justsurviving

It is okay to feel the feelings sometimes. Please let yourself just wallow in them for a set amount of time. Let yourself really delve into that bitterness, anger, and frustration. When your time is up, make a plan.

Yes, you are brain damaged, big deal - so am I. That doesn't mean anything if you fight for what you want back. Brain plasticity means that the brain cells that controlled your arm/leg/whatever are dead, but that other cells can pick up that function - you have to teach them. It is a long process.

This is a marathon, a triathlon - not a sprint. Measure out your energy and make it last. You can get whatever function you want back. You are young and can retrain other brain cells to pick up the slack of the dead ones.

You can do this!

I, too, have a Kindle (I had the original and now have the 2). I'm in love with it! I just ordered the book you recommended & look forward to a good read.

Thanks!

Apparently 'chemo brain' is well-documented and common with cancer survivors.

Hearing his story really made me understand what others felt when I stroked. I felt so utterly helpless and awful. When you are the person going through it, it is bad enough, but there is a sense of ownership (for lack of better word - brain damage!) about it.

You prove my point, Carol!!

Doc visit today diagnosed the syncope (fainting) as vasovagal syncope. Apparently common for those on the toilet.

A little embarrassed!

I hope the mirror box helps you as much as it helps people with amputations - good luck and keep us updated!

dstraugh - thanks! The unpacking will be slow and deliberate. The kitchen is in the middle of a remodel.

fking - I don't have a limp any longer but I do get tired when I run (building stamina!).

Weird. I didn't intend (nor do I see now) negativity in my post.

I also didn't compare to old me.

A friend who read this entry but is not a member emailed the following comment to me:

"I just caught up on your entries. It had been a while since I read them. It is really interesting to hear about your inner life, and as one who is not nearby, to hear about the continuing struggle with stroke recovery. My ex-father-in-law had a massive stroke in his fifties, and my aunt had a stroke in her late forties (I think) so I am not completely unfamiliar with some of the effects, just not the level of detail you have provided. It is fascinating and helpful to those of us who cannot begin to imagine what it is like. I think sometimes we forget or are oblivious to (obviously) the brain-damage or invisible side of the equation and look just at the physical impairment. Thanks for sharing such personal and perhaps vulnerable thoughts and feelings with the rest of us. Would you mind if I pass along the link to others? By the way - would love to see you guys again, so if you're ever near Raleigh, please drop in!!! And I'll be cheering for you to reach all your goals."

My BP was 84/60 when I had woke up and had rested for awhile - they decided that I was good to go. Ugh!

I don't know how long ago your stroke was, but I was angry and bitter for awhile after my stroke as well. It is all a process & I wish you speed and understanding.

Friend - when Bob was visiting me in IL, we had to go to the ER because his hands were really, really freaking him out - his BP kept falling to 66/42 or so. It was weird, but they couldn't find anything wrong with him.

Stessie - you can do it too, there is room for more strokers in this study. I am there at the same time as another stroker who is in a wheelchair & the work they are doing with him is phenomenal - there is a wide variety of people in the study & they need more people.

dstraugh - the therapy really is thorough. There are openings still...

The damage *is* in your brain and is permanent, but research brain plasticity - the point of exercising is that you can train other parts of your brain to take over the tasks that the dead part used to do. There is no point in giving up. You will meet people here who have learned to do things years after their stroke - it is all training your brain & doing it while your muscles are still strong.

Keep at it, girl! I stroked my last year of grad school & still graduated at the top!

Asha - http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showt...amp;#entry88668

I have a good recovery hint for you - try using as many things as possible with your affected hand. Including brushing your teeth, brushing your hair, using the computer mouse, your fork/spoon/knife - everything you can think of. That has helped to recover my affected arm more than anything.

Good luck to you!

Friend - it is so difficult to try to explain how much brain power it takes to recover. It felt like I was constantly making excuses so I just stopped saying anything. It took up so much brain power that I would forget things (once, Bob called to say he was at work to pick me up & I just stood up, grabbed my cane & walked out of my office. A coworker later called to let me know that my office door was open, lights on, computer on, and my purse on my desk!) It has only been within the past year that I don't have to consistently THINK about taking each step & watching so closely where I am walking & trying to time it so that my foot will step correctly. It was exhausting. I still have to do that with stairs but it is getting better.

Oooh Sue - that is a great solution, I wish I had thought of that!

I went back to work too soon - your brain truly needs the rest to recover from the assault so don't pressure yourself to wake earlier. I feel as though that, since I did that, it didn't help me recover.

I wish you the best. Having support on here is wonderful - great for you!

If I'm not tough on myself, who will be? This is the way I improve. I recognize a weakness, let myself know that it is not okay, and figure out a way to fix it.

The next step the Army wanted to take with my dissertation research was to put guns on the vehicles - the war-related research is still big on taking lives and winning...

The negotiation process is a lot like dancing - if the person is experienced and professional, the dance is smooth and graceful. If the person is a novice, the dance is clumsy and awkward. I've had both. I prefer smooth and graceful but you never know what you are going to get!

I am so glad that you have calmed. Your last post seemed so frantic and stressed. You seem more relaxed. Whatever you are doing now, keep at it. I wish you well!

I have no words for comfort, but will it help you that I giggled at the 'pubic servant' typo?

Hot Springs, the town, is *tiny* and I don't know of a natural hot spring there to go, honestly! I don't even think about it any more - it is just the name of the town.

The pine needles spell like pine but the sap or between the bark is where the sweet stuff is!

No dizzy stuff last night, so another few nights of that & hooray - it should be gone!

Spyglass - I understand that and concur with your sentiment. However, when she says things that either (a) represent strokers that is incorrect or (b) deviates from her experience to say she 'wished others could have the wonderful experience of a stroke' she is being more than just irresponsible, she is being glib and dangerous.

Interesting about the sign language - what language is she teaching? For ASL (American Sign Language), Thank you is touching the tips of your fingers of a flat hand to your lips and moving your hand down with the palm up.