justsurviving

Stroke Survivor - female
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    212

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by justsurviving

  1. justsurviving
    17 months. I have blogged about this before and I find it to still be true - I find myself becoming more and more aware...'waking up'. by looking back and understanding things that I didn't or couldn't at the time. I wonder if and/or when I will ever be fully aware or awake.
     
    I am coming out of the anger and bitterness that had such a tight grip on me. Bitterness at my body for betraying me, anger at myself for not getting to the hospital sooner. I feel the beginning of hope. :laughbounce:
     
    It is a great feeling. It isn't related to my ability to recover. I think it is from my psychological growth and review of my situation. My birthday was yesterday. My first birthday since the stroke that I am happy that I am alive. My first birthday as a Dr. :yukyukyuk: and I am beginning to believe that I deserve the degree.
     
    I am hopeful that my life will have a purpose.
     
    There is no possible way that I could have made it as far as I have without Bob :hug: I hope to become half of the person he is. Honest, full of integrity, caring, selfless, truly the man of my dreams (Bob, I know you are reading this - I will still get irritated at you at times, just to warn you! )
     
    There is hope and life after stroke. You couldn't have convinced me of this just months ago :nuhuh: As one of the biggest skeptics, I am here to say otherwise! :cheer:
  2. justsurviving
    When I first got out of the hospital and was a PT regular, I saw a cute little toddler trying to learn to walk and I thought "I feel your pain, sister" I truly felt connected as I tried so much to learn to walk again. A friend often told me that there is a reason that it takes children a long time to learn to walk - otherwise there would be crazed lunatics running around and into everything, without the experience of falling down and getting the hang of it. I know he was trying to tell me to be patient, but by golly patience has never been my strong point.
     
    In many ways, I have felt that I am aging again. Right now, I am in adolescence - I feel graceless and unsure what to do with my body and how to handle social situations.
     
    Being reminded on a constant basis of my limitations has pummeled my sense of self, my confidence, my knowledge of myself - I am relearning this (adolescence revisited & I didn't like it the first time around!). I am trying to determine what I can do, what I can't do, nevermind 34 years of experience.
     
    I am traveling through the second aging quickly & hope to make it to adulthood soon. With some grace, self confidence and self worth.
     
    I wake up each day changed, whether it is recognized or significant or not. The truly infinitesimally small changes are impossible to notice but to look back over the last month(s), I feel as though I have been waking up, so slowly.
     
    Here is to waking up! :beer:
  3. justsurviving
    I used to tire listening to new mothers say their child's age in months - now here I am doing it regarding my stroke!
     
    14 months. Well, the good news is that I have started to relearn rollerblading! I have even graduated from the death-grip hold on Bob to having him jog (oh-so-slowly) next to me. I still need some help when I get distracted but I am working on that. Trying to avoid dog doo is very distracting :head_hurts:
     
    I feel very optimistic!
  4. justsurviving

    Ah...a new year

    By justsurviving,

    Like many people, I am not in the midset of making specific New Year resolutions. Rather, if something needs to be changed, I prefer to attack it as it comes along instead of accepting the status quo until a meaningless date. At the end of the year, I can't help but think about what 2006 has meant to me. "Justsurving" is an apt description of the first half of the year. I think that I started to become proactive (hence graduation) once the cobwebs started to clear from my damaged noggin. They haven't cleared completely but I know it is mostly from my choice to disengage when I get overwhelmed or fearful of testing myself. I think I am concerned that if I really try to use my brain, that I will be disappointed in the results and discover that I am dumber than last year (although technically after our teens, we all are).
     
    In looking forward, I hope to spend less time on the strokenetwork. I do not want my stroke to define my life. I need to move on and experience my life with an open mind.
  5. justsurviving
    My family flew down to Florida from South Dakota last Saturday - 8 of them - for the graduation ceremony on Monday. The doctoral guests got reserved seating at the ceremony which is great for confused, small town visitors - less chance to get lost! I was so anxious, I had to find my own way to the area for the graduates (I don't do too well with that type of thing - searching & trying to walk well...), I got there almost 1/2 hour early. The staging area for the doctoral students was fairly impressive. There were sheets of paper taped to the floor that had our names on them that we were to stand on before the processional. My advisor got there about 5-10 minutes prior to the time to leave so my heart was in my throat thinking he might not make it on time!
     
    As we walked into the large arena, the pomp and circumstance music was loud and strong. It was an overwhelming feeling to be the first to walk out and sit in the first couple of rows. The rows were rather long (20-30 seats or so per row) and I am not a fantastic side shuffler so I tried to walk straight rather than shuffle. Well, that was dumb. My left leg caught on a chair leg & I stumbled. How embarrassing. At least I caught myself & could keep walking. I was the first to walk down that row so I had to go all the way to the stinking end! This was actually a blessing since when I had to walk on stage, I didn't have to do any shuffling at the most important time. I also didn't think about the fact that there were stairs - we walked single file and there was a railing so it was fine. I handed the speaker the phonetic spelling of my name and walked to the middle of the stage to him saying my name correctly (rare since it is an easy-to-mangle German name). I guess my family was very vocally excited but I didn't hear a bit of it since I was concentrating so hard on not falling :blush: . I stepped to the Dean & handed her my hood. I turned to face the audience and both the dean and my advisor placed the hood over my head for the hooding ceremony. I then thanked my advisor and walked to the end of the stage where someone (boy, I just don't remember who this guy was!) shook my hand and handed my diploma to me. I figured it was just a placeholder that said my real diploma will be mailed to me but no! He handed my real, actual diploma to me! At the end of the stage, pictures were taken and I got to walk back to my seat. No stumbling this time :Clap-Hands: .
     
    There were so many times that I fought hard to resist crying: The entrance and the hooding were the strongest. But I lost it when my advisor's wife handed me the nicest card. Darn it - I almost made it!!
     
    It felt good to see the pride in my parent's face. It was only a short ceremony that I was a part of but it was fantastic. The rest of the visit, Bob & I tried to show them around Orlando as much as possible without taxing them too much physically or monitarily. We went to Gatorland to see all of the alligators, reptiles, and birds. We went to the beach where they played in the ocean (but not Bob & I - it was too cold to play in the ocean for Floridians!). We went to Universal Islands of Adventure and went on lots of rides - I went on The Hulk, Dr. Death's Drop of Doom, Spiderman, both Dueling Dragons, and ended with The Hulk again for the grand finale! After the last ride, I got off The Hulk and was returning to family when I started having problems with my vision, faintly reminiscent of prior to my stroke. Uh oh - I called and made an appointment with the neurologist. The same reactionary neurologist that I have spoken of previously so I knew what I was in for - a spanking or at least a stern slapping of my hand.
     
    "THE HULK? YOU WENT ON THE HULK??" Poor guy. I torture him. No more rollercoasters for me. I can't tell you how sad that makes me - I am a huge rollercoaster fan & wanted to go on Shiekra (sp) at Busch Gardens in Tampa. Dang it. I have to schedule an MRI & MRA to make sure all is well. Blast. I will report the findings when they are known.
  6. justsurviving

    Working it.

    By justsurviving,

    Ah...to not have the pressures of finishing a dissertation...ah... :hahaha:
     
    It feels nice to know that I don't have that hanging over my head constantly. In its place, I have STROKE RECOVERY as the large block sitting on my shoulders that I will get to on a part time basis. As with the dissertation, STROKE RECOVERY is such a large task that it seems impossible to accomplish, I will probably avoid it intermittently but tackle it in the end and persevere. When I am not overwhelmed with the idea of it, I tend to think of it like a cold or the flu - something that I will work through and come out healthy on the other side of it. Obviously none of us know if this is possible or even a healthy way of thinking but I think that I can do it & that it will be done, someday.
     
    I recognize that it is important to be happy with one's accomplishments while being mindful and respectful of other people's continued struggles. I mull this over often as I, too, get frustrated when someone compares their TIA or mild stroke with my stroke (especially if they have no lasting or permanent effects that I continue to work through) since every stroke is different. However, I think it is ignorant to get frustrated with those who do recover with ease or with no permanent effects of their stroke because it is important to acknowledge that they are within the realm of the stroke survivor distribution. We need to include those who have died, those whose recovery have been stunted, those who get some but not all mobility back, those who have only slight but lasting effects, and those who recover fully. Along this dimension, it is also important to include massive strokes all the way to TIAs.
     
    I guess that I am saying that while we can't compare, it is important to acknowledge and include. Although I cannot possibly compare my situation to that of someone who is wheelchair-bound, my feelings are and situation is all I know - I can't compare but neither can you. You can't possibly know of my struggles and I cannot know yours - as goes the human condition, wanting to share but unable to compare.
  7. justsurviving

    Thought-provoking

    By justsurviving,

    Bob & I went to see the cartoon movie "Happy Feet" - very cute with always-entertaining Robin Williams. The movie has a message about human waste in general (litter & over-farming of fish) but the thing that got me thinking most was wondering if I can dance again. I am almost scared to find out. I used to love to dance. Bob & I spent months learning the Tango and Cha-cha for our wedding. It was easy for me and so much fun. I will wait until I shed some pounds so that if I can dance, it is easier for me and if I can't, I know it isn't just because I gained weight in the last year.
     
    We went to the local Crash-A-Rama last night or as the announcer liked to say, the Craysh-uh-rahmah. The accent really cracked me up. It was tons of fun. They have school bus figure 8 races, boat trailer and camper races, compact car demo derby, and larger car demo derby. It started at 8 pm and lasted for almost 5 hours. Even though we are in Florida, it got down to the low 60's, high 50's and is such a damp cold that I was fairly frozen by midnight. It turns out that I still have temperature control problems. My affected side couldn't warm up - my good leg didn't want to touch my bad leg because of the temp differences! I was awake until 4 am because I just couldn't get warm. My affected side couldn't feel the warmth of the bed whatsoever. Bob finally woke up around 3 to help warm me up and I got warm enough to sleep finally! Eh, it was still worth it - darn fun & funny! Shewt. yeah, shewt!
  8. justsurviving

    Waking up

    By justsurviving,

    I have often thought or hear that people can't wait until they 'wake up one day and feel normal/feel better' Baloney for me! It has to be pointed out to me :blush:
     
    I was trying to talk through some parts of my dissertation with Bob the other night and he started to get this little grin on his face...I don't have much humor when it comes to my dissertation so I asked him what he thought was just so darn funny about my study? He straightened up and said 'nothing, nothing at all.' Later, when we were going home for the night, he asked me if I remembered when (pre-stroke) I used to get to talking and gesturing all together and he would grasp my hands to shut me up. I told him that I remembered, thank you very much. He said that he was smiling because it was the first time that he noticed that I was gesturing and my left hand matched my right, without any delay or awkwardness. Awww....thanks, honey! Thank you for pointing it out, sometimes I need that.
  9. justsurviving
    Part 1:
     
    To get some exercise in, I have decided to ride my bike in to work 2 days a week or more. Due to doctor's appointments last week, I rode on Thursday and Friday. Since the university was closed on Friday but I still planned to go into work, I left later than usual. Traffic was much easier to deal with. I ride from our small development along the sidewalk to a local park with a bike path. At the park, there are posts/ballards (large PVC pipe filled with concrete) to prevent cars from entering the bike path near the YMCA. They are set about 5 feet apart and I weave in between them to shorten the biking distance. At least that is the plan...
     
    On Friday, I went to weave between the posts but noticed a car on the street coming toward me. With my attention diverted and slightly spooked, I cut it too close to the post and caught my handlebar. This throws one to the ground very quickly. I had been clipping along at a pretty good speed too. I don't remember crashing but I know I did. A couple people asked if I was okay. I convinced them that I was but I didn't want to get up - I just want to relax and sleep for a little while. However, I got up and checked out my bike - the chain was off the gear and stuck betweeen the gear and the bike. I called Bob & told him what had happened, he decided to pick me up for lunch so that we could figure out what to do.
     
    He was 1/2 hour away so I had some time to assess damage and discovered a really scraped up elbow and knee and I broke my helmet (thankfully I was wearing one!!). I also started confusing reality with, well...not so much reality like my dream from the night before, thinking I had done things that I hadn't and whatnot. I must have really shaken my brain bucket but hard, huh?! :bop:
     
    Bob fixed my bike, took me to lunch and dropped both me and my bike off at work so I could 'get back up on the horse' again. My ride home was unremarkable. I even decided to weave between the posts so that I knew that I could do it again. My neck was very sore on Saturday which, of course, concerned me so we stopped by a "Doc in the box" (CentraCare). The doctor seemed completely unfazed that I had a stroke secondary to a carotid artery dissection and dismissed me after listening to my neck and not hearing any problem. Whew! :party:
     
    Part 2:
     
    Speaking of 'getting back up on the horse again' - Bob & I signed up for the race that I was in last year when I stroked & we were decked out with our strokenet wristbands & I wore my Stroke Survivor shirt. Bob ran the 10k that I was to run last year & I ran/walked the 5k since I'm not yet ready for a 10k. This means getting up at 6 am and leaving by 6:30 to get there by 7 so that Bob can warm up and stretch. We were late AND got lost - Bob didn't have much time at all to warm up or stretch but ran a good run at 54:39 I AM SO PROUD OF HIM :wub2:
     
    The 10k started at 7:30 and the 5k (what I ran) started at 9:15 so I napped in the car while he ran :gleam:
    Then, we walked to the starting line of the 5k and he ran/walked it with me - saying that I ran it is embelishing to say the least - I jogged for a few minutes until my ankle got sore and walked, then ran and walked, ran a little more and walked until the 3 mile mark - then I ran it in. While finishing up, we recognized a few of the spectators - quite a few of the spectators! Many friends met us at the end to cheer us in! This really upped my adrenaline and made me sprint to the finish line :bouncing_off_wall: I did it! I put that race to shame (well, with horrible time at 54:54) that beat me last year - yay!!
  10. justsurviving
    Yesterday was the biggest day of my academic career. It was my final dissertation defense. When I get really stressed out, I get a bit flaky (pre-stroke too) & I forgot my computer - WITH MY PRESENTATION - at home!!
     
    I started out the day with trying to find a nice outfit. I have gained about 10 pounds (I refuse to get on a scale right now so I guesstimate) since the stroke and couldn't fit into my suit. I fit into some fat clothes and drove off to get my hair done. My stylist is great - she is energetic, creative, great at what she does, and loves her job. She made my hair look great. I had 3 phone calls on my cell while there and finally answered the 3rd time - it was my advisor wondering where I was! I got into work at 11:30 and clarified some concerns that my advisor had. His wife was at my practice presentation and brought some concerns to me and mentioned them to him. She is awesome - brilliant, kind, and helpful. I had a donut for lunch - not nutritious but I was nervous about leaving and not making it back on time!
     
    A good friend, Carol, had come for support and she & I were chatting while I was pacing when Bob showed up with my computer!! woo hoo - he is the best!! We went to the conference room at 1:15 pm to set up the computer and projection system and to wait for the committee. One of the members was about 15 minutes late - wringing my nerves dry!
     
    I started and made a joke about how much has happened since I last saw them for the proposal defense . During the presentation, I noticed that I was talking fast and told myself to slow down (something that I am working on for public speaking). I gave a 20 minute presentation and answered 20 minutes worth of questions. I kept expecting to be blind-sided but I could answer the questions relatively well - with more time and thought, I feel as though I could have been more thorough though, oh well :blush: .
     
    Carol, Bob, & I left to get the paperwork for the committee to sign while they decided my fate. We got back and they were ready for us - I passed. I PASSED!! Get this - I passed as presented...WITH NO REVISIONS (very rare)!!! :Clap-Hands:
     
    We went out and celebrated :beer: :cocktail:
     
    It is still very surreal and I don't feel 'doctor-ish' yet. I wonder if I ever will or if I will just get brainwashed with it eventually (if enough people call me a Dr. I will eventually believe it & feel like it?)
     
    wow.
  11. justsurviving

    Ms. Independence!

    By justsurviving,

    Wow - it has been a while since I have blogged...I will try to catch up as best as I can.
     
    - I have my dissertation defense date set - October 27 at 1:30 pm - THIS FRIDAY!! I am working on my presentation and am anxious/excited.
     
    - I went to a conference in San Francisco Mon - Thurs of this past week. I was pretty much on my own. Had my own room & handled everything by myself. I met an online friend there and it was great to see someone face to face that I have communicated with online for so long. Her screen name is MonkeyGirl but I was very disappointed to discover that she looked nothing like a monkey whatsoever. She is tall, kind, and warm. The conference was interesting and I had a good time in San Francisco.
     
    - I am continuing with PT but am getting a little frustrated with the most recent person that I have been working with - she just recently graduated and I have determined that she either (a) was barely a "C" student, (b) does know how to apply what she learned to real work, or ( c ) is simply unmotivated. She simply asks the supervisor what to do and has me do it - I don't think she understands the why behind the activities because she focuses on details of the activity that are not a part of the big picture. I will have to talk to the manager to ask not to work with her any longer. She is very nice and pleasant but that does not help me to heal.
     
    - Guess what I did yesterday (Saturday, Oct. 21, 2006)? I rode my bike all the way to work AND back - BY MYSELF!!! :Clap-Hands: :beer: :big_grin: Bob & I figured it was 6 miles one way, so I rode 12 miles yesterday - woo hoo!! :cheer: I had the best conversation in my head the entire time - "yeah you are!" was my internal response to everything my body was doing. For example:
     
    My body is biking up an incline very well & my mind says "yeah you are!"
    I was working really hard to keep going & my mind says "yeah you are!"
     
    It felt fabulous. I hope to do it at least 1-2 times a week and work really hard at it.
     
    "yeah you are!"
  12. justsurviving

    Weird stuff

    By justsurviving,

    Man alive am I sore from step aerobics class! Oddly though - the soreness is only on my unaffected side - I know I worked my affected side just as much but it doesn't seem to know when it is sore. It is a very weird thing to have one leg and butt sore and the other side doesn't seem to know a thing.
     
    I am revising the last section of my dissertation and I continue with writing issues that I have always and forever have had - I am too concise and need to expand on the topics. I find that difficult. At the same time, it is comforting to have a same problem rather than a new, stroke problem - I hope that makes sense, as weird as it is.
  13. justsurviving

    Feeling good!

    By justsurviving,

    Oh boy oh boy oh boy :big_grin: I finally have a date set for the big finale - defending my dissertation - October 27th at 1:30 pm Eastern time.
     
    Yay!!! Woo hoo!! :beer: Whenever I think about it, I get excited and anxious and nervous - feelings that together create a neat combination of *finally.* ~12 or so years of schooling to get to this point - my undergraduate education spanned 2 states, 3 colleges, and about 6 years; my graduate education also spanned 2 states, 3 colleges/universities, and about 6 years.
     
     
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
     
     
    My second reason for feeling good is that I went to step class last night. A good friend of mine teaches it and I have loved step aerobics for years. I was a self-proclaimed Step Queen!
     
    I approached last night with hesitation and caution. I didn't have any risers (the bench was flat on the floor) and still almost fell 3 times. I couldn't do much of the choreography since I can't seem to keep track of where my affected foot/leg is in space (hence the almost falls). My brain was connected and wanted so badly to keep up and do every single move but my body wasn't ready to respond. That's okay, it has also been almost a year since I have attended a step class so that may be part of it. That is what I plan to keep telling myself until I improve significantly
     
     
    Ahhhhh...to feel good again. I like it! :giggle:
  14. justsurviving
    So, the plan was for me to defend my dissertation on Friday, October 13, 2006 - my 11 month stroke-aversary and Friday the 13th!!
     
    Scheduling conflicts at the last minute have now changed that - darn it! I am trying to set up the day but getting people to respond and let me know what works is taking FOREVER! I am anxious/excited/nervous but I think I am ready.
     
    I am excited about this feeling too. I feel as though this has snapped me out of my fog. A coworker said that I seem more alert now and my advisor said that I seem 'crisp' now. That makes me feel great. Better than great - incredible. Now I just need to get it set up and rolling - waiting is the hardest part, right?
     
     
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
     
    On a separate note, I was watching something on TV and, although I don't remember what it was, something that was said really struck a chord in me. There was some type of support group and one of the people said "when I was first diagnosed, so many people came to my side, called, talked, and supported me and I felt so loved. Now that time has passed, they have pulled away and it feels like they have taken that love with them."
     
    A light went on over my head. I think that is why I have been so punky and down lately. It is an odd thing really. I didn't want anyone to treat me differently when I had the stroke, but they did. It was an amazing feeling to have people express their care. Now that so much time has passed, I am treated as 'normal' and I miss that feeling of being loved and valued.
     
    Maybe I am just an attention lover :blush:
  15. justsurviving
    I wonder about kharma (often thanks to the show My Name is Earl!). I do believe that you reap what you sow but I also wonder how we get what we deserve in other ways.
     
    I know someone who finds humor in cutting other people down, people commented that he is chauvenistic bordering on misogynistic. Whether in private or publicly, he loved to be a Negative Ned. Now he has mouth cancer. While I would never wish cancer or serious illness upon anyone, I find it somewhat fitting for him considering all of the viciousness he spewed forth. :Tantrum:
     
    Thinking of that made me wonder how appropriate my stroke was for me - in what way could I have deserved this? Because I thought people were wasting their bodies by not eating healthy and exercising (rather self-righteous of me)? Because I didn't use my body for its full potential (wasteful on my part)? Because I didn't take care of the heart situation earlier (neglectful)? Is it ridiculous to think in these terms?
  16. justsurviving

    Errors

    By justsurviving,

    I realized last night that when I am frustrated or down, I blame my stroke. Then I come here and "vent." I really do have good and great days and I need to start sharing them here so that my blog reflects more of who I am.
     
    I promise I will do just that.
  17. justsurviving

    Need techniques

    By justsurviving,

    I seem to have definite memory problems now that I didn't have pre-stroke. My previously fabulous memory is one of them. I would miss it if I remembered what it was like to have a great memory... :big_grin:
     
    I forget to take my meds, I forget appointments (2 yesterday alone!), essence of conversations that I *just* had. It goes on and on.
     
    I have to find a way to work around this problem...I have taken notes but my previous note-taking ability allowed for me to jot main thoughts to remind me & now, I look at those thoughts and wonder who's brain they fell out of.
     
    blast! :bop:
  18. justsurviving
    It isn't a particularly special strokaversary (like the year event) but I think it is important to recognize how different things are now.
     
    I am back in PT because my affected ankle is still too weak and some muscles in the calf are too atrophied to help in walking/running/balancing. Although the PT helps immensely, it is hard as well because of the initial memories of PT when I simply tried to stand and had to be toiletted.
     
    I have mentioned this before - I miss my confidence the most and I truly believe that I am getting it back slowly, oh so slowly. It is honestly the part of me that hurt the most when I lost it and the one thing that I miss the most.
     
    I have my final dissertation defense scheduled for a month from now (YIKES!!) and I discover then if I have graduated and the ceremony will be in December.
     
    Life is going on and I am hanging in there, by gosh :beer:
  19. justsurviving

    Still recovering

    By justsurviving,

    I had mentioned previously that strokes affect so much more than the physical and cognitive aspects. I had lost so much of my confidence. I think that may be changing! :cheer:
     
    Last night I dreamt that I was back at the university where I got my master's degree (I utterly hated my advisor there) and was taking a seminar class with my old advisor as the instructor. In the middle of class, he looked at me and said 'wow, you look like you have put on weight' (which I have since the stroke, thank you very much). I told him that was very rude and how rude it is to mention someone's weight and/or age. ~I used to be such a straight talker, prestroke~ Well, the other students in my lab at this university have always had a 'god' image of our advisor and were not happy that I told him he was rude (just because you have a Ph.D. does not mean you are not responsible for your comments, in my book). I just thought Good for me! He was such a jerk.
     
    It was nice to wake up and feel like I got some confidence in my abilities back. :silly:
  20. justsurviving
    Sometimes speaking in generalities lets one get something off his/her chest without having to go into detail. Of course it may also cause confusion due to the vagueness but I am willing to take that risk. :big_grin:
     
    I am tired of egos - the large, inevitably fragile ones and the ones that need to be bolstered at the expense of others.
     
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
     
    On a separate note, I know someone who used to be a salesman. The area in which he/we lived tended toward being very religious and his beliefs did not match those of his coworkers nor his customers, therefore, he became an expert at keeping his opinion/beliefs to himself while giving the impression that he agreed with others (without overtly agreeing). When it came to dealing with problems, he found silence to be a very useful tool. Unhappy customers would talk themselves out. Last night, I got the salesman treatment and I am still furious over it. I felt as though someone had agreed with me over time given our lighthearted discussions but when it came down to it and direct questions were asked, I got silence and was stunned. It hurt a lot that we apparently do not have the same ideas for the future as was presented.
     
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
     
    Last one - I know someone who will ask about something painful, however, unless there is anything interesting to him, he will drop the conversation leaving the asked person 'holding the bag' and in emotional pain. I liken it to seeing someone with a bruise, poking said bruise while asking 'where'd you get that' and leaving if the story isn't interesting enough - the asked person still has pain in the bruise from being poked!
  21. justsurviving
    I talked to my sister over the weekend and she needed to talk about her fiance's accident (I hadn't known). Apparently, they had gone to a bar and while Mike had a lot to drink (bac = .2), my sister didn't (bac = .038) - but they got into an argument in the bar. My sister decided to leave the situation & got into the truck to leave. (Let me first say that my family likes Mike very much as he is gentle and very calm.) When she got into the truck, he had followed her and during the argument, he hit her. So hard, she saw stars. She started to drive away and noticed that he was standing on the running boards along the side of the truck. She stopped and thought he got off of the truck so she took off again. At about 30-40 mph, she heard something and slowed down abruptly. He was still on the truck and her slowing down caught him off guard and he fell forward, hit the side mirror and fell to the ground. She stopped and went to his side. Someone called 911 and the EMTs were trying to get to Mike but my sister kept insisting that he was okay, just sleeping (she was in shock). There was blood everywhere. The EMTs finally got to him and took him to the hospital. He was unconscious for a few days (but not in a coma) and is now alert but is having difficulty similar to us strokers - he is unbalanced, slight aphasia, general difficulties.
     
    She is convinced that he will bounce back quickly and will be fine in no time. I take the blame for this. I know I recovered quickly and it is unrealistic and unfair to hold me up as a typical stroker/brain injury survivor. At the same time, I had a stroke and still feel the remnants of it and struggle with it. This difference tears me up. argh.
     
    I also talked to my brother this weekend. His birthday was Aug 24th and I left completely obnoxious voice mails for him about how he is sooooo OLD! (his 30th birthday) about how he is closer to 40 than 20, he is an old fart. Oh, I was ridiculously obnoxious! I finally got in touch with him this weekend and found out that although he is old, he is still virile - his girlfriend is pregnant! I congratulated the old goat heartily.
  22. justsurviving
    After taking my meds regularly once again (mostly thanks to Bob's huge reminder note on the door), I feel able, willing, almost okay (no, not content & certainly not happy) enough to deal with life once again. Better living through chemistry, huh?
     
    I'm hoping these antidepressants regulate the necessary neurotransmitters so that I can get off them ASAP. I don't like to take pills in the first place (although I always made an exception for birth control!) but I need to feel good about life. I'm sure it doesn't help to have a rollercoaster effect of on meds - off meds. My advisor claims that antidepressants should be in the city water I'm sure he is just saying that to be nice.
     
    Good news - the plans are in gear for me to graduate this semester!
     
    Explanation for those who care/want to know:
     
    For a Ph.D., I need to take all of the necessary coursework (finished that 2 1/2 years ago), take the doctoral candidacy exam (passed that 2 years - to the day - prior to my stroke, weird!), and complete the dissertation. To break that last part down, I needed to come up with an idea that significantly contributes to the field of Human Factors science, write the background literature, theory, and method of the experiment. Then I present this idea to a committee in a grueling 1-2 hour meeting in which I was questioned, grilled, and tested. The committee members then meet without me to decide if I passed the 'proposal defense' to begin the actual study. I did that in Oct 2005. Then I stroked in Nov 2005. I returned to work in a limited capacity and, thankfully, had research assistants to collect the data (91 participants). Now, I need to code the data, analyze the results with inferential statistics, interpret the statistics and write the theoretical and applied implications of the study in particular and how it impacts the field in general. Then, once my advisor deems it fit to defend as my final study, I again present it to the committee. They will meet to determine if I am a good choice as a Doctor of Philosophy.
     
    It is so easy to procrastinate because the whole thing is larger than life and hangs over my head threateningly. So I try to ignore it until I am overcome with guilt and anxiety. I work on it then get frustrated and try to ignore it once again - vicious cycle, I tell ya!
     
    Well, the pressure is on now. I have invited family and friends to the December graduation and I have privided my intent to graduate to the department. I have to get it done this semester. THIS SEMESTER!!! :silly:
  23. justsurviving
    I checked into the hospital at 9:00 am on Friday for the heart surgery. At 10:00 am, I was retrieved, completed paperwork, put in a flimsy gown (are any of them substantial?), hooked up to an IV, and hurried up to wait some more. I hadn't had any food or drink since the night before and had to be given sugar water through the IV. Finally, at 1:30 or 2:00 pm, I was wheeled into the operating room. I scooted to the table and apparently needed to do an abdominal workout before it was to begin - I sat up for some 'pads' to be stuck to my back, and laid down so that an X-ray machine could see if they were placed properly. Nope, had to sit up and lay back down three times before it was all done.
     
    I declared that I was ready for the good drugs and I don't remember a dang thing until I woke up in a cardiac recovery room after 3 1/2 hours of surgery via catheters run through 1 artery and 2 veins (one through the artery near my right clavicle and the other two through a vein in each leg) to cauterize the problematic nerve bundles. I thought that the catheters, and thus the entry points, would be small, like getting an IV needle put in. Boy was I wrong!
     
    The sites were covered with enough gauze and tape that it made walking harder and looked like I needed another cup in my bra. My first look at the sites were this (Sunday) morning and I passed out from the shock of it. We debated going to the hospital since I convulsed slightly when I fainted and decided against it since I probably just needed food. After breakfast and resting quite a bit more, I was good to go. Since I drive a manual transmission, I will be driving Bob's nice automatic Toyota Highlander once I am released to do so (Tuesday).
     
    Although the big packages of bandages are gone, the soreness remains. Most difficult are transitioning from standing to sitting or laying down. I look pretty funny like I have a corn cob shoved somewhere :blush: to ease the pain.
  24. justsurviving
    I never thought that I would have enough to say three days in a row!
     
    I got a call this morning that the doctor that will be performing the heart surgery will be out of town the week of Aug 25th (my original appointment) so the appointment had to be moved. She informed me that she rescheduled it to Aug 18th...NEXT WEEK!!
     
    So - less time to freak out *but* moving freak-out anxiety sooner too.
     
    I am nervous, worried (one possible risk is stroke - argh, I don't want another one), scared, mad that I have to do it at all and regret that I didn't take care of this 2 stinkin years ago.
     
    Anyway, in other news - Bob & I both went to the walk/run program last night. I actually walked/ran for 1 1/2 miles :Clap-Hands: I alternate pretty evenly so I probably ran for 3/4 mile and walked for 3/4 mile. I can't believe how out of shape I got in only 9 months of being more sedentary than not. whew!
  25. justsurviving
    I have decided to make this blog entry for all valid corrections and/or clarifications of previous or future posts.
     
    In order of recent valid complaints:
     
    1) Clarification: In a post long ago and far away, I said that my advisor was compassionate, sometimes to a fault. What I meant by that is some people are very compassionate and others are willing to take advantage of that compassion. It was not meant in any way as a negative, only that some people are opportunistic in that regard.
     
    2) Correction: Yesterday I posted in regard to my husband, Bob, "apparently I have plumped up too much for his taste." I posted this in jest because he has shown nothing but love no matter my weight & I was the one to actually sign us up for the walking/running program. I'm sorry that he took it personally & didn't see the humor (inside jokes don't come off as well in writing, I guess!).
     
    More to come, I'm sure :blush: