BabsZ

We have been married 35 wonderful years. He had his stroke almost 2 years ago. Lately he has been depressed but wont admit it. And he has been very critical of everything I do. Today we had our FIRST EVER full blown arguement. I am not used to my gentle spirited husband saying such awful things to me. I just dont understand. :Ask: i just dont understand :Sob: Will this be just a passing thing? Or is this a change that will continue? Is it related to the stroke? and my biggest fear of all, will our marrage survive? I hope so... I am afraid, and feel alone, im stressed. I have some needs to. I need to be loved. I need to be concidered intelelgent and loving and i need to feel like I do some things right. I do lots of things right.. why cant he see any of those things anymore. why does he only see all my faults. :crying:

Looking back over the past , almost 2 years... I wish I had kept a daiy journal. I never have kept one, but It would be interesting to see how far we have come and how the tides of change come and go. I still stand amazed at how he seems to be fine, like before all this happened, but yet, he really isnt. He is doing very well at hideing his affects of the stroke. and also some what in denial. I have noticed this depression. I do not know how to deal with it. After the stroke, he has been very sweet, and happy. But now he has taken a change. I am wondering if it is depression. I really do not believe I am messing up with everything he says I am. He just seems to be irritated with everything. He thinks his cardio Dr wants him off he anti depressant. But in reality, the Dr was just agreeing with him, that it would be good if he could get off of it. And he gets angry when I try to correct his understanding. I really dont know how to react to all this. After 35 years of marrage, I dont ever want to give up on him, on us. But sometimes, I wonder If i know him. If I ever knew him. And if he really knows me. I really think if he would see my psychologist, his antidepresant would be changed, and maybe, just maybe... Things would start being better.

I know I just posted... But He will be home soon. Dont know if i mentioned, He is driving now. It took a bit of doing to get him to go anywhere alone. But he has a weekly depression Class at VA hospital. Thats where he is. He will be returning home soon. I feel like runing away. I dont want hime to see that I have been crying. I dont want to confront him about any of this. At least not now. would rather not ever. But he probally wont notice anyway. I dont think he notices anything about me except what I dont do. Or what I need to do. I have guilty feelings. Sometimes I think we both would be better off if he had not even survived.!!!!! OMG!!! DID I JUST SAY THAT????? while I am at it, why dont I jsut say the rest of it.... he is much easier to be with when he is a bit confused. What kind of wife am I anyway? To have such thoughts. :yikes: Now I am starting to just feel a bit down... That must be my shell coming up around me... OK, I will just go wash my face, slap on some make up, brush my hair... and put on that smile, u know, the one he never notices anyway.... then start tackleing some of the things he says I need to finish... like I dont know I need to finish them..... Oh, I am so bad....

Its been a long time since I have written anything here. But I NEED to VENT!!!! Im actually crying. That

I am just not a good blogger. Cant believe I havnt done this since he was in the hospital. :head_hurts: But he has been feeling well, and we have been traveling. We took off in May and I drove us from Oklahoma to Carls Bad NM. Went through Roswell and had a ball there investigating UFO's. Stoped in Alamagordo for a few days. I developed a problem with my eye and since he couldnt drive and neither could I, we just rested a few days until I could go on. From there we went to Jurez Mexico. It didnt take much of that to make me thankful for where I live. We spent a day driving through Big Bend National Park. Eddie really enjoyed seeing all the wildlife. Usually he is the driver and only gets little glimpses of it. He is begening to relax about my driving, from time to time. We bought a new 30 ft travel trailor. We have always loved camping and travel. We probally should have downsized and gotten a smaller one. But this is like a home away from home, and we are very comfortable in it. Our sales man was really good with us and knowing our needs. He worked with me for quite awhile teaching me tricks on pulling and backing such a large trailor. June, we drove from Oklahoma to West Virginia in a van with my sister and another lady. I think it was hard on him sitting there with the three of us yacking the whole trip. This trip was for a quilting retreat with my intenet quilting group. ON the way back we went through Washington DC and pensylvania. July we went out in the new camper a few times, local, not far from home. Agust I inlisted somehelp from my son and we dug a hole in my back yard for a fish pond. I have always wanted one. Eddie was surprised how big i wanted to make it. 6' X 6' circle approximately. Little did he know, I was going to make it about double that size, but stoped there. didnt want to shock him too much. lol. We have both really enjoyed watching the little fish swim around. The pond is winterized now, fish are dormant for the winter. So I am looking forward to opening it in spring and seeing the fish move around again. We also took another trip. This time we did an escorted bus trip through AAA. It would have been better if the bus had been in better condition, but we did well and had a great time. We went to the Painted Desert, Petrified Forrest, Grand Canyon and Los Vegas. We were really tired when we got home, but it was really nice that I didnt have to drive. We were home a week then I drove us to Kentucky for his Veitnam Regiment Reunion. We try to go to this every year but missed last year because of the heartattack and stroke. September and October we used the Travel Trailor a lot. We even camped the first part of november but we have it winterized now and waiting for warmer weather. In the midst of all this traveling fun, we have been taking a class to become Peer Visitors. The hospitals are using people to visit with new stroke survivors to encourage them and their familys. It has been good for us wheather we ever get involved in visiting or not, although I believe we will. We have learned much more about stroke in general, and his. We have met other very nice stroke survivors who have very sucessfully moved on with their lives. Next week, we have our graduation! Yes, we have been staying busy. Eddie always dreamed of retireing and traveling. Well, thats what we are doing. We have had our challenges along the way. But very happy with how well we are hadling it all. Ok, I think I am caught up from our travels now. For some reason I felt like I had to fill in the time not covered before I could move on to currnet blogging. I do have some issues going on that I want to blog about, but this is enough for now.

The last 2 blogs are very close together in posting date because, I thought I had published them but had not. oh well, I am learning. The infection reached a point that I couldnt handle it at home any longer. Eddie had an appointment for thursday with the urologist. He sent us home with an antibiotic and said call me if things dont get better. 3 hours later Eddie had those awful, violent shiver chills again. It went on for a half hour and I decided to call the Dr. He said to give him some benidrill. It took him another 20 minutes or so to calm the shakes down. But then within an hour he was feeling awful and he felt burning hot to the touch. His temp was 103.6! I caled the dr again and was told to go to the ER. He would call ahead and tell them we were on our way. Three hours later Eddie had a room and was reciveing antibiotica through an IV. When my husband is in the hospital, I just do not leave him. Thats why I say "We" were only in the hospital two nights. I feel like we were there a week. His temp at one point was as high as 104.2 WOW thats way too high. Those violent chills were almost as bad in the hospital as they were at home, and followed a few hours later with sweats that soaked the bed. Talk about hot and cold flashes! The main concern was that the infection had crossed over into his blood. Thank God it had not. Eddie said for him this was worse than his heartattack and stroke except for the time he was on the ventelator and the NG tube. It sure took him back again. We couldnt walk down the hall with out him feeling lost, got a lot of things confused. Now that we are home I can tell his walking is not as good as it has been either. He moves very slow and cautious. Seems his balance is off, he told me he has almost fallen backwards a couple of times. He seems to be relearning a lot of little things , little things, like how our thermostat works in the house, how the coffee maker works and a few other things. But quickly pickes it up again. He is easily irritated at me. I cant hear him as well as before, he seems to either mumble or talks so soft I cant understand and constantly have to ask him to repeat words. He sounds like his throat is very tight. I find I need to speak slower for him to understand me, he says I am talking too fast. Right now we are both tired.

His prostate infection has returned with a vengance. feaver, chills, and all the other symptoms. He has such bad chills last night, he shook our heavy bed. I made him talk to me during them because he was shaking like he did with seizures. His balance is off, once again confused and disoriented. I dont understand how an infection can cause him to have those problems again. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me about all this, I cant even slow down my mind to know what they all are. All I know is I am doing my best to take good care of him. And when I cant, I feel so helpless. It seems to me when he starts doing really well, to the point I can hardly tell he has ever had a heart attack or stroke, BOOM! It starts all over again. I remember watching my mom over the years go down a slow spiral of getting really sick and never quite regaining all of it. Like a long slow dance, one step up and two steps down. Oh I hope this is not the begening of that dance again. May be when he gets over this infection he will start improving again. I decided I need to pay some attention to me. I made an appointment with the Psychologist I met with when my mother passed away. I was so overloaded then. we had 5 close deaths within 6 weeks. I dont want to tell him about my appt. But I just dont think he would understand that I need to do this, and i dont want to start keeping things from him. but I also know I need this. :uhm:

Sue, So glad Ray is home. you have worked hard, runing back and forth to see him and getting everything done. You are still making more plans. And I am glad he feels good enough to pick a fight. hahaha. but take time to just sit and enjoy having him home. I know what it is like to have to remind someone they cant get up without you, even though they think they are totally capable. Had a tough time with my mom about that. Hang in there, and try to laugh it off while getting to his side. I can hardly wait to hear your story about giving the first shot. Hope you dont faint. About frineds, they come into our lives then go from our lives sometimes before we even realize they have. You have much to give to each friend and also will recieve much in return. I am sory to hear so many are having simular problems. It is tough and hurts to see those we care for going through things. But we are all in it together at some point. And I know they draw striength from you. BabsZ

As fast as it started, it all settled down. I have my husband back. What a rollar coaster ride this is. He is so much better, about back to his normal self. im talking pre heart attack and pre stroke, mostly. He wouold really like to take over his old responsibilities. But some things, I think I should continue because It is so hard to tell when he starts being confused again. He talks a lot about taking back the check book and bills. Although this is a new responsibility for me, I think I should continue doing it. I fingure if it is already done, he cant do it. So I just make sure I beat him to it. Paying bills as they come in and keeping the books updated. (thats the biggie for me) Today the house is quiet. He has gone with our son on a little road trip today. I am home alone. There is so much I would like to do while i am alone. I feel like I am rushing to do it. I made myself a list. hahaha There is enough here to last me 2 weeks. Not that he is hard to care for. He is such a talker now and he used to hardly talk at all. We spend a lot of time just talking. Or should I say, I spend time listening. And I love it! But to actually dive into things without interruption is a real treet. I miss him, but I also know he is in good hands and he really needed to get out without me. ok, I have allowed myself enough computer time, on to the next thing on my list.

Eddie has been doing verry well over the past few months. Its been about 10 months now since his heart attack and stroke. We have learned how to deal with most of the little problems he has. He has become much more confidnet and physically as well as mentally stable. until last weekend. He seemed just a little disorented. Got a few things mixed up but we all do that now and then, dont we? Then he mentioned he burns when he pees. Ut Oh! He has a history of prostate infection. he was being treated for one when he had the heart attack. Its friday afternoon. Too late to see a Dr. But I call the Cardiologist office and talk with the Dr's nurse. Told her what was going on and that i kept the bottle of antibiotics he was using when he had the heart attack. He also had something to keep the prostate from enlarging, but the cardio Dr said he didnt need them and not to take them. But I thought maybe he needed them now so I was asking. She said she really didnt know but would try to find out. Later that evening he started with hard chills and high feaver. 101 to 102. Saturday morning I tried to contact his urologist. I know he has an answering service on the weekends and could be reached. But I found out later that someone in his office put the wrong side of the tape in. And the message i got was that the Dr would be on vacation until AGUST 4th. WOW this is the end of Feb and that is a very long vacation. So I went ahead and put him back on those two drugs assuming that would be what the Dr would do. He always had before. Monday Morning I got hin to the urologist. After he saw Eddies list of meds, he said dont give him another one of those antibiotics. They dont do well with coumidan. His urin looked clear, no infection. But he wants to see him again in a week and retest. I really think the few antibiotics kept the infection from showing up. But why is Eddie more confused today? Tuesday we went to the Nurologist for a scheduled follow up attp. Dr looked him over good. Looked in his eye for a long time. Checked his balance, and his perifial vision loss. Discussed decreasing his dilantin. Said all looks good, see you in 6 months. Ok, so he hasnt had another stroke or anything like that. Wednesday he saw his Cardio Dr. Gee we are getting tired of Dr offices. LOL much less the expence. Cardio Dr said we didnt hurt him any by puting him on those drugs. said he looks good. See you in 3 months. Ok now its friday. A whole week. I cant see that he has improved any. He is getting things turned around in his mind. His walk is very diferent, more garded. he reaches out and tests things before he grabs. Much like he was doing very early in his therapy. He was very agitated yesterday. today not so much but definately disorented and slightly confused. Atleast confused easily. I hope he will clear up soon. I am very puzzled by this set back or what ever it is. His speach has been very good, speaking clearly and loud. Now it souonds to me like he is talking way back in his throat. sometimes he talks very slow and struggles for some words. I hope I am not imigining things here. But why would I do that? I want him back to his best. The best he can be. I feel bad about giving him meds he shouldnt have had, but I really tought i was doing the best for him. I have a swarm of feelings going on inside that I cannont explain. Thats it for now. im at those unexplainable feelings. and dotn know what els to add here. Except for I hope he gets better soon. and I dont know who to talk with about it all. My mom passed away 2 years ago. sure wish i could talk to her. oh well... BabsZ

Thank You achandra for your welcome here. I am trying to ged down for future reference everything that happened. There will be more. Hope to get to know you as well. BabsZ

Stroke Eddie woke up from his nap and started talking to me. He was trying to tell me something that we need to do. But he was saying all the wrong words. His words were very clear and distinct, more so than usual, but they were all jumbled up and made no since. I told him to take his time, I would be patient and figure out what he is saying. Something was wrong. I didn

Once Eddie realized I was with him every time he woke up, he settled down a bit. I sat near him most of the time, holding his hand so that I would know if he stirred or needed me. But I was getting tired and needed to lay down and rest. I told him if he needs anything to wave his hand or move his foot. I then pointed out the nurse station adjacent to his bed. There was almost always a nurse sitting at the desk with clear view of Eddie, and if he moved at all, someone would come to him. So I was able to settle down and rest a bit as well. Good News came quickly. :cheer: They only removed 12 to 18 inches of small intestine. That was wonderful news. No colostomy needed! His kidneys were functioning! First 50% then 80% then 100%. The Doctors were amazed that the kidneys came back 100% and so quickly. No dialysis needed. Darrin started telling me about some of the things he was monitoring and how they were beginning to move toward normal. All was good news. Eddie was on the ventilator for a little over 24 hours. We had a constant flow of Doctors in and out of the room and they all talked about how quickly he was able to come off the ventilator. They expected him to need it for several more days. He still had the NG tube in to pump everything out of his stomach. But they would not let him have even an ice chip or sip of water. This was one of the most difficult parts for both of us. He was continually asking for water, and I had to tell him he couldn

May 17. Surgery The first thing I did was call our kids and my sister. It didn

We were doing a lot of the right things, but a lot of people missed the obvious. Eddie had a shoulder that had been hurting a lot for quite a long time. He had been to several doctors about it and had cortisone shots in it, was even scheduled for an MRI to see if it was a torn rotator cuff. After the angioplasties his shoulder stopped hurting. It hasn

May 12 was an ordinary day. Eddie took off work that Friday because he just didn