swilkinson

Terry, pull the strap tight and the handset doesn't go anywhere. Jamie, Ray loved to bowl against Trevor and often won. I love the Wii for interacting with grandchildren, dancing, balancing games, later on strategy games. Glad you are due for release soon, got my fingers crossed for Monday or Tuesday for you.

Strange week last week, another funeral, a few days of trying to get the car ready to re-register, a couple of lunches out with friends, a few more things added to my to do list as I need some time for cleaning out drawers. It was a good week on the whole. My program seems to be lightening up. Maybe I am just ignoring what has to be done, always a possibility. The Assistant Bishop came down from Newcastle this morning and I am now officially a Lay Minister in charge of Mutual Care. So there. I always say being given certification by the Bishop is like being given a pregnant cat, it looks like a small gift but it is only the first of many. So I will see what life brings. The basic job, looking out for people, is easy but I am guessing there is more to it than that. In an older congregation there are many needs, and in a place where grown up children are sometimes far away, as mine are, that is a complicating factor too. There was a lunch attached to the certification but I did not attend it. I had said I would keep an eye on the next door neighbour's Dad on Sunday as the next door neighbour has gone away for the weekend. His brother was supposed to come up to look after the old man but that changed and they all went down to Sydney. That left me with some free time so I decided to use it for my own needs I have been so busy I haven't taken the time out that I find I still find beneficial. Maybe being a caregiver did, in the end, teach me to take care of my own needs. I did so enjoy sitting in the sun this afternoon,I have a head cold so my head was a bit muzzy all day but who cared. In the winter sun is precious and to snuggle in a chair with my feet stretched in front of me and feel myself warming up was great. I wanted to lie down and sleep but the snuffly nose was keeping me awake so sitting in the sun was much better. Okay, I admit I was feeling sorry for myself for a while, the usual, no one to take care of me when I am sick. But I am not suffering from any thing life threatening, it is just a little old cold. And that is enough. I have been trying to reconnect with Ray's cousins. I rang one tonight but she said they are all older now, less inclined to travel, more likely to shut themselves inside in the warm for winter and if I was planning on visiting could I leave it till Spring? The cousins he was fond of were all older than him so I guess she is right, leave it to Spring. In the meantime I will try to write some letters to the others, to inquire after their health and family matters. I wouldn't expect any of them to be on email or Facebook but I might include my email address just to make sure as that would be a better way to communicate. I wanted to talk a few things over with my daughter but when I rang her it was to find her mother-in-law is not doing well and so Craig had gone to try and sort out a few of her problems so Shirley was running the Corps alone for a couple of weeks. Another older person in trouble. Her MIL is going blind and so things are difficult as she can't read her mail for one thing. I am so healthy on the whole I felt like a fraud for ringing and saying I was sick when really there is nothing wrong with me. When Ray was alive I always had someone to bounce ideas off of, even when he was no longer able to communicate in any meaningful way I always felt as if he could at least listen to my worries and understand what I was saying, now he is gone I really miss that. I sometimes think of the poem that includes the line: "how do I love thee, let me count the ways" and want to change it instead to "how do I miss Ray...." because I miss him every day in some way. I miss his physical presence, I miss him as my husband, the sharer of my memories, the father of my children, the grandfather of my grandchildren. I miss his advice, the people he knew who he could ring with a problem. I miss the contact both with our family and his family. I know I would complain about those who rang and wanted to know how he was when they could have visited instead but now I just miss the contact. If I want to know how they are I have to make the call. I guess those links will one day be broken too. I don't know how many days of sun we have to look forward to before the clouds roll in again. I know we are in for a colder spell by the end of the week. I have to take life one day at a time, we all need to do that. But I am grateful for a day of winter sun. And I hope for more of them to come.

Fred, just glad to see you on here. Your blogs are always interesting to me, where you live is like some of our northern towns but on a much bigger scale. I know things are always bigger in Texas! But I'm with you, No to floods, bushfires or any kind of dangerous animal outside my door. Suburbia may not be as adventurous or close to nature but at my time of life I am all for safety over peace and quiet. Sue.

Colleen, never go home before the three hours is up. If the paid worker rings you tell her it is her job to distract him for the next hour, you are busy doing whatever. Ask her if she thinks she need retraining as she seems unable to cope etc. I found the word retraining to be a powerful one, no-one wants to think they are presenting as in need of training! It may appear to be a big deal to the one we care for that we go away to get some R&R and they may fret while we are away BUT it it our time, not to be taken lightly or presumed on by others. Just like a mother needs time out from her kids so does a caregiver need time out from the one he/she cares for. Stand your ground.

I am not a Dad but thank you for your thought in sending a positive message to Dads on their special day.

Do you have a light over the top of the stairs? I know my Ray had a problem with the transition from light to shade so often hesitated transferring from our lounge room to the kitchen through an area that was less well lit, in winter I had to leave the light on all the time. There may be something you can do to make the transition easier for him. Could there be a way to alter the downstairs area to fit in a shower recess or some other means of him having a shower such as in a wet area for instance like the laundry room if you have one?.I know another couple with a stroke affected husband who suddenly had to live on the ground floor and it can be done but the adapting of spaces to more suitable use can be time consuming and expensive, making moving a better option.

Thanks for the good wishes Fred. You do have something special in the way you look at life. Does us all good just to read your blogs.

I don't have any answers Katrina, I think you do get healed but it is all in earth time, very, very, slowly as we change from one state of being into another. You will gradually change and improve as you always have with stroke. So one or two days of failing does not mean a lifetime of failing. Hard as it is you do have to have patience and look at the future with hope. Just live one day at a time if you can. (((hugs)))

I went to see my minister today to discuss a new position as Mutual Care co-ordinator, unpaid of course. I was hoping he would have some kind of job description but he said I will mostly be "floating through the various groups in the Parish". For a moment I had a vision of the blue whale in "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" which suddenly appears floating through space uttering a lonely cow-like cry. It was very hard to keep a straight face. It is inconvenient sometimes to have a bizarre sense of humour. I got it from my Mum who was a genius at crosswords and word games and really enjoyed puns. Often when I had been talking to her as a teenager I would suddenly realise afterwards that what she said was not as serious as I had thought but was often said tongue in cheek. I think my minister is right though that as one who will be doing pastoral care in an almost minimal way passing through the groups is a good way to pick up information and find out where support is needed. It is what we do on Strokenet when we read the posts, read the blogs and go to chat and speak to people, we are gathering the information we need to support someone in an intelligent way. The support they need might not be much more than a comment or a kind word but just that can put their minds at rest, I know it works that way for me. Winter is quiet here. People are more inside, the doors shut and the houses kept warm. I have been out somewhere most days as if I stay home I can get cabin fever very quickly. It is so different when there is only one person in the house. Sometimes I sing just to hear my voice. Sometimes I sing because I am happy but a lot of the time I sing because I am lonely. I am good at finding excuses not to do housework and why I need to knit, sew or crochet instead, I think I have that in common with a lot of craftswomen who would rather throw a pot or piece together a quilt than do housework...lol. I did have the opportunity to do some gardening on Tuesday which was good. I was going to pot up the bromeliads but the soil is so clumpy in the pots with all the rain we have had. Thank goodness the promised five day rain event starting today did not appear so I was able to go for a walk, just around a couple of streets but a walk anyway. I need to do that to keep up some kind of fitness. I worked so hard when I cared for Ray that walking was not a part of the plan, now I am trying to build a new plan. Not easy as I do so want to cling to what I always did, have what I always had, be who I always was, but that time is gone now. . For a while it seemed disloyal to make alterations, in the house, in what I did and in what I thought about. It is hard to explain if you haven't been bereaved but somehow after a lifetime of being a married woman, and a wife even if I am no longer raising children I still seem to go on functioning in a certain way. Widowhood throws all of that into the mix and for a while what you go on doing whatever it was you did. But of course in the end that has to change. For one thing age alters what you can do. And so you slowly rebuild your life and like rehabilitation it is almost,day by day and inch by inch. Maybe we just can't make the changes fast, maybe it has to be slowly so we can assimilate it better. I went to an odd funeral yesterday. It featured all the things usually done at funerals including a long eulogy but the bereaved daughter seemed to be everywhere bossing people around, checking on everyone, changing things at the last minute. I thought the minister ( from the next parish) responded very calmly to the changes. Not a tear was shed for this wonderful old lady, everyone behaved very calmly. I was astounded. I wonder if they all went home and broke down there? Isn't it odd how "in control" some people have to be? Not me, I would have been howling. But we are all different. And so, life changes again. I will be a person with a pastoral care role in the church again. I hope I still get to play with the Sunday school kids occasionally and get to walk slowly with the oldies. I hope no-one tries to label me or shove me into a pigeon hole or put some great expectations upon me. I will never be more or less than who I am now. I hope that will be enough. If you hear that cow-like cry, somewhere overhead, do look up and see if you can spot that blue whale floating high above you. Give it a smile and a wave. It may be me or someone in a similar role in a church close to you.

Jaime, you will get better. You know that. You have that fighting spirit. The heart strength is good news as you will need that to go through the operation. The strength of spirit that you have is amazing. We wish you a full recovery plus some extra improvement for good measure. (((hugs)))

Katrina, glad you have family close by now and they are helpful and supportive. It must be fun to have someone to go about with again. I understand about loneliness and like you I do have to control my thinking and make sure that I count my blessings rather than dwelling on what I don't have. Good for you. Sue.

Very appropriate blog for me today. It is raining again. But yesterday I managed to do some gardening as we had a dry morning but a very wet afternoon. The forecaster says it will be sunny tomorrow. So as I only have to live one day at a time that is good. Thank you for another thoughtful blog.

Happy anniversary Fred and to your wonderful wife. What a blessing that you are both in church each Sunday. We used to have a saying: "the family that prays together, stays together." I wish more families knew that blessing.

I have just been chatting to a friend on a different site. We have been cyber friends since 2006. She and I both had husbands diagnosed with Dementia about the same time so joined a Dementia site which is no longer operating. Her husband is still alive, in his third year in a nursing home and of course my good man has gone. We are both bad sleepers so sometimes chat in the middle of the night, she is in Western Australia so two hours behind me time wise. I know it is silly to ask how will I know when it is time to make changes, it is like asking how long is a piece of string. It is individual and makes no sense to pre-empt it or make decisions until your heart is right with the change itself. My friend has moved out of her rented house and into a granny flat in her daughter's back yard. She would like to go out on her own again but finances do not allow for that while she is also supporting her husband. She gets holidays by pet sitting, she likes houses near a beach as she lives inland. I seem to be still in transition. It would help if the cabin was completed, if I had all the under house cleaned out and knew if it would be possible to live in a two bedroom villa or if I would feel claustrophobic. I visited a friend in one last week and it did seem very small. I have high ceilings here so never feel closed in. I need a lot of cupboard space too. I would still like to keep some of my momentos from the past and of course a lot of photo albums and other bits and pieces I brought from my parents' place. That means a bigger unit than my friend has but I don't want it to be hard to upkeep. Just the process of selling would be a burden to me. I know some people are ruthless and out it all goes but I have already had regrets about a lot of what I gave away or threw out from under the house. I've needed a couple of the tools I gave to the men from the Men's Shed and no longer have that rich supply of nuts and bolts and saws and hammers and... all that other interesting junk. What would I be like if I downsized the kitchen and then found I did need a garlic crusher or a meat cleaver or any of the rest of the clutter I have in the drawers and cupboards. I know I could replace them but very rarely with the same quality tools. I didn't blog on my birthday as it was mainly a non-event. I had some phone calls, some nice emails and some birthday wishes on Facebook. I had phone calls the day after too as people looked at the calendar and said: "oops, missed Sue's birthday again." I do that too. The calendar on Facebook is a good reminder as the date leaps up at me, but still forget to wish some people a happy birthday. It is partly the times we live in where it seems acceptable to forget because "we are all busy people". I did have dinner out with my DIL Pam and her three, at a place that has a very nice buffet so that was a good close to the day. And of course the girls in chat helped me celebrate too. This is the first year without having Trev and Edie and family close by and that was my sea anchor, so now I feel as if I am drifting a bit. I know Shirley would have made a fuss had she been here but she is so busy where she is and a quick phone call has to be enough. Not satisfactory really and that loneliness still hangs over the special days when it should be "family time". Yesterday was Alice's second birthday so I rang three times, in the morning she talked her baby talk to me, at lunchtime she was busy running around and was too wound up to talk and at night she said "sank oo" for her present, and she did like the rag doll I sent so that was fine. I can manage one long distant relationship, not sure I can manage three. Should I give up the visits back to the organisations I belonged to? Another question I ask myself. I don't feel as attached to them as I used to though I still have friends I would like to continue to support. It is a dilemma, I don't know how to resolve it at the moment, the WAGS stroke recovery group is less important now but Strokenet is still very important and I am happy to be known as a volunteer. I don't go to one of the Dementia groups now and don't go to the meetings at the nursing home either. But I do keep in touch with individuals from the groups. So I am gradually weaning myself away from the groups. Not easy as they were an essential part of who I was a caregiver to Mum and to Ray. But although that is gone forever I still have a caregiver's heart. Still contemplating some changes in my role at Church, I've almost decided I don't want a role with a title. I have always been a behind-the-scenes person. Partly because that has made it easier to get alongside of people. And partly because I can swim against the tide and help hurting people without everyone knowing what I am doing. Thus doesn't quite fit into our present "teams" so I might just have to say "no" to the job that our minister wants me to do. Hate to do that but hopefully we will discuss it and see if he has a problem with that. Changes, changes, all around I see. i'd sing that chorus but that is all the words I can remember. Big storms here last night, it was rainy and cold the last couple of nights. Warm May has gone and cold old June is with us. No snow on the Snowy Mountains which is a disaster for the tourist operators here and left a lot of people with a long weekend and nowhere to go. If it fines up they can go to the beach maybe...lol.

Yes Fred, thank God for those who served, bless those who gave their lives, honor those who are still around. We need to remember that we owe them for their sacrifice and that includes aftercare. A lot of governments now are cutting back on that which is so wrong. Glad your little days out have given you a new insight into the life after the battle. We do need a memory jog from time to time.

Very interesting words.

Yes, I am all for getting out of the house and getting into life. Good for you.

Fred, sounds like fun, all those small shops with the treasures. I have a friend who is into antiques and when she comes to stay once a year we do a lot of that kind of looking around. And yes, we do find the occasional good buy and add it to her collection. Keep on going on with things that keep you interested and engaged in life.

Sounds good Nancy, a care worker you are comfortable with who will be right for Dan too. It is hard to find that balance but with good will on both sides it should work. You've done a brilliant job so far and with work to stretch you as well you should be able to build up your confidence as well.

Sometimes I have too much time to think. Then I go out somewhere to fill in time, the stores, the seaside, a park where I can sit in the sun. It is not ideal but I am finding at my age that I can't just ring a friend and pop over any more. I just rang one who was supposed to go to an craft evening with me tonight and she said: "We have visitors, I'll call you back later." and I could hear her husband's voice in the background and knew that it was a "couples afternoon", something I no longer have. I know I should not be envious but just for an instant I am. I am learning that this is okay as long as I can shrug it off and not hold onto the sentiment for too long. I am hoping the worst of the grief is over now. I still hit something that makes me cry sometimes. When someone you love dies there seems to be a lot of loose ends, a lot of unfinished business and somehow that all has a negative impact. There are memories that send you over the edge, that photo of a place you once loved and will never go again because it was for you and him, not just for you, the phone call that you initiate that ends suddenly, when the "couple friend" hears her husband and says she has to go and of course you have no-one so that is a sad echo. Okay, most of the time I am fine on my own and sometimes I am not. Last official day of autumn (fall) for us today. We have just had a warm May after a fairly cool April. Crazy weather. I am doing the last of the gardening, potting up so that in Spring there is room for growth. That is what I am looking for myself now a settled period and hopefully a burst of growth in Spring. Winter because we can be shut inside because of bad weather has extra thinking time. I will try to be positive instead of negative in what I think. I will try to get some semblance of routine going without it becoming too inflexible. I need time to do some spur-of-the-moment stuff as well as before Ray's passing I could not do that. I still say "us" and "we", sometimes I correct myself and say "sorry that should be I" and sometimes I don't. It is not important, I just still think in terms of us and we, the habit of 44 years dies hard. I do know I am "me" but really still do not know who that person is. I told an old friend today that I feel as if I am just wandering through my life. Sure I have things to do but that is just some of the time, the rest of the time still seems empty. I can fill some of it with the usual, craft, reading, watching television, coming onto the computer but at the end of the day I would like to know I have done something worthwhile with my time, not just filled in the hours. At the back of my mind I still feel as if both Mum and Ray should have part of my time. I think because their deaths came close together it impacted more on my life than if they had died two years apart so I could have got over one death before encountering another. I now understand why some people who are widowed or divorced quickly look around for another partner, another family to fill the gaping hole that has suddenly appeared in the middle of their life.It is not a good idea, we need to be whole people before we can join ourselves to another, but I do understand that for some people being alone is not what they want to be so they avoid it by introducing new people into their lives, to fill up the gap, I filled the gap last year by planning the trip to England. That filled six weeks of the boring time of winter. It was a grand plan but not something I could afford to do every year. That is another thing widows do here, go travelling. Some just between family members, others go jaunting across Europe, off to Canada and the USA,or to other to places you've never heard of, remote tropical islands and tours into the depths of Russia or China. All to fill in the gap that a bereavement leaves and somehow make life feel okay for them again. They brightly say: "I am okay, I am off to Europe next week." and that fills in an awkward moment for them. I wish I could find something really fulfilling to do. I know there is a lot of call for volunteers in nursing homes, child care, churches and charities, I will probably volunteer more next year. I know there are groups I could join or run come to that. I know a couple of friends keep asking me when am I going to start using some of my talents again? That throws me a bit because as a married woman I always had the excuse if I wanted it: "Family times takes up most of my spare time so I have limited time available to volunteer" and let's face it I no longer have that excuse. What I do have is time on my hands that I have not yet found a use for. I am sure that will come as time passes. In widowhood it is still early days yet.

Mike, you ROCK!!!!

I agree we are all reading the same book but different chapters, which in a way is why I am still here. I am part of the epilogue, not the prologue and not the chapters about what happened next. Glad I can still continue the journey with the friends and supporters I have made here. I guess it is ironic that you are stopping work just as Nancy is starting but there will always be those crossovers wherever we go. And that is one of the fascinations about life I guess. You will lead a different life, one in which there is a lot more flexibility, and of course you can always increase what you do here. There will be room for another caregiver chat host in the future. Glad Kira is hanging in there and you are still a part of her family.

Something really strange happened. For the last three days I have not been able to make national calls or information calls on 1300 numbers. I notified my provider on Tuesday but the person who works on that was away. She called me back today to say someone tried to hijack my line! She said she would be able to have it all back the way it was by tomorrow and I would not be charged for the last three days calls, so I am guessing that there were some. I have never heard of this before so was pleased my provider was on the ball and sorted it all out. I was lucky it didn't affect my internet or I really would have been cross. I have been doing more paperwork, this time for a police clearance for working with children. Sadly due to so many child abuse cases going through the courts we all have to go through this now. Finished my clearance today and I will have the certification back within three working days. Another hurdle overcome. This time it will also include working with the elderly so I will go to the places where I do home communions and show it and that will make me current for three years. So complicated to do any of this now. I did enjoy the visit to the police station though as the desk sergeant had been posted close to Broken Hill where my younger son and family are so we had a good talk and a laugh about some of his stories of his time there. I didn't get to chat on Tuesday night as I got a phone call from the school my youngest grandson goes to to ask me to pick him up as he had been sick in his classroom. I thought my daughter-in-law would only be doing her shopping or something locally but drove the 40 minutes over there and arrived to find him a bit brighter. Took him back to his house where no-one was home and all the doors locked. Decided to wait a while as he was snuggled under a rug and feeling okay. When I decided it was time to take him home we passed his Mum at the end of the street so were able to go back and tell her what had happened. She had dropped and broken her mobile phone so that is why she didn't answer! I was supposed to go to a funeral tomorrow but can't get public transport there and back. It was a cousin of Ray's who he was very close to in our younger days. I am sorry I can't get there as it would be good to catch up with that part of his family. I know it is not possible to do everything but now I am "free" I think I should in some ways be able to make amends for all the funerals and family occasions we had to miss because of Ray's health. But three days notice is not really enough to get to an out of the way town five hours drive away and back home again for the commitments I have on the weekend. Just about all of those from our Club who went to Adelaide are back again with their own tales to tell. As we age we enjoy the reminiscing and recalling of old memories so reunions and association meetings allow that to happen. I guess for me memories of Ray and I together at such meetings both cloud and brighten my memories of him, cloud as others do not have the same memories but brighten as they share what they remember of him. One man at the convention said: "Remember when I tipped Ray out of the wheelchair at Moree?" and I did and the way a whole lot of men hurried over and had him right way up in no time. Good memories, ones that make me laugh, are so sweet to me now. I need to remember the good times, not the bad times and others who shared them can help me to do that. Winter is approaching but I feel I am not as likely to feel isolated this year. I am determined to make an effort to get out and about. Health permitting of course as already colds and flu are around in the general community. All in all I am thankful for what I have, food on the table, a roof over my head and the support of wonderful people near and far.