justsurviving

Pam, Maybe I did miss the point. To me, it smacks of bitterness - that is my view as a 'newbie.' While I understand that one can become jaded over time, I certainly hope that my experience as a fairly fresh survivor still counts for something. It is still my opinion at this point in time. I realize that I was probably too strong in my first comment as this is *your* blog and you have every right to post whatever your views/perspective/feelings/truth is at any point in time. That was simply my reaction. - Sherri

I completely disagree with this premise. I cannot look at someone else and tell them that I have it worse than you so you can't complain. Frankly, to me, that equates to telling a woman that has one child that she isn't a real mother until she has more children. ridiculous. My stroke sucked for me. period. Sure it frustrates me to hear about people who are working without any problems and living life (Tedi Bruschi, et al.) but it only frustrates me because I wish I was in their place, not because they didn't get hit hard enough.

I have a difficult time going to sleep at night (and a harder time waking up in the morning). So, I have decided to try meditation as a way to calm my mind. I relax, listen to my breath and picture all of the craziness in my mind being gathered up with the incoming breath and directed out with the outgoing breath. To accomplish this, I needed to picture my mind. My picture resulted in a very quaint and bright attic. It has lovely hardwood floors and hardwood paneling on the wall with windows (like dormers). I see everything swirling around as I breathe in and rush out as I exhale leaving me with a beautifully clean room. As I looked around, I noticed a black rock in the middle of the floor. It was coal. I started to chisel at it and it continued to get bigger (picture an iceberg wherein only the tip is above water but the majority of it is below). I chisel until I fall asleep and the next night - I see what I chiseled and now it is big enough to sit on. I tried to relay this to a friend who is a meditation guru and she said to leave it alone that it may turn into something valuable. Like a kid with a scab, I continued to chisel it away. It got huge - the flooring just gives way without a mess (although if there was a mess, I would just breathe it away!). Then there came something that I couldn't chisel away - it was small, hard, and whitish. I believe that I am beginning to uncover a diamond! My psychological interpretation, now that I think about it, is that the coal is my 'self' after the stroke. It is big, black and ugly. Not the real me and I can't figure out how to get back to me so I just try to chisel the stroke stuff away. The diamond, I believe, represents the new, post-stroke me. I need to realize that I will never be the way I was before, ever (wow, that is really harsh) and I haven't accepted that yet. I do think that I am beginning to accept it and uncover how the new me doesn't necessarily mean a "less me" it just means different. Dude, that is way deep.

My 5 month checkup with the neurologist went swimmingly. The poor guy has no sense of humor, I swear. He asked what happened to my knees. I told him that my husband pushed me (very obvious that I was joking) and he just looked at us. Hubby said that I had to tell the truth (buzzkill) so I did. Dr. Humorless asked if there was any recent progress and we told him that I can now skip :Clap-Hands: He looked shocked and shook his head, I nodded my head smiling widely. He proceeded to explain the dangers of skipping how I could fall and break something putting him in a tough position to deal with it. All I could think was "skipping? you know - hop with right leg, hop with left leg while moving forward? skipping is what children do. OH MY GOD, THE CHILDREN - they are all in serious danger!!!" Gimme a break already We are happy about the skipping and the step that it represents toward running, freedom and happiness. Phoey on Dr. Humorless.

I know what you mean - it took me some time to figure it out as well :blush: I am enjoying the weather as well. I really like Florida more than I thought I would.

I have been trying to get back into running so each night, my husband and I alternate regular walking with brisk walks and walking backwards. The night before last, I gripped hubby's hand and said "let's try to skip" he asked if I was sure since I haven't been successful with it in the past and I said "c'mon, let's try it!" So, holding tightly to his hand for balance and support... WE SKIPPED!!! I couldn't do it for long since my left leg wasn't cooperating fully, but I did it! We tried again last night and I guess it took - I skipped again, for longer! I am so excited about this. One of my PT people asked "Is skipping that big of a deal?" when I complained that I couldn't. It is that big of a deal. Skipping to me represents being carefree and utterly happy. I have wanted to be that again so badly. I know that I'm not completely there yet, but boy oh boy does it feel good to be able to skip again. I may even skip to the 'loo' here at work :big_grin:

I have never been particularly graceful but I usually saved myself from extreme embarrassment (usually!) Boy how that has changed since the stroke. I have fallen enough times to not count any longer. Today, as I was walking and stepping up on a curb, my left leg didn't lift high enough & my toes caught the curb. I tried wildly to hurry it up to catch myself, but *nooooo*! In an uppity scale neighborhood, I went flailing onto the rather new (read: very rough) sidewalk scraping both knees along with my hands. Swan Lake, it was not. I am still red-faced. Since I am on Coumadin (an anti-coagulant), the bleeding was profuse. A very nice and concerned shop owner stepped out and offered her first aid kit (halleluya!). After blotting and cleaning, a large bandage with neosporin was applied. An hour later, blood and pus filled the bandage so full, it was oozing out of the bottom. Great. Of course. Lordy, lordy, could I please get a break?!! A new bandage and plenty of rubberneckers later, all is contained. Will I ever be normal? Do I want to be?

I am so incredibly lucky to have a spouse that is a nuturing caregiver yet pushes me when I need it. First, if not for him, I sincerely doubt I would have ever called 911. I was just so out of it and apathetic about my hemiplegia. One of the more humorous things (looking back it is funny) was when my husband was bent over me and yelling "how can you not be freaking out that you can't move your left side?!!" and all I could think of was "I don't know" I guess it just didn't seem to be a big deal, I was so disconnected with my body. Second, he spent every single moment in the hospital with me possible. When allowed to stay overnight, he was there for 2 weeks straight, 22 hours a day (I encouraged him to shower and change clothing!). Third, he is such a caring person that didn't balk at any task that was asked of him. In some ways, I am glad that I stroked instead of him - I don't think I could measure up to his caregiving abilities and patience (definitely not the patience part!). As if you didn't figure it out by now - this blog is dedicated to my wonderful husband of 5 1/2 years (although we have been together for 17 years total - high school sweethearts). He is my biggest & loudest cheerleader :cheer: and I hope he knows how much I appreciate all that he is and has done. :hug: Thank you, buttnugget! Love, your wife.

I am a 34 year old happily married woman who is a non-smoker, long distance runner with low blood pressure who had a stroke November 13, 2005. I had been experiencing severe headaches that I just assumed were migraines for about 2 weeks. Then on a Friday afternoon (November 11th), I had trouble walking with my left leg, just for a couple of steps along with a wicked headache. I decided to call the doctor and made an appointment for 3:15 that afternoon. I just thought I was stressed out and my body decided to freak a little. The doctor wished there was a place to get an MRI that late in the day but couldn't so I got a CT scan instead - they reported it as normal so I went home. At 7 am on Sunday, Nov 13th, I was at the starting line with my husband at our first 10k race. My husband was a little irritated with me because I was "acting weird" and wouldn't warm up with him and I couldn't give him an answer as to why. Then I collapsed - my left side just completely gave out on me about 5 minutes before the race was to start. After a minute or two, I got up and limped a little but was otherwise fine. We walked back to the car & hubby was upset that we didn't run. While we were driving back home (45 min drive), I told him that I didn't feel well and needed to puke. He handed me a plastic grocery bag! He thought I was screwing around and faking it. I puked and he thought I was just making noise. Well, the bag had a hole in the bottom...When we got home, he grabbed the bag and spilled yellow bile/puke all over the inside of the car. He told me to go in and lay down and that he was going to clean the car. I laid down & when he got back he napped with me. He woke up and went into the living room a little later. When I woke up, I tried to get out of bed to go to the bathroom but I couldn't move my left side at all. I called for him and told him that I had to go to the bathroom. He said "So then go!" I said "I can't" So he came in and carried me to the bathroom where I had to have a bath at that point. We were so dumb not to call 911 right away but he wanted to save me the embarassment of having people in our house with me partially naked (thank you!). He gave me a bath and dressed me and finally called 911. The paramedics were fast and very nice and helpful. They were hesitant to diagnose it as a stroke since I am fairly young, a non-smoker, and a long distance runner so they took me to the hospital. I went to get an MRI & an MRA and the technician asked me to slide onto the machine (on my left side!) and try as I could, it was impossible without using the gurney as leverage. Well, the gurney has wheels, you see. So it went flying & I fell to the floor! No further damage, as far as I could tell - not too far a drop... I was in ICU for 3 days, the regular hospital for 3 days and in the rehab hospital for 2 weeks with a stroke secondary to a carotid artery dissection. The carotid artery on the right tore and collapsed preventing blood flow to my brain resulting in a stroke in the right hemisphere in the basal ganglia. I was a hemiplegic with full paralysis on my left side for nearly 2 weeks. I now have full movement (from a HECK of a lot of physical therapy) but still have problems walking and some difficulty typing and of course I can't run just yet. About 3 weeks before the stroke, I defended my dissertation proposal to my committee. It was approved with a few revisions and I am currently in the midst of collecting data - I am nervous about finishing it up because I feel as though I think slower now. I have asked if I lost IQ but no one has noticed (I have them sooo fooled). I am hoping to graduate with my Ph.D. in August.

First - Bob is home. He got back from Nigeria in mid-Dec, about 2 weeks earlier than anticipated. It is so good to have him back! Okay - to the meat and point of this post. I have had to return to PT recently due to shoulder pain (on the affected side) and knee pain (unaffected side). Both are directly and indirectly (respectively) related to the stroke. Subluxation (slight out of socket) of my affected shoulder is due to weak muscles and has just recently decided to rear its ugly head. The knee pain on the unaffected side is due to overcompensation of the affected side. No one ever talks about this possibility. I should have known and have tried to strengthen the affected leg but it was all just too much for the unaffected leg to take on. I had wanted to ask the Physical Therapist why my affected leg doesn't have muscle memory. Well, duh. I'm glad that I thought it through rather than actually have the chance to ask the therapist. "Muscle memory" is a misnomer - it really doesn't have much to do with the muscle itself. The brain cells that used to control it are dead and eaten by now. The brand new brain cells that now control the affected side never used to do this - how can they have a 'memory' of something they never used to do? Of course they can't. Stroke PT exercises have to be kept up for a lot longer than with usual injury-related PT exercises. Frankly, this needs to be explicitly explained. The other thing I noticed is that I can't work on physical and mental stuff all at the same time. It is simply too much and overwhelming. Again - duh. The brain is but one organ. You can't fix everything all at once. I also realized that because it is the brain - this creates a unique challenge. When you have a pain in your foot, how do you know that there is pain? The brain tells you! I am going out on a limb here to say that it is practically impossible for the brain to recognize its own 'pain' and to fix itself. I can acknowledge and recognize that I have a physical or mental issue from the stroke, but I can't immediately fix it. It takes time, sometimes more time than we want, to fix the brain. It is doable, no mistake about that. It just takes time. That brings me to my Netflix movie review - The Brain Fitness Program. It was a documentary from PBS and totally worth the viewing. It supported and added to my knowledge of how malleable and flexible the brain is and how we must keep ourselves challenged and healthy throughout our lives. One example is how I helped to recover my affected arm. I switched my office around so that my affected (and nondominant) hand controlled the mouse. While frustrating at first - it really helped it recover by leaps and bounds. It forced an area of the brain that had a different job to get a new gig and to grow substantially (as supported by the neuroscientists on this documentary). I really can't say enough good things about this movie - really cool bonus stuff too - Alzheimers info, pieces and parts info, how to keep your brain healthy info, etc. Grab some walnuts (good brain food!) and enjoy the movie!