kkholt

My conference got over about an hour earlier than expected on Wednesday, this gave me the opportunity to catch an earlier flight to Seattle and then go standby home. Took me three flights to get on standby, and I got home five hours earlier than scheduled. This was a huge relief because making the 2 1/2 hour drive in the wee early morning hours wasn't something that I was looking forward to and I was pretty excited to get home by 10:00 PM. Rob greeted me with a bottle of red wine, home made chocolate covered strawberries and roses placed strategically from the front door, all the way to the bedroom. I think he missed me We went to meet friends for a get-together out on the river last night, and decided to ride our bikes. We have to travel on a narrow bridge probably about 3' wide and several hundred feet long. On the way there this presented a challenge for Rob and I could tell he was a bit angry about it. The great thing about this was he was able to get the hang of it on the way back. I knew he could do it. It has been hot, I'm catching a cold, and recovering from my travels. It feels good for us all to be home, and things getting into place.

T, I wondered myself how he did it.... You can see in the picture his guide wouldn't leave his side, and they wouldn't let him pack it more than a couple hundred yards. That is pretty much how he has dealt with this diversity - he tends to over-compensate with his left side for right side weakness. I'm just waiting for him to do one-handed push ups because he wants to do a push up so bad...... Sure humbles me when I see some of the things he does. -Karen

Rob got back from Kodiak two days before I had to leave on a business trip. We had so much to talk about in that short time, and we both hated that I had to go. I can't believe how much his walking improved in six weeks. He looked so much stronger, and was putting a lot more weight on his right leg. His gait was faster when he walked. I could tell he has picked up what might be considered "survival" habits in his walking. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to tell yourself stuff like, keep your hip forward, bend your knee, keep your foot straight, don't drag your toe..... all to take one step. His walking has surpassed the point that I can help him anymore.... Now he needs his PT to fine tune things, and help with the limp. While he was gone he wasn't able to exercise his arm/hand. He was amazed when he went to work out on his exercise equipment of how much he lost. A true test to use it or lose it. I had the day after he got home off - and we had a lazy day. We walked over to look at his airplane, and he climbed in. I just stood there, to be of help in case he needed it, but it actually went quite well. He is so strong with his left side.... he really compensates for what he has lost on the right. When he was sitting in his plane he showed me how he needed to be able to "dance" on his rudder pedals with both feet - and how he could modify the throttle so he could use it with his right hand. He showed me how he needed to be able to work the "stick" quickly when he his landing. I took a picture of him, sitting in his plane, looking happy. I think he still wants to sell it, because he knows it will be a while before he will be able to fly. I was thinking about what it ment to Rob to put that pack on his back this Spring. In his profession, a guide earns respect from his client in many ways. Often hunters may believe they don't need a guide, and only do because the state law requires they hire a guide, for the animal they wish to pursue, and they don't believe they really need the guide. After the game is taken, and the pack is loaded, a guide often gets a tremendous amount of respect when the client tries to even "move" the pack. This usually happens after the guide has made the long pack back to the beach in and out of the boat - and the hunter will just try to be helpful to move the pack out of the way..... and find they can't even budge it. Putting this pack on his back must have been a important step for Rob - perhaps in believing that he can guide again. Putting this pack on his back was a lot bigger than the fact that there are people that never had a stroke that couldn't do it -- it must have been so much more than that for him.

Hi Sheila, There are quite a few resources on the web and on this site about SS disability - perhaps there are some information out there to help you. If you haven't been denied, perhaps no news is good news. It took us seven months to hear anything about Rob's application - and then it was through a deposit in our bank account, no letter, no nothing. It was kind of strange to get a check, before we received any written notification. Keep your chin up Sheila. -karen

Well done Pam, I love it! -Karen

Here Here Sue.... I find it interesting how so many of us move through these circles with similar thoughts, and feelings. I dare to bare my soul here sometimes -- it's scary, yet therapeutic. I had a friend today explain that to her, a relationship was like a bank account. Sometimes we invest sometimes we withdraw. I see the same going on here. -Karen

Sue - so glad you connected with your friends. What a great gift to yourself. I've always had girlfriends, some casual, some work-related, and a couple that have been friends for over 20 years. (Even one from high school) I also have my sisters who are great people to laugh with. -Karen

Hey Sue, Humor is so important - it is an essential component to many peoples life. Mine included. Reading your blog reminds me of my parent-teacher conferences when over the years my sons teachers disclose the areas he needs to work on, the weaknesses that I as a parent already know. It always comes with a twinge in my stomach. Information that I don't like to hear, that I already know, that I'm not sure what to do with, or where to go with it. -Karen

Rob called tonight on his sat phone - he is still in the field - trying to assist with what he can. He has lots of help. His being in camp may be a bittersweet feeling - the obvious of what he can't do stares him in the face daily and the things he wants to do so badly, he has an opportunity to try. He wanted to tell me that he carried a pack today for a few hundred yards that weighed probably over 120 pounds. I asked him how it felt, and he said "just like getting out of my wheelchair". He thought it may have "looked" funny as he struggled with his gait - I could tell that it didn't matter how he did it, just the fact he did it was so important. He really needed to suceed at something physically he wanted to try. He said "make sure you tell your strokenet buddies".

You know - that is definitely part of this.... making a new start. Next the dining room table is gonna go....... -Karen

Yesterday I was looking at our 18 year old couch - that I no longer like, and was considering getting rid of it. I was thinking that it was past retirement time - but the thought of how to get rid of it was too much, so that is where it ended. I called home from work today and when my son answered the phone he informed me he was outside cleaning the couch cushions because the dog had puked on them. What a score. I told him that if he could haul the couch out the door without scratching the floor - to go for it.... and then he didn't have to clean the couch. So the couch is out of the house - and half way to it's future home..... where ever that might be.

Is this a new habit since your stroke of letting your piles of stuff get out of control? I would be curious to know. Before his stroke my husband was very efficient about keeping a few areas of the house clean - it was like his pet peeve. He always kept the entry way tidy, and that ment sweeping and mopping our tile floor often. He also was the "dishwasher" and not too bad about cleaning up after himself when he cooked. Well that was all before stroke because he doesn't do any of it now, and I can't figure out if it is because he doesn't notice it needs to be done or it doesn't bother him..... or it is too difficult to do it one handed. I've tried asking him but he kind of looks at me like he doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about - as though he doesn't even see there is a change in his attitude toward cleaning...... -Karen

Well written, I thoroughly enjoyed your blog. You can hand out the smiley icons at the door. -Karen

Kim, I had a "deal" with Rob in those first few weeks. He had to first try to do the task himself before he asked me. It was my "deal" not his. This was of course within reason and never intended to compromise his safety. Maybe trying what Sue did will help, do you have a bus stop close by to go sit at? My icons don't work.... so I have to give you a written hug....... Karen

Mema, The lobelia baskets downtown Anchorage are a true sight. The city has made a lot of nice improvements over the years, and in that particular section they put in these beautiful plant hangar posts, and hang these gorgeous baskets on them every year. I didn't realize this was something particular to Alaska but know there are classes on how to make those flower baskets. It's quite a site. I keep myself to only two houseplants and they are smack in the middle of my window that gets the best light. Also common to Alaska are frequent power outages, which are very hard on house plants. My mom used to winter her baskets at a nursery - I myself am content to just rebuild each year. It is fun, and seems cheaper. If you want to see what the Alaska daylight does to plants check out our state fair website. -Karen http://www.alaskastatefair.org/2004/specia...antcabbage.html

Hi Ann, I wanted to share something about the extra weight concern - and my related experience. When I have some extra pounds that I need to take off and have found when I'm at that point, I feel really icky about myself -- and it has the opportunity to seep out and affect my relationships with my family (especially my husband). My husband no longer address my extra weight through an appearance issue but as his genuine concern for my health. That helped us tremendously. Another avenue that works for me is weight watchers. I'm an avid fan. The program requires a lot of accountability to your friends/members. It's a pretty sad life that I will let myself down, but not my friends...... If you are feeling better about yourself - some of the other issues may be easier to cope with. (p.s. - I have a sister in law who carries some extra weight - maybe as much as 20 lbs or so. She exercises faithfully every day. What is so interesting is even though she is carry extra weight, she is incredibly healthy. Her BP is perfect, her glucose is perfect, her heart rate is great, her blood work is great... she really is a testimony to what exercise can do for people.... course I've not followed her lead.) Take care Ann. -Karen

All the flowers that I am not familar with in your posts, I checked out on the internet - and fell in love with them too. I was born and raised here in Alaska and am not familar with some of the normal flowers in the lower 48, our growing season and ability to winter-over is very different. So, one day I saw a packet of flowers in the store, and fell in love with the flowers - they were morning glories - and I decided to give them a try. A co-worker said they grow like a weed where she grew up, and could be rather pesky. I had to grow them inside and was so proud of my morning glories, that she throught were a pesky weed. Just goes to show one persons trash is another persons treasure.

Thank you for telling me about your flowers.... it just makes me grin from ear to ear and feel so good when I read about them. -Karen

I need a break from my self-centered stroke-related world.... and wanted to think about something different. Here in Alaska we're quite a bit behind most of the lower-48 states in weather, still battling snow in my yard but.... I'm now just starting to think about plants and flowers - and am thinking about my five top favorite plants that will be soon growing in my yard, and they are: Rhubarb (beautiful and edible) Dalphiniums Columbine Wild Iris' Jacobs Ladder Daisys (all kinds) (sorry I couldn't keep it to five) Share your favorite plants or flowers ----

Sheila, Reading your blog(s) seems you are on the mend

Sue, Such good news! I hope you have plans that allow you to regenerate while Ray is at camp. You took me by surprise when you talked about an autumn day -- and I had to think a minute to remember you're on the other side of the world. Fall in March just doesn't compute Take care sue. -Karen

I don't know what the problem is, (possibly operator error), but I've lost three postings in the last few days before they are finished. They haven't been in any particular area (forums and blogs). I may just have to resort to using word and cutting and pasting. I've seen others complain about this, and it wasn't until just recently that I've had the experience. Hmmmmmm....

Thanks ladies! Thinking about this, I realized that Rob doesn't even recognize his cognitive gains since his stroke. Which have been tremendous. When he sees me struggling emotionally, and knows I'm seeking professional help, he responds kind of numb to it. How do I know the line between what he cannot do, versus what is a part of the grief process for him? Seems the most important thing for me is to accept that he isn't the same person he was on August 12, 2005. The caregiver bill of rights - from the stroke foundations states that a survivor needs to be treated by their caregiver like they are going to recover completely; while the letter from your brain states "I need you to accept me as I am today... not for what I used to be, or what I might be in the future".