kkholt

Hi Mel,

It is normal for daughters and moms to not get along - at some point the house is too small for more than one woman. My poor mom had four daughters (in five years). And every single one of us - although we may have given our mom fits when we were teenagers, we came back and had great friendships with her. The difficulties with your daughter are likely only temporary - as girls often come back to their moms. My sister has one daughter who just turned 21 and the girl calls her mom almost every day - she said as soon as her girls went to college, all of a sudden they needed their mom a lot more emotionally then they did while they lived at home.

Mel - I loved your meditation piece. I'm going to keep that one.

-Karen

Hi Rich,

Ruth has a good point about the TPA and our experience was similar. When my husband had his stroke he was rushed to the hospital via airplane because the local medics knew about the tpa timeframe. He made it to the hospital easily within an hour of his first symptoms. When I got there they had done all the tests, and I asked about the TPA - we were still well within the three hour window. I remember the Dr looking at the clock, and seeming uneasy, he stated that he had seen some bad outcomes from TPA. My husband is young (47 at the time of his stroke) healthy and very fit. Had we been given the TPA option, I believe we would have allowed the administration. It took me a long time to accept that we weren't given this option. I'll explain how it helped that I got over it. While in the rehab unit of the hospital, in another room was a girl who was just over 30 who had a stroke for the same reason my husband did (PFO). She had her stroke just a few days before my husband did. She went to a smaller hospital when she had her stroke and was given TPA. My husband and she were in rehab together for several weeks, she was younger and had TPA. They both had similar strokes (opposite sides of the brain, but in same area). My husbands recovery without TPA has been much faster. It is hard not to compare, and I did notice my husbands recovery seemed to be progressing faster than hers. When we saw her four months later (both were getting their PFO's closed) she was still very dependant on her wheelchair; we had gotten rid of my husbands by then. It was impossible to tell if the TPA helped her or not. I almost think we expected the TPA to cause the stroke to present itself like a TIA. If that is the expectations, it didn't happen with the girl that got it. It seems that it might be really hard to measure acceptable expectations from TPA administation.

-Karen

What about social security? Where does that factor into this?

-Karen

Jean - that's perfect! I've already decided it is going to be really inconvenient for me - to try and keep my clothes away from him. But honestly it will be so worth it since his washing them can do such damage. I remember having a brand new sweater a couple years a go, that was shrunk to the size of 6X. He is just such a busy guy and doing laundry is sometimes just a part of his day.....

Robyn we are actually farther north than Palmer, we're in Talkeetna - likely you stopped here on your way to Denali.....

-Karen

I do have a separate hamper - he still pulls clothes from it. Maybe I need to get a hamper that I can actually put a lock on. He really thinks he is helping me - or he isn't thinking at all. He is just trying to get the laundry done and could care less about any associated details...... You are all helping me to really come to the conculsion I'm going to have to work really hard keeping my clothes out of his circle of influence - because I don't have any faith he will change, and I should just quit expecting it.

Robyn - we're a bit North of Anchorage and are getting up to about 55 degrees in the heat of the day - it is freezing at night now.

Thanks all!

-Karen

Sue - are you taking Ray to the nutritionist because he is a diabetic?

-Karen

I love your poem Ellen!

And very happy for Denny who learned a new one-handed skill, bravo.

-Karen

Tina,

It is amazing what smells and sounds make us remember. Fall is too our favorite time of the year. We have a berry here - high bush cranberries, that smell like dirty socks. It is such a familar smell to me.... and I love it.

-Karen

Heather -- It's a long road.

Big Hug!

-Karen

Hi,

Glad you are feeling better.

-Karen

Some how Jean.... I just suspected you had been nominated before Don's stroke.

I have a couple of really good friends, who we all know each others husbands well - and can truely appreciate when our husbands do something that wouldn't be admired by other women Which we can giggle about.

Yes, like Don, Rob was in the "Lucky husbands club" for quite a few months, and he did appreciate that. He now has enough independance and enough disability today - that I have to be extra careful not to get him voted into the "Husband of ungrateful wifes club".......

-Karen

Ann,

Rob didn't laugh for a month after his stroke. This was very hard for me, as he and I both laugh a lot. In the hospital we had one episode we both will never forget where we both laughed really hard about something he said about the cauliflower in his soup.

He still doesn't laugh as much as he used to, but much more than he did the first month.

I wish there was an answer to the alternative to private insurance - man it's frustrating.

Take care Ann.

-Karen

Robyn,

It's curious that Jane said she doesn't think about you, however she still took the time to call you at the prearranged time.....

I'm wondering if she isn't taking her anger about the stroke out on you.

As an outsider who only has a small picture from your view - I still can't help but hope you two can at least have the opportunity to talk again in a while, so that at a minimum both of you can put your anger into positive places.

I just can't understand what positive aspect she was expecting was going to come from her not allowing you to talk to her for 30 days. What was the point of that? Was she just delaying the break up?

I'm hoping you heal, and feel better every day!

-Karen

Oh my gosh Ann, is it a possibility to find out from your insurance company what skilled nursing facility in your area is considered in-network. If there isn't one, then the insurance company usually pays the network % of reasonable and customary rates.

Another resource may be your States insurance commissioner.

Make sure you read a copy of your policy - and do not trust the customer service representatives at your insurance company, they may not have the correct information (in the computer) in front of them......

Insurance companies can be just down right wicked!

Hope it works out for you and Bill.

-Karen

Hi Annie - we too had a hospitalist that was especially present the first few days afer Rob's stroke - before Rob moved into Rehab. I didn't like him. Maybe he had too many patients, and that compromised his ability to provide quality care. He had the attitude it was okay to not know why a 47 year old man that is in excellent health - doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, very active - would have a stroke. That was very frustrating to me. I work at a medical facility and as a result understand how much people need to be involved in their care, and not to assume anything.

Things in the hospital rarely ran perfectly -- and I was there as his caregiver to make sure that Rob didn't fall through the cracks too far.

My head was spinning after readying your blog - I feel for you.

-Karen

Hi Robyn,

My experience with the physicians and therapist around Rob in the hospital and today, were and are careful not to give very high expectations. His rehab doctor told us he expected he only had a 20% chance of using his right arm/hand. Not sure what he ment by that, but although he has very little function, has good movement (this helps to prevent pain). The same physican told Rob (according to his memory) that he will never fly again. I am just not familar enough with strokes - but am curious that a doctor would tell a patient to expect a complete and total 100% recovery. Those are very high expectations. So I wonder how you will feel about it, if she doesn't make a full recovery after having been given the expectations that she will.

-Karen

Jean -

I have a little rule - that am only allowed three things to b**** about. I also try to get Rob to abide by my three-item rule, because he can be quite a nag. Long ago I realized we were going to get along much better if I quit complaining that he didn't fold the towels the way that I did, and that he didn't put the dishes away where I wanted them......... and the list can go on. However him doing my laundry, costs me extra money, when I have to buy new clothes then that issue is just a bit harder to let go. The funny thing is, that I'm quite a messy person and easily leave my shoes in the middle of the entry way, don't rinse out the sink after I brush my teeth, and that list goes on......numerous things that he takes issue with. So we pick our battles, and we let some go, and it has worked for 25 years because we have lots of smiles, laughter, compassion, respect, love, and we rarely stay mad about things more than about 15-20 minutes, then it's gone..... It's so much easier to get along when you just let 90% of those petty little things, go by, in the big scheme of things, they really aren't that important. I guess when those petty things are bothering me, that is sign, things are well settled in my life, and that is a good thing.

IRONING? Oh my gosh Sue, do you iron?

Isn't there any way you could purchase things that don't need to be ironed?

I guess I live in a world of synthetics...... and wrinkles.

We have a saying here, that cotton kills - and we don't have to iron wool.

-Karen

Robyn - sounds like you have a good plan.

I'm thinking when you call her, if you do talk to her, try to keep the focus on her..... In the same context, rather than telling her how you are feeling about what is going on, ask her about how things are going for her. Rob was very self-centered for many months after his stroke - - just remember it may be that way for her.

Rob was highly sensitive to his family asking him "if he could do so and so.....". He said it always felt (feels) like parlor tricks when people ask if he can move something or do something. So be careful with those kinds of detailed questions. He didn't like his family asking him what he did in therapy because it seemed he felt they were judging or being critical (that was his issue, not theirs). He was/is hyper-sensitive to their queries.

He can talk to me about these details - and is eager to do so, he just can't have that kind of relationship with his family. One thing that seemed to help was I could point out details of his improvements that he couldn't -- it helped keep him positive with the gains that often seem so small day-to-day, but when you look at it in weeks and months, they are huge.

Hope it goes well Robyn - good luck.

-Karen

Hi Deenie - check this site for taxidermy appraisals. It appears the value has a lot to do with how much it would cost to replace the trophy. I thought it was funny that they have appraisals for divorice and appraisals for insurance.

http://www.taxidermyappraisals.com/

Jean - I do believe that Don and Rob would have enjoyed being in the field together - both having appreciation for high ethical standards, in search of an experience they value.

-Karen

It's nice to have the choice, isn't it?

-Karen

Hi Hpoirier,

You've got a "new you" to get to know. Be easy and gentle, look for the things you like in the new you and focus on them. It's hard not to look back at what you lost, but honestly it isn't very productive to stay there long. Appreciate that you are alive - and what you have, it could be worse.

It was the toughest time in my life, ever, grieving for a person who hadn't died. The practice of talking about or writting about my feelings that seemed so ugly and uncomfortable, really seemed to make them easier to deal with and eventually go away.

Take Care!

-Karen

Kristen,

I gave up caring about our house decor, a long, long, time ago. Rob being an artist, has very definite ideas about what he wants to live around. He made fun of me years ago, about me buying a piece of art in a waterbed store before we started dating.... He never lets me forget that.

Our house has a very masculine decor with hunting trophies on the walls, lots of animal parts, bones, skulls, bird parts..... He loves these things around him.... I could care less. It's not a battle I'm going to take on.

One time in an effort to assert my feminity, for our bed, I purchased sheets with pink flowers and a matching comforter.... needless to say, it just didn't feel right, and has since been replaced.

I think the couples that get along best in these situations are the ones, where one just doesn't care.....

Good luck Kristen --

-Karen

The local women in the club - are serious, avid readers. They likely see some of us as ones who wouldn't take things as seriously as they do, and thus, no invitation.

I'm looking forward to selection day!

Hi AJ,

It would be great if you shared with us some of the tools you and AC come up with to help you. Rob and I were chuckling the other day, we determined since his stroke it is very hard for him to make appointments at all, much less make them on time. He has to work really hard at that. I'd love to see the tools you use that will help with cognitive issues.

-Karen