justsurviving

Stroke Survivor - female
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  1. justsurviving
    I have a new blog - http://en.wordpress.com - mostly because I find this site restrictive and often frustrating when trying to post. For instance, my latest blog posting never showed, after hours and actually days of trying to post it. We'll see if this one makes it.
  2. justsurviving

    Simple Realizations

    By justsurviving,

    Just recently, I have had a few simple, possibly cheap, realizations.
     
    I asked a good, kind, honest friend if he noticed any personality changes from B.S. to A.S.S. (Before Stroke to After Sherri's Stroke). Being the good psychologist that he is, he said that he noticed slightly flattened affect (less visible emotion).
     
    After thinking about this intently, I realized this morning that it is because I have always analyzed a situation before I determined emotion. This usually happened very quickly so that it wasn't as noticeable. The reason that I do this is because, otherwise, my first immediate reaction is of anger or unhappiness, even if it is a good situation. I need to determine that the situation is good first. There are plenty of reasons for this reaction, none of which I would like to delve into right now. Suffice to say that I feel my reasons are just and it is a habit that I don't think I could, or would want to, break.
     
    Anyway, I think one of the reasons for the flattened affect was because I simply didn't have the mental resources to analyze and determine the correct emotion. I was too busy checking systems (I still have to move toes and fingers to reassure myself that I am not stroking again), and checking to see where my limbs are since they are so unused to just being (proprioception was lost for some time) especially with the new brain cells that were controlling them.
     
    I was relieved to solve that observation. A new one has popped up.
     
    I am reading a good book and really connected with the something the character felt/said. He had a drive that was unstoppable for most of his life and he recently noticed that he had recently resigned to his current state of being. I hate that I have, in some sense, resigned to the stroke. I kept up the fight - believing that I can fight this and ultimately win - for so long. Honestly, fighting with that level of strength for ~3 years is above and beyond exhausting.
     
    I haven't given up. Rather, I have lowered the level of fight to a more manageable level, and to be honest to myself, I have reduced my expectations. That hurts more than anything else. In some way, it is like reserving your energy during a race. You need to push yourself at a level that you can handle until you see the finish line in sight, then you run like H E double hockey sticks.
     
    I hope that is what I am doing. I can't see far enough into my heart and mind to determine if that is true just yet. I hope so.
  3. justsurviving

    Life lately

    By justsurviving,

    I went to a conference last week in Orlando. I also went to the first attempt of the Ares 1-X launch. Yes - attempt. Friend of Survivor and I waited for 5 hours & no launch that day. Foiled again! It did finally launch the next day when I was in conference mode.
     
    While I was in Orlando, I got to catch up with some of my favorite people. In addition to the launch adventure, Friend of Survivor and I had a wonderful dinner with her mom. Two of some of my most favorite women - they really crack me up with their unique relationship and perspective. I also took advantage of visiting with another friend, Chemo Brain (his term). Over lunch, we delved into some of the research issues that I have been battling. The thing is, when I look at the issue with the same pair of eyes, it always seems to look the same and mock me endlessly. Chemo Brain made some very thoughtful suggestions and made a Regression analogy to my recovery.
     
    Clarification - he says Chemo Brain whenever he can't find a word. He had the most horrifying experience with cancer, chemo, and recovery that I have ever heard. That he is a fighter and survivor is a given.
     
    Parts of lunch were very much "When I was in the hospital this happened." "yeah, I totally know what you mean - I thought/felt the same thing/way" It was neat to connect in that odd way. Never a comparison so much as a companion of survivorship. I am very thankful to have such intelligent and compassionate people in my life.
     
    Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Nigeria experience is 1/3 of the way through. Bob has been there forever and will *hopefully* be home on December 23rd. Skype really has been our savior. It is so good to see him, although the high-metabolism stinker usually fidgets into a pixellated blur .
     
    Nothing else new on the homefront. The book project has yet to take off - my home computer is a netbook with a teeny-tiny keyboard. I need to get set up so that I can plug in a regular computer keyboard and whatnot. Eventually. Everything is eventual.
  4. justsurviving

    Bitterly thankful

    By justsurviving,

    As of late, I have been processing the realization that I am still waaaay too bitter about the stroke still. Now that I have recognized it, it is time to change it. It is reflected in so many of my posts and in my life. I honestly don't know how Bob has put up with it. I'm sure he has justified it as something he didn't experience and that I will 'get through it' so to speak. Actually, I haven't asked him about it. I don't think I want to know the answer.
     
    I think that some people give me far too much leeway (Bob, Friend of Suvivor, family, etc.) and some don't give me an inch (I have experienced the 'you must not have it too badly if you can walk/talk/whatever'). I need something in between. The place where it is okay to be scared to do some stuff, but do it anyway with encouragement. I think I am the only one who can provide that place for myself. Why would I think it is anyone else's responsibility?
     
    To deal with the bitterness issue, I have decided to volunteer at the local hospital. I plan to ask if I can volunteer with stroke patients. I plan to create a pamphlet/brochure with information that wasn't given to me when I left the hospital (sleep is very important, no stroke is the same & I am not a representative of all strokers, you have the right to be respected as a patient and survivor, etc.) and to lend an ear and give encouragement by example. I think this will be a good step toward being thankful and simply accepting my situation as is. I truly haven't accepted where I am right now and how I got here.
     
    So, you ask, why the "Bitterly thankful" title?
     
    I realized late last night that I am thankful for the stroke for at least one thing - I used to have a terrible, awful itch in my left foot - about 2 inches down the center and it would bother me endlessly. I no longer have that itch! Woo! A video tape exists of me scratching furiously at my foot at a phantom itch. No reason for the itch, but it was a deep, beyond bothersome itch. I used to fantasize about taking a steak knife and plunging it into my foot. The only reason I didn't is because it would be my luck to still have the itch and top it off with pain and then being unable to scratch it!
     
    So, I am on my way to simply being Thankful without a side of bitter. No telling how long it will take or how many mistakes I will make along the way. I do think I will get there though.
  5. justsurviving
    Bob & I are getting settled really well in the new house. Bob decided this was the weekend to paint the kitchen. Somehow, I had enough other things to do that I got out of that!
     
    One of the tasks was to (finally) organize our bedroom closet. I attacked it with fervor! As I was finishing up with the shelf and hangers, I found the running t-shirts from the November 13, 2005 10k race. I had a TIA at the starting line of that race and stroked a few hours later. I didn't expect to find the shirts and they were so carefully folded and my running number placed with them. It really surprised and shocked me.
     
    Even more surprising was the onslaught of emotions that resulted after the find. The shocking difference of November 12, 2005 and November 13, 2005 really hit me hard. How I so blatantly disregarded the TIA at the starting line. How I tried to convince Bob not to call 911. The pain and utter loneliness of the first few weeks of recovery. The passive thoughts of suicide (passive thoughts of suicide = wishing I hadn't survived; active thoughts of suicide = planning or thinking about upcoming death). A colleague really helped me through that last part. He said "I'm so glad that you survived." Much like myself, he is rather blunt, but honest. That helped more than he knows - thanks, Thomas!
     
    I actually just had to stop organizing the closet to get out of the confined space and sort through my feelings. I didn't get back to it and I suspect that I won't for awhile. I have to calm down for a little while before I can tackle it again.
     
    Sometimes reality really smacks you upside the head, doesn't it?
  6. justsurviving
    For every shuttle launch, NASA Langley employees are offered the opportunity to see the launch from on NASA Kennedy's center grounds. For the STS-128 night launch, I got a pass to go. I could take 6 people with me so I asked Bob, Friend of Survivor, and Bob's sister to see if they wanted to go. We filled up really quickly! I would have loved to take a full bus but am glad, now, that I didn't.
     
    We got to the causeway (right across the water from the launchpad - beautiful view) at 11:00 pm. Then we waited since it was scheduled to go at 1:36 AM. Then we waited again. The weather was really getting bad, but we were trying to optimistic those clouds and that lightning away. It didn't work. The launch was scrubbed around 1:20 AM Tuesday. The 2 (TWO!) hour drive back to our vehicles only took about 45 minutes before. Bob & I didn't get back to our hotel room until around 4:00 AM and check out time was 11:00, so we only got about 5-6 hours of sleep. The launch was rescheduled for ~24 hours later (1:10 AM on Wednesday) so Bob & I decided to spend another night and vacation day to try again - everyone else was on board as well.
     
    Just our luck - that launch was scrubbed as well. At least we found out at 7:15 PM instead of late at night/early in the morning. We called everyone to cancel (another good thing about the limitation of guests) and decided to drive back home that night. 12 hours later and we got home at 7:30 AM on Wednesday. Not wanting to burn vacation time, I went straight to work. Eight hours of a boring task in a warm room made my day hard to live through.
     
    I am so glad that we decided not to go since the launch is now scheduled for Friday (we aren't going). It would have been neat, but I'm okay not being able to experience it. Bob & I have seen quite a few launches from afar as well as really pretty close (on a jetty close to NASA Kennedy) when we lived in Orlando.
     
    I was really worried about the lack of sleep schedule that I have trained my mind and body to adhere. No problem for the most part. Bob & I need to clean up our sleep hygiene to get back on track for good daily rest, but my brain handled it really pretty well.
  7. justsurviving
    I had to pick Bob up from the airport at 1:30 am Friday night/Saturday morning. We got home and settled in around 2:30ish. I couldn't get to sleep and wasn't feeling great. So, I decided a bathroom trip might help for some reason around 3:30 or so.
     
    Sitting on toilet, doubled over thinking 'I don't feel so good'. That was all the warning I got - I woke up on floor. Apparently I passed out while sitting on the freaking toilet - took a face plant into the wall/floor (not sure exactly what happened). Actually started dreaming and felt uncomfortable from having my neck wrenched. I started to move to get more comfortable not realizing where I was. Very confused why the bed was so hard and I had no pillow.
     
    Realized I was on the floor. I tried to push myself up & my butt bumped against the toilet. It started to crystalize what happened but I just got up & went to bed.
     
    DH comes to wake me up and sees a goose egg above my left eye and a huge scrape from just above my right eyebrow extending into my hairline. Oh, it's beautiful!
     
    I am easy to pass out, so we don't think much about it. But, I'm too dizzy to get up before noon. Actually, before 1 pm. We justified it since I really didn't get to sleep until 4 am or so.
     
    We go to eat & I'm feeling good, no problem at all. We leave & about 1/3 of the way across the parking lot, suddenly, I can't walk straight. I am listing to the left. DH has to help me walk to the vehicle. I felt no weakness, just felt like I'd been spinning in a circle and then trying to walk straight right after spinning, you know?
     
    It freaks us out & we go to ER. I get a CT & a CT with contrast.
     
    Good news: The carotid and vertebral arteries are widely patent without evidence of stenosis or dissection.
     
    Yay!
     
    Weird news: Tiny left thyroid cysts or nodules suggesting minimal changes of goiter.
     
    What? I have a goiter? Man alive.
     
    In the end, the ER doctor said that the disturbed gait may have been from the head bump.
     
    Anyway - all is well. I may have a little vertigo, but that is nothing new for me. I follow up with my regular doctor tomorrow morning. I have a slightly swollen forehead (I look very Cro-magnon) and a scrape that is healing well.
  8. justsurviving
    Has it really been three months since I completed the USC (University of South Carolina) IMT (Intensive Mobility Training) study?
     
    It really has. Looking back, I've done a lot since the study - I now "run" on a regular basis, we moved (although my father-in-law helped with the heavy stuff), & I feel better about my walking and stair climbing.
     
    I worked four 10-hour days so that I could have the Friday to drive to Columbia, SC to complete the follow-up portion of the study. The measurements were the same as the baseline, pretest, and posttest &, although it was my intention, I didn't practice the parts that I felt I needed practice on (you know what they say about good intentions!).
     
    On the drive there (6.5 hours there + 2 hours for the study + 6.5 hours back = a long day!), I was chatting with my dad who broke his wrist a year ago. He was lamenting his loss of movement and actually said to me "I sure hope you kids don't have major medical issues." I was without words. He compared a broken wrist to a stroke (or forgot completely that I had one? I don't know, I didn't further the discussion, I was too speechless). Good thing that I love him and understood where he was coming from, otherwise I may have given him the whatfor! Eh, like most people (myself included), he just didn't think about (1) what he was saying and (2) who he was saying it to.
     
    Anyway, we get there in time to have a lovely lunch before the follow-up. When we got to the lab, I didn't get to see my favorite PTs, but I saw a few friendly faces. I felt pretty darn good about my follow-up capabilities (I have the record distance of the 6 minute walk! Woo hoo!!) and the researcher complimented me on a few things that I had begun to notice but hadn't been able to articulate just yet. He said that my strategic planning of gait is really good. I think that, more than anything, the improvement is due to an increase in confidence in my ability to do something. Instead of analyzing a task to determine if I would be able to do it, I am more likely now to try it first rather than analyze it to death. He also said that he may use my youtube video of my "running" as an example of what can be accomplished with intensive therapy.
     
    I truly recommend the study - they have ongoing studies at USC for stroke survivors & this is just one I happened to hear about. Totally worth it.
  9. justsurviving
    I think I'm getting stronger. By "running" for 30 minutes, 3 times a week, I feel strength building in my ankle and leg in general.
     
    Then comes moving day. My leg threatens to give out several times (once at the top of the stairs while holding a heavy box - yikes!). Walking up to the 3rd floor apartment and down with boxes, bags, and miscellaneous things and driving to the new house and walking up a flight of stairs to put boxes, bags, and various things in the office, extra bedrooms, and our bedroom only to trudge back down the stairs to carry more wore me out beyond explanation. I think I am S-L-O-W-L-Y building stamina, but jeez, I would like more and faster please! When I get worn down, I have more slow or false starts. It takes longer to think about and then take that first step on the stairs, whether going up or down. There is something so lonely about being a stroker - when you're the only person who has to think carefully about how to navigate across a room, well, there's a sense of solitude to the whole thing.
     
    So, in the end, I *do* think I am getting stronger, but is sure as heck is slow. ~readjusting expectations...AGAIN~
  10. justsurviving

    So much news!

    By justsurviving,

    As a continuation of the previous post - I said that I used to need to secure my affected limbs but that, basically, I didn't need to do it any longer. Oops. Spoke too soon. About 2 weeks ago, I realized that I still need to secure my limbs, but I think it is more habit now or, at the very least, I'm just not as conscious of it. Bob & I were riding in the back seat and I had to sit in the middle between Bob & my dad. Bob was on my left (affected side). If I can't angle my foot so that I can balance my leg, it pretty much kind of flops a little. Finally, after getting frustrated with trying to fix it, I just took Bob's leg and shoved it against my leg so that it was supported.
     
    Part of it is the stabilizing muscles. The muscles that hold your leg up when you are sitting on the floor with your back against the wall and your legs bent. You can release the major muscle and allow the stabilizing muscle to keep the leg in place. Paralysis messes that all up, doesn't it?! When I was at USC for the study, I suggested they look into how to engage the stabilizing muscles. It was clear that they didn't really understand what I was saying and I just dropped the issue.
     
    Over the July 4th weekend, Bob & I flew to South Dakota for my grandmother's 90th birthday celebration. She's quite the firecracker yet. When I teased her about keeping it up for the next 15-20 years, she just hushed me!
     
    It was so nice to be home. The balance between quality and quantity of time with family and friends is a delicate balance, and one that I'm sure that I never quite accomplish but I got to meet the newest niece and distant new family members as well as old faces that are so welcoming.
     
    I also got a chance to spend (far too short) time with a good friend from high school (hi Kris!). We enjoyed chatting over a couple glasses of wine. The fact that she and Bob had to help hold me up when I had to put my shoes on at the end of the night - Bob wants to blame it on the wine. The real me is afraid to blame it on my continuing balance problems. I won't dwell on it since it would ruin the memory of the lovely evening we had.
     
    One of the topics of conversation really got me interested. Kris said that it seems as though our bodies age but our minds feel like no time has passed since high school. I think that, right now at least, I'm aging backward a little. When I first stroked, I felt 80 years old (not that I know how that feels, but go with me on this). As I am gaining strength, I feel younger. I hope that I will be my actual age by the time I hit 40!
     
    On a related note, BS (before stroke), I used to feel very secure in aging. I liked the idea that I would age and wrinkle and gain life experiences. Now, however, it scares me & I try to freeze the age I am now and I long for my early 30s. It is too hard to put into words. I hope to release this fear in the near future.
     
    I am keeping up with my "running" program. (I put running in quotes because it really isn't running by any stretch of the imagination but it is all I can muster so I am giving myself artistic license!) I am running 1/3 of the track and walking 1/4 alternating for 30 minutes three times a week. Next week, I will be running 1/2 the track and walk 1/4-1/3. Increasing the increments slowly has been working really well. The increased ankle strength has surprised me. I also feel more energized which is a great feeling! Who knows, maybe I will actually come to like running (I never did before)!
     
    Lastly, we have finally purchased a house here in Virginia. It was a foreclosure so we had to buy it from the Veteran's Administration which was a pain in the tuckus. They gave us fits up to the last minute but we prevailed! We will be moving in at the end of July. Thankfully, Bob's dad is flying here to help us move - I don't have that kind of strength and endurance just yet! Until then, we are working to get stuff done while we aren't living there - the flooring in the kitchen, foyer, and hallway needs to be replaced and we are updating the kitchen with some paint and a new island that we are building! I still tire quicker than I used to, but I am building up my endurance.
     
    That's the news from Virginia. And South Dakota, too, technically. I hope all are enjoying the summer.
  11. justsurviving
    It never fails - I think I have just about everything figured out & then BAM! I get hit with something and have something to refigure.
     
    I had a pretty sweet life up to the stroke. I was fit, healthy, and on my way to finishing up schooling. BAM! Stroke. I often wrote and felt that I had aged 50 years in the blink of an eye. I think I understand why now. I had some disconnect with my mind and body.
     
    BS (before stroke), my mind and body were in sync. What I thought I could do, I just did. Without fail. All of a sudden, I thought I could do things that I simply couldn't do. No way, no how (walking, grabbing things, etc.). It is incredibly difficult to convey how this dissonance felt. I thought I was still healthy and fit. I simply couldn't get my mind to sync up with my body. It was impossible for me to understand that I was broken. I think that I realized it in small patches (one sad memory was of me sobbing uncontrollably and asking Bob to please just take the stroke effects away, just for 1 day and I promised that I would find the strength to fight it if I could only just have a break), but I couldn't really make my mind understand what my brain did to my body. Only time would allow the two to make that connection.
     
    I realized last night that it is coming together. My mind is accepting my body. I recall having a lunch date with a good friend (Friend of Survivor, in fact!), and as we sat in a 2 person booth, I had no idea what to do with my arm. This disconnect between my mind and body manifested itself frequently in the feeling that parts of my body didn't feel like they belonged. At lunch, I crossed my arms so that I could control my affected arm. I felt terrible as I'm sure it came across as closed off body language, but I just didn't know what else to do with my arm. At least I could simply tuck my affected leg/foot behind my good leg/foot and be okay with it being secured.
     
    I feel fairly whole now. A portion of my affected foot often feels odd and 'out of place' (for lack of a better term) but since it is connected to the rest of my foot which feels fine, it is easier to deal with. I feel like my arm and leg belong to my body again.
     
    I'm sure much of this has to do with the brain cells that have to pick up the responsibility of the dead cells. The new ones have no basis to determine what feels comfortable or appropriate. Only as time passes do they figure out how it is supposed to feel. When I would get frustrated at the experimental program at USC, I would have to stop and explain that it wasn't that I didn't *want* to do something (as one person claimed that 'some strokers don't want to do' stuff), it was that my brain didn't understand what was right and how right felt. There was frustration on both sides. There were some people who think that I just wasn't cooperating and I felt frustrated that my brain cells weren't picking it up as fast as they needed. I feed off other people's stress which is NOT healthy! If someone is anxious, all that energy is absorbed and I become anxious. Yuck. The good thing is that if someone is contagiously happy - I am too!
     
    I once told Bob that my brain is figuring things out similarly to a fresh one (babies/kids), only a little faster. I often commiserated with toddlers learning to walk. I figure that (similar to muscle memory), my brain is catching on fairly quickly and I'm past adolescence (whew! I felt awkward for awhile after the stroke - very teenage-y). Glad that is over! I'm getting better & believe with all my being that I can get to a fully sync'd up place in life. Just you watch!
  12. justsurviving

    The latest

    By justsurviving,

    Lots of stuff happening lately...
     
    I have been doing really well on my exercise schedule & even added to it! I am doing the Couch to 5k program (www.coolrunning.com under the Training tab and the Beginners section). Bob & I either bike or drive to the high school track and do the walk/jog alternation for about 20-30 minutes. The weather is starting to cooperate better and when it is warmer, the heat helps warm my muscles. The cool/cold weather makes me a miserable walker/jogger!
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Bob & I bought a house here in VA! It is a foreclosure that is in pretty good shape (we will have the inspection done tonight) and we got it below market value which is always good. I'm pretty excited about it - I can't wait to move in and actually unpack *all* of the boxes. I have had boxes not only lining my closet but also stuffed in our extra room for the last 7 months and it is a pain.
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I gave blood yesterday at the blood drive here on center. What a mess that was. First, I had the most incompetent person taking my information. I had to spell everything 3 or 4 times (even easy words like Clair and Circle). I wanted to strangle her by the end of the intake portion and when they took my BP, I thought for sure that it would be sky high because I was so bugged. Instead it was 98/64 which is really low for me. After I sat in the chair for the blood draw, the phlebotomist stuck the needle in sooo s-l-o-w-l-y that it burned. I finally told her to hurry up and just stick the darn thing in already. I squeezed that stinking ball continuously so that I could just get the heck out of there. I filled it faster than I ever have before (~6 minutes) and as she pinched off the tube, I told her that I feel light headed and a little faint. She didn't really seem to care and told me to cough (no tipping my chair back or juice or anything). I was too weak at that point to try to cough and just fainted dead away. I fainted so long that I was actually dreaming. Someone was tapping on my arm to wake me up and I was annoyed that someone was interrupting my dream :giggle: I may have even given the nice guy the hairy eyeball. Then I was looking around & 5 people were surrounding me, they had erected a screen (so that no one else would see the drama), and were fanning me. I must have been out for quite awhile (usually, I get horizontal [mostly by falling to the ground] and blood rushing to my head and I wake up within seconds). Stupid lady - next time she'll believe me!
     
    After consuming 3 small cups of ginger ale and a donut (no cookies!!! what a rip off!), I felt good enough to walk to my office. After sitting down for about 15 minutes, all of the ginger ale and donut and some of my lunch ended up in my trash can. I've never not been able to make it to the restroom when I felt nauseous. I had a good breakfast & lunch and still fainted and puked. What a terrible day! I slowly packed everything up and drove home (I had the only car, so Bob couldn't exactly come get me). I couldn't even drink water at home because my stomach felt terrible.
     
    Today is much better!
  13. justsurviving
    Well, we are back in VA and trying to get back into the swing of things after the marathon that was the PT study. I have decided to do my best to continue to actively participate in my recovery (I think I pretty much gave up there for a little while) and have a schedule of activities for 6 days a week. It's no great shakes exactly, but I want to get back into shape and I have to create that path, not wait for it to magically appear. Hence, (I never get to use that word!) on M, W, & F, I will bike or walk/jog for an hour and concentrate on thigh adductors and abductors (25 inner leg raises, 25 outer leg raises for both legs) and on T, Th, & Sat I will focus on quadriceps, hamstrings, and abdominals (25 knee-ups, 25 hamstring curls, 25 top abs, 25 right side abs, 25 left side abs, 25 lower abs).
     
    While still on my 'PT high', I used my newly acquired tiptoe skills to scare Bob. He was in the extra bedroom/office setting up his computer when I tiptoed in and goosed him. He yelped loudly and pushed his chair backward which resulted in the wheels of his chair to roll over my unaffected foot. No broken bones but it shredded my toes (beautiful bruises and scabs)! FYI - totally worth it!
     
    Finally, if you would like to see me 'cross' the finish line, Bob graciously posted the video of it on YouTube at
    . :roflmao:
  14. justsurviving
    Bob & I brought pizza in to the lab an hour early as a thank you. Mmmm...Mellow Mushroom pizza!
     
    I brought up my concerns from yesterday, but the lead therapist didn't catch the clue so I said straight out - 'what you said is offensive' and then she got it. While she put it off to 'a poor choice of words' I think she understood the issue.
     
    Hour 1 - back on the treadmill. Surprisingly, the top harness was a little too loose and had to be tightened up before the jog. 20 minutes at 3.2 mph. 2 min at 4.4 mph. Rest. 1 min at 4.6!! Rest. 1 min at 4.6!! Rest. Finish strong with 1.5 min at 4.6!! I really pushed at the end. I aim to finish as strong as I started and boy howdy did I! I feel great about it. There were other therapists that balanced out the lead and really gave me encouragement. The last push was celebrated by having me 'run through' a finish line (they wrote Finish Line on toilet paper and broke it across my chest). I felt strong and awesome.
     
    Hour 2 - outside, walking forward in bumpy grass. Walking backward same area. Walking side to side same area. Fast walking around an obstacle course with a ball thrown to me for me to throw back (distraction). Leg strengthening by having one foot on a curb and slowly lowering opposite foot to ground - 2x each leg. Bench (6") work with me stepping up and down, then stepping up and over, then stepping backward. Tough stuff!
     
    Hour 3 - inside, balance ball work - throwing a ball to someone and someone else giving the ball I was sitting on perturbation (nudging it randomly). Crunches on the balance ball. Wii fit exercises - yoga balancing - Half Moon pose, Warrior pose, Standing on one leg and bringing the opposite leg in pose. Theraband exercises - Planterflexion, Dorsiflexion, Eversion, Inversion.
     
    What a great finish for this program. I feel really good about it and would recommend it to any stroker as it is customized and the benefits are incredible.
     
    As I am leaving the program, there is a double stroker coming in - he had a hemorrhagic stroke to his brain stem and 4 months later an ischemic stroke to the right sphere. I predict he will be able to walk without his walker by the end. (he is a year out from his last stroke)
     
    I noticed that as new strokers (I count anyone under 2 years), there is a huge need to tell your story. I remember that well. I no longer have that urge, thankfully although it is still my favorite topic to discuss, probably because I am so well-versed!
     
    I am so excited to get back home and into a comfortable bed and familiar surroundings.
  15. justsurviving
    I just finished reading My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor. She is a neuroanatomist who is a spokesperson for the 'Brain Bank' at Harvard University (www.drjilltaylor.com).
     
    There are a couple of things that I liked about this book - 1) she really slowed down and seemed to record everything as the stroke occurred to her. While I have a good memory of what happened during my stroke, hers has detail that is interesting to read about. 2) She provides detail that, while scientific in nature, is related well to the reader in the book. 3) She has a great way of advocating for the stroker in her hints at the end of the book.
     
    There are just as many things that I didn't like about this book - 1) she gets really touch-feely and new-agey that was weird and distracting (e.g., 'we are all energy in the universe and are at one with the flow of life' kind of stuff). I just don't have much patience for this nonsense. 2) All of the ridiculous 'we are the world' topics took away from the message in her book. 3) Finally, she really romanticized stroke. This bothered me like nothing else. Maybe since she is so far removed (it was 12 years ago and she considered herself fully recovered at the 8 year mark) and fully recovered that she thinks it appropriate to 'wish everyone had this experience' (I am paraphrasing in all of my quotes). She has forgotten what it was like to recover and really be in the thick of it.
     
    I can't possibly stress how dangerous romanticizing stroke can be. It's not like someone can then say 'cool, I want a stroke' and have one by wishing for it, but it will influence people negatively "oh, you had a stroke? you are so lucky" or not treat stroke as the medical emergency that it is.
     
    I originally heard about her from a coworker. I emailed her as a way to connect and say 'hey, we were both young when we stroked, do you have any suggestions for recovery?' and her reply was a very curt 'buy my book - it has suggestions in it'. I should have known then not to buy the book. The recovery suggestions were worthless to me, in every way, shape, and form.
     
    Overall - I didn't like the book but it made me aware that I can donate my brain to the Brain Bank at Harvard University which I will look into.
     
    So, take that review for what it is worth ($.02 seems about right to me) - I won't be buying anything else from her as I consider her to be unrealistic and a bit of a stroker fraud.
  16. justsurviving
    How odd - 1/2 of me is really, really, really excited that this is almost done and 1/2 wishes this could continue because I see and feel the benefits.
     
    Today, I was assigned someone who I had on Day 2 - when I was really frustrated and almost walked out. I don't know what it is about her - I like her but I constantly fight with her in my head. I couldn't put my finger on it until today.
     
    #1 - she told me that she is having me do some stuff because "strokers don't want to do it" which made my red flag peak. She thinks that we just 'don't want to do stuff'. I was honestly struck speechless. I think she treats me as though I simply just haven't wanted to do stuff rather than reality which is that no one has been able to help me a) identify the issue and b) create a program that addresses it appropriately.
     
    #2 - she really likes to analyze and point out all the deficits. One at a time is doable, having each and every deficit told without some type of success is not only exhausting mentally and a blow to the ego, it is counterproductive and defeating.
     
    Okay, enough with that - clearly I survived today (although nothing of much interest happened so I will keep it brief).
     
    Hour 1 - strap on and strap in. 3.2 mph for 20 minutes. A 2 minute burst of 4.4 mph for a jog. Reprieve. Another 2 min at 4.4. After that one, I felt lightheaded so they loosened the chest harness so that I could breathe easier. Whew! A 3rd session of 2 min at 4.4. 10 minutes at 3.2 walking speed. As a finale, 5 minutes at 3.8 so that it is a really fast walk. The primary person stepped behind me to keep me on the treadmill but she often held my hips so that walking was difficult (try to walk without moving your hips!). And - Done.
     
    Hour 2 - hallway walking because my 'push-off' is weak - the point where the toes push off to propel the foot forward in the walk. Then, outside for some bench work - as quickly as possible, touching my toes to the bench (6") one at a time. My leg is pretty good, but my ankle is stiff and terrible. Then the rope ladder is laid out and I need to high step into each 'box', then quicker, then backwards, then sideways, then quicker. At the stairs, she said "you're getting a little better" & I said "you sure are stingy with your compliments!" So, she got silly and told me how I have improved tons and tons and tons. I like her, don't get me wrong. I just don't think PT is really for her if she can't work up some empathy and/or understanding for the patients.
     
    Hour 3 - inside. Balance work with my feet touching each other and having a basketball thrown at me for me to catch and throw back. Then the same with a medicine ball with feet in a semi-tandem stance (one foot in front of the other so that they are just barely not touching and the front hee'ul is just a little offset from the back toe). Same thing in a tandem stance (hee'ul toe). Same thing in a lunge. Then tandem walking while swinging the medicine ball from side to side to challenge the balance.
     
    Done.
     
    I'm sorry that this is a grumpy post. I'm even posting this 2 hours later & I'm bugged by today's session.
     
    ~sigh~ Tomorrow's the last day, so there's that, right?
  17. justsurviving
    The home stretch!
     
    Hour 1 - the usual, strap in the harness, tether to the treadmill. 20 min of 3.2 mph. 10 min at 12% incline (whew!). 10 min at 10% decline (a little scary, in my opinion). 3 sets of 2 minute jogging intervals without assistance. 1 set of fast walking without assistance and focus on hee'ul strike. At one point during the jog, I have 1 person saying 'hee'ul, hee'ul, hee'ul' to remind me to focus on the heel strike. Then there is another person saying 'remember to swing your arm' - it got too crazy and I finally said 'pick one because I can't do both' & they said heel strike. I can focus until one is second nature but I can't focus on both easily.
     
    Hour 2 - inside, step aerobics practice. Fun but weird since everyone is just watching one person step up, down, & all around and it is tiring!
     
    Hour 3 - balance practice on the balance ball. Good balance practice. Then on to the Wii fit. I think we might get one of these. I tried to soccer ball one that makes you lean from side to side to either hit the ball with your head *OR* avoid cleats and panda heads(!!). I also did the slalom one where you have to lean to make it through the flags - toughie! Then we finished up with the yoga Wii exercises doing Warrier Pose and Half Moon. I scored pretty well with these & was proud given the effort I put in.
     
    I was talking to Bob before the session and realizing how these sessions are bringing back some hard memories. I had bad PT experiences for the first year or so. I had therapists ask me to do things that were not correct such as doing a squat keeping the back completely perpendicular to the ground. This hyperextends the knee and is incorrect (the correct position is to stick your butt out as though you are sitting in a chair and squat down keeping your knees above the foot and not to extend beyond the toes). And, really, PT sessions are tough on the ego anyway - pounding in what I can't do. I realize that I am improving and PT is the reason for it, it is just difficult to realize what I can't do now that I used to be able to do BS (before stroke). It seems as though every time I accept that I will have to work on one thing, another is pointed out.
     
    I realize how pitiful that sounds. I'm okay with that. It's simply tough to have these things in your face A LOT.
  18. justsurviving
    I was sore all weekend - hamstrings, quadriceps, abductors, adductors, calf - you name it, it was sore! Trying to stand and sit was probably amusing to watch - it was ginger up and down with a lot of upper body grasping to help.
     
    My muscles were finally all happy, relaxed, and groovy & they forgot about the return to torture today!
     
    Hour 1 - the usual. Harness on, tethered to treadmill, walking at 2.5 mph to start and 3.2 for a good pace. The usual now includes 2 minute intervals of jogging. The upper harness is really tight so 2 min is about all I can do for the amount of oxygen I am able to exchange. I went through the first jogging interval without assistance, the second one included a PT trying to correct my foot for eversion, supination, and heel strike (fixing so my foot doesn't point out and land on the outside - getting it to have first contact with heel which is normal). That is tough, tough work. To have someone attach themselves to your foot while you are trying to jog adds workload, distraction, and increases the right foot's tendency to compensate for what the left foot is going through. Out of 4 intervals of 2 min jogging, left foot assistance 3 times. Whew! I was sweaty!
     
    Hour 2 - outside. Throwing balls between 3 people with me in the middle and 2 people throwing to me alternatingly (I know, that isn't a word, but I don't want to reconstruct the sentence, sue me). Throwing a frisbee so that I have to reach and try to 'rush' to the ball. I put rush in quotes because I can't really rush too much, when I am trying to rush or when I am anxious, I get a lot of tone in my whole left side (arm included). They tried to make me rush anyway but I think that is a long-term project, not a short-term possibility.
     
    Hour 3 - still outside, on the gravel, tandem (hee'ul toe) walking forward, then backward, then backward with my eyes closed, then forward with my eyes closed. Walking up a very steep hill (dirt, clumps of grass, and some landscape netting) and walking back down 6 round trips. Go inside for some big ball balancing - sitting lifting one leg while balancing for 15 seconds, then other leg for 3 times each leg. Laying back on the ball and lifting one leg for 20 seconds, 3 times each leg. Crunches on the ball - 3 sets of 10 reps each.
     
    I'm not nearly as exhausted as last Friday or Thursday, but I definitely feel as though I got a workout.
     
    On a side note - there are other improvements that I have noticed. I feel mentally healthier. Whether it is because I am improving or because I am being challenged in a different way, I don't know. But I like it. I feel like I have more confidence and I feel as though things are possible now. Before this, I felt as though little things either wore me out or I just didn't feel as though they were even possible (e.g., making a quick trip into the apartment or store).
     
    This makes me a better person - for myself and to be around. I will definitely think about ways to maintain this when we get back home.
  19. justsurviving
    Sorry about the delay of posting.
     
    After the demanding Day 5, I was feeling a little weak on Day 6 but ready to go!
     
    Hour 1 - the usual. Harness securely up my butt, and desperately squeezing my hips and ribs together. On the treadmill. No assistance whatsoever. This thrills me and makes me curious. How has my foot learned so quickly? I'm sure that the procedure of strapping into the harness and getting onto the treadmill has conditioned my foot how to behave so I asked the PI (primary investigator of the research project) how they measured transfer of training (what measures are being used to ensure that the treadmill training will take once the harness is removed and I am 'in the real world' so to speak). There is a long mat (12') that I walked across for the pre-test measure that will test this. Anyway, back to the treadmill. No foot or hip assist. 25 minutes of walking at a good clip (3 miles/hour). I have a firecracker for a primary PT on Day 6 (there is a different one every day) so she pushes me as asks if I am ready to jog. What the heck, right? So, with someone standing behind me, just in case and lifting the harness by taking 30% of my body weight (atomic wedgie once again!!), she cranked up the speed to 4.5 miles/hour. I'm still supinating and everting so they encourage me to lengthen my stride so that a heel strike is more possible. I try and try but get worn out pretty quickly. At 2 min into the jog, I ask for it to be slowed. Speed is reduced to 2.5 miles/hour and I get a breather. I know that I'm not in the physical condition that I used to be but I feel pretty ridiculous for quitting so early. We do this 3 more times at 2 min per jogging session. Then, THEN I realize why I pewp (just in case the real spelling is cencored) out so early - the harness is squeezing my lungs and makes me breathe very shallowly so I'm not getting to breathe deeply when jogging. I feel like less of a fool then .
     
    Hour 2 - stayed inside (stinking hot out). Focused on strength training back to back. On hamstrings (lunges) and calves (s-l-o-w-l-y raising and lowering on tip toes). The calves workout involved me holding onto a shiny silver pole on the stairs while slowly raising into a tiptoe and every so slowly lowering into a stretch. I jokingly said that the pole reminded me of my college days there was a shocked gasp or two and a few giggles which is what I was going for. Okay, so also did a silly 'carpet roller blading' thing that was really hard - strapped slick plastic to my feet, while keeping in full contact with the floor, take long strides without a) falling over or b) losing contact with the floor. Someone has a grip on me from behind and someone in front at all times so that I don't fall over.
     
    Hour 3 - inside. Balancing - while standing on a big inflated half ball thingy (sorry for my loose terms, I don't know the technical terms for these things), one person throws a ball on my left side. When I throw it back, I count and another person throws a ball to me on my right side, I throw it back and then the left one throws - on and on. Combining balance with distraction and some cognitive activities. Whew! Well, we can't leave that as it is, so we make it harder! One foot on one inflated disk and the other foot on a different inflated disk - the same activity repeated. This one is tougher because the unaffected leg can't help stabilize the affected leg like on the one big inflated half ball thingy. I count up to 22 without dropping a ball. I'm very proud of myself . Then, sitting on a big yoga/pilates exercise ball, perturbation from behind (random tapping to try to make me fall over but making me balance) with another person hitting a balloon to me & I am to hit it back and count. Good core exercise!!
     
    4:00 and we jet the heck out of there! I met a good friend of mine that I haven't seen in at least 5 years. On the way there, I almost puke in the car. We had to pull over so that I could gather myself. I only had a salad for lunch in preparation for the dinner I planned to have. Well, I didn't have enough carbs or calories to handle the 3 hour workout I just had so we stop to get some baked chips. My stomach is settled so we meet up with my friend and we go out for good food and maybe a glass of wine and a couple of beers (liqueur before beer and all). I fell into bed at 10:30 but still can't just oh-so-easily fall asleep. Asleep around 12:00 or so. I still need plenty of sleep for my brain to retain and make all of the connections we are throwing at it so I slept until 9 am. Looking forward to the weekend and 2 day break. My legs are killing me today - standing and sitting are painful.
  20. justsurviving
    Okay, people, Day 5 has arrived
     
    Deep breath - halfway through after today!
     
    I had a terrible time sleeping last night so I was a little concerned today. Bob woke up at 1:30 am and was futzing around so I thought it was time to get up. Nope, he told me - only 1:30 am, go back to sleep. It took me over 2 hours to go back to sleep. Yuck. I remember thinking 'not much time has passed so I'll just peek at the clock - 3:30 am, drat!' I think I convinced myself to relax and finally go back to sleep shortly after peeking at the clock.
     
    Hour 1 - no help at all with foot or hip. Did you read that right? You sure did! NO HELP!! So 20 min forward at varying speed. 20 min on decline combined with ball toss to distract me to see if it is a fluke that I am concentrating so hard or if it is really taking. 20 minutes really slow with really steep incline and obstacles (pool noodles in my path). Then...THEN - flat with speed ramped up so that I started jogging. Seriously - jogging!!! I actually got an ovation I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't replicate the heel strike that I had gotten so good at but I DID IT!! I got pretty darn sweaty too .
     
    Hour 2 - outside for some work on a low bench (~6" height). Quickly putting toes on bench and switching feet up, standing on the bench while s-l-o-w-l-y lowering one leg until the heel hit the ground (2x each side), then batting around a birdie with rackets, riding a scooter (working on balance and heel strike).
     
    Hour 3 - inside. Balance ball work - lifting one leg and holding for 30 seconds. 2x each leg. Rolling down on ball so that hips and upper back is on the ball, lifting one leg and holding for 20 seconds. 2x each leg. Sitting on balance ball and holding 3 lb weight in hands with arms straight in front of me out for 1 min. 4 times. Using exercise bike training foot to dorsiflex while on pedal.
     
    Although Day 4 was mentally exhausting - today was physically draining. But I did it!!
  21. justsurviving
    Holy moly - today exhausted me to the point where I actually had to take a nap & I am not a napper. Although, I slept terribly last night too...
     
    Hour 1 - the treadmill. Reduced weight lifted on harness to 5% (that means I have 95% of my body weight), walked with minimal assistance on foot and hardly any hip work at all for 20 min. Turned around and walked on decline for 20 min. Turned back around and walked on incline at a good clip for 20 minutes. 10 minutes of 'obstacles' - one person on right and one on left with pool noodles. Every so often one would get placed in the path of the corresponding foot & I was to step over it without a) losing balance, b) pronating (rolling foot to the outside), or c) everting (walking like a duck [opposite of inverting which is pigeontoed]).
     
    Hour 2 - outside. On the grass: Grapevines to the left for 30 feet (feet shoulder width, cross left leg behind right, step right leg out, cross left leg in front of right) and grapevines to the right for 30 feet. Side squats (step to the left, squat, feet together, another step to the left, squat) to the left for 60 feet, side squats to the right for 60 feet. On the gravel: tandem walking forward (hee'ul toe) 20 feet, tandem walking backward 20 feet. Stair work walking one step at a time heel strikes up 2 flights, walking one step at a time heel strikes down 2 flights.
     
    Hour 3 - inside. Wii fit balancing for 15 minutes. Lunges on a air filled oval ball thingy with left foot on ball, lunges with right foot on ball. Theraband working dorsiflex, evert, invert, and I forget the name for the opposite of dorsiflex (pushing foot down rather than pulling up). Walking on tiptoes down 2 halls, walking on heels down 1 hall.
     
    We stopped by a drugstore and Bob bought a sphygmomameter (sp - blood pressure machine) because his blood pressure drops at night making his hands tingle. I hope it is nothing - we don't need 2 health concerns in such a short time frame.
  22. justsurviving
    Wow! What a difference.
     
    Bob & I talked about Day 2 at length (I so very nearly walked out completely) and decided to address it in a friendly and hopefully helpful way.
     
    I wanted to get 2 points across: 1) Although I am high functioning - this is a blessing and a curse. The benefit is that they can see what a stroker can accomplish. The cost is that they expect A LOT out of me. I am still brain damaged & have deficiencies. 2) I can only truly focus and concentrate on one thing at a time. To have 4 or 5 people in my ear talking to me about at least that many things if not more, becomes overwhelming and nothing positive comes out of it. The lead therapist really heard what I said and applied it today.
     
    I feel great & have so much hope now. I know that I can be a little fragile about that kind of thing. If I don't hear anything positive for too long, I become convinced that nothing I am doing is good or right. I don't like that about myself, but if I recognize it then maybe I can handle it better.
     
    So, about today's therapy session:
     
    Hour 1 - the treadmill. 20 minutes walking forward with foot assistance. 20 minutes with a decline (I turn around and the treadmill reverses direction so I am walking forward and they raise the incline so that I am walking with a decline - hope that makes sense.) 20 minutes with an incline (I turn around again so that now I am walking uphill & still walking forward).
     
    Hour 2 - outside walking on unpredictable and uneven surfaces (grass and then gravel). A lot of walking but it is increasing my confidence in my ability to walk pretty much anywhere. Some side stepping, walking backward, stairs.
     
    Hour 3 - back inside for some foam cushion balancing, theraband, tandem walking (hee'ul toe) forward and backward, balance balls a little.
     
    To clarify - this is *my* therapy. Everyone has one customized for their individual ability so I don't believe that I am giving anything away by describing it here.
     
    I HAVE RENEWED HOPE!! :Clap-Hands:
  23. justsurviving
    Boy oh boy was I sore this weekend! Day 1 was on a Friday so I got 2 days to recover & I needed it! You name it & it was sore. Bob & I went to check out the Congaree park near here. It has a 2 mile loop of boardwalk mounted above the swamp. I made it 1/2 an hour and my leg was threatening to give out on me so we turned back.
     
    So, today was Day 2. Hour 1 - that treadmill. One person messing constantly with my foot and one person standing behind me (straddling the belt) to 'correct' my hips. I got really frustrated. The hips person kept trying to hold my hips still & straight forward - try walking like that, it is hard and frustrating. The foot person grabbed my foot, turned it inward (my foot keeps trying to 'duck walk') and when she was looking away would make me almost pigeon-toed. Also impossible to walk that way. I got really really upset and frustrated by the end. I was trying so hard. By the end, I'm not proud to admit that I was just focusing on fighting the pigeon-toed and trying to be able to sway my hips so that I could walk. My anger was very near the surface so I said I needed a bathroom break. I asked Bob to come with me & told him that I needed 2 minutes to vent and 3 minutes to gain a better perspective so that I didn't just walk away from the whole thing.
     
    That is how upset I was. I was glad that I recognized that my emotions were getting the better of me (right after stroke, they just overtook all rationality) and I calmed down considerably.
     
    Anyway - Hour 2 - outside for walking and focusing on 'heel strikes', steps, and baby walking lunges. Hour 3 - inside for balancing and theraband strength training.
     
    At various times, they wanted me to throw a ball around while doing something else. They don't realize that a stroker is brain damaged and may not be able to do 2 things at once. I tried to explain, but didn't feel heard.
     
    Bob noticed improvement with dorsiflexion and I think I am getting better. I noticed that, once again, more sleep is necessary for my brain to work through this and recover.
     
    Lastly, I am enjoying the accent here - the added syllable (hee'ul for heel) and the y'alls.
  24. justsurviving
    As explained previously, I qualified (by the skin on my teeth) for the Intensive Mobility Training (IMT) at the University of South Carolina in Columbia, SC. The first 2 days involves baseline measurements - balancing ability, walking, standing - the basics. Apparently I have a ceiling effect going on (high functioning) which I already knew going in to the trial. However, I gave them a challenge and plenty to work with - supination problems with my foot, week thigh adductor, weakness in my leg in general & walking problems that they were more than happy to dissect with glee.
     
    Today was the first IMT day - 3 straight hours. Hour 1 = strapping in to a harness that is guaranteed to give you an atomic wedgie that lifts 10% body weight over a treadmill. The full hour of walking on a treadmill that is 2 feet in the air included a person that is dedicated to my foot - making sure it turns in and accomplishes the heel strike instead of flopping uselessly as it has been trained to do for the past 3 1/2 years. Hour 2 = freeing the wedgie (yay!) and removing the harness, walking the halls on my heels only (the left foot was not able to completely do this) - I made all 6 people (Bob included) also walk on their heels. This has a few purposes, two of which are 1) they are included and feel what the patient (me) feels and 2) it makes me feel better about what I have to do. The third one may have some type of revenge quality to it, but I will not admit it freely! Hour 3 = everyone traipsing outside (it was beautiful) and doing balancing and strength training in the grass and on the stairs. One of the exercises involved 2 people throwing balls sequentially from different directions while I balanced on my foot. You better believe that they were on 1 foot too.
     
    I had 5 physical therapists critiquing my every move for the entire 3 hours with Bob as a lookie-loo. It was weird. Everyone feels free to touch me wherever (not there, you perv!) to help correct me. At one point, I may have had 3 different people 'helping' me. After the 3 hours, I was tired, I ached, and I was feeling every single exercise I completed or tried during the torture session.
     
    My hopes are too high. Logically, I know this but I can't help the hope in my heart. I will blog about as many days as possible as long as something interesting is happening. I will definitely report about my final day to give an overall impression and thoughts on how it helped.
     
    Stay tuned!!
  25. justsurviving
    As I was walking to my office from the center entrance where Bob dropped me off, I remembered a few of the side effects that I thought were funny even while I was experiencing them.
     
    I always thought that the swing of the arms that matches the opposite leg while walking was natural & automatic. Post stroke, I realized that my left arm just hung pretty much straight down while my right arm swung in time with my left leg while walking. I thought it looked exceedingly silly, so I set out to fix it. I put a light weight (1 lb) in my left hand and walked around the block while purposefully swinging my left arm. I realized today that it now swings naturally on its own accord
     
    Similarly, when I first started out walking on my own, I was heavily dependent on my right side since my left side was so weak. When walking up/down stairs, I gravitated toward the right side railing (which is handy enough in our society since that is the appropriate side to travel). When trying to incorporate using my left side for strengthening, I tried to use my left hand for railings. The problem with that is that I had to consciously grab the railing then think about each step with great purpose. As I moved forward, I forgot to release my left hand (again, 'normals' don't have to think about these things!). I looked pretty darn funny trying to move forward with my hand still gripping the railing. I almost ran into many a wall from this issue. Even funnier is that I had to stop moving to free up my thinking to release my hand and grip forward. I'm pretty sure I looked almost robotic "grip, step, step, release grip, regrip, step, step" over and over again. It takes A LOT of brain power to recover like that. I don't have to think about every single step any longer which is a huge relief.
     
    Moving like I am losing the race with a snail made for some amusing activity that I would have loved to have seen from someone else's perspective. When I first went back to work, I was still using a quad cane (four footed cane) with, of course, my right hand since my left was mostly useless strength- & grace-wise. To get into the building at work closest to where my office was located, you had to hold up your badge, wait for the door to click, walk forward & open the door. *This* is how my attempts went:
     
    Walk up to the badge station, let go of the cane, get my badge out of my purse, waive the badge in front of the badge box, stuff the badge back into my purse as I hear the door click, grab my cane, waddle forward, let go of the cane, reach for the door as the door clicked locked again. I did this easily half a dozen times unsuccessfully until either someone else walked up to help me or I called someone inside to help me in.
     
    I would have loved to have seen that security footage of this fiasco. I couldn't get my left hand to hold onto the badge because it had no grip & it had no strength whatsoever so I couldn't depend on it for the cane. If it wasn't so pathetic to see, I would have expected to see people giggling uncontrollably at the ridiculous plight of me going back and forth desperately trying to beat the door click. It felt like a Saturday Night Live skit. :roflmao: