kkholt

Stroke Survivor - male
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Blog Entries posted by kkholt

  1. kkholt
    I'm feeling my personal life is stabilizing. One of the more interesting aspects that I've noticed is although Rob and I have a strong relationship, and are going through this rehab and adapting together physically, we go at different paces emotionally. The other day when we were talking I felt that it is just now occuring to Rob that no matter how better he gets, and although there may be no visible effects to other people, his body will likely always feel different. Another interesting area was in his response to constraint therapy - and he was concerned that I thought if he went through it, then I would think his stroke would be gone. It made me realize I am much farther at accepting our new lives, and the positive aspects, then he thinks I am. I want him to get better and if he doesn't I'm very much okay with how things are today.
  2. kkholt
    Rob got back from Kodiak two days before I had to leave on a business trip. We had so much to talk about in that short time, and we both hated that I had to go. I can't believe how much his walking improved in six weeks. He looked so much stronger, and was putting a lot more weight on his right leg. His gait was faster when he walked. I could tell he has picked up what might be considered "survival" habits in his walking. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to tell yourself stuff like, keep your hip forward, bend your knee, keep your foot straight, don't drag your toe..... all to take one step. His walking has surpassed the point that I can help him anymore.... Now he needs his PT to fine tune things, and help with the limp. While he was gone he wasn't able to exercise his arm/hand. He was amazed when he went to work out on his exercise equipment of how much he lost. A true test to use it or lose it.
     
    I had the day after he got home off - and we had a lazy day. We walked over to look at his airplane, and he climbed in. I just stood there, to be of help in case he needed it, but it actually went quite well. He is so strong with his left side.... he really compensates for what he has lost on the right. When he was sitting in his plane he showed me how he needed to be able to "dance" on his rudder pedals with both feet - and how he could modify the throttle so he could use it with his right hand. He showed me how he needed to be able to work the "stick" quickly when he his landing. I took a picture of him, sitting in his plane, looking happy. I think he still wants to sell it, because he knows it will be a while before he will be able to fly.
     
    I was thinking about what it ment to Rob to put that pack on his back this Spring. In his profession, a guide earns respect from his client in many ways. Often hunters may believe they don't need a guide, and only do because the state law requires they hire a guide, for the animal they wish to pursue, and they don't believe they really need the guide. After the game is taken, and the pack is loaded, a guide often gets a tremendous amount of respect when the client tries to even "move" the pack. This usually happens after the guide has made the long pack back to the beach in and out of the boat - and the hunter will just try to be helpful to move the pack out of the way..... and find they can't even budge it. Putting this pack on his back must have been a important step for Rob - perhaps in believing that he can guide again. Putting this pack on his back was a lot bigger than the fact that there are people that never had a stroke that couldn't do it -- it must have been so much more than that for him.
  3. kkholt

    My Grief!

    By kkholt,

    My husband is a walking reminder of grief for my old life! As we move through this process, trying to resolve things, we often says "I want the stroke to go away". On my way to getting there - I'm finding this to be one of the hardest situations in my life ever. I've lost a sibling, lost my mom to a terminal illness four years ago, recently lost my dad to a sudden accident..... and the grief associated with my husbands stroke is no comparison to any previous grief I have embraced. It's not even close. As I examine this, it comes to mind that every time I see him limping around the house; look at things undone that he used to take care of and that are now my responsibility; the challenge of dealing with an adolescent has become primarily my concern.... these are all constant reminders of the loss and changes in our lives. I struggle with a new life where my husband can no longer protect me physically, something that I dearly valued. He was tall, strong, and a big presence. He now struggles not to fall and take care of himself. I can't change the hand that was dealt me, I can only change my response to it. I've never in my life ever wanted to run away more than I do now. I'm an avoider by nature - I can avoid dealing with my feelings about my parents deaths.... The stroke situation I can't avoid - and it's really weighing pretty heavy on me. I'm going to go get some help.
     
    I can't help but think of an analogy that makes me smile. We have always owned working dogs (retrievers and bird dogs). Teaching a dog to "hold" a bird in their mouth is a challenge. You can't have them dropping it, or chewing it. They must be taught to hold the bird until you ask for it. The training starts with a dowl or stick or something that you put in their mouth, use your hands to close their mouth around the dowl, and tell them to hold. As soon as you take your hand a way, they always drop the dowl. This goes back and forth, back and forth.... until the dog accepts that nothing is going to change for them, and they have to hold the dowl until you ask for it. It's funny thinking about the dog continue to spit out the dowl and the trainer puts it back in... over and over and over again.
     
    That is kind of how I feel in regards to the stroke. I spit it out, go about my day, and very soon run into a situation that shoves the stroke back in my mouth..... over and over and over.
     
     
  4. kkholt
    Rob called tonight on his sat phone - he is still in the field - trying to assist with what he can. He has lots of help. His being in camp may be a bittersweet feeling - the obvious of what he can't do stares him in the face daily and the things he wants to do so badly, he has an opportunity to try.
     
    He wanted to tell me that he carried a pack today for a few hundred yards that weighed probably over 120 pounds. I asked him how it felt, and he said "just like getting out of my wheelchair". He thought it may have "looked" funny as he struggled with his gait - I could tell that it didn't matter how he did it, just the fact he did it was so important. He really needed to suceed at something physically he wanted to try.
     
    He said "make sure you tell your strokenet buddies".
  5. kkholt
    Yesterday I was looking at our 18 year old couch - that I no longer like, and was considering getting rid of it. I was thinking that it was past retirement time - but the thought of how to get rid of it was too much, so that is where it ended.
     
    I called home from work today and when my son answered the phone he informed me he was outside cleaning the couch cushions because the dog had puked on them. What a score. I told him that if he could haul the couch out the door without scratching the floor - to go for it.... and then he didn't have to clean the couch.
     
    So the couch is out of the house - and half way to it's future home..... where ever that might be.
     
     
  6. kkholt
    I need a break from my self-centered stroke-related world.... and wanted to think about something different. Here in Alaska we're quite a bit behind most of the lower-48 states in weather, still battling snow in my yard but.... I'm now just starting to think about plants and flowers - and am thinking about my five top favorite plants that will be soon growing in my yard, and they are:
     
    Rhubarb (beautiful and edible)
    Dalphiniums
    Columbine
    Wild Iris'
    Jacobs Ladder
    Daisys (all kinds) (sorry I couldn't keep it to five)
     
    Share your favorite plants or flowers ----
  7. kkholt

    That's it!

    By kkholt,

    I don't know what the problem is, (possibly operator error), but I've lost three postings in the last few days before they are finished. They haven't been in any particular area (forums and blogs). I may just have to resort to using word and cutting and pasting. I've seen others complain about this, and it wasn't until just recently that I've had the experience.
     
    Hmmmmmm....
  8. kkholt
    I'm pushing hard through some emotional issues currently - and what is the hardest is I'm not sure how much I have to do this alone, or with Rob. We've always worked through our issues together, however I'm not sure about his capacity any more. It seems he thinks he is no different than before his stroke, other than the obvious physical ones. He has very lightly hinted that any concerns I have are a matter of convenience for my own behavior. Whew, not sure what to do with that one!
  10. kkholt

    Do I stay or do I go

    By kkholt,

    I'm struggling with the decision on whether to stay at my job or not. The con associated with my job that is causing me to want to leave is the supervision responsibility. I only have three staff members that work in my department but I am totally through with being a supervisor. I am done being a professional "caregiver". I no longer want to assist with their professional development, and I have always hated to train. I'm done being responsible for anybody else's work besides mine. I'm done working twice as many hours as I get paid for. It is likely these feelings are associated with the new aspects in my personal life of being a caregiver. I love being a caregiver to my family, my husband in particular, and my rewards and payment come in the form of his physical gains, our emotional gains. I don't have the resources to do this at home and at work both. I feel like I'm giving up - the feeling of defeat - acceptance - resolution. Whatever word is used to make it palateable. I feel like I need the energy at home to deal with the associated emotional battles. My delima is, that if I leave the job, I leave a lot of good money, I leave our health insurance. Finding a job in this community with health insurance is near impossible, and I would have to immediately find new work, where all my time was spent paying for a private health insurance plan.
  11. kkholt

    Hola!

    By kkholt,

    Our trip to Mexico was fantastic - and of course over too soon for me! Traveling with extended family is always a challenge, we pulled it off, and had a great time. Rob's rehabilitation efforts went better than I expected. He walked on the beach a mile or more every day. Every couple days I would accompany him and we would work on specific aspects of his walking. We'd walk on our tip toes, walk with our knees bent, climb sand hills, walk in the water for resistance, and he even ran. By the end of the trip it was evident to me that the daily walking on the beach was an overwhelming positive experience. It also helped with his transition from his cane. Shortly after he came home, I noticed he wasn't using his cane much - and his walking around the house was improving as a result. It seemed, that at some point, his cane wasn't helping him improve his walking - and that really showed - when he started to reduce his dependance on it. I'm ready to move to Mexico!
  12. kkholt

    Sorting things out!

    By kkholt,

    My Day: I spent better than half the day going through medical bills and insurance EOB's. I'm trying to figure out how much we owe the hospital for Rob's stay last summer after his stroke. Part of his stay was uninsured, part was covered by insurance (that is another story for another day). I've been waiting for two weeks for the hospital to give me the final "total" so we can get this cleared up. That project, easily faded into spending the next couple hours paying bills, balancing checkbooks, and so forth. After a morning like that, I rewarded myself with a lunch of fig newtons, and a dinner of chocolate with blueberry creme. Not a very nutritious day I have to say. The evening ended with a hard decision. I had agreed our 15 year old son could ride with another teenager to a bonfire gathering. Not taking into consideration that it was wet all day, the weather clearing, and the temperature was dropping. All conditions for potentially very slick roads. After he left, my husband and the father of another of the children in the car decided it may not be the best decision for the kids to be on the roads. So, I had to go pick the boys up, and likely he was totally humilated. I explained some decision we make as a parent, are purely for our concern for his safety, and not for his happiness.
  13. kkholt

    Not one, but two!

    By kkholt,

    I finally found not one, but TWO two-piece bathing suits that fit. Being from Alaska we don't spend a lot of time in a bathing suit except for the occasional summer swim and the even less frequent warm weather holiday. So the bathing suit search over the past several months has been extensive and exhausting. All shopping has been achieved through mail order - as the closest store that might have a couple suits is over a hundred miles away. I would likely find upon making the 100 mile trek, a selection of suits, in sizes that most people can't wear, something like a size 4, petite. Not something a born and raised mature Alaskan girl can fit in to. Ask any Alaskan, we beef up in the winter, needing the extra fat for warmth. The exhaustive search came to an end last night - as I took my packages into the bathroom, and closed the door, for total privacy. My husband could not understand why I can dash in to use the bathroom on several occasions, to hurried to be bothered to close the door. But when it came time to try on a bathing suit, the curtains are drawn, the door is shut, and locked. Everybody is asked to leave the house. Like many women, one size suit doesn't fit my whole body. However I'm too cheap to buy the separates, $20 is my price range for a bathing suit - top and bottom. Thus, I have to compromise and one part of the suit will be a bit loose. As a result there is no way these suits will ever withstand any ocean water resistance, they are soley for tanning purposes. And so my search ends.
  14. kkholt

    Final Gifts!

    By kkholt,

    We lost a dear friend today. We all have those second mom's in our lives, the moms of our best friends who we build strong relationships with. Rob lost his second mom today. She has been suffering from cancer. She was diagnosed less than a year ago, and she lost the battle this morning. She had seven kids, and when ever I saw Rob come in to her presence, there was no doubt he was considered as number eight in her eyes. They adored each other. When Rob had his stroke, she visited him in the hospital. As he was getting out of the hospital she was admitted and he visited her. When she first visited him, she sat by his bed, when he visited her, she wanted him to stand from his wheelchair by her bed. They were bonding, she getting sicker, he getting better. They knew their roles. Towards the end of her illness, she had a lot of discomfort. Losing her is hard, however there is some ease knowing she is no longer in pain.
  15. kkholt
    We purchased our tickets for a March 2006 Mexico vacation and paid for accommodations before Rob had his stroke last August. As the pieces were falling together in the hospital, it did cross my mind whether we would be able to make our trip. I had a vision of me trying to push Rob in his wheelchair in the sand and it wasn't a very pretty vision. It is an important trip for me, I'm meeting my three sisters a best friend and all their husbands there. We haven't been all together since my Mom passed away 4 1/2 years ago.
     
    Within a week of leaving the hospital Rob was learning to walk with a cane, and I knew we would be able to go on our planned vacation. I soon thereafter sent the e-mail addressing the thought that my family was probably very quietly wondering - that yes it was our intention to meet them in Mexico. I got a couple sigh of relief replies. Nobody had even dared speak of their concern. So here I am, digging out the bathing suits. While it's 30 below out, I'm inside racking my brain, trying to remember where I last saw my tevas. Vowing to lose ten pounds in 4 weeks. Not sure how successful that will be as I just polished off a couple chocolate chip cookies. Thank goodness fat looks better when it's tan.
  16. kkholt

    Why Me?

    By kkholt,

    We were talking this morning about the question; why me? If you were walking along the street and found a bag full of money, would you ask the question; why me? If you end up with a puppy that grows up into a terrible bird dog, do you ask the question; why me? We all have good fortune and bad fortune - the answer to both is the same. We just don't question the good fortune we have.
  17. kkholt
    Rat poison. That's what Rob told me coumadin was. He hates taking it, you can tell by the scowl on his face and his demeaner when he talks about it. He is on the count down, to seeing the end of this medicine. A week and a half is all he has left and then he is done.
     
    Ending coumadin. It's a positive feeling when I think about it. It means that we are at the end of the treatment in an effort to prevent Rob from having another stroke, from his PFO. More healing. More progress.
  18. kkholt

    Still snowing

    By kkholt,

    It's April 21st and we're still getting snow on and off. It doesn't stick, but it is amazing to still see it flying around. No early spring this year. The pilots that use the strip outside our house appreciate that - as it means they can run their planes on skis longer, accessing the wilderness areas that are still covered in snow. Rob isn't flying since his stroke, and I've noticed my infatuation with the airplanes on the little strip our house sits on has dimmed... Haven't thought too much about why. These little Alaskan bush planes have always been in my heart, and regardless if Rob flies ever again, they always will be. While the pilots appreciate the late spring I continue to look at any visible dirt (not much) to see for any activity. I have one little flower box so close to the the eves of the house, that it is now uncovered. It gets good sun, but only water that I provide - every few days I've been peeking into the box to see for any signs of my dalphiniums. Nothing yet.
  19. kkholt

    Princess Little Feet

    By kkholt,

    Rob stopped to get some papers from my sister last night - and she sent me a present home with him. She stuck a pair of shoes in a bag that were a tiny bit too small for her, that she had gotten at Lands End, that she just didn't feel like returning. She addressed the note to "Princess Little Feet" since my feet are just a tad smaller than her. What a score!
     
    Okay now Sandy - this comment is for you. Hold on lady. We live in a very small home, and my shoes were irritating my husband... all over the entry way. So one day, he took all my shoes/boots in the entry way, and put them in a box, and put them in the shed because he thought I wasn't wearing them. I was horrified.
     
    I'm trying to keep my luggage down to one backpack and only taking four pair of shoes to Mexico this year...
  20. kkholt

    So good to be home

    By kkholt,

    My conference got over about an hour earlier than expected on Wednesday, this gave me the opportunity to catch an earlier flight to Seattle and then go standby home. Took me three flights to get on standby, and I got home five hours earlier than scheduled. This was a huge relief because making the 2 1/2 hour drive in the wee early morning hours wasn't something that I was looking forward to and I was pretty excited to get home by 10:00 PM. Rob greeted me with a bottle of red wine, home made chocolate covered strawberries and roses placed strategically from the front door, all the way to the bedroom. I think he missed me
     
    We went to meet friends for a get-together out on the river last night, and decided to ride our bikes. We have to travel on a narrow bridge probably about 3' wide and several hundred feet long. On the way there this presented a challenge for Rob and I could tell he was a bit angry about it. The great thing about this was he was able to get the hang of it on the way back. I knew he could do it.
     
    It has been hot, I'm catching a cold, and recovering from my travels. It feels good for us all to be home, and things getting into place.
  21. kkholt
    I just read a post by vanillamoon - and it gave me a reminder of why I'm here and how valuable this site is. She described a stroke (she as survivor) as "an earthquake in her head". I can relate to that analogy, being from Alaska and experiencing more earthquakes than I can count over the past 40+ years (including the 9.2 in 1964). Her description really got my attention, and gave me shivers - it was just a little wake up call and reminder of how it must be for my husband. Being able to consider how things are "on the other side of the fence" really is important for a successful survivor and caregiver relationship. Thanks for the analagy VM, it is truly appreciated. Now I have to go give my husband a hug and tell him how important he is to me......
  22. kkholt
    We're done with constraint therapy for a bit. Rob was suppose to have his cast removed Tuesday - and just couldn't wait. He took it off himself on Monday. I can't really get it out of him how he managed to get it off. He said he used a grinder (which I know he has several of different sizes). That may be a story I never know.
     
    Every day he had his cast on, he improved with his right arm, and his attitude got worse. By Sunday I had never in 26 years of hanging out with him, ever saw him that grumpy. Owee he was miserable.
     
    During his CT I saw improvement in his right arm - I just don't know if the improvement was enough for him to sacrifice his limited mobility. He has moved through his rehab like a D-8 Cat - and learned to do so much with one arm and hand. So much that his left arm looks like popeye's leaving the right arm far behind. Putting a cast on his left arm pushed him right off his D-8, and he didn't take it well.
     
    I look forward to hearing what his OT says when she measures his progress tomorrow.