swilkinson

We are having it wet and cold (comprativey) and it is summer!!!! Hail storms at the weekend. Nancy, just take care, be prepared to go out if you have to , if you don't have to hunker down and enjoy the great indoors for a change. Sue.

Hey Debbie Sparks, you looked just sparkling in the photos in the Gallery, Bruce polished up pretty well also. Well done both of you! You will never go back to the old "normal" but a "new normal" has started that INCLUDES the "happy ever after". Sue.

Oh debbie, wish we could all be with you enjoying the buzz, helping with the preparations, snapping photos of hair and makeup preparations, you know, all that girlie stuff. God bless you and Bruce on your wedding day. Sue.

Sandy, I will be praying for her too. I know we all have our ups and downs with our Moms but in the end they are the only one we will ever have. Sue.

Always make sure your Java is up to date and is theright one for the system you are using. I have had lock-outs myself when the Java should have been updated and wasn't! So frustrating. We did wonder what was happening and kept nipping back to the lobby to see if we could set you free! The Bachelorette party was fun and yes, we are looking forward to another one next spring. Sue.

While I was in a daze for most of the last two months because of Ray's death I won't mourn for Mum in the same way. My mother was scornful of the sorrowful, she would say: "Look at them sitting there with long faces." so I will not mourn her. I will try to be as philosophical as those people who tell me "she was old" ( I know that), " she is in a better place" (I know that too) and she wouldn't want me to "sit around with a long face" (true). So I am trying to rejoin life again. I have just finished writing the 50th Christmas card. I have sent some with a short computer-generated letter, some I have hand-written a short message in, some I have enclosed either the Graveside service sheet from Ray's service or from Mum's as a lot of those once-a-year friends and acquaintances may not yet know about their deaths. It would be easier to just sent a letter but we somehow expect a card, don't we? Of course for those of you on my email list or Facebook page you are way ahead on the information highway. I probably have 40 or so more cards to go. Next year I am cutting down the size of the list, Yesterday I went to a funeral of a long time congregation member who had been in the legal profession. A lot of the older men had been to college or University togather I learned when talking to them. Some wore expensive but ill-fitting suits which made them look as if they had shrunk a lot since buying them,knowing how stressful that profession is I wondered if they have been worn down by time. Many attenders were well over 80 but seemed happy to see friends they knew and have a bit of a chat. The funeral was a very long, very formal one and the participants were very grateful for the cup of tea or coffee and cakes that followed. I did bring goodies this time, it is time for me to give back having had two funeral teas provided recently. I went out to lunch today with the women from my craft group. I felt happy going out but somehow it is like there is a glass screen between me and others. I just can't get past that and I can't express real joy at the moment. The best I can do it to try and laugh in the right places and smile and be pleasant. I am still adjusting to life without Ray, life without Mum. Some people can understand that, some people can't. Some say:"your Mum wouldn't want you to be upset". That could be true but it doesn't make it any easier. Tonight I went to the Lions dinner. It was a mixed night so we had wives there as well. Some of the older men were really nice and expressed their condolences on the death of my mother and their regrets that they couldn't be at the funeral. It was not expected that they be there as this is a very busy time of the year. They were there for Ray's funeral and that is what counts for me, and I told them so. It is nice of them to try to be supportive. I had a phone call from an old friend who I used to work with at Social Security, when I started he was the "death desk" a position I held later. He said he used to calm the widows down by telling them: "Every time you sign your name on a document you become less Mrs Jack Smith and more MS Norma Smith, so you are not losing your life you are actually getting it back." I must say that is not the thought I've had, nor do I agree with it. But I think he was trying to be comforting. I just wondered how many poor widows left his desk howling their eyes out. Obviously our Lions Club are struggling with staffing for all that has to be done at this time of the year so I put my name back down on the Christmas Stocking ticket selling roster. I will just do once a week for the next three weeks. It is not a lot and I should survive. The last thing I want to be is a drag on the Club especially as they have all been so kind to me.My partner for ticket selling, Bob, who is in his mid-eighties, said kindly it will be good to "have the old team back together again." So now I have a list of things I have to do between now and Christmas. It is the busy season, the party season, the end-of-the-year function season. It may also be the season to be jolly but I am not sure I am up to jolly as yet. I am going to help out with one of the once a month meet and greets we hold for the very elderly, just a big morning tea as a Christmas break-up next Tuesday morning. I think I am up to that. Little steps as in any form of recovery, small details, small decisions...nothing drastic. Maybe by the time all the various committees go back at the end of January, beginning of February I will feel more settled in myself and more willing to take a greater part in church life. But in the meantime life goes on.

Ruth, I had to laugh at your drug test, I had to have a urine test when I was pregnant and had walked to the surgery, same thing - no pee for an hour! You fit a lot into your day which is good. I am glad William's reflexes have improved with the pickle ball. Anything that improves them physically is a blessing. More peace of mind for you. Sue.

You can't beat kids and pets for cheering you up...!lol. It is good to look outside of our limited space and see the good things going on around us. I've always had kid friends in my neighbourhood and been grateful to their parents for letting me be an honorary aunt or Granma to them. Hope some of this overcomes the sadness in your life and brighter times are ahead. Sue.

Katrina, in a new job we all wonder what our co-workers think of us. If one stares at you chances are they are daydreaming about their burger for lunch. Keep on going, show them you have style and courage. Sue.

I can't believe I had three phone calls today telling me why friends were not at Mum's funeral yesterday. Forget it friends, you were not there. But Mum was 94, had been out of circulation for twelve years and so I was not surprised that only fifty people came. Really only four of her friends, my church friends and mine and my sister's families were there. So today why do I need to know who was not there, well I know that already, and why? Just send a card folks, that is all you need to do. The funeral went well, no-one made a fuss which was nice and most stayed to afternoon tea again done generously by the craft group ladies. I really do appreciate the effort they have made. It is hard to ask for them to do two funeral teas for the same family two months apart. But there they were smiling and pouring tea. I will join in with them again as soon as I am stable emotionally and will be there for others. The loving care from others does need to be paid forward. There was a lot of tears from our family at the graveside and in the church. I think Trevor in particular was still crying for Ray. It is hard to face the reality of another loss after only two months, very hard indeed. I was so glad once again of the help of my dear daughter and her husband. I wrote the eulogy, Craig delivered it, Shirley did the prayers and the Bible reading. After all they are the professionals, but Shirley cried so much she had very red eyes and when she and Craig came to sing a duet at the end of the service ( they both have wonderful voices) Craig finished up singing the last verses alone with one arm around Shirley to hold her up. My favourite nephew and his sister had written a short eulogy to give on behalf of the grandchildren and in the end they read it line by line as both were cyring, Ellie for the lost years, her brother because he had still seen her until I could no longer bring her home and wasn't able to visit her after that so he really was heartbroken at the loss. It is good she was so well loved, even by the grandchildren who I would have thought had forgotten about her. She was special to a lot of people. The flowers on the coffin cover were yellow roses and deep blue irises. It was a magic choice and one she would have loved. As she was interred first, as Ray was, we found a lovely picture of her to put on the table in the church with the flowers. It was taken the day of my graduation with the Diploma of Theology in 1995 and I remember she told someone she was really proud of me. As Mum was never one to praise us that was very special to me. I think she was proud of both of us but rarely said it out loud, which is a pity as we all need praise. If you haven't told your kids lately how proud you are of them or how you love them please do so today. Now I am looking for time to reflect on what has been happening during the past two months. I spent so much time with Mum that all else was neglected but now I will also have so much to do sorting out the two estates that that will leave me without much time to reflect anyway. Maybe I am just a person who needs to move forward without analysing things too much. Or maybe. like when Dad died I will suddenly find myself deluged by grief some months into the future when I am assuring myself I am over all that now. My next door neighbour and my daughter in law (older son's wife) are back home from England, both with a lot of stories to tell. I was on the phone to my daughter in law for about two hours this morning hearing of her adventures. After a few days with her three children I am sure it will all fade away and seem just like a dream to her. But she will have the memories, the photos and some souvenirs to cling to. Ray and I did our trips to England in 1994 and 1998 and I still remember a fair bit about those trips. It was good to be in caregiver chat this morning. The main theme of course this week was Debbie's wedding coming up on December 8th. Julie (the jule1) and I want to be cyber bridesmaids and Debbie is unsure whether my yellow dress will blend with her color choice of ivory and pink. Caregivers (well everyone really) are cordially invited to attend next week's chat and join the Caregiver Chat Bachelorette party. Bob is coming in a bow tie as an honourary bachelorette of course, the more the merrier. Wine punch with strawberries will be served in honour of my English heritage! Words of songs keep flashing through my head. When I think of Debbie and Bruce I think of the song which has the words: "There may be trouble ahead but while there's music and dancing and love and romance, let's face the music and dance".(Lyrics by Darius Danesh). We all know that life isn't lived in a vacuum and one thing bad happening to you doesn't mean that another bad thing isn't just over the horizon just waiting to roll down on you but I am a firm believer in hope. Hope has never let me down. Whatever the trouble, whatever the struggle, however low it brings you, in the end we will turn the experience into something worth while, a new skill, a life lesson or a story to tell others. Thankfully all that has happened in the past two months will do that too.

Katrina, I just want to say prayers coming your way. I can understand how frightening and disheartening the seizures are having seen what happened with Ray. I agree, get to see a neurologist as soon as you can. (((hugs))) from Sue.

I know you want to do it all but you are the BRIDE! Does having a groomsman/nurse make any sense to you? It is your day so if you have someone you trust so you can relax and take your time with some help either in the morning before or during the ceremony that would be so much better. I would opt for that. I remember when Trev wanted to have the wedding at Ray's bedside, I was so glad that did not have to happen. Craig toiletting Ray between the ceremony and the lunch was a bold move but it happened and that was what counted. Sometimes an alternative has to be found, one woman can only do so much. As a cyber matron-of-honour can I wear yellow? It is my color. All us cyber-bridesmaids need to post a picture. At least it will give us all a laugh, aand we all need that. Sue.

Ken I agree that no matter how far out from the stroke you can always improve if you are determined to. Ray had a six weeks program, one morning a week about four years ago that gave him a real boost. The people were friendly and positive about his improvement and that helped a lot. I was glad of the changes as it did enable us to do more for a while. I think you do very well with your job and all you fill your life with. Congratulations on your progress. Sue.

I am sorry about what is happening to Dan, these decisions are so hard to make. I hope you find the surgeon sympathetic and someone he can relate to, who can explain things in a way he understands and can agree to. Not easy. If the doctor is willing he might put you in touch with someone who has had the surgery successfully and can encourage Dan to have it. The holidays are great when you feel physically and emotionally well. I am struggling to see the JOY but I will, I am determined to. Sue.

Julie, that is a happy post. It is wonderful to have family come on a day when our loved one is well and happy and in harmony with our suggestions. I too have spanking stories - best forgotten. I'm glad you all had a happy time together - save those memories. Sue.

I was a caregiver for the last thirteen years on my Mum's life. She died on Tuesday and I have no regrets I was with her till the last day. We too had a relationship that once lacked affection and I found a lot of spare love in my heart that I was able to use to make our relationship grow. It is a precious gift to be able to look after another, and when the mother/daughter relationship is in balance that is extra special.

Lenny I am green with envy but glad for you that you are having this great day out. I hope you do get to sing and dance till you tire yourself out. We all need to feel that great joy of just being where we want to be. Sue.

Good grief, that sounds like something I would have done on my busier days as a caregiver, not enough mind and too much on it! Glad it all turned out so well. Keep warm and enjoy the holidays. Sue.

One year out and she is doing so much better. Yes, we always have so much to be thankful for. So this year you all can celebrate. Sue.

So much has happened since my last blog. Looking at it now it seems as if all that happened months ago but it is only a week ago. My Mum died on Tuesday morning 5.20 am. She is finally at peace. I am glad and sad at the same time. I was with her all last Sunday afternoon and most of Monday. At 6pm on Monday one of the nurses told me to go home and get some rest. You can imagine how that didn't happen! As if I could sleep with her so close to death. At 5.30am Tuesday morning the phone rang and I was told she had passed away. After such a long time as her caregiver as well as Ray's and pre-2000 Dad's I am now free to move on after whatever grieving period I find necessary. I think I will be okay but who knows how I will react in the future? The funeral arranger said: "It seems such a short time since I saw you last" and it was just two months and a day.I was so grateful to the nursing home staff for all they did to keep Mum going. My older friends are rallying around again, some knew Mum from when she lived with Ray and I for two years and some have seen her since she has been in care as one of the church ladies was in her room and they visited her too. A death notice came out in today's paper so although a lot of her old friends have passed away I am sure there will be people in the community who still remember her fondly. I had Mum dressed in her Norman Hartnell dress, it was a family joke really as she always said: "The Queen has Norman Hartnell dresses too." I have held onto it since I cleaned her house out in 2001. A while ago when she asked me if she had nice clothes still at home I told her I had it and it was still her best dress . My sister and I did meet to discuss the funeral arrangements and we agreed on most things so I am hoping it all comes together as Ray's did two months ago. As before Craig will do the eulogy on our behalf because I am sure I would breakdown if I had to do it. I did Dad's myself and that was really hard. I am finding making the arrangements for this funeral more difficult as I feel as if this one is more on show. Because of the rift with my sister she is very critical of me and what I do so I know there will be a lot of criticism about minor points. My son-in-law advised me to just do it my way and stand by what I have done. I was her main caregiver for so long and knew exactly what to do but now I have reverted to being her daughter, one of two, I seem to have lost confidence in myself and my decision making. With Ray's funeral I just did it my way and that was good enough for most people. This time I wonder if every item, every song, every prayer is what Mum would have wanted and if my sister and her family will approve. I know this is silly of me but it is how I feel. Mum's funeral will be on Tuesday 27th November at the same church as Ray's was. The internment and graveside service will be at Wamberal Cemetery.She will be in the same grave as Dad - united at last. It certainly seems a long time since she died to me today but it is less than 4 days. Such a busy time when there is so many people to notify and so much to do and it is a big emotional strain too. Shirley, Craig and family arrived here late Tuesday so I have had the blessing of their company. They have been a help with what I needed to do immediately.The boys I know are only a phone call away. I am hoping that I will cope okay with this second funeral but it is one thing to think you are strong and quite another to get through an ordeal without breaking down. Last night we joined Trev, Edie and family for a meal together. Naomi finds her cousin Alice fascinating and loves to play "peek-a-boo" and other games with her. And I know Steve keeps in touch by phone and will come over if I need him. Shirley and family have gone back to Shelll Harbour for three days to do the servics needed over the weekend but will be coming back here on Monday. I helped our soon-to-be Deacon Kathy with the communion service at Berkeley Vale Nursing Home today. Our minister is having a week's vacation while his family from interstate are visiting so Kathy and I are the relief team. lt was strange in one way to be back there but good in another as assisting in the service and writing and giving the little talk we use in place of a sermon was healing for me too. To have yet more of the staff come up and chat and express their condolences on Ray's death was good too. Yesterday I was at Nareen Gardens for Freda's service and once again staff members came up to me to express their condolences for Mum's death. It is hard to take but good to have behind me. What does not kill you DOES make you stronger. I'd like all my friends to keep praying as the sleepless nights are with me once more. It is a terrible feeling knowing that not everyone is supporting me as you all do. But all I can do is strive to honour my Mum in what I do and keep walking forward day by day.

Thank you all, it is hard to get my head around all that needs to be done but with loving support from some great people, bith here and afar I will be able to do this. I have Shirley and family here and the boys and their families a phone call away so I am blessed. The funeral will be much like Ray's internent first, followed by a memorial service. I hope she would approve of the flowers, yellow roses and blue irises and the service we have put together. I will be back when life settless down again. Sue.

My congratulations Debbie, as you say it is the right time and Bruce now knows what he is doing and that is important. So may JOY< JOY< JOY and much needed HAPPINESS accompany all you're doing in the next few weeks. I look forward to the blogs and updates. Sue.

Adding my prayers for Tootie. She certainly is a special little girl to all of us here at Strokenet. (((hugs))) from Sue.

Nancy, when Ray had his bad strokes in 1999 I thought life was over but in the good years 2001-2006 Ray and I did two coach trips a year 8-10 days seeing parts of eastern Australia we had been planning to see as part of our retirement . Our friends used to ask if I had had a good time and I always said yes but like you I was paddling as hard as I could to keep upright! Was it worth it? Yes it was, it helped to "normailise" our situation and I did have someone else cook the meals and drive the coach, so I did have time to sit back and relax while we were sight-seeing. Do what you can to fill in those gaps in your life whether it is travelling or dancing or whatever it is you're missing out on. There is freedom within the limits and we all need that. Sue.

This morning I set out as usual to see Mum. When I got to the Nursing Home the door to her room was shut so instead of leaning against the wall for 20 minutes I went into the hostel part to see an old friend. I visit her about twice a month and she accepts that, every visitor she gets is very welcome she tells me. She was a member of my old church so I told her I was meeting a few ladies for lunch today, she always says "maybe I will come with you next time" but she never does. When I got back to Mum's room the door was open, she was not there and the bed next to hers was gone too. Freda got sick about the same time as Mum did but I knew she was very sick as yesterday the nurses were checking her hourly. Last week I think they were about the same condition but this week Mum is slightly better. I had a quick look in the room where the church service is held for Mum and she wasn't there so I went looking for her. As I passsed the nurses desk I asked if Freda was okay. The nurse said she was in the chapel and would I like to go there? In the chapel I saw a young minister who is a friend of my son-in-law's and a woman in ther thirties I had not seen before and Freda on her bed. Yes, this was the last rites being performed. I sat quietly and prayed for my old friend who I knew had been among other things, a missionary, a children's nurse, an assistant in a small children's home and in her fifties when I met her a woman of much compassion. I knew she was dying by her breathing and her coloring. The last rites service is short and meaningful and is said both for healing and forgiveness of sins. The niece and I added our prayers and "amens" and it was over. As the service ended the niece said: "I think she is gone now." and she had slipped away. I have seen quite a few people die in my chaplaincy work but never as quietly as she did. It was both peaceful and somehow reassuring that death can come so silently. I went on to the lunch and the women there who had all known Freda were a little subdued by the news of her passing, we have lost three members of our group in the past three months. One women summed it all up when I had told them the story, she said: "her spirit was released" I agree, it was exactly how I had felt at that moment. I went back this afternoon to visit Mum and she was fine, a little figgety but I was able to take her outside into a shady spot to listen to the sounds of spring. She seemed to calm down after a little while. I was glad I was able to do that for her, there is very little else I can do really. It is visit, speak, sing, massage her hands, the little touches of human kindness. I wish there was more I could do for her. I just wanted to put all that down on paper. It was a proivilege to be there at a friend's passing, quite unexpected for me but somehow it felt right, as if a part of where I am right now.