sigh... the reality of dad's stroke is finally starting to sink in. as he's no longer working, his salary has obviously been cut off, however, his sick leave and annual leave were supposed to cover us for at least 3 months. the money hasn't come in. because my parents are seperated, dad paid child maintenence evrey month, which basically covered the mortgage of our home... so the reality is, no dad, no home. also, my brother and i go to a private school, so it looks like no more of that.. but i think the school has some sort of fund where if parents become quite ill or die, the children are covered.. but i dont know. money, its such a huge thing. i mean we are already heaps in debt, electricty, phone, water, rates, you name it and we havent had the money to pay for it. i really dont know how we are going to cope. mum needs to work two jobs now... i mean the *beep* has been hitting the fan for like 3 months now.. first my mum's partner left, who obviously was a bread winner for us, and now this it's just like... why? however selfish that is because i know there are so many people that are worse off from me. i work, and most of my pay was goign towards bills and stuff, but that's ok i didnt really mind, but now the frikin knuckleheads have cut my hours... and given people that dont work as hard as i do, more. i work my butt off at that place, i dont do things half way. its really not fair. three weeks today since dad had his stroke. not much progress still. saw pirates of the carribean 2 (is that how you spell it?) today. i got really sad because normally dad takes us out to see big blockbuster movies like that... i have so much holiday homework that i havent even started, i just cant seem to focus on any one thing at the moment. its not like me at all, im very diligent and i know dad wouldnt like it. but i just cant. i havent been to the hospital for 2 days now. i just feel like what use am i there? i get quite frustrated in the ward, i dont know what to say anymore, i dont know what to do, i just sit and stare at dad, and try to annoy him, in the hope he'll wake up because of it (HA!).. im frustrated because i can't do anything and because every single time i go there my grandparents and relatives are all over me like im like one lying in the bed. iu know its coz they care but please back off! im frustrated because my mum, the mother of his 2 kids, the man she spent 20 years of her life with cant visit him... but long lost cousins he just got back in touch with can... i hate the fact that im angry. i dont want to be. i hate it that people dont understand. 'how's your dad?' they ask... well what the hell do you want me to say..'well he's lying in a hospital bed, in a coma, with tubes coming out of him everywhere, he's jsut had a massive stroke, but yeah mate, he's fine'... im angry that i have to be the strong one...IM ALWAYS THE STRONG ONE! my mum cries more than i do... i have to comfort her...its not right! i wanna be able to collapse in a heap everyday and just drop everything im doing. i actually did today, and i ended up having a fight with my boyfriend over it. i cant show that im hurting... i dont want people to feel sorry for me... i just want someone to give me a hug and say it will be okay and just leave it at that. that's all i need. and money. that too.... im sorry, im having a bad day..