justsurviving

I had similar symptoms while coming off Effexor - it lasted almost a month for me & it just got better or at least more tolerable over time. Good luck & keep us updated.

I recognize that but refuse to limit "living my life" I really enjoy rollercoasters and if the MRI & MRA are fine, I may reconsider the never riding again rule. I find it difficult to take the neurologist seriously considering the strong reaction he had when I could skip again. In truth, I plan to skydive sometime. That is me & I don't want to give me up yet. I may curb me later but I feel too young to do it yet.

My family flew down to Florida from South Dakota last Saturday - 8 of them - for the graduation ceremony on Monday. The doctoral guests got reserved seating at the ceremony which is great for confused, small town visitors - less chance to get lost! I was so anxious, I had to find my own way to the area for the graduates (I don't do too well with that type of thing - searching & trying to walk well...), I got there almost 1/2 hour early. The staging area for the doctoral students was fairly impressive. There were sheets of paper taped to the floor that had our names on them that we were to stand on before the processional. My advisor got there about 5-10 minutes prior to the time to leave so my heart was in my throat thinking he might not make it on time! As we walked into the large arena, the pomp and circumstance music was loud and strong. It was an overwhelming feeling to be the first to walk out and sit in the first couple of rows. The rows were rather long (20-30 seats or so per row) and I am not a fantastic side shuffler so I tried to walk straight rather than shuffle. Well, that was dumb. My left leg caught on a chair leg & I stumbled. How embarrassing. At least I caught myself & could keep walking. I was the first to walk down that row so I had to go all the way to the stinking end! This was actually a blessing since when I had to walk on stage, I didn't have to do any shuffling at the most important time. I also didn't think about the fact that there were stairs - we walked single file and there was a railing so it was fine. I handed the speaker the phonetic spelling of my name and walked to the middle of the stage to him saying my name correctly (rare since it is an easy-to-mangle German name). I guess my family was very vocally excited but I didn't hear a bit of it since I was concentrating so hard on not falling :blush: . I stepped to the Dean & handed her my hood. I turned to face the audience and both the dean and my advisor placed the hood over my head for the hooding ceremony. I then thanked my advisor and walked to the end of the stage where someone (boy, I just don't remember who this guy was!) shook my hand and handed my diploma to me. I figured it was just a placeholder that said my real diploma will be mailed to me but no! He handed my real, actual diploma to me! At the end of the stage, pictures were taken and I got to walk back to my seat. No stumbling this time :Clap-Hands: . There were so many times that I fought hard to resist crying: The entrance and the hooding were the strongest. But I lost it when my advisor's wife handed me the nicest card. Darn it - I almost made it!! It felt good to see the pride in my parent's face. It was only a short ceremony that I was a part of but it was fantastic. The rest of the visit, Bob & I tried to show them around Orlando as much as possible without taxing them too much physically or monitarily. We went to Gatorland to see all of the alligators, reptiles, and birds. We went to the beach where they played in the ocean (but not Bob & I - it was too cold to play in the ocean for Floridians!). We went to Universal Islands of Adventure and went on lots of rides - I went on The Hulk, Dr. Death's Drop of Doom, Spiderman, both Dueling Dragons, and ended with The Hulk again for the grand finale! After the last ride, I got off The Hulk and was returning to family when I started having problems with my vision, faintly reminiscent of prior to my stroke. Uh oh - I called and made an appointment with the neurologist. The same reactionary neurologist that I have spoken of previously so I knew what I was in for - a spanking or at least a stern slapping of my hand. "THE HULK? YOU WENT ON THE HULK??" Poor guy. I torture him. No more rollercoasters for me. I can't tell you how sad that makes me - I am a huge rollercoaster fan & wanted to go on Shiekra (sp) at Busch Gardens in Tampa. Dang it. I have to schedule an MRI & MRA to make sure all is well. Blast. I will report the findings when they are known.

The only part that I disagree with is that I don't believe it is anyone else's responsibility to determine when it is time to take someone out of "their self-pity mode". Who gets to decide the worthiness (severity) of a stroke and time in self-pity mode? The 'pity pot' is useful in some ways - it allows for introspection and reflection. While I agree that too much of it is no good, it is not up to me nor you to determine how much is too much.

Mmmm - pass some potato soup my way - CONGRATS! I do the same thing. I moved my the computer mouse to the left side and continue to use it that way (switching the clicking functions as well) & I always brush my teeth with my left hand now. Woo hoo!! :cheer:

Thank you - I'm glad that rather than frustrate or offend, you understood the message as intended: "there is no way to form a scale to compare and if there were, what is the point?" Well put.

I did - I really did! Welcome back - so is the life of an academic, no? One of the many reasons that I don't want the ivory tower to live in... Good to "see" you :big_grin:

A-HA!! Very cute & funny! Thank you for sharing, it all makes sense now :big_grin:

Ah...to not have the pressures of finishing a dissertation...ah... :hahaha: It feels nice to know that I don't have that hanging over my head constantly. In its place, I have STROKE RECOVERY as the large block sitting on my shoulders that I will get to on a part time basis. As with the dissertation, STROKE RECOVERY is such a large task that it seems impossible to accomplish, I will probably avoid it intermittently but tackle it in the end and persevere. When I am not overwhelmed with the idea of it, I tend to think of it like a cold or the flu - something that I will work through and come out healthy on the other side of it. Obviously none of us know if this is possible or even a healthy way of thinking but I think that I can do it & that it will be done, someday. I recognize that it is important to be happy with one's accomplishments while being mindful and respectful of other people's continued struggles. I mull this over often as I, too, get frustrated when someone compares their TIA or mild stroke with my stroke (especially if they have no lasting or permanent effects that I continue to work through) since every stroke is different. However, I think it is ignorant to get frustrated with those who do recover with ease or with no permanent effects of their stroke because it is important to acknowledge that they are within the realm of the stroke survivor distribution. We need to include those who have died, those whose recovery have been stunted, those who get some but not all mobility back, those who have only slight but lasting effects, and those who recover fully. Along this dimension, it is also important to include massive strokes all the way to TIAs. I guess that I am saying that while we can't compare, it is important to acknowledge and include. Although I cannot possibly compare my situation to that of someone who is wheelchair-bound, my feelings are and situation is all I know - I can't compare but neither can you. You can't possibly know of my struggles and I cannot know yours - as goes the human condition, wanting to share but unable to compare.

Well, Juicer or is it Juicette? You've got a lot of frustranger (I just made up the word for the combo of both feelings) but you have a heck of a good sense of humor and fight under it which is a great base to work from. I look forward to your future posts as well as comments in general.

Although I am not a caregiver nor needed care for an extended amount of time, I can still wholly relate to your blog, just in a different way. I have lost myself as well. I was confident - walked with confidence, spoke with confidence, knew myself with confidence - until das stroke (I like to refer to it with an evil accent). I only wish I could break with it for a week or two so that I could find my lost me. What a great opportunity for you to reconnect with her and learn to keep her around. :Clap-Hands:

Bob & I went to see the cartoon movie "Happy Feet" - very cute with always-entertaining Robin Williams. The movie has a message about human waste in general (litter & over-farming of fish) but the thing that got me thinking most was wondering if I can dance again. I am almost scared to find out. I used to love to dance. Bob & I spent months learning the Tango and Cha-cha for our wedding. It was easy for me and so much fun. I will wait until I shed some pounds so that if I can dance, it is easier for me and if I can't, I know it isn't just because I gained weight in the last year. We went to the local Crash-A-Rama last night or as the announcer liked to say, the Craysh-uh-rahmah. The accent really cracked me up. It was tons of fun. They have school bus figure 8 races, boat trailer and camper races, compact car demo derby, and larger car demo derby. It started at 8 pm and lasted for almost 5 hours. Even though we are in Florida, it got down to the low 60's, high 50's and is such a damp cold that I was fairly frozen by midnight. It turns out that I still have temperature control problems. My affected side couldn't warm up - my good leg didn't want to touch my bad leg because of the temp differences! I was awake until 4 am because I just couldn't get warm. My affected side couldn't feel the warmth of the bed whatsoever. Bob finally woke up around 3 to help warm me up and I got warm enough to sleep finally! Eh, it was still worth it - darn fun & funny! Shewt. yeah, shewt!

you are welcome to surpass me - try a tandem bike with someone heavier and more skilled than you on the front seat - great way to get balance back and to "get back on the horse"

I had a TIA at the starting line of the 10k race...stroked a few hours later.

Thankfully, we aren't in another country - our military has fought for the protestor's right to disagree.

Part 1: To get some exercise in, I have decided to ride my bike in to work 2 days a week or more. Due to doctor's appointments last week, I rode on Thursday and Friday. Since the university was closed on Friday but I still planned to go into work, I left later than usual. Traffic was much easier to deal with. I ride from our small development along the sidewalk to a local park with a bike path. At the park, there are posts/ballards (large PVC pipe filled with concrete) to prevent cars from entering the bike path near the YMCA. They are set about 5 feet apart and I weave in between them to shorten the biking distance. At least that is the plan... On Friday, I went to weave between the posts but noticed a car on the street coming toward me. With my attention diverted and slightly spooked, I cut it too close to the post and caught my handlebar. This throws one to the ground very quickly. I had been clipping along at a pretty good speed too. I don't remember crashing but I know I did. A couple people asked if I was okay. I convinced them that I was but I didn't want to get up - I just want to relax and sleep for a little while. However, I got up and checked out my bike - the chain was off the gear and stuck betweeen the gear and the bike. I called Bob & told him what had happened, he decided to pick me up for lunch so that we could figure out what to do. He was 1/2 hour away so I had some time to assess damage and discovered a really scraped up elbow and knee and I broke my helmet (thankfully I was wearing one!!). I also started confusing reality with, well...not so much reality like my dream from the night before, thinking I had done things that I hadn't and whatnot. I must have really shaken my brain bucket but hard, huh?! :bop: Bob fixed my bike, took me to lunch and dropped both me and my bike off at work so I could 'get back up on the horse' again. My ride home was unremarkable. I even decided to weave between the posts so that I knew that I could do it again. My neck was very sore on Saturday which, of course, concerned me so we stopped by a "Doc in the box" (CentraCare). The doctor seemed completely unfazed that I had a stroke secondary to a carotid artery dissection and dismissed me after listening to my neck and not hearing any problem. Whew! :party: Part 2: Speaking of 'getting back up on the horse again' - Bob & I signed up for the race that I was in last year when I stroked & we were decked out with our strokenet wristbands & I wore my Stroke Survivor shirt. Bob ran the 10k that I was to run last year & I ran/walked the 5k since I'm not yet ready for a 10k. This means getting up at 6 am and leaving by 6:30 to get there by 7 so that Bob can warm up and stretch. We were late AND got lost - Bob didn't have much time at all to warm up or stretch but ran a good run at 54:39 I AM SO PROUD OF HIM :wub2: The 10k started at 7:30 and the 5k (what I ran) started at 9:15 so I napped in the car while he ran :gleam: Then, we walked to the starting line of the 5k and he ran/walked it with me - saying that I ran it is embelishing to say the least - I jogged for a few minutes until my ankle got sore and walked, then ran and walked, ran a little more and walked until the 3 mile mark - then I ran it in. While finishing up, we recognized a few of the spectators - quite a few of the spectators! Many friends met us at the end to cheer us in! This really upped my adrenaline and made me sprint to the finish line :bouncing_off_wall: I did it! I put that race to shame (well, with horrible time at 54:54) that beat me last year - yay!!

A couple of friends, Joel & Dan, visited this last weekend - both stewardesses (at least that is how I tease them - both males) flew in on Thursday evening. I took time off on Friday to visit with them. I dragged them to work with me to show them my office and introduce both to my advisor/boss. Then I ran a few errands while they sufferred with me. I don't think they had much fun Friday but I was thankful for the company. We met up with Bob for a great sushi dinner and watched a funny movie (Drop Dead Gorgeous) and copied the midwestern accent for the remainder of the weekend (oh crayap!). On Saturday, we tooled around for a bit and went to a bourbon-inspired party. I am not a bourbon drinker but had a jigger or so out of politeness. Then I had some other drink that we brought along (Mike's hard apple or some such thing). It felt as though we had stayed for hours so I hinted that it was time to go - it was only 9 pm or so! We went home and played Cranium (a board game) with Dan & I as one team and Bob & Joel as the opposing team. I get a bit too competitive for my own good and got frustrated when we were losing but Dan was a champ - he made the game such fun, in my opinion. He tried his hardest and had to put up with me. While trying to draw King Kong, I kept guessing something along the lines of the Three Little Pigs...poor Dan! :blush: Joel & I have known each other for ages (~20 years or so) and we reminisced at the expense of both Dan & Bob. Old jokes and stories were told time and again with at least Joel and I laughing loudly. We went to breakfast on Sunday with some local friends as a graduation celebration. Delicious food and interesting conversation - it was almost painful to leave I was having such a good time. We decided that a bike ride was in order - we have a tandem bike and Bob & I have our own bikes. Joel & Dan took the tandem and I led while Bob took up the rear. For some reason, I had difficulty mounting my bike. I hope it was just nerves of trying to get on with an audience but Bob had to help me. Sometimes my affected leg doesn't stay on the pedal all that well, but it is doing loads better lately. We had a good time joking around and getting some exercise in at the same time. Poor Dan was the front person on the tandem and Joel tried to upset the bike a few times by throwing his weight around a bit. It is such a good thing that Dan has a good sense of humor. We went to dinner and dropped them both off at the airport. It was good to have guests that didn't depend on or expect us to entertain and give them a tour of Florida. Great weekend. :beer:

Fabulous! Good to hear - keep it up. :Clap-Hands:

:giggle: Thank you! Asha - Bob is my husband, I also had a friend there - Carol, I should specify. A new name...I should come up with that - do I need to create a new account for that?

Yesterday was the biggest day of my academic career. It was my final dissertation defense. When I get really stressed out, I get a bit flaky (pre-stroke too) & I forgot my computer - WITH MY PRESENTATION - at home!! I started out the day with trying to find a nice outfit. I have gained about 10 pounds (I refuse to get on a scale right now so I guesstimate) since the stroke and couldn't fit into my suit. I fit into some fat clothes and drove off to get my hair done. My stylist is great - she is energetic, creative, great at what she does, and loves her job. She made my hair look great. I had 3 phone calls on my cell while there and finally answered the 3rd time - it was my advisor wondering where I was! I got into work at 11:30 and clarified some concerns that my advisor had. His wife was at my practice presentation and brought some concerns to me and mentioned them to him. She is awesome - brilliant, kind, and helpful. I had a donut for lunch - not nutritious but I was nervous about leaving and not making it back on time! A good friend, Carol, had come for support and she & I were chatting while I was pacing when Bob showed up with my computer!! woo hoo - he is the best!! We went to the conference room at 1:15 pm to set up the computer and projection system and to wait for the committee. One of the members was about 15 minutes late - wringing my nerves dry! I started and made a joke about how much has happened since I last saw them for the proposal defense . During the presentation, I noticed that I was talking fast and told myself to slow down (something that I am working on for public speaking). I gave a 20 minute presentation and answered 20 minutes worth of questions. I kept expecting to be blind-sided but I could answer the questions relatively well - with more time and thought, I feel as though I could have been more thorough though, oh well :blush: . Carol, Bob, & I left to get the paperwork for the committee to sign while they decided my fate. We got back and they were ready for us - I passed. I PASSED!! Get this - I passed as presented...WITH NO REVISIONS (very rare)!!! :Clap-Hands: We went out and celebrated :beer: :cocktail: It is still very surreal and I don't feel 'doctor-ish' yet. I wonder if I ever will or if I will just get brainwashed with it eventually (if enough people call me a Dr. I will eventually believe it & feel like it?) wow.

I can't imagine what that must be like right now. I too like the state of denial - forgetting that I stroked and wanting to just be normal - work normally, retire normally. I feel your frustration mostly because of your eloquent writing ability. Good luck to you in the war of the papers.

I live in Orlando and recognize Mark's name although I don't know if I could pick him out of a crowd... What a fabulous event - I wonder if there will be another anytime soon as I didn't know about this one. We do need a representative for strokers - STROKERS UNITE!! :Clap-Hands: Thank you for the interesting blog.

It may be one of those things that you just don't feel happening - you don't just wake up one day and say "wow, I feel okay now. I forgive her" It is so gradual a process that you might not notice it unless someone brings it up to you. Take care!

Considering the amount of time that you and Ray spend together, it is only natural that you may feel a twinge of guilt. Recognize it for what it is and let it go. It is clear that you know it is best for both of you to have this time. I hope you enjoy it. :2cents:

Wow - it has been a while since I have blogged...I will try to catch up as best as I can. - I have my dissertation defense date set - October 27 at 1:30 pm - THIS FRIDAY!! I am working on my presentation and am anxious/excited. - I went to a conference in San Francisco Mon - Thurs of this past week. I was pretty much on my own. Had my own room & handled everything by myself. I met an online friend there and it was great to see someone face to face that I have communicated with online for so long. Her screen name is MonkeyGirl but I was very disappointed to discover that she looked nothing like a monkey whatsoever. She is tall, kind, and warm. The conference was interesting and I had a good time in San Francisco. - I am continuing with PT but am getting a little frustrated with the most recent person that I have been working with - she just recently graduated and I have determined that she either (a) was barely a "C" student, (b) does know how to apply what she learned to real work, or ( c ) is simply unmotivated. She simply asks the supervisor what to do and has me do it - I don't think she understands the why behind the activities because she focuses on details of the activity that are not a part of the big picture. I will have to talk to the manager to ask not to work with her any longer. She is very nice and pleasant but that does not help me to heal. - Guess what I did yesterday (Saturday, Oct. 21, 2006)? I rode my bike all the way to work AND back - BY MYSELF!!! :Clap-Hands: :beer: :big_grin: Bob & I figured it was 6 miles one way, so I rode 12 miles yesterday - woo hoo!! :cheer: I had the best conversation in my head the entire time - "yeah you are!" was my internal response to everything my body was doing. For example: My body is biking up an incline very well & my mind says "yeah you are!" I was working really hard to keep going & my mind says "yeah you are!" It felt fabulous. I hope to do it at least 1-2 times a week and work really hard at it. "yeah you are!"