justsurviving

I don't know how long ago your stroke was, but I was angry and bitter for awhile after my stroke as well. It is all a process & I wish you speed and understanding.

Well, we are back in VA and trying to get back into the swing of things after the marathon that was the PT study. I have decided to do my best to continue to actively participate in my recovery (I think I pretty much gave up there for a little while) and have a schedule of activities for 6 days a week. It's no great shakes exactly, but I want to get back into shape and I have to create that path, not wait for it to magically appear. Hence, (I never get to use that word!) on M, W, & F, I will bike or walk/jog for an hour and concentrate on thigh adductors and abductors (25 inner leg raises, 25 outer leg raises for both legs) and on T, Th, & Sat I will focus on quadriceps, hamstrings, and abdominals (25 knee-ups, 25 hamstring curls, 25 top abs, 25 right side abs, 25 left side abs, 25 lower abs). While still on my 'PT high', I used my newly acquired tiptoe skills to scare Bob. He was in the extra bedroom/office setting up his computer when I tiptoed in and goosed him. He yelped loudly and pushed his chair backward which resulted in the wheels of his chair to roll over my unaffected foot. No broken bones but it shredded my toes (beautiful bruises and scabs)! FYI - totally worth it! Finally, if you would like to see me 'cross' the finish line, Bob graciously posted the video of it on YouTube at . :roflmao:

Bob & I brought pizza in to the lab an hour early as a thank you. Mmmm...Mellow Mushroom pizza! I brought up my concerns from yesterday, but the lead therapist didn't catch the clue so I said straight out - 'what you said is offensive' and then she got it. While she put it off to 'a poor choice of words' I think she understood the issue. Hour 1 - back on the treadmill. Surprisingly, the top harness was a little too loose and had to be tightened up before the jog. 20 minutes at 3.2 mph. 2 min at 4.4 mph. Rest. 1 min at 4.6!! Rest. 1 min at 4.6!! Rest. Finish strong with 1.5 min at 4.6!! I really pushed at the end. I aim to finish as strong as I started and boy howdy did I! I feel great about it. There were other therapists that balanced out the lead and really gave me encouragement. The last push was celebrated by having me 'run through' a finish line (they wrote Finish Line on toilet paper and broke it across my chest). I felt strong and awesome. Hour 2 - outside, walking forward in bumpy grass. Walking backward same area. Walking side to side same area. Fast walking around an obstacle course with a ball thrown to me for me to throw back (distraction). Leg strengthening by having one foot on a curb and slowly lowering opposite foot to ground - 2x each leg. Bench (6") work with me stepping up and down, then stepping up and over, then stepping backward. Tough stuff! Hour 3 - inside, balance ball work - throwing a ball to someone and someone else giving the ball I was sitting on perturbation (nudging it randomly). Crunches on the balance ball. Wii fit exercises - yoga balancing - Half Moon pose, Warrior pose, Standing on one leg and bringing the opposite leg in pose. Theraband exercises - Planterflexion, Dorsiflexion, Eversion, Inversion. What a great finish for this program. I feel really good about it and would recommend it to any stroker as it is customized and the benefits are incredible. As I am leaving the program, there is a double stroker coming in - he had a hemorrhagic stroke to his brain stem and 4 months later an ischemic stroke to the right sphere. I predict he will be able to walk without his walker by the end. (he is a year out from his last stroke) I noticed that as new strokers (I count anyone under 2 years), there is a huge need to tell your story. I remember that well. I no longer have that urge, thankfully although it is still my favorite topic to discuss, probably because I am so well-versed! I am so excited to get back home and into a comfortable bed and familiar surroundings.

How odd - 1/2 of me is really, really, really excited that this is almost done and 1/2 wishes this could continue because I see and feel the benefits. Today, I was assigned someone who I had on Day 2 - when I was really frustrated and almost walked out. I don't know what it is about her - I like her but I constantly fight with her in my head. I couldn't put my finger on it until today. #1 - she told me that she is having me do some stuff because "strokers don't want to do it" which made my red flag peak. She thinks that we just 'don't want to do stuff'. I was honestly struck speechless. I think she treats me as though I simply just haven't wanted to do stuff rather than reality which is that no one has been able to help me a) identify the issue and b) create a program that addresses it appropriately. #2 - she really likes to analyze and point out all the deficits. One at a time is doable, having each and every deficit told without some type of success is not only exhausting mentally and a blow to the ego, it is counterproductive and defeating. Okay, enough with that - clearly I survived today (although nothing of much interest happened so I will keep it brief). Hour 1 - strap on and strap in. 3.2 mph for 20 minutes. A 2 minute burst of 4.4 mph for a jog. Reprieve. Another 2 min at 4.4. After that one, I felt lightheaded so they loosened the chest harness so that I could breathe easier. Whew! A 3rd session of 2 min at 4.4. 10 minutes at 3.2 walking speed. As a finale, 5 minutes at 3.8 so that it is a really fast walk. The primary person stepped behind me to keep me on the treadmill but she often held my hips so that walking was difficult (try to walk without moving your hips!). And - Done. Hour 2 - hallway walking because my 'push-off' is weak - the point where the toes push off to propel the foot forward in the walk. Then, outside for some bench work - as quickly as possible, touching my toes to the bench (6") one at a time. My leg is pretty good, but my ankle is stiff and terrible. Then the rope ladder is laid out and I need to high step into each 'box', then quicker, then backwards, then sideways, then quicker. At the stairs, she said "you're getting a little better" & I said "you sure are stingy with your compliments!" So, she got silly and told me how I have improved tons and tons and tons. I like her, don't get me wrong. I just don't think PT is really for her if she can't work up some empathy and/or understanding for the patients. Hour 3 - inside. Balance work with my feet touching each other and having a basketball thrown at me for me to catch and throw back. Then the same with a medicine ball with feet in a semi-tandem stance (one foot in front of the other so that they are just barely not touching and the front hee'ul is just a little offset from the back toe). Same thing in a tandem stance (hee'ul toe). Same thing in a lunge. Then tandem walking while swinging the medicine ball from side to side to challenge the balance. Done. I'm sorry that this is a grumpy post. I'm even posting this 2 hours later & I'm bugged by today's session. ~sigh~ Tomorrow's the last day, so there's that, right?

The home stretch! Hour 1 - the usual, strap in the harness, tether to the treadmill. 20 min of 3.2 mph. 10 min at 12% incline (whew!). 10 min at 10% decline (a little scary, in my opinion). 3 sets of 2 minute jogging intervals without assistance. 1 set of fast walking without assistance and focus on hee'ul strike. At one point during the jog, I have 1 person saying 'hee'ul, hee'ul, hee'ul' to remind me to focus on the heel strike. Then there is another person saying 'remember to swing your arm' - it got too crazy and I finally said 'pick one because I can't do both' & they said heel strike. I can focus until one is second nature but I can't focus on both easily. Hour 2 - inside, step aerobics practice. Fun but weird since everyone is just watching one person step up, down, & all around and it is tiring! Hour 3 - balance practice on the balance ball. Good balance practice. Then on to the Wii fit. I think we might get one of these. I tried to soccer ball one that makes you lean from side to side to either hit the ball with your head *OR* avoid cleats and panda heads(!!). I also did the slalom one where you have to lean to make it through the flags - toughie! Then we finished up with the yoga Wii exercises doing Warrier Pose and Half Moon. I scored pretty well with these & was proud given the effort I put in. I was talking to Bob before the session and realizing how these sessions are bringing back some hard memories. I had bad PT experiences for the first year or so. I had therapists ask me to do things that were not correct such as doing a squat keeping the back completely perpendicular to the ground. This hyperextends the knee and is incorrect (the correct position is to stick your butt out as though you are sitting in a chair and squat down keeping your knees above the foot and not to extend beyond the toes). And, really, PT sessions are tough on the ego anyway - pounding in what I can't do. I realize that I am improving and PT is the reason for it, it is just difficult to realize what I can't do now that I used to be able to do BS (before stroke). It seems as though every time I accept that I will have to work on one thing, another is pointed out. I realize how pitiful that sounds. I'm okay with that. It's simply tough to have these things in your face A LOT.

I was sore all weekend - hamstrings, quadriceps, abductors, adductors, calf - you name it, it was sore! Trying to stand and sit was probably amusing to watch - it was ginger up and down with a lot of upper body grasping to help. My muscles were finally all happy, relaxed, and groovy & they forgot about the return to torture today! Hour 1 - the usual. Harness on, tethered to treadmill, walking at 2.5 mph to start and 3.2 for a good pace. The usual now includes 2 minute intervals of jogging. The upper harness is really tight so 2 min is about all I can do for the amount of oxygen I am able to exchange. I went through the first jogging interval without assistance, the second one included a PT trying to correct my foot for eversion, supination, and heel strike (fixing so my foot doesn't point out and land on the outside - getting it to have first contact with heel which is normal). That is tough, tough work. To have someone attach themselves to your foot while you are trying to jog adds workload, distraction, and increases the right foot's tendency to compensate for what the left foot is going through. Out of 4 intervals of 2 min jogging, left foot assistance 3 times. Whew! I was sweaty! Hour 2 - outside. Throwing balls between 3 people with me in the middle and 2 people throwing to me alternatingly (I know, that isn't a word, but I don't want to reconstruct the sentence, sue me). Throwing a frisbee so that I have to reach and try to 'rush' to the ball. I put rush in quotes because I can't really rush too much, when I am trying to rush or when I am anxious, I get a lot of tone in my whole left side (arm included). They tried to make me rush anyway but I think that is a long-term project, not a short-term possibility. Hour 3 - still outside, on the gravel, tandem (hee'ul toe) walking forward, then backward, then backward with my eyes closed, then forward with my eyes closed. Walking up a very steep hill (dirt, clumps of grass, and some landscape netting) and walking back down 6 round trips. Go inside for some big ball balancing - sitting lifting one leg while balancing for 15 seconds, then other leg for 3 times each leg. Laying back on the ball and lifting one leg for 20 seconds, 3 times each leg. Crunches on the ball - 3 sets of 10 reps each. I'm not nearly as exhausted as last Friday or Thursday, but I definitely feel as though I got a workout. On a side note - there are other improvements that I have noticed. I feel mentally healthier. Whether it is because I am improving or because I am being challenged in a different way, I don't know. But I like it. I feel like I have more confidence and I feel as though things are possible now. Before this, I felt as though little things either wore me out or I just didn't feel as though they were even possible (e.g., making a quick trip into the apartment or store). This makes me a better person - for myself and to be around. I will definitely think about ways to maintain this when we get back home.

Sorry about the delay of posting. After the demanding Day 5, I was feeling a little weak on Day 6 but ready to go! Hour 1 - the usual. Harness securely up my butt, and desperately squeezing my hips and ribs together. On the treadmill. No assistance whatsoever. This thrills me and makes me curious. How has my foot learned so quickly? I'm sure that the procedure of strapping into the harness and getting onto the treadmill has conditioned my foot how to behave so I asked the PI (primary investigator of the research project) how they measured transfer of training (what measures are being used to ensure that the treadmill training will take once the harness is removed and I am 'in the real world' so to speak). There is a long mat (12') that I walked across for the pre-test measure that will test this. Anyway, back to the treadmill. No foot or hip assist. 25 minutes of walking at a good clip (3 miles/hour). I have a firecracker for a primary PT on Day 6 (there is a different one every day) so she pushes me as asks if I am ready to jog. What the heck, right? So, with someone standing behind me, just in case and lifting the harness by taking 30% of my body weight (atomic wedgie once again!!), she cranked up the speed to 4.5 miles/hour. I'm still supinating and everting so they encourage me to lengthen my stride so that a heel strike is more possible. I try and try but get worn out pretty quickly. At 2 min into the jog, I ask for it to be slowed. Speed is reduced to 2.5 miles/hour and I get a breather. I know that I'm not in the physical condition that I used to be but I feel pretty ridiculous for quitting so early. We do this 3 more times at 2 min per jogging session. Then, THEN I realize why I pewp (just in case the real spelling is cencored) out so early - the harness is squeezing my lungs and makes me breathe very shallowly so I'm not getting to breathe deeply when jogging. I feel like less of a fool then . Hour 2 - stayed inside (stinking hot out). Focused on strength training back to back. On hamstrings (lunges) and calves (s-l-o-w-l-y raising and lowering on tip toes). The calves workout involved me holding onto a shiny silver pole on the stairs while slowly raising into a tiptoe and every so slowly lowering into a stretch. I jokingly said that the pole reminded me of my college days there was a shocked gasp or two and a few giggles which is what I was going for. Okay, so also did a silly 'carpet roller blading' thing that was really hard - strapped slick plastic to my feet, while keeping in full contact with the floor, take long strides without a) falling over or b) losing contact with the floor. Someone has a grip on me from behind and someone in front at all times so that I don't fall over. Hour 3 - inside. Balancing - while standing on a big inflated half ball thingy (sorry for my loose terms, I don't know the technical terms for these things), one person throws a ball on my left side. When I throw it back, I count and another person throws a ball to me on my right side, I throw it back and then the left one throws - on and on. Combining balance with distraction and some cognitive activities. Whew! Well, we can't leave that as it is, so we make it harder! One foot on one inflated disk and the other foot on a different inflated disk - the same activity repeated. This one is tougher because the unaffected leg can't help stabilize the affected leg like on the one big inflated half ball thingy. I count up to 22 without dropping a ball. I'm very proud of myself . Then, sitting on a big yoga/pilates exercise ball, perturbation from behind (random tapping to try to make me fall over but making me balance) with another person hitting a balloon to me & I am to hit it back and count. Good core exercise!! 4:00 and we jet the heck out of there! I met a good friend of mine that I haven't seen in at least 5 years. On the way there, I almost puke in the car. We had to pull over so that I could gather myself. I only had a salad for lunch in preparation for the dinner I planned to have. Well, I didn't have enough carbs or calories to handle the 3 hour workout I just had so we stop to get some baked chips. My stomach is settled so we meet up with my friend and we go out for good food and maybe a glass of wine and a couple of beers (liqueur before beer and all). I fell into bed at 10:30 but still can't just oh-so-easily fall asleep. Asleep around 12:00 or so. I still need plenty of sleep for my brain to retain and make all of the connections we are throwing at it so I slept until 9 am. Looking forward to the weekend and 2 day break. My legs are killing me today - standing and sitting are painful.

Okay, people, Day 5 has arrived Deep breath - halfway through after today! I had a terrible time sleeping last night so I was a little concerned today. Bob woke up at 1:30 am and was futzing around so I thought it was time to get up. Nope, he told me - only 1:30 am, go back to sleep. It took me over 2 hours to go back to sleep. Yuck. I remember thinking 'not much time has passed so I'll just peek at the clock - 3:30 am, drat!' I think I convinced myself to relax and finally go back to sleep shortly after peeking at the clock. Hour 1 - no help at all with foot or hip. Did you read that right? You sure did! NO HELP!! So 20 min forward at varying speed. 20 min on decline combined with ball toss to distract me to see if it is a fluke that I am concentrating so hard or if it is really taking. 20 minutes really slow with really steep incline and obstacles (pool noodles in my path). Then...THEN - flat with speed ramped up so that I started jogging. Seriously - jogging!!! I actually got an ovation I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't replicate the heel strike that I had gotten so good at but I DID IT!! I got pretty darn sweaty too . Hour 2 - outside for some work on a low bench (~6" height). Quickly putting toes on bench and switching feet up, standing on the bench while s-l-o-w-l-y lowering one leg until the heel hit the ground (2x each side), then batting around a birdie with rackets, riding a scooter (working on balance and heel strike). Hour 3 - inside. Balance ball work - lifting one leg and holding for 30 seconds. 2x each leg. Rolling down on ball so that hips and upper back is on the ball, lifting one leg and holding for 20 seconds. 2x each leg. Sitting on balance ball and holding 3 lb weight in hands with arms straight in front of me out for 1 min. 4 times. Using exercise bike training foot to dorsiflex while on pedal. Although Day 4 was mentally exhausting - today was physically draining. But I did it!!

Friend - when Bob was visiting me in IL, we had to go to the ER because his hands were really, really freaking him out - his BP kept falling to 66/42 or so. It was weird, but they couldn't find anything wrong with him. Stessie - you can do it too, there is room for more strokers in this study. I am there at the same time as another stroker who is in a wheelchair & the work they are doing with him is phenomenal - there is a wide variety of people in the study & they need more people. dstraugh - the therapy really is thorough. There are openings still...

Holy moly - today exhausted me to the point where I actually had to take a nap & I am not a napper. Although, I slept terribly last night too... Hour 1 - the treadmill. Reduced weight lifted on harness to 5% (that means I have 95% of my body weight), walked with minimal assistance on foot and hardly any hip work at all for 20 min. Turned around and walked on decline for 20 min. Turned back around and walked on incline at a good clip for 20 minutes. 10 minutes of 'obstacles' - one person on right and one on left with pool noodles. Every so often one would get placed in the path of the corresponding foot & I was to step over it without a) losing balance, b) pronating (rolling foot to the outside), or c) everting (walking like a duck [opposite of inverting which is pigeontoed]). Hour 2 - outside. On the grass: Grapevines to the left for 30 feet (feet shoulder width, cross left leg behind right, step right leg out, cross left leg in front of right) and grapevines to the right for 30 feet. Side squats (step to the left, squat, feet together, another step to the left, squat) to the left for 60 feet, side squats to the right for 60 feet. On the gravel: tandem walking forward (hee'ul toe) 20 feet, tandem walking backward 20 feet. Stair work walking one step at a time heel strikes up 2 flights, walking one step at a time heel strikes down 2 flights. Hour 3 - inside. Wii fit balancing for 15 minutes. Lunges on a air filled oval ball thingy with left foot on ball, lunges with right foot on ball. Theraband working dorsiflex, evert, invert, and I forget the name for the opposite of dorsiflex (pushing foot down rather than pulling up). Walking on tiptoes down 2 halls, walking on heels down 1 hall. We stopped by a drugstore and Bob bought a sphygmomameter (sp - blood pressure machine) because his blood pressure drops at night making his hands tingle. I hope it is nothing - we don't need 2 health concerns in such a short time frame.

Wow! What a difference. Bob & I talked about Day 2 at length (I so very nearly walked out completely) and decided to address it in a friendly and hopefully helpful way. I wanted to get 2 points across: 1) Although I am high functioning - this is a blessing and a curse. The benefit is that they can see what a stroker can accomplish. The cost is that they expect A LOT out of me. I am still brain damaged & have deficiencies. 2) I can only truly focus and concentrate on one thing at a time. To have 4 or 5 people in my ear talking to me about at least that many things if not more, becomes overwhelming and nothing positive comes out of it. The lead therapist really heard what I said and applied it today. I feel great & have so much hope now. I know that I can be a little fragile about that kind of thing. If I don't hear anything positive for too long, I become convinced that nothing I am doing is good or right. I don't like that about myself, but if I recognize it then maybe I can handle it better. So, about today's therapy session: Hour 1 - the treadmill. 20 minutes walking forward with foot assistance. 20 minutes with a decline (I turn around and the treadmill reverses direction so I am walking forward and they raise the incline so that I am walking with a decline - hope that makes sense.) 20 minutes with an incline (I turn around again so that now I am walking uphill & still walking forward). Hour 2 - outside walking on unpredictable and uneven surfaces (grass and then gravel). A lot of walking but it is increasing my confidence in my ability to walk pretty much anywhere. Some side stepping, walking backward, stairs. Hour 3 - back inside for some foam cushion balancing, theraband, tandem walking (hee'ul toe) forward and backward, balance balls a little. To clarify - this is *my* therapy. Everyone has one customized for their individual ability so I don't believe that I am giving anything away by describing it here. I HAVE RENEWED HOPE!! :Clap-Hands:

Boy oh boy was I sore this weekend! Day 1 was on a Friday so I got 2 days to recover & I needed it! You name it & it was sore. Bob & I went to check out the Congaree park near here. It has a 2 mile loop of boardwalk mounted above the swamp. I made it 1/2 an hour and my leg was threatening to give out on me so we turned back. So, today was Day 2. Hour 1 - that treadmill. One person messing constantly with my foot and one person standing behind me (straddling the belt) to 'correct' my hips. I got really frustrated. The hips person kept trying to hold my hips still & straight forward - try walking like that, it is hard and frustrating. The foot person grabbed my foot, turned it inward (my foot keeps trying to 'duck walk') and when she was looking away would make me almost pigeon-toed. Also impossible to walk that way. I got really really upset and frustrated by the end. I was trying so hard. By the end, I'm not proud to admit that I was just focusing on fighting the pigeon-toed and trying to be able to sway my hips so that I could walk. My anger was very near the surface so I said I needed a bathroom break. I asked Bob to come with me & told him that I needed 2 minutes to vent and 3 minutes to gain a better perspective so that I didn't just walk away from the whole thing. That is how upset I was. I was glad that I recognized that my emotions were getting the better of me (right after stroke, they just overtook all rationality) and I calmed down considerably. Anyway - Hour 2 - outside for walking and focusing on 'heel strikes', steps, and baby walking lunges. Hour 3 - inside for balancing and theraband strength training. At various times, they wanted me to throw a ball around while doing something else. They don't realize that a stroker is brain damaged and may not be able to do 2 things at once. I tried to explain, but didn't feel heard. Bob noticed improvement with dorsiflexion and I think I am getting better. I noticed that, once again, more sleep is necessary for my brain to work through this and recover. Lastly, I am enjoying the accent here - the added syllable (hee'ul for heel) and the y'alls.

The damage *is* in your brain and is permanent, but research brain plasticity - the point of exercising is that you can train other parts of your brain to take over the tasks that the dead part used to do. There is no point in giving up. You will meet people here who have learned to do things years after their stroke - it is all training your brain & doing it while your muscles are still strong. Keep at it, girl! I stroked my last year of grad school & still graduated at the top!

Asha - http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showt...amp;#entry88668

I have a good recovery hint for you - try using as many things as possible with your affected hand. Including brushing your teeth, brushing your hair, using the computer mouse, your fork/spoon/knife - everything you can think of. That has helped to recover my affected arm more than anything. Good luck to you!

As explained previously, I qualified (by the skin on my teeth) for the Intensive Mobility Training (IMT) at the University of South Carolina in Columbia, SC. The first 2 days involves baseline measurements - balancing ability, walking, standing - the basics. Apparently I have a ceiling effect going on (high functioning) which I already knew going in to the trial. However, I gave them a challenge and plenty to work with - supination problems with my foot, week thigh adductor, weakness in my leg in general & walking problems that they were more than happy to dissect with glee. Today was the first IMT day - 3 straight hours. Hour 1 = strapping in to a harness that is guaranteed to give you an atomic wedgie that lifts 10% body weight over a treadmill. The full hour of walking on a treadmill that is 2 feet in the air included a person that is dedicated to my foot - making sure it turns in and accomplishes the heel strike instead of flopping uselessly as it has been trained to do for the past 3 1/2 years. Hour 2 = freeing the wedgie (yay!) and removing the harness, walking the halls on my heels only (the left foot was not able to completely do this) - I made all 6 people (Bob included) also walk on their heels. This has a few purposes, two of which are 1) they are included and feel what the patient (me) feels and 2) it makes me feel better about what I have to do. The third one may have some type of revenge quality to it, but I will not admit it freely! Hour 3 = everyone traipsing outside (it was beautiful) and doing balancing and strength training in the grass and on the stairs. One of the exercises involved 2 people throwing balls sequentially from different directions while I balanced on my foot. You better believe that they were on 1 foot too. I had 5 physical therapists critiquing my every move for the entire 3 hours with Bob as a lookie-loo. It was weird. Everyone feels free to touch me wherever (not there, you perv!) to help correct me. At one point, I may have had 3 different people 'helping' me. After the 3 hours, I was tired, I ached, and I was feeling every single exercise I completed or tried during the torture session. My hopes are too high. Logically, I know this but I can't help the hope in my heart. I will blog about as many days as possible as long as something interesting is happening. I will definitely report about my final day to give an overall impression and thoughts on how it helped. Stay tuned!!

Friend - it is so difficult to try to explain how much brain power it takes to recover. It felt like I was constantly making excuses so I just stopped saying anything. It took up so much brain power that I would forget things (once, Bob called to say he was at work to pick me up & I just stood up, grabbed my cane & walked out of my office. A coworker later called to let me know that my office door was open, lights on, computer on, and my purse on my desk!) It has only been within the past year that I don't have to consistently THINK about taking each step & watching so closely where I am walking & trying to time it so that my foot will step correctly. It was exhausting. I still have to do that with stairs but it is getting better.

Oooh Sue - that is a great solution, I wish I had thought of that!

As I was walking to my office from the center entrance where Bob dropped me off, I remembered a few of the side effects that I thought were funny even while I was experiencing them. I always thought that the swing of the arms that matches the opposite leg while walking was natural & automatic. Post stroke, I realized that my left arm just hung pretty much straight down while my right arm swung in time with my left leg while walking. I thought it looked exceedingly silly, so I set out to fix it. I put a light weight (1 lb) in my left hand and walked around the block while purposefully swinging my left arm. I realized today that it now swings naturally on its own accord Similarly, when I first started out walking on my own, I was heavily dependent on my right side since my left side was so weak. When walking up/down stairs, I gravitated toward the right side railing (which is handy enough in our society since that is the appropriate side to travel). When trying to incorporate using my left side for strengthening, I tried to use my left hand for railings. The problem with that is that I had to consciously grab the railing then think about each step with great purpose. As I moved forward, I forgot to release my left hand (again, 'normals' don't have to think about these things!). I looked pretty darn funny trying to move forward with my hand still gripping the railing. I almost ran into many a wall from this issue. Even funnier is that I had to stop moving to free up my thinking to release my hand and grip forward. I'm pretty sure I looked almost robotic "grip, step, step, release grip, regrip, step, step" over and over again. It takes A LOT of brain power to recover like that. I don't have to think about every single step any longer which is a huge relief. Moving like I am losing the race with a snail made for some amusing activity that I would have loved to have seen from someone else's perspective. When I first went back to work, I was still using a quad cane (four footed cane) with, of course, my right hand since my left was mostly useless strength- & grace-wise. To get into the building at work closest to where my office was located, you had to hold up your badge, wait for the door to click, walk forward & open the door. *This* is how my attempts went: Walk up to the badge station, let go of the cane, get my badge out of my purse, waive the badge in front of the badge box, stuff the badge back into my purse as I hear the door click, grab my cane, waddle forward, let go of the cane, reach for the door as the door clicked locked again. I did this easily half a dozen times unsuccessfully until either someone else walked up to help me or I called someone inside to help me in. I would have loved to have seen that security footage of this fiasco. I couldn't get my left hand to hold onto the badge because it had no grip & it had no strength whatsoever so I couldn't depend on it for the cane. If it wasn't so pathetic to see, I would have expected to see people giggling uncontrollably at the ridiculous plight of me going back and forth desperately trying to beat the door click. It felt like a Saturday Night Live skit. :roflmao:

I was screened (twice - one on the phone and one via web cam) for the USC Intensive Mobility Training (IMT) program and qualified! Woo hoo!! :laughbounce: Admittedly, it is bittersweet - awesome that I was accepted, a bit of a bummer that I am not as far along as I thought. I am very excited and nervous - I am going April 15 through May 1. Three hrs per day for 2 weeks with baseline testing and end of trial testing to measure improvement. Half of the stroke survivors will be in the 'control' group (I am verifying that this is the 'gold standard' group - therapy that is currently used) and the other half will be in the experimental group - IMT. According to scientific practices, the participant doesn't get to choose which group to be in, that is randomly assigned. I am crossing my fingers that I am in the experimental group & will provide updates regarding that result. USC is 6 1/2 hours away from where we live, so I am looking into long-term hotel stays. The packet of information sent by USC provided a decent list of hotels which was very thoughtful. I am so thankful that NASA has been very accommodating with this opportunity for me - I will be tele-working, taking sick time, vacation time, and possibly unpaid time off to cover this time frame. My supervisor has been very helpful and kind about the whole thing. As excited as I am about this, it is tempered by the recent news of a very good friend who was recently diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I am heartsick about this, he is so young, with very young children, & a brilliant scientist. I desperately wish I could do something for him. Anything, really. Sorry to end on that note.

I went back to work too soon - your brain truly needs the rest to recover from the assault so don't pressure yourself to wake earlier. I feel as though that, since I did that, it didn't help me recover. I wish you the best. Having support on here is wonderful - great for you!

Although the title makes it sound as though I have all sorts of badassery, I don't. The IT guy came to my office to update my office-mate's computer. While waiting for my office-mate to leave, IT guy (forgot his name) and I chatted. He started telling me about recent surgeries he has had on his spine and showed me the scars on his neck from the surgery. He has been having difficulty with numbness, pain, and temperature regulation issues. I started to relate some of my experiences/feelings with him and we compared some war stories. We both hate walking downstairs far more than upstairs (much farther fall) and we both went back to work far too early. I told him that it is frustrating to return to work prematurely - I, as well as most everyone around me, expected that I would be able to do much of what I used to do, BS (before stroke). It is a huge confidence blow to realize that you just can't. His face crumpled and he started to cry. Aw crud. I didn't mean for that to happen. I couldn't very well comfort him physically because of all the pain he is in that he just told me about. So, I just sat there awkwardly until he gained his composure. I wish I would have gotten his name so that I could offer some level of support for him. Poor guy. Whenever I would hear about someone having 'some good days and some bad days' I used to (BS) think that it was a choice. It isn't. I don't get to choose when my balance will work. I don't get to choose when my ankle will hold and when it won't. There are choices about how to handle these situations, but I don't get to choose the situations themselves. Let me guess, someone will post on here about how I can choose to be happy or not. I'm not going to respond to those people. I find it very sad and frustrating when things don't work and I'm caught off guard because they worked yesterday, I just do. I think that my CNS (central nervous system) is improving as the temperature regulation issues seem to be abating. I'm rather happy about this - warming up my left leg/foot is much easier as it doesn't allow itself to get so cold now and can warm itself up easier. I'm over the moon about this. I have always had a lower than normal body temperature (my average is 97.1) and am usually cold (which is why I loved living in FL so much!) so this is huge! YAY!! Or as Bob likes to spell it - YEY!! :happydance: Bob is in the Turks and Caicos on the Provodenciales island for a month - due back February 12th. I miss him but like that I only have myself to rely upon. I enjoy independence as much as I enjoy Bob. Thankfully, I don't have to choose! We will be going to Mexico at the end of February for his cousin's wedding - what fun!

That's right - three year anniversary today. I'm alive! I'm relatively healthy! Celebration! So, it's been a long time since I last posted - here is the latest scoop: Bob & I are moved in to our 3rd floor walk-up apartment (not entirely unpacked, of course, but moved in nonetheless!). Bob was gone for nearly a month - 1 week in Orlando for work-related stuff, 1 week in Nigeria as an invited speaker at a conference, and a little over another week in Orlando to pack & move the remainder of our stuff. He got back and left again today for 2 weeks on an 'unemployment vacation' I guess. It makes me a little nervous, I would rather he get a job and contribute monetarily but he is a hard worker and deserves a break too. I don't know how he manages it, but somehow, people find out he has moved/left a job and job opportunities arise out of nowhere - it really goes to show what an impact he has on the concrete industry! Two of the most recent opportunities include working as a regional manager for a concrete admixture company (I think), and the other is a job offer from Nigeria - he would be gone for about 6 months at a time though... I'm trying desperately not to show any preference on my part so that he takes the opportunity that works best for him. I am working full time at NASA now - I really enjoy it. The people are smarter than me (not that it is difficult to accomplish) and the projects are interesting. I hope to stay here for at least 5 years. Stroke-related info: I have a Dr. appointment today and hope to get a prescription for PT again. My goal right now is to be able to run by my 5th year anniversary. I feel as though that is do-able and realistic. Bob & I have taken to riding bikes (separate bikes, not the tandem bike) on the weekends and I am getting pretty good at riding now. My foot doesn't know entirely yet how to stay on the pedal correctly but the pressure is getting so much better (it didn't know how much pressure to alternately pedal and stay on the pedal itself since they are different pressures). Good stuff!

If I'm not tough on myself, who will be? This is the way I improve. I recognize a weakness, let myself know that it is not okay, and figure out a way to fix it.

BS (before stroke), I knew how to just casually chat with people - I had an idea of what questions to ask and was very interested in other people's lives. In my (very biased and self-centered) opinion, I have misplaced this ability. I feel as though the stroke really forced me to study and analyze everything I could or could not do. This forced self-centeredness lasted for as long as other people seemed to be more interested in me than I was in them. At first, it was very confusing. I am not a fan of having the spotlight on me. No matter how much I thought I deflected, I was still looking more inward than outward. I have become selfish and I hate it terribly. I recognized this a few months ago and am actively trying to turn it around so that my true interests are clearer. I am so interested in what others have to say but seem to lack the knack of asking the right follow-up questions. When someone else is around and they ask questions, I am forever grateful and recognize the follow-up question as 'duh, of course that is what I wanted to ask!'. I suppose I can blame a lot on the stroke. I want to. I don't want to think that I have become more selfish as a natural course of action. Bah! That would be terrible if true. I got the opportunity to visit with people who mean very much to me. When I am on my own, I want to hear about so much and forget about asking what I want to hear. Maybe this is the shy nature showing itself, not stroke or selfishness? Eh - it all sounds like shifting the blame from where it should be - squarely on me. Now that we are moving to VA (yay! Bob is moving with me!), I got to say 'see you later' to some really neat people. I was (and am) at just as much a complete loss of words to somehow show my appreciation to people who helped me in dozens of ways as I am at asking appropriate follow-up questions. My advisor didn't seem to treat me any differently BS or A.S.S. (after stroke symptoms ) and pushed me equally hard. What words can be used to show how much that meant to me?! Friend of Survivor who was interminably supportive throughout the entire dissertation progress. A simple 'thank you' seems so paltry. I hope they know somehow in their hearts.