Robyn

Thanks Anna...your and others prayers were well answered as the good news is he may likely get discharged tomorrow and says he is feeling MUCH better! Shauna is relieved...!! Thanks everyone!

Thanks everyone...I hope to hear more today.

Thanks Bill...much appreciated!

Shauna's grandfather is in the hospital with pneumonia. He's older...91...lived a good long life, but he's in Texas and she's here and I know she's hurting because she wants to be with him. Shauna was severely abused as a child from her mother, father and brother. At one point her mother shoved a loaded pistol in her face. Mom has a mental illness but unfortunately won't get diagnosed, won't take meds and is very narcissistic and manipulative. No one has ever seriously called her to task. Shauna hasn't spoken with them -- except once -- in 22 years. Through therapy and the love of her grandparents, she has survived and become an incredibly strong and successful person who donates her time to work with abused children. Her grandparents saved her soul in so many ways and now that he's sick its hitting her very hard. I try to imagine what she has lived with...what she went through as a child and it is BEYOND my comprehension. She tells me stories and I just shudder at the thought. I know it will be incredibly difficult for her to deal with his death...he means the world to her and is really her only biological family left that she is close with, except her niece (brother's daughter) with whom she is close (the niece does not live with her father, thankfully, but has experienced similar abuse as Shauna experienced). When he goes, I know she will feel very alone. I don't think this is the end for him but at 91, yeah...it's close. I hope I can be a support and comfort for her as she goes through this experience... If you have a spare prayer or thought, please send it his way!!

Having kids keeps you hopping but it is really nice now to have a girlfriend/partner who will actively take the kids and do things with them and take the single-parent burden off my back. Especially since their dad has become more useless in that arena. I had a few SERIOUS issues last week and contacted him about them and heard NOTHING in return...NOTHING. I was *beep* yet at the same time, if he tries to argue he should have the kids for full time custody, EVER, I have fuel... And Shauna won't let me forget... In comparison to Jane, Shauna is very engaged with the kids and isn't afraid to be engaged. Jane didn't want to be alone with them. Couldn't handle even that aspect of "step" parenting. Even her sisters and brother used to comment on that. She was an inherently selfish person in so many ways and the issues with the kids were one great example. So many times she said to me "This is the reason why I never wanted kids" when the kids acted out or had issues. She'd say "I didn't want to give up my career." Strangely, you'd think I would've left her over that...and I certainly considered it and brought that up with her...I had said to her "WHY are you in a relationship with someone with kids then??" And she gave some sort of nice nice response that seemed to quell my doubts temporarily...but she seemed sincere...seemed I guess is the operative word, eh?!! You have to understand this is among the many reasons why I believe her post-stroke behavior is really more reflective of her real feelings than a function of the stroke. Yes, I believe the stroke contributed, and I can't imagine what she was feeling in those days post-stroke, but I know her enough to know the post stroke behaviors were the "real Jane" coming out. This is why I felt lied to for so long before the stroke. Anyway...enough of that...that wasn't the point of my blogging today! It is just a poignant observation on my part because today was one of those marathon days...up at 7:30am...Sam to gymnastics at 9:15...Margaret to violin by 10:15...Then Sam to soccer at 11:00 and Margaret to soccer at 11:30am... Shauna did work at home then met us at the soccer field where she coached Margaret's soccer team to a victory! :cheer: :Clap-Hands: Then she went off to Lowe's with Margaret for a project they are working on. She's just ready, willing, and able to step in and be a part of their lives. Sam called her "his other mommy" the other day and she nearly melted at the thought of it... How lucky for me and the kids that she loves to be a part of their lives like that. And so goes parenthood!! I'm looking forward to a slightly more peaceful spring break where the kids are with their dad for the week...no violin, no swimming, no gymnastics or soccer... Just some mommy time to nurture herself!

YUP...that's where I got the idea for the dog name...from the song... "la la la la LOLA!!!" My son loves her too...he needed a dog in his life!

OK...I'll keep looking for it. Maybe now with the spring thaw it will shine through!!! It's been almost a year since the house went on the market...I hope someone has an interest in it soon! My new girlfriend has a dog named Lola...she's adorable...I love having a dog around again!

Scooterman...I didn't realize you were the same person!!! Thanks my friend...it was great to get the message!!! It certainly brought me back for a check-in. I will definitely comment on the final four and father of Nicole's kid!!! Bill...how's Bud??? How are you??? My house STILL hasn't sold...did you send your mojo my way???!! Boy do I miss you guys!!!! :hug:

Thanks Phyllis...YES, it was my birthday...March 16th. I turned 44! It was great and I was spoiled rotten by my girlfriend...I enjoyed EVERY minute of it! So what happened...you can PM me or email me!! Fill me in! Yes, my parents still live in the W sector! They hate it there and want to move back north in a few years...closer to the grandchildren! We'll see what happens. I had hoped to get down there for a conference in February but it didn't happen. I'm submitting something for an October conference in Ft. Lauderdale...maybe I'll get down there in the fall. I'm not great musically either...love it but I'm not good at it. I'd rather just listen, you know?!! :roflmao: It's all good...I'm enjoying life and I'm so glad to still be a part of this family!!!

Thanks Bonnie! And keep those emails coming! They really brighten my day!!!

Thanks Donna...I appreciate your kind words! Life is a wonderful journey...isn't it?!!

EXACTLY! I do try to look on the bright side and also look at the lesson to learn from each experience. I learned amazing things about myself and about what was important to me. I left my heart open, and my new friend Shauna walked in! I'm so blessed!! There is something of value in each and every experience we have...good or not so good...the trick is to have an open heart to find the lesson and allow it to enrich your life! That's not to say it won't hurt and be ugly at times...and it may look like there is no end in sight, HOWEVER, it is there...we just have to be patient. I hope Jane heals and I hope she can return to the life she wants...I hope one day she understands what she threw away...

Thanks Asha...I miss you and your words of wisdom! I hope "kiddo" is doing well...sounds like he is and I have no DOUBTS he is because he has an AWESOME mom! Yes...I think it is Jane's big loss too. But we all make choices...sometimes they are ill-informed...sometimes they are well-informed, but either way we have to live with those choices. I am sorry she had the stroke...she didn't deserve that, but her actions after that were totally her choice... I hope one days she remembers how much I loved her and would have stood by her until the end.

Howdy folks...I got a PM from someone and decided to check-in and give you a quick update. I hear from Bonnie regularly which is nice. I am through the half-way point of the spring semester...almost done with my first year here at SIUE. So far so good. Things could be improved in terms of my teaching and I wish I could get more research done...last fall emotionally killed a lot of my momentum...but overall its been a good year here. The kids are doing great. Margaret is doing violin lessons and is doing very well. She loves it and certainly has the talent for it. She's also finishing swimming lessons and started playing soccer this spring. My current girlfriend is helping coach her team so its great they have some time together. Sam stopped violin lessons...has a hard time standing still so I think he needs to be a bit older. I started him with Gymnastics which is LOVES! That seems to be his "THING" which is good! He's also going to play soccer too, starting this Saturday. My new relationship is going well. I'm very happy. Kind of surprising considering where things were a year ago, but keeping my heart and mind open helped. Also getting the help I needed to support me was good too. We both honor the pain we felt from the breakups of our past relationship and keep an open dialogue about that. I don't really think much about Jane any more. Things popped up a few weeks ago. I had emailed her in January asking when she thought she could return my things because she was supposed to have returned to Colorado after her stint in outpatient rehab in Massachusetts. I didn't hear from her for about 6 weeks so I resent the message telling her I assumed she wasn't ignoring my email but was simply not checking email so I forwarded it to her two colleagues who I knew would make sure she got the message. Sure enough she emailed me two days later. It was sort of a surreal message...very cold and distance. Not sure how much was the impact of the stroke versus her being who she is...not sure it matters any more anyway. The gist of the email was that "It was unfortunate how things ended between us." (probably the closest thing I'll get to an apology...ah well...)...she had brain surgery at some point last fall I guess so she had to stay in Massachusetts longer than expected and had only just returned to Colorado in the beginning of the month. She returned MOST of my things but she said she'd sort through the rest of the things when she moved back to her farm full time. Lastly, she asked if we could be colleagues... While that sounds weird, in my letter to her last fall I made it clear I was not interested in being friends...colleagues was a reasonable request because we run in the same academic circles and it would be awkward if that created a ruckus between us. I told her we were colleagues, but nothing more as the hurt will always be with me, even though I've moved on, and that I needed to protect my children from being hurt again. I've heard nothing since but that's fine...I didn't expect it nor wanted or needed it. I got my things back which was the closure I expected. NO, I'll never know why things changed...maybe one day she'll share but I've stopped hoping for it. And I'm OK... I hope you guys are good...I miss hearing your voices! It is just too hard to come back here with any regularity as it opens up all the old hurt and wounds, but it isn't personal and I am grateful for all the love and support I got here. I'll check in on occasion but don't hesitate to PM me if you want! XO Robyn

Thanks!!! I will definitely pop in!!! Love ya! XO

:wub2: Thanks !!!

I've had lots of good revelations this week...spent some time really focusing on the pains I have felt and how to move past them. THe sessions I have been in were wonderful and I found something useful in every session to help me heal more. I can't go into it...too much and probably just too personal to share but I realize that at this point in time I don't have to sit in the place of pain any more. While feeling that hurt and pain may have served me in the first few months after the break up, I am at a point now where it doesn't serve me...it now inhibits me from that last bit of living I want to do. It also inhibits me from being fully there for my new relationship. I've always been honest about that with her and she has been very patient about that as well. Now I'm ready to let go of the old stuff and really give myself to my new future more fully. I may still hurt at some level, probably always, but I'm choosing now to let it all go so it doesn't own my life any more. I'll be back on occasion...but not in the near future as I just need some time and space. But I'll be back to give y'all updates! As I learned this week in my sessions, "I'm not saying NO to you, but YES to me!" Feel free to reach me via PM or email option here, or simply email me feel free to contact me through my PM. It is hard for me to read threads, and it has been for awhile, but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear from people themselves...!!! All of my love my dear friends...!!! XOXOXO

Thanks Jean...I know I'm always welcome here and I appreciate that. Thanks for understanding. It is hard to be shut out when you love someoen so much and so deeply. Sue...I think that is what happened with Jane...she swung back into old comfortable behaviors and depended on people who she had avoided for years because of the dysfunction they brought to her life. And that was her choice and she AND I will have to live with that. I feel sad for her... I don't miss the relationship...I'm just hurt how it ended... I've known Stroke Survivors IRL, but not to the extent I was close to Jane, obviously. I had some idea how it would affect her but just as the survivor needs and adjustment period...so do the family, loved ones, care givers...and I was thrust out before I had the chance to adjust. I do feel in some ways, it is all for the best. Not that I'm "GLAD" I don't have to be a caregiver because I would've done that gladly and willingly...I honor my commitments. But it has opened the door for me to learn many new things about myself and my life and allowed me to meet someone who is really special and so much more compatible with me than Jane ever was. I really am blessed...I just want to purge the last pains and hurts so I can offer a more whole and healed individual to her as our relationship continues and deepens! Blessings to all...see ya later! XO

hey guys...yeah...I know you are all right. And Jean, I really WANTED to get it but its hard to do that long distance. I wanted to...I REALLY WANTED TO...I wanted to be involved in every part of her recovery and learn what I could do for her...that's love...that's commitment. I wanted her in my house to care for her...gladly and willingly. She didn't let me in enough to try to get it. And everyone else put a shield around her so I wouldn't have a chance to get it. You are right...the odds were against us as soon as that happened... Sherri...you were blessed...I was happy to do all the work but she didn't want it. No matter what the stroke brought her, I believe with my whole heart that her not wanting it IS a function of her past baggage. She has rejected other people too...friends who were close to her...EVERYONE...she's just shut down and walked away from everyone. I know there is nothing I could've done because I didn't do anything. I wanted to help...wanted to be a part of her recovery and she didn't want it. That is hard to swallow when it is someone who said they loved you and vice versa. I wouldn't change a thing that I did. I sleep well every night resting in knowing I did everything I could. I have been struggling lately with disentangling how much of this is the Jane I knew that made the decision to break up, and how much of it was the stroke. And I know I won't ever know that answer. So I'm just struggling to now let go of that need to know...that final bit of info. This is my baggage...my control issues...my need for information. I have to learn to let go of that and I acknowledge that. I WANT to let go of that...that's why I'm here blogging...working the last bit of crap out of my system. I'm almost there. I know in my heart of hearts once I can just say..."WHATEVER...it doesn't matter"...I'll be good. And I don't want to bring baggage to my new relationship. That's what I've been very mindful of...I want to trust again and open my heart to myself and to Shauna. I know this is the last piece of the puzzle for me. Bonnie...I agree...YES, I want a joint account but I also know how tough it is to disentangle...been there done that so I will be sure to protect myself. Shauna's been married too so she understands. Yeah...its hard coming here...it does bring up all that stuff for me but it's been there in me regardless. I figured coming here to process will really help me lift the last layers, as I said. I haven't actively dealt with these issues since I send her the stuff in October so I'm trying to take a few steps back in order to find a way to move forward. I want to just let go...but I have to find a way to do that... So I will continue to talk out loud and process out loud and figure it all out. That's what this week of renewal is for me! I can make no promises I'll be able to return here after that. It may be, despite how much I care for everyone here, that I'll have to truly let go of this place to let go of her. Something came up in the session I had tonight... "I'm not saying NO to you, I'm saying YES to me"...so maybe this is what I need to do for me, to finally let Jane go...

www.kripalu.org They are located in Lenox Massachusetts. Yes, it is Indian in name and history. They have seminars regularly...over 600 per year. I think you'd love it here! I agree, a couple in a partnership should have joint accounts, etc. It is how it should be. That is a partnership...

I've noticed recently that little by little I am peeling back the layers that are weighing on my regarding the breakup with Jane. I made a huge leap when I sent her stuff back, along with a 4 page letter, and that worked for awhile. But I noticed now that I've become more comfortable with that place, there are still barriers to cross to be at true peace with everything. I know I am ready and wanting that peace but I'm still struggling with wanting to know WHY things ended as they did...crazy I know...unreasonable probably too...but that doesn't mean it isn't a struggle within me. I want to let that go and need to figure out a way to do that. Intellectually, what do I know...the usual...I know her fears of intimacy...her difficulties making herself vulnerable to another...blah blah blah... But I'm having trouble reconciling the THursday "I love you I want to move closer to you" and the Saturday "I need space...don't call me or talk to me or my family" What happened in those 48 hours that changed things for her? I suspect more than likely she was very vunerable to suggestion and her sister (who is truly warped) and her therapist (who I think is a hack, now) very likely suggested to her that she didn't need the pressures of a long distance relationship, with someone who had kids. OK...maybe so, but we did have a commitment...a commitment in my book means you work things out through thick and through thin and if you try, and it doesn't work, then that's OK...its time to move on. But she felt her stroke gave her permission to suddenly change her mind and renege on her commitment to me...without trying. You don't just get to "change your mind" when you are in a committed relationship...at least not without making an attempt to fix what may be wrong. So then, was it really a commitment? The answer, of course, is no. I realize now that I used the term Partner, and truly meant it. I wanted to include her in all things in my life. She used the term partner but didn't really buy into the concept. What I realize now is that we didn't have a true "partnership"...we didn't live together, didn't have accounts together, didn't own anything together (although she used the royal "we" often when referring to things that were hers...OUR farm in Colorado, etc.), didn't have our legal paperwork together. I realize now that loving someone and having a partnership are TWO different things. Calling it a partnership when it wasn't one in reality is what has led to this sudden betrayal that I felt from her. She could get all the "benefits" of calling someone her partner without any of the hard work. How convenient for her... But that's quintessential Jane...I wish I had just been smart enough to see it but I guess I was also enamored with having my first relationship with a woman...its easy to get blinded by that stuff. Sooooo...lessons learned...I've already talked with my new girlfriend about this stuff...her name is Shauna, by the way. I told her that I wouldn't call her my partner until which time we took care of all of those niceties...legal paperwork, sharing a home, sharing accounts, sharing a real life together as a unit...then and only then would I call her my partner. She almost went there with the royal "we" the other day and I had to say "NO...that is YOURS..." When I am your partner, then it will be OURS... She got it...and truly accepted that!! So far so good...!! It is so easy to get to that collective feeling but for me now, that collective feeling is meaningless unless there is substance behind it. And maybe there is substance with Shauna...only time will tell, but I'm not going there until I know that for sure. Here at Kripalu I'm going to be attending a session called "Refilling Your Well" which is about renewing yourself to get ready for the new year. I'm hoping in this time frame to figure out a way to let go of the last layers of hurt I am feeling so I can be open for a bright new year with a wonderful relationship and a great job and life with my kids. That is my intention for the next four days...let go of the spectre of Jane and open my arms to Robyn and the joys of my life even more!!!

Thanks all!! I typically don't talk with anyone during the month of December because I'm busy wrapping up my semester. Usually lots of grading to do and assigning grades and the craziness of getting ready for the holidays. I knew it would be crazy and I had a ton of research and grading to do. Now that I can slow down a bit, I can recommit myself to blogging more...not every day once the semester starts but at least here and there to keep myself sane! I'm glad everyone had a great holiday!