swilkinson

I think you will find that is all forms of caffeine you have to give up...so sorry for you. This is serious though Kelli so I guess it will be another lifestyle change. Got to think "all's well that ends well" though.

Thank you Lenny, you are always so thoughtful.

When things are going good, just enjoy the day.

Fred, a break away will do you both good. Eat, drink, be merry. Forget the specialist doctor's tests results. I used to say to Ray: "whatever you've got you have had for a long time, it's just that they have got a name for it now" so nothing to be afraid of. As for the future, face that when you come to it. Sometimes God moves our tent to another place where He can use us better and that is just what obedience is all about..

Good to hear Dan's doing PT and his communication skills are improving. It does make a big difference when the one you care for is willing to work at it. It was one of the sticking points for Ray and I, I wanted him to exercise, he wanted to sit all day. I hope you see a lot of progress. People with dementia disappear here too, mostly they just "go for a walk in the bush". There are vast forests in the form of National Parks here and it is featureless and easy to lose your bearings. So sad for relatives who may wait years for confirmation. I hope your neighbour is located for her family's sake. Glad life is "trekking along".

Frankly I would give Mike no choice, this is your MOM!!!! He doesn't have a say in it! I wonder if you could find someone to mind him for a couple of hours so you can be alone with your family? I know he doesn't realize how self-centered he is being, I know he doesn't understand family solidarity is important at a time like this, I know he will sulk for a week afterwards but honestly Cindy sometimes we just have to stick to OUR priorities. Marriage is 50/50 and now you need this time for you and your family. I do understand where you are coming from Ray could be exactly the same sometimes. But somehow I found a way to do what I had to do. Is there a more distant male cousin at the funeral who will sit with him? Is there a male neighbour who would come to the funeral with you and sit somewhere quiet with him? Try to think of someone who would do this for you. I was glad in a way that my Mum died after Ray rather than before as I would have been in a similar situation but I know my children would have handled it for me by taking turns in looking after their father while I had time to grieve, at least for a day. My heart goes out to you as you face this sad time and my prayers are with you for the time ahead. Sue.

Oh Cindy, please accept my condolences for the loss of your Mom, I know first-hand what that is like and how sad you feel. Be assured your children's grandfather will also be in my prayers. I hope he can recover from this set-back. We all know what stroke can do but have seen great recoveries too. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Good to hear from you Fred, please do post when you can as you are one of the beloved elders of this site and we miss you when you are not posting, commenting and encouraging us all on the journey.

Thanks all for the thoughtful replies. Donna, not quite to the stage of booking tickets and asking someone to join me. I used to have two lovely friends who I went to see movies with when Ray was in respite but unfortunately both have succumbed to age-related illnesses. It is still a one-day-at-a-time process for me, not changing things suddenly but slowly changing life to achieve what i need for the future. Your support means a lot in that process. Sue.

Oh Sandy, it is dreadful when the drains block up, so sorry this is happening to you. Ray and I had flood damage from an in-wall water heater at one house and a burst overhead water heater in another. In both cases the housing people fixed the house we had to pay for our clothes etc that were damaged. In this house I have house and contents insurance. I hope you get some help with the clean-up. Kids, friends, neighbours, call in all those favors. You deserve a quiet spell after this, time to unwind and find your peaceful centre. Keep going for as long as you can, make it fun if you can, maybe a camping theme?

I read about stroke depression and I do not have that reason for feeling blue. The sun is shining, the birds are singing but still some days I feel sad. I have a roof over my head and warm blankets and nice food but still some days I feel bad about life. I guess that is part of the human condition. I miss Ray, I miss someone to talk things over with, I miss someone who is on my side. I miss being part of a couple, I miss the real Ray, the laughing guy I married when I was 21. I miss all the plans we had, especially the plan for growing old together. I miss my dreams of the trip around Australia, fishing, swimming, just lounging around in a sunny spot in winter or cooler spot in summer. Who stole my dream? I think it died in 1999 when Ray had the major strokes, that somehow I learned to live with that loss as I took care of him and in the end I did not think about it at all, just maintaining his life was more important than worrying about what we had lost. Everyone says that the second year of widowhood is worse and it is in a way because that is when you get to the realisation that they are never coming back, that this is it, you are on your own now. That is when the "new normal" is here to stay and that only with a huge effort can you change that. This is it girl, you are on your own, no-one to discuss things with, no-one to be the one that cares for you in that special way, no-one to tell you to "go to sleep and forget about it" when someone hurts your feelings or you feel as if you have been insulted or no-one appreciates you. In fact you are now not special to anyone in that special way it is true in relationship, no-one can take the place of your spouse/life partner, not even another new partner. My, my am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes I am. Summer is here and there is no-one to go on a picnic with, no-one to watch out for me if I go body surfing at the beach, no-one to suggest a movie or to read with while I sit on the verandah or out in the the sun. I was sitting on my front verandah yesterday and suddenly I was so lonely. I am not depressed, I am simply sadder some days. On those days I feel like nothing is ever going to be right again. It is a real pity party and I don't have them often but like everyone else I do have them. And there is no-one here to tell me to "snap out of it" now. I am a brave face person. I know I have been chided for that on here and in real life but it is the way I get by. If you have seen the movie "Strictly Ballroom" you know what I mean when I say I go out with my "happy face" on. It is how I was brought up. You left the house with a smile on your face however you felt. And so I still do. No-one knows the heartache because you don't let it show. And why do you not let it show? Maybe it is because both Mum and Dad lost a parent at 16, Mum lost her Mum and Dad lost his Dad. And being English they were taught not to express their feelings in public and we were taught that too. By the way I do get on from day to day. I do community work, I did church visiting yesterday, three little old ladies , well older than me, in their little villas or their comfy room in the hostel of the retirement village where Mum was in the nursing home. Maybe I should have asked myself was this a good day to go as I probably did get sadder as I visited them and heard their problems with staff, their loneliness and in one case the joy as she told me was going out on Sunday, first time for a couple of months. I try not to identify too closely with them but sometimes that happens and I wonder if I will end up like them, in a single room with the family far away and having to wait until they are ready to visit. Just as the first signs of Spring show in the northern hemisphere the first mists of Autumn show up in my valley, showing that winter is soon to be the reality of life. It is common to be a little sad as the seasons change as change is inevitable in our lives. Change is the only invariable, there will be changes, in our body, in our mind, in all our lives. I do try to do as Asha says and "go with the flow", I do use my faith to know that I am never alone, G-d is always with me. But sometimes that doesn't help. I just feel sad and lonely. I know that if changes are to be made it will take an effort on my part and I will make some mistakes along the way. One of the stroke survivors posted a thread asking what you do if you feel depressed? I have a lot of things I can do, like ring a friend, read, do some housework, play some music, sing and dance around the house when I am in the right mood. What I don't have is someone to act as a mood booster, someone to take me out of myself, to put an arm around me as Trev used to do or smile and make silly faces at me like Lucas used to do. yes, I am missing Trev and Edie and their family too. I can get out into the garden, though until it rains nothing much is going to grow, the annuals are drying out and dying, that happens in a drought year which is what 2014 seems to be. And that in itself brings a sadness as I love my garden and want it to grow and thrive. So one of the usual pleasures is not there, I do not have an incentive to garden until we have a good soaking rain and everything greens up again. So I should take myself to the municipal gardens and enjoy them while the summer roses are blooming as mine aren't doing so well. Nothing special I have to do today, although there are some church events tomorrow. That is the routine part of life, go here, do that, help out somewhere else. It is not a bad life, it is a good life, but sometimes it is a lonely life too.

Donna, when you partner goes to a nursing home you get a form of "survivor guilt". You can try counselling but maybe to best thing is just to ride it out. You have done all you can and it is time to turn over his care to a team of people, you are only one exhausted person and that is just a fact of life. Because of that exhaustion you will make mistakes and have some associated problems so also take care of yourself. If the nursing home is good let them take control of his care with you on the sidelines making some adjustments as you go. Your opinion in all matters should taken into consideration, you are the one who knows him best. I was pleased Ray's nursing home allowed me some input into his care as it made me feel I was still his caregiver. If anyone comes up with some negative line like you are no longer a caregiver ignore them, they have not walked the floors of a night with you.Right now you need to concentrate on getting yourself back into good shape knowing that visiting Lauren will take a toll on your health too. (((hugs))) Sue.

Asha, as usual your advice is spot on. I should appreciate and recognize good times and store them away in my memory book. Maybe that is something I need to concentrate on now I am the only one doing some recreational event, Before Ray died all memories were shared, now I have to keep them myself and enjoy the moment and the memory. Thank you.

Katrina, I am glad you can look back on your old blogs and see patterns. It is a part of life that we go through cycles of illness and wellness. But in your case I surely do hope that one of the doctors you visit can get a handle on what is happening to you so you can go on with your life.

I was down at my daughter Shirley's for just over a week.and as usual It was hard to come home, to leave the family that I have been having fun with and make the tiring journey back but I know that they have to go on with their busy lives and I am not able to stay. I still miss having someone here when I get home and I suspect I always will. But this time I met a friend coming up the road to see if I was in and went to her place for a cuppa and a chat so all was well and I did have someone to tell about the past week. It made for a better homecoming. I was glad to get home but sad to see that as we had not had ANY rain while I was away some of my more delicate pot plants had given up on life. My next door neighbour did put the mail and papers inside so the house yard didn't look neglected but didn't think to water anything in the garden. Once back home it didn't take me long to feel as if I had never left, doesn't that get to you sometimes that the happy times fade so fast? So on with life I go. Rang a few people to catch up on the latest news, read the blogs and did the blog report to the best of my ability. I rang Trevor at Broken Hill and they are having a heatwave, over 112 day before yesterday, and very hot all week. The people in places like Arizona know that well I know but their air conditioner on the house they rent is not working properly and they are really feeling the heat after the milder weather we have on the coast. I got to thinking while I was away about how it is to feel inactive and still feel worthwhile. A few of my older friends are feeling this now particularly as they feel more housebound in our present weather. If they feel the heat and don't go out as much in summer it is easy to get something similar to cabin fever. It is caused by their isolation and the fact that through the holidays ( school is just back after six weeks of summer holidays) they hear from their family less than usual. I was wondering if we should do a ring-around in summer, maybe from church, to see if everyone is okay? It is easy to just assume everyone is busy in summer, as we are, and not realise they are isolating themselves. I guess the same applies to those who are snowbound in the northern winter. What does it mean to be isolated and at an age when you no longer reach out to others, your contemporaries having gone, moved or just no longer ring, and how do we overcome that? I ask that question here as a lot of caregivers and survivors are in that position because of their circumstances and it is worth thinking about. It is another one of those "How do you show you care" questions. I also realise I no longer anticipate good times. Those years of caregiving taught me not to expect a lot of life. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I know it is better to take life as it comes, the bad mixed in with the good but in a way I want to return to that joy of living I had as a teenager ( once I got over the angst) and look ahead with hope. Maybe that will come in time. Only one letter among the mail, mostly government information letters and the usual bills to be paid so nothing to look forward to in that. Remember letters, those precious ones from your bestie" or your beau? I rang the Broken Hill family and caught up with their news and then chatted with my other DIL on Facebook. It is a bitter sweet homecoming but I know how it will be now, no-one here to talk to and after being with one of my families I do really miss the household chatter. My little grand daughter particularly sitting next to me and saying "listen Granma" and sharing her day after school. That took me back to my own children coming home and sharing the news. Make me a bit nostalgic as she so reminds me of her Mum at the same age. So I am glad to be back, looking forward to church ( I missed two Sundays) and the regular routine of life. We are still on daylight saving until April so still a lot of long summer days ahead but with no-one to share it with it is not quite the same.

Fred, we miss you but understand that sometimes you just need to take a break. Sue.

Lenny you are a champion! Keep up the good work.

Trip delayed as I had a funeral to go to today. It was a good friend from way back so I felt I ought to go and was glad i did. Trevor's departure went back a day when the steam cleaner he was using exploded, or blew a gasket so he had to go find another one to finish the job. Had another funny thing happen, my letterbox fell apart a few days ago, so this afternoon Trev and I fixed it with HUGE nails. I would say "what next?" but that would be tempting Fate.

Terry, you are an overcomer, you went snorkeling despite the fact that you knew it would be challenging. Well done. The plane trip sounds scary but you hung in there and got to your destination unharmed. You are amazing.

I read all the blogs full of angst from many of you who are living in the twilight zone of caregiving and wonder why I do not feel happy and settled and glad not to be a caregiver now. But somehow I don't feel like that, life after being a long term caregiver is full of a whole new set of anxieties and problems. So I think that while we are full-time caregivers the problems just compound faster than in the rest of our lives. Where does time go? Summer is flying by at a great rate. I seem to be fairly busy but a lot of that is due to Trevor and Edie moving as I have been there a lot. Love getting into the swimming pool on a hot day. I have Trevor here for a few days as he is cleaning the house now. It is important to leave it clean and tidy as your reputation as a renter is on the line and one day they will be (hopefully) back on the Coast again. Yes, I miss Edie and the children, who left here last Thursday to drive to Broken Hill. They arrived last Friday afternoon, and moved into the house on Monday morning, now they are busy making the rented house into a home. Of course the furniture never fits as you want it to and that is another problem and although they labelled everything there are pieces missing that should have been in this box but are not. Edie rings Trevor with all her problems. I had to laugh at one side of the conversation yesterday about where the nuts and bolts for Lucas's bed would be. I though of Ray and I moving around on our own early in our marriage and then with one, two or three young children. I remembered one set of removalists wrapped the saucepan lids in towels and put them all into boxes marked linen, it took me months to find them all. I feel as if my life is being censored at the moment. I went in to see the law firm about Mum's probate this morning as there had been a glitch, not my fault but I know who will get the blame. I tried to remain calm but in the end wanted to shout: "Just get this over with". Now I know why no-one wants to be the executor of a will. Too much paperwork! It is so hard to think that this is what our life comes down to, a statement of our little assets, dividing a lifetime of work into dollars and cents. I do not want this to be the end of my Mum and Dad's earthly life. It is so mercenary. Had an emergency next door late last night. The dad of our next door neighbour is staying with him and the son had gone out to dinner thinking all would be well as his dad was settled in bed. The old father fell down the side of the wall next to the bed and got trapped there. I could hear a faint cry and that was him bellowing for help. I am glad I have keys as that meant I went over, saw where he was wedged and bellowed myself, for Trevor to come and help. We got him up and back into bed between us. It turned out that his Vitacall pendant was attached to the bed but at the angle he was at when he had slid down the side it was well out of his reach. This morning our neighbour came in to say "thank you". I do shudder when someone says their parent would have gone into care if it were not for kind neighbours. A kind neighbour is often a little old lady like me. We are really willing to help but if Trev had not been here I would have had to call an ambulance. It makes me remember back to Ray's many hair-raising episodes and shudder again. My neighbour also asked for a list of nursing homes close by as his sister says they need to be planning for the future. Sad eh? I am off next week to Shirley's and will be staying for a week. I don't know why it always seems difficult to find a mutually agreeable time but it does. My two grandchildren will no doubt fill my ears with their plans and hopes and dreams for the coming year. I hope so. I do so enjoy being with them and hope that the feeling is mutual. And it is nice to spent time with my daughter and son-in-law too.

George, you are as spot on as ever. Living alone in all that snow! But as usual it is about attitude not altitude. I'm with Leslie on doing what she can to help her Mum when she can but it must be a hard choice for her with you also needing her. I guess the two of you work it out between you. If you ever do have to make the decision to move it will be hard but like every other decision we either make it or someone else has to make it for us. Sue.

Sally, chat is for all sorts of things, venting (or whining), asking questions, having a joke, becoming part of a loving community. I know it can be a downer sometimes when we are ALL having a bad day but persevere and you may be just the one person someone else is looking for to talk to who really understands. I always enjoy your blogs. Sue.

Happy Birthday Ruth. I think I sent you greetings via Facebook but just in case I didn't I hope you have a really great year ahead of you with opportunities for some of that "ME time" all caregivers need to keep going on. (((birthday hugs))) from Sue.

We certainly do miss you Ruth, you have been our adviser on a lot of caregiving issues. I can understand how very busy you are and how that leaves little time for personal stuff. Please do drop in to chat if you ever find the time, we'd love to talk to you again. My psoriasis is raging this summer so had to change my shampoo and get my old cream reordered. I use a low cortisone ointment on my visible patches but hard to do that with my hair. I hate the special shampoo as my hair loses it's bounce when I use it. Sue.