smiley_baby

i dont even know how long it has been since my dad had his stroke but it wouldve had to have been close to five months. its hard. im supposed to be getting on with my life but all i can do is think about my dad. he hasnt woken up yet. well he does, he opens his eyes and is 'awake' but he is still in the coma. its hard not to lose hope and sometimes...i know this sounds horrible...but maybe its better if he stays asleep because im so scared of what hes going to be like when he wakes up. i want to remember my dad as my dad...not as someone i have to care for. its really hard on my grandparents. they havent left his bedside. they are there day in, day out. my brother and i only visit my dad once a week. but its really hard. mum works full time... my brother and i have school. i feel so guilty. i feel guilty about not really 'talking' to my dad either. my grandma practically forces me and i feel like an idiot. i feel like im talking to myself. i just dont feel comfortable why cant people understand that? if he can supposedly hear me, wont he know that im there anyway? who really cares... i feel so angry when im there. not at dad. at myself. and everyone else. i cant talk about how im feeling. not to anyone. sigh. i guess no one around me really understands. what *beep* me off the most is my mum.. tries to be nice to me... shes 'changing' yeh right. shes till the same old selfish attention seeking person she always was. i dont want her to try to understand whats going on. she doesnt. i want him to wake up so badly... not for me, i can deal with it, but for my grandparents, my brother, rose... my grandma keeps saying he will be awake for christmas, its breaking my heart. im at school right now, i should be working...haha. i feel guilty that im not there more often. i feel guilty that i cant talk to him. i feel guilty that i just plain cant talk. i just feel stupid talkin to people about 'feelings'. im not really that kind of person. maybe because im forced to suppress them in my own house. i cant say anything to my mum. she doesnt know where her priorites are. shes too busy chasing after a stupid man... she hasnt cooked for like 3 months... wait she cooked last wednesday. first time in ages. and not since then. not a scrap of food. i guess im growing up so fast. my dad would be proud. i won a scholarship to my school. i cut my hair... he would hate it though, always telliing me just to leave my hair. i went to derby day and got dressed up, so did martyy we looked gorgeous... its my brother's 13th birthday tomorrow. all the things he's missing out on... you just have to hold onto hope................ but i dont know if i have any left. because i dont know whats going to happen. and im tired of not knowing. i just want a difinitive answer. yes or not... awake or asleep... something. to know. let me grieve. stop all this not knowing.

excellent... my mum and dad's fiance are fighting... they found a blood clot in my dad's arm in case you couldn't tell that excellent was sarcastic.. they are fighting because of money, they have both been told conflicting things by dad's work and it is causing emotions to become very high. my mum is a very emotional person, she uses her heart not her head.. we need our school fees paid and according to rose (dad's fiance), all of his accounts etc are frozen and she doesnt have access to them. she also thinks that his salary is going to dry up in 2 and a half months. my mum's side of the story is that he is going to keep having a salary for 2 years because of a disability clause in his contract, but i think this comes out of his super, so rose doesnt want to touch it. also, mum believes that rose can access dads account she just doesnt want to.. it just escalated into a personal attack on each other and all that other crap. i tried to explain to them that its not the best time to be arguing, but... sigh. also, there's a blood clot in dad's arm, which means he'll have to be put on blood thinning medication, but that could cause bleeding in his brain again. everything's just gone sh*thouse at the moment im just wondering even though they both say 'the children are the first priority', do they really mean it? because at the moment it doesnt seem like it... its just another thing to add to the pile i suppose. adults... puhh :yeahrite: i told them that its not something that should have emotion involved because it makes things worse. they need to find out the facts and then sort it out because at the moment it's very hazy.

sigh... the reality of dad's stroke is finally starting to sink in. as he's no longer working, his salary has obviously been cut off, however, his sick leave and annual leave were supposed to cover us for at least 3 months. the money hasn't come in. because my parents are seperated, dad paid child maintenence evrey month, which basically covered the mortgage of our home... so the reality is, no dad, no home. also, my brother and i go to a private school, so it looks like no more of that.. but i think the school has some sort of fund where if parents become quite ill or die, the children are covered.. but i dont know. money, its such a huge thing. i mean we are already heaps in debt, electricty, phone, water, rates, you name it and we havent had the money to pay for it. i really dont know how we are going to cope. mum needs to work two jobs now... i mean the *beep* has been hitting the fan for like 3 months now.. first my mum's partner left, who obviously was a bread winner for us, and now this it's just like... why? however selfish that is because i know there are so many people that are worse off from me. i work, and most of my pay was goign towards bills and stuff, but that's ok i didnt really mind, but now the frikin knuckleheads have cut my hours... and given people that dont work as hard as i do, more. i work my butt off at that place, i dont do things half way. its really not fair. three weeks today since dad had his stroke. not much progress still. saw pirates of the carribean 2 (is that how you spell it?) today. i got really sad because normally dad takes us out to see big blockbuster movies like that... i have so much holiday homework that i havent even started, i just cant seem to focus on any one thing at the moment. its not like me at all, im very diligent and i know dad wouldnt like it. but i just cant. i havent been to the hospital for 2 days now. i just feel like what use am i there? i get quite frustrated in the ward, i dont know what to say anymore, i dont know what to do, i just sit and stare at dad, and try to annoy him, in the hope he'll wake up because of it (HA!).. im frustrated because i can't do anything and because every single time i go there my grandparents and relatives are all over me like im like one lying in the bed. iu know its coz they care but please back off! im frustrated because my mum, the mother of his 2 kids, the man she spent 20 years of her life with cant visit him... but long lost cousins he just got back in touch with can... i hate the fact that im angry. i dont want to be. i hate it that people dont understand. 'how's your dad?' they ask... well what the hell do you want me to say..'well he's lying in a hospital bed, in a coma, with tubes coming out of him everywhere, he's jsut had a massive stroke, but yeah mate, he's fine'... im angry that i have to be the strong one...IM ALWAYS THE STRONG ONE! my mum cries more than i do... i have to comfort her...its not right! i wanna be able to collapse in a heap everyday and just drop everything im doing. i actually did today, and i ended up having a fight with my boyfriend over it. i cant show that im hurting... i dont want people to feel sorry for me... i just want someone to give me a hug and say it will be okay and just leave it at that. that's all i need. and money. that too.... im sorry, im having a bad day..

okay... so dad has been moved from the ICU to a ward. not really that big a deal but it just means that he can breathe by himself and doesnt need the ventilator. umm.. not much change really... they've done a CT scan which confirms swelling is down by 50% from what it was when they brought him in. they've confirmed he will have some permanent damage, what that is we dont know.. just waiting for him to wake up. :hiya: its just kinda a waiting game. so sick of it. i hate the hospital everyone is sad... im trying to be as normal as possible because if you're not and you're sad, what help can you be to your loved one? it's been just over two weeks and he's made so much progress so... we are proud of him.

hmmm... its been 10 long days since m,y 46 year old father suffered a hemorrhagic stroke to the right side of his brain much to the horror of my family around me. he was given emergency surgery... 6 hours after it happened...too long in my opinion... given a 50/50 chance of survival, was placed on three types of sedation and his ICP was monitored. It was very scary for me at first. the first time i saw him lying there hooke dup to all these machines it was too much, i stood about 3 metres away and just cried and cried and cried. it broke my heart. my dad wasn't supposed to look like that, helpless. He's my dad you know? I'm only 15, my brother is only 12. My brother was good, he held his hand, wished him luck. We waited for hours, we were told the surgery could be as long as 4 hours. i was... okay during the surgery, i thought that he was definitely going to be okay, a little too mcuh wishful thinking i hope. being european, my grandparents were beside themselves, i just didn't know how to handle it. my dad's fiance was so strong, my goodness that woman has been amazing. four hours later, after the surgery, out came the neurosurgeon, known to us as only christian. he explained to us that my dad had a blood clot the size of an orange in his brain and a sever blled. his chances were just above 50/50, and things weren't, at that stage looking good. i was very scared. but i knew my dad had his age and fitness and excellent diet on his side. i was scared *beep*... angry too. scared not for me, but for my brother, for my grandparents, for my dad himself. he was in one of the happiest times of his life... about to get married, a new house, our relationship was improving. and i could definitely see a change in him. dad was never the type to show his emotions, or affections but he still encourage my brother and i...but still it wasnt the best relationship. i was scared that my dad would die without knowing that i loved him. without knowing that i really did care about him, what he thought and that i really did want his guidance in my life. i was scared. the next few days were critical. keeping that intercranial pressure down. it got easier to go and visit him, talk to him all that kind of thing. his pressure kept dropping, he was stablised all that kind of thing. we saw more improvements everyday. he was taken off his sedation after a week. off the ventilator. he was moving around a bit. yesterday was crap though. because he has high blood pressure, that was a bit of a worry for the doctors and also what they thought was a chest infection, because of plegm that he may have coughed up. however, yesterday, his heart rate began to increase rapidly and he stopped initiating his own breathing. this was a major set back for us. we got very scared and wondered what the hell was going on. we were worried it was his brain shutting down. the doctors came in, ran some tests the whole lot and it was found that his chest infection was misdiagnosed. he actually has pneumonia. so everything was able to be sorted out, however he did have to be placed on sedation once again. today was good. he moved around a lot, seemed to be annoyed at the tubes in his nose and was blinking a fair bit. his pupils still aren't responding though =(. the doctors don't say anything and it becomes so frustrating. im scared to think he may never wake up... or if he does he is brain dead. i try to keep thinking positively, but sometimes my mind wanders. he looks so peaceful in the bed. my hope is still here... if you have a story similar please please leave a comment, i would love to know your story, your familie's story, just to give me some reality of what's going on.

hi... your husband's case sounds a lot like my dads. he suffered a hemmorage stroke about 10 days ago, which caused him to have a blood clot around 6 cm big and he has been in a coma ever since. i was just wondering the details of your husbands case. it would do a lot to find out some information about sufferes that are like my dad's and how long it took for him to wake up etc... i dont know, i just want to find out something, seeing as the doctors just say 'wait and see'. im 15, my dad is 46... a reply would be greatly appreciated , tess