calendulady

Good Day to Everyone, After I read the Strokenet newsletter today, I was reminded that my blog was sitting stagnant for months. I really have no excuses, except I have been bogged down with email from my newly found brother, my son in Iraq, and his Japanese fiance. Most of my time is split between exercises, and emails. But I became very excited about the prospect of joining the bookclub. My husband is running out to get the book so that I can hopefully finish it by September 15th. Here is an update on my life these days ... First of all, I have been having problems with depression, so I now see a therapist and we are working through my issues. Next, my son is out of Iraq ... he arrived back at his base at Camp Pendleton on August 22! he will officially be discharged on October 5, following 10 years of service in the Marine Corps. He will then return to the apt in Okinawa that he and his fiance shared while he was stationed in Japan. My son and his fiance will be visiting me for 2 weeks in November. They have been planning a Thanksgiving at home since for more than a year. I have to help my husband decorate and furnish my son's old bedroom for their visit. I have never met my future daughter-in-law and I haven't seen my son since he came home for his 18th birthday (he is now 26 - turns 27 on Oct 18). You can imagine my excitement. I turned 50 years old on August 6th --- there was no celebration, no cake or candles --- I received a few beautiful cards and I was very happy with the rather normal day as it passed. I think 50 fits me well. I have some wrinkles - who cares. Of course I could do without the age spots on my hands. But at least I don't feel the need to color my hair, since I have no gray to cover. Oh, I am certain that it won't be long, because I am sure that I have earned some gray hair during this past year. Lastly, I will have a chance to meet my brother Steve (age 55) in November when my husband and I take a quick trip to Florida. This is also very exciting for me, because we have shared so many emails, pictures, etc, I just know that we share so many interests. Enough rambling for now ... Happy day to all! Love, Deb

Hello, d - Initially after my stroke, I spent 5 days in the hospital. During that time I was on a low dose of antidepressant (the same medication I had been taking pre-stroke) and my moods were very steady - I don't think the truth had sunk in. On the 6th day I was wheeled out of the hospital, on my way to in-patient therapy at a rehab hospital about 30 miles from home. That was the first time I cried about the stroke. It hit me like a brick. The depression was overwhelming and I needed some counseling from the clergy in the hospital. My medications changed, increasing the dosage plus adding something for anxiety. I even asked my husband to stay home one weekend, because I just wasn't able to face visitors. But I soon learned that each day was a new start --- some days are good days, other days are not. I was very lucky in the speech department - my only problem is that I have trouble finding the right words so I make some funny substitutions when speaking. Most times, the mood changes may not have anything to do with a specific person or thing or conversation --I think most depression is related to the condition, namely STROKE itself. I pray that as your father's health improves, he will see more light than darkness in his life. Debbie :wub2:

I am really enjoying having the windows open and feeling the breezes blow. The curtains are rustling in the wind and my 2 cats are perched on the chest below the window, mesmerized by the birds singing outside. Soon the nests and the birdhouses beneath the deck rafters will be full of growing families, adding more life to the backyard. What will my contribution be this year? Well, I always enjoy planting a large basket with peppermint and lemon verbena. It makes a great tasting iced tea. And another container needs to be replenished with the best fresh basil and sage plants that I can find. Last, but not least, my husband and I have to start the tomato patch soon. I know that I can't complete the tasks by myself, but that won't keep me from trying to do what I can. I hope everyone is planning their own garden, their own personal growth during this time when we receive the gifts nature shares with us at this time. Debbie :Typing:

Thanks, Fred, for the encouragement. I will tell you that when I first rode the recumbent bike in Physical Therapy, I fell in love with it. I also have 2 herniated discs (lumbar) so I was never able to use gym equipment without experiencing the pain. But the recumbent bike was so much fun, that my Physical Therapist used it as a reward for me if I did well during my hour of therapy. It also made a huge difference in my mood. Have a good day, Fred! Debbie

Today is a big day for me ... about 4 weeks ago my family got together and bought me a recumbent bike. The bike was on sale for a great price, so I had to wait this long until it came back in stock. Hopefully today is the day it will be available for pick-up. My husband has already rearranged a corner of our bedroom to also serve as a new workout area. Now the weights, balls, stretch cords, putty, etc will have a proper place. Up until now, everything seems to be unpaired, scattered where I last used each piece. I have a mirror so that I can watch my form (or as close to form as I can get ). I am so hoping that the aerobic exercise combined with my weights, walking, and cardiac diet will help my push my weight in a downward direction. How could I have gained weight since coming home from rehab? :uhm: I can't figure it out, but it has to stop here. Debbie

I have been mulling over a list of creative things that I would like to do, since I have some free time on my hands. First of all, I reviewed my favorite pre-stroke hobbies: Quilting ... Scrapbooking ... Photography ... Researching / Writing Non-Fiction Articles ... and then there is a another list of new things I wish to learn: Jewelry Making (including metal, gemstones, glass beads, charms) Painting with Watercolors Pottery Yoga Looks like I have to be a bit more creative or alot more patient right now. At this time I am not even safe cutting out coupons from the Sunday paper inserts. So what I am doing now is trying to find some downloadable trial versions of PC games - to challenge my brain and to train my hand. I had never before played a video game before now - and I am already becoming addicted. Until next time, Debbie

I grew up in New England with one sibling, a year younger than me. My mother died in a boating accident in 1974 (age 40) and my Dad died of cancer at age 56. My sister and I haven't been very close - we live 500 miles apart from each other and never seem to keep the family connection strong. So when she made an impromptu visit earlier this month, I shared my panic feelings with you. I basically am intimidated in her presence. My sister arrived and I assumed she came to see me and check out how my recovery was going. She was enthusiastic about my progress (however, she hadn't seen me since the stroke, so I am not sure to what she was comparing her judgement). Now comes the real kicker ... the true motivation for my sister's visit was to inform me that we had 2 half-brothers that neither of us had ever heard of before. These boys were from 2 relationships my Mom apparently had before meeting and marrying our Dad. The brothers are 3 and 5 years older than me. The saddest news was that the younger of the two had started the search upon the death of his adoptive family. He had located the older brother, talked on the phone several times. The 2 men were planning to meet the first week of January. However, the younger brother died of a heart attack on December 26, 2005. My sister received this news in a letter around the beginning of January, but she waited a month to tell me in person, because she didn't want to cause me any stress or pain. How do I feel now knowing that my family has suddenly grown with 2 half-brothers (one deceased), 2 sisters-in-law, and 6 nieces and nephews? I am so happy that they were able to find us. However, I am saddened that my mom was not able to keep us all as a family. And it is also a shame that she hid her secret from everyone. I would like to think had she lived longer she would have confided in my sister and me. It is so amazing how just one letter can impact a life. Debbie

Jean - Thanks for reassuring me. My husband agrees that we need to find someone more knowledgeable and supportive. You're the best! Debbie

The Physical Therapy Re-Evaluation has been completed and the therapist has determined that she really can't help me. My tremors and balance have been interfering with progressing my walking further. I understand that she doesn't want to waste my time and money, but some things she said really hurt me. According to her, my balance and tremors are not consistant with how a stroke affects someone. And then she told my husband that all my symptoms were due to anxiety, because a stroke in the basal ganglia does not cause problems with movement, coordination, and balance. She also told my husband that stroke survivors do not have good days and bad days, so I really need to see a mental health professional, not physical therapy. However, she told me to keep doing my exercises at home and perhaps in 2 weeks I could return to see if I could continue. I left there in tears. I felt I was making progress in baby steps. But then my feelings, pain, struggles were minimized. I don't know about anyone else's recovery, but I would bet that many, if not all of us, have pain, level of fatigue, and emotions that vary day to day. Am I over-reacting to the actions and comments of a professional that appears to know much less about stroke effects than I do - contradicting every medical professional that has treated me in the past 5 months? I guess the main reason I even bother to take the time to question myself is because I HAVE been under alot of stress lately and I do have major depression that is being treated. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Debbie :forgive_me?:

Come one, come all -- there's plenty of buns for everyone. :wub2: Oh, the door key is under the gnome in the garden lol.

**hi** Sue - What a great idea! I have decided to relax downstairs in the loveseat, all wrapped up in an afghan. Instead of the beach, I will focus on a snowy day - I'm sitting in the log cabin, in front of a blazing fire in the old brick fireplace. I'm all alone. The only noise is the crackling of the logs. I'm eating hot cinnamon buns and drinking the best hot chocolate I have ever tasted - whipped cream on top, no marshmallows. This dream goes on and on ... but you get the picture. I would have loved to try the beach scene, but it is a bit chilly in the house. Thanks, again! Debbie :wub2:

If I had a paint brush and an easel, I would paint this day grey. The weather is overcast and damp. The neighbors walking through the court look gloomy, eyes downcast to the cracked pavement. Everyone I see is dressed in black, brown, blue. No one is talking or laughing or sharing. I'm stuck in the bedroom with a lukewarm cup of decaf; the TV plays in the background, but I am numb to the programs or the sound. I've tried to read, but my concentration and comprehension falls prey to my short term memory. I toss the book to the floor with my good hand after attempting to grasp the same words over and over again without success. My husband is frantically :out_of_here: running through the house upstairs and down. I was worried about cleaning house a couple of days ago. Now he has suddenly realized that my sister will visit day after tomorrow. You won't believe it - of all the work that needs to be done, he has chosen to remove the carpet from my office down the hall. We had just started redecorating my home office about a week before the stroke. He had given me a beautiful rustic oak secretary for our 27th wedding anniversary August 12, 2005. The desk and chair are still wrapped in packing material, sitting in the corner of the bedroom. Now he has suddenly decided that the room has to be completed. But the walls have not even been painted. Two gallons of paint have been sitting at the bottom of the stairs. The floor is covered with books, boxes, and all sorts of office equipment. The floorcovering will have to be installed. He's losing patience and I am getting rattled, because I can't help with any of it. Should I just close my eyes, pull the covers over my head, and try to sleep until things get a bit more sane around here? Oh, wait, I should finish drinking my decaf before it gets ice cold. Debbie

Thanks to everyone for your friendship and kind words and helpful advice. As you may have guessed, I was having a panic attack while posting by blog yesterday. Perhaps I should have listened to the tiny voice in my ear whispering, "Step away from the keyboard and nobody gets hurt!" After thinking about the situation, I realized that I had overblown every possible scenario. I am going to sit back and see what happens. Don't worry, I'll be sure to tell you all about the visit! Love, Debbie :wub2:

As I mentioned before, my weight gain is always heavy on my mind. But I have other weighty issues to deal with also ... starting with a visit from my sister this week. She will be flying in from New Hampshire on February 2 and leaving on February 4. Most people might think, "What's the big deal about spending 3 days (actually closer to 2-1/2) with your sister?". In my family it is a very big deal. My mother, father, grandparents, aunts and uncles have all passed away. My sister is my last living relative, besides 2 cousins, my husband and my 2 children. Although we live just 500 miles apart, we have never made too much of an effort to stay in touch over the last 30+ years. We are strangers to each other. My mother-in-law called my sister to notify her about my stroke in September. She was concerned, called me in the hospital, sent a crossword puzzle book and some sweatpants, and I heard little more until a couple of weeks ago, when she called to tell meabout the visit. I am panicking :yikes: right now. I don't have the energy to entertain her. We don't even have money to buy groceries for a guest. I always need at least one nap a day. No one wants to watch me sleep. And my house is so cluttered. My husband takes care of everything, including the house.Since I can't balance enough to do any major house cleaning, I will have to bug hubby to get it done. We don't have a place for her to sleep, so my husband is borrowing a rollaway bed from a friend and then he will move furnishings to convert the dining room into a bedroom. Even though I am the older sister (by one year) with more formal and informal education, I am and have always been intimidated by her. She was always the pretty and petite one. And she and her husband are very rich. I never felt like I measured up to her. And my father agreed. Dad looked down upon me, because I didn't marry rich - instead I married for love. All these insecurities are bombarding me now. And to top it off, I can't even feed myself without leaving part of my dinner stuck to my PJ's or shirt, just where I spilled it. I feel so depressed and spend more time crying than I do communicating. I know this rambling is overflowing with self-pity, but I am home alone right now and everything just seems to be coming to the surface. Until next time ...

Kristen - Here's to easier days ahead for you! :forgive_me?: :cocktail: :forgive_me?:

Fred - I totally agree that time seems to S-L-O-W-L-Y move forward from one hour to the next, but then I am shocked when another week has gone by. Where did all the time go? If you need any winter, I'm sure I can share some of ours with you - we are expecting a Nor'Easter snowstorm on Tuesday. I'll keep you posted. Have a great evening! :giggle:

Thank you, Lynn, your words are encouraging. Best wishes to you and Rod, also. Debbie

Up until today, I thought I was doing well with my physical therapy. I have worked hard during my 2 .5 hours per week in out-patient therapy. And at home I continue to work on the exercises. However, since I "had a spell or incident" last Thursday, my spasticity and tremors have become more erratic and I have experienced more slurred speech. I also have more weakness in my right leg. Although I didn't go to the ER, the symptoms point to a TIA. And then Friday, something happened during therapy which was described to me as a seizure. I don't know what's going on and at this time no doctor will see me until my Medical Assistance is approved. My Physical Therapist could not even work on my walking or standing today, because my balance is not improving. She actually told me that it is very doubtful that my walking will progress any further - thus far I am walking with an AFO and a rollator with assistance. I have been so sad all day. My Re-evaluation will be done on Wednesday, Feb 1st. At that time I will learn if my therapy will be continued or terminated. It is so difficult to stay strong when disappointments keep coming my way. Deb :Sob:

Sarah - Now you're speaking my language! Pre-stroke I loved going to the casino - I only play slots, but I so enjoy it. I've had a couple of trips to Las Vegas, but most of my casino trips have been day trips to Charlestown West Virginia - I don't live too far from there. I'd love to go again, but I know that our money is too scarce right now to risk it. But congratulations to you! Now get that new purse - you deserve it! Deb

Sue - I want to share your comments with my husband. Sometimes I think my husband forgets about the little things that might matter to me, because he is so overwhelmed with the big day to day problems we both face. I would really feel needed if I had a spare key to carry, or a couple of bucks in my pocket. Thanks for sharing. Achoo! God bless you. Deb

Jean - I think it is so important to honor Don's wishes and feelings pre-stroke (at times when he has no post-stroke opinion about the situation). He is so lucky to have such a caring and loving spouse/caregiver. Deb

Sue - Thanks for sharing and caring. I took your advice. The sun was warm and melted away some of the gloom. What a way to start the day. Best to you and Ray! Debbie