calendulady

Stroke Survivor - female
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Blog Entries posted by calendulady

  1. calendulady
    Good Day to Everyone,
     
    After I read the Strokenet newsletter today, I was reminded that my blog was sitting stagnant for months.
    I really have no excuses, except I have been bogged down with email from my newly found brother, my son in Iraq, and his Japanese fiance. Most of my time is split between exercises, and emails.
     
    But I became very excited about the prospect of joining the bookclub. My husband is running out to get the book so that I can hopefully finish it by September 15th.
     
    Here is an update on my life these days ...
    First of all, I have been having problems with depression, so I now see a therapist and we are working through my issues.
     
    Next, my son is out of Iraq ... he arrived back at his base at Camp Pendleton on August 22! he will officially be discharged on October 5, following 10 years of service in the Marine Corps. He will then return to the apt in Okinawa that he and his fiance shared while he was stationed in Japan.
     
    My son and his fiance will be visiting me for 2 weeks in November. They have been planning a Thanksgiving at home since for more than a year. I have to help my husband decorate and furnish my son's old bedroom
    for their visit. I have never met my future daughter-in-law and I haven't seen my son since he came home for his 18th birthday (he is now 26 - turns 27 on Oct 18). You can imagine my excitement.
     
    I turned 50 years old on August 6th --- there was no celebration, no cake or candles --- I received a few beautiful cards and I was very happy with the rather normal day as it passed. I think 50 fits me well.
    I have some wrinkles - who cares. Of course I could do without the age spots on my hands. But at least I don't feel the need to color my hair, since I have no gray to cover. Oh, I am certain that it won't be long, because I am sure that I have earned some gray hair during this past year.
     
    Lastly, I will have a chance to meet my brother Steve (age 55) in November when my husband and I
    take a quick trip to Florida. This is also very exciting for me, because we have shared so many emails, pictures, etc, I just know that we share so many interests.
     
    Enough rambling for now ... Happy day to all!
     
    Love, Deb
  2. calendulady
    I am really enjoying having the windows open and feeling the breezes blow. The curtains are rustling in the wind and my 2 cats are perched on the chest below the window, mesmerized by the birds singing outside.
    Soon the nests and the birdhouses beneath the deck rafters will be full of growing families, adding more life to the backyard.
     
    What will my contribution be this year? Well, I always enjoy planting a large basket with peppermint and lemon verbena. It makes a great tasting iced tea. And another container needs to be replenished with the best fresh basil and sage plants that I can find. Last, but not least, my husband and I have to start the tomato patch soon. I know that I can't complete the tasks by myself, but that won't keep me from trying to do what I can.
     
    I hope everyone is planning their own garden, their own personal growth during this time when we receive the gifts nature shares with us at this time.
     
    Debbie :Typing:
  3. calendulady

    PT Re-evaluation

    By calendulady,

    The Physical Therapy Re-Evaluation has been completed and the therapist has determined that she really can't help me. My tremors and balance have been interfering with progressing my walking further. I understand that she doesn't want to waste my time and money, but some things she said really hurt me.
     
    According to her, my balance and tremors are not consistant with how a stroke affects someone. And then she told my husband that all my symptoms were due to anxiety, because a stroke in the basal ganglia does not cause problems with movement, coordination, and balance. She also told my husband that stroke survivors do not have good days and bad days, so I really need to see a mental health professional, not physical therapy. However, she told me to keep doing my exercises at home and perhaps in 2 weeks I could return to see if I could continue.
     
    I left there in tears. I felt I was making progress in baby steps. But then my feelings, pain, struggles were minimized. I don't know about anyone else's recovery, but I would bet that many, if not all of us, have pain, level of fatigue, and emotions that vary day to day.
     
    Am I over-reacting to the actions and comments of a professional that appears to know much less about stroke effects than I do - contradicting every medical professional that has treated me in the past 5 months?
    I guess the main reason I even bother to take the time to question myself is because I HAVE been under alot of stress lately and I do have major depression that is being treated.
     
    Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
     
    Debbie :forgive_me?:
  4. calendulady
    Today is a big day for me ... about 4 weeks ago my family got together and bought me a recumbent bike. The bike was on sale for a great price, so I had to wait this long until it came back in stock. Hopefully today is the day it will be available for pick-up.
     
    My husband has already rearranged a corner of our bedroom to also serve as a new workout area. Now the weights, balls, stretch cords, putty, etc will have a proper place. Up until now, everything seems to be unpaired, scattered where I last used each piece.
     
    I have a mirror so that I can watch my form (or as close to form as I can get ). I am so hoping that the aerobic exercise combined with my weights, walking, and cardiac diet will help my push my weight in a downward direction.
     
    How could I have gained weight since coming home from rehab? :uhm: I can't figure it out, but it has to stop here.
     
    Debbie
  5. calendulady
    I grew up in New England with one sibling, a year younger than me. My mother died in a boating accident in 1974 (age 40) and my Dad died of cancer at age 56. My sister and I haven't been very close - we live 500 miles apart from each other and never seem to keep the family connection strong. So when she made an impromptu visit earlier this month, I shared my panic feelings with you. I basically am intimidated in her presence.
     
    My sister arrived and I assumed she came to see me and check out how my recovery was going. She was enthusiastic about my progress (however, she hadn't seen me since the stroke, so I am not sure to what she was comparing her judgement).
     
    Now comes the real kicker ... the true motivation for my sister's visit was to inform me that we had 2 half-brothers that neither of us had ever heard of before. These boys were from 2 relationships my Mom apparently had before meeting and marrying our Dad. The brothers are 3 and 5 years older than me. The saddest news was that the younger of the two had started the search upon the death of his adoptive family. He had located the older brother, talked on the phone several times. The 2 men were planning to meet the first week of January. However, the younger brother died of a heart attack on December 26, 2005. My sister received this news in a letter around the beginning of January, but she waited a month to tell me in person, because she didn't want to cause me any stress or pain.
     
    How do I feel now knowing that my family has suddenly grown with 2 half-brothers (one deceased),
    2 sisters-in-law, and 6 nieces and nephews? I am so happy that they were able to find us.
    However, I am saddened that my mom was not able to keep us all as a family. And it is also a shame that she hid her secret from everyone. I would like to think had she lived longer she would have confided in my sister and me.
     
    It is so amazing how just one letter can impact a life.
     
    Debbie
  6. calendulady
    If I had a paint brush and an easel, I would paint this day grey. The weather is overcast and damp. The neighbors walking through the court look gloomy, eyes downcast to the cracked pavement. Everyone I see is dressed in black, brown, blue. No one is talking or laughing or sharing.
     
    I'm stuck in the bedroom with a lukewarm cup of decaf; the TV plays in the background, but I am numb to the programs or the sound. I've tried to read, but my concentration and comprehension falls prey to my short term memory. I toss the book to the floor with my good hand after attempting to grasp the same words over and over again without success.
     
    My husband is frantically :out_of_here: running through the house upstairs and down. I was worried about cleaning house a couple of days ago. Now he has suddenly realized that my sister will visit day after tomorrow. You won't believe it - of all the work that needs to be done, he has chosen to remove the carpet from my office down the hall. We had just started redecorating my home office about a week before the stroke. He had given me a beautiful rustic oak secretary for our 27th wedding anniversary August 12, 2005. The desk and chair are still wrapped in packing material, sitting in the corner of the bedroom. Now he has suddenly decided that the room has to be completed.
     
    But the walls have not even been painted. Two gallons of paint have been sitting at the bottom of the stairs. The floor is covered with books, boxes, and all sorts of office equipment. The floorcovering will have to be installed. He's losing patience and I am getting rattled, because I can't help with any of it.
     
    Should I just close my eyes, pull the covers over my head, and try to sleep until things get a bit more sane around here? Oh, wait, I should finish drinking my decaf before it gets ice cold.
     
    Debbie
  7. calendulady
    As I mentioned before, my weight gain is always heavy on my mind. But I have other
    weighty issues to deal with also ... starting with a visit from my sister this week.
    She will be flying in from New Hampshire on February 2 and leaving on
    February 4.
     
    Most people might think, "What's the big deal about spending
    3 days (actually closer to 2-1/2) with your sister?". In my family it is a
    very big deal. My mother, father, grandparents, aunts and uncles have all passed away.
    My sister is my last living relative, besides 2 cousins, my husband and my 2 children.
     
    Although we live just 500 miles apart, we have never made too much of an effort
    to stay in touch over the last 30+ years. We are strangers to each other.
     
    My mother-in-law called my sister to notify her about my stroke in September.
    She was concerned, called me in the hospital, sent a crossword puzzle book and
    some sweatpants, and I heard little more until a couple of weeks ago, when
    she called to tell meabout the visit.
     
    I am panicking :yikes: right now. I don't have the energy to entertain her.
    We don't even have money to buy groceries for a guest. I always need at least one
    nap a day. No one wants to watch me sleep. And my house is so cluttered.
    My husband takes care of everything, including the house.Since I can't balance
    enough to do any major house cleaning, I will have to bug hubby to get it done.
    We don't have a place for her to sleep, so my husband is borrowing a rollaway
    bed from a friend and then he will move furnishings to
    convert the dining room into a bedroom.
     
    Even though I am the older sister (by one year) with more formal and
    informal education, I am and have always been intimidated by her.
    She was always the pretty and petite one. And she and her
    husband are very rich. I never felt like I measured up to her. And my
    father agreed. Dad looked down upon me, because I didn't marry rich - instead
    I married for love.
     
    All these insecurities are bombarding me now. And to top it off, I can't even
    feed myself without leaving part of my dinner stuck to my PJ's or shirt,
    just where I spilled it. I feel so depressed and spend more time crying
    than I do communicating.
     
    I know this rambling is overflowing with self-pity, but I am home alone right now
    and everything just seems to be coming to the surface. Until next time ...
  8. calendulady

    P.T. Re-Evaluation

    By calendulady,

    Up until today, I thought I was doing well with my physical therapy.
    I have worked hard during my 2 .5 hours per week in out-patient
    therapy. And at home I continue to work on the exercises.
     
    However, since I "had a spell or incident" last Thursday, my
    spasticity and tremors have become more erratic and I have
    experienced more slurred speech. I also have more weakness in my right leg.
    Although I didn't go to the ER, the symptoms point to a TIA.
    And then Friday, something happened
    during therapy which was described to me as a seizure.
     
    I don't know what's going on and at this time no doctor will see me
    until my Medical Assistance is approved. My Physical Therapist
    could not even work on my walking or standing today, because my balance
    is not improving. She actually told me that it is very doubtful that my walking will
    progress any further - thus far I am walking with an AFO and a rollator
    with assistance.
     
    I have been so sad all day. My Re-evaluation will be done on
    Wednesday, Feb 1st. At that time I will learn if my therapy will
    be continued or terminated. It is so difficult to stay strong
    when disappointments keep coming my way.
     
    Deb :Sob:
     
     
  9. calendulady
    I hadn't planned on it, but today was a shopping day ... my husband took me out to buy a new handbag. I really didn't need one, or so I thought. But my husband explained to me that I needed a bag with an extra-long strap, so that I can put it over my head and across my body - that way I can carry my own purse hands-free.
     
    I guess my husband is tired of carrying my handbag when I insist that I can't leave home without it. Score one for the adult in the family without stroke deficits! I might have arrived at that solution on my own ... eventually. But who knows!
     
    It's a dark red bag with a little sass. Looks great with my sweatpants and tee-shirt uniform for physical therapy. I suppose I am going on and on about this purchase, because it is the one and only new thing I have bought since my stroke.
     
    Now I just have to find a dollar bill and a couple of coins to put in the zipper money pouch inside the bag. Funny, I haven't had my own money since the stroke, either.
     
    Oh, before I forget, does anyone need a new key ring? I just happen to have a new one, in a dark red color with a little sass.
  10. calendulady

    Empty Nest

    By calendulady,

    Oh, it has been a busy day around here. My daughter finally moved the remainder of her belongings into her new apartment. Of course, Dad made several trips back and forth. The final trip came early this afternoon. I was fortunate to tag along and see the place for myself.
     
    I got the grand tour, while Dad finished setting up all the electronics for my daughter and her roommate.
    I gave a "thumbs up" to the place - the fridge was even stocked with healthy food. However, it was difficult to navigate my walker through some of the small door ways and I almost tripped over a number of scattered rugs. Finally, my husband parked me on the end of the futon in the den, while he and the girls put the finishing touches on the place.
     
    I won't lie and tell you that I am grateful the nest is empty - quite the contrary, I will miss seeing her pop in and out the door each day. And I always felt more comfortable when my daughter could be called upon to help out with me when my husband had to be away from the house in the evening.
     
    But I will adapt to this change. That's what parents do. One funny thing did happen - for 2 weeks my daughter has been begging me not to cry when she leaves. I'm so emotional these days, it wasn't easy keeping the tears at bay. So when it was time to say goodbye this evening, I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and told her how proud I was of the woman she has grown to be.
     
    So how did my daughter react - well, I think she was rather hurt that I didn't cry and carry on.
    Kids! It doesn't matter how old they are, I still can't figure them out! :uhm:
     
    I'll probably spend the rest of the evening bouncing emails back and forth to my son. He is in the Marine Corps. On his way to Iraq four days ago, his plane brokedown and they had to land in Rota, Spain. He will be leaving Spain on or about Monday. In the meantime, he seems very bored. But I'd rather have him spend more time in Spain and less time in Iraq.
     
    It's time to say goodbye :Zzzz: - I'm tired and typing :Typing: is getting more difficult to do. Sweet Dreams :Neeeedsleeep: and here's to another day of recovery.
     
    Debbie
     
     
  11. calendulady
    I used to dream of writing a book. Not sure what genre, but I felt as if I had a book inside me, probably down deep so it would take some time to surface. The only thing stopping me was having the time to commit to the craft. Until now ...
     
    Oh, I have plenty of time now. But since the stroke the problem is finding the right words combined with a creative voice. I'm not a quitter so I continue to set aside time for my daily writing prompts. Some days are much easier than others ... there are times when I sit in front of the computer screen for hours on end without completing a sentence.
     
    At other times the thoughts fly from my brain to my fingers, but watch out for spelling, grammar, and complete sentences. Another consequence is that it is now much more difficult to judge good writing from bad. Friends I used to depend on as my critics now applaud every little success that I have, not wanting to discourage me at any turn.
     
    For now I will keep my creative writing to myself as I work to improve my skills. But don't count me out completely ... because one day when you least expect it, I may just surprise you!
     
    Good Night All! :Neeeedsleeep:
     
    Debbie
  12. calendulady
    January 20, 2006
     
    Okay, this is my first attempt at blogging. I figure I will start out with what's heaviest on my mind right now. During the last 5 months I have gained so much weight. Yes, some of it is due to the medications that I am currently taking. But the rest is due to the dramatic change in my activity level in relation to the amount of food I eat on my Vegetarian, Low Fat, Low Cholesterol, Low Sodium diet.
     
    My husband does all the shopping, cooking, and serving of the meals because my balance, coordination, and tremor issues make those activities unsafe and out of reach for me at this time.
     
    But I still find it difficult to understand how I have gained the weight so fast. My food choices are healthier than before the stroke. My portions are measured. I have a schedule for my meals. I just can't seem to work out a healthy balance.
     
    I would be grateful to hear from anyone that might have some suggestions for me. I feel like I am the only one fighting this problem.
     
    Debbie
  13. calendulady
    I have been mulling over a list of creative things that I would like
    to do, since I have some free time on my hands. First of all, I reviewed
    my favorite pre-stroke hobbies:
     
    Quilting ... Scrapbooking ... Photography ... Researching / Writing Non-Fiction Articles
     
    ... and then there is a another list of new things I wish to learn:
     
    Jewelry Making (including metal, gemstones, glass beads, charms)
    Painting with Watercolors
    Pottery
    Yoga
     
    Looks like I have to be a bit more creative or alot more patient right now.
    At this time I am not even safe cutting out coupons from the Sunday paper inserts.
     
    So what I am doing now is trying to find some downloadable
    trial versions of PC games - to challenge my brain and to
    train my hand.
     
    I had never before played a video game before now - and I am
    already becoming addicted.
     
    Until next time,
    Debbie