swilkinson

The noise stopped at 10.30am this morning (27th) as the last family members left. I survived, I only had a couple of bad moments and managed to hide for a few minutes so no-one knew. It was wonderful to have so many happy moments. Once again no mention of Ray but there were stories from the past shared by brother and sister. Our older son did not come except to drop his children off yesterday. He didn't even come into the house. So still some sadness about that. Christmas Day turned out well. Children's Church 6pm Christmas Eve was a huge success, kids so enchanting in the Christmas Story play. Many neighbourhood people that come to Messy Church or our Market Days came with their children, not really being used to church but wanting to be there. Lots of laughter and the singing was football crowd rather than heavenly choir but they all joined in. Then Christmas morning threatened to be a disaster as very low numbers when the service started, but more families came five or ten minutes into the service. It was the fourth service in 24 hours but enough people came to make it worth while. There is such a lot of preparation goes into these four services that it is nice when people say they enjoyed it all. Makes it worth the time and effort somehow. I was a part of two of them and although it is tiring it is part of the tradition of the church I belong to so I gave of my best. Family lunch at Pamela's, but actually only me eating as they had had brunch instead but fun with the kids before their father (my older son) rang asking for them to be taken to his place and then I stayed on for a while to keep Pamela company. Came home to prepare for the rest of the family to arrive and when they did more fun, food and laughter. Boxing Day we spent mainly in Trevor's pool, the little ones from Wyoming were dropped at 9.30am so we had all seven grandkids together. There were the usual arguments over pool toys and who splashed water into who's eyes but everyone played mad pool games and yes I did get sunburnt, didn't get the sun cream to some spots like under my arms, how did that area get burnt? Maybe when I was pushing the little ones on the Crocodile, or throwing balls from one end of the pool to the other? We did run out of towels, I gave all my large towels to Trevor so I need to stock up again for family invasions. It is amazing how much food we all ate, how much leftovers that produced, I will be eating them for the next week. It was fortunate that I was given boxes of chocolates as all my grandchildren are chocoholics so they are mostly eaten which is very good. That saves me the trauma of having them in the house calling my name at night! What will I do with some things, like most of a gingerbread house and the things I bought for them and cannot eat myself due to dietary restrictions? Did I think of Ray? All the time. It was hard not to cry when I so wanted to tell him how cute the boys and Alice were, how well the aunties and uncles interacted with the children and what fun it was to play in the pool happily for hours without any fuss or fights. I so love to have my kids together but they are OUR kids and grandkids, not just mine. I loved Naomi telling me "sorry Granma, Tori and I need to go outside and have some special time because we are girls." I love that they are bonding. And then this morning Christopher and Naomi asking their mother: "Couldn't we just stay another day?" It shows they love being here. i look around the house now and there is a lot to do to straighten it out and make it neat and tidy again but I don't care. I like it to look messy. It is a sign of a family home as opposed to the tidiness of a widow's house. I may not have them under the same roof for years to come with the coming and goings of at least two out of three families on the move but at least I have the memories of this Christmas to cling to. I love my family and have much joy in having them all together . Sad my older son does not see it the same way. So my Christmas was not peaceful but over the two days full of noise and laughter and that is as it should be. For the rest of 2013 I will take it quiet, take it slow, ponder on what has been and what may still be to come. Wishing all of you good health and happiness in 2014.

Hope your Christmas was a happy one and 2014 is a happy healthy year. xo Sue.

Hope your Christmas was a Happy Day and your year to come is a great one. Enjoy. xo Sue.

Hope you have a happy time also Sally, and a great 2014. xo Sue.

Same to you and your family Bill. Lovely to be able to keep in touch with your doings this year. Hope 2014 is a great year for you all. Sue

Fred it is all about attitude and you have a good one. Happy and healthy in the New Year is my wish for you. Christmas season is always going to be a balancing act, hard to keep healthy when people are so generous with mountains of food, sugary, yummy food too! So keep healthy and we will enjoy your wit and wisdom for years to come.

Julie, best wishes to you and yours and I hope your wishes do come true. It is hard to put on that Happy Face when life has been a long way from perfect all year but that is what we have to do. I have been overdoing it, out too much, strange meals at odd hours but I have the next few days to recover and get life into some kind of order. I know Christmas will come whether I am prepared for it or not. Thanks for your friendship this year, it has been a tough one for me and all those who have stood by me are worth more than rubies.

Colleen, visiting the sick and comforting the bereaved are important, it is not the least you can do it is what some people can do. It takes a special person. I know life is busy and that is a problem and will be more so as we age. Because as people have started working longer hours there may not be people who will have the time to return the favour and visit us in our time of need. I don't think any of us are constantly good but a lot do have good intentions and turn them into actions. It is one of the things that gives life value.

I went to a funeral today. It was the funeral of a woman not much older than me. I had known her since I was seventeen. I remember being introduced to her as K's girlfriend. I was jealous. This was in a household of boys I always thought of as "mine". I laugh about that looking back but you know how intense teenagers can be. They moved away after they got married and I saw them only occasionally. Then he turned up in the same Dementia Lodge as Mum, pitifully aged with early onset dementia. So we got acquainted again, B and I and had some good conversations. K died before Mum, in his early 70s but looking like an old, old man. So sad. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and two years later died. I am still pondering Asha's blog to answer the question: choice or destiny? I do not know. I don't want my destiny to be a bleak road to death, on the other hand I also don't want to make choices that would blight my life. It always seems to come back to the eternal question: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" We are not bad people. Basically most of us have not done a lot to harm other folks. Of course I only know what you write about yourself, the same way you know me and of course there is a lot we don't put in our blogs. I hope I am a good judge of character and would know if you were a mass murderer or a serial killer. But I might not know. All I do really know is that we all have stroke in common. It is what brought us to this site. And we are all here looking for support. And if we are able to give support that is an added bonus. People ask me why I go to so many funerals - it is the same answer, to give support. To support the family of the deceased, to express my gratitude for whatever that person did to add to my life. I have a lot to be grateful for. B always told me what Mum had been up to when she visited. She would say things like: "Your Mum had a good meal today, she ate all her vegetables and seemed to enjoy the dessert." When people said things like that to me it gave me peace of mind.Looking after Ray as well I was not able to go to visit Mum as often as I would like to so I relied on others to tell me what Mum had been up to. B also came to Mum's funeral bringing another mutual friend with her. She was in the middle of chemo and wore a bandanna but she made the effort. So she was a good friend to me. So if you have not done any harm have you done some positive good? I think of people like Sarah on here who gives out vouchers and pays for meals as her "acts of kindness" to others she sees as being less fortunate than herself. A lot of others on here oversee elderly neighbours, support friends with cancer, ask us to join with them in praying for others. These are not "goodie-goodies" just fine citizens and really good people. Communities are built on people like them and I am so proud to know them. Just as I am proud to know so many of you, not least because you are weak but try to be strong and fight to return to good health and in doing so you motivate yourself and others. I have just had a batch of Christmas cards to open today and one struck me as very sad, a daughter writing to say that her Mum has Alzheimers, is in a dementia ward and cannot read or write now. That is sad as she is not a lot older than I am. So I need to really appreciate my present good health. I have a lot to be thankful for, and working arms and legs, a brain that works reasonably well and a good constitution are among them. i have been down for a while but think I am getting my sparkle back at last. Thanks to all who have been praying for that to happen. And so in this time of seasonal and often artificial good cheer I want to sit down and think about life and death. To really think about what I value, what motivates me and what I can do to help others to see what is good in their lives to. We all have a lot to be grateful for, we just sometimes need some other sufferer, someone in a similar situation, to point that out to us.

A lot of things are incomprehensible to a person with brain damage. Ray did some really strange things from the 2007 stroke on but they are some of the memories I laugh now So laugh it off if you can.

I remember that feeling when you have a little bit of freedom and then you are back home and reality zaps you. As you say - another day tomorrow. For better, for worse, in sickness and in health. (((hugs)) from Sue.

When I read all you are going through I think back to some of the things I went through with Ray and guess I just don't want to go back there ever! Each season of your life has it's own cares and woes, mine are different but somehow just as painful. (((hugs))) m Sue.

Oh dear Debbie, I have just written a little moany blog and now reading yours my troubles are just so insignificant. Mind you I HAVE been there done that. Hope you have a better week ahead of you. And if there is a glimpse of blue sky try and get outside for a while. Just being out in the fresh air is real pick-me-up

Sometimes I think about how excited I used to be when Christmas was just days away. When I was a small child my parents were not well off, we had come to Australia with very little money and I used to get just one gift, it was marked "love from Mum and Dad". I used to envy the children in our street who had aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents close by as well as their Mum and Dad who gave them presents and small keepsakes. I did have relatives but they all lived in England or Canada and we rarely got gifts from them. Of course there were many other children locally who also came from overseas, from countries poorer than ours so they too got very little in the way of presents. I could relate to them more than to my Australian neighbours in the sense that we were all isolated from so many who would have formed our family circle. And of course those our parents loved which meant that our parents were sad at Christmas time too. I learned some hard lessons when I was a child about making do with what I have. It stood me in good stead when I was looking after Ray, firstly because it stopped me wishing for things I could not have, and secondly because waiting for good things to happen was part of my nature, built on the fact that Mum and Dad had to pay everything off on one wage and so you knew that you would get certain things you needed but had to wait until they could afford it. We would never have whined : "buy me this, buy me that" as I hear children doing these day in the supermarkets, Mum would have grabbed us by the hand and marched out, angry that we had shamed her in public by showing others that we were too poor to afford all the things we wanted. One busy week to go, only ten days before it is Christmas, only a month before Trevor and Edie move to Broken Hill. Life is a mixed bag, moments of fun and laughter, times of heartache and sadness. Christmas season, the lead-up to Christmas is far too busy, the days seem to fly by and I am not ready for the actual day to come. I am trying to prepare psychologically as I know that even though this is my second Christmas without Ray it is still hard to come to terms with. The family is not the same, we have lost our heart. Without Ray at home with me the house is no longer as homely. I am certainly not the same, I am a widow and an orphan and some days that is exactly the way I feel, alone and abandoned. My adult children too suffer although I don't think any of them really knows how to express that. Of course they miss Ray but are of a generation that feels they should "move on" whatever that means. There must be a lot of people telling themselves they have moved on when really they are just walking around with a giant hole in the middle of their lives. No wonder so many people suffer from depression, I wonder if some of it is really aggravated sadness grown too big to bear? If you feel like that please get some counselling. It is possible to go on without those you love but it is very difficult and very lonely sometimes. And so each day I put on my good clothes and go on out into the world with my best smile on my face and try to treat people with respect and be sensitive to those around me. A young man who is often at our church told me recently he thought that old people looked so sad and I explained it is often because so many of their partners or their good friends have died before them and now they are left to go on alone, as I am, and it is hard to do. He did look a bit thoughtful so I hope he does make an exception to the "grumpy old men/women" theme that is popular at the moment and think of each older person as an individual with their own lives and their own thoughts and dreams. The fence between my house and the new house is finished - what a saga that was! Some things that happened, including more destruction of my side garden beds, caused me to have a meltdown on Friday and I had a huge howling fit and felt awful afterwards but it all becomes a bit too much when you discuss decisions and things are turning out very different to what you have been lead to expect. But for better or worse the fence is up! Now I need to rebuild the garden beds, hopefully for the last time. The trampled bulbs will maybe flower next year, the shrubs will still have time to put on leaf but it is too late for them to flower now. It was certainly the wrong time of the year to do all of this but what is done is done. Now I need it to rain to settle everything back in. Actually I am glad I can find things to keep me occupied. The Lions Club Christmas Stocking ticket selling experience is bittersweet, already I have had two people come up to me with a bright smile and ask: "And how is Ray?" It is fifteen months since he died and I am not sure whether I am happy people still remember him, sad because he is no longer here, or glad he is out of pain. I have so many mixed feelings. Not all is well with our ongoing plans for Christmas Day and Boxing Day ether. Like many families we find we have a clash of plans. I am hoping it all works out so we can have a proper get-together. Christmas is supposed to be the family celebration. Or is that just what the advertisers tell us to sell their products? I am looking at life as optimistically as I can. As people pass by and call out: "Merry Christmas Sue." I reply: "And to you too". I do mean it and I try to believe it.

Terry, well done both on the longevity of your marriage and on your weight loss. Yes, you both deserve a good long holiday, so enjoy that too. (((hugs))) from Sue.

No, I can remember that happening to Ray to: "I want to go to the toilet...." and it was too late. I am not sure being in bed for days is a good thing though, you do need to be vertical from time to time and exercise increases appetite so getting up for a few hours once a day, if possible, would improve his overall health.

Thank you Sally. So nice to see those happy songs and remember good times in our hearts.

Joni, I guess your Mom had to know eventually but the timing could have been better. Anything that happens for at least a little while you can put down to her expressing her grief. I know depression can set in so watch for the signs. Hope she can still find some purpose in life. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Congratulations on your anniversary Debbie, hope there are many, many more to celebrate and enjoy.

Katrina, no worries about the length of the blog, just so glad you are still getting movement in the arm and hand. Yes, it must make your parents so pleased to see that extra activity. Take things easy for a while longer and then make a few new decisions when the time seems right.

Having someone come for a visit is a good thing when you live on your own. It is company, it is noise and conversation and another face at the table. It is also hard work and fills so much of your time while they are here. I had a houseguest for a week and enjoyed it so much. For once Ray's name came up naturally and sometimes in a funny way so that we laughed. Vicki and her parents were at Ray's funeral and came the next day for a visit before driving the twelve hours back to where they live in western New South Wales. It is good friends like that that keep you going. I am glad I still have some of them. So far I have not been able to tackle the Christmas card list. I did it last year by just signing all the cards "love from Sue" or "love from Sue and family". It is harder to do that for some reason this year. I don't know whether to write a letter and enclose it or just to write something like: "I'm doing okay" and then finish "love from Sue". I know most of those on my card list do not want to know the ins and outs of my daily life, if they did they would ring me and find out what's happening in my life. They just want to know I still exist and that in the far distant future we will meet up again. The reason I know this is because that is exactly how I feel about some of the people on my list. We are no longer close, we are no longer in touch regularly, we are no longer a part of each other's lives but due to some previous closeness we do have a regard for each other. I wish I could pay a visit to each one so we could somehow resume that previous closeness. I know that is not possible, even in my present circumstances I cannot chase people all over the world. But I want to somehow resume that closeness. I sit down to write and all I want to write is that I miss Ray. I know that part of each "family" holiday is that when the family loses a loved one we still gather together but it is not the same as we still miss that person dreadfully. I have said a lot of times that my family thinks I am strong, thinks I can cope, thinks that a phone call once a week is all that is needed. And I am sad to say that at one stage of my life that was exactly what I felt about my parents. Of course they were okay. But Mum and Dad had each other for company. And that is a different scenario - I am alone. I have the three little ones coming over on Sunday so I have brought out the boxes of decorations so they can decorate the tree for me. It is always good if some members of the family will participate. Makes it still seem like a family effort and I really need that feeing of family right now. That silence that echoes in this house sometimes really needs to be lightened by the sound of other voices. When I have had visitors I really notice the silence when they have gone. I know being alone does not have to mean I have to be lonely but sometimes it does. Who do you relate to when you are alone? I know for busy caregivers there is a longing to be alone, to have some "ME" time. But after the death of a spouse or partner suddenly being alone seems totally unimportant. You desperately want them back again. You would do anything to have them back again. How foolish and perverse we all are. So many conflicting emotions, such a mixture of suffering and longing. I guess being a widow means being vulnerable to emotional pain. I never thought I would be this lonely. I always thought I would just fill my life up with busyness and that would be fine. I wonder when that changed? I used to love being here on my own, especially when I had our three children coming and going. All the weekends were so busy and I longed for peace and quiet, and now that is the way life is all the time - so quiet. I can understand why it seem as if our lives are unimportant when the major task of caregiving is over. It was my life for so long and now it is as if I have been sacked from a job I had for a long time. I am gradually learning to fill my life with busyness but busyness does not always satisfy the need to be needed that we do feel. I don't know what will change that for me. Maybe I will learn to live with silence and enjoy my single life. A lot of the older widows at my church tell me they enjoy being on their own. I am not sure they are actually telling the truth. They always seem to love joining with others for a meeting or a meal. I will try to enjoy the end of year meetings and so called Christmas parties. But know that I still feel the sadness of being without Ray and that will colour the way I see life for some time yet.

Thanks Asha, that applies to me as a widow too. It is hard to come up against a brick wall in the search for new meaning in your life. I will try to see it as a challenge, not as something designed to stop me or turn me away. Sue.

Wonderful news Sally, so glad you keep us updated with Carol's news.

Oh Cindy, what a wonderful answer to prayer. What a gift being able to play is, both to the one that plays the song on the guitar and those who listen. Hope the singing goes well also. Bless you both.