swilkinson

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  1. swilkinson
    I am sitting here thinking about Life. Not a good idea as the busier I am the happier I am. But I spent all day writing out Christmas cards yesterday and I feel less Christmassy than before I stated. Seems as if it is a waste of time, paper in, paper out, words in, words floating out into space like released party balloons never to be seen again.. I think it is because there is not a good news story here, just the bumbling day by day event that I call my life. I think I am tired of keeping up appearances and that is why this Christmas, the third since Ray died and my first without family close by is the hardest so far.
     
    I can't remember being less enthusiastic about Christmas than I am this year. I will be hosting dinner on Christmas night for my family from the south, Shirley and her family but they will have had a huge lunch at Craig's brother's place so I know they will only want a light meal here. They will be staying a couple of nights though so perhaps the day after Christmas will seem more like Christmas Day for me with family around and a lot of hustle and bustle. Family around does make a big difference to how I feel about life. I was hoping by now I would be content with living on my own but I think that goal is a lot further off than I thought.
     
    The boys I will not see till late summer so I will just phone them with my greetings. My younger son Trevor has been in a bad way since his wife left him four weeks ago and I have been in contact daily as has his sister. He is moving out of the marital home at last into a tiny miners cottage that will be just big enough for himself and his daughter Alice when she is there. At least this will be a fresh start for him and he will have a base again. He had to see out the lease in the other house so it was full of bad memories and contributed to the way he was feeling.
     
    So what will I do on Christmas Day? I will go to church, go to a friend's for lunch, then be home in time to prepare a light dinner. I thought of going just down to the park and having a picnic there but it seems like a lot of effort as they will be here for a couple of days we will have opportunities to do that on Boxing Day. The tree is up, some tinsel draped so there are some decorations and it looks like Granma is celebrating Christmas even if she is not really doing so in her heart.
    I have just replied to the cards I have been sent. I know this will mean a lot of post Christmas letters as I will get some on Christmas Eve but I thought I would do it this way so I know how many just send a reply. With Facebook and emails now a lot of people don't send out cards anyway.
     
    I have been busy with the Christmas Stocking ticket selling and church and a lot of side issues. Life is closing down for Christmas in Australia as it always has. I usually read through January but might do some of the small trips I have been putting off. I know the trains will be crowded, the weather hot etc but I need to keep busy. I know that seems to be my theme lately but I know it works for me, less time on my hands, less time to feel how empty my life is and to feel sorry for myself.
     
    Time was I would look around me and find some lonely person to come and share our Christmas Day with, looking further down the track that person may be me with some kind church family offering to have me over for lunch and looking to make sure this old lady from church is enjoying herself. I don't know if that will be good or not. Maybe those I invited over looked happy enough but inside were wondering how long they had to stay before someone would drop them home into the pool of silence in which they were accustomed to live?
     
    Where would I like to be? On a site called Widowed Village where I keep another blog I wrote about that:
     
    http://widowedvillage.org/profiles/blogs/i-wish
     
    It is not meant to be a sad blog, for me it was just a trip down memory lane. I know people think I am doing great and to a certain extent I am taking back my life now but there is still a part of me that is sad and lonely and without direction. I am like a search engine looking for that one small story that will make everything else in my life make sense. Maybe that will happen one day, maybe not.
     
    Merry Christmas everybody and a good outcome for all in 2015.
  2. swilkinson
    The music stops, the couples pick up their bags, the singles wait for their transport, the party is over for another year. The highlight of my Christmas party season is the WAGS (Working Age Group for Stroke) Christmas party. The people who belong to that group have been the foundation of my life for 8 years, six with Ray alive and the two since. I know many of them have a heavier load than even I had but they still have time to think of others, to reach out, to share on Facebook or in an email. If the saying is true: “If you want something done ask a busy person.” then it is more true that when you have a burden to carry you can rely on these true burden bearers, someone who already has too much trouble in their life who will still add you to their thoughts or prayer list. They are wonderful people.
     
    I must confess that I have become a trifle sentimental in my old age. Where there is dancing and music, happiness comes in many disguises. Happiness forms like a bubble surrounding us so the weather is fine and the day is lovely and all of a sudden love is all around. Not the one-to-one love we see in the movies but that general sense of love that comes with being with good friends and knowing you are safe to be a little silly and enjoy yourself. It is a wonderful feeling and like a bubble sometimes lasts only seconds but it leaves a kiss on your heart.
     
    I am still the Dancing Diva, the music plays and I dance. But I was not the only one dancing, the caregivers dance, the survivors dance, not only those lightly affected but those who can barely stand up and those who need a wheelchair or a scooter. Wonderful to have a dance partner who just appreciates movement and music and the mood of the moment. I would tell you who but it would break the spell. Music and dancing and good food and funny people and ...I could go on and on.
     
    I am changing. I can feel the cocoon starting to shatter. It is a strange feeling. I don't know how long it will take but feel changes coming into my life again. The pre-Christmas season has been busy. I am doing four hour shifts at least twice a week selling tickets in our Lions Club Christmas Stocking. We have two people on at a time, so there is a social aspect to it, and as I have lived in this place for 31 years at the last stretch I do know a lot of people so plenty of chat with those who buy thee tickets too. Given that all the money then goes to various charities and projects a very good use of my spare time.
     
    I also have the church commitments. Sadly one of my home communion ladies is now in a hospice in Sydney, to be nearer to her daughter and another has just come home from hospital and is still recovering from pneumonia, for those two I send cards instead of paying visits. There are still others who ponder the reason for us thinking of Christmas as a family season when their family rarely visit and when they do it is only for too short a time, a brief appearance where so much more is needed. All I can do is sit and listen to what they have to say, I have no influence on the situation.
     
    The rest of the church year is packed with the usual end-of-year functions and the usual extra services for the season. I like the reminder of the foundations of our faith. I don't mind doing extra tidy ups and helping with Messy Church is a real joy to me. Now I don't see my own grandchildren seeing other people's is almost as good, there is a real comraderie in working alongside kids, helping to fix a wing to an angel or putting a crown on a king. Who could ask for any other reward than the smile on their faces when they catch a glimpse on themselves in the mirror?
     
    I had four days with my daughter and family last week and that was good. The two children both got an award at their Presentations so we sat through two of those. They are good kids, taught to be steady workers at home and at school. I also went to Carols in the Park, not a big flash event but eleven bandsmen including my two grandchildren who play the cornet, in a small grassy area in a low social economic area, only ten people actually came from that community and stayed during the performance but every car load driving past saw the Sallies were back in their area again. It is about what we call the ministry of presence – I am here if you need me.
     
    And so the busy time comes. I have got some baubles on my Tree, I will try to put up some decorations this week, cleaning as I go. I do seem to have neglected the house a lot since I got so busy and so tired too. The humid weather doesn't help in that way. But it is a happy season and does bring out the goodwill in the community, people do smile more and offer a greeting and hopefully will be more generous in giving to those in need not only to our cause but to the many helping hand organisations that need a boost this time of the year.
     
    I wish you renewed strength as you struggle with the season, the good and the bad, the exhilarating and the tiring. The meaning for me as a Christian is love – love spread wide and far, love of neighbour and love of others, whoever you encounter in your daily living. May it also be a season of blessing for us all.
  3. swilkinson

    finding my heart

    By swilkinson,

    Do you ever wonder what is happening to your thoughts at this time of the year? I am sure we all suffer from some sort of emotional confusion as we look at the world through the filter of our own problems. So far I do not have a single decoration up, no tree, no tinsel, nothing to show that Christmas is coming. I haven't written in any cards or posted any Christmas letters. It feels as if I am just not emotionally ready. I thought it would improve this year, I've passed the two year anniversary of both Ray and Mum now so I wonder what is holding me back?
     
    I've just been down to my daughter's place. It is always nice to go down and visit with her and her family, they are the ones closest to me now, only four hours away by train. The start of the journey was Sunday, not a good day to travel as there is always work being done on the line so I was 40 minutes late into the station where Shirley picks me up, she and Christopher had waited all that time. The purpose of the timing was so I could attend a couple of Presentations Days, Naomi's on Monday and Christopher's on Tuesday night. It was worth the trip to see them both get awards, Naomi was excited when she found hers had a $50 book voucher with it so she has some serious shopping to do.
     
    I still do not have firm plans for Christmas Day, a friend asked me to lunch, now she is going to a cousin's place and would I like to come too? Will I or won't I? Shirley and co will be here in the late afternoon so I could go and it would stop me moping around here with a long face. It is hard to make decisions based on no particular knowledge of what is going to happen. But I am lucky compared to so many really with only myself to worry about now. I could go to church, come home, eat my weight in prawns and nap all afternoon. That sounds like a good alternative to being sociable.
     
    The party season is in full swing, the only party I really like is on Saturday and I like it because it has dancing. I have become a dancing diva as my Facebook friends will tell you. I did go once to a local Seniors dance but it was New Vogue, a dance mostly to do with waltzing and as I have not got a partner that is not really practical. It is too hard to dance a twelve sequence dance with strangers when you are just learning. However one of the ladies who used to run a dance school is organizing for me to get some video tapes so I can learn some of the more complicated dances at home so maybe by the middle of next year I will be able to do that. Picture me perched on stilettos with a big skirt and big hair to match. Rumba anyone?
     
    This summer is showing signs of being a hot one and we have had chains of thunderstorms marauding up and down the coast for the past week or so. The two I saw from Shirley's verandah were beautiful as the lightning zig zagged and reflected across the Lake and I did get some joy out of the beauty of it all before it came over head and frightened the heck out of her two dogs. They came inside for a while to calm their nerves. I wish I liked storms but I don't really.
     
    No storm on the night I went with her Salvation Army band to a small park in a rundown area to play some Christmas Carols, both of my two grandchildren played with the band this year. Naomi is only a beginner so played about four of the Carols in the program. The bandmaster is glad to have the younger ones coming on. Nothing compares to Carols played by a Brass Band. I sang with the ladies and we would have been better with a few male voices but they were all using their wind to play their instruments. I hope you have bands in your area to add that brassy sound to Christmas.
     
    My book for the train journey was one someone gave me last Christmas, it contains a lot of short stories of peoples experiences. I learned that I am a xenophile, a lover of strangers. I always knew that as as soon as I sit down on a bus seat or in a railway carriage someone starts to talk to me. I have one of those universal faces that says "grandmotherly type" before I even open my mouth. Today's first speaker was a Chinese lady married to an Irishman. She was going to help out at a Palliative Care unit for cancer survivors. She said it could be a sad place but it isn't, there is a lot of laughter there.Next was a man who had to go to a heart doctor. I told him I was just finding my heart again, it seemed to not beat as passionately for a long time and now I can feel the difference. He smiled and said he was glad to hear that.
     
    Now I am home I must get the house brighter and happier looking. I need to put away the winter things, like all my wools and get out some of the prettier summer fabric in cushions and throwovers and get a summer look going. I don't really want to but know I have to. The house needs to look refreshed and festive and inviting to anyone who will call over the Christmas period. There is not usually many that do visit but all must be made to feel welcome here. Also I've got to start on those cards and letter. I tell myself: "Don't think about it, just do it."
     
    There was a little pastoral crisis while I was away so I need to make some phone calls and do a couple of home visits. Then of course there are the home communions and nursing home visits, the times I am rostered to sell tickets in the Lions Club Christmas Stocking, the Lions club meeting etc. There is always plenty to do. If you have the heart for it.
  4. swilkinson

    A candle flame

    By swilkinson,

    Today I had a visit from an old friend, old in the sense of from a long time ago, young in the sense of who we were back in the days when I came to this area in my mid-teens. He was the younger brother of one of my friends, the young one, the teenager, when the older ones seemed like men. He knew of some of my boyfriends pre-Ray, remembered my wedding, the birth of the first two of my three children. He was going to bring his 94 year old mother to see me but she was too tired to come today so he arrived early and I didn't get to chat. Sorry to whoever was there, I did mean to do it but as he had only just arrived it seemed the wrong thing to do, to leave him on his own.
     
    I have lived a long life, not as long as some but a life packed full of experiences, both good and bad. I was born in England and migrated with my family at the age of seven. I think I have blogged about a lot of that buried way back in the first few blogs so will not repeat those stories. Our lives are full of stories, of course we do not see them until that episode is over so the pattern of our life appears. I know there are times when we are in despair because we think things will never change, that we are stuck in this one situation forever but it is not so, life goes on and we with it.
     
    Looking back on the 13 years I looked after Ray I am so glad now that I was able to do it. That there were always people around me trying to help in some way. For those of you in despair right now please look around at your many friends and supporters here and in your every day life. Ask for help when you need it, ask if people know where you can get help. A lot of times it was not some professional person, not a doctor or specialist but aides and nurses who told me how to find help. Often it was someone who was also a caregiver. In my earlier blogs I recorded that too, the girl who signed the forms for Ray to go to Camp Breakaway for the first time by using his dementia to get me some funding, the nurses, here and on Strokenet, who told me how to make up a bed to help make the change after an episode of incontinence easier to manage.
     
    My visitor's mother is my daughter's Godmother. She was a good friend to my Mum so that seemed a logical choice. She had a large family and added to it whoever she saw as being in need of some family time so when I went there for a visit there were boys everywhere, as a teenage girl a dream situation...lol. So I always had a choice of dance partners, someone to join for a game of cards, someone to go for a walk with etc. It only lasted a little while and the older boys went off to start their careers and the girls stayed on to work locally as I did and the time was over. It was fun to recall all of that though, I think I had forgotten that it ever happened.
     
    One of the older brothers was called up for National Service and finished up not in Vietnam but in a Queensland Air Base preparing helicopters for Vietnam. The other trained as a pilot but finished up as an engineer and then an instructor and also stayed in Australia. It is the accident of chance isn't it? Something we think of when we look at our lives and ask: “Why me?” or “Why not me?”
     
    Sometimes I am seeing life a little more clearly now. It has been a long time coming, this clarity. I read on here of all the foggy situations we all find ourselves in on the medical merry-go-round, with our loved ones or in our own care situation and wish this clarity was available there too. But honestly if I had known what the future held in some parts of Ray's illness I would have fallen into despair or not been willing to continue his care knowing what was ahead so maybe it is better foggy than clear at some times in our life.
     
    I recently went to a Memorial Service held by the local Palliative Care people. I went to accompany the friend whose 47 year old son died this year. It is a beautiful service particularly the part where the bereaved and their friends go forward to light a candle in remembrance. That is part of what I do in my blogs now, I light a candle to some part of the memories of Ray I hold in my heart. The candle burns briefly and then dies but I hope in it's brief life it was beneficial to someone else to also see that small glow.
     
    I wonder whether my musings are relevant here now, whether I have got too far out from the coalface of day-by-day caregiving to be of any use to anyone. I hope that the encouragement and support I can offer is enough to make up for that. I do love being on here, helping in some small ways to hold the candle up high enough for someone else to see ahead.
     
    Peace be with you all, in your daily round, enough peace to make life worthwhile even on the most frustrating day.
  5. swilkinson
    Life is busy. It is mostly good too but a couple of events this week have cast a shadow over the joy of the season, one is that an old and trusted friend has stage 4 cancer and I can't get to see her right now and the other is that my younger son's wife has walked out and is preventing him from seeing the children. I am so far away from both of them and I want to be with them, in two different directions and I have so many obligations here that my time is so committed and I just can't get away for a few days.
     
    At my stage of widowhood I am getting a lot of unsolicited advice. All of it is well-intentioned, all of it is valid, most of it is useless and has no bearing on my life whatsoever. All I can do is laugh it off. A cousin of Ray's who has been divorces three times and is for now happily married told me today that it is perfectly all right for me to ask a man to go out with me. He said if you like someone and they are single just go and ask them to come with you to the pictures or something. I am afraid I was born in the wrong generation for that. I was taught that a man asked a woman out, he picked her up, he opened the door for her etc. I know it doesn't work like that today but 46 years ago, when I was last dating it did work like that.
     
    Last week I went to the church movie night. Due to circumstances I ended up being the only one from our group there so decided to go into the movie alone. There were only a few people in the theatre so I had a row to myself. One woman in the next row over went out and when she came back in I overheard her male partner say: "There honey, snuggle in." I didn't see the movie for a while as I was crying for the love I had and lost. That man Ray who was supposed to be with me till we were too old to go out. I so miss being with someone special, being half of Ray and Sue.There is no going back of course but sometimes I just ache with longing for those times long past.
     
    Most of you who know me well know I like to keep busy. My calendar is dotted with places I need to be, times I need to be there. In some cases there is a clash and I have to choose. Some of the advisers tell me this is wrong and I should choose just a handful of events and just do them, leaving me plenty of time to declutter my house etc. They of course are right up to a point, sooner or later I need to do a lot of decluttering but right now I am busy and life is full of unexpected joy. I enjoyed just seeing a couple of old friends today while I did my four hour stint on the Lions Club Christmas Stocking. This unexpected meeting in both cases started up a conversation full of delightful memories of outings we had together. Of course we have aged and there is some problems with our bodies etc but our love has not diminished and we were truly glad to catch up again. But I fear that is it, in both cases it is a friendship based in the past and that really is where it will stay.
     
    My mind keeps going back to my son. I have rung him today and so far he is coping. he has very little work as another mine where they clean the restrooms etc is suspending operations due to the low iron ore prices. He needs to get accommodation on his own now as a five bedroom house is too big and expensive for him to rent. He has to have two bedrooms so Alice can have one when she visits. All I can do from here is talk to him, comfort him, give what advice I think might be applicable. My daughter, the Salvation Army Officer, has welfare experience so she is giving him advice that is probably more useful than mine.
     
    My son left a good job to go with his wife so she could have the career she wanted. It is a mine field for a married couple who have only been together for a few years, there are untold hazards embedded in moving, change of jobs, one working more hours that the other. Ray and I did it three times and somehow our marriage survived, but we were from that committed generation. We believed that marriage vows we said did mean till death us do part. We worked on the principle that said raise the kids and then have your fun. Of course we had the last of our children, Trevor, to fifteen when Ray had the first stroke so it didn't all work out as planned.
     
    I know a lot of people reading this will know what I am talking about as they too have been through this separation and divorce in their family, the splitting up of assets, the moving from the family home etc. A lot of families are fractured and yet somehow they cope. It is times like this when I really miss my practical man. I can say the calming things, the sensible things, the warm and fuzzy things, but Ray would have spoken to Trevor man-to-man and that is something we will both miss, that real old-fashioned father figure in our lives.
     
    And so as usual it is go on alone, one step at a time, one day at a time but looking out for the joy on the way.
     
    Today is also the second anniversary of my Mum's death. Rest in peace Mum, till we meet again.
  6. swilkinson
    Hello, my name is Sue, I am a widow of a stroke survivor, my late husband Ray, a volunteer here at Strokenet and yes, it is official, I am a Dancing Diva. I got this award for dancing on Friday and Saturday nights at the WAGS Women's Weekend.
     
    I have not always been a Dancing Diva although dancing was a big part of the courtship between Ray and I. I danced most Friday nights and some Saturday nights from the age of sixteen until we married when I was twenty one. I had friends, family members or boyfriends who drove me to dances and I met Ray at a dance. Ray had been a dance instructor and danced divinely, I was always a bit slap dash but light on my feet which is a blessing to your partner's feet. Being trodden on is no fun. Ray was serious about dancing and a delight to dance with.
     
    The dancing we did at that time was called Old Time dancing, the dances were Reels, the Valeta, the Pride of Erin, the Canadian Three Step, the Barn Dance of course and similar set piece dances. On demand there was also the Jazz Waltz and some other more modern type South American dances. I was a whizz at the Gay Gordons as I could spin around really fast. Once a month I went to a Rock and Roll dance held by a local teen club. I helped host a dance once a month at my Teen Club. That is lots of work as everything from the hot wash of the floor to the sandwich making and setting out of chairs was done by us teens under supervision.
     
    Our dancing days continued throughout our married life probably monthly until Ray had the 1990 stroke and dancing, particularly waltzing caused vertigo. We tried a few times but it no longer worked, it was no longer fun, so it was one of the many things we had to give up. And there were a lot of things we had to give up over those many years, especially after the two major strokes in 1999 so dancing became a thing of the past, just part of those memories of long ago. I have recorded elsewhere the way Shirley and I managed to make it appear that Ray danced the Bridal Waltz at her wedding but that is a story from another time.
     
    Then I went to the first WAGS Women's Weekend. “Get up” said one of my hew friends and dragged me onto the dance floor where we wiggled and giggles and spurred each other on to Abba and BoneyM and yes even Kylie Minogue. So began my three dances a year, two at the Women's Weekend and one at the Christmas Party a month later. A large group of women dancing together is an unusual sight but it is also a happy sight, particularly as at the Women's Weekends both Caregivers and Survivors are together on the floor, holding hands, sometimes dancing in a line or just singly. It is a feat in itself that we can achieve the harmony we do. Oh the joys of moving to the music, the happiness of being hot and sweaty, sides aching and dropping back at the table to drink one more glass of water.
     
    At the Christmas party though the reproachful glances of Ray from the table at the perimeter of the dance floor at first looked like anger and when I returned to sit next to him he always asked to go home early as he had a headache or was tired. As it was a daytime party this might only be two o'clock in the afternoon so I would say: "After the next dance maybe" and hoped the dementia would allow him to forget. There was a solution to that too and soon someone would come and sit with him and he would be engaged in conversation and all was well.
     
    Forward to this year and I decided I needed to join in life and try and get out and about more on my own and make some changed. What to cling to, what to give up, what to give away? They were the new questions in my life. Give up Strokenet? No because I love it here and think I can still use my past experiences and be useful. Give up the Dementia Groups? Yes, because that was always more about Mum than about Ray. Give up WAGS... er, umm, well maybe back away a bit, not go to the meetings every month but keep in touch with all those wonderful women who had become friends and I could do that on Facebook and through a few personal calls.
     
    Mid October I realised I wasn't very fit, I thought of joining a gym but that is a pretty pricey option and I was not sure I wanted to go into lycra and sweat in front of a roomful of people. So I looked around to see what I could do and remembered I had the Wii set up for the grandchildren and had Just Dance 2 and so I have been dancing an hour a day to Just Dance2 on the Wii at home and I must say my skills and stamina have improved out of sight. So I bought Just Dance3 as a bit of variety and now someone told me there is a Zumba version so I might look at that too.
     
    This time last year I said I would not be going to another WAGS Women's Weekend. The pressure started so I gave in and said I would go to the dinner on Saturday night and stay for the dancing. I had to do the sermons on Sunday at church so that seemed reasonable. Then the phone calls started, why are you not coming, please come, we want you to come. So I said okay I will come all day Saturday. Then one person asked why I was giving up the things I liked to do? It is a fair question. Why would I give up the things I LOVED to do? So I said okay I would sleep over Friday night as well.
     
    On Thursday our locum (temporary minister) rang to tell me she had muddled up the dates and had the Synodsmen speaking on Sunday and could I do the preaching on the next Sunday instead? So the guilt of going away went away (it should never have been there anyway) and I was cleared to have a WAGS Women's Wonderful Weekend as usual. What a blessing it was for me. I did decide to come home after the dance on Saturday though as I didn't want to engage again in the tearful goodbyes on Sunday morning.
     
    I won't describe it all in minute details but we laughed, cried and shouted with that manic laughter that is so close to hysterics. We talked in groups around the pool and one-on-one in the corners of the room. I heard the stories of the ladies who have joined through the year and who I didn't know well and regained the confidences of those I have travelled with on my journey too. It is wonderful, unbelievably happy and yet can be sad too and so releasing and I love it now as I always have but for different reasons to when I was a hands-on, full time caregiver.
     
    I could not believe it on Saturday night when we had the first WAGSTER Awards and I got a plastic statuette and was the inaugural recipient of the Dancing Diva Award. I must say there was a lot of laughing at my discomfort and not sure of those pictures of my astonished face, hope they don't turn up on Facebook. I am sixty seven and have my FIRST dance award! Well isn't that an amazing thing? And to be surrounded by such love and laughter is an amazing thing too.
     
    My friend was right, you should never give up the things you really love to do. They may have to be put on the back burner for a while but one day they will be available to you once more. Thank you to the Wonderful Women of WAGS and the wonderful women and men on this site for all you are to me.
  7. swilkinson
    Today was the day in my church when we remember those we love who have recently died. I deliberately didn't put Mum's and Ray's names down as I didn't want to hear their names read out but some dear sweet friend did so I got through the service and then had a mini meltdown. Now I hate that it happened. It is two years for Ray, almost two years for Mum and it still seems like yesterday sometimes. I keep thinking I am getting over it, I am almost over it, surely I am over it now but it seems it does not work that way at all
     
    I keep telling myself I need to start a new life, make some changes, forget the past and get on with the future. But it doesn't sink in far enough for me to put my thoughts into actions. Okay, I am a work in progress and like the renovated church I spoke of in my last blog there is a lot of work still to be done. I know I need to stop beating myself up for where I am right now and accept that sometimes I will feel sad for no reason, no explanation. Then when I do hit special dates I need to prepare to feel that way again.
     
    We all know that through our caregiving days special dates, Christmas, Mother's day, Father's day, birthdays and anniversaries will be difficult to cope with as they were once such good times and now cannot be celebrated in the same way and that goes on into widowhood too. There is no celebrations because there is no-one to celebrate with. The family will maybe remember briefly but won't contact or think about it much beyond that passing thought. Friends have their own lives to live so your sorrow will not be remembered and so your isolation seems so much worse.
     
    I had a discussion with my daughter when she rang this week and I will have her family here for a late dinner on Christmas night. Good. I will plan for that. I will get up and go to church and spend some time ringing other people I know who will be shut in or out of current society, like the people on the church sick list. That way I will not feel as if it is just me. I don't want to be caught up in my own little pity party, that is not a good way to spend a day. I want to be thankful for what I have had in the past. I have had many happy Christmases and now that has changed there are those to look back on.
     
    Oh for a visit to heaven, how I would love a hug and a word of affection. Some weeks I do get a hug from one of the other widows from church, some weeks nothing. I really miss my younger son Trevor since he has moved to Broken Hill as he would look at me sometimes and say: “Come here Mum, you need a hug.” and he was always right. It is hard not to have someone to show you affection. I get cyberhugs here and on Facebook but not the real thing. I really miss the bearhug Trevor would give me and my daughter too, she is a great hugger as well.
     
    We have had a series of thunderstorms in the last few days. Not a lot of rain, a little more would have been handy. Yesterday travelling home from a day out with a friend we seemed to be travelling on the edge of a storm, thunder and lightening and heavy rain slashing down on us. I was really glad to get home. When I got up this morning some of my flowerpots had toppled over and I had to set them straight again. As the storm was accompanied by wind gusts there are a lot of leaves too so that will be the task tomorrow afternoon, rake the leaves up. I am lucky that I have so much to keep me busy I suppose.
     
    I am still struggling a bit to know what to do on Friday and Saturday nights. Now it is November and the days are longer and the nights warmer it is the party season I can now hear parties going on in the houses close by. There are pool parties, BBQs scenting the air, the cries of babies, the shouts of small children and laughter all around. I guess that just adds to the loneliness, I am stuck here alone, a pity party in the making. When Ray was alive I was far too busy to accept invitations so now I simply don't get any. I am forgotten by the friends I once had and the older widows I associate now would never guess how lonely I am as when I see them I have my happy sociable face on and they do not see the loneliness I feel. Silly in a way as they are the ones who would understand.
     
    I know many on here must read my blogs and say how trivial my small worries are. They would be right too. I need to buck up, put my big girl pants on and get on with life, right? I have to remember the good times and not the sad times. Well, I guess I need to work on that some more, I'm sure I am not alone in that.
  8. swilkinson

    a renovated life

    By swilkinson,

    I have been renovating my life. I have been building new bridges between me and some of the people that were sidelined by Ray's long illness and his subsequent death. It is not an easy process. A lot of people thought I should have paid him less attention and gone on with my life. One of those people is my older son. I am sure the rocky relationship we have now is partly due to that belief. However even that can be patched and maybe one day be better because of what we have both learned. I am hoping so anyway.
     
    He lives in Adelaide now, a two hour flight away. I saw him and his children and his partner last Friday night, although I had seen the children during the last school holidays I had not seen my son for a while. I was glad to have the opportunity to go to his home and then out to dinner with them all. It was good to just be Granma with her son and grandchildren. It has not been a good relationship since Ray died, I think we all thought: "Now things will go back to normal" but normal is not a place it is a state of mind and all of us have moved on from there. Ray's absence is so obvious at family gatherings and there is nothing we can do but get used to that fact.
     
    I actually went down to Adelaide to the commissioning of our past minister in his new church. It was an interesting place he was commissioned in. There are three churches on the one block of land. There is a small stone church which would hold about thirty people, that is the original church. There is a marvelous new church, built because the second, newer one was burned down by an angry young man who thought he had been insulted by one of the wardens who was trying to regulate his behavior. So angry he felt that he came back with a flaming torch and burnt the church down. Imagine the distress among the community, not so many are churchgoers but still many regard a particular church as "their church" and the act of burning down a church reverberated around a large portion of the community for that reason.
     
    The community, up in arms about the event, decided to rebuild the church and what you see now is the less than completed renovated church in progress. It has taken many years to build but it is now roofed over and the walls completed but not as yet used full time. It is used as a bridal chapel and for smaller prayer meetings. I was glad to see they have added a passageway between the renovated church and the new one so it is still part of the main complex, not just a sad addition - no longer used as the main church but a useful addition that is still used for small events but not for the main functions.
     
    I am telling you this because that is where I think I am now. A very traumatic event happened in my life, the death of my husband followed two months later by the death of my mother. Like the roof of the church I collapsed. I am now rebuilding. I still feel as if there is much work needed to get me to where I want to be, a new updated Sue, useful, welcome, part of the mainstream of life. You and my friends and family in real time are the community that is helping with the rebuilding.
     
    I am still useful, I come on here and post and comment, I still do my stint as a chat host, I still do the weekly Blog reports. I still take an interest in all the caregivers in particular have going on in their lives. I still attend Lions Club meetings and help out in any way I can in the community. I still do hospital, nursing home and home visits on behalf of the church. There are a lot of useful years in me still. But in no way do I want to be the Main Event. Too old and too sensible for that. And I no longer have that driving ambition I once had.
     
    Can we stop the collapse from happening? I think not. Keeping yourself strong does help, having "ME time" and "time out" does help, keeping fit and healthy does help. But long term caregiving is a big job and takes a lot out of the person doing it and at some stage a collapse might happen. My advice is wait out the grief, take positive steps to reemerge from your cocoon and if you feel stuck in the grieving call on friends and family for help. Always remember you are stronger because of what you have been through and somehow you will survive.
     
    That is my thought for today. I hope that helps.
     
    *photo shared from the Facebook Page of (Rev) Stephen Bloor who holds the copyright..


  10. swilkinson

    time to reassess

    By swilkinson,

    I only have one of Ray's family that I am still in touch with, his older brother's wife. I rang her on Sunday night in answer to sundry messages left on my answer phone and sadly learned that one of Ray's brother-in-laws had died. I was away from Thursday to Sunday so I missed the phone calls and missed the funeral which was yesterday. I may not have gone anyway but I did send a card to Ray's sister. His two sisters were my bridesmaids and as I have a large photo of my wedding group on the wall I "see" them every day but have not seen this sister for at least twelve years, maybe longer as she was the one who did not come to Ray's funeral.
     
    It is another happening that makes me realise once again that life is short and if I want to do some of the things I have planned I have to do them sooner rather than later. So back to planning trips for next year. And trying once again to reconnect with old friends. Our lives go off at a tangent from the main plan so often. When Ray was alive I often thought I should have as an epitaph the words from the John Lennon song : "Beautiful Boy", "life is what happens when we're busy making other plans". Now my life has slowed right down, no rush to get him up, dressed, breakfasted etc, only me to get up and get about the day's business. It is such a different life as a widow but I think I am growing into it at last.
     
    I had a good time away with my Apex40 friends, 19 of us in all, three singles, the rest couples. Yes, I did feel envious of the ladies whose menfolk got them a drink, sat beside them, held hands etc but these are my friends and I want that for them. Yes, I and the widow I share a cabin with on these occasions now did feel a little left out as they went off in cars to do their own thing but we did find one set of small boutiques and browsed around and enjoyed the day and the company. One of the men did our BBQ for us and other women dropped into our cabin to stay and say "hello" so it seems they are also getting used to our new status. Sometimes I feel like the pioneer in this group of mostly married couples, and I guess they are all on a learning curve too.
     
    Spring is turning to summer storms, had a doozy last night, all flash and crash, not a lot of rain here though fierce winds hit Sydney. I hunkered down under the quilt and listened to the wind howling outside knowing that this time last year a freak wind blew my cabin roof off. That is safe so far this year. But as a widow, a woman on her own, I am afraid that something will happen that I can't fix, ridiculous really as I know I have good neighbours and family only three hours drive away but nevertheless there are times when I do feel very alone.
     
    So far there has been little growing in the garden but my tomato plants are in bloom and the possums chose to eat all of Brett'e herbs instead of mine so I do have parsley and basil and mint growing again. I love fresh herbs for cooking, herb fritters, herbs in scrambled eggs, herbed chicken, I have lots of herbed recipes. I must confess I hardly ever cook a meal from scratch, I got so used to cooking and freezing meals ahead when Ray was here and time was short that I still do that, cook mashed potatoes, defrost a casserole portion, combine the two, cook pasta, defrost a neopolitan portion, combine the two, you get the idea.
     
    I still don't like to do things I would have done with Ray if he had still been here. I think I still have survivor guilt, that feeling that says: " I shouldn't be enjoying myself when my loved one is no longer able to do so." I know that is silly way of thinking but it continues to be one of the things that holds me back from fully enjoying myself. I do wonder in a way if that feeling is something to do with self-protection. I saw a program recently on grieving and one of the commentators said that he thinks that some women still wrap themselves in widow's weeds and carry the grief with them wherever they go as a way of keeping the world at bay. That would seem out of touch with life today but maybe what I feel is in some ways similar
     
    I still have to remind myself that I am a work in progress. Yes, I can go out and enjoy myself. I can sing again and my laugh is back to full strength. One of the women on the weekend said that she knew where I was as she could hear my laughter five shops away. Now is that a good thing or a bad thing?
  11. swilkinson
    I got up today and the world was silent, for the last three nights I had my three grandchildren here so I got up and two voices said: "Hello Granma". My granddaughter was still in "her room". She always says: "Will I still be able to have my room?" She has had it since she was a small girl and it is hers till I leave here I guess. She is a teenager now, withdrawn, playing her own music, not joining in the activities but on Saturday night we watched "The Princess Bride" one of her favourite movies and she sat and giggled and enjoyed our company. That was a blessing.
     
    I had three fun mornings with them, we went to the lake just to the south of me and the nearby park on Thursday, to the beach and another park on Friday, that finished in a wailing match as Alex ran across the park in his bare feet and got bindiis (small sharp burrs) in both feet. So we came home to get first aid for him. Always something with kids. It was my first swim of the season and the water was cold but not too rough, the little boys splashed around and Tori swam backwards and forwards further out like a majestic swan. She enjoys the water and the time apart.
     
    On Saturday we went out to breakfast, something they seem not to be familiar with. Ray and I sometimes went out to breakfast. His favourite breakfast was hot cakes at McDonald's with a chocolate thick shake, though we also went to the shopping centre and got a traditional breakfast which he also enjoyed but we shared it as he never had much appetite of a morning. I really miss those days. I know he was sick but he could still be great company when he was in a good mood. Caregivers, please appreciate the good times you have together, one day they will come to an end. Survivors try to do some fun things with your caregiver, you really need to build up good memories of shared times together.
     
    This is the October long weekend that we used to call "Labour Day weekend". I think that name is frowned on now. It is the last weekend of the school's two week Spring break and there is a lot of traffic as Sydneysiders have a break close to home and the numbers double here on the Central Coast. We locals have to be patient because getting onto the main road and into the shops and parking is an art with so many extra cars on the road. This morning though as I drove to church the roads were almost empty, obviously all those nearby party animals whose loud music broke into my sleep last night were sleeping late this morning. Grrr!
    Tomorrow is the start of another busy week. People keep ringing me and asking if I can do this and that, I tell them it is hard to fit extra things in this time of the year. As you can imagine with summer, end-of-year activities and Christmas coming on fast we are very busy here in the southern half of the world. I would like some free days so I can go swimming and enjoy the beauty of the local beaches. No point in living close to the beach if you never see it. I have the Lions Club fundraisers ahead too so have to fit them in and a couple of weekends away planned. Yes, I have the freedom to do that now. And I am slowly learning how to plan a break for myself, that has been a while coming.
     
    Mainly thanks to the girls in chat I am feeling better again. I know that it was just the boredom of the every day routine that got me down for a while. I think I still have survivor guilt, that guilty feeling that says: "I shouldn't be enjoying myself when my loved one is no longer able to." I don't know why it has taken me so long to get to this stage of accepting that there is only me now, I think in a way it is because I don't want it to be that way. So thanks to all who support me on this site, in chat, on the forums and here in our Blog community. Your support means a lot to me.
     
    Sometimes I feel as if I could fill pages with what I miss about Ray. I think I have got this far into my recovery pretty well but sometimes one of those sudden waves of sadness washes over me and I feel as if I am being swept way down that black hole again. Watching couples walking hand in hand on the beach on Friday made me feel sad, that seems to be one of my triggers. No, it is not depression it is knowing that what we had is over and nothing ahead will ever be the same without him. Even getting my memories of what our life was like before the strokes back is painful. I want life to be like that again. Okay, get off the pity pot Sue and get out and do some gardening.
  12. swilkinson

    Friends or Predators?

    By swilkinson,

    Being a widow is different from being a wife, loneliness is a factor, not having someone to consult, doing all the things you have to do alone, planning for one, eating alone...you get the picture. But there is also a prejudice out there about widows. Someone recently called me a "merry widow"...hmmm, not sure about that. I do seem to be happier these days and probably just as well, it stops my friends asking the "are you over it yet" question all the time. Yes, I am over the initial shock, I do function like a human being. But there will always be the Sue'n'Ray thing, 44 years doesn't just vanish overnight, or even two years down the track.
     
    Last night I went out to one of my regular once a month dinners. But last night I came in with someone else. I got a lift to the dinner with one of the members as I had left one of my car doors slightly open and run down the battery so it would not start. No time to call the mechanic to come out and give me a jump start, my next door neighbour is away so no help there, so I phoned a friend. As I came in with "J" all eyes swiveled towards us, several people frowned and no-one came forward to greet me. Why? Because I was a widow travelling with a guy who already has a known girlfriend. And that was not okay? Really???
     
    The week has been busy, Shirley and Christopher overnight on Sunday night so farewelled them mid-morning and started to put the house to rights. Then John from next door came over and we did some more work on the back garden, it is bare up there now, no more herringbone fern. It will look good when I get finished with it I know. Moving some of the bromiliads up the back and some along the fence, I will take a photo of them when they bloom, I love their odd flowers and their vibrant colours. It has been nice to have someone to work alongside, that is another thing I have missed, the companionship involved in working with someone. Yes, John has a girlfriend too but I am not a threat to her.
     
    Tuesday was a wonderful Spring day and a woman friend and I (she is the one who lost her 47 year old son recently) had decided we would have a day out so we went to one of the local Surf Clubs with a beachside cafe and had morning tea, went for a long walk on the beach, went to my favourite Club and had lunch, then lingered over coffee in the lounge just looking at the view and relaxing. She said it was one of the nicest days out she has had recently and I agreed. I forget sometimes that I have these precious friends I can do some sharing with.
     
    Some of the new things in my life, like being a "does coffee" friend to a few of the other widows from church, being on Skype, having some flexibility so if a friend asks "are you busy today?" with a few exceptions I can clear my calendar and say "yes" and making the harder decisions without losing too much sleep are part of my recovery now. As you know I feel I can move forward but not yet move on...it is a personal decision and sometimes defies logic but when it happens to you you will understand. Some people take a year to get over losing a spouse, some people take a lifetime. That is the way it is.
     
    Last night on Skype I connected with one of the oldtimers from this site. I started life as a chat host doing general chat so got to know a lot of survivors as well as caregivers. This lady is a survivor. We have kept in touch since then and I recently learned that her husband, who was also her caregiver, had died. Yesterday we finally caught up on Skype. Of course the first thing we discussed was the time difference, the weather, the funny accents we both have, mine Aussie and hers American and then got down to the common area, we are both widows now. She cried and apologised, I cried a little too. It was a good call and a comfort to both of us. I hope we manage to catch up on a regular basis, somewhat difficult given the time gap but where there is a will there is a way.
     
    On chat each week I think G-d that I am still able to talk to the amazing women and men on this site who give so much love and attention, so much work and effort to keep their partner or parent in the home they love or who they support in a facility. Caregiving is not an easy job, not something anybody can do, not a highly paid or highly regarded job, but it is a job we do out of love. I had 12 years of hands on care with Ray and then a year where I commuted to his nursing home, I had two years of looking after Mum in my own home and 11 years of supervising Mum in her Dementia Lodge and then nursing home. Visiting in the nursing home is not as hard a job as caring for someone in your own home but it is an essential task. Lonely people die sooner and their care is not as good, as we all know from our experience with hospitals and rehab units. People need companions on the journey and cheerleaders to keep them going..
     
    I have since visited numerous people in nursing homes on behalf of the church. It is what I learned to do through my journey with Mum and Ray and what I continue to do. Life gives us certain lessons to learn and once we have learned them we are free to put them into practice. Sometimes I wonder what life holds for me now. On my wiser days I know that life in the days to come will reflect what I have learned up till now. And that has to be okay.
  13. swilkinson

    50 years on

    By swilkinson,

    50 years on, 50 years on, what can we show for our 50 years gone? I went to my 50 years anniversary of my high school graduation in 1964. Thank you to the chat girls who encouraged me to go. As usual I was disappointed in who was not there but glad to see who was. Met up with two out of five of my debating team buddies. Guy, now a retired accountant can still talk under water with a mouthful of marbles and I could hear laughter wherever he was. Margaret is still working in an education field and as per other reunions took my name, address and phone number and promised to call. Chrissie I would have really liked to see as the person I got on with best but she was not there. She and I were also co-editors of the school magazine in our last year.
     
    Sadly one of the girls I often sat with for lunch in our senior years had that dazed look that dementia gives and had come with someone else who obviously was keeping an eye on her. There was an honour roll for those we have lost to cancer, heart disease etc. But there was also much rejoicing that we had all come this far. Some did know that Ray had died and expressed that kind of condolence we do casually: "Sorry, so what are you doing with yourself?" I gave various answers according to who asked. I did not scream: "I miss him so much." as I really wanted to.
     
    I was quite amused about the men who cruised by and either frowned and went on, held out a hand to shake or kissed me on the cheek. Obviously some didn't remember me or recognize me but then as they are now without hair and wearing glasses no wonder I didn't recognise them! I must have a look that says "I care" as I sat next to a man who had lost his wife to leukemia four months ago, I didn't know him well but expressed the usual sentiments. It saved me talking about my own loss I guess as he talked for about an hour straight through dinner. There was no singing and no dancing this year so I was home well before midnight. Thought I wouldn't sleep as of course there was no-one to talk things over with but must have slept like a brick as I woke to bright daylight.
     
    Sunday was busy so I left home at 9am and arrived home at 2pm, My daughter came in about twenty minutes later. I had Shirley and grandson Christopher here overnight, she thought she would be able to stay two nights and I was so pleased, she is rarely here and time with her is so precious. Then she got a message to say she has to do a funeral on Wednesday so would will need to go home today to prepare for it (she is a minister as a Captain in the Salvation Army). Of course I put on a smile and said:no problems, I understand. Now I feel sad that she was not able to stay the extra night. Putting on my brave face though and trying to feel it is all for the best etc.
     
    Before they went today we got a universal remote to replace the one the little boys lost earlier this year. I can channel surf again Debbie! Christopher played with My Super Mario Cart on the Wii as he usually does. He had broken his right wrist falling off his top bunk in the middle of the night so his father has dismantled it and he is to have a single bed and trundle for his buddy to sleep on when he stays over. Christopher is over 6 foot tall so he has to be careful with what he does for a while. I would have loved to have had him stay for the week but he has doctors to see. I asked Shirley if it was possible for him to come and stay here for a week next holidays but she didn't say anything.
     
    What is life all about I wonder? Is it sufficient to just live one day at a time? What about all the lost and wasted years? What about the things we had planned to do and will never do? I pondered some of those things sitting in the sun this afternoon. Where am I now in comparison to where I wanted to be? I didn't come up with any answers, I don't suppose it is easy to formulate life changes and suspect I have to wait and see what life brings. I am afraid to contemplate the big moves still. Shirley asked me today if I had any future plans and I said no but I would like my life to move in wider circles. She asked me if I should move away from the stroke related world, from Ray's world, but I said I was still not at ease with doing that yet. I have just been asked again to come to the WAGS Women's Weekend in November. Should I go? I want to be with those wonderful women again but....
     
    And so I am left with the usual doubts. BUT tomorrow I am going out with a girlfriend and we will go for a walk on the beach and have lunch out. I arranged it myself, I am getting better at that, taking the initiative.I can manage to do things like that now. I could become a lady of some leisure,but I like to be useful being community minded from way back. So I will take some leisure fitted in as usual around the routine activities. I think I can handle that for a while longer yet.
  14. swilkinson
    It is two years today since Ray died. Because I knew I was going to sit here and mope and cry I went off to the local shopping centre. I did the girlie shopping, had a chat to about 8 people from the church, four from Lions and a couple from my Stroke recovery group. Then in came the friend I often have coffee with ( she looks after her stroke affected son) and she said:"Sit!" so I sat and she got coffee and a muffin to share and stayed with me for an hour. This was very reinforcing of our friendship and the fact that we share not only being stroke caregivers but also we are both widows.
     
    I read the posts from September 2012 and September 2013 in this blog and realised i had come a long way on my recovery journey. I am about ready to make some life changes, looking for something challenging and that might be a "Chaplain to the Ageing course" if it is running next year. I think Health Services is still getting it's act together on that one. But I do think I am ready to tackle something like that now. I have done a lot of smaller courses but need a course to update what I know and draw it all together.
     
    I slept very little last night. The dream in which I hear Ray calling out to me was back (hopefully just for one night) and I kept getting up to walk around the house. Nothing seems to make that one go away. When you know the emotional pain will be back you have to do something you like to do to ease the pain, so I try to have a coffee with a friend, buy a new book, come home and watch one of my old favourite movies. That is my formula. I was lucky and did far more than that today.
     
    This afternoon I sat in with the person who hands out food parcels at our church on Friday afternoons. It is a strange system, we just take the persons name, ask how many are in the family and assemble some food from the Welfare Pantry. The food is all donated so sometimes comes in some funny combinations but it will tide the person over the weekend with maybe a bit left over for next week. We try to be jokey about it, put the person at ease, not make them feel like they are begging. One woman had had to pay for a long train journey to see her sick mother, another had repairs done on her care. They don't have to give a reason, that is between them and G-d. All they have to do is have a need.This session today reminded me that life goes on and i can cope.
     
    Tomorrow night I am going to my 50th year school reunion of those who graduated in 1964. If you had read what the chat girls said about that on Tuesday night it would have made you blush, they had a lot of fun at my expense. So no, I will not stay out till 3am or finish up in someone's motel room girls. What I hope to do is reconnect with some of the people I have missed, preferably those who have retired back to the coast so I can see them more often.
     
    I know some of my old classmates will have done much better than I have career wise and financially but know that none could have better supporters than I have had or gained so much out of what could have been a disastrous chapter of my life. The life that Ray lived and his bravery in the face of that journey will never be forgotten nor the strength I have gained by sharing his journey through both recovery and the long sad road to his death. When asked what I have done in the past ten years I shall smile enigmatically and say: "Nothing much actually and you?"
     
    If you want to you can read my last anniversary blog:
     
    http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?app=blog&module=display&section=blog&blogid=165&showentry=12064
     
    and see the difference. It is good to have the blog so I can look back over the years and see how far I have come.
     
    And yes, I did have a good cry before the night was over.
  15. swilkinson

    A few interesting days.

    By swilkinson,

    I got through the two big sad times Father's Day and what would have been Ray's 72nd birthday. These anniversaries even though I am nearly two years past his death still revive a lot of sad memories as you who have lost loved ones will realise. It is sad to think of the years going by without Ray in my life, after 44 years of marriage and with so many expectations that we would spend a lifetime together.
     
    Life goes on. We had so many wet days I thought I might get a message to start collecting animals but today we had our first fully dry day and it was so good. Everywhere I looked there were signs of Spring, fresh growth on plants, birds busy nesting, happy shrieking of the parrots as they land in the trees, such handsome but noisy birds. The back garden is looking good after a week of effort from me and my helper, next door neighbour's friend who is staying with him for a while. It is so nice to work side by side with someone, such a change for me. And we are getting a lot done.
     
    It is strange coming up to two years since Ray died. It was also the time my caregiving ended, though of course Mum went on for another couple of months and I still continued to visit her. I went into the unit she was in for a while "Jasmine" for the first time in two years. It was as part of my pastoral care visits to see a lady who had just moved in there. The nurse in charge told me how well I looked, how she would have hardly recognised me etc. I took this as an indication that I had changed for the better though I still feel the pain of all of that and both deaths aged me beyond my years. I think I am coming out of my grief now and seem to be rebuilding my energy.
     
    One of the good things that happened to me in the past week was that I had a visit from my daughter. Each year there is a lunch held for officers in the Salvation Army and their parents. I am in the Newcastle area as it is based on where the parent lives not on where the child is posted to. The last one Shirley and I went to was two years ago a few days before Ray died and Shirley and I were both very worried and asked for their prayers. This year we really enjoyed meeting people and getting to know them a bit better. At our table we had a local couple and their son and a woman and her father, both officers being known to Shirley. The food was good and having Shirley for company was great. It happens so infrequently that we can spend some time alone and so it is extra special.
     
    Today in the shopping centre I met up with one of my younger son's friend's mothers, Helen and I were once really close, last time I saw her she was with her Mum who it seems died two months ago. She asked me where I had left Ray. I took a deep breath and told her he had died two years ago. Tears filled her eyes and she told me how sorry she was, she said she had been so caught up with looking after her Mum, minding her grandkids etc. I said I used to be the same. It is understandable, friends like her just sometimes drift away from us, their lives filled with other interest and other worries. She said she will make sure she keeps up with me from now on. that is pleasant to hear but does not always happen, I'll leave it a week or so and ring her as I'd like us to be friends again.
     
    I find I no longer look for Ray in the house, in the car or out on the verandah, I think I was still doing that as long as six months ago. I can now be here alone. That has taken a long time to happen and I see it as progress, a good thing. I finally do have that time to look after "me" but don't really know how to do that. I don't think I will grow into a selfish person, the church will always see that I have my hands full looking out for others. My family don't need me now but other people, particularly the old, the sick and the caregivers, still do.
     
    I am looking forward to the reunion coming up on Saturday night. It is 50 years since as a shy seventeen year old I left school and went out into the big bad world. I never left my home town till Ray joined Fisheries really as we bought a house in the street I had lived in as a teen after a couple of months living with his old landlady. So many things have happened since then of course. I am looking forward to seeing some of my old acquaintances, they are not really friends as we haven't kept in touch. But it will be interesting to see how well they have aged, how many of the "boys" still have hair, how much we have all changed. I wonder how many still have the original wife or husband or if they have had others since then...lol. And of course some will be widows/widowers like me.
     
    I may feel a bit like Cinderella I think. I have no rags to riches story, but a story told in the hearts of others is more worthwhile. And that of course, rediscovering who I used to be is another step in my journey. And I will be home by midnight! Luckily I can share all the stories with Shirley as she and Christopher will be having a stopover here on the way back from Cessnock on Sunday night. She and a party from her present church are going there to do a mini rally for Darren the guy I met during my Cessnock weekend a couple of weeks ago.
     
    The Spring in the air, the help with the gardening, the resumption of old friendships, and the unanticipated visit of my daughter and grandson, all have lifted my spirits. I feel that is a string of blessings to add to my list of so many.
  16. swilkinson
    I wish I could say keeping busy helps, sometimes it does but sometimes it fails. Today was Fathers Day. There is no father now and since the kids are all away not even someone else's father to celebrate with. I went to church, I went to lunch, I came home and felt so sad. I had a nap, I woke up, I made my dinner, I felt so sad. I feel bad in so many ways, yes, it is a pity party, no I do not need any help, I just want to have someone back in my life, one of my family to move back here to be close to me. It won't happen that I know but that is what I want.
     
    Tomorrow would have been Ray's 72nd birthday, I think I will add the years every year, 73, 74, 75, pathetic I know but what do you do when you have celebrated 45 of them and suddenly they are not going to have any more? I remember the first birthday Ray had after we met, we had not been going together long and he took me to his Mum's place for a celebratory lunch. His sisters were much younger than him, he had an older brother and sister-in-law and a younger brother. I don't have much contact with them now except an occasional phone call but we were close once upon an time. It is strange that we grow apart. More so in our case because three out of four couldn't come to terms with his stroke deficits and then his dementia.
     
    I have so many pleasant acquaintances but few close friends. I have never been a best friend person. I always had a handful of good friends I could call on anytime. Some of those dropped away when Ray was diagnosed with dementia. A couple of them tried visiting but his lack of conversation and my need to do so many things for him diminished the bond I guess, it is uncomfortable for some to see such a deterioration in a formerly vibrant and vigorous person and that was Ray prior to his first stroke. I guess I would have been like that too but my mother trained both my sister and myself that we were there to help others not to criticise them.
     
    Ray had a similar work ethic to what I had been brought up with. He was a helper too. His skills as a carpenter and a DIY man meant that he was in demand for a cheap fix to all sorts of household problems that his friends and their families had. Usually the phone call was just to ask him to give a hand to someone but he often finished up doing the whole job himself. It is like that if you are handy, the mates love to have you around. But after the strokes of course those mates faded away. Not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, unable to pay Ray back for all the kindness and help.
     
    The rain doesn't help my mood. It has rained every day for the past eight days, not all days, some days it is called sun showers so it is sunny in between and I go into the garden and weed or repot or do some tidying and then down comes the rain again. A wet Spring often means a hot summer so pity the farmers in some of the inland districts where the rain is not falling as they will go back into drought again. What a variety of climates there is in Australia, how wonderful and how heart-breaking is our land.
     
    And so the question arises: what to do with Spring? Usually as soon as the fine warmer weather comes it was outdoor activities. Back in the days when Ray was healthy and we still have kids in their twenties it was DIY time, they all seemed to move in Spring, so we moved them, Ray drove the moving van and helped carry the furniture, I unpacked and made meals. Then when the kids were independent, after his first stroke but before the second and third we did some travelling ourselves. I loved to wake up in our old Campervan on a river bank somewhere and hear the birds, and smell the smells of a camping area, the fire smoke and the bacon cooking in a pan. There were some good days.
     
    And now there is just me. So camping is out, caravanning is out, overnight stays are done in motel rooms not on river banks. The visits to the kids mean indoor games with the grandkids and not bush walking and swimming in the river or a day at the beach as it did with our kids. Life has sure changed. The grandkids all play electronic games and although Shirley and family do go for walks and picnics the other two families don't do much outdoors at all. A pity with so much to see and do in our vast landscape.
     
    I think kids these days miss out on a lot of adventures because of the computer games they play alone, rather than the physical games our kids played where everyone joined in, cricket played in the bush where most of the time was spent finding the ball, paddling an old blown up car tyre tube in the river, digging in the sand, making sand castles and drawing treasure maps in the sand. BBQs were the evening meal and those past long hots summers meant swimming and playing under the hosepipe not putting on the air conditioning.
     
    ​Of course I do have opportunities, at the moment there is a lot to do in the church and in the community. I know I could volunteer in either of the nursing homes I have been associated with. But like most events in modern life they are strictly indoor activities. What I really need in my life though is some fun and that is not as easy to find. What do you do for fun when you are aged 60+? There are the Senior Centres some of my friends have recommended, computer classes, Tai Chi, indoor bowls. I'm not sure I really want to learn indoor bowling though my Mum was a keen indoor bowler. and Dad played outdoor (Lawn) bowls for many years.
     
    I know I have to continue to build a life of my own. I don't want to forget the past but I do need to come to terms with it. I do need to learn to live a life that is both sustainable and satisfying. I guess it is the day-by-day, one day at a time way as usual.
  17. swilkinson

    forms of support

    By swilkinson,

    Today I heard three sermons, one at the Anglican Church, one at the Salvation Army and one at the closing ceremony of a women's enrichment weekend. I have just got back home so I am feeling pretty tired. No, I did not participate myself in the weekend but I was a sponsor so I took my candidate (new attendee) up on Thursday afternoon and brought her back tonight. The weekend was at a Retreat Centre but as it is two hours drive from here I decided to stop over in Cessnock on Saturday night so booked into a motel which turned out to be basic but spacious and I have enjoyed that experience.
     
    I had a nice day today, two church services, breakfast and lunch with old friends and with the stay last night it was almost as good as being away all weekend. It is the furthest I have driven in a while so was quite pleased with myself. Thursday night was wet and windy and a bridge was out, flooded because of the surrounding hills and some fairly heavy rain, so I had to go the long way around and admit to getting a little lost (30 kms or so) on the way back home. But I got there and back without a hitch the second time so am proud of that achievement.
     
    The new members tonight gave a small talk about how they had done, how they had felt during the weekend etc and two points really struck me. One woman said she was a quiet and reserved person and found herself amazed when she found herself skipping and twirling and singing as they circulated the grounds this morning, that is certainly an achievement for a quiet and reserved person. And there was a second woman who said she has always been a giver and at last has learned to receive from others. I was most impressed with the new revelations the newbies had discovered, both about themselves and about others. Isn't it wonderful when we have those times of refreshment and revelation?

    Ray and I went to this type of renewal weekend in 1996. I knew I would enjoy the experience but doubted that Ray would as he was not someone who made or liked to see a public display of emotions but he did have a great time with his fellow retreaters and although I wouldn't like to say he was transformed I could see each time he encountered one of the men on his weekend how they felt they had a special bond. I saw one of them tonight, I doubt he recognized me but it was good that I recognized him. I thought to go over and tell him that Ray had died but in the end I didn't. It was an upbeat evening and I didn't want to introduce a more somber note.
     
    I wonder how many of us here belong to a support group of some kind apart from Strokenet? I know there are only a handful of caregivers that regularly come to chat although many more do belong to the Blog Community and receive love and support there. I know chat is not for everyone but we do all need a support network. Some people belong to one or more support group in real time and get a lot of benefit from there. I have belonged to several and although it did not always fulfill my needs it did ease the pain to know that others were in a similar place to where I was, looking after a stroke survivor. Of course Ray also became a person with dementia and so many other illnesses and conditions and I never found support groups for all of them, just the two Dementia groups, one run by a government agency and the other situated in Mum's Nursing Home.
     
    Today at the Salvation Army Hall I met a man from my Shirley's Corps. He went to College the year after they got to Shell Harbour and he is the Captain at Cessnock now. We recognised each other and he was full of questions about some of the people in the Shell Harbour Corps so we talked about a lot of them over morning tea and I answered his questions as much as I could. When we move on for whatever reason there is always a yearning to hear about how our old friends at that other place are doing. Shirley and some of the folk he knew are going to come up to his Corps for a visit at the end of next month, another form of support for a small struggling church.
     
    Heaps to do here in the next few days. I can take a few days away but when I come home I look at my home with a critical gaze and wish I had a fairy godmother who could wave a magic wand and make it all it could be, instead of having to do it all myself the hard way. Of course I could take it easy for a while first but the work would still be there waiting for me. That fairy godmother visit isn't going to happen is it? But I did have a lovely day today so can't really complain..
     
    I know I find support, from friends and family and others in the groups I have belonged to to be so beneficial to me, it certainly allowed me to look after Ray for longer and now helps me as a widow.Especially as the chat girls are more than likely when I have done a negative blog or post to remind me that they wanted me to look after myself. And great advice on Strokenet, both the forums and in the Blog Community was always freely given and it is one of the things that kept me going for sure.
     
    Have a good week, (((hugs))) from Sue.
  18. swilkinson
    The birds are going mad today, lots of puddles to bathe in, green grass, plenty of worms near the surface so lots of birds out and about. Plenty of nest building too as I have seen the smaller birds flying around with dry grass or twigs in their beaks, and several of them are squabbling over a favourite tree for that, my paper bark tea tree out on the front footpath.We were given the weather forecast today of another wet day and low temp but Mother Nature mustn't have been listening as it is simply gorgeous out. It was nice up the back so I took some bromiliads and put them around the old tree stumps so that will brighten up that part of the yard.
     
    I have been out gardening all morning. Current boarder next door John who is still waiting on a job placement after his last job with a government agency sunk out of sight at the end of June said he would clear down the side of the fence for about $100. There is a lot of herringbone fern there and a lot of fallen sticks from the big wind last year so it needs doing. He is ten years younger than I am so should get it done in a reasonable time. It all needs a good tidy up and maybe the metal roof sheeting will finally finish up out the front for the metal men to collect. That would be another plus.
     
    When I was up the back I heard a scrunching noise on the edge of the cabin roof, I wonder if a pesky little possum has taken shelter under the eaves again? I still haven't had the last work done on the cabin, the roof is on but the ceiling was not replaced so I guess I had better start ringing around and getting some quotes again. I hate that part of getting a job done, getting quotes, waiting in for tradesmen that never give you a quote etc.
     
    I think I am accepting that I need to make some changes now, not only to the house but to my life. I don't want to make any rushed decisions, I am mostly talking to other widows about what they have done. It is impossible to go back to the things I was doing when this all started and I don't think I would want to. I have had a lot of good experiences as well as bad ones and want to continue to have good experiences. I wish I had Ray here with me but almost two years out am less sentimental and more of a realist about my life experiences. I only have to read on here to remember the way things were. I am not looking at life now with a rosy glow but in a more realistic way.
     
    It is wonderful to have the sun shining in a clear blue sky. It can be a sad and lonely neighbourhood when the winter wet season is in full swing. That is when I really miss Ray. Because of his many deficits he was always with me, inside in the warm, out on the verandah doing his exercises, sitting doing his old word search books (I found another in a drawer the other day). He was a lot of hard work but that filled up my days and sometimes my nights. I felt worth while in what I did. When I lost Ray I lost my "job" as well and I think that is a part of what I have been mourning for so long, that all seemed to be my purpose in life.
     
    Even in the nursing home at the end of his life Ray was my companion. Going to visit him was my reason for getting out of bed, getting on with the housework etc so I could get out of here and be over at the nursing home by 11am to help him with his lunch. I still can not get past that feeling of wanting to have him here with me. There is still a lot of guilt about being the survivor of a couple. I don't know why but sometimes when I am out enjoying myself, particularly laughing I feel as if someone will come up to me and say: "Don't laugh so much you are a widow now."
     
    I want to make new friends, I want to renovate the house and refurnish it to be "Sue's House". It will be two years since Ray died in a months time. And three years two months sine he went from the hospital to the nursing home. But this is the home we bought together 46 years ago, I look around and see his handiwork everywhere I look. It is the place we lived in, raised a family in, welcomed the grandchildren into. It is hard to think of it as just Sue's House now.
     
    I don't mean this blog to be gloomy. Hard to be gloomy when there is such a honey of a day I can see it from here looking out across the back garden. That is what I mean about finding some balance, balancing my life with my expectations, realising that I can still dream dreams but cannot expect them to come true in the same way they did as I anticipated marriage, the birth of our babies and all the other good things that came into my life. Let's hope though that there are still plenty of good times ahead.
  19. swilkinson
    I have been very busy today, I am tired but that wound up kind of tired you get when too many things have happened. I went to my friend's son's funeral today, he was only 47 and died of cancer, leaving a wife and three small children,so sad. I had known him since he was two, seen him grow up, his mother and I became firm friends. He and his brother and two sisters often visited and he played with my kids, particularly the boys. Even when we lived away for ten years we and his family kept in touch, visited and participated in each others lives. Of course, as happens these days they went separate ways from high school on. There were many young people at the funeral plus his parents' friends, his wife's friends etc. It made me think about how we support those in grief.
     
    I have not lost a child so although I will support his mother in every way I can I cannot know the depth of her grief, all I have to offer is my continuing friendship and support as she goes through this. Her husband is one of those laughing on the outside people and I know will not seem like he needs to talk, but if he does I will offer my silence as much as possible, my love and support is for their whole family. I love them as you do those who have been true friends over decades.
     
    I have been down to my daughter's place, I went by train as usual and she brought me home by car as the funeral was 11am and I could not get back home, pick up the car and be over to the Crematorium in time. It is a three and a half hour drive from her home to here so we left pretty early. It would have been easier if I could have done my usual train journey but circumstances alter cases and so her bringing me home turned out to be the viable solution. The bereaved family were pleased to have her at the funeral. With her loving ways she has always been popular among my friends as well as having many friends of her own.
     
    She asked me to come down although I don't usually go there in the middle of winter as her ten year old daughter had been complaining that other people in her class had grandparents to coming to the concert and Grandparents' Day and she didn't. I can't be there next week but I was there Wednesday night to go to the concert, that will have to be enough. When your children move away they should factor in the fact that you as a grandparent cannot be there for all the important milestones, tough as that can be, the distance is an obstacle we cannot always overcome.
     
    I did enjoy the time with them even though as it was wet, cold and windy, much like the weather here but a few degrees colder. There was quite a heavy frost this morning and as the days are still short we didn't have not much opportunity to get outside. I did catch a few sunny rays Tuesday afternoon before the clouds rolled in once more. The grandchildren both had colds so no big hugs or snuggles as my daughter didn't want me to catch cold so we were all pretty quiet, even the pets. It will be a better time to go for a visit when the days lengthen out and it is a bit warmer.
     
    There have been a few ongoing meetings on the support role played in the Church by the Mutual Care Team and today, just back from the funeral, I went to another one. If you listened it sounds like just more words but we are gradually working on a strategy to try and ensure that everyone in the congregation and the extended church in the form of those who do not regularly attend but do come to church to one or more of the groups also feel included. We are hoping we can reach out to them and provide them with help and support when they need it. It is a big task.
     
    So how do you provide ongoing support? My idea is to stay in touch with as many people as possible, hand over care to others when appropriate and keep asking if what we are doing is what people want. I don't know if I am on the right track here but I hope other people will give me feedback so I can measure results. Though not being able to measure your result or getting much feedback seems to be the norm in churches. You only get feedback if you do it wrong.
     
    In the family, in the neighbourhood and on here I try to offer appropriate support and feel as if this is right for me most of the time. We all have doubts about the effectiveness of what we do I know and I try not to make that the focus of my life. I try to do it in a way that enriches me as the giver as well as the one who I give support to. Don't know how often that works out the way I plan though. Sometimes I am operating in the dark, uncertain of what to say and what should be done.
     
    Throughout Ray's illness I participated in support groups and still do. I was grateful to those who supported me and know that without their support I would have gone under, overcome by the work load, the pain and the suffering of Ray, and the emotional turmoil I went through as his caregiver and still in some ways the family supporter. It was very tough at times. But I believe that through all of this I grew as a sensitive and caring human being. I believe that what I experienced was not for nothing but that the things I learned can be useful to others. Those others are a part of the many groups I participate in. And I do believe the care is mutual, for when I give I also receive.
  20. swilkinson

    this way or that?

    By swilkinson,

    It has been a strange week, cold and windy but no rain, very cold nights for here. I have been busy with meetings, there seem to be so many church meetings as our minister leaves at the end of September and he is trying to tie up loose ends. I think I am one of them as he seems to want me to do this, that and the other at the moment. Even asked me if I had done my homework before one of the meetings. Homework? Me? I am 67, nor 6 or 7. Please treat me like an adult not a child. I don't think he means any harm but it is still early days for me in the transition period and I am still having days when I honestly have no get up and go, other days I might be firing on all cylinders and up for anything but that is the exception, not the rule.
     
    I had lunch yesterday with a lady I am fond of but not friends with. She was a member of my Lions Club but "moved on". She also is a widow. We have a lot in common and I like to see her occasionally. But she is very different from me, knows what she wants, gets to it in good time, moves on from there. I am not like that. I am by personality a long distance runner not a sprinter, I am here for the long haul, I find it difficult to drop something and move on. I also need to tie up loose ends and leave things neat and tidy and then if I think the time is right to resign I do so. I am not as impulsive as I used to be when I was younger. Once I would get upset about something someone said and that was the end of my membership in that organisation. Now I know that losing friends as a consequence of an impulsive action is not something I want to do. I am older and wiser. And I value my friends more.
     
    And so I come to the dilemma - to change or not to change? *L* said that I should drop all the organisations I belonged to in Ray's time and decide what I needed to make MY life complete. I should join mixed groups so I had some male input into my life, preferably with younger people in it as well and frankly have a good time. What??? Obviously she doesn't know me very well. I do get the point about younger people in the group, as I've said often being in a church with an older age group does seem to mean I bury a lot of my friends but apart from that age does not matter to me. So I must admit I was a bit stunned by all of her comments. I presume she did it with my best interests at heart so I will think about it and there is no hurry to make a decision. But maybe I might have to avoid her for a while in case she wants a progress report.
     
    Today I went to a Combined Stroke Groups Morning Tea and we had great fellowship as usual with six stroke support/recovery groups present. We also had a dynamic guest speaker, a researcher into the value of wii-based therapy. I can't tell you all about it as it is still going to Clinical Trial but needless to say it sounds brilliant. They will try it firstly in local groups and then in distance based groups using the internet as a teaching tool. I loved that she said it didn't matter how long ago you stroked, you could still make progress. As far as she was concerned learning new skills was always possible.
     
    I could see the survivors sitting up and taking notice. What we all need is hope for the future and this therapy sounds useful and accessible and relatively inexpensive. Like in restraint therapy the wii is used in the affected hand with adjustment by physiotherapists and occupational therapists working on using the correct muscle groups and providing input. The progress in movement, flexibility and balance seemed to be remarkable. I wonder how long before we hear of this being used in hospitals in the rehabilitation situation? It will be a wonderfully interesting development in a system that currently needs a shakeup here as according to the speaker's figures only 6% of the stroke survivors are offered anything like adequate rehabilitation at the present time.
     
    I still feel a bit strange being at a meeting without Ray but most people seem to want me to continue with the group and assure me I am a valued member. I have made some good friends in the group and there are people I have known for a long time now and I value their input into my life and would miss seeing them if I left the group. Which also applies to the Dementia group I belong to on a casual basis, and also this group. I know in a way I am only here because of Ray's strokes but I like it here, I like being a chat host, I like being a part of the Blog Community. I have made friends here and no, I don't feel I have to move on. But is this holding me back and denying me True Happiness? Who knows? I choose to say no it doesn't.
     
    So what does my future look like if I decide not to change, not to move on? I don't think I need to worry about that do I? I think if I keep a forward motion going life will gradually change anyway, as it always seems to. And hopefully the flow will go into a quiet, peaceful and healthy place and I will go with it. And happiness will find me there.
  21. swilkinson
    I had a week with one of the nasty winter viruses around this year - this one had a headache that lasted four days with fever and a really bad throat plus a cough. Everything but the cough seems to have gone but coughing keeps me waking up and waking up keeps me thinking. Not a good thing at 3am as we all know. And it is too cold to get up and wander around the house as I can in summer so I stay in bed under the covers and hope I will get back to sleep.
     
    I have got back to the stage of wondering why I am here, what the purpose of this part of my life is. I am now a Granma but with none of my grandchildren close to me, none of my children living close to me, and it seems old friends are gone already or are sick and dying, I seem to be burying them month by month now, I have another funeral of a church buddy on Thursday. I know I can always make new friends or can I? I feel as if this is an uphill battle sometimes. I wish the friends I lost due to Ray's illness and my unavailability would come back. I know that is just wishful thinking. I have to move on from here by myself. I know I have to learn to accept that I am alone and be content with that. But sometimes that takes too much energy.
     
    So do I need to start all over again rebuilding my life?. I know from studying other widows and I have been around a lot of those in my lifetime, that none of this sounds unusual. We are all subject to death, both the slow death of the long term invalid, and I would say both Ray and Mum were in that category, and the sudden death that I have experienced with friends. There is a pattern of life, death and regrowth that surrounds us. Our own grief probably blinded us to that for a time but once we live back in the real world we see all that as a pattern our life too will follow.
    I think this opportunity for deep thinking is a part of the usual winter cycle, wet, cold and windy weather does not attract me out and about and so I spend a lot of time in my own company and as I keep saying - I think too much. I feel as if I need to run, out in the sun, along the beach, somewhere where there is blue sky and warmth and other people, it is like a recurring ache, that is what I want to do. I know I should have planned a holiday somewhere in northern Queensland but the budget got a bit shrunk by the trip to England last year so a trip to the Whitsunday Islands, although I would love to be there, is not on the shopping list.
    So what shall I do? no idea, none at all. My capacity to plan seems to be one of the casualties of the grieving process. When Ray was alive and I was a full-time caregiver I so longed to have the freedom to just get up and go and was full of ideas of trips here, there and everywhere and now I have got the time, and maybe could do some of this but have no motivation. Although I could go away for long weekends or short trips I have no-one to go with and will anywhere really be fun on my own? The benefit of the England trip was that I stayed with cousins and old friends and did not spend a lot of time alone.
     
    There are some happy days though. I love it when I have lunch out with a friend, there is pleasure in an unexpected phone call, a chat with a neighbour, a time spent in someone else's company. I may not be a part of a couple but I can still be a part of a group or a circle of friends. But logistically, in the middle of winter, with so many people sick and many of my old friends not so anxious to go out into the cold this is not the time of the year for reunions of any kind. So any plans will have to wait till summer. And summer still seems a long way off.
    I have thought of volunteering somewhere where there are plenty of people to talk to and maybe some laughter and maybe that is what I need to investigate in Spring. I know we have Senior Citizens Centres locally and they might provide some courses or classes in something new I would like to learn. I do need to learn new things, particularly practical things. And maybe it can be something practical like Hydroponic gardening, something new to talk to others about. As long as it is something I can set up by myself. I know I have to take up some new interests. I can't rely on others to entertain me and I need to feed my mind too.
    Lately I have been running out of things to tell my daughter during our weekly phone calls. "How was your week Mum?" she asks and I think it is just the usual boring stuff, just gray days, long cold nights. "What have you got planned Mum?" my daughter always asks me that. But at the moment there is really nothing to tell her. Maybe when the days get longer, lighter and warmer I can plan another trip down there. Maybe I can do all kinds of things. I should devote my thinking time to determining what they might be. But sometimes it is easier to sit here and remember the past than it is to plan for the future.
  22. swilkinson
    Where is the person who looks after me when I am sick? After all those years as a caregiver that would seem obvious...it's me! Sad but true. I had the family visit end on Thursday, went to a funeral last Friday and woke in the middle of the night with a huge headache and burning up with fever. Plenty of OTC medications about the place so I got dosed up with those that would lower the temp, fix the headache and...nope did not make me go back to sleep. Saturday, so sick, stay down, make up a nest in the lounge room so I can watch tv while I sleep on and off, more medications, Sunday the same. Would it be worth going to the doctor? No, nothing much fixes a virus except for rest and plenty of fluids so no point.
     
    By Monday the chesty cough was driving me mad, the cough medicine no longer helped, old fashioned salt water gargle didn't either. So hit the vitamins and see if that will help, throw in an antihistamine just to see if that makes the nose stop. Aaargh! I'm not going to renew the contract with my fairy godmother, where is she when I need her? Hello...anybody out there?
     
    Tuesday, oh look I can stand up, how nice! Might wash my hair and okay that was tiring. I have to be really careful when I get a virus that it doesn't lead to pneumonia so an assortment of warm clothes on and make sure there is an extra coat by the back door in case I need to go outside. I am so glad I did a big shop on Thursday afternoon as that means there is no need to go out for food for a week if necessary. I have learned a few things on my widow journey. Like if you want someone to rely on look in the mirror, that's her.
     
    Wednesday today and I am starting to feel better. Not good, just better. I managed to go to chat, it is so easy with Sally as my co-host, in fact we did double shift as a new chatter Joni (herdaughter) came on just as we were closing down and we spent some time with her. Thanks for staying on Sally. I still need to line up someone to take my Scripture lesson tomorrow as I shouldn't take the cough into a school. I love those times but I have had to cancel a whole week of activities so far so I guess one more thing won't stop the world from turning.
     
    I am thankful that I am not also trying to take care of a survivor while I am so sick. That is what I did for 13 years, crawled out of bed, set up breakfast for Ray, attended to his needs, set up lunch, supervised, cleaned up, looked after, set up dinner etc. I can remember how bad that felt. Looking after myself is a snap by comparison. But a small part of me still says :"Why isn't there someone to look after me?"
     
    This is a vent, not about life but about circumstances. How do I cope with what comes up? I hope I have enough emergency measures in place that no major crisis happens but we never know do we? Left over from my caring days is an irrational fear that the good times are always followed by bad times. I know it doesn't have to be so but I know it often is. I just have to convince myself that it doesn't matter, somehow I will handle whatever comes along.
  23. swilkinson
    The family have gone home,it is always sad to farewell them but also time to rejoice in what we experienced together and what we are to each other. I have a lot to be thankful for and often fail miserably. I have too much time to think and it is easy to get miserable and mopey and let the slights and disappointments in life get out of perspective. Three days with my Salvationist family whether I am at their place or they are here is always good for me.
     
    This time there was the bonus of having the little cousins together too. We had two full days with each other and last night Pam and Steve's three children were here for dinner,probably for the last get-together for a while. There were eight of us altogether as we had left Pam at home with a headache. There was plenty of time to reinforce those happy family memories. I will be sad when they have to go to live with their father down in Adelaide but I think we all know that is going to happen now and have accepted that our relationship will change because of that too. I am hoping to see them every time they come to visit their Mum and have some time to keep the bonds we have strong. But who ever knows what the future holds?
     
    Thanks to HostSally for carrying on hosting chat when I have to duck out. Anyone who has not has a lot to do with Sally will not realise what a rock she is to me. I have only stayed on at Strokenet as a volunteer because of the strong teams we have here. It is a wonder to me that people like Sally have time to do the voluntary work they do with their loved ones calling out to them for help. Sally just types in "brb" and a few minutes later there she is as delightful as ever, ready to go with the conversation. We had Hostdennis as an observer in chat too so that was a bonus for us.
     
    The winds got rather strong last night, we had been warned to do the clean up, tie down routine I associate as being a routine for people in areas where there are hurricanes or cyclones but I do not expect to have to do it here. I woke up to a lot of leaf litter on my lawn and all over the back yard so Christopher helped me clean that up this morning. Craig fixed the two lights I had that both blinked on and off by giving them new starters and Naomi helped in any way she could. It is help with such small things that can lighten the load for me. Now I have to think that it is not so long to the end of winter when I can pay them a returned visit.
     
    I know I do not always come across as a lonely person but I am. No-one knows how often I just want to run back home when I hear a certain song, see couples walking hand-in-hand or dancing cheek-to cheek, sometimes just sitting in a restaurant talking together. All of this I took for granted when Ray was alive. Okay, going out with him in a wheelchair was no picnic and took a lot of strategic planning but once we were there we were together and that is what counted. It was one of the things I took for granted, that we would always be together.When my family is here I don't have to go out alone so I enjoyed three meals out in three days and it was wonderful, being part of a group, not just being alone.
     
    It has been over three years since Ray was home with me. We did have Trevor and Edie's wedding in August 2011 and that was the last time we ate out as a complete family. I still feel Ray is missing from our family gatherings. One of the meals out was a late birthday celebration for me as I was last with Shirley and family in May. We went to a family owned Chinese restaurant where for many years we have been going as a family in fact Shirley, who is now in her forties, first went there when she was two. It is owned by the same family as then so the mother came out and greeted us courteously and the son who is the manager and waiter and whatever is needed called each of the adults by name. That is something precious in this day and age. And also the food is good still, so we always enjoy it.
     
    It has been over three years since Ray has lived here but one night last week I was watching something on television and turned to him and said...but of course he wasn't here now and so I felt foolish and a bit teary. I know he will always be a part of my life and if I do meet someone else that will not take anything away from the time I had with Ray by my side. I still hear him sometimes calling out in the night, I know it is not real but the old habits and memories of our old life are still here. There is no explaining why this all happens so I just accept that it does.
  24. swilkinson

    riding a see saw

    By swilkinson,

    "Now is the winter of our discontent" to quote Shakespeare. Or just plain old winter, wind howling, clouds flowing, trees shedding leaves and branches (gum trees do that every time there is a wind) noises like banging and shushing and grating, I think caused by the dead fronds hanging down on the palm trees next door. Not easy to sleep while all of that is going on so I have had a couple of bad nights. So has the baby next door who is teething I suppose so she and I have been waking at all hours. I do turn the light on and read though so I am not laying there brooding.
     
    More changes in the church. Had a meeting today and we are going to do some things differently. Oh dear, he is so young! I don;t think he realises that when you change from one thing to another it is harder for older people to rearrange their lives accordingly so numbers are low and there are murmurs of crisis. Ho Hum, think I have been in this spot a few times over the last many years of church attendance. Things get bad, people get active, things get better, same as in any business or organization really. The downward slide starts when everybody sees it as somebody else's job and no actions are taken.
     
    I am having some problems with people who want me to do more...mostly a hazy idea of what would make my life better and do more for their organization! Some of the organisations I belong to would like me to free up time to do more with them. I would like more time to myself to tell you the truth, I want to do less rather than more. I don't want to give up my new freedom to tie myself down by "silver bands". The idea of golden chains or silver bands is to show a person is still a prisoner, just of a superior kind and that is somewhat how I feel now.
     
    Because of my changing roles at church there is some confusion about what I am supposed to be doing. There has been a lot of changes in the congregations with the new times of services and I am switching between the services to find out what people's needs are now and that means that I am suddenly told that I should have been at xxx place doing yyy task as I am a member of a certain congregation. I had that accusation today. I understand where the person is coming from but I can't be in two places at once. I think I need to set up some lists of who goes where and why and contact people to see what they want. In the meantime it would be nice to be taken off the rosters to free up my time to take on new tasks.
     
    Sometimes I feel as if I am still cast in the caregiver mold and that others would still see me as a caregiver inside their particular organization particularly in respect to visiting those who are in hospital and there seem to be so many, it being cold and flu season and thence pneumonia season and so many older people having succumbed to that this winter. I did so much of that with Ray towards the end of his life I am not sure I could face it now. I know people see me as having lots of free time and it is true I could fill my life with more and more busyness but that is not the way I want to live life right now.
     
    It is school holidays for the next two weeks and so far no demand for Granma as spare child minder. Thank goodness. I love my grandchildren and cherish my time with them but I am not really set up for minding them at home in winter. I have a lot of toys still to sort out though. With the oldest at 14 and the youngest aged two I do have a lot of children's toys here. Sorting them is another thing on my winter to do list.
     
    Once upon a time I used to see my life as a roundabout particularly when Ray was in a medical loop where we visited doctors, specialists, therapists etc in a never-ending cycle. Now my life is more like a see saw with it's ups and downs. I want to smooth out the bumps a bit and make it a more even rhythm of tasks and rests. I want to feel more in control of what I do and less at the beck and call of others. I know that it is going to take a little gentle confrontation to assert my needs instead of an assumed availability. I am not really looking forward to that. But in order to do what I want to do, and am capable of doing, I have to lower other people's expectations of what they expect me to do and suppress their need to give me new tasks to fill in my "free time". Never an easy task, changing someone else's mind, so wish me luck with it..
  25. swilkinson

    winter sun

    By swilkinson,

    Strange week last week, another funeral, a few days of trying to get the car ready to re-register, a couple of lunches out with friends, a few more things added to my to do list as I need some time for cleaning out drawers. It was a good week on the whole. My program seems to be lightening up. Maybe I am just ignoring what has to be done, always a possibility.
     
    The Assistant Bishop came down from Newcastle this morning and I am now officially a Lay Minister in charge of Mutual Care. So there. I always say being given certification by the Bishop is like being given a pregnant cat, it looks like a small gift but it is only the first of many. So I will see what life brings. The basic job, looking out for people, is easy but I am guessing there is more to it than that. In an older congregation there are many needs, and in a place where grown up children are sometimes far away, as mine are, that is a complicating factor too.
     
    There was a lunch attached to the certification but I did not attend it. I had said I would keep an eye on the next door neighbour's Dad on Sunday as the next door neighbour has gone away for the weekend. His brother was supposed to come up to look after the old man but that changed and they all went down to Sydney. That left me with some free time so I decided to use it for my own needs I have been so busy I haven't taken the time out that I find I still find beneficial. Maybe being a caregiver did, in the end, teach me to take care of my own needs.
     
    I did so enjoy sitting in the sun this afternoon,I have a head cold so my head was a bit muzzy all day but who cared. In the winter sun is precious and to snuggle in a chair with my feet stretched in front of me and feel myself warming up was great. I wanted to lie down and sleep but the snuffly nose was keeping me awake so sitting in the sun was much better. Okay, I admit I was feeling sorry for myself for a while, the usual, no one to take care of me when I am sick. But I am not suffering from any thing life threatening, it is just a little old cold. And that is enough.
     
    I have been trying to reconnect with Ray's cousins. I rang one tonight but she said they are all older now, less inclined to travel, more likely to shut themselves inside in the warm for winter and if I was planning on visiting could I leave it till Spring? The cousins he was fond of were all older than him so I guess she is right, leave it to Spring. In the meantime I will try to write some letters to the others, to inquire after their health and family matters. I wouldn't expect any of them to be on email or Facebook but I might include my email address just to make sure as that would be a better way to communicate.
     
    I wanted to talk a few things over with my daughter but when I rang her it was to find her mother-in-law is not doing well and so Craig had gone to try and sort out a few of her problems so Shirley was running the Corps alone for a couple of weeks. Another older person in trouble. Her MIL is going blind and so things are difficult as she can't read her mail for one thing. I am so healthy on the whole I felt like a fraud for ringing and saying I was sick when really there is nothing wrong with me. When Ray was alive I always had someone to bounce ideas off of, even when he was no longer able to communicate in any meaningful way I always felt as if he could at least listen to my worries and understand what I was saying, now he is gone I really miss that.
     
    I sometimes think of the poem that includes the line: "how do I love thee, let me count the ways" and want to change it instead to "how do I miss Ray...." because I miss him every day in some way. I miss his physical presence, I miss him as my husband, the sharer of my memories, the father of my children, the grandfather of my grandchildren. I miss his advice, the people he knew who he could ring with a problem. I miss the contact both with our family and his family. I know I would complain about those who rang and wanted to know how he was when they could have visited instead but now I just miss the contact. If I want to know how they are I have to make the call. I guess those links will one day be broken too.
     
    I don't know how many days of sun we have to look forward to before the clouds roll in again. I know we are in for a colder spell by the end of the week. I have to take life one day at a time, we all need to do that. But I am grateful for a day of winter sun. And I hope for more of them to come.