kkholt

In the case of my brother-in-law, and his father (my father-in-law) who have a seriously dysfunctional relationship - the son in this instance can not quit insisting on what his father is incapable (or unwilling) of giving. Its pretty unfortunate but I don't see it changing for them. -Karen p.s. forgive me if I have aided with any hijacking, I'll go now.....

Am so glad to hear how well your father is doing. Having the option to operate and remove his lung is good news. Take Care! -Karen

I'm pushing hard through some emotional issues currently - and what is the hardest is I'm not sure how much I have to do this alone, or with Rob. We've always worked through our issues together, however I'm not sure about his capacity any more. It seems he thinks he is no different than before his stroke, other than the obvious physical ones. He has very lightly hinted that any concerns I have are a matter of convenience for my own behavior. Whew, not sure what to do with that one!

Hi Sandy, Your blog with Article is fantastic. I can't join the ranks of people with toxic mothers. She could be bossy, and perhaps a bit aloof sometimes, but not toxic. She certainly wasn't self-centered when it came to her children. I always describe my parents as having a dysfunctional relationship (separated when I was 14) so I can join the group of those who describe their families as dysfunctional. And I'll save that for another chapter. Great blog and most helpful article. Thanks! -Karen

Hi Janice, I'm a Mac user too. The only problem I have is most of the clicable smilies don't work for me.... so I have to describe them. I use Netscape to access the site - wonder if the browser makes a difference in your ability to blog or not? -Karen

You know. I just found out that the original Medicare Act required that all States have a Medicare QA contract that has a "plan" for each State - AND that this sort of thing is what I understand they would investigate. Course I don't have any idea of how to find more out about this... and I'm a bit too tired to go digging around on the web. Just thought it might be of interest that there may be a place to go with this. -Karen

Wow I'm a Sr Member. And all because I go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.... I get a title with a Sr in it. Yee Haw! I like it!

This is kind of funny Suzie - And I thought it was just the kids who had a hard time engaging after spring break! That must be the hardest time for everybody. -Karen

Wow - you're on the move. Yeah German food is good, but German beer is better! So do you bring interesting gifts home for your family from all these exotic places? -Karen

Hi Sue, Reading your post, it almost feels like some of the things of your day were so positive however, unusual, and that you need time to process, reflect and figure out what happened and why...... Your post made me feel warm and fuzzy -Karen

Oh Kim - it sounds like you really do appreciate your Mom. It's unfortunate she didn't see the humor in your jeopardy joke Reading this, makes me miss my Mom. Yes, yes, do call her, she'll love it! -Karen

I'm struggling with the decision on whether to stay at my job or not. The con associated with my job that is causing me to want to leave is the supervision responsibility. I only have three staff members that work in my department but I am totally through with being a supervisor. I am done being a professional "caregiver". I no longer want to assist with their professional development, and I have always hated to train. I'm done being responsible for anybody else's work besides mine. I'm done working twice as many hours as I get paid for. It is likely these feelings are associated with the new aspects in my personal life of being a caregiver. I love being a caregiver to my family, my husband in particular, and my rewards and payment come in the form of his physical gains, our emotional gains. I don't have the resources to do this at home and at work both. I feel like I'm giving up - the feeling of defeat - acceptance - resolution. Whatever word is used to make it palateable. I feel like I need the energy at home to deal with the associated emotional battles. My delima is, that if I leave the job, I leave a lot of good money, I leave our health insurance. Finding a job in this community with health insurance is near impossible, and I would have to immediately find new work, where all my time was spent paying for a private health insurance plan.

It's April 21st and we're still getting snow on and off. It doesn't stick, but it is amazing to still see it flying around. No early spring this year. The pilots that use the strip outside our house appreciate that - as it means they can run their planes on skis longer, accessing the wilderness areas that are still covered in snow. Rob isn't flying since his stroke, and I've noticed my infatuation with the airplanes on the little strip our house sits on has dimmed... Haven't thought too much about why. These little Alaskan bush planes have always been in my heart, and regardless if Rob flies ever again, they always will be. While the pilots appreciate the late spring I continue to look at any visible dirt (not much) to see for any activity. I have one little flower box so close to the the eves of the house, that it is now uncovered. It gets good sun, but only water that I provide - every few days I've been peeking into the box to see for any signs of my dalphiniums. Nothing yet.

My husband is a walking reminder of grief for my old life! As we move through this process, trying to resolve things, we often says "I want the stroke to go away". On my way to getting there - I'm finding this to be one of the hardest situations in my life ever. I've lost a sibling, lost my mom to a terminal illness four years ago, recently lost my dad to a sudden accident..... and the grief associated with my husbands stroke is no comparison to any previous grief I have embraced. It's not even close. As I examine this, it comes to mind that every time I see him limping around the house; look at things undone that he used to take care of and that are now my responsibility; the challenge of dealing with an adolescent has become primarily my concern.... these are all constant reminders of the loss and changes in our lives. I struggle with a new life where my husband can no longer protect me physically, something that I dearly valued. He was tall, strong, and a big presence. He now struggles not to fall and take care of himself. I can't change the hand that was dealt me, I can only change my response to it. I've never in my life ever wanted to run away more than I do now. I'm an avoider by nature - I can avoid dealing with my feelings about my parents deaths.... The stroke situation I can't avoid - and it's really weighing pretty heavy on me. I'm going to go get some help. I can't help but think of an analogy that makes me smile. We have always owned working dogs (retrievers and bird dogs). Teaching a dog to "hold" a bird in their mouth is a challenge. You can't have them dropping it, or chewing it. They must be taught to hold the bird until you ask for it. The training starts with a dowl or stick or something that you put in their mouth, use your hands to close their mouth around the dowl, and tell them to hold. As soon as you take your hand a way, they always drop the dowl. This goes back and forth, back and forth.... until the dog accepts that nothing is going to change for them, and they have to hold the dowl until you ask for it. It's funny thinking about the dog continue to spit out the dowl and the trainer puts it back in... over and over and over again. That is kind of how I feel in regards to the stroke. I spit it out, go about my day, and very soon run into a situation that shoves the stroke back in my mouth..... over and over and over.

Our trip to Mexico was fantastic - and of course over too soon for me! Traveling with extended family is always a challenge, we pulled it off, and had a great time. Rob's rehabilitation efforts went better than I expected. He walked on the beach a mile or more every day. Every couple days I would accompany him and we would work on specific aspects of his walking. We'd walk on our tip toes, walk with our knees bent, climb sand hills, walk in the water for resistance, and he even ran. By the end of the trip it was evident to me that the daily walking on the beach was an overwhelming positive experience. It also helped with his transition from his cane. Shortly after he came home, I noticed he wasn't using his cane much - and his walking around the house was improving as a result. It seemed, that at some point, his cane wasn't helping him improve his walking - and that really showed - when he started to reduce his dependance on it. I'm ready to move to Mexico!

Every movement is movement to move from. -Karen

Rob stopped to get some papers from my sister last night - and she sent me a present home with him. She stuck a pair of shoes in a bag that were a tiny bit too small for her, that she had gotten at Lands End, that she just didn't feel like returning. She addressed the note to "Princess Little Feet" since my feet are just a tad smaller than her. What a score! Okay now Sandy - this comment is for you. Hold on lady. We live in a very small home, and my shoes were irritating my husband... all over the entry way. So one day, he took all my shoes/boots in the entry way, and put them in a box, and put them in the shed because he thought I wasn't wearing them. I was horrified. I'm trying to keep my luggage down to one backpack and only taking four pair of shoes to Mexico this year...

Dogs being such creatures of habit will quickly teach you their escape route. I kept repairing our dog kennel with chicken wire, trying to stay ahead of the escape artist. Because the wire that I used to attach the repair hurt my hands so bad, I started to use those really strong plastic tie wraps..... Until I saw the dog had learned how to bite and snap them. It's amazing what these animals can do.

My Day: I spent better than half the day going through medical bills and insurance EOB's. I'm trying to figure out how much we owe the hospital for Rob's stay last summer after his stroke. Part of his stay was uninsured, part was covered by insurance (that is another story for another day). I've been waiting for two weeks for the hospital to give me the final "total" so we can get this cleared up. That project, easily faded into spending the next couple hours paying bills, balancing checkbooks, and so forth. After a morning like that, I rewarded myself with a lunch of fig newtons, and a dinner of chocolate with blueberry creme. Not a very nutritious day I have to say. The evening ended with a hard decision. I had agreed our 15 year old son could ride with another teenager to a bonfire gathering. Not taking into consideration that it was wet all day, the weather clearing, and the temperature was dropping. All conditions for potentially very slick roads. After he left, my husband and the father of another of the children in the car decided it may not be the best decision for the kids to be on the roads. So, I had to go pick the boys up, and likely he was totally humilated. I explained some decision we make as a parent, are purely for our concern for his safety, and not for his happiness.

Hi Kristin, Sounds like your GM has an attendance problem to me. Although all reasons for being out are legit, we all have a responsbility to be at work as to not let others continue to carry the load. Continual absenses regardless of the reason would lead me to believe disciplinary action may be in order... and your GM's boss may not be addressing what he/she needs to. Sounds to me like you are not losing the rat race, but coping quite well. I just love those lazy days that are so necessary for regeneration.... -Karen

Hi Amy, My relationship with vacuumes is slowly ending as we are strategically replacing all the carpet in our house with wood floors. We've only got one room left, our sons bedroom, with carpet. The rest is tile and wood - and is so easy to keep clean (or ignore because the dirt just doesn't show as bad). Isn't it funny how important some of the little things of life are? Like a vacuume. -Karen

We're going to Mexico!

Yup, I've purchased several pair of shoes on Ebay, a couple pair of Dansko's and a pair of Tevas. Mostly because there is a much better selection on Ebay than I can find here.

I love your blog - AND with Sandy, I share the love for shoes. For some reason my receptors haven't been dimed in my relationship with shoes. My husband calls me Imelda. -Karen

Hi Amy, As my dad got older, he said, age is just a number. Have a great day! -Karen