swilkinson

Thank you for the good wishes Lenny. Hope you have a wonderful Easter too.

Fred, good to see you blog any time and I hope you can get into chat so you can give others the benefit of your wisdom. You have been a wonderful friend to so many on here and I am sure the newbies would enjoy your company.

Katrina , it's nice that you got to spend time with your mom. A girl's day out occasionally will do you both good. It is probably a good idea to have a talk to your therapist about the way you think. I know when I was a teen I got into thinking that every good day I had I somehow had to pay for. I grew out of it but when Ray was so sick somehow that type of thinking came back to haunt me for a while. It would be good if you could feel excitement, joy and happiness and live in that moment without wondering what would happen next. You are doing well despite all of this so look forward to further improvements.

Well done with the lawn chemicals, I have yet to try something like that. And love the neighbours coming in for a beer - now that IS a real sign of Spring. Our autumn seems to have deteriorated into one day of sunshine followed by two days of drizzly rain. I feel sorry for those who have gone away especially to see the leaves changing colour as locally there are soggy piles of leaves and no colour changes. And the eucalypts are losing leaves too so lots of raking to do here. Keep on getting out there with Bruce as much as you can, provides stimulation for the survivor and for a caregiver a change is as good as a holiday. (Well maybe not but that is the way the saying goes...lol.)

Tina I love that you got a standing ovation and you do deserve it for the fight you have had to get from a wheelchair to a quad stick - well done. My church is pretty generous and I know supports a lot of people in their hour of need. Those who can't support with finances give time and yes they still bake and cook for families who need that kind of help. Have a Happy Easter.

Yvonne, yes you are right, that was Ray's way too which is why I never did anything in the garage/workshop for the twelve years he was, here. So Trev just takes after his Dad I guess. Nancy, I am finding that having little in common with others extends into widowhood. In a way your friends no longer relate to you, your experience as a caregiver has moved you to a different head space to where they are. I always imagined that if Ray passed away they would all come back and enfold me once more into the group I had left. Sadly I was wrong about that. Terry, I do need to join some kind of club that has those kind of opportunities to just spend time with others. I was going to look at one of the local Seniors Centres, there are actually three within a short drive away, and see if that is what I want to do to extend my world now. And maybe I can find somewhere where there is music and dancing. Ole.

Well, it was good to have Trevor call back in and pack his car with things to take back to Broken Hill. He was disappointed that some of what he had planned to take back had been taken by the men from the local Men's Shed that I had allowed to take tools. Unfortunately that included some of his! But when your children say no, they do not want what is in the garage Mum then I think that is what the answer is! Silly me. We were both sad that had happened but that's life. And one of the problems with decluttering when not everything about the place belongs to you. We have had a lot of miserable rainy days this past week but I got the laundry done and the beds ready for the next lot of visitors. I got wet twice yesterday going to church. I went three times so no wonder really as it rained most of the day. With what Christians call Holy Week starting on Sunday it is a busy week church-wise. I will be there most days this week for some service or other and do have to do my home communions too. There are hospital visits to do too if I can find the time. Some of our older, beloved members will not see winter out I fear. Messy Church yesterday was the usual chaos. I enjoyed sitting next to kids making Easter Baskets or a pot of flowers made of crepe paper and fastened to sticks, arranged in a cup of sand, Yes, the joys of children's handicrafts. It is good to see the boys sitting with a tongue just poking out concentrating on something to give Mum with her Easter egg. Kids do still love making something personal despite the fact that this is the techno age. I am trying to finish a crocheted rug to take to Broken Hill with me for Lucas. Yes, it is time to update rugs I gave the grandchildren five years ago. Everyone has grown and now their feet stick out the bottom of the rugs and they want Granma to make bigger, longer, more stretchy rugs. I think we are going to need them this winter as it is looking like it could be a cold one. So I'm starting with Lucas's and Naomi's is next. I am 18 months a widow now and really starting to feel the loneliness at night. I think it is possibly because we have just gone off daylight saving and so the days are shorter and the nights longer. But I also find that by 6pm the world has quietened down and I suddenly feel the need for companionship. Of course I have friends to reach out to via the phone or the computer but that is somehow not comforting. Like another widow said to me recently: "If only someone would ask me 'do you want a cup of tea dear' like Eric did." Yes I can really relate to that although in my case it was me doing the asking. But at least it was companionship, I sometimes failed to realise that at the time. I have not been one for going out at night since probably 2005 when Ray had his fourth stroke but do remember now how nice it was to go out with friends or maybe to eat out somewhere special. There was that freedom after all the children finally left home and we were alone, Darby and Joan. It is good to think back to those days and remember going off in the car sometimes to dinners or a friend's house. Of course Ray when he was still working was also out and about and we seemed to have so many friends. That all disappeared with the strokes and our slow withdrawal from society. I know for a fact those days are not coming back now I am a single. I am a widow, an older, single lady, the proverbial "fifth wheel". If I do join a social group that has evening events that might help but I hate the thought of driving somewhere alone on foggy winter nights. Maybe I will just get a stack of books and read my way through winter. And of course there are those bags of wool too. As usual life takes a good deal of sorting out.

Fred, my life has been an adventure in other ways. I was a migrant child, came to Australia when I was seven, led a good life, three children, seven grandchildren, married 44 years. Yes, God is good. The strokes Ray had were a curse in one way and a blessing in many ways including meeting so many wonderful people on Strokenet. God sure works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform. Make the most of the blessings on your journey Fred. Heaven can wait.

Katrina, it is hard for doctors to assess you because of your history I think but having the trets was a smart move and I hope good things come out of it for you.

What Debbie is writing about here we can merchandising. Merchandising you can do in your own hours as long as you meet deadlines. Usually you work either for an agency or for a manufacturer with multiple products in a supermarket. I did think about that early in my time at home with Ray but he couldn't be left at all because of his balance issues. In today's world I could have got a telecommuting job at home or run a business online from home...who knows? Good luck with finding a job that fits in with your lifestyle. I think there is something out there for you if you have the patience to find it. Sue.

Terry, you live your life with courage and compassion, and that is what counts.

Kelli, you are so demanding! Katrina, good luck with the decorating, something nice about making a place your own. Grab your Dad for help but not advice is he is anything like mine was. Think of the opportunities you have to express your personality in your new home.

Not my kind of music but as we say here: "whatever floats your boat".

Terry, I have an uneasy relationship with my only sister, from time to time she reconnects, I act as if she has been here all along. After a short while there is a blowup, something she thinks I should have done, some way she thinks I have failed her and there may be four years since the next reconnection. Works for me. I love the peace and quiet.

Happy Birthday Bruce. I'd sing only you wouldn't hear me that far away. Have a great time celebrating and may there be photos of the happy event posted on the next blog please. Sue.

Asha, you will find something to do when the time comes. You are always telling me to go with the flow and now I am reminding you that is what you need to do. If there are changes ahead that is a bit frightening but your faith will allow you to make the changes you need when the time is right.

The ideal family is only what we see in movies. The rest of us struggle with one family member or another who is out of the picture. Like you I try to keep in touch regardless of outcome but to be the one making the moves all the time does get old fast. Go on and enjoy the holidays with or without imput from your family Terry.

I think it is good that you got answers about the miscarriage, As a woman you always wonder. And 2 vials of blood instead of 7 seems good too. Perhaps they have the answers they want. You seem to be moving in a good direction now.

Mike, glad you were able to share this with us, 18 month since Ray died and I am still on here as a volunteer. So sad that Bernie had a lot to contend with during the last months of her life, I know what that is like. Ray had twelve months in a nursing home and the last six months not so good before he died. There is life ahead of you, be kind to yourself, take things slow and you will get there. (((hugs))) from Sue.

I always think "things are going to be better when..." Things will be better when I get over Ray;s death, things will be better when I have the cabin roof fixed, things will be better when I get used to living alone. I know, I know, if it has to be it is all up to me. But I do not see it that way sometimes so things will be better when I get someone to help me, things will get better when I find someone to do things with, things will be better when ..... It isn't a real big deal but today I got a letter from the lawyer saying my sister is disputing Mum's small investment payout. I also got the cheque for half myself today. It was a tiny amount they invested about 25 years ago at a tiny interest and it has doubled in value. I found that out after waiting about 75 minutes on the phone and speaking to five different people! So I am not disputing it and she can of she wishes to. I am so over every move I make being questioned. My sister never wanted to help with Mum's care or anything else, she wouldn't even be co-executor of Mum's estate. She didn't speak to Mum for about 25 years and now she wants a "please explain"...for sweet Pete's sake! 0n a bright note I have had an unexpected visit from Trev who came back to Sydney with Edie as she had damaged her ankle in a fall and needed help carrying her luggage etc. He came down by car leaving Alice and Lucas with Nanny. Edie is on a two week course learning Crime Scene Photography and Finger-printing so Trevor decided to come up and do some of my odd jobs for me this week. It has been great and we have done some small things I would never have managed on my own. We also had dinner with the three local grandkids last night and their Mum so a bit of family stuff which was good for all of us. It all helps me to feel supported and that gets rid of the thought that "someone should do something for me occasionally". Like all of you I felt unsupported, or under supported through Ray's many years of invalidity and just hate that feeling. As I age it is hard not to turn into a Grumpy Old Woman or Whingeing Widow Woman but it becomes harder to maintain a happy smiling presence when a lot of the time I do not feel like smiling. Laughing out loud yes, smiling no. There is so much irony in life that there is plenty to laugh at. The cold weather is coming, the birds are starting to form flocks I noticed last night. I am planning for winter, daylight saving finishes next weekend and then the longer nights will come so quickly. I have the break planned at the end of April and am looking forward to that but there is still the thought of that long grey period ahead to give me an uneasy feeling. Widowhood sucks some times. And I don't know how to change that, except my usual way, one day at a time. There is so much else for other people to worry about that I feel like my small troubles don't warrant a second thought, murders, massacres, millions dying of starvation or as a result of the many small wars always going in in our world. There was another shooting at Fort Hood which today caught world wide attention and they are still out searching for that plane that went down somewhere between here and India with so many lives lost. So that lost and lonely feeling that I have from time to time does not count for much does it? Of course it does to me. We each bear our own pain. On a brighter note I have to dress in white tee shirt, white slacks and a long red wig and sing (or lip-sync) Abba songs at our Apex40 convention in May. Picturing that should give you nightmares for a week.

I took the advice of my Dad who said: "Have some fun on the way through life, no-one is guaranteed a happy ending," He took all his holidays every year as he had seen people take retirement and then die with a heart attack or whatever so he determined not to do that and lived till he was 87. My Mum, like your Dan used to throw tantrums while we were away (Ray and I took them on holidays) and would chain smoke and sulk sometimes, Dad always said: "Don't let's stay and give her the satisfaction " and so we would walk away and leave her to get over it. Sometimes I also did that with Ray when he sulked until he stroked and was 24/7, then I just went out into the garden with my coffee.. Vent away any time you need to. We'll read it and know what you are going through.