can see things in it that will inspire you to do one of your own.
     
    Who am I?
    I am from the long line of Winchester and Wood women, from double chins and strong hands holding children. I am from pioneers who went to Utah in the 1880's and my birth family who came to Australia in 1955, I am from Britain not England, from 1066 and all that and from the mists of Ireland and the highlands of Scotland.
     
    I am from the peace and quiet of the urban seaside suburb. Not from the house with the seaview but the scruffier, lower, poorer end of town where the common folk live, where you walk if you want to or drive if you have to. I can smell and hear the sea on a stormy night but don't have the spray on my windows or corroding my rooftop. I can see a scene so pretty that it is commonplace, a sunset to the west, a sunrise to the east. I wave to neighbours as they pass on their walk to the sea.
     
    I am from the weedy end of the garden. I thrive as the geranium thrives, run riot as a trailing ivy. I can withstand the storms of life as the eucalypt does, putting out fresh shoots after fire destroys the other trees in the bush. I am British by birth, Australian by choice and have the strength of the bullbdog and the leap of faith of the kangaroo.
     
    I am from the strength of my father who survived a prisoner-of-war camp and the endurance of my mother who worked in a factory making war weapons all day and cried herself to sleep at night worrying about my father. I am from the dirt of the south of England, seed to wheat, acorn to oak, sleeping plant to great blossoming in Spring. I am enduring, strong, and rooted in the soil but when the wind blows I shiver like the aspen and shake like the willow. Send the lightning to destroy me but I will endure.
     
    I am from the dialect of the peasant, from the sound of hammer on anvil, from the whine of the machine and the swish of the broom and the thud of the pick. I behold death in my parlour and the undertrodden at my table. I am generous with the little I have but never fear hunger. What we have we share.
     
    From the tales of Celtic holy men and the shout of the free thinker, from the chant of the wode and the yell of the pikemen come the accents of my speech. I am Boadicea and Hilda. I am from the times of old, from the years of tradition, from singing an old song and singing it well.
     
    I'm from the green and pleasant land, from the fighting force, from the gamble with death and the rising to life. I am from the bottom of the barrel and what is left when the rotten apple is thrown away and the old snuggle down to drink cider in the winter.
     
    From the sunlit story of Marjorie and Patrick, from the darker side of Elizabeth and Harold, from the "eyes averted" stories of Durkin family secrets. Who is Louis anyway?
     
    I am from the inside out, wrinkles, grey hairs, wisdom and kindliness. I am from the cluttered cupboards of my mind, from the treasure and the trash, from the laughter and the tears. I sprung not from the ocean like Venus but out of the ground like the trolls, or out of the heather like a lepricaun. I descend from a long lost Swedish g g grandfather and the "litte dark woman" my mother remembers as a child.
     
    Who am I?
  7. swilkinson

    winter ills

    By swilkinson,

    I had a few days away visiting with my daughter and my family, it was nice to be with them for my birthday, to have a present first thing in the morning from the grandkids and they sang "Happy Birthday" and made me feel special. We had a special dinner that night, leg of lamb with garlic and roasted vegetables, a huge feast for me. So it was all very nice. I took the friend I had staying with me down to my daughter's place and she enjoyed herself too. She comes from an inland town where they wake up to frosts this time of the year so she loved the milder weather on the coast. We had a couple of walks along the Lake edge in the warmer part of the day and there were black swans and cormorants and ducks to watch and plenty of other bird life to see.
     
    My friend is a talented craftswoman, wire worker and jewelry maker so I have a small tree hung with semi-precious stones and a spider brooch. I am not in that league craftwise. I still make crocheted or knitted rugs and that and scarves are the total of my talents. I wish I were cleverer but it is what it is. She did show me how to make a tree of life pendant but mine came out a little windblown and spindly. She went on to visit other friends on that part of the coast so I came home alone. It took a long time as buses replaced trains while track work was being done and the Sydney traffic was it's usual sluggish self.
     
    I am just getting over a cold. Right you say, a simple cold. I can survive harder things than a cold but it makes me whiny, it makes me yearn to be pampered and petted and given cups of tea in bed, on a tray, with a rose beside it and... I can think of a heap of things I want. This is one of the times reality bites and I do realise I am all alone with no-one to care for me. Of course the kids are sympathetic if I speak to them on the phone and say: "Get better soon Mum" and "Take care of yourself." but that is all. No-one comes and tucks me into bed with a hot water bottle, makes sure I have plenty of fluids etc. I'm guessing this sounds so familiar to a lot of you out there and you are all nodding in agreement.
     
    I am getting ready to go out to Broken Hill to see my son and my grand daughter next week and be there for part 2 of the custody case. There is nothing I can do of course except make sure my son has support. It should be cut and dried and the custody he has had so far will be reviewed and hopefully he will get greater access to his daughter the delightful Alice. She is a big three now and speaks quite nicely on the phone to Granny Sue. It will be great to see her in person and see how much she has grown. I do so miss having grandchildren living close by, mine are so scattered now.
     
    I went next door to have dinner with my next door neighbour and his partner who is up from Sydney for a week. He should have had a cataract operation on Wednesday but it has been postponed a couple of weeks, she had taken time off to look after him so came up anyway. We had a roast leg of lamb with garlic, roasted vegetables and gravy and it was a lovely meal and so nice to have company to eat it with. The old Dad is in respite care so Brett can just rest up for a while. Like all caregivers he has become sleep deprived and prone to colds etc so the extra rest will do him good.
     
    The new minister at our church is beginning to look around to see who does what in the parish so I am trying to step back and look like I am not engaging in the process. I have a holiday coming up and really don't want to get immersed in a new ministry until that is past. I am still tired from all the work I did before he came so I guess that is why I have the cold, too much energy expended, not enough rest. I need to remember that I am not the gal I used to be and give myself some down time from ministry and responsibilities. Harder to do than to say.
     
    So far there are no people really sick that I have to visit which is just as well as with the misty moisty days I don't want to be on the roads more than I have to. And fortunately I can't go into the nursing homes with a head cold, too many vulnerable people there. I don't think they want me to traipse in bringing my germs with me. But just give me a couple of days of full sun and I will feel every differently about life. Somehow sitting in the sun, walking in the sun, just being outside on a pleasant day gives me the energy to go on.
     
    Make the most of your summer, my northern hemisphere friends, winter will come to you soon enough and winter is not the most satisfactory time of the year with it's short gray days. Enjoy your sunshine going out for a while in the early morning or late afternoon on those days when it is too hot to be comfortable in the middle of the day. Venturing out into the great outdoors and looking around you is so good for your spirit, you will feel so much better for doing that. And roll on time till my next beautiful Aussie summer is here again.
  8. swilkinson
    I have been very busy lately too busy to have the time I need to do things at my own pace. I am having to remember I am getting older and need more down time so I have to think of the motto: "Live one day at a time". I understand the necessity for that when I look back at what happened during the week and it is just a blur. That is not the way I should live life at my age, life in the fast lane is for the young who have higher energy levels and a quicker recovery time.
     
    I am supposed to be changing some things in my life so I took on a volunteer job on another site but I can see already that it is not going to work. On here I monitor and comment on the blogs, do the Blog Report, do the chat on Tuesday nights with co-host HostSally. That is probably about eight to ten hours a week. I fit it in when I have the time, early mornings, afternoons, and late at night and that's fine. I cannot fit in another eight hours on another site, I don't know why I thought I could.
     
    My workload at church has been increasing, lots of the older people from our congregations are moving from their own homes into assisted living, hostels and nursing homes, it has been happening all year and as they move they seem to appear on my visiting list. I don't mind the visiting but when you look at ten people to visit once a month at an hour each not a problem, but then add people going to hospital (one hospital is 40 minutes drive away) and that adds hours to the workload. All I do is done as a volunteer, not even the parking fees are paid so money as well as time needed to volunteer for that.
     
    Don't get me wrong, I love the work I do, I enjoy seeing the smile on the person's faces when they settle down for a good old chat and the regret with which they see me leave. I remember so well the gratitude I felt towards the people who visited Ray. He used to sometimes remember those who visited him in hospital but in the nursing home he didn't remember the visitors but the other men in his room did. One would say to me: "Ray had a visitor earlier today, I think he put the card she left in the top drawer." Then I would look for it and find out who the kind person was who had been to visit. It may not have remained for long in his memory but it is still in mine so in a way hospital visiting is just a way of paying it forward for me.
     
    Our new minister is welcomed tomorrow night, the beginning of a new era. I do know him so am pretty sure we will work well together. He will just be settling in when I go on holidays so hopefully that will give him time to organize some changes and I will come back and find the routines changed and be okay with that. Well, that is my thoughts on the matter anyway. A period of adjustment all round I am guessing. I love my church and the people, well most of the people. There are always a few who seem to be out of step but that applies to all the organisations I belong to. Not all people cooperate and not all "pull their weight" as my Dad used to say.
     
    My son rang me tonight. He amused me as he described how he set off the alarm at one of the big complexes he cleans. The code had been changed and unfortunately someone had forgotten to notify his boss, so the cleaning team went in and off went all the bells and whistles, and that whole part of town woke up...chaos ensued. Of course it was nobody's fault, well no-one owned up to being at fault, so the good citizens hopefully turned over in their beds and went back to sleep. A lesson learnt.
     
    I seem to have more and more on my to do list and less time with the shorter days to do it all. I have the potting mix and the pots to repot the bromeliads into smaller clumps so I get the flowers next year and where is the time for that? Rain and wind has taken some of it and other activities have taken the rest. I do so miss someone to work alongside and still think if only I could have Ray back as his old active pre-stroke self, come forward to the age he would have been today how I would love that. We had such plans. Even this far out from his death I still sometimes think that way. Wishful thinking on my part.
     
    And so tomorrow is another day, a day already showing signs of being busy. I love to be busy, not sure like to be too busy. Do I long for days gone by? No I don't. Do I still miss Ray? Yes I do, 44 years of loving and looking after someone is not forgotten. That man is still in my thoughts. I guess he will be for a long time to come.
  9. swilkinson

    100 words

    By swilkinson,

    Do you remember the book: "I'll teach my Dog 100 words?" well we learn new words when we do something different in our lives. During my time as a caregiver I learned a lot of new words. I learned the meaning of therapy, rehabilitation, recovery, survivor, caregiver, isolation, rejection, loneliness. I learned what MRI, TIA and many other acronyms stood for. I learned about patience and I learned about what "till death us do part" really means. Above all I learned the real meaning of LOVE, that true loves that goes beyond the call of duty and beyond romance and passion and a lot of other emotions we mistake for love. Real love does go on and on and on, regardless of circumstances.
     
    Ray and I didn't have an always happy marriage, like most people we had good times and bad times, we had various levels of income but we still raised three kids and we somehow managed to pay off a mortgage and own a house. We looked after our kids , our parents and our neighbours and did all the right things as far as we were able to. But that did not save Ray from having the strokes. Bad things as we know do happen to good people. But good people have the power to somehow get through them, get over them and get beyond them.
     
    Somehow I am surviving widowhood. I never wanted to be alone and up till Ray's hospitalization, his moving into the nursing home and his death I had never been alone. That is apart from the various other hospitalizations, but they always seemed so temporary. Now my aloneness is permanent. I may or may not get a new partner somewhere in the distant future but for now it is just me. So I have to learn some new words like independence, handyman, publc transportation, instructions, directions and "damnitall" which was one of my mother's favourite expressions when something went wrong so I use it quite a bit. I am learning to adjust, I am learning that it is okay not to be able to do something, it is a hard learning curve.
     
    I am learning the beauty of Facebook chat. When it is 11pm my time I might be chatting to someone in America who is just getting up or someone in England who is just having lunch. I have a regular friend I talk to on Facebook, he is just a friend, nothing more. He remembers me from when I was 17 and we have both lived around the same areas for 50 years so have seen a lot of changes. Our chat can be about a place, a time in our era, household gossip as we still have some friendships in common. I am learning that people have similar interests but vastly different opinions to my own, that having limitations does not have to lead to disagreements, that friendship is an end in itself.
     
    I am learning that friendships overcome age barriers and my friends can be three, thirty three or ninety three and still be the best of companions. When you have a partner friends are not so important but when you are alone they are so much more important. Survival for me is based on relationships. I need people around me, I do enjoy solitude too but in small doses. So friends have in some way taken the place of my now scattered family. Friends are someone I ring in an emergency, to ask for advice, to ask for directions, to ask about something I have come up against but know nothing about. So I have learned that friends are an invaluable resource.
     
    I have learned the importance of social interaction. I learned here the importance of the Chat Rooms. When I started out as a chat host I did general chat and talked to a lot of survivors. This gave me a look into Ray's world. Ray could not tell me about his feelings, never could even before the strokes. So when I wondered how did he feel about having a stroke, his lack of independence, his need to be reliant on me I heard it in the stories of other survivors. Survivors and their stories helped me to get better picture of how the world looked to Ray and so I learned to adjust to his meaning of life, his needs, his life as it was now with all it's frustrations. I learned words like compassion, empathy, forgiveness, endurance, and learned words I never wanted to hear like incontinence and dementia (though that one I already knew as my mother had dementia).
     
    Then I started Caregiver Chat and other caregivers taught me that support was where you find it, that other people understand because they are in a similar situation and that others can share your emotions. I learned that I was never alone, that other people did think of me and prayed for me. We actually occupied the same time if not the same space even if they were not in the same room as I was. They too were sitting at their computers with tears running down their faces as we shared another's harrowing moments or learned that further deterioration of a friend's husband or partner meant they had to had to move into care. We shared whatever was causing us grief. And we learned to handle the ultimate grief, when death came as an end.
     
    And of course I am a wordsmith so have found much joy in blogging. I have a blog here, you are reading one of them now and one on widowedvillage too, which is my frustrations of widowhood blog. I started it for the reason that I didn't want this blog to deteriorate into a "poor me" blog about loneliness and all the troubles associated with widowhood, I want this blog always to reflect on the stroke journey which in a way will never be over for me as it dominated 22 years of my 44 year marriage, a big slice of my life. And because I still have friends here who understand.
     
    And so my life has always been a learning experience. I learn as I go along, hopefully I learn, adjust, accept and move on. But sometimes of course I get stuck in one spot for a while and grief has certainly contributed to that. But I know I will live long enough to learn another 100 words and maybe many more. I am hoping some of them are happy words like retirement, holidays, travel and include new experiences. We will have to wait and see.
  10. swilkinson

    on the beach

    By swilkinson,

    One of the things I realise I need to do as a widow is widen my world. When you are a caregiver your world narrows, in my case until the only focus was Ray. Ray's wellbeing, Ray's health issues, Ray's needs all dominated our lives particularly in the last few years of his life. Then when he died, followed by Mum's death two months later the grieving took over and that dominated my life. Then at two and a half years out I suddenly realised that if it was to be it is up to me. So now if someone asks me if I can do something and I have time available I do it.
     
    This morning I spend the morning on the beach, not sunbaking but volunteering at an Ocean Swim meeting. My next door neighbour was the organiser and he was short of volunteers so I went with him. I acted as general rousabout to the girls who did the registrations. With an all age range from 10 years olds to the over 70s there were a lot of people registered and time keeping was strict. I had never done anything like that before but if someone shows me what to do I am fine. And at the end, for being a volunteer I got a free t-shirt.
     
    I had forgotten how cold it can be at 7am and this morning was no exception. But by 10am it was beginning to warm up and by noon it was warm. The view across Terrigal Beach is spectacular and it was wonderful to be there instead of at home doing housework. I was envious of the fitness of some of the people my age as they swam either the one kilometre or two kilometre course and in one case both. Some people do really keep themselves fit.
     
    One thing that astonished me was that as the swimmers came out of the water a lot of them stumbled. One of the women who had been a competitor for many years told me that is because during the swim they hardly use their legs so when they get onto land the blood supply is in their arms. Made sense to me but was something I had never encountered before. Of course the younger men won the overall prizes but there were prizes for age brackets too so many went home with a prize and others with a happy smile because they had done a personal best.
     
    One good thing that happened to me this week was that a good friend came and cleaned out my gutters. During the really heavy rain of the rain event the gutters overflowed and water came in where my computer usually sits. I did have the laptop in the bedroom fortunately. Now it will be in the bedroom permanently as I worked out a way to use an old sewing machine cabinet of Mum's as a computer desk. It will be warmer in the bedroom winter nights too. So a little bit of a change of furniture to suit this new setup this week as well along with a general tidy up.
     
    It hasn't been such a good week in another way as I lost my car keys. It was my only set as Ray lost one on a hospital visit a few years back and I never replaced it so I will have to get the car rekeyed. Ouch!!! that is going to cost a lot of money. I am to blame as for some reason I got distracted and have no recollection of where I put them on Wednesday when I came inside from getting a hat out of the car because it was warm and sunny and I thought I would wear it when I did some gardening. Yes, I know, we all make mistakes.
     
    One thing that has become clear to me once again is that I work best as a member of a team, I am happy to occasionally be out the front leading but more comfortable when I have someone else, or several people working alongside of me. I guess this is one reason I felt so lonely after losing Ray. We were a team, as a couple we often worked side by side as volunteers as well as in the home. So it was Sue and Ray, or Ray and Sue depending where we volunteered. It was not until the last couple of years of his illness when we no longer did the Christmas Stocking ticket selling together that this partnership broke up.
     
    So today was another adventure where I can say "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it.
  11. swilkinson
    The rains continues to fall on my part of the coast. There was a two hour let up this afternoon so I scraped together piles of leaves and small branches to dispose of later. There is always something to keep us busy isn't there? There was the sound of chainsaws and grinders as people are slowly clearing the fallen trees from their properties. It is a shame so many aged trees went, it creates a new landscape in a way as you see homes that before were hidden by a row of trees. There are fences down everywhere too but fortunately in our area no loss of life.
     
    Did you miss me? I had a few days up at Gloucester with life long friend Jean. I went on Monday and came home on Thursday. Because of the washed away train tracks about half way between her place and here I traveled for six hours by bus, bus and taxi to get there. I had booked the journey two weeks before thinking it would be the usual journey to and from Gloucester, normally three hours by one of the XPT trains. Of course it took longer as buses had to be used due to rail line damage from last week's big storms. In fact the piece of line that was washed away, high on one of the rows of culverts used to divert a creek was blown up, which must have been spectacular.
     
    It was a great adventure getting there but well worth it. Jean's place is a place of peace, she is an artist and she and her husband have created a home that soaks up their amazing view of the nearby range of hills called the Bucketts. The view is different each morning as the morning mist rises and falls and obscures one section and then another. I would never tire of watching that happen, it is like a ballet performed by Mother Nature.
     
    We had a serious time talking over family matters. We have known each other since we were seven so with Jean as you would be with some of your close friends there is a lot left unsaid because we know each other's stories. I think that makes talking about serious matter easier. She has had one son divorce and get little custody of his children so knows what I am going through helping Trevor to get access to Alice and how a Granma's heart can break over a breakup involving children. It is a part of or modern day life of course but that does not make it easier to bear.
     
    We also talked over a lot of other problems, she has not been widowed but I found I could talk about that to her. Like me she was a telephone counselor so is a good listener. We spent most of the three days I was there talking. We were on call to help her husband with some house repairs, we are both good at holding a ladder, and took her little rescue dog for early morning walks. That was a wonderful way to start the day and reminded me I could maybe later have a little dog of my own again.
     
    Driving back from Jean's place I saw how much tree foliage was piled high on the roadside and even huge trees had been just bulldozed and pushed to the side of the road to allow traffic through. Some properties still had a tree over the roof and many had fences down and outbuildings destroyed. Such high winds, the same as if it had been a category 2 cyclone, means that anything with wind resistance was likely to be damaged. So much loss and destruction, such a loss of income and so many homes deroofed, these are of course now damaged by continuing rain fall. I am so lucky it was all concentrated further up the coast so my damage here is minimal and can be tidied up without resorting to having to hire someone to do the job for me.
     
    ​So my few days away were a real learning experience and I am ashamed I often complain over such a little when so many people have lost so much. But I am only one small human being in a large universe and sometimes that makes me feel lonely and inadequate.
  12. swilkinson

    a rain event

    By swilkinson,

    We are having flooding all up and down the coastal area where I live. There has been loss of life further up in the Hunter Region but here is is all nuisance flooding. Natural disasters bring out the best in people and in our area many people are helping their neighbours and maybe meeting them for the first time. I am lucky, so far little damage apart from an overflowing gutter on the back section of the house that brought water into my back room where the computer is usually sitting. It was sitting on my bed at the time so no damage apart from the desk itself which is pineboard but seems okay so far. I am typing on my laptop on the old sewing machine cupboard that once belonged to my dear Mum. It is not quite the right angle but okay.
     
    We don't have water at the moment as we are on the side of a hill and I guess the pumping station is now also without power but I do have stored water so the neighbours are coming over with buckets to get water for "flushing" and simple tasks like washing hands. Funny how we just take the supply of power and water for granted. My tank water isn't drinking water so we are all living on fruit juice instead of coffee. So we will all be much calmer. Further north of us there is serious flooding so we are well off by comparison.
     
    All of this makes me think about the future again. I know a lot of our retirement villages are in low lying areas and that will be a problem if our rain continues but so far all is soggy but navigable. Tomorrow I am going to have a drive around the area if the rain eases off as is predicted and see where the roads can be cut off and where the flooding is, I like to know how areas cope with rainfall, don't want to be cut off if I choose to go with the retirement village option which I may do as it means all the maintenance is covered in the basic fee. Looking around here there are going to be a few handyman hours to pay for to get the yard back into shape. And also hiring a tree lopper as I can see some of the gum trees need a trim to make them safe..
     
    I have so much leaf litter you can't actually see the grass but that will be easy to rake up when the fine dry weather comes back again, which inevitably it will. The big excitiement was the loss of two trees on the back of the house two doors over. For those of you who remember the fence debate here they were the last of the tall pines and having shallow roots they succumbed to the flow of water and fell sideways across the disputed fence and into the yard next to me. The next door neighbour called in a favour and soon had the tree loppers in his yard chopping and chipping so the trees were soon just piles of sawdust and mulch. There is now a gap in the fence on the other side so I am sure he will as efficiently see to that problem as soon as the rains are over.
     
    Will it continue to rain tomorrow? It seems the weather forecasters disagree on that. I hope the crisis is over and we can get back to normal again. But for some the devastation will be too much and there will be deaths, always is after a traumatic event like this.There ave been the sound of ambulances all day and one of our church ladies was rushed to hospital overnight due to a heart attack. I will visit her as soon as the roads are clear again. Apparently there have been a lot of trees across the roads in some of our tree lined roads so it is not easy to get around the area right now.
     
    So my friends, if you see reports on the news of our floods and the deaths just know that I and my family and friends are all safe so far. Just keep us in your prayers till this is all over.
  13. swilkinson

    Thinking "peach"

    By swilkinson,

    Many years ago this site I posted a blog in which I compared talking to people who are friendly, interested and concerned but not quite on the same wavelength as being like people thinking about a pie,. Yum we say, but you are thinking blueberry and I am thinking peach. That is where I find myself right now. I had a few days down with my daughter and it was good, the grandkids and I did things together and I had a good talk with my daughter and another with my son in law. I realized they have no concept at all of my present life. They have a busy life, kids, the congregation they care for and each other. It is nothing like that for me. So they think blueberry and I think peach.
     
    The busy Easter season is over but already I have another funeral to go to and two new people in hospital to visit and other cares and woes seem to be creeping in as the oldies catch the first colds and flus of the season. Bah Humbug! So the caring role continues to take up my spare time and that feeling that hovers between feeling useful and feeling used up comes back. I keep saying this will change with the advent of our new minister but will it? Will he/she take up a position of authority, reshuffle the load and take up the slack? Yeah right!
     
    Do you get the impression I am feeling sorry for myself? You are right, I have the pre-winter blues. It rained every day I was down at my daughter's place. We did manage a trip to the local shopping centre and went to the movies where we saw "Home" a wonderful children's movie with some home truths for parents and some deeper meaning for us older and wiser heads. Just loved it. We then got a heap of rental movies and every day was a good day for a couple of movies so I think I am up to whatever the kids have been watching the past few months. Some good thought provoking movies there too. I must get out more!
     
    I came back a day early to catch up with my older son and his partner. He was up to sign the divorce papers so Pamela and he will get divorced and it looks like it is going to be Alison forever now (however long forever lasts these days) and so I have to think of her as his partner and maybe one day his wife. Big leap forward for me. But I can do it, I am accustomed to changes in my life so I guess this will be just another one. I know a lot of you have been there before me so I can plaster that smile on my face and look as happy as I can manage for them. He never asks how I am dong, basically is not interested in my life at all so no deep and meaningful talks ever happen with that one.
     
    My younger son and his little daughter talked to me on the phone while I was down at my daughter's place. He has his troubles but seems once more to be overcoming them. I guess he is the nearest to my personality and uses the same methods of coping. One day at a time, just keep busy, just keep moving forward when you can. He loves the access days with his daughter and that makes the hard work of his job (he is a commercial cleaner) seem worthwhile. He knows this can end at any time but is okay with that. I think he is more mature in a way than his older brother as life has slapped him around a bit as it has me and so he too has that "wisdom born of pain" and we probably both think "peach".
     
    And so life goes on, church, Lions, lunch with friends when that happens, housework, gardening, talking to the kids once a week on the phone...anything wrong with this picture? Yes, where is the purpose of it all? Where are the signposts saying "walk this way", "sunny corner", "Pathway to Happiness"? Okay I am speaking to the wrong people here, for all of you, like me, have had a pathway shadowed by stroke. We no longer believe there is a pathway to happiness, more like a pathway to h*ll so silly me, thinking that happiness is out there somewhere waiting for me to find it eh? But it is all around me, I know that, in the faces of friends, in the very air some days when the sun is shining and the birds are singing. It is only on the grey days I just don't see it.
     
    Yesterday I visited two old friends both in care facilities, one is very philosophical about life, has been in the nursing home for four years but still really struggles to find good in each day sometimes. I understand that when the news of the day is who died last night and nothing much, except visitors like me turns the day back to normal. The other is still in assisted living but in a place that is no longer full, people want more space and light than the place has to offer so activities are few, the bus has been sold off and she is mainly in her room except for meals. In her nineties she is something of a philosopher too so does think in terms of the good place she has, the help she gets, the occasional company she has when one of her family members comes in for a chat. I will be her one day I guess.
     
    So there is plenty of work to do in the garden while the good weather holds, bromeliads breeding like rabbits so slice and dice them and repot them to go into the garden at a future date or give away to friends, you know the drill, leaves to rake, areas to clear of weeds. But do wish I had a companion to work with or someone to simply come to the back door and say: "Is it time for a break, I could do with a cup of tea myself".. The widow life for me is a lonely life.
  14. swilkinson

    keeping busy

    By swilkinson,

    I haven't posted a blog because nothing has changed, nothing has stood out in my memory with sparkle. So just plodding along here doing what has to be done. I had a disappointment on Monday when a friend I was expecting for lunch didn't turn up. No explanation, no phone call so hope it wasn't me that had got the date wrong. This is a friend of long standing who is usually trustworthy so maybe the trip she planned didn't happen...without an explanation who knows? I think I do better with that sort of thing than I used to...getting more philosophical in my old age...but was I annoyed at the time? You betcha.
     
    Yes, the days are getting shorter and cooler and on the long weekend for Easter we change our clocks back. Not looking forward to that. We have had some autumn storms, it rained so heavy on Monday night I thought it was going to flood down inside but it didn't. I have three sets of guttering on the back roof so it was just overflowing from one section to the next and sounded like cyclonic rain but next day it was all bright sunshine again. The boys always cleaned the gutters out and now I have no-one to do that so I guess I had better find myself a handyman who can still get up on a roof.
     
    My life seems to be full of dead ends at the moment. I am trying to make a few small changes and every time I attempt one it seems to be on the wrong day at the wrong time. So maybe I had better be at peace with where I am now and stop struggling with this balancing act. I am still busy at church and that is maybe complicating things for me. However once Easter is over maybe life will slow down a bit again. There is a heated hydro pool not too far away so I might drop in there and see how much a session it is as that would be good for winter. I did think of line dancing as a suitable winter exercise but no, that is on my Craft day. I said I was willing to go to Jazz on Sundays with another widow but no, she has something else on Sunday afternoons, looking after a grandchild while the mother takes the other one to dancing classes.
     
    In case life gets boring I am starting to sort through those unfinished projects again. Got a few dozen crocheted squares that are going to make a rug, got a pile of old wool with no plans so have to go through the animal book and find some small patterns for knitted bears. I think those kind of jobs are idea for winter as I can do them any time I am free, no equipment needed just a bag with the pieces I am working on. A friend asked me if I was a workaholic and I said no, I just like to keep busy...lol. Which is a left over from my days as a caregiver as then I was busy, really busy, so now I am just filling in time.
     
    Just talked on chat about what is "real" in our life. I think a lot of it is subjective and about our preconceptions. What is a good day? When I was a caregiver it was a day when nothing much happened, when Ray was not incontinent, not sick, was co-operative and easy to look after,. That definition is so different now, to me a good day is socially diverse, full of activity and at the end of the day I feel satisfaction in having just lived it. And there are more of them now. And it was good to have Pam (SassyBetsy) and Mary (Mary Goldberg) come for a visit to our chat room too. I do enjoy the different perspective having a stroke survivor join us brings.
     
    But I do enjoy a peaceful day too, not a day with nothing to do but a day when I can choose what to do and at the end of the day have simply enjoyed it. That is the new skill I am learning now, to be content to be alone. Although I would like a new someone in my life I still need to learn to be on my own and enjoy my own company. I know this is the next thing for me to work on and I am doing it. But keeping busy helps too.
  15. swilkinson
    What do I do with my time? Life seems to be full on at present with the new minister not selected yet and a lot of my time taken up with extra church services and of course visiting in nursing homes. I now have nine little old ladies to visit, two of them are personal, a lovely lady Lion who had a stroke and has been in a nursing home now for four years and my daughter's godmother who lives in the assisted living units in the same complex. The rest are church people but now in two facilities not one. For some reason it has taken me two weeks to visit them all and I now have an extra person to visit so it is taking me forever.
     
    Easter and the time leading up to it is a time for contemplation and renewal. In the northern hemisphere with the ice melting, the streams running full and all the baby birds and animals I guess that is a time for rejoicing too. Here in Australia where we are going from summer into winter it is a time for thankfulness for what we have had and sobering thoughts of what may lie ahead for us as winter approaches so a time to ask for courage for the journey. We need a lot of courage as death stalks the old ones and we hear tales of the horrendous flus and viruses to come.
     
    On my widow journey it is time to plan for the days when all doors are shut and people stay inside and I will be alone and feeling the loneliness once more. I need piles of books, plenty of craft material so that when the days are short and grey and gloomy I can sit down alone and keep myself busy. Hopefully too busy to throw a pity party. I can still get out but a lot of the ladies I have coffee with will not risk the shops during cold and flu season so I don't see them for a while. Luckily I have not been too badly affected in the past so hope to go through winter without too much bother this year too.
     
    One of the ways I can keep in touch during the colder months is via Skype and Facebook chat. This week I was lucky enough to speak to my grand daughter Alice on Skype. She has no concept of distance at 2 1/2 so thinks Granny lives close by. On Skype I play games, this week I was a crocodile and snapping at her so she would run away from Trevor's computer screen screaming, come back and say :"Do it some more." I love to talk to her on Skype as I know that way she will not forget who I am. It is important that she remember me. I just wish she was a whole lot closer so I could drive to where she lives.
     
    I am on Skype and talk to Jeannie (jeanniebeannie) and at first we laughed at each others accents but now we just talk as old friends do. It is more personal than typing chat and in a way the facial expressions help. Of course it is distracting too. But it is good to have access to friends in many ways, the phone, the computer or tablet or whatever you have and if you can do it, in person. It is unlikely to happen with so many of you who are my friends here on Strokenet because of the distance in between us but who knows? sometimes life surprises us. And there is a place for members meeting members to post on the forums so if you are lucky enough to meet up with someone else from Strokenet then you can post your pictures in the gallery and do a post there.
     
    Daylight saving finishes for us on Easter Sunday. I will be sorry to lose the longer evenings but already there are plenty of signs that winter is coming. I have missed the outdoor BBQs Trevor used do for us, the scent of the spicy chicken wings he used to cook in his own round BBQ with special herbs and spices and all the usual family summer fun. With the family so scattered none of that happened. So sad. I don't know how to introduce any of the summer fun back into my life. I guess I will have to find my own ways of celebrating summer, of doing the changes of the seasons and of celebrating my own milestones now.
     
    I have been swimming a few times at one of the safer beaches. With so much church work that has been about the extent of my personal time, most of it has been spent at home catching up with the housework. I am busy because I choose to be busy. Busy for me as always had the effect of reducing my moping time. All the time I am busy I don't have time to do a "poor me", all the time I am busy I feel useful. I told an old friend tonight that I don't have time to think if I am busy and I do worry sometimes, about the intrinsics of ageing, growing old alone, and the question "who will look after me when I am old" always pops into my head whether I like it or not.
     
    And so it is time to say farewell to summer, sleeveless dresses, shorts and tops, sandals and what you call flip flops and we call a pair of thongs. It is time to look at the winter wardrobe and see if it is wearable, fashionable doesn't come into it. I have recycled my clothes over so many years it is hard to tell what era the garment is from, but that is okay as long as it suits me. I am no fashionista and come from the era of co-ordinated skirts and jackets so plenty for me to wear. And that coupled with the things to keep me occupied there is nothing more I really have to do to prepare physically for winter but a lot I think to do mentally to prepare myself for that bleak season.
  16. swilkinson
    Life has some strange co-incidences sometimes. I had a wonderful morning out, a walk beside the Lake, went to the movies to see : "The Second Best Exotic marigold Hotel" then did some shopping and finally had lunch in a place we used to go to as a family. I was the only customer and the partner in the business who I have known since he was a teen sat down and told me all his troubles. He is the owner's son and really her caregiver as well as she has had mini strokes. She still works in the kitchen but only at lunchtime which is their slack time. I finished up with his life story. Very interesting that people know who they can confide in.
     
    He has some resentment and some regrets. I understand that as I listened to him tell me about "those who won't step up to the plate", he is a baseball player so that phrase was no surprise, and how he feels in a way he has been cheated as he stepped forward when his Dad died and now life is passing him by. So easy to feel like that. I suggested he looks at it as a life choice with it's own rewards, he lives in one of my favourite beauty spots, has a lot of freedom in the middle of the afternoon, has a respectable if not well paid job, is a good son to his mother (important as he is Hong Kong Chinese). And will eventually reap his reward, he is a Christian so believes that.
     
    It made me think about my own resentments and regrets. If you are a regular reader of this blog you will know a lot about that, if not pick at random half a dozen or so blogs from the years 2008 - 2011 and you will see a lot of them listed. I regret some of the times I was impatient with Ray, some of the nonsense I listened to from the medical profession, some of the opportunities we missed, some of my own actions when things went wrong and I threw a pity party for one. Of course from that part of my journey I learned strength and patience and a kind of loving kindness towards others that is simply a reflection of what others showed me in the bad times.
     
    Now I do try to live without resentments and regrets. It is because I am slowly learning wisdom. Some of that I owe to Asha who has patiently taught me to go with the flow, from Sarah who has a terrific sense of humor despite the fact that she has had life much harder than I have and from Steve Mallory who is a shining example of how a person with faith tries to help others. Building this site was an act of genius and who knows how many people have been saved because of it, myself among thousands of others. I am so grateful that I found this site when I did and so many people have been there to support me and show me such great kindness.
     
    I have resented that my children have moved away but I am slowly seeing that this is giving me an opportunity to grow in a new direction. If they were closer maybe I would rely more on them and not on myself. By myself I can work out a new life. I know I cling to the past a little too much and need to "move on" but we all do make our own way through life at our own pace, so that is okay. I need time to work in my favour, smoothing out the edges of my grieving pain , allowing me to go slowly in a new direction, learning to be more independent. I want to change without losing the gains I have made on the stroke journey.
     
    Sometimes I ask myself if I need to leave the stroke journey behind now but I think the answer is still "no", I need to keep on supporting others in their journey. I gained so much wisdom on the journey that to turn away from it now would be to put that aside also. I know in my church work and in my daily life I will continue to be able to help others simply because I have been there, done that. I know what it is like to be a full-time caregiver, how time slips by, how tired you get, how frustrated you get, how only people who have gone through the same thing, whatever caused them to become a caregiver, can truly know what you are going through. So I think I still know all of that and can share that and feel empathy for those still engaged in the struggle.
     
    Is it still useful for me to be a chat host? Not a lot of people are coming into Caregiver Chat so I don't know that I really need to stay on there. I want to continue on with the Blog Moderator job and will continue to post comments on the forums but because of time restraints I may give up the hosting for now. I think HostSally does an excellent job and maybe someone else with a fresh approach to caregiving could help her to keep the chat going. I will discuss that with some of the other support staff to see what they think.
     
    As most of you readers know church work takes up a lot of my time and I really do need more time for friends and family. I need to visit my daughter and her family more as she has mentioned that several times recently in our phone conversations. I haven't been down there for months and of course I also have my two sons and their families to visit too, flying being the best way in both cases. I am reminded that time is short as I found out today that one of the cousins I stayed with in England lost his son to misadventure recently. James was a vibrant young man, full of life which he lived at full speed. Life is short and we need to keep ourselves in touch with the extended family too to live without regrets.
     
    My life is not perfect so I am still a work in progress, and I do hope I am progressing and growing in wisdom too. If I am growing in wisdom I have a lot of you to thank. So thank you just for reading this as well as for all your kind comments and ongoing support. (((hugs))) from Sue.
  17. swilkinson
    Today I am thinking how nice it would be to have someone to tell me : "there, there, it will all be okay soon." Yesterday was not a good day. I went to a church meeting, did my part of the service, just a reading, didn't stay for morning tea as I was feeling sick, got out of the car in my driveway and I was sick. I was lucky to get out of the car I guess. Was sick on and off for a while and then had a shower and spent most of the day laying down, feeling sad and sorry for myself. That is when I really feel alone. Not one of the kids could get here if I was really ill so guess I would have to call an ambulance and submit to the professionals for help. Of course my next door neighbours were both away so who do you call on?
     
    It is times like this I really miss having someone else around. Having someone saying comforting words, having someone else make a "nice cup of tea". I felt the same way when I was a full-time caregiver so now at least there is no other person I am responsible for. I am so sorry caregivers, I can just rest when I know you can't and like me will still yearn for that mother-like figure who can make it all better. I guess we never grow out of that.
     
    Not a bad week all told, got some more of the gardening done, managed to get through my routine okay, all the boxes ticked. On the other hand I didn't really connect with anyone last week, sometimes I still feel the disconnection between myself and others. I even miss the everyday contact I used to have with the carers we had the last couple of years of Ray's life here. I didn't get to chat as I couldn't log in, I seem to have some computer woes right now. I think there is a problem with connectivity as sometimes I can get onto all my favourite sites and sometimes I can't, the computer seems to fail to find them. Better save up for another laptop as I guess they only have a few years of life before they quit.
     
    Had another cancellation as I was supposed to go and stay with a girlfriend who lives two hours away for a couple of nights next week. This is the second time she has postponed the visit so I'm guessing talking on the phone to me is all she wants. The trouble for me is I have a few friends like that, they invite me to "come anytime" and if I suggest a date they back off. I don't think it is necessarily connected to me being a widow but it may be. This is a busy world we live in so maybe time is too precious to waste on visitors?
     
    I'm realising how much I miss company since I came home from Trevor's place. He wasn't there a lot as he was working but I was okay with that as I knew he would be back sooner or later. Those last 12 years with Ray got me used to someone being right here for companionship and it is hard to get away from that. I was never told this was another aspect of long term caregiving that the personal space came to fit the situation so now I am grieving for that constant company that living with Ray ensured. Now the house seems empty and when no-one is about I feel lonely. I thought I would feel free but that doesn't seem to be the case.
     
    We are each subject to different triggers and I am learning more about mine by chatting to an old friend on Facebook. He has been alone for a long time and my complaints about loneliness and wanting someone to be here are a mystery to him. He just gets up and starts each day with a list in his head of things he wants to get done and that is his day. I think because he also works part-time he has a better work/life balance than I do. Maybe if I looked at my church activities as "work" and my time at home as "leisure" I would find life more satisfactory. Then time away would be "holidays" and I would feel as if I deserved them? It is just a thought I am considering.
     
    I am off to the WAGS group this morning, just to catch up with my old friends from that group and to a church meeting this afternoon. That will fill in the day. Thank goodness I feel like a human being today, that has to be a good thing. I've got to make the most of the next few weeks before the warmth goes out of the summer, the days draw in and we are set towards winter again. Then I will be moaning that there is too little time in the day. Never happy eh?
  18. swilkinson
    Did you miss me? I just came back from Broken Hill where I had a week with my younger son. I went up to support him when he went to the Family Court to gain access visits with his daughter Alice. It is so sad that a marriage break-up causes such pain, not just to the couple but to their families as well. I have really missed seeing her and talking to her on Skype. It is a difficult journey in a way but I am glad I went as he said it had made a difference to him.
     
    I got to spend Thursday with my grand daughter Alice, last time I was able to do that was almost a year ago. She is a lively two and a half year old and at the end of the ten hours Trev had her for I think all three of us were worn out! She took some pictures with my camera and I put some on Facebook, it is like a little view into her world. I was so glad the Judge said the access could start right away so I got to spend that day with her as I flew home the following day.
     
    Where Trevor lives it is semi arid, almost a desert and I think I learned a valuable lesson there. The homes are often old miners cottages which have been added onto and made more modern but are still simple in style. I looked at how Trevor has furnished his home and it is very simple yet serviceable. I need to simplify my own home to make it easier to live in and easier to feel relaxed in. He said it is time to get rid of what I don't want and just keep a few things that I feel have real value for me. It is another way of saying that I need to declutter my life and I do. I need to look at what I want and how I want to live. It is hard to do I know but it is time for that review.
     
    It is a time of change, for my son who now sees himself as a part-time single Dad and to me as I ease further into the single life. I know nothing has been resolved but the good days, the days without tears, now far outweigh the bad days. Sure I am sometimes going to feel lost and lonely but other times I am going to feel confident making a decision and happy with the results. After almost two and a half years I still look back longingly to being a wife and a daughter but I am still a mother, grandmother, neighbour and friend to many, a volunteer in my church and on here and many other things. It is just I am also Sue Alone.
     
    My work in the church will change as I think the panel have a new minister in mind. It will be a while before we, the plebs, are told who he/she is and when he/she will take over the reins but whoever it is will make changes to the ministry team and that might mean changes to what I do now. That is okay, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have made big life changes before so what is one more...lol. I know I can pull back if I need to. The ability to say yes or no to a decision does make a difference. I couldn't always do that when Ray was alive, so now I can.
     
    I have a joke with my children that I have not found them a step-daddy yet. I don't expect to really. Such relationships are complicated and buying into a family with families of their own is a daunting task. I have a few friendships in mind but nothing is happening in any of them right now. Aussie men are marriage shy and that is what it means to have a relationship as a Christian woman - marriage. So that is probably not a part of my future.
     
    I do have friends in real life and in cyberspace, I do have good neighbours, old school friends I am still in touch with and acquaintances that I have collected in my life who I still hang onto and hope to drag into my future. I do not give up easily on friendships. But I am 67 not 17 and have to think about life on that basis. I can survive alone. I have done so for the past four and more years as I lived here alone while Ray was in the nursing home. It is so hard to let go of a companionship that was built up over 44 years. I still miss that man of mine..
  19. swilkinson
    This blog is a few comments I would like to make about funerals. Only read it if you want to. I know sometimes we don't want to read about such a topic but it is one I have had a lot to do with so I am expressing some personal opinions, not writing a handbook.
     
    Whenever I post on Facebook or on here that I have been to a funeral a lot of people say they are sad for my loss etc. I do pastoral care in our church so I go to a lot of funerals. For me this is the end of the journey, the past is past, there is no need to do anything except to be present. People often can't understand the practice of presence but it is part of spirituality for me. Maybe that is a bit “zen' but I know one of the first things people ask after a funeral is:”how many were there?” as if numbers show the regard in which the person was held.
     
    Well of course numbers are not important as you would have to factor in a lot of variables like how old the person was, number of family members living close, closeness of neighbours etc. But I like to think me being there is a plus. It is nice if the people there are also known to the family but in a lot of cases, here especially, the adult children scatter and know very few of Mum or Dad's friends. If they are churchgoers and the children are not of course they don't know these dear friends of theirs that see them every Sunday.
     
    A lot of families look at the funeral as the last thing they could do for the one they love so much, so I often hear someone say:"she would have loved this" or to an old friend "Dad would have loved you telling that story, he always laughed when he heard it". Everyone at the funeral is grieving in their own way. Even people like me who hardly knew the person, except in their last few years. I grieve for their loss, the smile I got when I visited, the few stories I had the privilege to share. I also get to know a bit about the family so I sort of recognise them from old photos so can be confident when I say: “You must be Bob”.
     
    I went to a funeral on Monday and the daughter was the only one of three children able to attend but she and her husband read out letters from the other two siblings. It was different but nice. On Wednesday I went to another, small family, low key, not as much time spent on the eulogy, one hymn, for a lady who was very quiet so reflecting her personality. I loved her for her comforting silence when she sat next to me in my pew after my husband Ray died. Sometimes we don't need to hear words to know someone loves us.
     
    The funeral is hard to get through for every family, it was for me when my Dad died in 2000 and then my husband Ray in September 2012 and Mum in November 2012. But I really appreciated the effort old friends of mine and of the other person made to be there, some from quite a distance away. We all express love in a different way and for some it is to make sure they are there for the final good-bye even if they haven't seen the person in some years but still have fond memories of them.
     
    When Ray was so sick and no-one visited me I got very tired and cranky as you all know and would vent about those who had abandoned us. I haven't changed my mind about that but I have cut them some slack so if someone comes up to me and says hello and reminds me that maybe they haven't seen me for a while but am glad to see I am okay etc I accept that as if it is an apology.
     
    There is comfort in the love and respect others show for your family by being at the funeral. If I can I will go to the funerals of those last few friends of Mum and Dad's too. It took a lot of self talk to go at first while I was still in mourning but I did it. If you find it hard to go to funerals but actually can get there take a deep breath and be the person your loved one would want you to be. I know Mum or Dad would like Julie and I as the remainder of the family to honour their wishes. I can, Julie can't, we are very different in personality and in situation. I loved Mum and Dad and knew most of their friends, living close to them was an advantage in that way.
     
    I hope what I have shared here resonates with you. It is a tough subject but one we have to face up to as our loved ones age and die. Comments very welcome as usual.
  20. swilkinson
    Last time I wrote a blog I was still hopping around on a foot and a half, now I am back to walking on both feet and wearing some nicer shoes. Unfortunately the new skin blistered and now I have a whole other problem, sometimes you can't get anything right. I am just fillng in summer with some gardening, and extra tasks, this week it was attacking the cobwebs and just general tidying up. I don't feel a compulsion to do a lot, I am finally learning to pace myself., just maybe I am getting older and wiser at last....hmm. Besides it is still humid so easy to get tired.
     
    We have had a few mild and sunny days, it has been really nice weather, heading for a scorcher next week but that is the Aussie summer for you and somehow it all forms the weather patterns we accept as being normal for this time of the year. The summer comes with the usual work, watering the gardens, pulling out grass along the picket fence at the top side of the house, working on the shrubs. Today I went to WAGS ( the stroke recovery group) and overheard one of the caregivers saying she had been to a seminar on roses and you have to feed them every six weeks and water them weekly, no wonder mine look like bean stalks and don't flower. Repeat : I must do better, I must do better.
     
    Sadly one of our long term attenders, who used to be our photographer was resigning today, age, stroke damage and scoliosis has made sitting for long periods of time in hard chairs impossible and so he is curtailing his activities, he is only a year older than me so it is sad. We had three new couples join today, it is always the first meeting of the year that connects new members referred by their physio or their neurologist. We welcome all comers and it is good to have some younger ones come into the group. Anther young woman said she stroked three weeks after giving birth and she and her Mum were there. The baby is eleven months old now and Mum has moved in permanently to take care of her and the baby
     
    I went to lunch with some of the group afterwards and spoke to a couple of the new people. I always like to hear the stories and feel that sometimes my listening to them helps in some way. One man seems stuck at the landslide caused by his strokes eight years ago. As sadly some do he lost his business, his wife and his family. Naturally he is bitter. I hate what happens to people through no fault of their own. Life is tough for some people isn't it? Another was telling me how far he had come since the strokes three years ago and said he had a feeling that things were turning around for him now. Such a contrast of emotions from the two survivors.
     
    Another two funeral week coming up. People ask me if funerals make me sad, on the whole they don't, for me death is just the end of life. Neither of the people who's funeral I a going to are close relatives so I am only attending as a courtesy to the families, it is part of what I do in the church. I think of it as another form of pastoral care. But this is also Messy Church week so that is tomorrow afternoon and as usual will be a lot of noisy and boisterous fun with lots of kids and young parents enjoying the craft work and games. Me too for that matter as I have honorary Granny status with some of the kids. I love it, it lifts my spirits.
     
    I was laughing today about Ray's cake addiction and telling another newbie survivor new to the WAGS group how the Scallywags used to pass what was left of the cake from their lunches down to Ray causing the fuss in the middle of the night after, with his diabetes out of control and other issues. It is good now that I can look back at that and laugh and it is not a serious issue any more, just another Ray and Sue story to tell. I guess that is true of all of the happenings now, the sting has gone out of them and they are just part of the way things were. For those reading this I want to say: enjoy life as you go along and you will always have happy memories to look back on. It is not easy to do, but it is worth it.
  21. swilkinson
    The rains are here. In either January or February we have a long rainy period, today is the third day of what will probably be a week of coastal rain. As a single person I don't have a lot of stimulation so dull rainy days whether in winter or summer affect my mood. I cried over Ray for the first time in a while. I was thinking he should be having a nap now. It is strange how I don't think of him hourly but still daily. For so many years I planned his life almost hour by hour and now I still think of him as part of the daily routine: "Today I will do... and Ray will do...no wait, he isn't here now." It is two years, four months, eight days, and I still miss him so much.
     
    I was just reading Jeri's blog about her father speaking of his late wife as if she is still here. I think that is very easy to do, so many memories are tied up in the one we lost. I would say : "I wish Ray was here because he would know what to do." thinking back not to how he was when he died but how he was before that, the strong man, the clever handyman, the fount of all knowledge in some areas, like why the car is making that funny noise. Of course I often disputed what he said, I can be a smart mouth sometimes, but I still relied on him for a lot of advice. We were married for 44 years so how could I not?
     
    Yesterday, in desperation,despite the downpour, I went shopping and found a couple of people I knew out and about, no offers of coffee but that was okay, I can sit by myself anyway. I learned to do that in my "time out" times when Ray had a carer in to mind him. Sometimes it feels as if that is still the case and I am simply away from home, filling in time. February will see the end of that as all my regular activities will start up again and I will be busy, busy, busy. A bit like the mouse on the wheel but I can hop off whenever I want to, or so I tell myself.
     
    I had a busy, happy Australia Day long weekend, something to do every day from Friday to Monday, most unusual for me. Such a contrast to my lonely Christmas but then that is down to me too, to plan things better. Next Christmas a few of us older widows have decided to get together if nothing more interesting is on offer. I have to remember that saying: "if it is to be it is up to me". That is a single woman's mantra. And I have to learn to plan trips and travel independently too. No more waiting for someone else to make the suggestion. It is "atta girl Sue" and away I go.
     
    We have so many forms of communication now and yet I can still feel lonely. I look at the phone and wonder who I can ring and find someone home who wants to talk to me for a while. The world is full of busy people and so if I talk for 20 minutes to someone that is a bonus. "I am sorry I just have to..." is one of the excuses I hear and I also use myself. Sometimes it is the truth, some times it is only an excuse I know. That is okay, they are allowed not to talk to me if that is their choice, they have not experienced the loneliness of widowhood yet.
     
    I am lucky on Facebook that my north American friends are just getting up as I am going to bed so I can talk to Sarah from Strokenet as she is putting her dogs out. I can also talk to a friend in Western Australia (three hours behind my time) as she is just settling down for the evening. My older friends talk about Facebook as if it is a scourge but I find it handy for that laugh at some of the funny postings, that stimulating thought as many of my Christian friends post some word of wisdom or an insight into another's way of life in postings and pictures. Like the blogs here that feeling of being in touch, of knowing where people are on their journey is important to me.
     
    I have been outside sweeping some of the water away from the back door, the back yard is drenched after three days of heavy rain so it is like a slow waterfall in places and really there is nowhere for the water to go. The fence is a barrier now and I'm guessing I will be out rediggng the drains on the other side of the block as soon as the rains clear. That is always a job that needs doing. Never mind I have been doing it all myself for many years now and the leaves still fall and block the drain off. I know the gums are a problem but I look out on leaf and flower and enjoy that view so they are here to stay. So plenty to do when the rains are over.
     
    In our household in the teen raising years, if you said you were bored you got to vacuum clean the house. I almost said that to a friend this morning. I think I need to get up and do that housework that needs doing. I will be back later for the Caregiver Chat of course. No more sitting here thinking blue thoughts on a rainy day.
  22. swilkinson

    few problems to solve

    By swilkinson,

    Last Thursday I had a dramatic incident. I came down the back of my house block carrying one of the planters and stood on the upturned prongs of an old fashioned metal rake. It went into my foot through my shoe. I sat down and cried with the pain, yelled “help” to see if anyone would come and then decided I had to do something about it. I weighed down the rake with bricks and slowly pulled my foot off it. Ouchy! That was painful.
     
    I rang my daughter-in-law and she advised bathing it in salty water for half an hour or so, then going to the doctor the next day for a tetanus needle and antibiotics. Good idea. So I did that. He said not to drive for few days and he was right, not good if you can’t put pressure on your right foot. So I was housebound for several days. Only felt as if I was safe driving today, one week later.
     
    Of course bad things never come singly do they? If my answers to blog have seemed strange it is because I have had computer problems. One stuck key. It is strange to try to write sentences without an “A” in it, really strange. I tried writing only words that do not have it in and then worked out that I could use the spellchecker to give me the words I needed. I went to computer outlet today and the only solution was to buy another keyboard and use that attached to the laptop, awkward but doable. It was one solution I suppose but not the one I wanted.
     
    So here I am trying to put my life in perspective. Things good and bad about this period of my life. Good things include having three of my grandchildren here, Tori only one day, the boys three days. Lots of noise and laughter and interesting things to do so no sad and lonely thoughts for Grandma. Yes, Grandma does talk to strange men in the park as long as they are with their grandchildren...lol. I loved playing computer games with them and having those funny little conversations you can have with 7 and 8 year olds. They just love to share their little bit of knowledge with you.
     
    It is good to put everything else on hold for while so they can have your undivided attention, childhood passes too fast to allow yourself to miss sharing it with your grandchildren. I did too much of that when Ray was alive, when he had to be the focus of my life, so now I can catch up bit. Pity is they live so far away now. They still refer to Pa but not as often now, sad that he will gradually fade from their memories now.
     
    I have finally replaced my broken watch, I was hoping to get one for Christmas but that never happened so I went out today and bought a cheap one. It will do for while. I thought there was no sense in buying something expensive...but then who else is going to do that now? No-one here to pamper me is there? After years of looking to someone else for presents etc it is so hard to see that ”if it has to be it is up to me”...sigh.
     
    So some little problems that I had to figure out for myself. I think it will be the story of the rest of my life from now on. It is an uncomfortable feeling, knowing that there is just me. No-one else to make decisions, no-one else to bounce ideas off, no-one else to be concerned with the minute details of every day life. Of course there hasn’t been for several years but while Ray was here I was able to keep that idea going. Silly eh?
  23. swilkinson
    In my Lifeline training I learned I can be one of three things, a signpost, a bus stop or a wailing wall. I have spent a lot of time being a wailing wall. I have cried with a lot of people. In my training days I cried with each member of the groups I trained. We all have a sad story in us, that is the touching point for all of us who are caregivers, the place where we can identify our own pain and in doing so feel the pain of others.It is in feeling the pain of others that we can be of some use to them. We too can become a signpost, a bus stop, or a wailing wall.
     
    I think we all know what a bus stop is, the best way of seeing it in a way is through the movie "Forrest Grump", a bus stop is a place to tell your story, not wanting or needing any feedback, just telling it as it is each day. I have been a bus stop but it is not my real place to be. There is more to my journey than would be satisfied by that. But a lot of people have been that other person on the bus seat to me and I thank them for that.
     
    I did not have the best childhood but I did have one that taught me a lot. In my innocence I skimmed through a lot of things that would have caused others to go under. I had strong parents and that helped me to be strong. I lost one of my best friends when I was nine and I learned to grieve, I learned about bad things happening to good people when a friend of mine was attacked, sad to think that bad things happen to children but ignoring that fact does not make us stronger, it simply makes us more afraid. To be in touch with reality makes us much more able to cope with the bad times as we see the bravery and courage of others in their own suffering.
     
    I had parents that struggled to make our lives better. We were migrants and came to Australia with very little. I started work aged eleven when my parents bought a small business and I got to work in it after school and on weekends. I knew that it took all of our efforts to go onto the next stage in life, home ownership, enough money to be comfortable and I had to be a part of that plan. I didn't resent it until I was in my mid-teens up till then I thought it was just what families did. In my mid-teens I suddenly realised others did not have to do what I had to do. But it was still a good lesson for me.
     
    I was lucky in my choice of life partner, Ray was a good man. We had 22 years of married life together before his first stroke, then the in between years when we both worked and then the major strokes in 1999 which retired us both. Some of those caregiving years were hard but I got to meet a lot of brave people in that time. Right from the first day Ray went to Bendigo Hospital I learned to appreciate those around us, the professionals,the helpers, the patients, the other significant others who were there as support. I lived in the old nurses home for six weeks and got to be friends with the other women staying there. We all returned after visiting hours and cried ourselves to sleep. I listened to their stories and saw my own anguish reflected in their eyes. I learned to be a caregiver by being surrounded with caring people.
     
    Ray transitioned to Woy Woy Rehabilitation Unit and for the first time I realised that this was "forever", not realising how long forever would be. Twelve years is a long time to care for someone 24 hours a day but it wasn't a hard task, you just do that kind of thing one day at a time. For the first time I realised Ray had a mantra: "there is always someone worse off" and in rehab we certainly saw the battlers. One man, Larry, stands out as the real hero, eleven months from the brain stem stroke to walking out the door. Bravo Larry. And those younger than Ray who didn't make it, just couldn't do the rehab and get back home again, so sad.
     
    It took me till May 2005 to find this site. By then I was desperate, fear of future strokes dominated my life, why did Ray keep having two years of recovery and then another stroke? Where would this all end (I know the answer to that now of course). So on I came, looking for help, support, information, some fellow feeling, people who would reach out to me, and of course that is exactly what I found, all of the above. And bless you all who were here right from the first, hoststephen, Denny, Bonnie who is now on a widowed site that I belong to, Jean, also on the same site, Fred, and of course thank you to Steve Mallory the founder of the site for being here and for making this site available to people like me desperate for answers.
     
    And did I find answers? yes and no. I did not find the magic bullet, the charm that would turn my stroke affected husband back into the man I thought he should be. Instead I found a path to acceptance of how he was and a whole community of people who would support me when I went weak at the knees and knew in my own strength I could not hold on any longer. I never got to the point of suicide but some days must not have been far from there but I would come onto here and there was another caregiver expressing my thoughts, my concerns , my disillusionment and somehow like Ray I could gain strength from knowing that there was someone worse off than myself, because I did have friends and family and a roof over my head and others did not.
     
    I became a chat host because I was asked to. I found it easy to be with people who had a common purpose, to make the most of the life they now had. I did general chat for a few years and then when caregiver chat started found a new place to be that signpost, bus stop and wailing wall. There were others there who ministered to me as I ministered to others and I have never found it an imposition, always a privilege to join in someone else's story. I was happy to be joined in the task by Sarah and Sally who were a great help to me and to know that when I was unable to be on the job one of them would take over and there was no loss of continuity. Sarah found the timing difficult but Sally is still there co-hosting with me. Thanks Sally.
     
    The Blog Moderator job came later. As a blogaholic I was reading the site twice a day anyway so it was simply a matter of learning how to write a Blog report and it all came together. What a wonder it was to me to realise that stories were not static but ongoing, that I could follow someone else's story as it happened. That way I could rejoice at the improvements, commiserate with the failures and become a cheerleader in urging others on in their journey. Thank you to all those who allowed me to share in their stories.
     
    This sounds like an ending but it is not. It is just a pause to reflect on how lucky I was to find this site, to be a part of this community and to know all of the people I have met because of that. Blessings to all in your struggle to find peace in acceptance.
  24. swilkinson

    signposts

    By swilkinson,

    I am not a great believer in karma as I have my faith but I can see how karma affects our lives. I have been off track for some time. I think it started when I realised that Christmas was going to be far different this year. For some reason that built up some resentment and resentment and bitterness have bad effects on our mental and physical health so I started to feel unwell and basically uneasy. I also listened to some of the wrong voices around me so went away from what I know are core values in my life. Luckily I have people in my life who are wise and they led me back. Hopefully I stay on track now.
     
    We are all signposts for others. We might be one of those signs that say "shop local", "bargains here", this way".These are useful signs that help us every day but still signs that can be ignored or overlooked. We may play a bigger part and hold signs that say: "warning - bush fires ahead" or "bridge under repair" or "detour ahead". I am able to think of a few people in my life like that, but I can switch them off if I want to and I have done in the past. Those signs often look as if they are there to spoil our fun. Who cares if the bridge is under repair if I really want to go that way, why not take a chance and if I take a chance I will get there sooner, won't I?
     
    I am surrounded by good people, some of them are God's people and some of them are good people with the wisdom born of pain. I am lucky to have a few of the latter in my life. I had a phone call from the wife of Ray's older brother. A lot of people have been telling me to get out and live my own life, she did the same but then she gave me some warning words. She said: "I know you are afraid to do this because you are afraid of the consequences." and she is right. I know the moves I make will affect others as well as myself. A new person in my life will not just be a companion but someone who has the right to say and do what they usually do, this will affect the other relationships in my life. A move to a new house will cut off my ties to a lot of other people here, where I have lived on and off since I was 17 and by moving away that will change relationships with local people.
     
    The changes I have made in my life I have made as slowly as I can. I have caught up with a friend from a long time ago and he has made a difference to the way I think. I am now thinking like the person I used to be but with the wisdom I have found in the journey I shared with Ray. I have plenty of courage usually but that seems to have deserted me for now. I want to go out and do things but frankly I am aware of the cost, the cost to myself and to others, so I am wary of change. I had a talk from my son-in-law about how a Christian woman should act as a widow. Oh dear, that sounds almost impossible to achieve and still be me. I take into account that for him it is all theory so how I live out the Bible's teachings in this modern world I do not know. But I will work on taking that into account as much as I am able to. I think he is a sign that says: "Go back, you are going the wrong way."
     
    In our blogs and forums we post and others post comments. I love our Blog Community and how encouraging and supportive they are. For those of you who are reading this and do not have a blog please start one. It doesn't have to be perfect prose or contain words of wisdom or be about traumatic events and full of drama, it can simply be a reflection of where you are today. The great diarists of the world have given us much wisdom and knowledge of times past. I remember there was a diarist who simply listed the foods he ate for meals day by day back in the sixteenth century. Not a great diary you would say? Well it is if you are a culinary expert. It should have been titled "What the doctor ate." and gives us a glimpse of what that class of people had access to. His sign probably would have said: "eat well and you will be well".
     
    It is time to sit down and ask myself: "what sort of sign am I to others?" this will vary depending on my relationship and proximity. For some now I must look as if I am doing well so maybe they see me as a sign that says "new life after death" or "building a new life is easy". Well I can tell them that nothing is easy, that all journeys have hills and heights, valleys and dusty paths that are hard slogging. I am struggling as much now as I was when I had Ray to look after. The difference is that when I was so focused on his problems I didn't have time to worry about my own. Now I do and that is not a good thing. People are right, I do need to get over it and am doing that slowly and carefully as always. This is my life and sure you can give me advice but I need to assimilate and make it part of who I am.
     
    Which brings me to another thing people are saying to me: "this is your life and only you can decide how to live it", my wise sister-in-law said that. She is right, I have to take the reins into my own hands. It is no good blaming anyone else. I did this for years when I had Ray, I often used his illness as an excuse to turn down invitations I didn't want to accept anyway and used things like lack of access for a wheelchair to say where we could and could not go. I am not proud of that. I could have been more resourceful or more direct and told them something that was closer to the truth. I could even have asked for their help. As a result I lost relationships that I valued. People do see through us and appreciate the fact that we are honest in our dealings with them.
     
    Signs, signs, everywhere are signs, as the song says, so in 2015 that is one of my resolutions, to read the signs and if I do not understand them to get some help in interpreting them. My word for the year: "laughter" is coming into my life already. Yesterday I met up with two sisters I am very fond of, I met them through one of the stroke groups I belong to. They saw me sitting talking to one of the male parishioners from my church and as they went by said: "Yahoo, go Sue!". I collapsed in laughter and my friend said: "who was that?". I didn't know the if the long answer would interest him so I said: "Oh just some of the angels God sends into my life". Thanks for reading this angels.
  25. swilkinson

    strange days

    By swilkinson,

    Do you remember how it felt to be a kid on Christmas Eve? All that anticipation! I wish that I could recapture that feeling again now. "What will I get for Christmas?"is the refrain that runs through our childhood. That turns into "What will I do for Christmas?" as an adult and especially as an adult with a family, especially when the budget it tight, and now as a widow "Where will I be for Christmas?" With all my children so scattered that was a problem so I accepted an invitation to go to a friend's house and share her Christmas lunch. That is what didn't happen but the process of Christmas was an interesting one anyway.
     
    Christmas Eve was beautiful. I love the children's interpretation of Christmas at the Children and Family's service. We rally around to make sure that every child is a shepherd or an angel. I've never seen so many different toy shop interpretations of wings, small wings, big feathery wings, some like a butterfly and some fairy-like. The shepherds have crooks or a lamb and the chief shepherd, husband of our local Minister, takes them if they start swordplay. It is a chaotic welcome to the Christ Child and there is rarely a dry eye among the congregation. There are the usual hymns and our best organist played them with drums sounds and trumpet sounds and peals of bells so it was a triumph of sound. It would be nice if we had a choir but that is not a task I can help with.
     
    Christmas Day was really strange as I went to church and then with a good friend to her husband's cousins's place. We knew none of the other guests and with a cross-section of the community it was a great learning experience. The cousin who is a chef with her own catering business had a dozen or more dishes, all small portions and a good many I could not eat as I am lactose intolerant now. But there is always heaps of salad for our Christmas so plenty to fill up on. And fresh fruit is always part of the bounty. It was certainly an interesting afternoon. I was pleased I had gone as it was definitely "one for the memoirs".
     
    Then I came home and my daughter and family were already here ensconced on the verandah sipping tea so it was nice to have them here and we had a light dinner and lots of conversation. We exchange gifts but nothing great and the kids have extras that I collect during the year. I have given up on clothes as I have no idea what they like so it is cards and vouchers and whatever their favourite stores deal in. They seem to be okay with that. The adults settled down and it is a Christmas movie after dinner and an early night.
     
    The family finished up staying for four nights so they only went home yesterday. We did various things, a trip to see the movie "Paddington" which I loved, enough humor for the grown-ups to hear a chuckle go around the audience from time to time. A friend of a friend here is the voice of Paddington so that was an extra bonus. The small shops close by the theatre got some patronage as I had managed to fall out of my last pair of summer sandals so I bought another pair while I was there and the kids love looking in the cheap shops to spend a handful of pocket money in. A stroll to the water and back and then home.
     
    The idea of their pre-vacation is that they settle down after the rush that has been Christmas season for them. The Salvation Army band played three times a week in the evenings somewhere in their area for the last month or so and as my grandchildren both play cornet in the band now that was a lot of extra work for the end of a busy year. Shirley also supervised a team of women doing the gift wrapping in their local Mall, a huge one with thousands of people there each week so that was a big task. They were all very tired so a sleep-in was in order. As an early riser I have to make sure I creep quietly around the house with as little noise as possible, not easy but it allows them to get the rest they need. I have tried to sleep in but it never works for me, six hours in bed and my body says "up we get".
     
    I had had a busy program myself with the Lions Club Christmas Stocking ticket selling and the pastoral work I do in the church but I find it more energizing, I think because each event for me has a social side and as a widow I need that. It would be easy to become a recluse, to make my home into a comfortable nest and just stay here and do handwork and crafts and nothing much else. I am tempted to do that in winter but not in summer as the sunshine always calls me out and I love to be out and about and in the company of others.
     
    I took the kids to the park, more of a trip down memory lane as they are too old to play much now. Christopher always enjoys just sitting and talking while Naomi swings and climbs. It is that rare Granma and grandson time. I love my grandchildren and over the last ten years have seen less of them than I like to, but with Ray's needs to be met for eight of those years it was not always possible to even do the planned holidays so the opportunity now for me to travel alone helps to fit more visits in. My church work and other commitments and their Corps work though does mean that the visits get squeezed in where we have some spare time.
     
    I invited a friend back after church on Sunday after we had lunch out. She is on her own too so I thought she might like some company.Craig took the kids "antique shopping" not really for antiques but for a few little bits and pieces that might amuse them, it is remarkable what you can pick up in those old stores, like the old glass beads and trinket boxes beloved by Naomi. They came back with a few paper parcels that were declared "for Mum's birthday so no peeking". Cate and Shirley and I sat on the front verandah and sipped tea and watched the world go peacefully by.
     
    And now ahead of me is the summer, busy with children on vacation so the three little Adelaide children are with their mother for the next three weeks and I will be a part of their lives again. I love that. I miss all my grandchildren and love to be around them for as long as they let me be. So happy days ahead. The word I have chosen for this coming year 2015 is "laughter". Naomi gave me that on a small sign as part of her Christmas present to me so I will endeavor to find laughter in all situations and brighten up my own life and the life of others.