justsurviving

You make fall sound fabulous - my favorite is spring with the early, bright sun, new flowers, and 'cleanness' of it all...but you do make a convincing case!

Man alive am I sore from step aerobics class! Oddly though - the soreness is only on my unaffected side - I know I worked my affected side just as much but it doesn't seem to know when it is sore. It is a very weird thing to have one leg and butt sore and the other side doesn't seem to know a thing. I am revising the last section of my dissertation and I continue with writing issues that I have always and forever have had - I am too concise and need to expand on the topics. I find that difficult. At the same time, it is comforting to have a same problem rather than a new, stroke problem - I hope that makes sense, as weird as it is.

There are actually more than one way to encode information into memory - repitition is one of them but another is by making the information important or meaningful to a person. Repitition is easier when you have memory problems to begin with (at the start of my stroke, for instance).

Oh boy oh boy oh boy :big_grin: I finally have a date set for the big finale - defending my dissertation - October 27th at 1:30 pm Eastern time. Yay!!! Woo hoo!! :beer: Whenever I think about it, I get excited and anxious and nervous - feelings that together create a neat combination of *finally.* ~12 or so years of schooling to get to this point - my undergraduate education spanned 2 states, 3 colleges, and about 6 years; my graduate education also spanned 2 states, 3 colleges/universities, and about 6 years. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My second reason for feeling good is that I went to step class last night. A good friend of mine teaches it and I have loved step aerobics for years. I was a self-proclaimed Step Queen! I approached last night with hesitation and caution. I didn't have any risers (the bench was flat on the floor) and still almost fell 3 times. I couldn't do much of the choreography since I can't seem to keep track of where my affected foot/leg is in space (hence the almost falls). My brain was connected and wanted so badly to keep up and do every single move but my body wasn't ready to respond. That's okay, it has also been almost a year since I have attended a step class so that may be part of it. That is what I plan to keep telling myself until I improve significantly Ahhhhh...to feel good again. I like it! :giggle:

So, the plan was for me to defend my dissertation on Friday, October 13, 2006 - my 11 month stroke-aversary and Friday the 13th!! Scheduling conflicts at the last minute have now changed that - darn it! I am trying to set up the day but getting people to respond and let me know what works is taking FOREVER! I am anxious/excited/nervous but I think I am ready. I am excited about this feeling too. I feel as though this has snapped me out of my fog. A coworker said that I seem more alert now and my advisor said that I seem 'crisp' now. That makes me feel great. Better than great - incredible. Now I just need to get it set up and rolling - waiting is the hardest part, right? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ On a separate note, I was watching something on TV and, although I don't remember what it was, something that was said really struck a chord in me. There was some type of support group and one of the people said "when I was first diagnosed, so many people came to my side, called, talked, and supported me and I felt so loved. Now that time has passed, they have pulled away and it feels like they have taken that love with them." A light went on over my head. I think that is why I have been so punky and down lately. It is an odd thing really. I didn't want anyone to treat me differently when I had the stroke, but they did. It was an amazing feeling to have people express their care. Now that so much time has passed, I am treated as 'normal' and I miss that feeling of being loved and valued. Maybe I am just an attention lover :blush:

We are in the same place. I don't like it much & I hope I don't stay like this forever.

Sue, Interesting - I seem to have adapted more or less right now, not that I like or accept it, but I have a really difficult time remembering how I was pre-stroke. Robyn, I really do. We were high school sweethearts and our dads worked together so we have known each other since we were very young. Although I am really lucky, I don't know how lucky he got :big_grin:

I have often thought or hear that people can't wait until they 'wake up one day and feel normal/feel better' Baloney for me! It has to be pointed out to me :blush: I was trying to talk through some parts of my dissertation with Bob the other night and he started to get this little grin on his face...I don't have much humor when it comes to my dissertation so I asked him what he thought was just so darn funny about my study? He straightened up and said 'nothing, nothing at all.' Later, when we were going home for the night, he asked me if I remembered when (pre-stroke) I used to get to talking and gesturing all together and he would grasp my hands to shut me up. I told him that I remembered, thank you very much. He said that he was smiling because it was the first time that he noticed that I was gesturing and my left hand matched my right, without any delay or awkwardness. Awww....thanks, honey! Thank you for pointing it out, sometimes I need that.

Do you know what 'tuway' means? That is a heck of a rough day - please tell me you get some breaks, siblings? spouse/partner?

I am so jealous that you get to go to the UK - what fun! :Clap-Hands: I will be oh-so-impatiently waiting for details, details, details! Have a fabulous time. :oohlala:

Robyn, Wow - that is a heck of a weekend that you have planned! Traveling with kids looks incredibly difficult - multitasking to the limit. :juggle: Where in NY are you trying to sell? I lived in Binghamton (well, actually - Endicott but close enough) for 2 years in 1999/2000 & even then the market was saturated with too many houses and not enough buyers - it was (and probably still is) a very depressed area. I wish you peace, happiness, and calmness for your trip. Take care.

Awesome, Rich! If you have never had a chemical stress test - be warned, it sucks for about 4 minutes and then gets much better. I didn't care for it but could do it again if needed.

Holy Unsupportive Support Group, Batman! :giggle: Is there any other group in your area or that may be a bit of a drive and still worth it. Darn I feel for you. Considering the motivated people here who continue to see imrprovements years, much less months, later - don't give up hope.

I think that I am feeling and being particularly needy right now & I hate it . I was that way pre-stroke but now I just have something easier to blame than me!

Wow, Robyn - great way to think about it! Thank you for that. 2 1/2 weeks before the defense and I am working hard on revisions from my major professor. I swear this guy is a certifiable genius - I am always awed at his insight/suggestions. It is a lot though. I feel very overwhelmed right now (I know that is normal but I get freaked & stress too easily...plus I {obviously} don't handle stress well :blush: )

After the neuropsych tests - no therapy was recommended - it would probaby be an accupational therapist but won't be covered since no significant deficit found... thank you though!

I realized last night that when I am frustrated or down, I blame my stroke. Then I come here and "vent." I really do have good and great days and I need to start sharing them here so that my blog reflects more of who I am. I promise I will do just that.

I wonder about kharma (often thanks to the show My Name is Earl!). I do believe that you reap what you sow but I also wonder how we get what we deserve in other ways. I know someone who finds humor in cutting other people down, people commented that he is chauvenistic bordering on misogynistic. Whether in private or publicly, he loved to be a Negative Ned. Now he has mouth cancer. While I would never wish cancer or serious illness upon anyone, I find it somewhat fitting for him considering all of the viciousness he spewed forth. :Tantrum: Thinking of that made me wonder how appropriate my stroke was for me - in what way could I have deserved this? Because I thought people were wasting their bodies by not eating healthy and exercising (rather self-righteous of me)? Because I didn't use my body for its full potential (wasteful on my part)? Because I didn't take care of the heart situation earlier (neglectful)? Is it ridiculous to think in these terms?

GAH. I am so sorry. I really had hope and belief (as dumb as that may sound since we have never met face to face). I am so sorry. Durn it. I have no doubt in my mind that you will find what you are looking for and what you need and deserve. Take care of you and yours.

I seem to have definite memory problems now that I didn't have pre-stroke. My previously fabulous memory is one of them. I would miss it if I remembered what it was like to have a great memory... :big_grin: I forget to take my meds, I forget appointments (2 yesterday alone!), essence of conversations that I *just* had. It goes on and on. I have to find a way to work around this problem...I have taken notes but my previous note-taking ability allowed for me to jot main thoughts to remind me & now, I look at those thoughts and wonder who's brain they fell out of. blast! :bop:

I am so glad that you aren't giving up! :Clap-Hands: Thank you for listening to what I needed to say without judgement, I appreciate that.

I am so torn when I read your blog. On the one hand, thinking in terms of a normal, rational human being, I understand you completely. On the other hand, as a stroke survivor, I scream DON'T GIVE UP ON ME JUST YET! For the first few months after my stroke, I couldn't help but to think that Bob was much better off without me and I thought that me releasing him would be a huge favor to him. When we talked about it, I really needed his reassurance that he wanted to be with me no matter what. He had to reassure me A LOT. At first, I thought he was just saying it out of pity. I had to be convinced and it took quite a while. I'm not saying that it is identical to your situation with Jane, I am just giving my point of view and my experience. I wish you, Jane, and your family well. :hug:

Great to hear! :Clap-Hands: You have to be so proud - I know we are! :cheer: You are awesome. :beer: - signed, a dedicated chocoholic :blush:

I didn't watch all of it but it has something to do with the surgery from the gunshot wound he received - the surgeon used ketamine (sp) which did something to something and voila - no cane! Sorry I couldn't be of more help...

It isn't a particularly special strokaversary (like the year event) but I think it is important to recognize how different things are now. I am back in PT because my affected ankle is still too weak and some muscles in the calf are too atrophied to help in walking/running/balancing. Although the PT helps immensely, it is hard as well because of the initial memories of PT when I simply tried to stand and had to be toiletted. I have mentioned this before - I miss my confidence the most and I truly believe that I am getting it back slowly, oh so slowly. It is honestly the part of me that hurt the most when I lost it and the one thing that I miss the most. I have my final dissertation defense scheduled for a month from now (YIKES!!) and I discover then if I have graduated and the ceremony will be in December. Life is going on and I am hanging in there, by gosh :beer: